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Annie VS. 99

 

 

Setting: A large, posh hotel. Inside, delegates for the United Nations Conference all started to get their rooms from the head desk and some had started filing up to their rooms. Downstairs in the lobby, a man in a hat and coat stood by a nearby plant, watching as everyone signed in and went to their rooms. As he stood there, a loud ringing started to come from his general area. A couple of people looked at him and he tried to shrug the whole thing, until the ringing started becoming persistent. The man quickly darted behind the plant and picked up two leaves, both which were a receiver and a headset to a phone.

Man: Hello.

The scene then goes to CONTROL headquarters, where Zachary Smart, Agent 78, sits at the Chief of CONTROL’ s desk. The scenes switch back and forth.

Zach: Hey, Pop! How’s work?

Max: [looking at the people looking at him] Very conspicuous at the moment. Could you call back at a more opportune time?

Zach: Ah sure, no prob, but I was calling to let you know some lady by the name of…[looking for something] [picks up paper] Oh here it is! Anne Delbert called and said she’d be in town.

Max: [surprised] Anne Delbert?

Zach: Yeah. I assume you know her.

Max: Well, yeah, but…I haven’t seen or heard from her since I became a spy.

Zach: Wow. That long ago.

Max: It wasn’t that long, Zach.

Zach: I mean, that was like around what? 1850? ’55?

Max: Zachary, if you’re implying I’m old…

Zach: Oh no, Dad. I think you’re as fit as…[thinking] …hmmm…well, you look just as good as Dick Clark. And he’s like 150.

Max: [sarcastically] Thanks, son, I’ll keep that in mind. Anything else?

Zach: Um…yes. Mom called and said to bring home milk.

Max: Bring milk. Okay. Is that it?

Zach: Um…nope. Maxine left a message to say that she won’t be in tomorrow morning and I was wondering if I could get off work early.

Max: Tell Maxine I want a detailed explanation as to why and no you can’t get off work early.

Zach: Can I have a raise?

Max: [annoyed] NO! Now, is that all you wanted to tell me…[sarcastically] Or is there something else?

Zach: No, Pop, I think that’s it. Incidentally, where are you calling from? I’m sure I dialed the hidden phone in the lobby.

Max: You did.

Zach: Oh? What is the hidden phone this week?

Max looks up to see that a crowd of people have begun to stand over him and wonder why he’s talking into a plant.

Max: The plant phone, Zachary. The phone this week is a plant. If there’s nothing else, I think I’ll just leave while I still have a semblance of my dignity left. [hangs up] [to people] I water the plants. I like talking to them some times. They…grow faster. [smiling]

 

THE NEW OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!

 

Setting: CONTROL headquarters, the office of Chief Maxwell Smart. Max was busy cleaning up the office when Zach and Agent 66 walked in.

Zach:[looking at Max] Dad, what’re you doing?

Max:[cleaning] I’m cleaning the office.

Zach: Well, obviously. Why are you cleaning? You don’t have to clean the office for us.

Max: [looking at Zach] I’m not cleaning it for you.

66: Then why are you cleaning the office?

Max:[defensive] Can’t I clean the office for the sake of cleaning my office? I happen to be a very neat person and I like things in their place.

Zach: Dad, you can’t just clean the office for the sake of cleaning. There has to be a reason…[pause] [starts to laugh] [Max looks at him] I know why! It’s cause of that lady!

66: What lady?

Zach: The lady that called. What’s her name!

Max:[nervously] Honestly Zach, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Zach: What was her name? [thinking] Albert…no…Dal…Delbert! Anne Delbert! That’s her name!

66: Who’s Anne Delbert? [looks at both Max and Zach]

Max: She’s just a former…acquaintance of mine. No big deal.

Zach: And cleaning your office isn’t a big deal? [smirking]

Max: Did you guys come in here for something?

66: Yes, Chief. We wanted to know what the plan was for the conference this weekend.

Max: Oh yeah. Well, I had the watch this morning and I have a couple of agents staked out in and out of the hotel. I think we pretty much have everything covered.

Zach: So…you don’t want us to do anything?

Max: I don’t want you to do anything tonight. That doesn’t mean you’re not going to be doing something this weekend.

Zach:[smiling] What’re you doing this weekend, Dad?

Max: [annoyed] My job, Zachary. [smiling] Just like you’ll be doing. For the next couple of weekends. [dirty look from Zach]

Agent 99, Max’s wife, enters through the automatic doors, carrying a folder.

99: Hey guys. [looks at Max] What’re you doing?

Zach: [to Max] [winks] No problem, Pop. I got your back. [to 99] He’s cleaning the office for you. He knows how you like everything nice and neat.

Max: Zachary, that is not why I’m cleaning the office. You might as well know, 99, I have a friend coming in for the week. I would just like to be organized when she got here.

99:[surprised] She?

Zach: Bad move, Dad.

Max: She just happens to be an old girlfriend of mine. A very, very, VERY old girlfriend, who I haven’t thought about for a million years and who I haven’t seen for…ever.

Zach: [shaking his head] You’re gonna get in trouble, Pop.

Max: What? Zachary, you know your mother and I don’t keep secrets from each other. What’s the big deal? Annie’ll be in town for a couple of days, a week at the most. She has family here. I’m certainly not the reason she’s coming here.

The scene switches to a plane in flight. On it, a woman uses the plane’s phone to make a call.

Woman: I’m coming in now. I have an old boyfriend who lives here. And I’m not leaving without him. I left him once and it was the biggest mistake of my life. [pause] Maxwell Smart. [pause] Oh, he is, is he? Well, that won’t last for long. I always catch my man.

Zach and 66 had watch duty at the conference later that afternoon and Zach quickly turned the conversation over to Max and Annie.

Zach: I wonder why she dumped him?

66: Who dumped who?

Zach: That woman. You know, Annie what’s her name. I wonder why she dumped Dad.

66: Zach, this has nothing to do with what we’re doing. Let it go.

The agents continued to watch as delegates checked in and went to their rooms.

Zach: Damn, this is a big convention. There has to be a thousand guys coming this weekend.

66: Is she coming over to the house?

Zach: [looks at her] Who?

66: Annie what’s her name!

Zach: Oh. Yeah, I guess. Dad invited her to dinner tonight, but I won’t be there.

66: Why not?

Zach:[looking at her] Cause I have my own dinner plans. [rubs her cheek]

66:[blushing] Zach, you didn’t have give up dinner at your parents’ just for me.

Zach: We can go over if you want. Just stop in, say hi, see this Annie chick, and get out of town. Besides, there’s nothing my parents love to see then the two of us together. [looking at her] Can’t say I blame them.

66:[blushing] [turns to watch the delegates] We’re on a case, Smart. [looks at Zach] But it doesn’t mean we can’t leave early. [Zach nods] But until, my favorite spy, we’re on duty.

Zach:[sarcastically] Tell me about it. What a dumb way to spend the weekend.

66: It’s not all that dumb. Besides, we get to go to the big party Sunday night and the Chief’s giving us the day off on Monday. That’s not a bad way to spend the weekend.

Zach: It’s only cause of the company you keep, darlin’. [smiling] [turns back to check in] I don’t even know why we’re watching these guys.

66: You don’t think KAOS plans to get their hands on these guys?

Zach: Oh, I wouldn’t doubt it. What a perfect opportunity to get ride of all that’s righteous and nice in the world.

66: Well, then you just answered your own question. But I do question why they have to have these things right in the open like this.

Zach: Tracie, darling, sometimes the best way to hide something is right out in the open. That way you’ll be the last one to be suspected. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of those delegates was a KAOS spy.

66: Zach, you’re joking.

Zach: No, I’m not joking. It isn’t like it hasn’t happened before. When you’ve been a spy for as long as I have, Tracie, you get to read in between the lines. It isn’t just about good and evil. It’s about evil being good and the good turning evil. It makes you wonder how a good, decent guy stays sane in this world.

66:[sarcastically] Especially when the competition pays more.

Zach:[annoyed] I make one comment about KAOS paying their agents more than we’re getting, and I’m the Benedict Arnold of the group.

The day went by slowly, as Zach and 66 watched delegate after delegate check in to the hotel and go to their rooms. The official conference wasn’t slated to start until tomorrow morning, but Max had extra CONTROL agents there to make sure everything was okay. That night, Max and 99 were waiting the arrival of Miss Anne Delbert. Max had been downstairs all day arranging and rearranging things to spruce the place up a bit.

Max: [to 99] Now see, 99. The room looks symmetrical.

99: The room looks the way it did when you got home, because the room as always been symmetrical. That’s why we decorated it that way.

Max:[annoyed] 99, I know that. But instead of just being symmetrical, it’s more symmetrical.

99: You’re certainly doing a lot for this old girlfriend you never think about.

Max: It’s not about that, 99. It’s about how my life is now, how I’ve changed…[bitterly] so she can see what she gave up.

99: Well, it’s not all bad. [smiling] I got you. [moving towards the kitchen]

Max:[smiling] [watching her go] That was one of the pluses. A definite plus.

The doorbell rings and Max quickly opens the door to see his daughter Maxine.

Max:[slightly disappointed] Oh, it’s you.

Maxine:[sarcastically] Try not to get too excited about it, Dad.

Max: Maxi, I didn’t mean it like that…

Maxine:[coming in] I know, I know. You thought I was what’s her face.

Max: Anne.

Maxine: Whatever. I was just coming over to take a peek at the chick who could’ve been my mother.

Max:[sarcastically] Thank you for your support, sweetie. Do you know if your brother’s coming?

Maxine: Yes, he is and he’s bringing Tracie because he knows how much we love seeing them together. But they have to split for a private dinner date.

Max: Well, I’ll try to make this as painless as possible.

The doorbell rings and the two head over to the door.

Maxine: Now, don’t be nervous, Daddy.

Max: Nervous? Who’s nervous? I’ve never felt better. In fact, I’m going to let her stand out there for a while. Let her know she can’t snap her fingers to make me jump anymore. [doorbell rings again] Alright, let’s answer the door.

The two open the door and there stands a beautiful blond. The signs of aging hadn’t even seen this woman and she looked like she did when she was a teenager. It was the same woman we had seen earlier.

Annie: Hello again, Maxwell.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

Setting: The home of Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart. At the door stood Anne Delbert, an incredibly gorgeous looking woman who it seemed age had not touched her. Max stood with his jaw on the floor and Maxine looking at him in embarrassment. She took her hand and shut Max’s mouth, hard.

Maxine:[dirty look from Max] [to Anne] You must be Anne Delbert. Nice to meet you. Won’t you come in?

Annie: Thank you. [walking in] And you are?

Maxine: Maxine Smart, I’m Daddy’s daughter. [confused] I’m his daughter. [correcting herself] Daddy? Daddy!

Max:[snapping out of it] Annie…hi. Good to… see you again for sure. Have you met my daughter, um…[searching for a name] uh…

Maxine:[annoyed] Maxine, Daddy.

Max: Maxine Daddy, I mean…Maxine, of course. Come in, please. [closing door]

Annie:[looking around] Well, this is a very lovely home you have here.

Max:[nervous] Well, you know…it’s very symmetrical. [99 comes from kitchen]

99: Hi. [walking over to the group]

Annie:[grinning] Well, Maxwell, this must be your wife.

Max: My what? Oh! My wife! Yes, yes…this…this is my wife. Mrs. Maxwell Smart.

The two women shake hands and you can see the tension.

Annie: So you’re the lucky woman who became Mrs. Maxwell Smart.

99: Yes. And you’re not.

Annie: I definitely regret that.

99: I’m sure you do.

Annie: Yes, I do.

The two continue gripping the other’s hand, in some sort of Eastwood western stand off.

Maxine: [sensing tension] [to Max] Hey Daddy, why don’t we go show…Anne…something.

Max: Like what?

Maxine: It doesn’t really matter. [puts arm around Anne] Come on, Anne. [Anne still having a hold on 99] I said come on! [both women let go]

Annie: I guess I’ll see you at dinner…Mrs. Smart.

99: I guess you will.

The group left 99 to go see the study. As soon as they left, 99 winced in pain from the handshake Anne had given her. This was just the very start of what seemed to be a beginning rivalry. A few minutes later, dinner was ready. The four were about to sit down, when Zach and Tracie arrived.

Maxine: You know, big brother, it never ceases to amaze me that you always seem to get here right as dinner is being set on the table.

Zach: [sitting down] I guess it means I have excellent tracking skills.

99: Either that or superb food radar.

Zach: Tracking, food radar…who can tell the difference?

The group finished dinner and decided to have drinks afterward, that way Zach and Tracie could get out of there for their dinner date.

Max: How about a toast?

Zach: Alright. Who’s toasting and what’re we toasting to?

Maxine: Annie’s the new girl in town. [to Annie] Why don’t you make it?

Max: That’s a great idea, Max.

99: [to Maxine] [sarcastically] Just great.

Zach:[impatient] Fine. What’re we toasting?

Annie: [to Max] How about we toast to that little red sports car you had. You know where we used to…

Max:[laughing nervously] Let’s…let’s not toast to that. Let’s…let’s…let’s toast to marriage. The international institute of two people coming together out of love, happiness, togetherness, caring, individually…

Zach: Say, Pop, how long is this toast? [pointing to watch} Tracie and I have reservations at 8:30. [evil look from Max] I’m sorry. You were saying?

Max:[annoyed] I was saying… [thinking] What was I saying?

99: You were toasting to the institution of marriage. [smiling]

Max: Thank you, 99.

Annie:[sarcastically] [to 99] Yes, thank you.

Max: As I was saying…

Maxine: Look, Dad, let’s speed this up. To marriage. It’s great, it’s wonderful, drink up. [drinks her drink]

Zach:[downing his drink] Done. [grabbing Tracie] Let us leave.

Max: Hey you guys! [phone rings] [to trio] You’re going to so much overtime for this. [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hi 22. What’s that? [pause] Sure I’ll send somebody down. [looks at Zach, who shakes his head no] Why? What’s the problem? [pause] Oh. Sure. Bye. [hangs up] [to trio] Which one of you…?

Trio: No.

Max: Oh come on! I haven’t even asked yet!

Zach: Forget it, Pop. Tracie and I have plans. Reservations, to be exact.

Maxine: Daddy, you gave me the day off! [Max looks at her, pleadingly] Oh fine. [to Zach] You so owe me for this.

Zach: I’ll buy you a puppy. [kisses her on the cheek] [leaves with Tracie]

Max: Go over to the hotel, find 22, see what’s up.

Maxine: Sure. [starts to leave] Nice meeting you, Anne. [sarcastically] Try to be a stranger next time you’re in town. [leaves]

Max:[smiling] [to Anne] She didn’t mean that.

Annie: Well, unfortunately, I too have to leave.

99: Not on our account, I hope. [grinning]

Annie: No. I have to do some last minute unpacking. [to Max] Maybe we can have lunch tomorrow?

Max: Oh. Actually…[looking at 99]

99: Actually, I’ll be working through lunch, so the two of you go and have a good time.

Annie: Well, that’s awfully sweet of you, Mrs. Smart.

99: All I ask is that you have lunch in a well lighted public place when you can be reached at anytime during your lunch.

Annie:[sarcastically] And perhaps we could find a restaurant where I could be seated above a shark pit.

99: Could you? [smiling] That be nice.

Annie: [to Max] Until tomorrow, Maxwell. [to 99] Dinner was excellent. If you like that sort of thing. [leaves]

Max: 99…

99: Yes, Max.

Max: I’ve had this feeling all through dinner and just now, it was confirmed. [pause] I don’t think you and Annie get along very well.

99:[sarcastically] Really? I didn’t pick up on that all. But I’ll tell you one thing that I’m sure of.

Max: What’s that?

99: Annie and I definitely don’t get along. But then again, you know me. I don’t play well with others, especially when they’re trying to steal my husband away from me. [starts walking towards the table]

Max: I don’t believe it. [smiling] You’re jealous. [walking over to her]

99: [looking at Max] I am not jealous.

Max:[smiling] Yes, you are. Don’t get me wrong. It’s certainly something to take advantage of, but…yeah. You’re jealous.

99: I’m glad this amuses you.

Max: It does. Amuses me a lot, actually. [picking up plates]

99: Alright. [looking at him] So I’m a tad bit jealous. I really want you and Anne to have a good time tomorrow. Not that good of a time, of course. I mean, enjoy your lunch and all.

Max: How interesting can lunch with an ex-girlfriend be? It would be much more interesting with an attractive wife.

99:[blushing] You flatter me, Mr. Smart.

Max: You don’t have to worry about me, 99. Besides, what kind of harm can Annie do?

The scene switches to a posh hotel room. Inside, Anne is unpacking, removing shirts and pants from her suitcase. The last thing she removes was a large packet. Just as she’s about to open it, the phone rings. She goes over to answer it.

Anne: Hello? [pause] Oh, hello. Yes, I have it. I was just about to open it and take a look. [pause] Don’t worry. This’ll be like picking apples from a tree. [pause] Don’t worry about that. I’ll take care of it. In fact, we’re having lunch tomorrow.

Saturday morning saw Zach and Maxine doing duty at UN Conference.

Maxine: Zach? [looking over at her brother] Zach?

Zach was leaning against the door to the conference room door, asleep.

Maxine: Zachary! [Zach pops up] Rough night?

Zach: Don’t joke. [leaning back against the door] And don’t shout. I have the mother of all hangovers.

Maxine: I never knew Tracie was such a big drinker.

Zach: [closing his eyes] She’s not.

Maxine: [grinning] But you are?

Zach:[opening one eye to stare at his sister] Let’s just say it was a sad attempt to get my girlfriend to spend the night with me.

Maxine: Oh Zach, really. You actually think Tracie would fall for that?

Zach: Well, after about the third bottle of champagne, I started to realize that.

Just then, 99 walked by and saw the twins.

Maxine: Hi Mom.

99: Hey. [to Zach] Hi Zach.

99 looks at Maxine, who nods and turns to Zach.

Maxine: Hey Zach!

Zach flinches and covers his head with his hands.

Maxine: Mom’s here! She says hi!

Zach waited for the ringing to stop, removed his hands, and looked at his sister.

Zach: [giving his sister a look that could kill] Once the pounding in my head stops, you’re going to be sorry for that. [looks at 99] Hey Mom. What’s up?

99: I could ask you the same thing, but I won’t. I wanted to know if you guys were free for lunch.

Maxine: You’re not having lunch with Dad?

99: He’s having lunch Annie.

Zach: Really? I didn’t think you’d let him do that.

99: Zachary, your father can have lunch with anyone he wants. He’s a big boy now.

Maxine: Well, if Martin and 22 would decide to come to work, we could go. [looks at watch] I give them another five minutes before we call in replacements, Zach. [looks at Zach]

Maxine is about to call his name, when he stops her.

Zach: Don’t. I heard you the first time. Thank you.

After a few minutes, Martin and 22 did show up to take over guarding duties and Zach, Maxine, and 99 went to lunch. Zach ordered at least five cups of coffee.

99: {to Zach] Your father would kill you if he found out to came to work like this.

Zach: I know, but then again I didn’t count on him giving me guard duty this morning.

Maxine: Well, you better sober up quick. [to 99] Guess who just walked in with Annie. [points over to a nearby table]

Max and Anne had just been seated at a table that was near the booth the trio were sitting in.

99: He would bring her to our favorite restaurant.

Maxine: Should’ve told him not to bring her here.

99: I can’t help it if the food here is excellent, Maxine. [waiter comes over]

Waiter: Are you ladies ready to order?

Maxine: [darting between Max’s table and the waiter] I’ll have the shrimp scampi.

99: A salad and a glass of water.

99 peeks over at Max and Annie and sees Annie putting the moves on Max.

99: [to waiter, but looking at Max and Anne] Change the water to a glass of wine.

Maxine: Mom, it’s one o’clock in the afternoon.

Zach: Technically, Max, you can drink after noon. [to the waiter] Three more cups of coffee please. [pause] And directions to the men’s room.

Maxine: [to 99] Mom, if you’re so upset over this, you should go over there and tell her to keep her hands off your husband.

99: Maxine, I am not going to do that. I totally over reacted last night. This woman could be a warm, kind, gentle person, who just happens to share a past with your father. No big deal. [waiter brings their orders and leaves]

Maxine: You’re handling this awfully well.

99: What is there to handle? They’re just having lunch, Maxine. Now stop instigating.

Zach: [to Maxine] Told you.

Maxine: [to Zach] [loudly] Does your head still hurt? [Zach flinches]

99: Both of you, stop. Let’s change the subject. How’s that conference going?

Zach: It’s always so much fun standing outside of a door all day.

Maxine: And nothing’s happened. I’m telling you, this thing might actually go off without a hitch.

99: Don’t get lulled in to false security, Max. You know the motto: expect the unexpected. [taking a drink]

Maxine: Odd how you should say that, Mom, cause I think if you look over you’ll see something very unexpected from Anne, the warm, kind, gentle person.

The trio look to Max and Anne’s table. The two had been in a huddle for some time and then Anne leaned over and kissed Max on the cheek. 99 stared in shock and in slight anger that the wine glass she was holding, broke in her hand.

Zach:[looking at 99 and shattered glass] More wine, Mom?

99: That tears it. [gets up and heads over to table]

Maxine: [to Zach] Don’t just sit there, go stop her.

Zach: [looking at Max] And risk getting fired? No thank you.

Maxine:[annoyed] Then move and I’ll go stop her. [Zach gets up]

99: [to Max] Having a nice lunch?

Max:[smiling] Hey sweetheart! How long have you been here?

99: [annoyed] Oh, I’ve been here since the two of you got here.

Max: Really?

Annie: Ah, Mrs. Smart. I tried finding a restaurant with a shark pit, but unfortunately, they were all out.

Max:[standing] [to 99] Listen, 99, you’re more than welcome to join us.

99: I don’t think so, Max. [sarcastically] There’s one too many of us in the picture.

Annie: Well, if this how lunch goes, I’m sure the tension will mount with the three of us going to the conference party tomorrow night.

99: [confused] What do you mean the ‘three’ of us?

Max: Oh, well, 99…seeing as Annie was in town and all…I…decided to invite her to the party tomorrow.

99: [hurt] Well, thanks for telling me!

Max: I was going to tell you! In fact, I told you right now.

99: [on the verge of tears] Well, I hope the two of you have fun because I’m not going. [leaves]

Max: 99! Hey wait a minute! [goes after her]

Maxine: [to Anne] You certainly know how to clear a room.

Zach: Come on, Max. We have to catch up with Mom.

Maxine: You’re right. She’s emotionally upset and we should comfort her in her time of need.

Zach: That’s all well and good, but have you forgotten she drove us over here? [both leave]

Everyone leaves Anne sitting at her table. She smiles and sips some of her drink. The scene changes as 99 walks into CONTROL, with Max and the twins right behind her. 66 and Parker were waiting in the office for Max.

66: What’s going on here?

Zach:[slightly out of breath] You wouldn’t believe what we had to do to get a ride back over here.

Max: 99, what is wrong with you? I just made the suggestion to Annie that she come with us to the conference.

99: Have you forgotten, Max, that that conference is a highly restricted area?

66: Hey guys, don’t argue.

Max: [to 66] This is not an argument. This is a difference of opinion.

99: Some opinion! I didn’t even get a word in edge wise about you taking Annie to this party!

Max: Look, if you don’t want her to go, I won’t bring her!

99: Max, that is not the point!

Parker: Hey, listen you two, this really does sound like an argument.

99: [to Parker]Austin, this isn’t an argument. This is a highly verbal discussion.

Max: Look, 99. Just admit it. You don’t like her, do you?

99: [sarcastically] Now what gave you that idea?

Max: You don’t have to be sarcastic about it, 99. If you don’t want me to take her, I take her.

99: No. I want you to take her. I’ll just go with somebody else.

Zach: I really think this is starting to get heated, like a really bad…

Both: [to quartet] This is not an argument!

Max: So you’re going with someone else, huh?

99: Two can play this game. [leaves]

Max: [calling after her] Fine!

99: [calling back] Fine!

Zach: Hey Dad…

Max:[shouting] What?

Zach: You don’t have to shout.

Max: I’m not shouting! [pause] Well maybe I am. So what? It’s my office. I can shout all I want! [pause] I’ll stop, cause I don’t want to shout right now!

Parker: Chief, I think you should apologize.

Max: Well, she started it! She’s just jealous that’s all. That’s the least of concerns. Maybe I did make a major mistake inviting Annie.

Maxine: I don’t know, Daddy. I have a bad feeling about her.

Parker: Come on, Max. You’ve only met her twice and you don’t like her?

Maxine: Let’s just say I like her as much as I like getting a root canal.

Zach:[sarcastically] That favorable, huh?

Maxine: Hey, for all we know, she could be the one who goes after all those UN delegates for KAOS high command.

Max: Look, kids, let me worry about this whole 99 vs. Annie thing. You just worry about keeping those delegates safe. And speaking of which, who’s guarding them now?

Maxine: Martin and 22, Dad.

Max: [snaps his fingers] This thing can be easily solved.

Zach: The UN thing?

Max: No! My wife and my ex-girlfriend thing. I know what’s gonna solve it. If you’ll all excuse me. [gets up and leaves]

It didn’t take long for Max to get to Anne’s hotel room, which was oddly enough located down the street from the UN hotel. Max found her room and Anne seemed surprised to see him.

Annie: Well,[inviting him in] what do I owe the pleasure?

Max: It’s about you and my wife.

Annie: That’s an odd sentence to start with.

Max: Look, I know the two of you aren’t exactly best buddies, but…I think my wife is a tad bit jealous and she took this whole party thing really hard.

Annie: [sarcastically] Poor baby.

Max: Look, at least for me, will the two of you try to get along at this party tomorrow night?

Anne: Max, [puts her arms around his neck] if you really want me to get along with your wife, I will. Just because you asked. But I must say, I did blow into town with a vendetta. It hurts me to know that I let you slip through my fingers.

Max: [grinning] Well, it’s not all bad. I mean, if you hadn’t let me go, I wouldn’t have met 99 and we wouldn’t have gotten married and well…you know the rest.

Annie: But Maxi, I just didn’t realize what I was giving up. I’d do anything if I knew I could have a second chance with you. [kisses him]

 

COMMERICAL BREAK

 

Setting: The home of Mr. and Mrs. Smart. Max walked into the house and closed the door quietly.

Max: 99?

99: [from kitchen] I’m in the kitchen, Max.

Max headed for the kitchen and found 99 washing dishes.

99: Wanna help? [Max walks over] Listen, Max. I’m really sorry about what I said today. [passing him a dish]

Max: 99, it much my fault as it was yours. I shouldn’t have said yes until I talk to you about it.

99: At least it’s nice talking again.

Max: [under his breath] For the time being.

99: What?

Max: Nothing. Actually, 99, I have to ask you something. Sort of a hypothetical question.

99: Okay. [stops and listens]

Max: You know…how much I love your cooking, especially your deserts. Like those double fudge brownies. I love those.

99: [smiling] They are your favorites.

Max: Exactly. But…let’s say…one day…I had someone else’s…brownies. And, lets’ say, hypothetically speaking, they’re Annie’s brownies. I mean, not to say that I love your brownies any less, just in a freak moment in time…I tasted Annie’s brownies. Would you be mad at that?

99:[laughing] No.

Max: No?

99: No. In fact, I’m a bit insulted.

Max: Really?

99: Yes. Max, you’re a free man. You can have anybody’s brownies you want.

Max: I didn’t know I was that free.

99: Besides, why would you want her brownies in the first place?

Max: Excuse me?

99: Max, you just stood here and told me my brownies are your favorites, so why would you want to have some gross, hard, and chunky brownies when you could have mine?

Max: Annie’s brownies are moist and delicious. Men flock to her door for her brownies.

99: [smiling] Right. And I have the Queen of England’s phone number. [laughing]

Max:[annoyed] Now listen, 99…[stops and thinks] You’re really talking about brownies, aren’t you?

99: Yes! What’re you talking about?

Max: [pause] The same.

The two go back to washing dishes until 99 stops and thinks about something.

99: Max…

Max: Yes, 99.

99: Have you and Annie been…baking together?

Max: [looks at 99] [pause] No. Not at all. [pause] 99…I can’t lie to you. [99 stops washing] There is something I have to tell you, but [looks at a large knife she’s washing] before I do, could you put that knife down?

99: [looks at knife, then at Max] In a minute. What is it you want to tell me?

Max: Well, 99…[looks at knife again, then takes a couple steps away from her] In an effort to try and ease this tension between you and Annie…I went over to his room tonight. We had a nice long talk and she promised me, that she would try to get along with you, at least for tomorrow night.

99: Well, gee, Max. That was very sweet of you. To go over there and tell her how you felt and all. That’s very noble.

Max: There’s more.

Sunday came fast enough for those looking forward to the party that night. Max spent all day on guard duty at the hotel, taking Zach’s spot. The only reason he was there was because 99 wasn’t talking to him and the fact he had to take to the party and not his wife. The party time finally arrived and the party was swinging. The junior members of TS stood by the food table, waiting for the arrival of Max and Annie and 99 and her date.

Parker: [to Maxine] I heard that your Mom asked Congressman Ralph Jones to this thing.

Zach: Who’d you hear that from?

Parker: I have my connections, Zach. [pause] Just so happens I heard it from 22.

Zach: That rumor mill!? You’re gonna trust what he says?

Parker: He may be a twit, Zach, but he does have inside connections.

66: Look who just walked in. [motioning towards the door]

Max and Anne walked in and surprisingly, 99 and her date were right behind them.

99:[sarcastically] Fancy meeting you here, Mr. Smart.

Max: Likewise, Mrs. Smart. You look fabulous tonight. [taking her wrap] As always. Say, let me help your date out.

99: How?

Max: I’ll go see if I can find a child seat somewhere.

99: [sarcastically] How nice of you. I see you parked in a non handicap parking space. Perhaps you should move your car closer, that way Annie can get safely to it.

Annie: Just my luck you’d be driving that car, Mrs. Smart. [grinning] But then again, your husband drove me here.

Anne turned and 99 was about to hit her before Max stepped in.

Max: [to 99] Let’s save the fireworks until after the party, huh?

99: Well, she started it.

The party went underway. It was more of a winding down from yesterday’s proceedings and to relax before tomorrow’s conclusion. TS were merely there to keep an eye out.

Maxine: There’s something about this party.

Parker: Not up to your standards, Maxine?

Maxine: It’s not the party itself. Just seems like there’s something missing.

66: You mean the obligatory KAOS agent who disguises themselves among the guests to cause havoc on the party?

Maxine: Exactly! That’s it.

Zach: Well, I have a mystery for you. Anyone seen Dad?

99: Your father and his ‘date’ are dancing on the dance floor.

Zach: Correction. They ‘were’ dancing on the dance floor. Past tense, not present.

99: Well, where are they?

Zach: That’s a good question. [champagne glass in 99’s hand shatters] No more drinks for you. I don’t think you can handle it. And neither can the glasses.

Parker: I think in the best interest of the group and the Smarts’ marriage is to go find them. [stands up]

Zach: Right. [also standing] You girls stay here.

99: No way! If anyone’s going to catch my husband cheating, it’s going to be me.

Zach: That’s a twist.

Parker: Now, look. We all can’t go.

99: Exactly. Zach, Maxine and I will go. You guys stay up here.

They went in search of Max and Anne, first starting with the room the party was in. They soon came across a door painted white in order to shield its use for the party.

Maxine: What’s this?

Zach: Looks like a door.

Maxine:[sarcastically] Amazing.

99: Well, where does it lead?

Maxine:[opening door] Let’s go find out.

The three went through the door and down a corridor. Finally, they went down some stairs and got to a door that said basement.

Zach: Well, we know where that door leads.

99: I’d feel safer if we checked out this basement.

The trio went through the basement door and when they got into the light, they saw Max chained to the wall.

99: Max!

Max: 99!

Maxine: What’re you doing chained to the wall?

Max: You guys won’t believe this, but Annie is really…

99: A KAOS agent.

Max: Right. [pause] How’d you know that?

99 gestures over to a hidden door, from which Anne has emerged, with a gun.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

Setting: The basement of a posh hotel. Upstairs, there was a party celebrating the first two days of a UN conference. Downstairs, Anne was holding the Smarts for hostage.

Annie: You can scream if you want. Not that anyone will hear you.

Maxine: I knew it. I told you so. It’s like I’m psychic.

99: Nice plan. Seduce my husband in order to get to the conference.

Annie: Actually, Mrs. Smart, you’re wrong. My plan had been to come here and get rid of every single member of the United Nations, yes. But seeing Max again was just icing on the cake. In fact, I have a proposition for you.

99: I’m listening.

Annie: KAOS asked me to do a job, that’s why I’m here. But I’m willing to forgo that job. I have something else I’d like to walk away with. This is my proposition. I let you and your children live. I also walk away from here, leaving the UN members untouched, and you never, ever, see me again.

99: What’s the catch?

Annie: I give you all of that and you give me Max.

99 looked at Anne and grinned. Then she started to laugh.

99: [seriously] Forget it! You’re just gonna have to walk out of here empty handed.

Annie: You know, Mrs. Smart, [aiming gun at 99] I’ve been wanting to do this since I met you.

Max: You won’t get away with this, Annie. If you kill her, you might as well kill me.

Annie: [sarcastically] Sweethearts in life, sweethearts in death. How gastrically sweet.

Zach: You really think we came all this way down here and didn’t alert anyone? You must think we’re idiots.

Annie: You must think I’m the idiot.

99: [sarcastically] Idiot wouldn’t be the first word I’d think of if I thought of you.

Annie: The fact that you got here quickly has pre-emptied my work. See, if you had taken your time, I would’ve been able to slip the poisonous gas through the vents…

Maxine: Thus killing everyone on the first floor, huh? I hate to admit we didn’t give you enough credit, so I won’t.

Max: Annie, you don’t really think I’m going to run off with you after this, do you?

Annie: A quick clean up here, a quick shave on you…

Max: Wait a minute. [pause] You don’t like my mustache?

Annie: Oh Max, really. You’re not a mustache person.

99: What are you talking about? He looks wonderful with a mustache!

Annie: Only you would say that.

Zach: [to Anne] Shouldn’t have said that. [starts backing away] You’re going to be in trouble in now.

Anne looked at Zach and then 99 coming for her. Anne aimed her gun and fired. Nothing happened. The gun just clicked over and over again.

99: It wasn’t a good time for your gun to jam. [hits her]

Max: [to camera] That’s my girl. [smiling]

Zach and Maxine quickly went over to Max and tried to free him.

Zach: We warned her. We told her she’d be in trouble. Not our fault she didn’t listen.

Just then, a group of CONTROL agents rushed in.

66: We figured you might need some back up.

Maxine: With Mom here? No way!

Max: [looking at Annie] [to 99] Nice job, babe. Good thing you not mad at me.

99: Who said I wasn’t? [starts to leave]

Max: Come on, sweetheart, you can’t blame me for Annie going all crazy like that. [following her] 99, if it was kiss that’s bothering you, I didn’t kiss her! She kissed me!

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

Setting: CONTROL headquarters. Max and 99 stood around Max’s desk, looking at files.

99: Oh, by the way, you got a letter from Annie. [hands Max an envelope]

Max takes it and then tosses it in the trash.

99: You’re not even going to read it?

Max: Absolutely not. I’ve had my share of girlfriends from the past. In fact, 99, the next time an ex girlfriend of mine calls or writes and says she’ll be in town, let’s book a flight out of Washington. [Zach walks in] Zachary, it’s good to see you coming into work sober this week.

Zach: I learned my lesson, Pop. Drinking is strictly an off duty, weekend thing. I’ve got news that the UN conference is going great. The boys in the lab just found the toxic gas Anne was going to use and discreetly disposed of it.

Max: Where?

Zach: Where?

Max: Where did they dispose it of it?

Zach: Some little marsh outside the New York Women’s Pen.

Max: Oh. Anne’s not gonna like that.

99: Why?

Max: That’s where she is.

99: In the New York Women’s Penitentiary? [Max nods] Really? [smiling]

Zach: Oh yeah, Mom, before I forget, you got a letter. [hands 99 an envelope] From Victor Royale.

99:[pleasantly surprised] Victor Royale?

Max:[annoyed] THE Victor Royale?

Zach: Ex-KAOS agent Victor Royale.

Both: Ex-KAOS agent?

Zach: Dropped the KAOS gig.

99: [reading] He got an early release. He wants to have lunch with me next week. [looks at Max]

Max looks at 99, picks up the phone, and begins to dial.

Max: [on phone] Hello, Washington Airlines? When’s the next flight out of Washington? [pause] It doesn’t matter where it’s going. As long as it goes far from here and leaves tonight. [looks at 99]

 

THE END CREDITS OF GET SMART!

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