Around the Block in Eighty Minutes
Setting: The Blue Skies Apartments. In apartment number 78, Zachary Smart is getting ready for work as usual. He walks down the stairs and immediately starts to fall down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, he picks himself up, looks around, and is very composed. Zach walks to the bar to have one of his nutrition drinks and starts looking for a packet. From his window, a man enters, wearing all black and has a nightstick in his hands. He sees Zach and starts to walk over to him. Right as the man is about to hit Zach over the head, Zach drops something and bends down to pick it up. The club hits the bar and as Zach gets up to see what that was, he hits the man in the chin with his head.
The man falls down and Zach starts looking around to see what the noise was. Not seeing anything, Zach heads for the kitchen. The man, a bit dazed and on the floor, sees Zach leave and gets up and starts after him. Zach is wondering around the kitchen looking for something and the man follows closely behind. Zach goes over to the refrigerator and the man rushes behind him, only to trip on Zach’s foot and crashes into the wall. Zach looks around and really starting to doubt his listening abilities.
He opens the refrigerator and the door slams into the man behind it, nearly knocking him out. Zach gets a glass of milk and closes the door. Just then, the man hits Zach over the head and watches him and the glass fall to the floor. The man rubs his forehead and starts to dial a number from his nightstick.
Man: Smart #1 down. Proceed with Smart #2. And Diesel, bring aspirin.
In the same apartment building, in apartment 64, the same scenario happens with Maxine Smart. She, too, is downstairs, while her roommate, Agent Tracie is upstairs showering. Max is looking for the morning paper and realizes it must be outside. She opens the door and is immediately hit over the head and taken away! In some other part of town, KAOS headquarters to be exact, Conrad Siegfried, Jr., the head of KAOS, sits in his office, looking over some papers. Two men emerge from the shadows, but Conrad is very aware of them.
Junior: [gun drawn] [standing] Good morning, gentlemen. Maybe I can help you with something.
Man: Our boss needs to see you.
Junior: Is that so. Well, you tell your boss I have other pressing matters to attend to and maybe he should be looking in my date book to find another appropriate time for a conference.
Man: You don’t have a choice.
The first man starts to rush forward, but before Conrad can fire his gun, he too is hit over the head and is knocked out!
THE OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!
Setting: CONTROL headquarters. Chief Maxwell Smart and his wife, Agent 99, are now starting to get a tad bit worried on where their children were.
Max: I don’t understand it, 99. The twins are never this late. They’re almost an hour late!
99: Maybe they got stuck in traffic. There are a couple of things going on that could detain them. [Dr. Parker walks by]
Max: [seeing Parker] Parker! Come in here for a minute. [Parker walks in] You haven’t seen Maxine anywhere have you?
Parker: No, sir. The last time I saw Max was last night. [look from Max] We had dinner. Why? She isn’t here?
Max: No and neither is Zach. [phone rings]
99: [picks up phone and answers] Chief’s office. Hi, Tracie. [pause] What? No, we haven’t seen him either. [looks of concern from Parker and Max] [pause]Alright. Bye. [hangs up] [to Max] That was Tracie. She wanted to know if WE had seen Zach. He didn’t pick her up today.
Parker: What is going on?
Max: Not to panic. Maybe…they are in traffic. Maybe they got up late. Look, Austin, you and I will go over to the apartment and see if they left. 99, you stay here in case they call.
The guys leave and head over for the Blue Skies Apartments. Waiting for them, in front of Zach’s door, was Tracie Lewis, Agent Tracie and Zach’s fiancée.
Tracie: I thought you might come over, so I decided I’d meet you here. [hands Parker a set of keys] This is the key to our apartment and I have a key for Zach’s.
Max: [to Parker] Meet us back here if you find anything. [Parker leaves] [to Tracie, who opens door] Have you been in here yet?
Tracie: Not yet. I was waiting for you to get here.
The two step inside and don’t see anything unusual.
Max: You check down here, I’ll check upstairs.
The two split, but before Max can get anything upstairs, he hears Tracie calling him from downstairs. He rushes out of Zach’s room and sees Tracie in the kitchen door.
Tracie: Chief! Come in here! [Max rushes down to the kitchen]
Max: What’s up?
Tracie: [opens kitchen door] This.
The kitchen was in slight disarray. There was broken glass and milk all over the floor and the refrigerator door was open.
Max: [stepping over the milk] Let’s get this place cleaned up before Zach’s apartment is covered in insects and bugs.
As Tracie and Max cleaned the kitchen, Parker came inside.
Parker: There’s no sign of a struggle and your paper’s still outside the door. [watching them clean up] What happened here?
Max: Don’t know, but what ever happened is obviously bad. Tracie, you stay here until we call. Austin, you and I are going back to CONTROL.
The two men leave the apartment and head once more to CONTROL. In Max’s office, 99 was pacing back and forth, waiting for the boys to get back.
99: I just got a phone call from someone claiming they had the twins!
99: He wants us to meet him tonight. I wrote the address down. Max, who would want to do this?
Max: [thinking] Only one man is capable enough for such depths of horror and mayhem.
The scene changes to KAOS high command, where Col. Conrad Von Siegfried, Sr. sits at his desk on the phone. His partner and friend, Shtarker soon enters his office with a note.
Siegfried: [hangs up] [to Shtarker] I don’t understand it. I’ve been calling for over an hour now and there’s still no answer. Where is he?
Shtarker: Siegfried, I have something that may interest you. We just got it.
Siegfried: Well, what is it?
Shtarker: It’s a note. It says, “If you ever want to see your son alive again, go to the basement of the Washington National Museum. Here’s a map to show you a special cavern and where exactly to go. Be there at 10 o’clock.” It’s not signed.
Siegfried: So…someone wants to get on KAOS’ s bad side.
Shtarker: But who would do this? Kidnap the son of Siegfried the Great?
Siegfried: [thinking] Only one person would be cunning enough and bold enough to do this.
Max & Siegfried: [on split screen] My oldest enemy.
Setting: A secret entrance of the Washington National Museum. Max and 99 had followed their map to a tee and were now searching around the cave like cavern.
99: Max, are you sure this was a good idea?
Max: Of course, 99. Siegfried’s done some rotten things in the past, but this is going way too far. Kidnapping our kids was the last straw.
99: Are you absolutely positive that Siegfried’s the culprit?
Max: Of course, 99. Who else could it be?
As they continue to walk through, Siegfried and Shtarker were coming from the other side.
Siegfried: I can’t believe Schmart would do something like this. For all he stands for…he would sink himself to the lower depths of treachery and deceit. [pause] If I wasn’t so mad, I’d be truly proud.
As Max and 99 got closer to where they had to be, they spotted Siegfried and Shtarker only a few feet in front of them. Max and 99 slowly walked up behind them and Max pushed Siegfried into Shtarker.
Max: Where are they?
Siegfried: [stunned] [regains composure] Well, Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart. Or should I say Mr. and Mrs. Kidnappers.
Shtarker: Yeah, kidnappers.
Siegfried: [to Shtaker] Isn’t that what I just said?
Shtarker: I was repeating for emphasis.
Siegfried: [to Max] You know, Smart, I never thought you and the likes of CONTROL would stoop so low.
Max: What’re you talking about?
99: And if you want to talk about stooping low, Siegfried, there’s a picture of you in the dictionary. To kidnap someone’s children is totally beneath that of KAOS. Or so I thought.
Siegfried: What’re you talking about? [to Max] What is your wife talking about?
Max: Oh, like you don’t know! Now where are they?
As the four get into a loud and heated argument, a gun was fired in the air and the four were faced with about seven or eight men with very large guns in their hands.
Max: [to Siegfried] You mean you had nothing to do with the disappearance of Zach and Max?
Siegfried: I swear on my honor as a no-good, despicable, treacherous villain.
Max: I apologize then. And on the record, 99 and I had nothing to do with your son’s disappearance as well, Ludwig.
99: [looking at men with guns] Then that means we’ve all just walked into a very clever trap.
Max: [to 99] I’ve walked into cleverer traps than this before. [pause] Though, none so well thought out.
The four put their hands up and are lead to the door behind them and lead through it. Inside is a small lab of some sorts. The four were told to stop before an oak desk. The men dispersed, leaving two men to guard the four. Another man came out and went over to the desk.
Man: Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Smart and to you as well, Heir Siegfried and Heir Shtarker.
99: Who are you and why are we here?
Man: You certainly know how to get to the point, Mrs. Smart. I won’t hold you in suspense any longer. My name is Michael Rosen.
Siegfried: Rosen…Rosen…that name sounds familiar.
Rosen: It should, Heir Siegfried, as I once worked for KAOS.
Max: So what’s your beef against us?
Rosen: The details of that, Mr. Smart, are for my knowledge, but I will tell you that the four of you are going to do something for me.
Siegfried: I can tell you first off, Mr. Rosen, that KAOS doesn’t work for defectors. We might kill them, but we won’t work for them.
Max: I agree, except for that killing defectors part. If you think my wife and I are going to do your dirty work, you can forget it. Come on, 99.
Max and 99 start to walk away and are stopped by one of the armed guards. They turn back around and face Rosen.
Max: We’ve decided to stay a little longer.
Rosen: You’ll definitely be working for me. That is, if you ever want to see your children again.
Max: Where are they?
Rosen looked at them and then snapped his fingers. Three guards, with pistols, came out with Conrad Siegfried, Jr. and the Smart twins. The four went to go get them but were stopped by their armed guards. Rosen, making sure the four were properly being watched, took a syringe and walked over to the three captors. He injected each one with the liquid inside the syringe and had the three put into a side room. Rosen locked the door and again walked back over to the four spectators.
Shtarker: What did you do to them?
Rosen: The liquid I just injected into your children will kill them in the hour and I’m the only person who knows where the antidote is.
Max: What do you have in mind?
Rosen: The Black Ruby is being showcased at the National Gem Show. The first team to bring me the ruby…will get the antidote to save their child.
Max: Could my colleagues and I have a moment in private? [motions for the other three to join him] What’re we going to do?
Siegfried: Maxwell, it’s obvious we don’t have a choice in the matter, unless we want our children dead.
99: I agree, Max. In order for us to save Max and Zach, we’ll have to do this.
Max: See, I think this is just a trick to destroy CONTROL & KAOS. I don’t think Rosen would expect us to join up as one team.
Siegfried: What are you suggesting, Smart?
Max: Look, it does us no good to be on opposite sides. If we all look for the ruby and we all bring it back here, then maybe we’ll be able to save our kids.
Siegfried: As crazy as that sounds, Smart, I’m in. For my son’s sake.
The four break and turn back to Rosen.
Rosen: I hope you know, Mr. Smart, that no matter what you decide, you really have no choice in the matter. Unless, of course, your patriotic sense of duty means more to you than your children.
Max: Nothing’s more important than my family. We’ll do it.
Rosen: Good. [hands out two maps] Here’s the layout of the show. The X is where the ruby is. You have eighty minutes to get there and get back. Or your kids are dead.
Setting: A cavern underneath the Washington National Museum. Inside a large, dank, and drafty room, Zachary and Maxine Smart and Conrad Siegfried, Jr. were trying to find a way out of their prison.
Zach: [working on the door] It’s no use. We’re locked up tighter than sardines.
Junior: [angered] When I get my hands on that dirty, low-down, son of a…
Zach: Hold up, Junior. This is a family show. Secondly, our parents are out there, trying to get us out of here.
Maxine: [becoming dizzy] Zach, I don’t feel so good.
Maxine falls over into the wall and starts to slide down it. Junior and Zach quickly rush to her to see if she’s alright.
Zach: Maxi, you alright? [Maxine nods wearily]
Junior: [to Zach] We have to get out of here, Zachary. We just have to.
The scene changes to the front of the National Gem Show entrance. The team Max put together with 99, Siegfried and Shtarker stood in front of the entrance trying to think of a way to get in.
99: How do we get in, Max?
Max: Let me see that map. [99 hands Max map] [looking at map] The X is here, the front entrance is here, so…if we go straight through the entrance, we could…
Siegfried: Smart, do you see the skylight above the ruby? [pointing it out] Why don’t we go through that?
Max: Siegfried, that would be the obviously thing to do. If we go through the front entrance…
Shtarker: You’ll be detained by the guards. Siegfried has a wonderful idea about the skylight.
99: And I think Max has a better idea to go through the front entrance.
Shtarker: And you’re wrong.
99: [angered] You’re wrong!
99 and Shtarker start to argue and Max has to break it up.
Max: Calm down, calm down! Now, we obviously can’t agree on what plan works, so we’ll do this. One team does my plan, the other does Siegfried’s plan, but we go in mixed teams. Siegfried and I will go through the front entrance and 99 and Shtarker, you take the skylight. We’ll meet at the ruby. Deal?
Siegfried & Shtarker: [smiling devilishly] Deal.
Siegfried and Shtarker go off in their directions, but stop and wait for Max and 99.
Max: Keep your eyes on Shtarker, 99. I have a feeling the both of them are up to something.
99: Right, Max. Please be careful.
Max: I will. [kisses her goodbye] Good luck.
The two head towards their teammates and the plans go into action. At the front entrance, Max uses his ring to detect alarms and what not.
Siegfried: That’s a fascinating device, Smart.
Max: Thank you, Siegfried. I’m a little surprised myself. I didn’t think this thing would work by itself.
Siegfried: What do you mean?
Max: Well, normally [trying to pick lock] 99 has the device that locates any other alarms. [opens doors] But apparently, this place doesn’t have any other alarms. Come on.
The two men went inside and started to look at the map.
Siegfried: It says the ruby is straight ahead.
Max: Perfect, we should be able meet 99 and Shtarker there.
Meanwhile, Shtarker and 99 are trying to figure a way up on the roof. Before long, both were in an argument on how to get there.
99: Shtarker, I’m telling you, the best way would be to just throw the grappling hook over the wall and climb up.
Shtarker: And I tell you, Miss 99, using KAOS’ s patented wall crawlers will get us up there faster.
99: Fine. We’re obviously not going to agree, so why we just get up there our own way. [starts climbing] See you at the top.
99 starts to climb, while Shtarker puts on this suction cups and starts to climb as well. Minutes later, we see 99 at the top, pacing and looking at her watch.Shtarker finally climbs up and is terribly out of breath.
99: [sarcastically] Thank you for blessing me with your presence.
Shtarker: [breathing hard] Shut up. [taking a huge breath] Let’s just get that ruby.
Meanwhile, back at the basement, Zach and Junior are trying to find another means out of their prison.
Junior: [sitting by Maxine] It’s no use, Zachary. We’ve gone over this whole place. Nothing.
Zach: Well, we can’t just sit here and do nothing.
Maxine: Zach, I’m tired and sleepy.
Junior: Don’t go to sleep, Maxine. You must stay awake. We all must stay awake.
Zach: What do you think he injected us with?
Junior: I don’t know. It’s definitely something that makes you tired. Maybe suffocating.
Zach: Are you getting a little winded?
Zach: Me, too. I just hope our parents get back here soon.
The scenes back to the Gem Show where Siegfried and Max are almost to the ruby. Right as they get there, 99 and Shtarker come down from the skylight.
Max: Right on time.
Shtarker: Well, now that we’re here, let’s just take the ruby…[reaches for it]
99: [stops him] Wait a minute! You can’t just go taking the ruby like that. What if it’s rigged?
Siegfried: What do we do then?
Max: [pulls out specs] We check.
Max pulls out a pair of small infer-red eye specs.
Siegfried: What’re those?
Max: Dr. Parker’s 3D specs. They’re infer-red, you know. [puts them on]
Max: [pulls them up on forehead] The whole case is covered with trip wires.
99: Great. How’re we going to by pass them?
Siegfried: Very simple, Miss 99. Shtarker! The fogball, please.
Shtarker pulls out a small gray ball and tosses it to Siegfried.
Max: And what, may I ask, is that?
Siegfried: It’s a fogball.
Max & 99: A fogball?
Siegfried: It’s a small ball with fog in it.
99: I get it. When you throw it down, the fog with be released and we’ll be able to see the trip wires.
Siegfried: Precisely. Stand back.
Everyone stood back as Siegfried threw the ball. The ball hit the ground and the fog was released. Soon, a series of wires could be seen around the case of the ruby.
Max: Okay. Now that that’s done, who’s going to get the ruby?
Trio: [looks at Max] You.
Max: [shocked] Why me?
99: Cause you’re the smallest.
Max: I am not!
99: You are too.
Siegfried: Besides, you have more children.
Max: [shocked][annoyed] Fine. Fine, I’ll go.
Max took his time to go over each and every trip wire without actually tripping over them. He finally got to the case where the ruby was and took out a glasscutter. He cut a whole in the case and just as he was about to remove the ruby, he stopped.
Max: [to trio] Hey, I just thought of something.
Shtarker: [sarcastically] That’s certainly a first.
99: [sarcastically] [to Shtarker] Look who’s calling the vase Ming. [dirty look from Shtarker]
Max: What if this ruby is connected to an alarm system? You know, like if I pick the ruby off, the alarm goes off?
99: We just need something to replace it with. Something that’s the same size as the ruby.
Siegfried: Leave that to us. Shtarker! The ultimate fogball please. [Shtarker takes out bigger fogball] [to Max] All you have to do, Schmart, is catch. You can do that, can’t you?
Max: [getting ready to catch] I don’t have much of a choice.
Siegfried tossed the ball and Max caught it. He then made another circle hole in the glass and put his hands in. He quickly and carefully replaced the ruby with the fogball. He listened for any sight of alarms. When he didn’t hear anything, he removed his hands, went over the wires, and rejoined the group. The group went out the front and left everything the way it used to be. They soon found themselves outside.
Max: Perfect. I can’t believe how easily that went off. [to 99] There’s nothing stopping us now.
Siegfried: You should rethink your train of thought, Schmart.
Max and 99 look over and see Shtarker holding a gun on them.
99: Nothing except that.
Max: Dirty double crossers.
Siegfried: Please forgive me, Maxwell, but the lines of evil must be preserved. [holding hand out] The ruby please. [Max hands over ruby]
99: So what’re you going to do now?
Siegfried: The way we see it, we’ll kill you now and when we return to the cave, Conrad will be freed, while your children die.
Shtarker: Thus ridding KAOS of the Smart family. [laughs]
Siegfried: Shtarker! [Shtarker stops laughing] I don’t believe I gave the order to laugh.
Shtarker: I’m sorry, Siegfried. I know you did not give me the order to laugh.
Max: Now, wait a minute, Siegfried. Certainly, you’re not the type to kill someone without a last request.
Siegfried: Yes, actually, I am. Besides, I’ve fallen for your last request tricks and this time I shall not fall for it.
99: Siegfried, I can’t believe you. After all the four of us have been through, you’d really deny us a final request. After all the years of bickering and chasing and killing, you’d really put an end to us and have at it. Quite frankly, Siegfried, I’m awfully hurt.
Max: 99’s right. I’m actually insulted by the whole thing.
Siegfried: [giving up] You’re right. I at least owe you the service of a final request. Go on, Schmart. Make it.
Max: Well, Ludwig, it’s just that 99 and I have known each other for a very long time. And well…I just wouldn’t feel right if we didn’t do one last thing together.
Siegfried: First of all, we only have thirty minutes left and secondly, isn’t that illegal in public?
Max: [annoyed] I’m not talking about that. That’s a different matter entirely. This is something else. [to 99] Peas porridge hot, 99?
99: [looking at Max] [understanding] Sure, Max.
Max and 99 faced each other and started the hand game, Peas Porridge Hot.
Both: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold. Peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
As soon as they hit the last verse, 99 hit Shtarker and Max hit Siegfried. Both men fell to the ground, the ruby flying in the air. 99 caught and both she and Max hurried to their car and drove off. Within minutes, the Smarts were back at the monument, with Shtarker and Siegfried right behind them.
The four rushed into the secret cave and were met by Rosen. Max was about to hand over the jewel, when Siegfried grabbed it and the four began a tug of war for the ruby, until Rosen took his gun and shot into the ceiling. The four stopped, but not before Max grabbed back the ruby and stuck his tongue out at Siegfried.
Rosen: I see you got the ruby, Mr. Smart.
Max: Yes, but I have to admit, Siegfried and Shtarker did help us in the process.
Rosen: I figured the four of you would ban together. So, that’s why I decided to you let you all go. [holds up two viles] This is the antidote. All you have to do is give this to your children, but first…the ruby, Mr. Smart.
Max handed over the ruby and then received the three viles, one which he turned over to Siegfried.
Rosen: You better hurry. Your hour’s almost up.
The four quickly run to the room where their kids were. After being let in, they see the three lying against the wall, near death. The antidote was quickly administered to all three and the kids seemed to be alright after a few minutes.
Max: Now that that’s over, maybe we can get out of here. [going toward door]
Max tried to open the door, only to see that it was locked.
99: What’s wrong?
Max: The door’s stuck.
Siegfried: [pushing Max aside] More like locked.
The seven occupants pounded on the door and no answer.
Zach: [looking at the walls] Hey, is it me or is the room getting smaller?
Junior: The room isn’t getting smaller, the walls are closing in!
Zach: great! What else can happen?
Just then, a gush of water came from one of the walls and started to flood the room.
99: [sarcastically] You just had to say something, didn’t you?
******TO BE CONTINUED******
THE END CREDITS TO GET SMART!!