Augie Smarty & Smarty Daddy
SETTING: A warehouse in downtown Washington, DC. Inside the warehouse, two men are discussing plans for something really big.
Man #1: Is the machine ready?
Man #2: Yes. Within a few minutes, the most important heads in Washington will be nothing more than a bunch of drooling mutts. [a noise is heard] What was that? [the men look up and see some one on the
Man #1: Send some men up there.
Within a couple of minutes, two other men had brought down the intruder to face the two men on the ground floor.
Man #2: Well, well. A CONTROL agent. How much did you hear? [the agent remains silent] [takes out gun] Let’s kill him.
Man #1: [stopping the man] No, wait. Let’s use the machine. Let’s see if it’s as good as KAOS high command deems it.
The group of men take the CONTROL agent to a large ray like machine and stand him in front of it.
CONTROL agent: You won’t get away with this. I don’t know what you plan to do, but CONTROL always has a way of counter-acting any device in the KAOS arsenal.
Man #2: [laughs] Oh, we have something that you will never counter-act. [goes to ray machine and pushes button]
The CONTROL agent is hit with this bright beam of light, that lasts for about a minute. After the light goes off, the first KAOS man turns off the ray machine.
Man #2: It seems as though we have a success.
Man #1: Yes. I have to hand it to the scientist at KAOS. This is a great machine. I can’t wait to see the results on Maxwell Smart.
As the theme music starts, we see the CONTROL agent. His tongue is hanging out and he’s sitting in a crouch position. One of the other KAOS men gives the agent some sort of treat. The CONTROL agent takes the treat and starts to bark in return!
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!!
SETTING: CONTROL headquarters. In the office of Chief Maxwell Smart. Max, Zachary Smart, Agent 66, and Dr. Austin Parker all stand at Max’s desk. Max sits stone-faced, while the three junior members of TS await for him to speak.
Max: [gravely] Two congressmen, three military officers, the attorney general, and six of our own agents…turned into dogs. [leans back in chair]
66: We’re investigating those cases now, Chief. So far, we know KAOS is at work.
Max: [sarcastically] Well, that is a start, isn’t it? We’ve really narrowed it down.
Parker: Chief, on this short notice, we are doing the best we can.
Max: [spinning in his chair] I know, I know.
Zach: Look, Pop, how ‘bout we go down to the CONTROL deli. It’s Ice Cream Sundae day. Wouldn’t you like a nice big sundae?
Zach: I’ll buy.
Max: Okay. [gets out of chair]
The four start to leave the office when they run into Mrs. Maxwell Smart, Agent 99.
Zach: Oh, hi Mom.
99: Max, you’re not going to believe this!
Max: You never know. Try me, 99.
99: Two more Congressmen and a House aid have fallen under the KAOS dog machine.
Max: [shaking head] You’re right. I don’t believe it. [continues to go the deli]
The quartet stands and looks after the Chief, very stunned.
66: Chief, [ following him] don’t you think we should do something about this?
Max: Well, of course, 66. I plan to do something…after Zach buys me a sundae.
The group goes down to the CONTROL delicatessen and take their usual table. Soon, Charlie, the waiter, comes over for their order.
Charlie: What’ll it be, Chief?
Max: A chocolate sundae.
Zach: I’ll have a sundae, too, Charlie.
Charlie: The same?
Zach: Yep. [Charlie starts to leave] [stops him] Hey, Charlie, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.
Charlie: What’s up?
Zach: It’s about your agent discounts. Yesterday, when I came in here, my sister got a discount, but I didn’t. I think based on seniority, I should’ve got a discount.
Charlie: This deli doesn’t work on the principal of seniority. What do you think this is? A democracy? Try Herb’s Deli Hut across the street. [leaves]
Zach: [yelling after the waiter] See if I come back down here again! I won’t. I don’t care what their agent specials are, I won’t come back!
Parker: [looking at menu] Hey, they have a two for one special on the spaghetti plate.
Zach: [brightens] Really? Let me see…
66: Zach, let’s try and stick to the crisis at hand. [to Max] Chief, how are we supposed to stop KAOS now? This machine of theirs is causing more damage than ever! If we even try and stop them, who knows what our fate will be?
Zach: What machine are we talking about?
Parker: It’s the latest in KAOS technology. They’ve invented a machine that can turn the minds of men into anything. A brick wall, a river of information, it’s even a brainwashing machine. Right now they have it on doggmafier.
Parker: That’s what they’re calling it. One blast or beam causes some sort of hypnotic wave that causes the victim to think and behave as if it were a dog.
Zach: What kind of dog?
Max: [starts to say something, then stops] [annoyed] It doesn’t matter! The point is, this machine is turning every head of Washington into a bunch of canines! There’s only one way to stop them.
Max: Zach and I are going to find KAOS headquarters, get the machine, and destroy it.
Zach: [stunned] I’m sorry. You and who?
Max: Because you’ve been in KAOS headquarters before.
Zach: It wasn’t like they invited me to be there! I was taken hostage!
Max: Zach, you’re going and that’s an order.
Zach: See if I ever buy you another sundae again.
After coming up with a partially good plan, Zach and Max were off to find KAOS headquarters. They drove out of the CONTROL parking garage and parked across the street.
Zach: Dad, is there a reason why we just pulled out of the parking garage and are now sitting across the street?
Max: [looking at a map] Yes. We’re going over our plan again.
Zach: Good. I didn’t like that last plan of yours.
Max: [looking at Zach] [annoyed] We’re not changing plans, Zach. I’m just going over this map to find KAOS headquarters.
Zach: So we do know the location of KAOS headquarters.
Max: [looking at map again] Yes. Those CONTROL agents I sent to check out that warehouse last night told us where it was. [looking up] Poor Agent 70 though. Until we find an antidote to the changes the machine makes, his wife will have a terrier for a husband. [looks at map again]
Zach: [also looks at map] Dad, I hate to bust your bubble, but I don’t that map is going to help.
Max: [annoyed] What’re you talking about, Zach? Of course this map is going to help. See? [points at map] here we are. We just take Asher Blvd to Holman Dr, then make a right on Broadway and then a left on Cushing. Then we make another left on a Rogers Rd. and that tales us a block from the warehouse, which is here.
Zach: Dad, those are great directions and all, but I’m telling you this map is not going to help.
Max: [highly annoyed] Okay, Mr. Know-At-All! Why?
Zach: That’s a map of downtown New York.
After getting a map of Washington DC and making the directions again, Max and Zach were finally off in search of the warehouse.
It only took them a couple of minutes to reach their destination and they saw the building straight ahead. They parked the car less than a block away to avoid suspicion and walked to the side entrance of the building.
Zach: Dad, what makes you so sure this is KAOS headquarters?
Max: Very simple, Zach. You know that uncanny sense I have about things?
Zach: Of course. I inherited it.
Max: Well, my uncanny sense of KAOS and KAOS buildings, leads me to suspect that this building will shed some light on this whole case.
The camera pulls away from the two men and we can see a shadowy figure on the catwalk above. The figure moves away and goes down some stairs and into an office room in the warehouse.
Inside the room were the two men from the previous visit and of course, the doggmafier.
KAOS agent: Steel, we’ve got problems.
Back in the warehouse, Max and Zach had stopped to check in at CONTROL.
Max: [on shoe phone] Well, 99, so far we haven’t seen anything suspicious in here.
Scene goes to CONTROL, where 99, Parker, and Maxine Smart are in Max’s office. Scenes go back and forth.
99: We just received a message from KAOS saying if we don’t pay about a billion dollars, they’ll continue to turn Washington into a kennel.
Max: Any word on who the exact culprits are?
99: [looking at piece of paper] Well, the message is signed S & P. I had 66 go down to the KAOS files and check out the initials or teams with those initials.
Max: Good work, 99. I guess Zach and I are on a wild goose chase here. We’ll head back after we check the back offices.
99: Alright, Max. And please be careful.
Max: I will, 99. [hangs up] [to Zach] KAOS just sent a message demanding a billion dollars.
Zach: A billion dollars? Dad, there’s no way our government can pay that kind of money!
Max: That’s why we have to find KAOS first. Come on, let’s search those back offices there.
The two men walk into the back to check the offices. There were four total, but none of the doors would open except the last office they hadn’t checked.
Zach: Pop, let’s try this one. It’s unlocked.
Max: Alright, [withdrawing gun] but be on your guard.
When Zach opened the door, a burst of light came at them. It only lasted a second, but the damage was done. When they light was gone, the guns lie on the floor and both Max and Zach were in crouched
SETTING: CONTROL headquarters. Maxine, 66, and Parker stood in the Chief’s office, waiting for 99 to get there.
Parker: What exactly did you tell her, Max?
Maxine: I told her we had a slight problem. Not to get alarmed or anything, but come here as fast as you can.
66: What did she say?
Maxine: She asked why and I just told her Dad and Zach had a slight…altercation.
66 & Parker: Altercation?
Maxine: Well, what was I supposed to tell her? Mom, don’t get upset, but your husband and son are the pets of the household now.
The three turned to look at Max and Zach. Max sat in his chair, spinning around, looking at the ceiling, while Zach was on the floor playing with a ball Parker had given him.
Parker: We’ve got to find that KAOS headquarters.
66: How? The Chief and Zach were the only ones to know where it was!
Maxine: What about those agents Dad sent undercover yesterday?
66: Agent 12 went on a long vacation as of this morning and well…you’ve seen Agent 70.
Parker: Max, be honest. How’s your mom gonna take this?
Just then, Trudi buzzed in over the intercom.
Trudi: Mrs. Smart’s here.
Maxine: We’ll find out. [on intercom] Thanks, Trudi. We’ll meet her outside. [to Parker] Austin, you stay here with Zach and Dad. Tracie and I will talk to Mom.
The girls walked out and met 99 at the outer office desk.
Maxine: Mom! How wonderful to see you.
99: [worried] Max, what’s wrong? Where’s Zach and your father?
Maxine: They’re around. You wanna go down to the deli?
99: Maxine, no. What’s happened?
66: It’s nothing to be alarmed about. Really.
Maxine: She’s right. Wanna go to the park? It’s such a lovely day and…
99: Maxine Marie, you called me in a panic and now you’re acting as though nothing’s wrong! What’s happened to Zach and Max?
Maxine: [breathing deeply] Don’t be mad. Whatever you do, don’t get upset. It’s not really all that bad.
99: Max, what happened?
Maxine: Okay, remember when Daddy and Zach went to find KAOS headquarters?
Maxine: Well…let me put it this way. Something happened, it’s not really all that terrible, but it’s bad.
66: Really bad.
99: How bad is really bad?
Maxine: Actually, not really that bad.
99: [frustrated] Maxine, you’re talking in riddles. Start at the beginning.
Maxine: Okay. Let me put it to you this way. Remember when Zach and I were little and we wanted a dog? Well, now you and I have two. [seeing the look on 99’s face] Perhaps I should rephrase that.
99: [rushing to the door] Where are they?
66: [stopping] Mrs. Smart…99, look. It might seem bad, but the overall mission right now is to find KAOS headquarters and get the boys changed back. Until then, we must be our calm and rational selves.
Maxine: 66 is right, Mom. This can’t be a permanent thing. At least I hope not.
99: [taking a deep breath] How are they?
66: See for yourself. [pushes door button]
66 opened the door and the scene was…cute in it’s own way. Max was spinning in his chair, like a little kid and Parker was on the floor, playing with Zach. Parker looked up and noticed the girls standing in the door.
Parker: [trying to stand] Oh hi girls. I was just…watching the guys and keeping them in line and all.
66: [to Zach] Zach. Zach, sit down. Sit, Zach, sit. [Zach sits and looks up] Good boy. [petting him] Good, good boy. Yes, you’re a good boy. A very good…
Maxine is standing next to 66, just looking at her.
66: [stops petting Zach] Sorry bout that.
99: We’ve got to stop KAOS.
Maxine: Believe me, we’re not just sitting around playing with the dogs. [pauses] So to speak. I bet Austin right now is thinking of an antidote. Aren’t you, Austin?
Parker: [hesitant] Well, I… I tried a couple of things on Agent 70, but…um…to this date, it’s not very conclusive…
99: Don’t tell me you haven’t found an antidote yet!
Parker: Well, at this time, I haven’t really found…[pause] But then of course, you told me not to tell you that.
66: What’re we going to do? The Chief and Zach are the only ones that know where KAOS headquarters is and where that machine is.
99: [angered] Those dirty, despicable, horrible…
Parker: Mrs. Smart please! [99 stops] Let’s not get them any madder at us than they are now. Don’t worry, girls, we’ll get to the bottom of this. We just have to think of something. [pause] Look, Zach and the Chief got here, right? Which means that they haven’t totally lost their human capabilities yet. If we could find out how much they retained, maybe the only problem would be just to figure out what they know.
Maxine: Austin, that’s a great idea!
Parker: [smiling] Well, I’m not head of the lab for nothing. Not to brag or anything, but I am a scientific genius and all…
Parker: Well, I guess I was just born that way. My uncle was…
66: No, Parker. I meant how are we going to find out how much they know and how much is left of their human skills?
Parker: Well, I haven’t gotten that far yet. [the girls sigh] Hey, I just come up with the plans! It’s your job to follow it through!
99: [annoyed] Parker!
Parker: I’m only saying the truth, Mrs. Smart. Look, why don’t I take the guys downstairs and the three of you can go over the car. See if there’s anything that might be a clue.
Parker takes the boys downstairs and the girls leave to look in Max’s car for anything. They find the map Max had of New York, but there was an outline of another map etched over it.
Maxine: Hey look at this. [showing map] Dad must’ve gotten the wrong map and etched the right one on this one.
66: [taking map] Well, that means the Chief left us a map to KAOS headquarters! That’s great! Let’s go.
99: Wait a minute, 66. We just can’t go barging off to KAOS headquarters. We don’t want to encounter the same fate that Zach and Max did. Let’s go over the map upstairs.
The girls go upstairs and go over the map with a fine tooth comb.
66: [looking at map] Okay, let’s assume that this map is supposed to be a map of Washington.
99: Then all we have to do is substitute all the landmarks on this map for the ones on the Washington map.
99: Now assuming that Max was going off of a Washington map, all we have to do is find the streets from that map and follow them on this map. [points to wall map]
Maxine: Good thinking, Mom. [Agent 22 enters]
22: Well, ladies, in my hand I have the names of the people responsible for this whole thing.
66: No way! 22, that’s great!
22: Yes, it is.
Maxine: Well? Who are they?
22: Well, Maxine, as I see it, we both have a problem. See, I’ve got the names of the KAOS guys behind this…YOU got the Chief and the head agent of CONTROL. Not to mention that the head agent is also President
of the CONTROL Agents Guild.
Maxine: [annoyed] And exactly what does this mean?
22: Well, with your brother out of commission so to speak, that means you’re head agent, with 66 behind you. Which means, I’m next in seniority.
99: 22, how can you think about your job placement at a time like this?!
22: Very simply. I’m a young agent, in his prime. What if I meet that special girl?
66: [sarcastically] Like you did with that sheep?
22: You promised you wouldn’t bring that up again. But that’s besides the point. I’d like a raise before I die, thank you.
Maxine: [annoyed] 22, how bout this? You give us the names of the two responsible and we’ll let you walk out of here alive and not on a gurney. [smiles]
22: [nodding] Fair enough. Have any of you ever heard of Jack Steel and Jon Perry?
66: Can’t say that I have. [others nod in agreement]
22: Well, to put it briefly, Steel and Perry are masters in electronics. In fact, rumor has it, they built the very machine themselves about a year ago. Seems they wanted to get back at a former employer. Well, anyway, KAOS found out about the machine and hired them on the spot.
99: So the key to this is get at Perry and Steel.
Maxine: Good work, 22. Listen, I want you to get a list of all available agents left and have them stand by on my orders. [22 leaves]
66: Max, are you thinking that we should go in and find the machine?
Maxine: I’m thinking it, but I’m not liking it. But there’s really no alternative. Besides, we’ll have back up there, so if anything does happen, they’ll be there to get us out before anything happens, knock
wood. [knocks on the desk]
Just then, Parker comes back and he’s in total disarray. His shirt is torn as well as his pants and his hair is messed up.
66: What happened to you?
Parker: I made the mistake of taking the Chief and Zach for a walk. Everything was going fine, until a cat walked past. I was then dragged for about three blocks until the cat ran up a tree and then Zach and the Chief attempted to climb the tree as well. I bet they would’ve made it too if I hadn’t gotten stuck on that branch.
Maxine: [sorry] Aw, Austin. Look, we’ll take the boys tonight if you watch them again.
Parker: [exhausted] For what?
Maxine: We’re going to put a couple of KAOS agents in the doghouse!
Setting: The apartment of Maxine and 66. The girls decided they were going after Steel and Perry and get the antidote for changing everyone back. Parker was supposed to watch over Max and Zach, but was showing a bit of resistance to the idea.
Parker: Max, I refuse to let you girls go out and potentially get yourselves changed like everyone else. That and the fact that I don’t want to watch your father and brother again.
66: [petting Zach] Austin, we can’t just leave the boys here by themselves.
Parker: I already thought about that. Agent Sellers said he’d be more than happy to watch Zach and the Chief.
Maxine: Forget it, Austin. You’re not going. As senior agent on this case, I absolutely forbid you to go. That’s it, final, that’s the last word. Nothing you could say will change my mind.
Parker: [rubbing her arm] But, Max, I wanna go.
Maxine: [dreamily] Okay. [roll eyes at herself]
66: So what’s the plan, Max?
Maxine: Well, before we left the office, I sent word to both Steel and Perry that we’d be at the warehouse tonight. But what I didn’t tell them was that the warehouse would be completely surrounded by CONTROL agents.
99: That’s it? That’s what we’re going on?
Maxine: Well, Mom, you can’t make too many plans. I mean, what if we were totally prepared, something might go wrong. At least this way, we’re not too prepared, but we’re prepared enough. [confused] [gets
a look from Parker] [to Parker] What?
Parker: Nothing. I was just wondering how Zach got control of your mind.
Maxine: Well, come on let’s go.
66 gets up to leave and hears whimpering behind her. Zach was sitting on the couch, with this sad puppy dog look on his face.
66: Aw! [to Zach] Oh, Zachy, you can’t come. You gotta stay here and be a good dog. Will you be a good boy? Yes, I know you will.
66: Sorry. [to others] Hey, gang. Do we really have to change them back? Look at them. [points to Zach and Max, who’s asleep on the floor] They’re adorable! Do we really want to change them back?
66: Well, I meant like…well, you know like…[pause] Let’s go.
Some time later, the four find themselves at the same dark warehouse as the one where the boys met their fate. They walk in and suddenly the lights are turned on and before them are the evil duo of Steel and Perry and between them is the doggmafier.
Steel: Well, I’m glad you all could show up. I’d hate to have you running around with no where to go.
Maxine: Joke if you must, Mr. Steel, but you’ll get yours soon.
Perry: Hey, Jack, is she foretelling or what? [to others] You’ll be meeting your fate tonight just like your little Chief and his son.
Maxine: Go ahead and gloat. I have just one question before we take you into custody.
Steel: Oh really? And would that be our thoughts on how you’ll succeed in this achievement?
Maxine: [pause] That might be, but above all, what exactly are you planning to do when you’ve got everyone under your dog spell?
Perry: Start our own business.
99: What?! That’s what this is about? You’ve turned half of our government into dogs and just because you want to start your own business!?
Steel: My dear, Mrs. Smart. It’s so much more than that. With no government, KAOS moves into office, giving them complete control of the United States. That enables Jon and I to start a mechanical empire.
The revolution of a new age. People will work for us and they will be doing machinery and making our country the land of the free…and the machines.
Perry: And nothing’s going to stop us.
Maxine: Think again, you vile villains! For as we speak, there’s a horde of CONTROL agents waiting to descend on this warehouse and take you into custody. The jig is up. [calling out] Come on in, you guys!
[nothing happens] Okay, come on in, you guys! [still nothing happens] [looking around] Okay, any minute now! [still nothing happens] [annoyed] [to Steel and Perry] Will you excuse me for just one minute? [goes to warehouse door and peaks out] [comes back]
99: You did tell them the warehouse on Sixth, didn’t you?
Maxine: This is Sixth?
Maxine: Oh. I thought this was Fifth. That’s where all our back up is.
Maxine: [upset] Well, there’re a lot of warehouses in this town! Not my fault!
Parker: Excuse me, Mr. Steel, is there any way we can switch this little party to the warehouse on Fifth instead?
Parker: Just asking.
Perry: Well, Jack, I see no reason why we shouldn’t just take care of them now.
Steel: Precisely, Jon. Goodbye, parting is such sweet sorrow. [turns machine on]
As before a bright light is shot into the eyes of our heroes!
Setting: The warehouse on Sixth, not Fifth. Jack Steel and Jon Perry felt that they had just finished off the rest of Team Smart when Steel turned the doggmafier off.
Steel: Today is a glorious day, is it not, Jon?
Perry: The greatest, Jack. We’ve just done something KAOS couldn’t do for years!
Maxine: [gun drawn] Or did you?
Steel and Perry turn around to see our favorite foursome holding guns on them.
Steel: What the…? You’re fine. How…how can this be?
Parker: It seems your quick to get rich machine has a little flaw in it. I discovered it and took the precautions to make sure the four of us would not end up like the others you’ve swept with your spell of evil.
Perry: But that still doesn’t make any sense! This machine works on the principle of light and sound! How can you all NOT be under the spell?
66: Simple pair of sunglasses and earplugs.
S & P: What!
Parker: That and the use of the extra sonic padding on the earplugs and the super tolerance of the specially constructed shades.
Steel and Perry are completely dumbfounded.
Maxine: You see, gentlemen, CONTROL offers the best technology that money can buy, while KAOS only has the best minds, but yet CONTROL always comes out in the end.
Steel: What exactly are you trying to say?
Maxine: Two things, Mr. Steel. One, good always, ALWAYS triumphs over evil and that you’re both two of the most…clever of adversaries. Our government could’ve used you, but if only you had used your genius for
good…instead of evil.
Parker: [to Maxine] That was a wonderful speech, Maxine.
Maxine: [smiling] Thank you.
Setting: The office of Chief Maxwell Smart. After putting the dogmafier on reverse and changing everyone that had be victim to the effect, Max had the machine promptly destroyed. He sat at his desk, talking to 99.
99: Max, you have no idea how glad I am to have to you back. [kisses him]
Max: [smiling] Well, with a welcome back like that, I should leave move often.
Zach and 66 walk in, with huge smiles on their faces. At closer inspection, Zach is hiding something behind his back.
66: Chief, 99, Zach and I have something to tell you.
Zach: Well, with all the events happening as of late, [looks at 66] Tracie and I had a long talk and we came to a decision.
99: [happily surprised] You did?
66: Yes. We sat down and discussed it and realized we’re both on the same page. So this morning, we went out and did something about it.
Max: [smiling] Well…gee. Tracie, Zach…you have no idea how happy we are to hear this. Your mother and I knew this would happen one day…
Zach: [smiling] You did? [looks at 66] Well, good! Then you won’t be surprised when we tell you are really big news!
99: Bigger than this?
66: Much bigger! Zach and I are parents!
The joyous look on Max and 99’s faces quickly turn to confusion and disbelief.
Max: You’re…you’re what?
Zach: Parents! That’s why we’re late. We went down and picked one out ourselves.
From behind Zach’s back, he produced a small bassinet and set it on the desk.
99: [confused] [looking at bassinet] You went out and got a baby?
66: [confused] A baby?
Zach: No! We got a puppy!
Zach removes the blanket and there lies a sleeping Golden Lab.
Max & 99: [relieved] Oh!
Zach: Where’d you get the idea we had a baby?
Max and 99 laugh, highly embarrassed by their original assumption.
99: He’s adorable, you guys.
Zach: His name’s Bonzer.
Max & 99: Bonzer?
Zach: Well, 66 and I had a hard time deciding on a name. I wanted to call him Bonsai and she wanted to call him Chester, which I thought, and still think is a horrible name for a Lab. So we compromised and named him Bonzer. [to Bonzer] He’s going to be a little spy, just like his Mumzie and Da-da. Aren’t you, precious?
Max and 99 look at each other and then at Zach, as he continues to baby talk his puppy.
THE ENDING CREDITS OF GET SMART!!