The Secretary’s Seduction
“Good morning, Agent 22.”
She had been waiting for him. 22 walked into the outer office the next morning to see 99 sitting on his
desk, waiting for him.
“Mrs. Smart…er…99…” he stumbled, trying to get the words to flow from his mouth. “Hi.” Once again, his voice hit the soprano range. God, he thought he had gotten through this during puberty.
“I’ve been waiting for you.” She said, crossing her legs and swinging them back and forth, slowly.
“I see that.” 22 answered, nervously. He was still reeling from the kiss she gave him yesterday and was really quite surprised to see her waiting for him.
“Um…” he started, feeling his hands start to sweat. He wondered if the Chief ever had this problem
trying to talk to her. “Is… is there something I can help you with?”
“Actually, 22,” the woman replied, jumping off the desk and walking over to him. She put her arms around his neck and smiled. “There is something you can do for me.”
“Anything.” His voice hit the hit mark on the end of the word. Just looking into those big blue eyes would drive any man to insanity. He could see why so many men, over the history of CONTROL while she had worked there, fell head over heels. It was just Maxwell Smart’s luck he got the girl.
“You see, 22,” 99 said, staring dreamily into the man’s eyes. “Max wanted me to drop off some files for him, but unfortunately I don’t remember where they need to be dropped.” Her voice dropped in the sweet and sexy whisper register, as she looked down into 22’s eyes.
“I’d be ever so grateful if you could tell me, 22.”
22 was speechless and rather excited. He just couldn’t believe Mrs. Smart ~ Agent 99 in the flesh! ~ was coming on to him. This seemingly happily married woman was finally seeing the side of him no one else could or even wanted to see! The woman was beautiful, gorgeous even! Those blue eyes could make the sun melt. And…the ultimate clincher…she smelled pretty.
“Would you like a map?” is what finally came to the agent’s lips.
“Of the Pentagon?” 99 asked, sweetly. 22 nodded, as if in a trance. “Sure.” The woman replied, letting
the man go.
22 went to his desk for the week, opened a top drawer, and retrieved a map of the Pentagon. He handed the piece of paper to 99, who once again kissed 22 on the lips, this time lingering and slightly more passionate. The two broke, just as Maxine and Agent 66 came around the corner.
The woman said, leaving by elevator. 22 had the goofiest look on his face as the woman left, which quickly changed to that of a satisfied customer.
“22,” Maxine called, taking the man by his shoulder and turning him to face her. “What is going on here?”
Like that, 22 snapped from his trance. He couldn’t possibly tell the daughter of the woman he loved that he and her mother were engaging in the start of an affair.
“Nothing!” the agent exclaimed, trying to regain his composure. “Nothing at all. I was…just giving your mother a hug goodbye.” Seeing the look on both women’s faces, he added, “It’s been a trying week for me.”
“Right.” Maxine responded, annoyed that she had even asked. The girls started to head for Max’s office, when 22 stopped them.
“Maxine, I hope that when all is said and done, our relationship doesn’t suffer.” He said, honestly. “I
hold you in the highest regards and…well, I’ll understand if at first you refuse to call me ‘Daddy’.”
“What?” Maxine asked, in confusion and slight horror. “22, what in the…nevermind. Coming from you, I don’t want to know.”
The women proceeded their route into Max’s office, where they found him going through the file cabinet. “Good morning, Chief.” 66 replied, as she and Maxine took a seat in the chairs in front of the desk.
Max turned from the cabinet in surprise, folder still in hand. In his other hand, though the girls couldn’t see, was a miniature camera.
“Morning, girls,” he said, slowly regaining his composure. “Scared me there for a moment. You should never sneak up on me like that.” The women exchanged knowing glances. Something was rotten in CONTROL.
“Sorry about that, Dad.” Maxine replied, giving her father a smile. “That’s like the first rule of espionage.” Max walked back to his desk, closing the file cabinet as he did.
“What were you looking for?” 66 asked. Max stared at her for a moment, trying to read the woman’s face, to see if he had be found out.
“What was I looking for?” he repeated, still searching for a reason.
“Yes,” 66 wondered. “In the file cabinet. What were you looking for?”
Max glanced at the file cabinet and then back to the ladies seated before him. “In the filing cabinet?” he asked, confused. “What was I looking for?”
“Yes.” Maxine replied, rolling her eyes in response.
“Who says I was looking for anything?” Max asked, hoping the line of questioning would soon end.
“We didn’t.” 66 said. “I just wanted to know if you had been looking for something.”
“Something?” Max asked. “In the filing cabinet? That I was looking for?”
“Yes!” Maxine exclaimed, tired of her father’s seemingly obnoxious answers. She knew her father had his
moments, but this was ridiculous. “Must you always answer a question with a question?” the woman demanded to know.
“Do I?” asked Max, surprised by the new development. 66 put a hand on her friend’s shoulder, probably
stopping her from strangling their boss.
“It’s not important anymore, Chief.” She replied, wanting to get away from this conversation. “We just came in to let you know about that KAOS warehouse…”
“The one on the Third and Grover?” Max asked. 66 nodded, but before she spoke, Max added, “The one I told you to forget about?”
“But Chief, you must admit something must be going on there.”
“What makes you think something is going on?” Max asked.
It wasn’t what he asked that made 66 a tad bit curious. It was the way in which he asked. The normally happy go lucking man certainly wasn’t the man they were talking to.
“Chief, I’m merely going on assumption…” the woman admitted. No one had actually seen anything going on there, but the fact that Max didn’t seemed to be very concerned worried her.
“Well, you do know what happens when we assume.” Max replied, smirking.
“We’re very aware of that, Chief.” Maxine said, a perturbed look on her face.
“Well, if that’s all girls, I’ve got work to do.” Max said, pulling papers together and straightening them out.
“I bet you do.” 66 murmured, as she and Maxine rose from their seats. Both women left in a huff.
Max waited for them to leave, then on the intercom to 22, he said, “Agent 22, hold all my calls and make sure no one enters my office for the rest of the day.”
“So tell me your plan again?”
99 lay across the bench, her legs swinging on one side, her head draping off the other. Max was laying
across the bench as well, on his stomach, while his elbow propped up his hand, in which he rested his head.
“It’s like this, 99,” Max replied, blowing out a breath. The two had been trying to think of ways to get out of their current predicament and were coming up short.
“We start this fire. The smoke will fill the room. The guards come over to see what’s going on. In the panic and confusion, you and me escape from here and ride on to freedom.”
99 turned her head to look up at Max. “Ride on to freedom?” she asked.
“It’s an expression, 99!” Max yelled at her in annoyance. Being cooped up with each other in this little room was causing their fuses to go off, Max being the worst offender.
“Sorry.” The woman replied. She knew he didn’t mean it and she could tell he was becoming frustrated, as they both were. “Look,” she suggested. “Let’s do something to take our minds off of this.”
“Thanks, 99,” Max replied, sighing with indifference. “But I’m really not in the mood.” 99 gave Max one of her many looks. “Oh, you were talking about something else.” He said, catching on.
“There’s gotta be a way out of here, Max.”
“I agree.” Max replied, in no certain terms. “The problem is we haven’t found it yet.”
Just then, the cell door opened and Shtarker entered with two plates of food. “Dinner is served!” he announced, having two men enter behind him with a small table and two chairs.
“Oh boy.” 99 replied, sarcastically. Both left their cot and walked over to the table and the plates
“What’s tonight’s special?” Max asked, sarcastically.
“Burgers and fries.” One guard answered, removing a lid to reveal a flame-broiled burgers and a mess of
“Well, now I can die a happy man.” Max replied, in annoyance. “Where did you guys get this?”
“Oh, we’re having a bar-be-que outside.” Shtarker replied, happily. “Commander Siegfried is throwing it
in honor of your certain demise.” 99 picked up a plate and lifted the bun, just as Shtarker and the other men were leaving.
“Hey, Shtarker,” she called, stopping him as he opened the door. “I don’t like onions.”
“Miss 99,” Shtarker said, a smile coming across his face. “This is KAOS, not Burger King. You don’t get to have it your way.” The trio laughed at the joke and left the two in the cell, closing the door behind them.
“Well,” Max said, sitting down at the table. “At least they’re in a good mood.”
“Oh, well thank heaven for that.” 99 muttered. She sat down at the table and began to pick onions from her burger. “Max, we just have to get out of here.” She said, looking at him with a pleading gesture on her face.
“Who knows what Junior has up that crooked sleeve of his? And what he and those two impostors are doing to our children, not to mention our careers!”
“99, I agree with you wholeheartedly,” Max started.
“There’s a but.”
“There’s always a but, 99,” Max corrected. “And this case is no exception. But, in order to get of here, we need a really solid plan.” Max thought about something for a minute, before picking up a fry and chomping on it.
“I wonder what those two are up to.”
“I wonder what those two are up to.”
Maxine, Zach, and 66 sat in a booth in the CONTROL deli, trying to figure out the sudden and very weird
behavior of Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart.
“I agree with you, Max,” 66 replied, taking a drink from her glass of Pepsi. “There is certainly something going on between your parents.”
“It’s just not like Dad to be so secretive about things, especially when he’s keeping us from a potential mission involving KAOS.” Maxine added. “And what’s worse…”
Maxine stopped to look at Zach. “Zachary, could you cover your ears for a moment?” she asked.
“Just cover your ears, please.” Zach did what he was told and Maxine leaned over to whisper into 66’s ear. “And what’s worse,” she said. “Mom took Agent 22 out to lunch today.”
66 looked at Maxine with a scandalous glare. “No.” she whispered, ever mindful of Zach sitting across from them.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Zach shouted, his hands over his ears.
“You can uncover your ears now.” Maxine said.
“What?” Zach shouted. He uncovered his ears when he saw the look on the girls’ faces, as well as countless other agents who had heard him.
“Sorry, Max.” he said, leaning in closer. “I couldn’t hear you cause I was covering my ears. What did you say?”
Maxine rolled her eyes at her brother and continued her conversation with 66. “As I was saying, Tracie,
I’ve never known Mom to behave like this.”
“Me either.” Zach said, thinking about the cruelty he sustained from his mother at dinner.
“This is just too weird.” Maxine continued.
“Listen,” 66 began, trying to think of a tactful way to say her next sentence. “Do you think maybe your
parents’ marriage is…”
“No!” Maxine replied, scandalized. “Tracie…”
“Hey, I’d be the last person to believe that,” 66 replied, trying to defend herself. “But something’s
gotta explain this strange behavior.”
The three sat silent for a while, thinking. “Maybe they’re just under a lot of stress.” Zach said, finally breaking the silence.
“That may be,” Maxine said. “But they certainly would’ve called us in for a good heart to heart family talk.”
The three once again sat, silently thinking. “Tracie, you don’t really think…” Maxine stated, jumping to the worse conclusion.
“No!” The woman exclaimed. “Not your parents. That would like the sun never rising or summer coming after Fall. That’s the be all, end all scenario. There’s gotta be much more than just that.”
“So how’re we going to find out what’s going on?” Zach asked.
“Well, first we’ve got to find out what Dad was looking for earlier.”
Max stood inside of a phone booth on the corner, just down the street from CONTROL headquarters. His wife stood on the outside, keeping a look out.
“I think we’ve got everything, Boss.” The man replied, holding a small camera in his hands. “We weren’t sure if you wanted a little more.”
“How much have you gotten so far?” asked a mysterious voice.
“Well, with the use of the KAOS issued mini spy camera, I’ve taken pictures of just about everything in the CONTROL files. And Vicki’s gotten the help of one of CONTROL’ s own agent to get pictures of plans in the Pentagon. We were wondering, sir, if this is the time…”
The scene goes to an office. A chair rotates around front to reveal Junior, talking on the phone to the
fake Max. “Absolutely.” He finished, smiling like a cat who had just got the juiciest mouse in the house.
“I want to make sure it’s absolutely clear that the real Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart stand trial for conspiracy as traitors and…for the murders of Zachary and Maxine Smart. Make it look good, Vance. I want blood and gore; it enhances the effect and furthers news coverage. When all is said and done, the Mister and Misses won’t be the darlings of the spy world anymore.”