The Old Switch-A-Roo Trick
The city of Washington, DC. It was a beautiful Monday morning; birds were singing, flowers were blooming, and people hurried off to work and/or school. In the home of Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart, Agent 99 had just finish cooking breakfast and was carrying two plates out of the kitchen and setting them on the dinning table.
She looked at her watch and rolled her eyes. The same thing happened every morning. 99 sighed and headed towards the stairs. “Max?” she called.
She waited for a few minutes before making her way upstairs. She came to the bedroom she shared with her husband for over 25 years and saw the same thing she had seen every morning since they had been married.
Maxwell Smart lay fast asleep in their bed, snoring softly, and partially sucking on his thumb. He was spread out across the bed, with his top half on his side and his legs across 99’s side.
She didn’t even think Max was aware he was a bed hog. (He even kicked her out once or twice!) He looked so precious and adorable, 99 felt bad about waking him up. She walked over and sat down near his top half. She looked at the clock and realized the alarm had gone off several times after she had gotten up. She turned it off and looked at Max.
“Max,” she said, gently and shaking him slightly.
“Huh?” he asked, sleepily.
“It’s time to get up.”
“I don’t want to go to school today, Mommy.” He said, taking his thumb out of his mouth and shifting his position.
99 smiled sweetly at him. She’d done this routine a hundred times. “But Maxie,” she cooed, tracing the outline of his ear with her finger. “You’re a big boy now and you need to start getting up in the morning.”
Max let out an annoyed groan, as he twisted and turned in order to get comfortable again. He finally gave up and opened his eyes.
The same thing happened every morning. Maxwell Smart awoke to a brighter than usual sun, the singing of birds, the smell of breakfast downstairs, and last (always last), he caught the smell of his wife’s perfume.
Max turned his head and saw his wife sitting on the bed next to him. “Good morning, Mrs. Smart.” He replied, groggy, but chipper.
“Morning, Mr. Smart.” She answered back. “You know you should’ve been up twenty minutes ago.”
Max looked at the clock and noticed the time. “Correction,” he said, smiling at her. “Twenty five minutes ago.”
“Were you planning on going to work today?” she asked, knowing what his response would be.
Max propped himself up on his elbows and smile at 99 with one of those smiles. “Why?” he asked,
curious as to what she was getting at. “Were you planning something today?”
“I was planning on going to work.” 99 was about to stand up to leave, when Max grabbed her wrist and sat her back down.
“I don’t even get a morning kiss?” he asked, brushing her hair over her ear.
“No.” she said, avoiding his eyes.
“Why?” he pouted. She turned to look at him and knew she was going to lose another morning battle.
“Because you’re going to make us late for work.”
“No, I won’t.” Max promised.
“I promise.” The two said in unison.
99 knew every word the man was going to say before he even said it. “If I make us late to work, I’ll buy you dinner tonight.” Max smiled, knowing 99 couldn’t resist an offer like that.
He was well aware that this same scenario went on every single day, but on Mondays it was so much easier to get 99 in the same mood he was in. 99 looked at him, knowing they’d be late that morning and having dinner that night.
The same thing happened every Monday morning.
Zachary and Maxine Smart were waiting for their father in his office, located in the secret headquarters of CONTROL. The twins had gotten use to their father being late every Monday, they were even use to his many explanations as to why.
They also knew the real reason the man was late every Monday and why he and their mother would be having dinner that night. Max rushed in, quickly trying to tie his tie.
“Sorry, sorry.” He said, as he went to his desk.
“No problem, Pop.” Zach said, wanting to know what the excuse was this time.
“What’s the excuse this time, Dad?” Maxine asked.
Max finished tying his tie and tried to think. “What was last week’s?”
“A bus accident.” Zach said.
“Oh. What about the week before?”
“Emergency appendectomy.” Maxine replied.
Max thought harder. No way he had run out of clever excuses. “Um…” he started. “Speeding ticket?”
“A speeding ticket?” Maxine asked in disbelief. “Dad, that’s so…common for you. Can’t you think of something else? Like you were abducted by aliens?”
“That’ll be next week’s.” Max said, smiling at his youngest child.
“So Pop, what’s up?” Zach asked, leaning on the desk.
“The international organization of evil.” Max replied. “And the ceiling and the cone of silence.”
“So KAOS is at it again, huh?” Maxine asked, a wicked smile on her lips. “Let’s take care of them.”
“Always the violent way with you, isn’t it, Maxine?” Zach asked, playfully.
“Before we do that, we have to find out what they’re up to.” Max stated.
“You don’t know?” Zach asked.
Max shrugged his shoulders before answering. “It certainly can’t be worse than their normal low deeds and travesties.”
“I wish we knew what we were up against.” Maxine said.
“Calm down, baby sister.” Zach said, sitting on the desk. “I bet we’ll find out what and how KAOS is doing their dirty little deed and have it wrapped up by dinner tonight. What’s to worry about?”
Across town, in a deserted parking garage, Conrad Siegfried, Jr. was sitting at a makeshift desk, talking to his lackey, Shtarker. “Look at them, Shtarker.” He replied, looking at the couple standing before them. “It’s amazing, isn’t it?”
“The likeness is starling, Mien Heir.” Shtarker replied, eyeing the woman standing before him. “I can’t believe it’s not them.”
“It’s incredible.” Junior replied, in awe of the sight before them. “Vance and Victoria Neil, two of KAOS’ s finest.” Junior got up to walk around the couple standing in front of the desk.
“Vance Neil, one of the most dangerous and deadly killers in KAOS history. He’s killed more government agents than our top assassins. Cold, cunning, calculating…the cerebral assassin, people call him. He has a way of getting inside of your head and destroying you from the inside out.
“And then there’s his wife, Vicki. Beauty, brains, a body…everything a man could want in a woman. But on the inside beats the heart of a cold-blooded killer. You know, she seduced and murdered ten of the world’s best and brightest military officers.
“A woman so sweet, charming, attractive…I’d sell my own mother if I knew I could get my hands on Victoria Neil, regardless if she’s old enough to be my mother. Oh, men would pay their life savings to be…just to be in the presence of this woman! And that’s just them individually!”
Turning his attention to the couple, Junior continued his speech. “That’s why I brought you two together. I have a job for you. After years and years of trying to break into the US government, it donned on me two days ago what I should have thought of years ago.
“What if KAOS could get inside the various agencies and run them into the ground? I mean, completely destroy them! And then it came to me. The Neils. Vance and Vicki. The saviors in my hour of need. As I said, I have a job for you. And you’ll be starting today.
“I’ve already given out…an announcement if you will to your…replacements, so to speak. Meet me at our warehouse near Grover and Lowell in about an hour. That should give our prey just enough time to get over here.”
Max was sitting at his desk, when the phone rang. “CONTROL headquarters, Chief speaking.”
“Chief…” replied a shaky voice.
“Hey, Agent 27, how goes it?” Max asked.
“Chief, I think you should get down here.” Agent 27 replied, nervously looking ahead of him.
“Is something wrong, 27?” Max asked, in concern. “Where are you?”
“I’m at the KAOS warehouse on Grover and Lowell.” 27 replied. “I figured out what KAOS is up to. They’re making some sort of new weapon and shipping it out in the disguise of candy bars.”
“Candy bars, huh?” Max said, his brain in deep thought and his stomach growling. “Grover and Lowell, did you say?”
“Yes, sir.” 27 said, the urgency rising in his tone. “And hurry, Chief. I think they might be on to me.”
“No problem, 27.” Max said, standing and grabbing his jacket. “I’m on my way.” Max hung up the phone and bolted out of the door.
“Good work, Agent 27.” Junior replied, taking the phone away from the agent’s ear. “You might get an award for this.” Junior looked at the men who were presently holding 27 down.
“Kill him.” Junior said, taking his phone and walking away. He walked into his office, when he heard the noise from a gun. “Well, I guess you won’t be getting that award after all.”
“Did everything go all right, Mien Heir?” Shtarker asked, waiting for the good news.
“Picture perfect.” Junior replied. He turned to left and said, “You guys all set? I can’t wait. It’s like Christmas day for me.”
Junior walked over to his desk and sat down. Shtarker handed him a glass of ice tea, with a little umbrella in it. “Shtarker,” Junior said, pointing at his ice tea. “Look at this ice tea.”
“Don’t you see anything wrong with it?”
“There’s no lemon!” Junior exclaimed, hitting the lackey in the solar plexus. “Shtarker, this is KAOS! We do not not serve me ice tea with no lemon!”
“Yes, I’m sorry.” Shtarker said, rushing to find a lemon somewhere in the office. “I know we always serve your ice teas with lemon in them. I know there’s one around here somewhere…”
“Shtarker, forget the lemon.” Junior replied, completely annoyed with the incompetence of his supposedly right hand man. “For once, I shall forgo the lemon. But so help me, if this ruins my day…”
Junior sat back and calmed down. “As I had been saying, phase one, part one, has just been completed. Now all we have to do is wait for phase one, part two to merge and…”
Just then, one of the guys that held Agent 27 came rushing in. “Boss, I just got word from Natasha. Part two has just taken the bait.”
“Beautiful!” Junior exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air. “Boris, tell the boys that phase two is about to start in t-minus twenty minutes, so have them be ready.” Agent Boris started to leave when Junior stopped him. “Boris, did you take care of…our little problem?”
“Yes, sir.” Boris said, smiling happily. “He won’t be in our way any more.”
“Excellent.” Junior responded. Agent Boris left and Junior drank some of his ice tea. “Ech!” He said, pushing the glass away. “It’s just not the same without the lemon.”
Max drove into the deserted parking lot of KAOS’ s warehouse and was slightly surprised to see a familiar blue Jeep Laredo already there. “Hey.” Max said, tapping 99 on the shoulder. She turned around quickly and led with her left, which Max quickly ducked out of.
“You really shouldn’t do that, you know.” She commented, heaving a sigh of relief that it was only Max behind her.
“And you really should lead with your right.” Max said, taking a cautious step towards her. “What’re you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing, Mr. Smart.”
“Yes, but I asked you first.” Max said, smiling.
“I got a call from someone saying that KAOS was working from here and had plans on storming the capitol.”
“Really.” Max replied, a tad bit confused. “Well, I got a call from Agent 27 saying that KAOS was shipping a new weapon in the guise of candy bar boxes.”
“That’s strange.” 99 said, looking at the building in suspicion. “You think we’re walking into a trap?”
“I don’t know, 99,” Max said, removing his gun and checking the bullets. “But I think we should at least check it out.”
The two cautiously went inside the warehouse and started to look around. Just then, the lights came on and the duo was surrounded by KAOS agents. “Drop the gun, Smart!” Junior called, from on top of the catwalk.
Max dropped his gun and he and 99 stared up at Junior. “So, this was an elaborate trap, huh?” Max asked, staring up at KAOS’ s evil son.
“Basically, Mr. Smart.” Junior called, smiling at them. “I actually wanted to show you something. I have a surprise for you. I’d like you to meet someone.”
Max and 99 looked at each other and then back at Junior.
“Who would that be?” 99 asked.
“Well, in theory, you already know them.” Junior said, leaning on the rail and smiling at the Smarts.
Max looked at 99 in confused, then turned his attention back to Junior. “In theory?” he asked, not sure
he understood and not sure he wanted to know what Junior meant.
“Well, you probably don’t know their names, but you’ve definitely seen their faces before.” Junior said. “Wanna meet them?”
Junior smiled wickedly at the Smarts, watching as his best plan to date was starting to come together. He loved the look on Max and 99’s faces. The look of confusion and uneasiness that shown upon the couple’s faces was like a work of art to Junior’s eyes. “Mr. and Mrs. Smart meet…Mr. and Mrs. Smart!”
Max and 99 looked at Junior in astonishment and slight confusion. They then looked at each other and turned slowly around. There, they came face to face with…themselves!
The real Max and 99 looked in horror and shock at the Max and 99 standing in front of them. That was the last thing they saw, before darkness overtook both of them.
Junior came down from his perch and told the guards, “Take Mr. and Mrs. Smart to the room we made for them.” To the fake Max and 99, he said, “You guys know what you have to do, right? This plan took me a long time to think about and the fact that I know you two won’t let me down. The objective is to destroy
CONTROL, overthrow the government, and kill the Smart brats. You think you got that?”
“We know what to do, Mr. Siegfried.” Replied the fake Max. “You can count on Vicki and me. Those little Smart brats get in our way…” Vance took a pen from Junior’s pocket and bent the thing in several positions. Junior looked at what was left of his pen and went back to Vance.
“My mother gave me that pen.” He replied, trying to stay calm. “I don’t care what you do to Team Smart. You just make sure, when we let the Smarts go, they’ll be charged with everything but the sun.”
“Don’t worry, Conrad,” Vicki replied, smoothly. “We understand our job and you know, we would never fail.” Junior backed away from the woman slightly. She looked too much like 99 to imagine. He’d always had a slight crush on the brains of the outfit ~ not to mention his feelings for Maxine hadn’t changed ~ he had to remember himself and realize this was not Mrs. Maxwell Smart.
“I have a good feeling that KAOS will…repay your efforts kindly,” Junior replied, smiling. “And that the world is ours!”