SETTING: Outside the Seedy Oyster. The Smarts and Agent 66 stood in the parking lot of the bar, looking around.
66: Zachary, I think it might be wise to check in with our contact.
Zach: right. [walks over to a pole]
The rest of the gang follow Zach over a nearby pole in a cement block. There’s a large door(large pole)
on the front of it. Zach knocks on it and then gives a series of secret knocks. After a few minutes, a voice calls from the pole.
Voice: Who is it?
Zach: Open up. It’s Agent 78.
The pole door opens to reveal Agent 13. He’s smiling and the rest of the group is surprised to see him.
13: That’s me!
Zach: man, you have no idea how glad I am to see you. I thought we’d have to talk to that little twit,
Agent 22. [laughs] [a slightly mad look from 13]
13: that little twit is my nephew.
Zach: [calm] wonderful man. Delight to work with.
99: what’ve you found out, 13?
13: There’s definitely something about that bar. I’ve been here for two days and in two days, I’ve seen
about twenty KAOS agents go in and out of there.
66: That’s means they must have a mini base site in there.
Max: Or the whole KAOS headquarters in there. [everyone looks at Max]
Zach: Dad, that’s a wonderful idea.
Everyone: It is?
Zach: of course! I mean, where else to put a KAOS headquarters, except in a bar. That’s genius!
Maxine: Zach, run that by us again.
Zach: See, why would we suspect the headquarters to be in bar if we never would really think it be in a
bar, so therefore, KAOS puts their headquarters in a bar to throw us off the track because we never think that KAOS’ s headquarters would be in a bar, so therefore they thought that we wouldn’t check the bar, but we’re going to surprise them and go in and check out that bar.
66: [confused] So….we are going in…
Zach: absolutely. But we’re not going in the front.
99: We’re not?
Zach: No. we’re going in through the back. 13, your skeleton key, please.
13: [taking out key. About to hand it to Zach, then stops] Fifty bucks.
13: Fifty bucks. That’s how much CONTROL charges me for a key.
Zach: I don’t got fifty bucks! Don’t forget, CONTROL also stiffs us agents out of due raises. Look, can’t I just borrow it on my word?
13: HA! If your word’s as good as your Dad’s, then I’ll never see this key again!
Max: Now wait a minute, 13! My son’s word is as good as any person in Washington government.
13: [giving up] Alright, alright. [gives Zach the key] But I want that key back even if you get killed.
Maxine: 13, that’s not a very nice thing to say.
13: I don’t care. [to Zach] If you die Smart, that key better be in your will.
Zach: [sarcastically] You’re the pillar of encouragement, aren’t you, 13? [leaves with everyone]
Inside the back office, in a much larger room, Junior is having alone time with the sonic missile.
Junior: [hugging and talking to missile] I love you. You’re the first missile I’ve ever really loved.
You and I are going to have a marvelous time. Blowing up things….rather countries. [smiles] Oh, my darling, I can’t wait to…push your little destructo button. [unaware that KAOS man has entered] [hears noise behind him] [to KAOS agent] What have I told you about disturbing me when I’m with the
Agent: I’m sorry, sir, but some CONTROL agents have been spotted around the bar and It seems as though
they are trying to get in through the back.
Junior: [turns to face agent] CONTROL? They must be Zachary and Maxine Smart. This could possibly put
a kink in my plan. [thinking] Have some agents meet our….guests…as soon as they get close enough to the room. Then tie them up. I will PERSONALLY see to it that they are properly disposed of.
Outside, by the back door, Zach is using 13’s skeleton key to open the door.
Zach: This is going to be a great plan.
66: We have a plan?
Zach: [opening door and walking in] Of course! See, we’re gonna go in here and give Conrad Sigfried, Jr. a great big surprise! [turns to discover a gun in his face]
KAOS agent: Welcome, Heir Smart.
Zach: Well, you certainly ruined a perfectly good surprise.
The team was lead by the KAOS agents to the make shift headquarters. After the team was tied up, each
to a set of steel chains around their wrists, they awaited for the entrance of Junior. He came in with a huge smile on his face.
Junior: Ah, we have visitors! [walking over to them]
Zach: [sarcastically] Wonderful to see you again, Conrad. [Junior passes him and starts to talk to Maxine]
Junior: [waves at Zach] Smart.[to Maxine] Always the pleasure to see you, Agent 24.
Maxine: Likewise, Junior.
Junior: Don’t call me Junior. [turns to other wall] You’re all about to witness the launching of….my
baby. [takes a remote from his desk, pushes a button to reveal the missile] Man, isn’t she beautiful? [team looks at each other]
Zach: um….say, Junior….
Junior: [turns angrily] Don’t call me Junior! What do you want?
Zach: perhaps you’ve been spending too much time with that missile. How ‘bout you let us go and we’ll take it off of your hands.
Junior: [laughing; walking towards them] You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Take the missile away. [laughs]
Zach: [laughing also] yeah.
Junior: [annoyed] Well that’s not going to happen! How’s it feel, Smart? Knowing that you’ve been beaten and can’t get out?
Zach: [opens mouth to say something] have you met my parents yet?
Junior: No, I don’t believe I have.
Zach: Oh well then! [pointing to Max and 99] Mom, Dad, this Conrad Sigfried, Jr. Junior, these are my
parents, Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart.
Junior: How do you….[angrily][to Zach] Stop it, Smart!
KAOS agent: Sir, Commander Briggs is here to see you.
Junior: Oh! [looks at captives] The Commander’s here! [Commander walks in and over to Junior] You all know the Commander, don’t you?
Zach: HA! I knew he was a KAOS agent the minute I laid my skilled and highly trained eyes on him.
Junior: Did you, Smart? Is that why it was so easy for KAOS to steal the sonic aerial missile, wreck havoc on the world and put, not one, but TWO KAOS agents in the ranks of the newly formed CONTROL? Or was that due to your complete and utter STUPIDITY!
Zach: I’m sensing a lot of hostility from you.
Junior: [annoyed] That’s okay, because today is dead day.
Max: Dead day? [looks at 99] What’s that?
Maxine: It’s usually the day in between college finals.
Junior: No….of course I’m surprised you still know about college things….for not being in it. [dirty look from Maxine] No, MY dead day is the day I kill you all. See, I’m going to launch
my little missile. When it goes off, you’ll be caught in the backdraft and you’ll all be burned to bits.
99: But so will the other patrons out front! You’re endangering their lives as well!
Junior: Not so, Mrs. Smart. See, if you all had gone through the FRONT entrance, you would’ve have
seen a little sign in the window saying “Closed for the holidays.” But because you went through the back, a plan that was probably devised by Zachary Smart [everyone looks at Zach] you didn’t see that sign. So basically, there’s no one here but us deadly KAOS agents and you, of course.
66: Well, you’ll never get away with this, Junior!
Junior: [very angry] For…the..last…time….DON’T CALL ME JUNIOR! I am Conrad Sigfried! You can call me
Sigfried, you can call me loser, you can call me fat-head…some of my closest friends get to call me Conrad…but NEVER, EVER call me JUNIOR!
Zach: Can I call you Conrad?
Junior: [calmly] No.
Zach: Why? I’ve known you for a year! That counts as something!
Junior: No, it doesn’t.
Junior: Cause I don’t like you.
Maxine: Sigfried, there’s no way you can get away with this.
Junior: Oh, yes there is. You know where that little missile’s going? When it’s launched, it’s going
to blow up all of Washington…then, some of my crack scientist are working on an even BETTER missile….and that one will destroy all the east coast. And you can’t stop me. Cause you’re chained up and then you’re gonna die!
Zach: There’s a great deal of hostility coming from you.
Junior: Don’t you get it, Smart? [laughs] Look who I’m talking to. I’m going to do something that no one else in KAOS has ever done before. I, Conrad Sigfried, Jr. , am going to single-handedly kill the worst menace to KAOS. I’m going to kill the Smarts. Not one, not two, but ALL the Smarts. I’ll be going down in history as the only KAOS agent who had the good enough sense to come up with a plan to destroy the Smarts. I’ll be getting Agent of the Year, every year, for the rest of my life. The KAOS will rule the world. [pauses] But first, I gotta kill ya. [walks over to the door]
66: Where’re you going?
Junior: [turns] What? You think I’m going to stay in HERE and launch the missile? [laughs]
Zach: You really should. We won’t have any fun without you.
Junior: [laughs]Auf Wiedersehen, Schmart. [leaves]
Zach: you know, I think for the New Year’s, I’m going to resolve to make new enemies.
99: What’re we going to do? I’m sure Junior’s going outside now!
Zach: I’ve got a plan. All we have to do is deactivate that missile, so when Junior goes to launch it,
nothing will happen.
Max: hey, Zach, that’s a great plan!
Zach: Thanks, Pop.
Max: There’s only one problem.
Zach: What’s that?
Max: We’re chained to the wall. How’re we going to deactivate the missile if we’re chained to the wall?
Zach: [pause] Well…that’s….that’s the part I hadn’t really worked out yet.
66: hey wait a minute!
66: 13’s skeleton key!
Max: Listen, 66, I’m not going through that trouble again. 13 finally got on my last nerve today.
99: No, Max. She means the one we got from 13 to open the back door.
Zach: Oh yeah! [reaches in pocket, pulls out key] I hope this works.
Zach uses the key to unlock the chains and it works. He then unlocks the other hand and unlocks 66’s.
Zach: Take the key and unlock everyone else. I’m going to work on that missile. [runs over to missile]
Meanwhile, Junior and his KAOS prodigies are outside, walking further and further away from the bar.
Agent #1: Commander Sigfried…
Junior: Yes, Agent Kelish.
Kelish: Don’t you think we should’ve left someone in there to watch the prisoners?
Junior: Kelish, Kelish, Kelish! I’m going to blow the place sky high!
Kelish: Yes, but, sir, what if they escape?
Junior: How are they going to escape? You took the key they used for the backdoor. [silence from Kelish] Right? [still silence] [calmly] Agent Kelish…
Junior: You did take the key Smart used to get in the back door, yes?
Kelish: [pause] I knew it was something I forgot.
Junior: [angrily] Dumkoff! [hits Kelish in the head] They’ve probably escaped by now! [to other agents] C’mon! We’ve got to stop them from leaving and messing with my missile! C’mon! Snell! Move!
The KAOS bunch quickly run back to the bar. Meanwhile, after 66 had freed everyone else, they all stood
by the missile.
Maxine: Zach, have you ever disarmed a missile?
Zach: [pause] Well, let’s just say I’ve only messed up once.
99: Once? That’s good! How many missiles have you done?
Zach: [fidgeting with the wires inside] One.
66: We’re going to die.
Zach: No, we’re not. I just have to remember that saying.
99: What saying?
Zach: You know that saying about the wires in a bomb. Red and black are bad, blue and green are good. [thinks] Or is it blue and black are bad and red and green are good?
Maxine: [nodding] We’re going to die.
Junior: Hold it right there, Smart!
Junior and his gang had once again entered the room. And he wasn’t about to let the Smarts ruin his
Junior: [to KAOS agents] Get them!
Agents start forward as everyone, but Zach scatters away from the missile. The KAOS agents advance after them. Agent Karloffsky turns around the corner and is punched in the face by Max. He goes backwards, but easily comes to and he and Max start to fight. Commander Briggs, gun drawn, moves along the outside of the bar lobby. As he gets in front of the bar itself, a bottle crashes on his head. He sinks down to reveal 66 behind the bar.
66: I hope you’re not going to take this personally.
Meanwhile, 99 and Maxine were on either side of the door in one of the open offices. Agent Kelish was
cautiously checking all open offices. When he got to the one where Maxine and 99 were, Maxine came from around the corner, scaring Kelish.
Maxine: Hey, you’re just in time!
Kelish: For what?
Maxine: For a great big surprise! Now close your eyes.
Kelish closes his eyes and 99 comes around Maxine.
Maxine: [smiling] Okay, you can open them.
Kelish opens his eyes and the last thing he sees is 99’s fist just before it hits him in the face. He
falls backwards, completely out cold. Maxine and 99 look at each, smile, and nod. Meanwhile, Max is trying to give Junior the run around, around the missile. Zach is trying to deactivate the missile. Suddenly, Junior pulls out his gun and shoots it in the air. He then lowers the gun until it’s in the back of Zach’s neck.
Junior: Hold it! [turns and sees the girls come through the door] One move and I’ll shoot him! [everyone stops in their tracks]
Zach: Say, Junior…
Junior: [about to say something] Oh well, you’re gonna die anyways. What?
Zach: [passing him a wire] Could you hold this for me?
Junior: [taking wire] Oh, sure. [Zach walks over to a switch on the missile] Say, what’s this wire do?
Zach: I’ll show you. [flips switch]
A slight jolt goes from the wire to Junior. It shocks him and he drops his gun in pain. Zach then punches him and he flies backwards to the wall and slides down unconscious.
Max: Nice work, son.
Zach: Thanks, Pop. [to a slightly dazed Junior] You see, Junior, when you deal with the team of Smart, Smart, Smart, Smart, and 66, you and the ranks of KAOS are no match for the genius and highly skilled agents of CONTROL. We fight for right, decency, and the common goal of good.
66: Zachary, I totally agree, but couldn’t you have found a better way of distracting Sigfried? I mean,
did it have to be so…grueling
Zach: What’re you talking about, 66? He’s a KAOS killer! And in order to stop KAOS, we have to maim, kill, shoot, destroy, and any other act of violence. We stand for everything that’s good and wholesome in the world. [looks of confusion and concern go around the group]