Harry Hoo and Zach Too
SETTING: The coast of Florida. In a little café in the Saint Sans Hotel, a beautiful woman sits at the bar. She has long reddish-blond hair and is wearing a red pant suit. A young man walks by, wearing a dark suit and black sunglasses. The two see each other and the man motions towards the woman with his head, to follow him out to the patio. She nods knowingly and the man walks out to the patio. The woman gets up and follows the man to his table. She sits down and cuddles up to him.
Woman:(sensing resistance) Why do you fight me, Mr. Smart? Don’t you like me?
Zach: You’ve been coming on to me since I arrived. I’m here for one thing and one thing only.
Woman: Then I suggest we go to my hotel room.
Zach: (looking at the woman, then turns away) Would you believe… two things. The latter will have to wait though. You know why I’m here, so talk.
Woman: pulling away slightly]The shipment of KAOS guns will be arriving in two days. It’s coming by boat and will be delivered at midnight on Saturday.
Zach: Is that all?
Woman: No, but I can’t tell you the rest here. Come to my hotel room.
Zach: What’s in your hotel room that I can’t get here?
Woman: (seductively) Me. (gets up and leaves)
Zach watches the woman leave, then gets up to make a phone call. He goes around the back corner,
looks around, then takes off his shoe. He starts to dial CONTROL HQ.
99: Chief’s office.
Zach: Mom? What are you doing there? Where’s Dad?
99: He went downstairs to the lab. I’ll put you through. (the line switches to lab)
Parker: Lab, Parker speaking.
Zach: Parker, have you seen my Dad?
Parker: Sorry, Zach. You just missed him.
Zach: (annoyed) Can’t that man stay in one place? Where is he now?
Parker: At the airport. I’ll put you through to his shoe-phone. (line switches to Max’s shoe-phone)
Max: Smart, here.
Zach: Well, it’s about time. I had to go through two channels just to reach you.
Max: Sorry, Zach. I’m at the airport.
Zach: So, I heard. Why are you at the airport?
Max: I just put your sister on a plane.
Zach: Max isn’t coming here, is she?
Max: Nope. She’s going to California to look into the KAOS ports. Speaking of which, did you meet the
Zach: Yeah, but all she told me was when that arms shipment is coming in. She said everything I’d have
to find out in her hotel room.
Max: [concerned] Her hotel room? Just be careful, Zach. Don’t let the fact that’s she’s a beautiful
seductress fool you. You could be in for a dangerous adventure.
Zach: (grinning) I certainly hope so.
Max: Zach! Pay attention to your duty!
Zach: smiling) I am paying attention to my duty.
Max: I mean your OTHER duty! The one where you save the world.
Zach: Oh…THAT duty. No problem, Dad. I’ll be careful.
Max: Don’t forget, if you need back-up, 66 is staying in that hotel, too.
Zach: Uh oh. That won’t be good for me. Now I’m really afraid.
Max: Why do you say that?
Zach: I’m afraid 66 will kill me.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!
SETTING: The lounge of the Saint Sans Hotel. Zach is sitting there on the couch, waiting for 66 to arrive. She walks in the hall, sees Zach, and walks over to him.
Zach: (looking up) ‘Bout time you showed up.
66: (sarcastically) Sorry. I was actually doing something productive. You know, like checking around
the premises for unusual suspects. I wasn’t in some beautiful woman’s room, doing God knows what, which I CERTAINLY don’t want to hear about.
Zach: Nothing happened. I went in there, demanded more information and I got it.
66: (surprised) You did? Great! What is it?
Zach: Follow me. (heads upstairs) You know, you really need to learn self control.
Zach: Yes, you. (gets to their door) You always get so jealous.
66: (walking in) I what? No, Zach. I am doing my duty for my country. I am doing my JOB. Besides, don’t
you think it’s a little odd posing as newlyweds and already you’re cheating on me?
Zach: (laughs a little) Fine. You’re right. But like you said, we’ve got to do what we’ve got to do for
66: I never said that.
Zach: I was reading between the lines. Come over here and tell me what you found out.
66: I did a check on the KAOS Arms Dealers and they are shipping guns from off the coast of California
Zach: Well, Dad just put Max on a plane to Cali this morning.
66: Good. Now we’ll know what’s happening there and we’ll know how KAOS is shipping the guns.
Zach: Now, wait, 66. We already know how. We need a who, a why, and a where.
66: What do you mean we know how? We don’t know how.
Zach: You just told me how. Besides, Carmen told me how early anyway.
66: (sarcastically)Was that before or AFTER you went to her room?
66: Well, how are they shipping the guns?
Zach: By boat. It’s an ordinary boat that will past through customs un-noticed.
Zach: (about to say something, then stops) Hmmm, I guess you’re right. We don’t know how. We know how they are getting the guns here, but we don’t know how they’re getting past customs.
66: Well, maybe who will tell us how.
Zach: How will who tell us how?
66: Well, if it’s Smitz, we know that he’ll probably use his invisible paint to cover the boat to pass
through customs. And we know when.
Zach: Yeah, well, 66. I’d rather have a who and a where then a when and a how.
66: You would?
Zach: Yes. Then that would tell me our why.
66: (confused) It would?
Just then a loud commotion is heard on the first floor. Zach opens the door and asks one of the porters what’s going on.
Porter: A man has just been shot.
Zach and 66 hurry downstairs. There, at the bottom of the stairs, is a man laying on his back. A passerby had stopped and was holding the man in his arms. Zach rushes down to the man.
Man: (dying) Mr….Smart.
Zach: I’m Smart.
Man: Message to you….KAOS stopped…me
Passerby: Quick, we should call an ambulance.
Man: No time. (to Zach) Smart…beware of the….spider. (dies)
66: (joining Zach) Did he say beware of the spider? What’s that mean?
Zach: I don’t know 66, but I might be in a lot of trouble.
Zach: I’m arachnophobic.
SETTING: The Saint Sans Hotel lobby. After the paramedics came and took the body away, Zach and 66 stood there asking questions of some of the guests.
66: And none of you saw anything?
Young lady: No. We all heard a shot and the man just fell down.
Zach: Well, thank you. You may all go back to your rooms.
Voice: One moment, please.
The group turned to see an oriental man, wearing an all white suit and fedora.
Zach: (whispers to 66) 66, do you know who that is?
66: No. Who?
Zach: Not what. Hoo. That’s the famous Hawaiian detective, Harry Hoo.
Hoo: If some of you please will wait for me in the parlor. (everyone leaves, except Zach and 66) Ah,
Mr. Smart, I presume.
Zach: (shaking hand) It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Hoo. But how did you know I was a Smart?
Hoo: Very simply. You have the noble chin of your father, your mother’s eyes, and you are standing on
Zach looks around and sees that he is standing on a piece of paper. He picks it up and reads it.
Zach: It’s just a bunch of numbers. I can’t make them out. Can you, Mr. Hoo? (hands paper to Hoo)
Hoo: No. Was this the only thing that was found on dead man?
66: Yes, sir, Mr. Hoo. Zach and I checked the man for anything.
Hoo: Did man say anything before death?
Zach: Uh, yes, Mr. Hoo. He said beware of the spider.
Hoo: Beware of spider. That’s very interesting.
66: Do have something, Mr. Hoo?
Hoo: I am here searching for missing heir of fortune. His name is Michael “Spider” Rhodes.
Zach: Spider Rhodes. Isn’t he the grandson of famed gangster Bulldog Rhodes?
Hoo: Yes. The whole Rhodes family is named after very violent creatures. If you will excuse me, I will
ask questions of other guests. (leaves)
Zach: Wow, 66. Harry Hoo in the flesh. This case is gonna be a breeze with him helping us.
66: But, Zach, Mr. Hoo is on other case. It would wrong for us to ask him for help.
Zach: Well, you heard him. Spider Rhodes. Beware of the spider. I think these cases are tied together
66: Well, that’s one more how we have to find out.
Zach: Yeah. And another why.
Back upstairs, Zach and 66 are going over what happened downstairs.
Zach: Okay, we know how part 1 of the KAOS shipping.
66: They’re carrying the arms by boat.
Zach: But what we don’t know is how part 2.
66: Which is how KAOS plans to smuggle those guns through customs.
Zach: Right. We don’t know who is smuggling in the arms.
66: And we don’t know who or what the spider is.
Zach:(sarcastically) Thanks a lot, 66. Give us a new word.
Zach: But you’re right. Which brings us to how part 3.
66: How is Spider Rhodes disappearance related to this?
Zach: Exactly. So, basically 66, we know nothing.
66: Right. I’ve been thinking, Zach. If we know why and how, won’t that tell us who and when?
Zach: No, because we only know half of how and if we only have half a how, how will how tell us who
66: Well, why is a given.
66: Well, KAOS is shipping in stolen guns to secure their take over of the world.
Zach: Well, that’s an everyday thing. I think there’s a different why. Which is where who and when come in.
66: You mean if we knew whoand when, that would tell us why and how?
Zach: (slightly confused) Look, 66. Let’s just concentrate on one thing, huh? Let’s concentrate on how.
How part 1 tells us the shipment is coming in by boat. How part 2 will tell us how the boat will pass through customs and How part 3 will tell us whether or not Spider Rhodes is involved. I think we should concentrate on how part 3.
Zach: 66, I thought we decided we’d be working on how first.
66: No, Zach, I meant why are we working on how number three.
Zach: Because if this case does tie in, that might help us on how part 2.
66: Oh, I get it. We’re working inside out. Good plan, 78.
Zach: (smiling) Yeah. That does sound reasonable, doesn’t it? Let’s go downstairs and talk to Mr. Hoo
and see what his case is about.
Zach and 66 go downstairs and see Mr. Hoo coming up them.
Hoo: Ah, Mr. Smart. Ms. 66, I was just coming up to get you.
Zach: Wow, we were coming down to get you. What did you find out from the other guests?
Hoo: (going downstairs) I find that no one knows anything, but I have two possibilities. One, man was
killed by very angry person, who wanted him out of way. Or number two, man was killed by Black Widow.
Zach: That’s very interesting, Mr. Hoo, but tell me. How does an iddy, biddy little insect like the black widow hold up a gun?
Hoo: (looks at camera) Amazing. (to Zach)No, Mr. Smart. I meant deadly spy. THE Black Widow. Just like name sake, she picks her victim carefully, drains information out of them, and then kills them.
Zach: So, I guess calling an exterminator is out of the question, huh?
Hoo: Mr. Smart, more is needed then exterminator to get rid of Black Widow.
66: Zach! Do you think the man meant the Black Widow when he said beware of the spider?
Hoo: Worthy conclusion, Ms. 66.
Zach: You might be right. But if so, what’s the connection with Spider Rhodes?
66: They might be in it together. Or maybe there’s no connection at all.
Zach: Mr. Hoo, how long has Spider been missing?
Hoo: Since Thursday afternoon.
66: Zach, that’s the same day we arrived in Florida.
Zach: I didn’t do it! I didn’t even know Spider Rhodes! Unless there’s something you want to tell me.
66: Oh, Zach. I just meant that it’s very coincidental that the very day we arrive in Florida is the
day Rhodes disappeared.
Hoo: Tell me, Mr. Smart, what does bring you here to Florida?
Zach: The evil organization KAOS is planning to ship out cases full of stolen weapons from California
Hoo: Hmmm, very interesting. I have plan to catch killer and solve your case.
Hoo: I will arrange for guests to think Mr. Smart knows the identity of killer. Whoever killer is will come and kill him.
Zach: I don’t think that’s a very good plan.
Hoo: Don’t worry, Mr. Smart. After killer has killed you, Ms. 66 and I will arrest him.
Zach: Now that’s better. (then realizes it’s just as worse)
SETTING: The parlor of the Saint Sans Hotel. Zach, 66, and Mr. Hoo are among seven other guests Mr. Hoo
thought were suspicious. Among them were Carmen, the contact; Harmon Devonshire, from England; Ms. Spencer, a librarian; Col. Waters, retired from the air force; Micky Johnson, a writer; Peter Stone, a gun expert; and Victor Wright, a former government agent. They all sat around the parlor table, while Zach, 66, and Hoo stood by the bar.
Hoo: I asked you all down here to reveal the name of murderer. Mr. Smart knows that name.
Johnson: You do?
Devonshire: Well, man. Just don’t stand there. Tell us!
Zach: In due time, Devonshire. First of all, I want to give you my clues. As you all probably know by now, I’m a government agent here to stop the illegal shipment of stolen arms. The man that was killed, not only gave me the name of his killer, but the person responsible for the theft of those weapons. And I can tell you, it was someone in this room.
The seven guests started to murmur amongst themselves until Mr. Hoo quieted them.
Hoo: It is unfortunate that Mr. Smart can not give name of killer now.
Spencer: Why not? I think it’s our duty as guests in this hotel to be told if our lives are in danger.
66: Zach has a plan to capture the killer and none of you will be harmed.
Wright: Well, what is it?
Zach: I will meet with the killer to negotiate a reasonable compromise. I’ve been told there’s a bit
of a storm outside, so no one can leave the island until morning. I’ll just approach the killer and demand his reign of terror stops tonight.
Stone: Well, what about tomorrow morning?
Zach: The killer and I shall discuss that later. (loudly) I’m going to bed now. If ANYONE wants to talk to me, that’s where I’ll be. (leaves with 66 and Hoo)
Upstairs in Zach’s room, the trio go over Mr. Hoo’s plan.
Zach: I think this is a really good plan, Mr. Hoo, but there’s one part I don’t like about it.
Hoo: Let’s go over it again, shall we. At any point tonight, you will be visited by the killer.
Zach: That part’s alright.
Hoo: I will be hiding in your closet to jump the killer.
Zach: That part I like.
Hoo: Before the killer gets to you, I will jump from the closet and arrest the killer.
Zach: That part I love. Crazy about it!
Hoo: Unless of course, killer reaches you first and horribly kills you.
Zach: That’s it.
66: That’s what?
Zach: The part I don’t like.
66: Don’t worry, Zach. If you need anything, holler.
Zach: I’ll be hollering anyway, 66, if I get killed.
Hoo: Wait here, Mr. Smart. I shall see if guests are still downstairs. (leaves room)
66: Well, I guess I should leave you to your plan.
Zach: Hey, wait a minute, Trace. Listen, what happens if I don’t get out of this alive?
66: Zach, I thought you had all the confidence in the world in Mr. Hoo.
Zach: I do! It’s the killer I can’t trust!
66: (sitting on bed) Times like this I wish you were an ordinary business man.
Zach: (sits down next to her and puts his arm around her) Well, you know the saying. You are what you
are. I’m a spy, trained to be cold, vicious, savage, and ruthless. That’s not enough to be a business man.
66: (rolls her eyes) Zach…
Zach: Well it’s not. To be a business man, you also have to conniving, underhanded, sneaky, untrustworthy…I might as well be working for KAOS. (they laugh) So, I guess you forgive me for that Carmen thing. I swear to you, Tracie, nothing happened.
66: (giggles) Yes, I forgive you. I never can really be mad at you.
The two agents lean forward and kiss.
66: (breaking kiss slightly) Zach…
Footsteps could be heard coming up the stairs and Mr. Hoo enters the room. Zach looks up, rather startled.
Zach: Mr. Hoo! Are the guests downstairs?
Hoo: Yes. Guests are still downstairs.
66: Look, Zach, I’m going to bed, okay? (gets up and starts to leave) Be careful, huh?
Zach: If I’m not, I’ll be in big trouble. (66 leaves)
Hoo: Now, Mr. Smart, you also might turn in. That way killer comes faster.
Zach: I know. Why do you think I’m postponing this?
Mr. Hoo goes in to the closet and closes the door slightly. Zach gets into bed and turns out the light. Soon, footsteps can be heard coming to the door, but before the door opens, a shot rings out. Zach instantly turns the light back on and runs to the door. Opening the door, he sees Peter Stone on the floor. Soon, Mr. Hoo joins him at the door.
Hoo: Mr. Smart, do you know what this means?
Zach: Yes. Luckily, someone got to him, before he got to me.
SETTING: Outside Zach’s door. Peter Stone lay in a pool of blood. Everyone heard the commotion and they
all got panicked.
Johnson: That’s it! I don’t care if Godzilla is out there, I’m leaving this hotel!
Zach: Stay right there, Johnson!
Johnson: You can’t keep me here! (to other guests) He can’t keep us here. I say whoever wants to live
come with me.
66: You have no chance out there in that storm, Johnson.
Johnson: Believe me, miss, I’d rather take my chances with a storm than with a lunatic killer.
Zach: Fine, Johnson. You go out there and you won’t stand a chance. At least with me here, you have a good chance of getting out of here.
Johnson: Good? One of the guests has been murdered in front of your door!
Zach: I said a good chance, not a perfect chance.
After getting the guests back into their rooms, Zach, 66, and Mr. Hoo go over the things in Stone’s pockets.
Zach: Now here’s something.
66: What’d you find, Zach?
Zach: Another list of numbers. Just like the first dead man. Mr. Hoo, do you still have that first list? (Hoo takes out list) (looking at lists) No. I thought they might be the same, but they’re not.
66: I wonder what they mean.
Zach: The only way, 66, is to find the Black Widow and Spider Rhodes. Look, I’m going to make a phone
call, you and Mr. Hoo go search Stone’s room.
66: Right, Zach. (leaves with Hoo)
Zach goes back inside to his room, gets his shoe phone and dials his father’s office.
Max: Chief’s office.
Zach: Hi, Pop.
Max: Zach, how’s the case going?
Zach: Pretty well. You’ll never guess who’s helping us? None other than Harry Hoo himself.
Max: Hey, that’s great! Tell him I say hi. What’s up, Zach?
Zach: Well, Pop, I was wondering if Parker was in the lab.
Max: Yeah, but he’s working on a list of numbers Max gave him from California.
Zach: A list of numbers? Dad, that’s what I was calling for! There’ve been two murders here and on
both victims there was a list of numbers!
Max:begins to write) Zach, read off those lists and I’ll give them to Parker.
Zach: (reads of lists. Finishes) Hey, Pop. Have you ever heard of a spy by the name of the Black Widow?
Max: The Black Widow! Zach, be very careful with her. She’s killed ten of our best agents!
Zach: Well, before I can get her, I have to find out who she is first. Look, Dad, I’m gonna go and
search for clues with Mr. Hoo and 66. Have Parker call me when he figures out those lists.
Max: Will do. Bye. (hangs up)
Zach hangs up his shoe and puts it by the bed. He then hurries to Peter Stone’s room, where Mr. Hoo and 66 are looking through Stone’s effects. 66 is standing by the bed, reading a book.
Zach: 66, you’re supposed to be looking for clues. Why are you reading?
66: I’m reading Stone’s diary. It turns out, he was a KAOS and a personal assistant to Spider Rhodes!
Zach: (taking diary) Hey, that is something.
66: More than that, do you know what this means? You’re theory was correct! These cases are tied together!
Voice: I’ll take that!
The three turn to see Micky Johnson, gun in hand, pointed towards them.
Johnson: (motions to Hoo) Over there, Hoo!
Zach: Well, Mr. Johnson. Forget something while leaving?
Johnson: Yeah. Pete Stone’s diary.
Zach: (hides diary behind
back) What diary?
Johnson: Hand it over, Smart! (Zach hands over diary) This diary will ensure the protection of both my
family and that of KAOS.
66: (shocked) You’re Spider Rhodes!
Rhodes: At your service. (to Hoo) Look, Mr. hoo, you found me.
Zach: What do you have to do with KAOS?
Rhodes: Well, not to give away the plot, but just who do you think arranges those little shipments of
66: You’re the head of the arms dealers?
Rhodes: That’s me.
Zach: So, you’re the one who shot Stone and the first man?
Rhodes: No, I only shot Stone. I was looking for that list he had on him. You wouldn’t happen to have that on you, would you?
Zach: Oh yeah right! If I were to tell you that I didn’t have the list, only to fool you to think I had the list, that would confuse you because why would I say I had the list if I never really had the list, so therefore, you would search me and not find the list, when in actuality I never even had a list.
Hoo & Rhodes: What?!?
66: Could you repeat that?
Zach: I don’t think so.
While Rhodes is highly confused, Zach does a high kick and knocks the gun from Rhodes’ hand. They
struggle and finally Zach gets him subdued and handcuffs him to the door.
Zach: Don’t go nowhere. (to 66) Watch him and make sure he doesn’t go anywhere. Mr. Hoo, I’d like you
to tell the rest of the guest that there are two murderers and one has been caught.
Hoo: What are you going to do?
Zach: I’m going to my room and make a phone call to headquarters. Then you and I are going to look for
that other murderer. (Rushes to room)
Zach goes to his room and starts to dial CONTROL.
Max: Zach, I’m glad you called. Parker decoded those numbers.
Zach: Great! What are they?
Max: They’re the numbers of KAOS agents who’ve either defected or have been killed.
As Zach talks to Max, the door starts to close, revealing Carmen standing behind it with a revolver. Zach hears the noise of the door and stops talking.
Max: Zach, what’s wrong?
Zach: Dad, I think there’s someone in my room.
Carmen: Drop the shoe phone, Mr. Smart.
Zach: Now I’m positive there’s someone in my room. (puts the phone on the bed and stands up)
Carmen: Turn around.
Zach: Well, I hope you know what this means.
Zach: I can’t see you anymore.
Carmen: That’s no problem for me, Mr. Smart. You see, (moves closer) I always end a relationship.
Zach: So you’re the Black Widow.
Carmen: You’re a smart man, Mr. Smart.
Zach: I know. That’s why my last name’s Smart. Why don’t you tell me why you killed that man in the
hallway this morning.
Carmen: You see, Mr. Smart, he was carrying some vital information about….my past.
Zach: Those were KAOS agent numbers. Why are you so interested? Aren’t you KAOS affiliated?
Carmen: No, Mr. Smart. I’m my own woman, therefore I am my own agent.
Zach: So, you’re killing both CONTROL and KAOS agents? Why? What’s the point?
Carmen: I want to rule the world. I had planned just to let your silly organizations kill themselves
off, but with you and your Team Smart in CONTROL and that twerp Conrad Sigfried running KAOS, it was harder than I thought.
Zach: Well, you’re right about one thing. Junior is a twerp.
Carmen: Before this plan, I couldn’t decide who to get rid of first.
Zach: I hate a woman who can’t make up her mind.
Carmen: Well, Zachary, any last words?
Suddenly, a shot is heard and Carmen falls to the floor. Standing in the doorway, was 66, with this smile of satisfaction on her face.
Zach: (looking at Carmen) Well, Carmen, I have one thing. Those who tangle to deceive, get shot by a
very angry partner.
66: So she was the Black Widow, huh?
Zach: Yep and oh what a web she wove. You know, 66, I think this could have been avoided.
66: Why? I enjoyed it.
Zach: I’m sure she had love to give. If only she had used it for good, instead of evil.
SETTING: The Saint Sans Hotel lobby. Zach, 66, and Mr. Hoo are standing at the checkout desk, discussing the case.
Hoo: I’m sure your father will be proud of you, Mr. Smart. Tell me, how did you know that Carmen was
Zach: Well, Mr. Hoo, in a situation like this, you have to rely on certain instincts. First I noticed
her attraction to me. It was different than any other woman who’s usually attracted to me. (66 rolls her eyes) Then I noticed her non-chalant-ness in the bar when I met her and her carefree spirit, even after there had been a murder. And the last thing that brought her to my attention was the fact that she tried to kill me.
66: Well, we came to a conclusion on our case.
Zach: Yes. We found our who, our why, our when, and our three hows. Wanna know how we did it, Mr. Hoo?
Hoo: (disturbed) Oh no, Mr. Smart! I must catch plane back to Hawaii to give my reports to officials.
66: Well, it was very nice working with you, Mr. Hoo. (Hoo bows)
Zach: Yes, maybe we can do it again. (fooling around with a pen)
Zach accidentily hits the knob and ink squirts on Hoo’s jacket
Zach: Oh, sorry about that Mr. Hoo.
Hoo: (to camera) Amazing. (leaves)
Zach: Hey, 66, what’re we doing? We still have an extra day here. Let’s stay and call it a vacation.
66: (hesitant) Zach, I think we should go back to Washington. Don’t you?
Zach: (pause) You’re right. I’ll check us out.
66: I’ll be on the patio. (leaves)
Desk Clerk: Checking out, Mr. Smart? (hands book to Zach)
Zach: (signing) Yeah.
DC: Could you sign this bill, too, sir?
Zach: Bill? What bill?
DC: The bill for the ambulances! They had to come down and pick up three bodies! They’re not house doctors you know.
Zach: (at camera) Amazing.
THE END CREDITS FOR GET SMART!