MAX & 99 GET A CASE OF THE FLU
SETTING: Some where in the Sahara Desert. In the mist of a wind storm, there is a little green tent set up by a palm tree. Inside, a man sits at a table reading a book. Suddenly, the tent flap opens and we see a little man in white wearing glasses. The man at the table looks up and the little man takes out a blue vile. He hands it to the man at the table and then turns around and leaves. The man at the table, reaches
underneath the table and pulls out a red phone. He picks up the receiver and starts to dial.
The scene then shifts to a dark room, where the telephone is ringing. A light turns on and a very sleepy woman answers.
Woman: Hello? Yeah, he’s here. Hold on. (rolls over) Ted? Teddy? TED!
Ted: (grunting) What?
Woman: Phone call. (hands phone to Ted) And this better be the last time we get a phone call at three in the morning! (rolls back to sleep)
Ted: Did you get it?
Man: Yes, sir. It’s in my hands now. Should I go and send it to KAOS?
Ted: Yeah, go ahead, but be careful. You’ve got a powerful little vile there, that could virtually take out the entire United States. One false move and you could be contaminated. I wanna be able to have some fun with it. Terrorize a country or two.
Man: Yes, sir. I’ll be very careful. I’ll send the briefing notes tomorrow for you.
Ted: Thanks. Now get off! You made my wife angry. (hangs up)
Woman: Was that work again?
Ted: Yep. Sorry. I’ve got a big deal coming tomorrow morning. I want to take all the precautions. I promise this is the last time.
Woman: I never realized how hard it is to be a corporate businessman.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!
SETTING: CONTROL headquarters. The phones in the Chief’s office are ringing off the hook. Max is talking to the president on the black phone, Zach is dealing with Congress on the white phone, Maxine is busy talking to the air force on the Flight phone, and Agent 66 must reassure the United Nations on the Hope phone. Zach hangs up his phone and breathes a sigh of frustration.
Zach: If I have to talk to another congress member…
Just then, the phone rings and Zach picks it up angrily.
Zach: Hello! Yes, sir, Mr. Thompson, as soon as we come up with something, we will notify you. (hangs up. Phone rings again) Hello. Believe me, Senator, we’re working on it. (hangs up) If only you people would stop calling. (phone rings) Now what!? (picks up) What! What do you want? What in the depths of your ignorance do you want? (pauses) Oh, hi, mom. No, I was…I was just joking. (laughs) Sorry. It’s kinda chaotic at the CONTROL Casa. Chaos, what an obnoxious word and organization. Yeah, I’ll tell him you called. I’m really sorry about that, Mom. Okay, bye.
Maxine: Yes, Col. Dalericks, I will call you back as soon as we have something.(pause) Well, if we had something, sir, would I STILL be talking to you? (Hangs up) This is driving me crazy.
Zach: Driving you crazy? At least you didn’t have to talk to half of Congress.
66: (hanging up) Well, at least you didn’t have to explain the situation in several different languages.
Max: (hanging up) I can top you. I was talking to the President. He’s not very happy. In fact, I do believe his words were, “Smart, I’m livid! I am appalled that your team didn’t catch on to this virus
66: Was that all he said?
Max: No. That’s all I can and would want to repeat.
Maxine: You know, I’ve been talking and talking to the point that I’ve forgotten what it was that we should have known. What are we even talking about it?
Zach: That flu virus that KAOS had transferred over here last night. It’s powerful enough to take out all of Washington in just five minutes.
Max: Basically, KAOS has the worse flu epidemic in centuries in their possession and they won’t hesitate in a moment to use it on every single country on this side of the equator.
66: What are we gonna do?
Just then, Max’s intercom went off.
Max: Yes, Trudi?
Trudi: Mr. Smart, Dr. Parker from the lab is here to see you. He says it’s important.
Max: Send him in. (Parker walks through the door) What’s up, Parker?
Parker: I thought you might want to see the KAOS broadcast on your viewing screen, so I brought a remote.
Parker points the remote at the back wall and it rises to reveal a large screen TV. He then clicks the
channel and on the air is a man holding a little blue vile.
Man:…If the American people don’t meet my demands, I will let lose the duplicates of this exact vile on Washington and the rest of the states. As we speak, I’ve conveniently placed drops of this liquid into substances being delivered all over Washington. By now, the majority of your top minds and heads of Washington are feeling very queasy. Don’t think you can stop me! Your secret agencies are next!
The screen goes blank and Parker moves the wall back down.
Parker: What do we do now?
Max: (thinking) Parker, is there a way you can come up with some sort of antidote to over ride this?
Parker: What do you think I’ve been doing? I’ve been down at the research lab since early this morning. So far, the only thing that can curb it is common day cold medicine and a piping hot bowl of chicken noodle soup.
Max: Well, go back down there and see what else you can do.
Parker: Right. (leaves)
Zach: Dad, what do you think he meant by the liquid being in substances? Do you think it might be all over Washington?
66: The way he said it, it sounded like only top officials would eat or drink it. Whatever it is.
Zach: Oh, Dad, that reminds me. Mom called.
Max: I’ll her call right now. (picks up phone and dials) Mrs. Smarts’ office, please. Hello, 99? Are you alright? (pause) Yes, we all heard it. Look, have you eaten yet? (pause) Good, don’t. Get down here if you can. Alright. Bye. (hangs up) Your mother’s on her way. Zach, I want you to check out every delicatessen in town and see if where their delivery boys headed was in or around Congress this afternoon. Max, I need you to check out the water company. See if anything’s been tampered with. 66, go over to the White House and see if the president’s eaten anything unusual, either this morning or afternoon.
Trio: Right! (they all leave)
Max: (on intercom) Trudi, notify me the minute my wife gets here. Oh and call Parker at the research lab and have him call me and update me on anything new.
Trudi: Do you want it in that order?
Trudi: Well, don’t you think it would be more productive to call Dr. Parker FIRST and then notify you when your wife gets here?
Max: (rubs the bridge of his nose) Yes, Trudi, I suppose that would work.
A couple minutes later, Max and 99 are waiting in the office for a report on the day’s crisis. Zach is the first one to walk in, followed by Maxine and 66.
Zach: Well, Pop, the whole deli idea is a wash out. At least two Congress officials went to the popular delis around the building: Shumen’s, The Piping Hot Deli, and The Sands. I asked the guys at all three delis if anyone suspicious was hanging around the kitchen and they said no.
Max: Hmmm. Max, how’d it go at the water company?
Maxine: Zilch. They heard the announcement too, and made sure NO ONE except for workers would be or were in the office or near water lines.
66: Well, I have worse news. I wasn’t able to talk to the president because he is resting soundly, due to a case of the flu.
Zach: Great! The leader of our country is laying in bed, due this KAOS plot. You know what’s gonna happen when the American people hear this? Hmm? They’re gonna go crazy.
99: But there must be something we can do.
Max: I sent Parker out. (thinking) Like awhile ago. (on intercom) Trudi, did you call Parker at the research lab?
Trudi: I tried, sir, but everyone has been sent home.
Max: Sent home? Why?
Trudi: No one was feeling well.
Max: Great! Thanks, Trudi.
Maxine: Oh no! That’s means everyone at the research lab is home sick! Dad, I’m gonna go and see if Austin’s alright.
Max: No, Max. Just in case he DOES have the flu, I don’t want you to get sick. You can call him from downstairs.
Zach: Downstairs? Are we going downstairs?
Max: No, your sister is. You and 66 are staying up here.
Maxine: What am I gonna do downstairs?
Max: I’ll tell you in a minute. Zach, are you SURE those three delis you mentioned are the only ones in the vicinity of the Congress building?
Zach: I checked them all, Dad, except…(pauses, then snaps his fingers) Monroe’s Deli! It’s right next door!
99: Is that the little deli on the corner?
Zach: That’s the one!
66: What’s so special about that particular deli?
99: It’s only been in business for a week.
Max: Coincidence that it opens the same time that flu virus was discovered? I think not.
Zach: So you want me to go down and check it out?
Max: No, I want Agent 22 to go down and stake it out. I want you to go and find out if any member of Congress has been there in the last two hours.
Maxine: So you want me to go downstairs and check out Monroe in the KAOS files?
Max: Yes and make sure you cross reference him with any aliases.
66: So…what am I doing?
Max: Glad you asked. You get to go BACK to the White House and make sure that everything is peachy keen on the inside and normal on the outside.
66: What if I can’t get in to see if everything is peachy on the inside?
Max: Do what you would normally do.
Zach: Karate chop the guards and tie them up?
Maxine: Use an elaborate smoke screen to confuse the guards and then sneak in?
Max: No! Break in.
Trio: (nodding) Oh!
Max: Well, get going. (the trio leaves) 99, somehow, Monroe’s deli MUST have something to do with this flu epidemic.
99: Well, Max, how can you be sure?
Max: It’s very simple, 99. The deli’s convenient to the Congress building, its arrival coincides with KAOS’ plans with that flu virus, and the number one thing that absolutely, UNDOUBTLY convinces me that Monroe’s Deli is tied into this.
99: What’s that, Max?
Max: A lack of suspects.
Suddenly, the phone rings.
Max: 99, get that for me. I don’t want to talk to anyone unless it’s important.
99: (picks up phone) Hello? Yes, Max, he’s here, but he doesn’t really want to talk to anyone. (pauses) Really. (to Max) Max just found a KAOS file on a Theodore Monroe. (on phone) Yes, Max. Hmmm. Yes, there is Senator by that name, but I highly doubt that he’s connected in this. His son, maybe? (another pause) Alright. Bye. (hangs up)
Max: What was that about?
99: Max found that file on Monroe. It seems that Monroe is a former government scientist who defected to KAOS a couple of years ago. (thinking) She was wondering if John Monroe, the senator from New York, might be a relation.
Max: Do you think he is?
99: I don’t know. I really don’t know him well.
Max: (smailing) How would you like to start?
99: What do you mean?
Max: I need you to find out if he has a son named Ted. If you don’t mind.
99: Of course not. (starts to leave) Of course you know that means I’ll have to spend more time with Senator Monroe.
Max: Don’t spend too much time with him. I’d like to see you at home once in awhile.
99: (standing by the door) Speaking of which, are you going to be home late tonight?
Max: Probably not. It really depends on how the rest of the day goes. Why?
99: You mind bringing dinner home?
Max: No. Feel like anything special?
99: Surprise me. (smiles and leaves)
The rest of the day went smoothly enough. Zach reported that the majority of the Congress members didn’t leave their office and that they had their lunches delivered. Maxine came back up to report that Monroe was a prominent member of the KAOS high command and 66 came back with the news that the president seemed to be fine and so far, they were the only ones to know of his ailment. With the rest of the day being pretty slow, Max sent everyone home, picked up Chinese on the way, and went home himself.
The next day saw CONTROL headquarters a little quieter than usual. Max and 99 came late, only to realize they were the first ones in the office. Walking in after them was Zach, who had gone down to the CONTROL
deli and picked up a couple of bagels. 66 and Max both came from downstairs in the records department. Max noticed the box of tissues in Maxine’s hand as she walked over to the water cooler.
Max: Max. Are those tissues?
Maxine: You mean in the box?
Maxine: In my hand?
Maxine: (walks to desk and puts box down) Don’t worry, Daddy. I’m not sick. Everyone in records is, but I’m not. I brought these up just in case.
Max: You haven’t seen Parker, have you?
Maxine just stands there, looking at the ceiling.
Maxine: Well, he sounded so sickly on the phone yesterday, so I went over and brought him a bowl of chicken soup. But believe me, I do NOT have the flu.
The scene then shifts to the Smart house, where Maxine and Parker are slumped on the couch.
Maxine: Austin, how could you give me the flu!
99 is standing over the two and hands Maxine a thermometer.
Parker: Well, you’re the who insisted on coming in last night! I told you I was sick, but no! “Come on, Austin. Let’s play doctor.”
Maxine looks at Parker, sternly.
Maxine: Austin…(looks at him, then motions to 99, then looks back at him)
Parker: I don’t care! (slumps his head over on to the arm) I’m achy. (pauses) This is a very comfortable couch.
99: Thank you, Parker. (takes thermometer out of Max’s mouth) Well, you’re definitely not going to work today.
Maxine: But, Mom, I have to do the thing that I’m employed to do.
99: Not with a temperature of 105, you’re not. Why don’t you and Parker stay here and find something fun to do?
Parker: (head buried in the arm pillow of couch) Finding something fun to do is what got her sick in the first place.
Max looks at Parker, angrily.
Maxine: Just so you know, I am NOT good company when I’m sick.
99: When have you ever been?
Maxine: (to 99) You’re not very encouraging, are you, Mom?
SETTING: Back at CONTROL headquarters, the phones were once again ringing off the hook. Max sat at his desk, head resting in his hand, as the President angrily talked to him. Zach was balancing two calls; one from Maxine at home and another from one of the Senators in Congress, who wanted an explanation on why half of Congress was at home with the flu. 66 sat in the corner talking to several different Majors and Admirals from all four US defense forces.
Max: Yes, Mr. President, I’m aware of that. Yes, we’re looking into it as we speak. Thank you, sir. Hope you get well. (pauses) I don’t think that’s very nice, sir. (hangs up, then puts his head on the desk)
Zach: (hanging up both phones) Okay, here’s the low down. Both Max and Austin are sick and half of Congress is sick. Everybody wants CONTROL to find and stop this virus. The only problem is, WE DON’T KNOW WHO’S DOING IT!
66: You know what I think? I think that Monroe’s Deli has something to do with this.
Max: I have the same feeling, 66. Look, I want you and Zach to go down there and talk to 22. Maybe he’s seen something or heard something.
Zach: Good idea, Dad. Say, Pop, why don’t you go home or something? You look awfully tired. You should get some rest.
Max: With your sister at home? No thank you! I’d rather spend my days here. I probably won’t be going back home until she’s better.
Zach and 66 leave and go down to Monroe’s Deli. Outside the deli, across the street, is a mailbox. Zach walks over to it, with 66 behind him. Zach gives the secret knock and soon a voice is heard.
22: (inside the mailbox)Put a letter in my lid.
22: Put a letter in my lid!
Zach: 22, open the door.
22: Not ’til you put a letter in my lid.
Zach: I’m going to put a bullet in your box if you don’t open this door!
22: (opening lid) I shouldn’t even have come out here. What do you want?
66: What have you found out about the deli across the street?
22: They have the WORST cappuccinos in town!
Zach: She means information-wise, dummy!
22: Don’t call me a dummy, you jerk!
22: Teacher’s pet!
66: Boys, boys! (they stop) Hold it. We are up against a very clever man. The world and its leaders are going to be destroyed. This is no time for NAME-CALLING! Now, both of you. Say you’re sorry. 22.
22: I’m sorry.
Zach: Yeah, yeah. Sorry.
66: Good. Now what information do you have for us, 22?
22: I’ve always liked you, 66. You’re kind and sweet. Unlike SOME member of Team Smart. (looks at Zach)
66: Thank you, 22.
Zach: (annoyed) Do you or do you NOT have anything to report?
22: Yes, I do. You wouldn’t believe how popular this place has gotten.
66: Why do you say that?
22: Well, with all the other senators and congress members who went to other delis, everyone is assuming that the other delis are the problem, so everyone’s coming here.
66: Is that a connection?
22: I think so. So far, a couple congress members who’ve been here, have gotten sick, too.
Zach: Hmmm, good work, 22.
22: Who’s the dummy now, Smart?
Zach: Look, I said I was sorry.
22: You always think you’re better than me, that I’M the inept one.
Zach: I never said you were inept, 22.
22: I can read between the lines, you know.
66: Guys! 22, stay on this guy Monroe, okay? (to Zach) Come on, Zach, I wanna check back at CONTROL to see if anything’s happened.
Before going back to CONTROL, Zach and 66 dropped by the Smart house to see how Parker and Max were. Assured they were cranky, but fine, the two went back to CONTROL. At CONTROL, Max had some bad news.
Zach: What’s up, Pop?
Max: I just received a message from that anonymous KAOS agent. He said if we don’t give him a million dollars, he’s threatening to put that flu liquid in the water supply.
66: That means that Washington is under the gun. (coughs)
Max: Oh no.
66: Now, wait, Chief. I’m not sick. That was just a clearing-my-throat-cough.
Max: If you’ve been in contact with Max or Parker, I want you to go home.
Zach: But, Dad, who’s going to solve this case?
Max: Who else, but me.
Despite whinny protest from both Zach and 66, Max sent them to the Smart house and called 99 at work.
Max: 99? What did you find out about Senator Monroe?
99: He’s a jerk.
Max: I mean, besides that.
99: He’s cheap.
Max: 99, please. I’m the only one on this case now after sending Zach and 66 home.
99: Oh no! Oh, Max, I’m sorry. It turns out that Ted Monroe IS the son of the senator, but they haven’t spoken since Ted left his government job to work for KAOS.
Max: I knew it! I knew he was involved in this!
99: And listen to this. I called his wife today and she says that Monroe got a call the night before that flu liquid was delivered to Washington and guess who it was delivered to.
Max: 99, how would like to go to Monroe’s Deli tonight?
99: Be happy to.
Max left work and waited for 99 across the street, in front of 22’s mailbox. 99 came out and walked over to where Max was.
Max: (to 99) I’m going to contact 22. (knocks on mailbox)
22: (inside) If this is Smart, I’m on a break.
Max: Open up, 22.
22: (opening lid) Oh, hi Chief. Hi, Mrs. Smart. What’s up?
Max: Have you found out anything else on the deli?
22: Yes. Their turkey sandwiches are the best.
Max: 22, what are you talking about? What information do you have?
22: I don’t like being a spy in mailbox.
99: 22, this is important!
22: You’re right. I think I found something.
22: Monroe is definitely up to something.
99: How do you know?
Max: Yeah, 22. You’re stuck in a mailbox.
22: (sarcastically) Don’t I know it. Monroe came by here earlier and dropped a letter in.
Max: Did you read it?
22: Of course I read it.
99: 22! Reading another person’s mail is bad enough, but tampering with the United States Postal Service is illegal!
Max: 99, I know that. But sometimes, you have to break the rules to get what you want.
99: Max, you know what this means, don’t you?
Max: No, what?
99: I’ll have to turn you in.
99: It’s illegal to steal mail! Everyone knows that!
Max: (looks at 99, then to 22) 22, what did that letter say?
22: It’s going to KAOS high command. It says in part that the whole flu thing is a success and that more shipments are required from their base in the Sahara.
99: The Sahara? Who’s making this stuff?
22: None other then Dr. Jonathon Reid.
Max & 99: Dr. Jonathon Reid!
22: Yep. KAOS’ most deadliest scientist.
Max: Of course! I wish I had thought of that sooner.
22: When I was taking a bit of a breather, I saw Franz Sheddler go in the deli.
99: Franz Sheddler?
Max: KAOS’ number one killer of the year. He’s the guy who took out Hans Schticker out of the running.
99: Sheddler had more votes?
Max: No. Sheddler just killed him. (to 22) 22, I want you to call the president and ask if he’ll be nice enough to send in reinforcements. (to 99) Let’s get in that deli.
Max and 99 head across the street to the deli. Even though there’s a closed sign in the window, when Max tried the door, it opened.
Max: I don’t like the looks of this, 99.
99: Either do I.
They continue inside and close the door quietly. They make their way to the back of the store when a bright light comes on and they hear the sound of a gun cocking.
Monroe: Mr. and Mrs. Smart. (Max and 99 turn around) What a pleasant surprise. Suppose you tell me what you’re doing here.
Monroe: Let me help you. The two of you got off work and wanted a bite to eat at my little restaurant.
Max: Hey, that’s really good. I’ll buy that.
Monroe: What kind of fool do you two think I am?
99: An average, everyday, run of the mill type fool?
Max: A dancing fool?
Monroe: If you’ll just go back to that back office behind you, we’ll get this over with. Ladies first, Mrs. Smart.
99: (annoyed) Ladies first.
The three of them walk to the back office on the right. Max is told to open the door and they walk in. Monroe closes the door behind them. In front of Max and 99 is a table with some lab equipment on it.
99: Suppose you tell us what that lab equipment on the desk is for?
Monroe: (goes to the desk) It’s very simple, really. I’m just making more.
Max: I thought you were sending out for more.
Monroe: Really, Mr. Smart. You do know it’s against federal law to steal other people’s mail.
99: (to Max) See? Told you.
Monroe: I’m not sending out for more, really. I just hired Dr. Reid to come down and make a lot of the flu liquid. (Max and 99 look at each other) That note was merely a decoy.
Max: Well, Monroe, that’s a nice little plan you got there. Giving the world a highly contagious flu just to take over the world.
Monroe: Thank you, sir.
Max: Too bad we found out about it.
Monroe: Too bad for you, Smart. Now I’m gonna kill you.
Max: Well, I knew it too bad for somebody.
Monroe: You see, (holding up a vial of liquid) the cool thing about this liquid is that it kills after a week.
99: That’s why you’re not making any high demands! You won’t need to.
Monroe: Smart wife, Smart.
Max: I know. That’s why I married her. That’s why her last name’s Smart.
Monroe: You have your choice. (holding the vial in his left hand) I can poison you with a fast acting flu or (holds up gun with right hand) I can shoot you.
Max: What are the other options?
Monroe: (laughs) There are no other options.
99: I don’t like those options.
Max: Either do I, 99. (to Monroe) I demand better options.
Monroe: Tough luck. (points gun at Max) Goodbye, Mr. Smart.
Just then, the window behind Monroe breaks and Monroe gasps and falls to the ground. The Smarts look up and see Zach through the window, clutching a tissue in one hand and a gun with a silencer in the other.
99: You should be at home.
Zach: (looks at his mother) I just saved you from being shot and killed!
99: It doesn’t matter. You’re contagious and should be at home. (Zach just looks at the camera)
SETTING: The Smart home. Fully recovered, Zach, 66, Maxine, and Parker decide to go over to the house and drop off some of the files on Monroe and the whole flu thing.
Zach: (opening door) I’m really glad you were able to make an antidote for that flu, Parker.
Parker: Thank you, Zach. You see, once I found out what the flu liquid was made off, it was easy for me to concoct an antidote.
Maxine: (calling upstairs) Mom? Dad? (to the group) Know way they’re still asleep.
The four of them go upstairs to the Smarts bedroom and knock on the door. When no one answers, Maxine opens it.
Maxine: Mom? Dad?
Max and 99 were still in bed, asleep. Zach, Maxine, 66, and Parker went over to wake them.
Zach: Mom, Dad, are you guys going to work?
99: (opening one eye, then closes it) I don’t think so, Zach.
Maxine: (touching 99’s forehead) You’re burning up!
Parker: Oh no! Your parents must have caught our flu!
Zach: Don’t worry. We’ll take of you.
Max: (coming from under his pillow) Oh no, Zach! Don’t do that! We’re fine, really.
Maxine: No, Zach is right. We’ll take care of you. Where’s that thing?
99: What thing?
Maxine: That thing that goes in your mouth and takes your temperature.
Max: A thermometer?
Maxine: That’s it!
99: Really, guys. I think we’ll be a lot safer…if you ALL go to work.
Zach: But with Dad here, who’s gonna be Chief? (Zach thinks a minute) Well, I guess we should go.
Zach: I’ve got chiefly things to do. (leaves)
66, Parker, & Maxine: What!
The three follow Zach out the door, arguing why he gets to be chief. The closing music is sounding in the background.
THE NEW CLOSING CREDITS!!!!!