Max & Conrad’s Big Adventure
Setting: The Louver, the most famous art museum in the world. Standing in front of the famous Mona Lisa, two men observe the famous painting.
Man #1: The Mona Lisa, Chester. One of the most famous and acclaimed painting of all time.
Chester: It’s a wonderful piece, Mr. Angelo. Are we going to take it?
Angelo: Unfortunately, my boy, the Mona Lisa isn’t for our taking tonight.
Voice: Alright, Angelo, hold it!
Angelo: [to Chester] I think our capture has just arrived. [turns around] Good evening, Mr. Smart. We were wondering when you’d show up.
Holding a gun, was agent 78 of CONTROL, Zachary Smart. Zach had been following Angelo since he left the United States.
Zach: Shut your cake hole. I’ve been following you since you left New York. For a while, I thought I was on a wild goose chase, thought about going home, until I saw you sneak in here. Then I knew what you were up to.
Angelo: [laughing] You have no idea what we plan to do, Mr. Smart.
Zach: Don’t tell me you’re not here to steal the famed and beautiful Mona Lisa and replace her with tired and copied fake.
Angelo: Actually, Mr. Smart, we’re not.
Zach: [annoyed] I asked you not to tell me that. If you’re not here for that, what are you here for?
Just then, Zach was hit with a black jack and the blackness was instantaneous.
Angelo: We’re here for you, dear boy. [to men] Take him away. [men pick up Zach] Make sure our personal plane is ready for take off. We have another stop in the states.
Chester: We’re picking up something else?
Angelo: Someone else, Chester.
The scene changes to a room with lots of cabinets. Inside, a man in black starts to search for a certain cabinet. Suddenly, the lights are turned on and standing behind the man was Conrad Siegfried, Jr., the head of the evil organization KAOS.
Junior: Looking for something? [raises gun]
Man: [turns around] Actually, Mr. Siegfried, I was looking for you.
Junior: [sarcastically] Is that so? Well, friend, you’ve found me. Unfortunately for you, CONTROL will never find you.
Man: I do not work for CONTROL, Heir Siegfried.
Junior: You don’t? Well, for your sake, you better not be one of my guys.
Man: Rest assured, I’m not. But I do have a message for you.
Junior: Yeah? And what’s that?
The man holds up a small silver ball. He lets Junior look at it for a while, before he throws it down on the floor. Suddenly, the room is filled with smoke. Only too late did Junior realize it was nerve gas. He soon dropped his gun and passed out. The man soon emerged wearing a gas mask.
Man: Goodnight, Heir Siegfried.
He found Junior, picked him up, and carried him out the door!
THE OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!
Setting: CONTROL headquarters. In the office of Chief Maxwell Smart, the Smarts paced up and down the office.
Max: He should’ve reported in by now.
Maxine: Zach’s never late about reporting. [pause] Unless something happened.
Max and 99 stopped in their tracks and looked at Maxine.
Maxine: Sorry. [the group continues to pace]
Max: I don’t understand it. Even if Zach is in his worst situation, he always reports in.
Just then, Agent 66 came in the office to report what she had found.
66: The last place the guys can pick Zach up is at the Louver. Agent 89 saw him go in, but not come out.
Maxine: Great. That puts us back to square one.
Max: Not necessarily. We know Zach was following Michael Angelo from New York.
66: Who is Michael Angelo, Chief?
Max: Well…as of late, he was KAOS’ s top forger. Forged everything; checks, bonds, lotteries…
Maxine: He forged lotteries?
Max: The tickets. His specialty was paintings.
99: Why of late was he KAOS’ s top forger?
Max: Well…rumor has it, he’s defected.
66: But why?
Max: [sarcastically] Well, if I knew that, 66, I would tell you.
The phone starts to ring and 99 goes over and answers.
99: CONTROL headquarters, Chief’s office. [pause][looks at Max] He’s here. Hold on. [to Max] You’ll never guess who this is. [hands Max the phone]
Max: [on phone] Hello? [pause] What? Now, wait a minute…Conrad, will you listen to me… [pause] He is? That’s odd. [pause] Because Zachary’s missing as well. Are you sure you didn’t…? [pause] Alright, alright. I’m sorry. Look, there’s gotta be some explanation to all this. [looks at watch] Sure. In about a half and hour. [pause] Only if you are. Goodbye. [hangs up]
Maxine: Who was that?
99: Senior. [to Max] What did he want, Max?
Max: It seems that Junior is missing as well.
66: A likely story! They’ve probably got Zach and are just waiting to get you.
Max: [getting jacket] I thought of that.
99: Where’re you going?
Max: I told Siegfried I’d met him in a half and hour. [straightening tie] [looks at 99] Alone.
99: Max, you can’t! Siegfried’s a ruthless, heartless, cunning individual who would only love to you go out alone and be killed!
Max: Everyone has their little faults, 99.
99: Max, I won’t let you go alone.
Max: Don’t worry, 99. I have a plan. Siegfried’ll think I’m there alone, when he’ll be the one alone.
66: You’ve got a plan?
Max: Do I have a plan? Of course, I have a plan! [pause] Just give me a minute to think of it.
A short time later, Max stood pacing in front of a bench in the park. From a bush overlooking the bench, the girls could see everything that Max was doing.
66: I wish he’d stop pacing like that. He’s going to get people’s suspicions up.
Maxine took out a walkie-talkie.
Maxine: This is 24 calling 86. Come in, 86.
Max stopped his pacing when he heard the call. He put his hand to his ear, looked around to see if anyone was coming, then turned around. He took his tie from his vest and started to talk into it.
Max: This is 86 calling 24. What’s up, Max?
Maxine: Will you please stop pacing? It’s making you look suspicious.
Max: [seeing woman looking at him] And talking into my tie isn’t? [to woman] Do you mind? This is private call. [turns back around] You girls can’t see Siegfried anywhere, do you?
Maxine: Not yet, Daddy. We’ve been here for about 20 minutes already. I don’t think he’s coming.
Max: It would just be like Conrad to stand me up. Well, give him five more minutes, then we leave. [puts tie back]
Max looked around one more time and decided to sit down. Soon, an elderly woman sat down next to him.
Max: Excuse me, ma’am, but that seat’s taken.
Siegfried: Shut up, Schmart! It’s me.
Max: [looks at Siegfried] You never did make an attractive woman.
Siegfried: Do you really think I’d just walk out of KAOS high command and come straight here? I mean, really, Schmart! What kind of fool do you take me for?
Max: [sarcastically] Want me to list all the reasons?
Siegfried: I didn’t come here to be insulted, Smart. Keep this up and I’m leaving!
Max: Alright, alright. You don’t have to get upset. Tell me what happened to Junior.
Siegfried: That’s just it, Smart, I don’t know. As I understand it, there was a report of a mysterious person in the record hall, where KAOS keeps all its secrets. My guess is, Conrad went to check it out and now he’s gone. [pause] Are you sure you didn’t…?
Max: We didn’t, I swear. The only thing I had an agent on was Michael Angelo.
Siegfried: Angelo? But he’s not with KAOS.
Max: Well, that’s what I heard, but it was just a rumor.
Siegfried: Hardly. We found out he was a double agent. And you know what KAOS does to double agents.
Max: Yes. They’re fired, discharged, and even sometimes shot at dawn.
Siegfried: [appalled] Maxwell, we don’t that anymore. That’s so barbaric. [pause] We do it in the afternoon now.
Max: Conrad, I have a thought. What if Michael Angelo kidnapped both boys and is holding them for ransom?
Siegfried: That could make sense, Smart…but why would Angelo kidnap your son?
Max: [pause] I have an alternate thought.
Siegfried: Wait a minute, Maxwell. What if you’re right?
Max: Then we could be in a lot of trouble.
The scene changes to a lighthouse near the beach. Inside the lighthouse, tied to chairs, sat Zachary Smart and Conrad Siegfried, Jr. Soon, Angelo entered with a tray of food. He placed the food on the floor in front of the two men.
Angelo: I hope you enjoy your surroundings, gentlemen. You’ll be here for a while.
Junior: Just what’re you up to, Angelo? You think kidnapping us is going to free you? Give you some time? Don’t bet on it.
Zach: Yeah. Our dads are on the way as we speak.
Zach: [surprised] Excuse me?
Junior: You’re happy about this?
Zach: You haven’t done this a lot, have you? You see, when I say, “our dads are on the way as we speak.” You say, “I doubt that very much, Mr. Smart.” Then I say, “Well, there’s no hope for you because…” Then I go into the whole spiel about would you believe this many people or what not are surrounding the building and you say you don’t believe it and I say, then would you believe…and we continue this little dialogue until you get totally frustrated by it and leave the room, saying how we’ll die or something like that. Then Conrad and I devise an extraordinary plan, escape, and put you under arrest. That’s…the way this goes.
Angelo: But I want your fathers here. It makes it much easier to get rid of them. [Zach and Junior look at each other]
Setting: CONTROL headquarters, the Chief’s office. 66 and Maxine were waiting for Max to come back into the office. Upon his return, the girls rushed to him.
Max: Angelo and his henchmen were seen in both places Zach and Junior disappeared.
66: So Angelo’s our man? Well, what’re we standing here for? Let’s go get him.
Max: Wait a minute, 66. You have no idea what Angelo’s capable of.
66: Chief, my partner could be in a lot of trouble.
Max: [sarcastically] I’m aware of that, thank you. First, we have to find out where he is and secondly, we have to get a plan. We can’t just go walking in there and demand Zach back.
66: Why not?
Maxine: Cause that would be silly.
66: It could work.
Just then, another agent entered with news on the whereabouts of Zach and Junior.
Agent: Chief, this just in. We got a report from Agent 22 that Angelo and his men are held up at the lighthouse near the beach.
Max: Hmm…that’s an odd place to be. [to agent] Any word on why they’re there?
Agent: 22 said they were just hiding out.
Max: Thanks. [agent leaves]
Maxine: I didn’t know Agent 22 was staked out at the beach.
Max: He’s not.
66: Then how did…
Max: He’s staked out on the boat that just docked there. [pause] You could say 22’s ship finally came in. [laughs] [stops] Sorry.
Maxine: Dad, do you want us to check out that lighthouse?
Max: No, I’ll do it. I’ll go down tonight. Give me five minutes to get there, then I want you to call Siegfried.
66: Chief, are you serious? I still maintain this is some plot against you concocted by Junior and his father. You just can’t trust him.
Max: I just can’t take the chance of leaving Zach there.
Maxine: Then let us go, Dad.
Max: No. You stay here. I want both of you here, just in case. I want the file for Angelo looked over thoroughly. Find out if he’s really defected KAOS and if he has, find out what he’s up to.
66: Where are you going?
Max: To see my wife. The one person I need to stay out of this is her.
99: No, Max. I won’t let you do it!
In 99’s office, Max has just told her of his plan to check out the lighthouse.
Max: 99, it could just be a red herring. I don’t even know if Angelo has Zach, more or less keeping him at the lighthouse.
99: Max, this is too dangerous for you to be going out by yourself.
Max: I won’t go by myself. I’ve got…I’ve got my gun to protect me.
99: [putting her arms around his neck] All the bullets in the world can’t protect you from an army of KAOS agents or a nuclear missile or a…
Max: You’re not good at encouraging, are you? Look, 99, I’ll be okay. I’ll fine, but if it makes you happy, I have Agent 22 staked out on a ship close by.
99: How is that helpful?
Max: [sarcastically] Please, 99, I don’t think I can take any more encouragement. Look, if you let me go, I promise I’ll call you the minute I get there.
99: And if anything goes wrong?
Max: And if anything goes wrong.
99: And if you get captured?
Max: And if I get captured.
99: And if you get tortured?
Max: And if I get…[looks at 99] Would you like to come, 99?
99: [smiling] I thought you’d never ask.
Max: [smiling] Well, I…[thinks about it] Wait a minute! Absolutely not. Forget it. Don’t worry, darling, I’ll be alright. And I’ll find Zach. You can count on it. [goes to door]
99: Alright. Be careful, love.
Max: I will.
Max goes to open the door and it hits him in the face. He winces in pain for a while, then leaves. Night comes quickly and we find Max’s car in the parking lot of the beach. The camera does a long shot and we see a figure on the beach nearing the lighthouse. Upon closer inspection, we see it’s Max.
He looks up at the house, then looks around for any sign of life. Nothing. He slowly creeps around to find the door. He stops when he hears voices and waits until they leave. As he stands there, he’s startled by someone’s hand on his shoulder. He turns and sees Siegfried standing behind.
Siegfried: What’s going on?
Max: [sarcastically] Oh nothing. I’m just having a mild heart attack, thank you!
Siegfried: Shh! Agent 66 called and told me you were here. [looking up at house] You think they’re here?
Max: I had an agent staked out on one of the docking ships. He definitely saw Angelo and his cohorts hiding out here. The boys have to be here.
Siegfried: Alright. How do we get in?
Max: [annoyed] How do we get in? How do we get in? This is why I’m head of CONTROL and you’re the head of KAOS.
Siegfried: So you have a plan?
Max: [annoyed] Do I have a…you know, Siegfried, you never stop to amaze me. Do you think I’d bring us all the way out here, facing certain danger, and within a close inch of our lives without a plan?
Chester: Freeze Smart!
Chester and a couple of other men were standing all around Max and Siegfried.
Siegfried: [whispering to Max] Well, Smart? What’s your plan?
Max: This is it.
Max: You wanted me to think of a plan that would get us in the lighthouse, this is it. This is a perfect way of getting into the lighthouse.
Siegfried: [angered] What kind of moron would think of a plan like this?!
Max: If you were any kind of an enemy, Siegfried, you’d pretend that I planned it this way and you should be congratulating me for getting us in.
Siegfried: [to men] If we have to die…[points to Max] Kill him first.
Setting: The lighthouse. Inside, Max and Siegfried had now joined their sons, tied to chairs and facing the mastermind behind this plot, Michael Angelo.
Max: I hope I don’t seem out of line, Angelo, but just what do you think you’re doing?
Angelo: [smiling] Gloating.
Max: [annoyed] I mean besides that.
Siegfried: Angelo, what’re you thinking? If this is some little joke, I’m not laughing.
Angelo: This is a master plan, Siegfried. This is to get back at you and KAOS for discharging me.
Siegfried: [to Junior] See, Junior? I told you afternoon shootings wouldn’t work.
Zach: So how does kidnapping the Chief of CONTROL and his cracker jack, superior beacon of knowledge son have to do with this?
Angelo: I was a model KAOS spy. I just wanted a little extra money, that’s all. KAOS high command found out and I was fired. So, I thought of ways to get back at them. I even had the thought of joining CONTROL at one point.
Junior: You are crazy.
Angelo: Then, I had the best of all ideas. Why work for some other higher power when I could be the higher power? Then I had this idea of destroying KAOS, then I would lead it. But then I thought about CONTROL. As long as there was a KAOS, there would always be a CONTROL, so I decided to rid both.
Zach: I still don’t see the connection. If you wanted to get the high powers of both CONTROL and KAOS, why kidnap Junior and me?
Angelo: My kidnapping you was all part of the plan. [to Max and Siegfried] Just as you came loyally after your sons, so will your organizations and government come loyally after you.
The scene changes to Max’s office. 99 paced up and down the office along with Dr. Austin Parker, head of the lab section. 66 sat the computer, looking at the Angelo file, while Maxine watched Parker and 99 pace.
99: I don’t like it. They should’ve been back by now.
66: I agree. [standing up] Let’s go get them.
Parker: Whoa, wait a minute! [66 stops] We can’t just go and take off! We have to have a plan.
66: I have a plan. [heads for door, but is stopped by Parker] Parker, I’ve got a plan!
Maxine: I agree with 66. We can’t just stay here.
99: But Parker’s right. We can’t just go and charge after them.
66: Okay. Anyone have a plan? [no answer] I have a plan.
Parker: What’s your plan?
66: We leave here, go to the lighthouse, bust in, take no prisoners, and rescue Zach and the Chief.
Parker: [sarcastically] That’s a great plan, Rambo. What happens if we get caught?
66: Then we’ll take prisoners. Look, it’s really the only plan we have, you know.
Maxine: There’s something not right about this.
Parker: I agree. [to 66] What did you find out about Angelo?
66: He’s a defector. He was turning KAOS secrets over to our and some other governments and got caught. He was fired.
Maxine: Okay, okay. Maybe this is some revenge thing, right? Angelo kidnaps Junior to get to Siegfried to get to KAOS.
Parker: Okay. Then why kidnap the Chief and your brother?
Maxine: [pause] I have an alternate thought.
99: Hey wait! That makes sense. Your father and I were in something like this. Fang was kidnapped and Max and I went to go get him, thus falling into this KAOS trap. Because we had gone after Fang, it was more than likely the Chief would come after us.
Parker: Well, maybe that’s it then. Angelo kidnaps Zach and Junior to get to the Chief and Siegfried…
Maxine: …Dad and Siegfried of course, go after them and are kidnapped.
66: And now Angelo’s just waiting for us to come and get them back. [pause] Hmm, I guess my plan had a little flaw in it.
99: That all makes sense, but why? Why go to all that trouble?
Maxine: That’s right. All that does is invite more people into your secret hideout and I really doubt that lighthouse can hold a lot of people.
66: So what now? It stands to reason that if any of us goes, we’ll only be playing into Angelo’s plan.
Maxine: There’s got to be something to this. It stands to reason to get rid of KAOS, but why CONTROL? Without KAOS, there is no CONTROL.
99: [snaps her fingers] That’s it!
Maxine: Of course. [stops and thinks] [rushes over to 99] That’s it!? What…what was it?
99: What you just said. Without KAOS, there’s no CONTROL. What if that’s his plan?
66: Of course! Get rid of both of organizations!
Parker: To start his own? Wait a minute, girls. Do you know what that means? That would create this anti-organization.
Maxine: We’ll all be out of jobs.
Parker: It’s more than that, Maxi. I mean, no doubt, Angelo can’t destroy ALL of KAOS and CONTROL, but if he gets to just a small fraction…
66: Which includes the Chief and head of agents…
99: We could have a third organization on our hands. We couldn’t even dream of combating another evil force.
Maxine: And no way could KAOS battle another good force. We have to stop this guy, but how?
Parker: Whatever we do, Maxine, has to be thought out to the tiniest of details. One false move and we’re all captured.
Maxine: Well…[looks at watch] Let’s give them another hour.
66: Another hour? They could be dead by then.
Maxine: I strongly doubt it, Trace. He needs all four guys to be alive in order for this to work. Then again, it gives us time to really think about what we’re gonna do.
66: I suggest we get all the help we can get.
Meanwhile, back in the lighthouse, Zach is trying desperately to get lose of his bonds.
Max: It’s no use, Zachary. Angelo’s really got us in a bind.
Zach: Pop, what’re we going to do? Surely the rest of the gang has figured out Angelo’s plan. There’s no way they’ll risk coming here.
Siegfried: No one loyal in your organization, Smart? I find that hard to believe.
Angelo: [walking in] So do I.
Max: Just goes to show you, CONTROL can be just as unloyal as the next organization.
Angelo: Just so you know, Heir Siegfried, I just killed two of your agents trying to save you.
Junior: Who were they?
Angelo: Danker and Strauss.
Junior: [pained look] I’m gonna have to change that Agent of the Year award.
Angelo: I just patiently await the arrival of the rest of Team Smart.
Zach: Ha! Just so you know, Michael Angelo, Team Smart is a highly refined group of individuals, who by just saying the name, will spring forth and capture you and your men and rescue us.
Angelo: Really, Mr. Smart.
Angelo: Then I shall await their arrival. [leaves]
Zach: [pause] [crying] They’re not coming. [sniffs] Big unloyal traitors! See if I ever rescue them again!
Junior: Stop your whining, Smart. KAOS isn’t dumb enough to send just two agents after us. I didn’t build that company to what it is to have it only send out two agents.
The words, “An hour later” pass on the screen as the four men are still waiting for those extra KAOS men.
Junior: [angered] Dirty rotten buggers! I’ll teach them to just send in two men. When I get my hands…
Siegfried: Don’t worry about it, Junior. I’ll see to it that high command will teach you a lesson came Monday morning.
Max: [sarcastically] You KAOS guys are all heart.
Just then, through the window, came Agent 66. She was slightly out of breath from the climb, but at least she was there.
Zach: It’s 66! Look, everyone, it’s Agent 66! [to 66] What in hell took you so long?!
66: [sarcastically] It’s nice to see you, too, Zachary.
She quickly goes and starts untying the guys.
Max: 66, you have no idea how glad I am to see you. How’d you get in here?
66: Simple, Chief. I had Max distract the guards and then I used her grappling hook to climb up. I think I lost at least 5 pounds climbing up here.
Junior: A thousand thank yous, Miss 66. At least ONE organization here is loyal. [pause] If I wasn’t so mad, I’d be truly proud.
Angelo: [with gun] Not so fast, Smart! I underestimated you. I never thought anyone of you would escape.
Zach: I told you we would. I hate to be an “I told you so” person, but I did indeed tell you Junior and I would escape using extraordinary means and you didn’t believe me. I hate to say it, but I did tell you so. [to Junior] Didn’t I, Junior? I said we’d get out and he didn’t…
Junior: If you’re going to kill us, Angelo, let me make one last suggestion. [points to Zach] Kill him first.
Angelo: It didn’t have to be this way, but then again, life is not fair.
Siegfried: Before you kill us, Angelo, would you like to see a magic trick?
Angelo: That’s an odd last request, Heir Siegfried, but if your hobby is that important to you…
Siegfried slowly put up his hands and in a second, a dash of light hit Angelo in the eyes. Zach knocked the gun from his hands and Junior quickly picked it up. Angelo finally lost his balance and fell down the lighthouse stairs. The group looked over the railing at him.
Zach: That’s going to require a band-aid. A very large band-aid. [group moves away from railing] Well, Siegfried…Junior…good job. It looked bad for a while, but you know…life sometimes isn’t fair.
Junior: Well, thank you, Zachary. And on that note…[raises gun] hands up, please. All of you. Get over there.
Zach: You know all that stuff I said, about you being a nice, kind, understanding human being? I didn’t mean it.
Junior: You never called me those things!
Zach: Well, I was meaning to.
66: I can’t believe this! After I come in here and save your life, you’re going to kill me.
Siegfried: She’s right, Conrad. Fair is fair. [to Max] ‘Til we meet again, Smart. And of course, leave the spying to us. [both leave]
Max: Well, now that that’s over, we should see how Angelo is and rescue Max from those men down there.
66: Ah Chief, leave her alone. She hasn’t had this much fun since we staked out that navy ship a couple of months ago. [goes downstairs]
Zach and Max start to follow her, but then both men stop and let what 66 had said sink in. They both looked at each other. Then, they quickly ran downstairs, calling Maxine’s name.
THE END CREDITS TO GET SMART!!