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The Day Zach and Tracie got Married

 

 

Setting: A local night club. People were on the dance floor, getting down with their bad selves. At the bar, men were trying to pick up women, while the women were turning them down faster than Jenni Craig at an all you can eat buffet. In the back, behind a door marked “Outback”, was a little cafe. Inside, sitting at the only table in the room, were two men.

Man 1: So how do we get to him?

Man 2: Leave that to me. I assure you that CONTROL won’t be aware of our plans.

Man 1: And if they are?

Man 2: We’ll take care of it. First, I want to know how we’ll get to that Admiral.

Man 1: It’s all taken care of. Tomorrow afternoon, he’ll be giving a press conference to some reporters. When he comes through to go to his car, we nab him. Simple.

Man 2: I hope so. KAOS can’t afford any more screw ups, you know.

Man 1: I know, I know. I think we can handle this though. And if by chance CONTROL does get in our way, we’ll get rid of them.

The scene changes to the office of Chief Maxwell Smart of CONTROL. He and his wife, Agent 99,were standing at the desk, going over last minute wedding preparations.

99: Okay, so we’ve done the rehersal dinner, the wedding’s tomorrow afternoon. Maxine’s in charge of stuff, right?

Max: Yes and I’ve evern buffed up security. Stupid Thomas Hill. Why couldn’t he fallen for some nice KAOS girl?

Just then, the groom, Zachary Smart, walked in, all smiles. He kissed his mother on the cheek before sitting down in front of his father’s desk.

Zach: Good morning, my wonderful parents! How is the day for you?

99: It’s wonderful, Zach. I can see you’re certainly in a good mood.

Zach: [smiling] Not to boast or anything, but have you heard? I’m getting married tomorrow.

Max: Yes, Zachary, we know. You nervous?

Zach: Nervous? What’s there to be nervous about? Tomorrow morning, I’m standing in front of family and friends and telling the whole world how much I love Tracie Ann Lewis. I don’t think that’s any thing to be nervous about.

Max: Fair enough. I do hate to bother you, you know. With everything going on…

Zach: No problem, Pop. You said you needed to see me.

Max: I was just wondering if you wouldn’t terribly mind doing a stake out tonight. I know that’s probably the lastthing on your mind right now…

Zach: Dad, if you want me to do a stake out, I’ll do the stake out. No questions asked. What am I staking out?

Max: More like Whoyou’re staking out. A guy by the name of Collins, Richard Collins. [hands Zach a folder] He’s supposedly defecting from KAOS and I want to make sure he’s serious about this. But I’m only asking you this as a favor, Junior. If you don’t want to do this…

Zach: Dad, I already said I’d do it. Besides, I got a whole day to spend with Tracie before tomorrow.

Max: That’s right. I gave you the day off, didn’t I? I really am sorry about that, Junior.

Zach: Hey, it’ll give me something to do. Or something else to do, rather. I don’t mind, Pop, really. I’ll read this thing when I get home. Anything else?

Max: That’s it. [Zach starts to leave, but 99 stops him]

99: You know, tomorrow’s a big day for you, Zachary, and your father and I just wanted you to know how proud we are of you.

Zach: [blushing] Oh Mom…I know. You don’t have to get all mushy on me.

Max: Well, she’s right, Zachary. Your mother and I are very proud of your accomplishments and tomorrow is everything you’ve ever wanted all rolled up into one.

99: What we’re trying to say, Zachary, is that we love you very much and we’re so proud of you.

Zach: [outstretching arms] Quick, hug me, before I start to cry. [trio hug]

99: [crying] I can’t believe my little baby boy is getting married.

After a while, the three break apart and try to calm their nerves.

Zach: Okay, okay. Enough of that. [looking at his parents] I love you guys, okay? I got work to do. [kisses 99 on the cheek] I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Max: Be careful, Zachary.

Zach turns around to wave goodbye to his parents and runs smack into the automatic door.

Zach: I’m fine. You know this, right? [Max & 99 nod] I’m perfectly fine.

 

THE OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!

 

Setting: The local nightclub from earlier. Zach had read his file folder and discovered that the man known as Richard Collins was a frequent inhibitor of the club. He decided to start in the quietest place possible, the café in the back. He waded his way through the crowd on the floor and fell – literally- into the café.

Zach picked himself up, as though nothing happened. He then sat down at the only table and looked around for anyone suspicious. The was a drunk over in the corner, a woman dressed as a nurse standing over by the bar, the bartender was wearing a large Dr. Suess Cat in the Hat, hat, and there was a small boy drinking milk at the other end of the bar.

Zach: I’m going to be talking to every person in here.

Just then, two men came over and sat down at his table.

Zach: Excuse me, boys, but this is a private table.

Man 1: Are you Zachary Smart?

Zach: Who wants to know?

Man 2: Richard Collins.

Zach: What’re you? A ventriloquist act?

Man 1: We just want to talk to you, Mr. Smart.

Zach: I don’t talk to strangers. My mommy told me that before I left home today. I certainly can’t disappoint her. [starts to get up to leave]

Man 2: You’re not going anywhere, Smart!

The second man jabbed something in to Zach’s ribs cage and Zach cried out in pain. The man moved his hand to reveal a syringe in his hand. Zach plopped back down into his seat, holding his side.

Man 1: You’ve been injected with KAOS’ s new drug, Mr. Smart. You have 24 hours from this moment to continue your short life.

Zach: You big jerks! Don’t you know I’m getting married tomorrow!

Man 2: That’s a shame. Your wife will be a widow before she’s even a wife.

Zach lunged for the second man, but fell to the floor in immense pain.

Man 1: You’re no longer going to be a threat to us, Mr. Smart. It was certainly nice knowing you before the end. [both men laugh]

Zach starts to crawl to the door, but loses strength and passes out.

 


 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 


 

Setting: The Washington United Church. Max stood at the doorway, pacing. He hadn’t heard from Zach since yesterday morning. He kept looking at his watch and saw time was getting closer and closer to eleven o’clock. Everyone in the immediate reception had been at the church since about six in the morning. Everyone that is, except Zach. Max hoped he had just overslept or he was in his car and realized he had overslept and was rushing back to his apartment as he thought this. Just then, Dr. Austin Parker, the best man, came running up to him.

Max: Well?

Austin: He’s not at home, Chief. I must’ve waited there for like fifteen minutes! No sign of him!

Max: Oh no.

Austin: Chief, you don’t think…?

Max: What? [Austin looks at him] What? He’d what? Skip the…no. Not my son. Because if he did, he’d feel horrible, right?

Austin: Right.

Max: He’d regret it until the day he died, right?

Austin: Absolutely.

Max: [angry] And because we’d kill him, right?

Austin: No doubt. [thinking] Chief, maybe Zach ran into some trouble on that stake out.

Max: That’s what I’m thinking too. Listen, pick out four or five agents to just go down and take a look at that club I sent him to. Maybe he’s still there, but I don’t want you to leave. You need to help me calm…

Maxine: Daddy!

Max: …Maxine down. [turns to Maxine] How may I help you, sweetheart?

Maxine: [pointing at watch] Daddy, are you aware that it’s almost 9:30 in the morning?

Max: Yes…

Maxine: Where’s your only son?

Austin: Max, we’re looking for him as we speak. He may have had an accident or worse.

Max: Now, I never said that, Austin! [to Maxine] Though I am worried about your brother. Look, go upstairs and keep your mother and Tracie company.

Maxine: But I just came from there!

Max: [annoyed] Then go back up there! And take Austin with you.

Austin and Maxine begrudgingly go upstairs to see how Tracie and 99 are doing, while Max paces back and forth at the door. At ten o’clock, he gave up and joined everyone in Tracie’s dressing room.

Tracie: He’s not coming. He’s not coming. [starts to cry] He’s not coming!

99: Tracie, I’m sure he just…got tied up or something. [looks at Max]

Max: That’s right, Trace. I mean, anything could’ve happened…to…him…[trails off]

Maxine: [sarcastically] Way to be a motivational speaker, Dad.

Max: [annoyed] [to Maxine] Go find your brother. [Maxine leaves]

Todd: Sweetie, the Smarts are right. He’s just a little late, that’s all.

Maxine: [from doorway] Hey, Zach just came in!

Todd: Well, it’s about time!

99: Where is he?

Maxine: He’s in his room. [leaves]

Max: [to Tracie] See? I told you he’d be here and I bet he has a great explanation as to why he’s late.

Max, 99, and Austin leave and start to head over to Zach’s room.

Max: [whispering to 99 as they leave] [annoyed] He’d better have a great explanation.

The trio meet Maxine before she opens the door. Inside, on the floor, clutching his side, was Zach.

99: Zach! [rushing over to him] Are you alright?

Max and Austin help Zach to his feet and see he’s turning pale.

Austin: Zach, you really don’t look good.

Zach: [out of breath] I’m fine. I’m fine.

The guys had to practically drag Zach to a chair and sit him down.

Max: Zachary, where have you been?

Zach: It…it was a trap. At the…at the nightclub. It was…

99: Zach, what happened at that nightclub?

Zach: I met with Richard…Richard Collins and one of his guys, but it was a trap…a trap to get me there. And they…and they…injected me with something and then I was…I overheard them talking about the admiral and a press conference…

Austin: Zach, we need to get you to a hospital.

Zach: No! No, no…I’m getting married today.

99: Zach, I think Tracie will understand that you can’t marry her today.

Zach: No…guys, I’m fine. I’m fine. I just…I just need to rest for a minute. I gotta get through this day.

Maxine: Daddy, it’s almost eleven o’clock! What’re we going to do?

Max: Look, go down and keep the guests happy.

Maxine: By doing what?

Max: [annoyed] You’re the entertainment, aren’t you? Go sing something!

Maxine: Like what?

Max: [angry] Mary had a Little Lamb…I don’t care, Maxine! Think of something! {Maxine leaves] Austin, go with her. [Austin leaves]

99: Max, did you hear what Zach said?

Max: About what?

99: About the admiral and the press conference. Admiral Davis is giving a press conference this afternoon!

Max: At what time?

99: Noon. Today.

Max looked at 99 in shock and amazement. There was no way they could stop this KAOS plan and miss Zach’s wedding, assuming Zach would even be ABLE to partake in the wedding!

 


 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 


 

Setting: The Washington United Church. Downstairs, Maxine and Austin were trying to entertainment a restless guest list. Upstairs, Tracie and her father Todd, were still getting ready. Down the hall in the next room, Max and 99 were struggling to get Zach dressed in his tuxedo.

Max: Okay, Zach. We’re almost done. Are you sure you’re okay?

99: Look, Zach, we can always move the wedding to tomorrow.

Zach: No. Now, I’ve waited for this day for too long and I’m not going to let some stupid, deadly injection stop me from marrying the woman I love!

Max: [looking at Zach] Zachary, you never mentioned anything about a deadly injection.

Zach: Oh? Well, supposedly, I’m supposed to be dead by tonight.

Max & 99: Zach!

99: Why didn’t you tell us this before? We need to take you to the hospital!

Zach: [standing] I’m fine, you guys. Look, just let me get through the wedding and maybe the reception and then we can go to the hospital.

Max: Wedding, reception, and then the hospital.

Zach: Fine. [pointing to jacket] Help me get my jacket on.

Max and 99 held the jacket open for Zach, who passed out and fell to the ground.

Max: [looking at Zach] [to 99] Drink, 99?

99: [dropping jacket] Sure Max.

The two went over to the complimentary bar and poured two glasses of champagne. When Maxine walked in, she was in shock.

Maxine: I don’t believe this. I’m downstairs singing everything I know, including “Yellow Submarine” and upstairs, my brother’s passed out on the floor and my parents are drinking like it’s the new year!

Max: Calm down.

Maxine: Are you trying to ruin me? It’s not easy trying to put a wedding together, you know! I bended when you wanted to put agents everywhere, I even bended when you said you wanted me to sing at this thing, and I even tolerated, mind you, Agent 22 in the punch bowl! But this…this I can’t handle. [Austin joins them]

Austin: Everything’s set downstairs. [sees Zach] What’s up with this?

Maxine and Austin help Zach to his feet and find he’s sweating profusely.

Austin: Zach, I really think you should a doctor.

Zach: You’re a doctor, right?

Austin: Yeah.

Zach: And you’re standing in front of me, right?

Austin: Yeah.

Zach: Well, see? I’m seeing a doctor right now.

Austin: Zach, you’re really sick and I think…

Zach: Look, I appreciate your concern, but I’m getting through this day and this wedding. So, let go. [shakes everyone off] And follow me.

As soon as Zach takes a step, he falls down.

Max: This is going to be a long ceremony.

After helping Zach to his feet, everyone made their way to the altar. Austin had to hold up Zach and he could his pulse racing.

Austin: [whispering] Zach, I really think it would be in your best interest to…

Zach: [whispering] Shh! Don’t ruin my wedding.

Maxine sang the Latin version of Schubert’s “Ave Maria” while the procession gathered at the altar. Next to Zach stood Austin Parker, the best man who was holding up the groom; then Agent 41 and Thomas Lewis, Tracie’s brother, both groom’s men; and next to him was Maxwell Smart, father of the groom. After Maxine was finished, she took her place as the Maid of Honor. Next to her stood Darcie Lewis, Tracie’s sister-in-law, and Agent 62, both of them bride’s maids; and on the end was Mrs. Maxwell Smart, mother of the groom.

The wedding march started and everyone turned to see the bride. On the arm of her father, Mr. Todd Lewis, was Tracie Ann Lewis. Tracie looked beautiful in her wedding dress and Zach summoned all the strength he had left to try and hold out until the end of the ceremony. He knew his time was growing short and he desperately needed to be in the hospital, but this was the big day. Their special day they had waited for, for who knows how long. It felt like an eternity, but finally, Todd handed over his little girl, his baby, to the man who would soon be her husband.

Zach took Tracie’s hand and the two took their place at the altar. Tracie had noticed Zach looked pale and was drenched in sweat.

Tracie: [mouthed] Are you alright? [Zach nods]

The minister began his service, saying how Zach and Tracie were meant to be together and love and stuff. Zach and Tracie said their vows and the minister called for the exchanging of the rings. Both Austin and Maxine handed over the rings to the bride and groom and they placed the rings on each other’s fingers.

Minister: If anyone here objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace. [no one speaks] Well, then. By the power invested in me, by the city of Washington, DC, I pronounce you man and wife. [to Zach] You may kiss the bride. [Zach kisses Tracie] [to congregation] For the first time, I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Zachary Thomas Smart.

Everyone applauds and the last of Zach’s strength goes and he falls backwards, unconscious.

Tracie: [shock] Zach!

Austin: I told him to see a doctor.

 


 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 


 

Setting: The Quartermaine Hotel. In a honeymoon suite on the top floor, Max, 99, Austin, and Maxine are sitting around a table, playing cards.

Austin: So Chief, tell me again how you caught those KAOS agents.

Max: It was very simple, Austin. See, Collins and one of his friends had planned on kidnapping Admiral Davis…

99: That way, they’d be able to brainwash him and hoped he would work for KAOS.

Max: I was getting to that, 99.

99: Sorry, Max.

Max: Anyway, Collins led Zach into a trap. Whether they knew about his impending nuptials, I don’t know, but they did figure he’d be on the case protecting Admiral Davis, but…

Maxine: He obviously wasn’t because he’d be at his wedding.

Max: Maxine, I was gonna say that.

Maxine: Sorry, Daddy.

Max: But you’re right. Because of Zach and Tracie’s wedding, I decided to put another pair of agents on the case…

Austin: So you called them and they were able to arrest Collins and his friend, thus saving the admiral and…

99: The United States about a million dollars.

Max: [pouting] [annoyed] Are you all through? Telling my story?

Trio: Sorry.

Max: It’s okay. At least, we were able to get down to the CONTROL lab and injected with an antidote.

Austin: [looking at cards] Yep and all we have to do is wait for him to calm down…

The camera moves back and we Zach pacing across the floor. He’s in CONTROL bulletproof boxers and a T-shirt bearing the number 78 on it.

Zach: Come on you guys! I’m fine now! There’s really no reason why you have to be here.

Austin: Zach, I told you. [playing a 7 of clubs] In order to make sure that antidote works, you have to be calm and rational. [looks up at him] And unfortunately that means no…extra curriculum activities.

Zach: Oh come on! Don’t you guys trust me?

Quartet: [playing cards] No.

Zach: Well, that hurts me. That hurts me deeply. I can not believe you guys can’t leave me on my own recognizance. Like you’re spying on me.

Maxine: Zach, we’re here to make nothing goes wrong with that antidote. We’re here for reason and one reason only and it’s not to spy on you, you pervert.

Just then, Tracie enters from the bedroom, wearing a satin t-shirt/boxers combination pjs. She walks over to the quartet playing cards and gives 99 and Max a kiss on the cheek.

Tracie: [smiling] Hi!

Austin: Hi Trace.

Tracie: [giving Max a shoulder rub] Whatcha doin’?

Max: Playing a spirited game of hearts.

Tracie: Oh? Who’s winning?

Max: [annoyed] 99…as always.

99: I can’t help it if I’m good at playing hearts, Max.

Max: [whispering to Tracie] I think she’s cheating somehow.

99: I heard that, Maxwell!

Tracie: Well, I’m going to bed. I had a big day today.

Zach: Yeah and I’m losing out on a big night. [pouts]

Tracie: Aw, Zachy. [kisses him] It’s not so bad. You can play cards. [heads for bedroom]

Zach: Hey, wait a minute!

Zach catches up with Tracie and gives her a long, passionate kiss.

Max: [playing cards] Zachary…

Zach: [breaking kiss] Goodnight, Tracie.

Tracie: Goodnight, Zach. [kisses him on the ear] Night, everybody.

Quartet: Night, Tracie.

Max: [seeing look on Zach’s face] Come on, Junior. Sit down and let’s play a card game.

Zach: [walking over] [pouting] What game?

Max: Poker. Ace’s wild? [everyone nods] And…

Quartet: [to Zach] NO CHEATING!

Zach: [shocked] Me? Cheat? I’m hurt by your luck of trust in me. I mean, I really really am. [starts playing] Look, wouldn’t you guys like to have your own rooms? I mean, how much fun can it be hanging out with newlyweds? God! We’re so boring! Wouldn’t you guys like to have your own rooms?

Quartet: No.

Zach: Perverts. Why not?

Maxine: Zach, are you going to talk all night or are we going to play cards?

Zach: Fine. [playing cards] Wouldn’t you just like to have your own…?

Quartet: No!

Max: Zach, will you stop trying to get rid of us?!

Zach: Fine. Fine. But one or more of you will have to go to sleep tonight and that’s all I have to say about that.

Quartet: Shut up, Zach.

 

 

THE END CREDITS OF GET SMART!!

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