The Hill is Greener on the Other Side
Setting: The office of Thomas Hill, in the midst of KAOS headquarters. Hill was very irate indeed. Two agents stood before him with rather a bit of bad news.
Agent 1: We’re sorry, Mr. Hill, but we tried everything. Dr. Cosgrove is locked up tighter than the crown jewels of England.
Hill: [stepping up to agent] Then you should have tried harder! [hits agent] Commander Sigfried put me in charge of kidnapping Dr. Richard Cosgrove from his hotel. Do I have to do everything myself?!
Agent 2: What’s so hot about this guy Cosgrove anyway?
Hill: [walking around office] Dr. Cosgrove is a revolutionary scientist from England. He’s the main reason why the British Fleet and army are the best working military union in the world. He has created weapons such as the under water long distance missile, that can shoot at anything from a thousand miles away. He has also invented the deadly Grovison virus. Deadly to whoever ingests it. That’s why KAOS wants him so much….
The scene switches to CONTROL headquarters, where Team Smart is in a meeting about Dr. Cosgrove.
Max:…with him on their side, Cosgrove could virtually destroy the world by himself.
66: Chief, would Dr. Cosgrove really side with the enemy?
99: I doubt that, 66. Dr. Richard Cosgrove has been a loyal member of the British Army for over 20 years. What advantage would he gain by defecting to KAOS?
Zach: A better funeral plan, for one.
Zach: Then of course, there’s their free dental and health plan.
Parker: CONTROL has a free dental and health plan!
Zach: With a five-dollar cover charge! And that’s if you check out okay. I shouldn’t tell you what happens if they find something wrong.
Parker: I don’t have that problem. I get free dental and health.
Zach: [shocked] Why do you get dental and health?
Maxine: He’s one of the lab techs. Why not?
Zach: Cause it’s unfair, that’s why not! Do you get free dental and health?
Zach: WHAT! Why?
Max: [annoyed] Stop it! We didn’t come in here to discuss the dental plan! [calm] Now as mentioned, Cosgrove won’t defect, but just in case I want an agent watching Cosgrove.
Zach: Well, I’m not doing it. Not till I get free dental and health.
Max: [annoyed] Fine!
66: I’ll do it, Chief.
Max: Thank you, 66. At least I can still count on you. [glaring at Zach] All you have to do is make sure nothing happens to Dr. Cosgrove and keep him out of harm’s way.
66: No problem, Chief. [leaves]
Zach: Ha! Joke’s on her. If something happens, she’ll have to pay for her funeral.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!
Setting: Max’s office. Max sits at his desk, looking over a file. Zach enters and sits down.
Zach: Dad, I’m a little upset about this.
Max: [sarcastically] Oh! So you’ve changed your mind about Dr. Cosgrove, have you? Well, it’s too late! This is 66’s case, you know.
Zach: Not that. This dental plan thing. [Max rolls his eyes] I’m a little mad that Maxine gets free dental and health and I don’t. I don’t think that’s very fair, do you?
Max: Zach, the reason she gets fee dental and health is because she happens to be part of the lab section.
Zach: How so?
Max: [shrugs] I don’t really know.
Zach: I’ll tell you how so. It’s cause she’s seeing Dr. Austin Parker, head of the lab section, on the side, that’s how so! I don’t think that’s fair. When you were seeing Mom, did you get discounts on the women’s apparel? I think not! This is a total injustice!
Max: [annoyed] Zachary! First of all, I was not “seeing” your mother on the side…
Zach: [nodding sarcastically] Whatever, Dad. [look from Max] Continue your story.
Max: [looks at Zach, then continues] Secondly, your sister’s relationship with Parker has nothing to do with her getting free dental and health or rather it better not. So, drop the subject so we can get on with business. [holding up file] Know what this is?
Zach: A folder.
Max: [annoyed] No…
Zach: Should I have said it’s a manila folder? Unless of course, it’s not a folder.
Max: [very annoyed] It’s a folder. This is the folder of the genius behind this KAOS plot.
Zach: Oh good. Now we won’t have to find out who.
Max: Who what?
Zach: And that too. We won’t have to find that out.
Max: Find what out?
Max: [confused] [looks at Zach] Don’t talk as long as you’re in here. This folder happens to be the KAOS file on Thomas Hill.
Zach: Thomas Anthony Hill, second in command of KAOS. I wondered when he’d show up again.
Max: Yes, but this is much worse. In the year since we first heard of him, he’s become this young political being. Everyone in Congress thinks he’s a rising new star into the political world. He even has the president believing this.
Zach: That means he’ll be even harder to take down. With his support and all, everyone will think we’re the bad guys. So what do we do?
Max: You go over to the hotel where Cosgrove is staying and tell 66. She’s yet to have the pleasure of meeting Hill.
Zach: I haven’t met him either, but I’ll check out his picture as I drive over there.
Max: Listen Zach, be careful. Hill has gotten a bit more aggressive since we dealt with him last. I’m afraid he’ll stoop to anything to get KAOS’s hands on Cosgrove.
Zach: [standing] Don’t worry, Pop. You have the best possible agent on this case.
Zach reaches over to take the file and all the papers fall from it on to the floor.
Zach: I’ll get that, Pop.
Max: No, I’ll get it.
Both men lean over to get the papers and bang their heads on one another. Reeling from pain, Zach picks up the papers and puts them back in the folder.
Zach: Dad…[seeing the pain on Max’s face] despite this incident, in my opinion I think you’ve got the best possible man on the job.
Max: [rubbing his forehead] [sarcastically] Don’t leave, Zach. I want to see if I can get a second opinion.
Zach: [sarcastically] I’m glad you haven’t lost your sense of humor, Dad. [leaves]
Over at the Golden Palace Hotel, 66 and Dr. Cosgrove sat in the bar, having a drink.
66: So how do you like America so far, Doctor?
Cosgrove: [with British accent] It’s lovely, Ms. 66. I haven’t been to America for quite some time, but when your president called wanting to see me, I couldn’t resist coming.
66: Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying your stay.
Cosgrove: My stay and my company. [clinks glasses with her]
From somewhere else in the bar, two figures are watching the doctor and 66 as they drink.
Hill: The man on the left is Dr. Cosgrove, but I’ve never seen the girl before.
Agent: Don’t you know who that is? That’s Agent 66 of CONTROL.
Hill: So that’s the infamous… and quite beautiful…Agent 66.
Agent: Don’t set your sights on her, boss. That’s Zachary Smart’s girl.
Hill: Well, she doesn’t seem to be with him now, does she? Listen, you take care of the good doctor and I’ll see if I can…persuade Ms. 66 to dine with me tonight.
Agent: But Mr. Hill, isn’t that going off the plan a little?
Hill: [annoyed] I have a new plan. I want you to kill Cosgrove.
Agent: Kill him?
Hill: Yes, kill him. Tell me, how serious is this…relationship with Zachary Smart?
Agent: Well, I guess not so hot, but…
Hill: Perfect. With a little Thomas Hill charm, we might be able to destroy Team Smart and CONTROL and I might have myself a cozy relationship.
Setting: The Golden Palace hotel. It only took Zach about twenty minutes to get over there and find Agent 66, who sat in front of the door to Dr. Cosgrove’s room. She was reading something, like a note when
Zach walked up to her.
Zach: I hope you’re not slouching on the job, 66.
66: [looking up] Oh, hi, Zach. When did you get here? Relieving me?
Zach: No, coming over to tell you something very important. [sees note] What’s that?
66: It’s a piece of paper.
Zach: Yes, I…[annoyed] What’s on the piece of paper?
66: [rather shyly] It’s just a note of sorts. It’s nothing, really.
Zach: [concerned] Now, wait a minute. If that’s something important to this case, I have a right to know.
66: No, you don’t. This isn’t your case, remember?
Zach: [stuttering] Well…it…would’ve been. [pause] You’re right. Not my case, shouldn’t pry. [pause] Please tell me what’s in that note?
66: No! Now what was it you were going to tell me?
Zach: Oh, [taking out folder] The Chief wanted me to give this to you. It’s the profile of Thomas Hill.
66: Thomas Hill. Second in command at KAOS…
Zach: And deadly killer. Unfortunately, he’s been working his way to the top of things and is regarded as a good humanitarian.
66: [surprised] By our government? The same man who killed at six or seven Congressmen and then tried to kill you and your mom?
Zach: Yes, the very one in the same.
66: [looking for picture] Is there a picture I could go on?
Zach: [also looking] It’s not in there? [66 shakes her head] I must’ve left it in the car. I’ll go look for it. Be right back. [leaves]
Zach leaves to go to the car, just as Hill and his agent come around the corner.
Hill: That must be his room. I’ll distract her, you slip in and kill him.
Hill goes over to 66 and pretends to drop something. 66 bends over to pick up a pen.
66: [to Hill] I think you dropped this. [handing out pen]
Hill: Oh, did I? [searching his jacket] I guess I did.[taking pen] Thank you. Um, haven’t we met?
66: I don’t think so.
Hill: The bar today. You were sitting with an elderly gentleman.
66: That’s right. Then… [holding up note]
Hill: [blushing] Yes, I’m afraid I am the culprit who wrote the note. I hope I haven’t offended you by being so forward.
66: No, of course not. In fact, I’m rather flattered.
Hill: [smiling] Where are my manners? [extending hand] Thomas Anthony.
66: [shaking hand] Tracie Lewis.
Hill: Well, Tracie, what are you doing hanging outside of hotel rooms?
66: [laughing] I’m waiting for a friend of mine, actually,to come back. He dropped something and went to go find it. And, I’m standing outside of… my grandfather’s room, waiting for him. We’re going sightseeing today.
Hill: Well, I hope you two have a lot of fun. I… have to admit, I wish I was your grandfather right now. [laughs with 66] I hope I’m not being too bold, but…would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
66: [shocked] I’d love to.
Hill: Wonderful. [searching for pen] Let me get your number and I’ll call you later tonight. Dinner say…at eight?
66: [writing number down] Eight sounds perfect.
Hill: [taking pen and paper] Well, I shall see you at eight o’clock then. [kissing her hand] Until tonight.
Hill leaves and runs into his agent.
Agent: Boss, I couldn’t get to him.
Hill: It’s alright. We’ll move tonight.
The scene moves later that night, as 66 is getting ready for her date with Thomas Anthony. Maxine Smart sat downstairs reading a magazine as 66 got dressed upstairs. There was a knock at the door.
66: [upstairs] Max, get that for me.
Maxine got up and went over to the door and answered it. Behind it was Zach, who held a box of candy in his hand.
Maxine: Well, well. What’s this surprise?
Zach: I came over to see Agent 66, not you. [handing over candy]
66: [upstairs] Max, is that Thomas?
Maxine: [calling to 66] No, it’s just Zach. [opening candy]
Zach: [seeing Max with candy] Hey! [takes candy] This does not say for Maxine Smart! Say, where’s Tracie off to?
Maxine: [sits back down and starts reading again] She’s got a date.
Zach: [confused] She does? Do you know where we’re going?
Maxine: [looking up from mag.] She doesn’t have a date with you. Why must you always assume that whenever she has a date, it’s with you?
Zach: [sitting] Because it usually is. I’ve got two questions for you.
Maxine: His name is Thomas and no, I haven’t met him.
Zach: [annoyed] That’s not it, but that did answer one question. No, I wanted to know about your dental and health plans…
Maxine: [annoyed] Zach, will you get off of that!? Technically, I’m an active agent, but because I also do lab stuff, I’m part of that too. [seeing Zach about to speak] And no, it’s not because Austin has a thing for me!
66 comes downstairs, dressed in a lovely red gown.
Zach: [seeing 66] Hey, don’t you look pretty?
66: Thank you. [seeing candy] For me?
Zach: [taking candy from Max again] Of course. So, I hear you have a date.
66: Zach, please don’t get upset over this.
Zach: Who’s upset? I’m…
Zach: [annoyed] [looking at Max] Trilled, to be exact.
66: [surprised] You are? Well, thank you, Zach. [putting hand on Zach’s back] And thank you for coming. [walking them both to door]
Zach: [stopping at door] Oh I get it. Get the male partner out so the date doesn’t think there’s something going on. You don’t have to push me out. I can read between the lines. I know when I’m not wanted.
66: [sympathetically] Oh, Zach…[opening door] Thank you.
Zach: [going out door] And when there’s chocolate pieces you don’t want…don’t come to me. Cause I won’t eat them! [leaves]
66 closes the door behind him and looks at Maxine.
Both: He’s jealous.
The next morning, Max waits eagerly for 66 to get in his office. Already there, are Zach, Maxine, and Parker. 66 walks in, in a very good mood.
66: Morning all.
Zach: Well…how’s was your little…date?
66: Fine, thank you. [to Max] You wanted to see me, Chief?
Max: Yes. What time did you leave Dr. Cosgrove last night?
66: [hesitant] Well, I did leave early. I had a date last night. I left at about 6:30, 7pm. Why?
Max: [hands her a report] Read that.
66: [picks up report and starts to read] [surprised] Dr. Cosgrove was killed last night?! How?
Max: He was shot. At about nine o’clock last night. No one saw anything or heard anything.
66: Well…do we know who did it?
Parker: Well, of course we know who did it! It was obviously Thomas Hill and KAOS!
Maxine: Dad, what I don’t understand is, if the whole building was covered by CONTROL agents, how did anyone from KAOS get to Cosgrove?
Max: I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure. With Cosgrove’s death, KAOS has nothing to gain now.
Zach: So that’s it? Case over?
Max: No. Don’t you find this odd? KAOS needed Dr. Cosgrove. He’s now dead, probably the work of Thomas Hill, but why? He knew how important this was to KAOS, but yet he goes ahead and has Cosgrove killed. Why?
Zach: Hmmm, that’s a good question, Dad.
Max: [annoyed] Good, cause I want you all to find out the answer.
Parker: But where do we start? We know KAOS needed Cosgrove, so killing him is essentially a dumb move on their part. How do we even know this was the work of KAOS in the first place?
Maxine: Because it was definitely a KAOS killing. Typical KAOS.
Zach: Well, it seems to me that this a typical case of a who, a how, a where, a when, a what, but no why. [everyone stares at him]
Parker: [angered] Smart, what the hell does that mean?!
Zach: Simple. We need a why to what’s happening. We know the who’s KAOS, the how’s the gun, the when was last night, the what was Dr. Richard Cosgrove, but we don’t know why.
Max: [annoyed and tired] And all this means…?
Zach: We have to find a why to all this.
Maxine: [to Zach] Don’t talk for the rest of the day. [to Max] Should we start at Dr. Cosgrove’s hotel room?
Max: You and Parker go, Zach, I want you and 66 to find out where Thomas Hill was last night.
The scene switches to KAOS high command in Thomas Hill’s office. Hill is on the phone with someone when another agent walks in.
Hill: Yes, sir. I have no idea why he was killed, Siegfried, but I assure you, I will get to the bottom of this. You can always count on me, Siegfried. In fact, I’m devising of a plan right now to eliminate the
Smarts and their team. Yes, Siegfried. Thank you, Siegfried. [hangs up]
Agent: Mr. Hill, I thought you should know, a Tracie Lewis is on your other line.
Hill: Why did you walk way in here to tell me that? Why didn’t you tell me this on the intercom?
Agent: I wanted to give you a personalized feel to it.
Hill: [annoyed] What line?
Agent: Excuse me?
Hill: [more annoyed] What line is Ms. Lewis on?
Agent: Oh! Line 2. [leaves]
Hill: [on phone] Tracie, darling! How are you?
66: [downstairs at CONTROL] I can’t talk long, but I just wanted to say hi.
Hill: Well, hello. What are you up to?
66: I’m at work and working on finding something. Research, if you will.
Hill: Are you? Well, don’t be too busy. I’d like to take you out again tonight.
66: Oh, Thomas, that would be marvelous!
Zach walks over to the desk where 66 is to show her something. She waves him away, but he gets more insistent, trying to get her back to their original task.
Hill: Would it? Well, then eight o’clock fine?
66: [waving Zach to stop] Yes, that’s fine. Talk to you later. Bye. [hangs up] [to Zach] What!
Zach: Stop talking to your boy toy and help me with this file. I know that picture of Hill is around here somewhere.
Back at KAOS, Hill calls in one of his best agents.
Hill: I’m having dinner tonight with Ms. Lewis. I’m afraid that CONTROL is getting way too close to us. I need something that will put CONTROL off of my trail on to something else, but also I want something that will devastate Ms. Lewis, but find a new appreciation of me. I want you to kill Zachary Smart.
Setting: CONTROL headquarters, the Chief’s office. Max was sitting at his desk, looking over a file when Zach walked in.
Max: [looking up] Hi, Zach. Something wrong?
Zach: Well…actually, Pop, there is. It’s about this guy Agent 66 is seeing.
Max: Zach, try not to let your emotions get the best of you.
Zach: Dad, if you’re suggesting that I’m jealous, I can tell you that you’re completely wrong. But I will say that I’m not too keen on this guy.
Max: Have you met him?
Zach: Well, that’s the thing. No one’s met him yet and I find that a bit strange. That and the fact that we haven’t heard from Thomas Hill since Cosgrove’s murder. [Maxine walks in]
Maxine: Daddy, I have some really weird news.
Max: Okay, what is it?
Zach: Wait a minute. This is top secret, right?
Zach: Well, shouldn’t we use the cone of silence?
Zach: In the event that we should get top secret information pertaining to a case, it states in the CONTROL Spy Manual, section five, paragraph four, sub-section two, line twenty-five, that in order to preserve the security of the nation against the forces of evil and rottenness, we must take advantage of the cone of silence.
Max: [to Maxine] He’s right.
Maxine: But the cone of silence never WORKS!! I know that, you know that, I bet even the cone of silence knows that!
Zach: Still, if it pertains to this case and it’s of vital importance, we must use the cone of silence.
Maxine: Alright, smart guy, how are you supposed to know this information?
Zach: Very simple. You and Dad trade information, then when you’re finished, I’ll take your place and Dad will tell me what you told him.
Maxine: [annoyed] But that is so…Fine! Get up. [Zach moves and Maxine takes his chair] Ready, Dad?
Max pushes the button to lower the cone of silence and soon they are encased in the big plastic obstacle.
Max: Alright, Max. What information did you find out?
Maxine: [pause] What?
Max: I said, what did you find out!?
Zach: [from outside] He asked what was it that you found out!
Maxine: Oh! [to Max] Thomas Hill has been seeing one of our CONTROL agents.
Zach: She said Thomas Hill has been seeing one of our agents! [thinks] Hey, do you think the guy that 66 is seeing is Hill?
Both Maxs: What?!
Zach: I said…[Max presses the button to raise the COS] DO YOU THINK THAT THE GUY 66 IS SEEING IS HILL!
Max: You don’t have to yell, Zachary.
Maxine: [smirking] You’re not saying that because you’re jealous, are you?
Zach: For the last time, I am NOT jealous! [66 walks in] I don’t have a jealous bone in my little spy body. [looks at 66] Your friend, Mr. Anthony…how much do you know about him?
66: Well, I’ll admit not much, but I do know he’s in a growing business and he happens to be the most sweetest guys I’ve ever met. [looking at Zach] Why?
Max: Now, gang, don’t jump to conclusions. 66, we have reason to believe that Thomas Hill is working on the inside. It seems he’s been seen with one of our own agents. You have to admit that it’s just plain coincidence that at the time that Hill and KAOS have killed Dr. Cosgrove for no reason and Hill has just disappeared, you’re going out with someone new. That’s all I’m saying.
66: Well, I certainly hope that Zach’s jealousy has nothing to do with this.
Zach: [angered] Alright! That’s it! For the last and FINAL time…I AM NOT JEALOUS! But I would like to say that whoever you’re seeing, should go through the standard CONTROL testing.
66: WHAT! [to Max] Chief, your son is getting too ridiculous and stupid…[looks at Zach] Even for his regular self.
Zach: Oh! That’s it! You know what…
Max: Hold it! Hold it! Now, calm down, you two! Look, this is what we’ll do. 66, do you have a picture of Mr. Anthony?
Max: Zach, where’s that picture of Hill from the file?
Zach: I can’t find it.
Max: [annoyed] Peachy. [to Maxine] Max, go outside and ask Trudi if she has one of the KAOS roster photos.
Maxine: Alright. [leaves]
66: Chief, I think I would know if I was dating a KAOS agent.
Max: Tracie, I don’t doubt for one minute that you carried yourself in very professional matter, but you have to understand why we’ve got to check this out. If Thomas Hill IS somehow involved with one our agents, the whole security and livelihood of CONTROL could be very dangerously jeopardized. [Maxine comes back with a piece of paper]
Maxine: Here you go, Dad. [starts to hand the paper to Max, but 66 takes it]
66: [quickly looks at paper, then puts it down on the desk] [a little upset] He’s not there.
Zach: Oh, really. [takes paper and looks at it] Which one is it? Hmm? Is it him? [points at picture] [no reaction from 66] No? Okay. Him? [still no reaction] [points at Hill’s picture] What about…[sees reaction from 66] Ha! It is! It’s Hill! You’re seeing Thomas Hill! I knew it! [to Max] I told you! I knew it! [to 66] What’d you tell him?
66: [angered] [to Zach] I told him that I once liked a complete and total nut!
Zach: [pause] You’re talking about me, aren’t you? [to Max] She’s talking about me.
Max: Now, listen, both of you. Calm down.
66: Chief, I didn’t know.
Zach: [sarcastically] Oh sure! Oh, you didn’t know.
66: [to Zach] [angered] Keep it up, Smart, and you’re gonna get decked!
Max: Stop it! Both of you! [to 66] Tracie, look. This might be the break we need. If we can get Hill where we want him, KAOS is almost virtually destroyed.
Zach: Well, I don’t want to do this.
Max: [annoyed] Fine, Zach. Go home.
Zach: Alright, fine. I’ll go home. But just remember this, Pop. When I walk out that door, you’ll be completely helpless. You’ll be stranded here without my expert know how. You’ll be making hundreds of decisions without my input into the matter.
Max: …and loving it!
Zach: [sarcastically] Funny. Really ha-ha.
Later that night, 66 and Maxine met over at the Smart’s house to go over their plan for capturing Thomas Hill.
Max: Okay. 66 and Hill go to the Golden Park restaurant, where the three of us will follow you. Then, Maxine will make a call to you and you’ll lead Hill out the door, where we and a bunch of other CONTROL
agents will be there to arrest him.
66: That’s a real good plan, Chief, but I do have a little problem with some of it.
Max: [hurt] What part? Where you and Hill go to dinner and we follow you?
66: No, I like that part.
Max: The part where Max calls and you lead Hill out the door?
66: No, that part I like.
Maxine: Is it the part where we arrest him and take him into custody?
66: I’m crazy about that part. I like that part a lot.
99: Is it the part where Hill should discover what’s going on and kill you?
66: [smiling] That’s it!
Max: That’s what?
66: The part I don’t like. I would not like that to happen.
Max: Don’t worry, 66. [walking to door with others] That can’t happen. There’s only one way that our plan will not work.
Max opens the door to see Thomas Hill standing outside, holding a revolver.
Max: That’s it.
Maxine: That’s what?
Max: That’s the way to foil our plans. [Hill motions them inside]
Setting: Zach’s apartment. Zach sat down on the couch, trying to watch TV, but it wasn’t working. He had his mind on the plan to put away Thomas Hill.
The fact that 66 was putting herself in harm’s way was really starting to upset him and he was feeling very guilty for the way he had behaved that week. He was about to get up and go over to his parents’ house, when the phone rang.
Hill: Mr. Smart, I have a bit of a surprise for you.
Zach: Who is this?
Hill: Let’s just say that your parents and your little girlfriend and I have become very close.
Zach: Hey, wait a minute…
Hill: If you want to save your family and Ms. Lewis, I suggest you come over to your parents’ house immediately. [hangs up]
The scene goes back to the Smart household, where Max, Maxine, 99, and 66 are chained to the front of the house.
Max: I don’t want to sound rude, Hill, but just what do you think you’re doing?
Hill: It’s very simple, Mr. Smart. The way I see it, if I can’t have Tracie Lewis, then no one can and that goes especially to your son. In fact, this sort of like an introduction for your son to meet me and
his final departure. And if I happen to get rid of the majority of Team Smart, KAOS will definitely see fit to reward me.
Maxine: Yes, especially after your botched kidnapping of Dr. Cosgrove.
Hill: Oh that wasn’t botched. [walking over to Maxine] That was purposeful. What better way of getting CONTROL off my back by having them search for some reason for the death of Cosgrove, when all the while
I was dating one of their top agents. A rather gifted plan, don’t you think?
66: Well, I hope you realize, Mr. Hill, that we’re through. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.
Hill: [laughing] My dear girl, you’ll be dead in a few minutes. See this? [holds up remote] This, my wonderful captures, is a detonation device that controls a large bomb that I’ve planted in the house earlier today. One push and you and this marvelous house all become a great big Fourth of July firework. But you know, I thought I would give you all a sporting chance. Two, to be exact. [holds up a key] This is the key to undo your bindings. [walks over to the front door and hangs it on a nail that’s been placed] All you have to do is get it. Or you can wait for…[starts to laugh]…your knight in shining armor to rescue you. [hears a car coming] Aahh, bullseye. There’s your savior now. [leaves somewhere]
Indeed, coming down the street was Zach’s black firebird. He pulled up in front of the house and got out of the car, very surprised and confused when he saw the four in front of the house. He went up to the
four and stopped.
Zach: What’re you guys doing?
Max: [sarcastically] Having a picnic…what’s it look like!? We’re chained to the house!
Zach: Well, I can see that, but what I want to know is why?
Maxine: [sarcastically] It just came to us. We were all inside and thought, “wouldn’t it be great to just chain ourselves to the house?”
Zach: [angrily looks at Maxine] [looks at everyone] Look, do you want out of this or what?
99: Zach, the key is hanging on the door.
Zach looks at the door and goes to take the key, when Hill emerges from the darkness, with the revolver.
Hill: Not so fast, Smart. [Zach stops and turns to face Hill] Mr. Zachary Smart. So we meet again.
Zach: [confused] We’ve actually never met.
Hill: Oh. Well, then [rising gun] we meet for the first time for the last time. [confused]
Zach: I have a proposition. You put your gun down, let me get the key and release everyone, we call the police and you get carted off to jail.
Hill: I don’t think we’ll be taking that road, but I do have a proposition for you. I assume we’re both reasonable men that can handle their differences without guns. What say we settle our differences like men
with a friendly fight? If I win, you die.
Zach: And if I win?
Hill: You go free. [skeptical look from Zach] Mr. Smart, I may work for KAOS, but I’m not a liar. [tosses gun in the bushes] See? I’m completely unarmed. [coming closer]
Zach: [turns from Hill to talk to the captures] See? He’s unarmed.
Zach turns around and gets the full brunt of Hill’s fist in his face. He knocked him a little off balance, but thus began the fight. Hill was in full control over Zach, who was buckling under the strength of Hill.
Hill, thinking he had already won, turned to get his remote. Zach, getting a burst of wind, took Hill out with a leg sweep, making him fall to the ground and hit his head on the surface. Zach quickly scrambled to his feet and rushed over to the key. In his haste, the key dropped in the grass.
99: What’s wrong?
Zach: [frantically looking for key] I dropped the key.
Zach: It’s got to be around here somewhere.
Maxine: Zach, hurry!
Zach: [still searching] Believe me, Max, I am not stalling.
From out of the shadows, Hill came out with a shovel. Taking a batters stance, Hill swung the shovel right into Zach’s back, causing him to cry out.
Max: Hill, that’s not fair!
Hill: All is fair in love and war, Mr. Smart. [dropping the shovel]
The time Hill took to boast gave Zach ample time to get his strength, or what was left of it, back. As Hill came towards, Zach punched him, causing Hill to fall backwards. Zach stood up, trying to get his wits
Zach: Get up, Hill.
Hill leaped to his feet, only to be knocked down by a standing leg kick by Zach.
Zach turned and remembered what his task was. He ran back over to the house to once again look for the key.
Zach: Hey! [holding up key] I found it! I found it!
Hill came back with the shovel, using it as a strangling device over Zach’s throat. The surprise attack made Zach drop the key back where he found it, struggling to get away from Hill.
66: Thomas, stop it!
But the weapon was taking its toll on Zach, making him very drowsy.
Hill: I just happen to be a very sore loser. [to TS] How’s it feel, Chief? Watching as your son dies in front of you and your wife?
Zach continued to struggle, but he was growing weaker by the minute. With a last ounce of strength, Zach elbowed Hill hard in the stomach making him fall and drop the shovel. Zach also dropped and with luck, his hand landed on the key.
He turned and looked to make sure Hill was still down, which he was, and gave the key to 66, who started frantically to unlock the chains. Zach stood up, just as Hill was getting up. Now Zach was in charge, not allowing Hill to get in one shot. But lack of energy was preventing Zach to continue with his lead and soon Hill was in charge, bringing a very weak Zach to his knees.
Hill, not caring or not seeing 66 trying to free herself, picked up the shovel and went back over to Zach. As soon as Zach got up, he was quickly struck down by the shovel connecting with his head, causing him to fall back.
Hill, also tired, leaned back on the shovel, before dropping it and going to get his remote. He picked it up, pulled out the antenna, and had his finger on the button.
Hill: Well, the time you’ve waited for is here. [pauses] But first, [looking at Zach, trying to pick himself up] [to Max and 99] I’m going to let you watch as I kill your son.
Hill placed the remote down and from his back belt buckle, he pulled out a knife and walked over to the very exhausted and pained Zach. Hill raised the knife, intending on stabbing Zach in the back. With a medium gust of wind, Zach managed to get Hill before he got him, by punching him in the stomach.
Hill doubled over in pain and Zach gave him an uppercut, causing Hill to go back wards and drop the knife. Zach stood up, dazed, and with a pounding headache. His vision was a little fuzzy, but he could see
Hill, or rather at least two Hills, coming at him.
He swung wildly and actually hit Hill and then again and again. One more hit caused Hill to fall back
and hit the ground, unconscious. Zach too fall backwards and hit the ground, just as 66 had gotten unchained and had freed Maxine’s hand and gave her the key.
66: [running over to Zach] Zach! Zach, Zach, are you alright?
Zach: [dazed and confused] Mommy, my head hurts.
Maxine: [unchaining Max and 99] [to 66] Is Zach okay?
66: Well, he definitely isn’t his whole self, but I’m sure after a little while, he’ll be our good ole Zach again.
Maxine: [thinking] And that’s what we want, right? [everyone looks at her] What? I want to make sure.
Setting: The Smart household. After Zach had been taken to the hospital and Hill taken into custody, Maxine, Max and 99 are searching for the remote to detonate the bomb in the house.
Parker: Are you sure Hill didn’t have it on him?
Max: Positive. He dropped it like right here. Right where I’m standing.
Trudi: Hey Chief!
Max: [annoyed] [still looking] What Trudi?
Trudi: You dropped your remote controller. If you ever lost this you wouldn’t be able to watch TV! [pause] Hey, what’s this red button for?
The Smarts realize that Trudi has found the remote and also realize she’s about to detonate it.
The Smarts: NO TRUDI DON’T!
Too late. Trudi presses the red button and the Smarts cover their ears as the sound of a large explosion is heard.
99: [woefully] Our house! Our beautiful house…[turns to see what’s left and finds it still intact]…is still here.
Max: [hands still over ears] What!
99: I said our house is still here.
Maxine: But there was an explosion. I heard an explosion. [Agent 22 comes from around the back of the house]
Agent 22: Man, you should see this house behind you. Blown to bits. The guy who lives there is gonna be mad when he gets home.
22 shakes his head, as Maxine stares at him in disbelief, while Max and 99 look into the camera in awe.
THE ENDING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!