The Pianist Is In
Setting: A concert hall. On the stage, a young man is playing a piece by Mozart on the piano. The camera moves to the balcony, where Chief Maxwell Smart, his wife Agent 99, and two of his agents sit and enjoy the music.
99: [to Max] This was certain an excellent cover for Zach.
Max: I agree, 99.
Tracie: Chief, has Zach always been a concert pianist or is he a CONTROL agent who just happens to play piano? And very well, I must add.
Max: Zach has always been a pianist. He’s been playing since he was little. The fact that he’s a CONTROL agent just helps in a situation like this.
Maxine: Yeah, those are the perks for the concert players.
99: We did try to get you to take piano lessons, Maxine.
Maxine: I know, but I’ve always been a drummer at heart. There’s something about taking two sticks and beating on something that’s so relaxing. [looks from trio] What?
Max: As I was saying, Tracie, for this assignment, the fact that Zach is a top-notch pianist, plays an important role in this case.
Maxine: What is the case, Daddy?
Max: [watching the stage] I’d rather wait until we get a chance to talk to Zach.
Zach had finished his piece and was taking his bows. He glanced over to the balcony, straightened his tie, and continued bowing.
Max: Hey, that means Zach needs to talk to us. Come on, let’s go.
Zach left the stage quickly and hurried to his dressing room. Before he reached the door, he was stopped by a man wearing a large overcoat and a tux underneath.
Zach: Mr. Bellini…
Bellini: Senior Bellini to the likes of you!
Zach: I apologize, Senior Bellini. Was there something I could help you with?
Bellini: I commend you on your great piano accomplishments, Mr. Zacherina, but you lack something as an individual. I didn’t walk over here just to chitchat, I assure you. I want to go over our piece tomorrow morning, 9am sharp. Is that understood?
Zach: [sarcastically] Clear as crystal. Now, if you excuse me, I have some work to do. [goes into dressing room]
The man known as Bellini storms off in the opposite direction and nearly collides with the Smarts and Tracie as they head for Zach’s dressing room. The man gives no apologizes and continues to walk off.
99: Well! The nerve of some people.
Maxine: You said it, Mom.
Max: Come on, girls. It’s important we find Zach’s room.
The four leave and look for Zach’s dressing room. Meanwhile, Zach is looking over his room. With his back turned, we see a gun coming out of the closet. Zach is looking through the music sitting on the piano and notices the gun in the small mirror on the lid. He pretends to be checking something and slowly removes his gun. He then zips around and shoots the perpetrator from the closet.
The man steps forward and falls down, dead. Zach is about to check on him, when he hears a knock at the door. Fearing of another attack, he quickly turns off the lights and stands by the door. The door opens slowly and a gun pokes out. In the dark, there’s a struggle and the door closes with a slam. Suddenly, there’s a shot and all movement stops.
THE OPENING CREDITS OF GET SMART!!
Setting: The Gallagher Theater for the Arts. A piano performance by the Great Zacharina had marked the evening, but it seemed as though a murder would mark the night. Inside the dressing room of the pianist had been gunshots and a struggle. When the lights came on, we see Max sitting on top of someone and the mirror on the piano had been shattered.
Zach: I know whose back you’re on, but whose side are you on?
Max: [standing] Sorry about that, Junior. [helps him up] But you started it. What’s the big idea of attacking me?
Zach: I thought you were another guy trying to kill me. [points to dead body] See? Besides, what’s the big idea of shooting at me?
Max: I didn’t shoot at you. I thought you shot at me.
Maxine: Sorry. It was me. [everyone looks at mirror]
Zach: [sarcastically] Stable Mable does it again. In all the years I’ve been a spy, the only danger I face comes from my own family.
Tracie: Sweetheart, are you okay?
Zach: I’m fine.
99: Zach, I don’t understand. Why is someone trying to kill you?
Zach: [to Max] You haven’t told them? Some Chief you are.
Max: [annoyed] Shut up. I was waiting until we could talk to you. But now that we’re all here, I guess I’d better tell everyone what’s going on.
Tracie: Start from the beginning, Chief.
Max: To start off, this theater is a KAOS information depot.
Maxine: You mean, KAOS is using this theater to sneak out vital information about our government?
Max: Exactly. The way I see it, KAOS is using certain performances that occur here to relay messages to their agents.
Zach: They’re basically doing what we’re doing. [girls nod]
Max: Right. Which is why Zach’s here. His talent as a pianist works well with this case on two points.
Zach: One, I get to find out what’s been going on here…
Max: And secondly, he gets to keep an eye on Roberto Bellini.
Tracie: Who’s Roberto Bellini?
99: He’s a world famous opera singer. He’s doing a stint here in the states.
Zach: [sarcastically] And guess who gets the opportunity to perform with him? I can tell you first hand what a pain he is.
Maxine: Why is Roberto Bellini so important to this case, Dad?
Max: That’s what we’re going to find out. [looks at Zach]
Zach: The guy’s been threatened. Fear of an international scandal, he won’t go to the police.
Tracie: So we’ve got two major cases to find out.
99: You’ll certainly have your work cut out for you. But then again, if what Zach says is true about Bellini, I’ll have my work cut out.
Zach: Believe me, Mom. He’s a pip.
Maxine: So what’s our cover on this, Dad?
Max: The three of us are reporters for the Times. We’re here to interview Bellini and Mr. Zacharina here for a cover story on the arts in Washington.
Tracie: Sounds like a cool story. [to 99] What’re you going to do?
99: I get to play myself for this mission. Due to the international aspects, I get to watch Bellini and make sure nothing happens to him.
Just then, there’s a knock on the door. The group grow tense at the prospect of another attack on Zach.
Zach: [to door] Who is it?
Voice: It’s Bell, sir.
Zach: [to group] It’s the manager. Quick, hide that body.
The group get together and hide the body of the Man back in the closet and soon settle themselves. Zach opens the door and on the other side is a little man with horn-rimmed glasses.
Bell: I’m sorry to disturb you, Mr. Zacharina. [looks at group] Excuse me folks.
Zach: [in a loud booming voice] [sarcastically] It’s fine. Feel free to barge in at any time you feel like it. Dumb Americans! It’s all about finding out what goes on behind closed doors, isn’t it?
Bell: I really am sorry, Mr. Zacharina.
Zach: It’s fine. These are just some reporters here to take interviews. What’s a paper without the name of the Great Zacharina in them?
Max: I’m Chip Winters, editor of the Times. [shakes hands with Bell] These are my top reporters, Tracie Lewis and Scoop McDaniels. [points to 99] I’m sure you recognize Mrs. Maxwell Smart.
Bell: Of course, of course. [shakes hands] I‘m Jason Bell, the manager of the Gallagher Theater. [to Zach] Again, I’m terribly sorry to disturb you, Mr. Zacharina, but Senior Bellini wanted me to confirm your rehearsal at nine tomorrow.
Zach: [annoyed] Yes, I am well aware of Senior Bellini’s request. You tell him I’ll be there tomorrow, so he needed worry. Just tell him he’d better know what he’s doing. The Great Zacharina refuses to be embarrassed!
Bell: Yes, sir, Mr. Zacharina. I’ll tell him right away. [about to leave]
99: Um, Mr. Bell, I hate to bother you when you’ve got so much on your mind, but would you mind showing me to Senior Bellini’s dressing room. On behalf of the United States Congress, it’s my duty to make sure Senior Bellini is as comfortable as possible.
Bell: [smiling] Of course, Mrs. Smart. Right this way. [both leave]
Max: [sarcastically] [to Zach] Well, you certainly have the bossiness of a world class pianist.
Zach: Ha ha.
Max: Look, as long as we’re here, let’s check out the theater. I want to make sure there isn’t anything weird around here.
Tracie: [kisses Zach on the cheek] Be careful, huh?
Zach: [smiling] No problem, babe. [as they leave] Oh, hey. One more thing, guys.
Maxine: What’s that?
Zach: You mind taking my dead friend from the closet with you?
Max and girls leave Zach’s room, with a promise to get rid of the man in the closet, and decide on the next course of action.
Max: Alright, girls, here’s my plan. Max, you get to CONTROL and have some guys escort Zach’s new friend from his closet, then find out what you can about him. I have a feeling he wasn’t a fan trying to get an autograph.
Maxine: Okay, Daddy. [about to leave]
Max: Hey! Meet us back here at 9am tomorrow. [Maxine nods and leaves] Trace, I think the two of us should split up.
Max: Let’s see. How bout we both take the first floor? I’ll take one half, you take the other. Find out who else is in the building.
Tracie: Good idea.
Max: And be careful. Zach would never forgive me if I let something happen to you.
Tracie: [smiles] I’ll be alright, Daddy. [kisses him on the cheek]
The two split up and go in opposite directions. Max’s trail leads him on to the stage. He starts looking around and checking out the piano. Max’s ego gets the best of him and he starts to play chopsticks silently on the keys. Max is enjoying his musical skills, but the man behind him isn’t.
Man: What are you doing? [startles Max]
Max: [scared and surprised] Having a mild heart attack. [turns to face man] You really shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. You could kill someone.
Man: I asked you a question, buddy. Who are you and what are you doing here?
Max: I’m Chip Winters, editor of the Washington Times. A couple of reporters and I are here to interview the Great Zacharina and Senior Bellini.
Man: [loosens up] Oh. I’m terribly sorry then. I’m David Monroe, I’m the night guard here. Sorry for scaring you. I wasn’t aware people were still hanging around here.
Max: Quite alright. Just doing your job, I guess.
Monroe: Yeah. Well, listen. The building closes in another 15 minutes. I expect you and your reporters are gone by then. [leaves]
Max: [to camera] Special friend number 1.
Meanwhile, Tracie had found herself by the theater’s offices at the other end of the hall. Nothing seemed to be of any interest until she noticed one of the offices was open and had a light shining through. She moved cautiously to the door and listened. Inside, two voices could be heard, a man and a woman’s.
Man: Is everything in place for the Bellini concert?
Woman: It should be. He and that pianist are having a rehearsal tomorrow morning at 9.
Man: Good. Incidentally, about that pianist…
Woman: What about him?
Man: He reminds me of someone.
Woman: You don’t think he’s a real pianist?
Man: If he is, he’s very nosey. If he’s not, he’s certainly a very good fraud. I want him watched closely tomorrow. Make sure there’s nothing wrong with that piano.
Tracie thought she had heard enough. She moved away from the door and headed back for Zach’s dressing room. Unfortunately, the couple inside heard her heels as she walked away.
Man: [listening] What was that? [woman checks outside]
Woman: Someone just left here. A woman, I’m sure of it. She must have heard everything.
Man: Now, wait a minute. We don’t know that. Run a file check with KAOS and find out who this pianist really is.
Woman: What if he’s a CONTROL agent?
Man: If he is, he might not know what’s going on here. If he does know, he certainly will never live to tell about it.
Setting: The Gallagher Theater for the Arts. At 9 am sharp, the group met in Zach’s dressing room. Zach, meanwhile, was in the office of Dayton Pillby, rehearsing with Bellini.
Maxine: Our dead friend’s name was Michael Thompson, hired gun. I couldn’t find out if he was working with KAOS or not, but for coming in and trying to kill Zach, that’s pretty much a given.
Max: Okay. So we have one dead KAOS agent and a couple of people that could be KAOS agents, not to mention a very testy night watchman.
99: I’d like to mention an even testier opera star.
Tracie: Well, we’ve got a lot of suspects, but we lack something of importance.
Max: What’s that?
Max: Oh, those. Well, maybe we can get something from the rehearsal today. [looks at watch] Come on, we’re late.
The four leave the dressing room and head to Pillby office. From the tension inside, you’d think a hurricane had ripped through. Zach sat with his head on the piano, while Bellini paced back and forth. Jason Bell, along with two other men, tried to calm the two megastars down.
Man 1: Please! Senior Bellini, what is the problem now?
Bellini: [irate] I can not work this man!
Zach: [looks up] The feeling is mutual.
Bell: [seeing quartet in doorway] Ah! Look, the reporters are here! [to group] Please, come in, please! [quartet enter] Mr. Pillby, Mr. Birkmeyer, let me introduce you to three reporters of the Times. This is Mr. Chip Winters, the editor. Miss Scoop McDaniels and Miss Tracie Lewis, the reporters. [looks at 99] Oh, and this is Mrs. Smart. She’s watching over the affairs of Senior Bellini.
Bellini: That woman is back? [to 99] I thought I told you last night that I did not need to be babysitted!
99: [sarcastically] I’m fine, Senior Bellini. And yourself?
Bell: Gang, I’d like you to meet Mr. Dayton Pillby, the owner of the Gallagher Theater and Mr. Carl Birkmeyer, senior music critic for the New York Post. [shaking of hands around] [pointing to Bellini and Zach] And of course, our stars of the show, Senior Roberto Bellini and pianist, the Great Zacharina.
Bellini: [annoyed] The Great Zacharina indeed! The man is an outrage to the operatic world of music.
Zach: [standing] [also annoyed] And you sir, are a miserable little troll!
Birkmeyer: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please! If this was a wrestling organization, I’d book a match, but seeing as this is the refined community of artists, I would expect a little more dignity and sophistication.
Pillby: You’re absolutely right, CB. [dirty look from Birk.] Now, I didn’t pay you guys to have an all in out war. I paid you to play and sing music. You can not play and sing music if you’re at each other’s throats. It’s bad for business, you know. [separating both men] Now, let’s play nice and get this rehearsal over with. I’m a busy man, with busy plans.
The two stars parted and went back to their work. Zach sat at the piano, while Bellini took his place beside the 88s.
Zach: [annoyed] [to Bellini] From the top.
Zach started his intro and Bellini prepared for his entrance. The rest of the group sat in the various chairs placed in Pillby’s office. Max was the closest to Pillby.
Max: Tell me, Mr. Pillby, how long have you been the owner of the Gallagher?
Pillby: Only for about a year, Mr. Winters. And I can tell you, when dealing with guys like these, I wish I was back in accounts for the place.
Max: You used to be the accountant for the Gallagher?
Pillby: Yes, sir. That was before…I came into some wealth of my own. [smiles]
Meanwhile, Maxine and Tracie were talking to Birkmeyer.
Maxine: Mr. Birkmeyer, how’s New York this time of year?
Birkmeyer: Chilly. Much like the atmosphere in this room.
Tracie: You certainly pick your assignments, Mr. Birkmeyer.
Birkmeyer: I was hand chosen by some friends to cover this story. More like the clashing of two personalities.
Maxine: What friends put you up to this? They don’t sound like any friends of mine.
Birkmeyer: Are the two of you here to interview me or the battling brutes out there?
Tracie: We’re here to get a great story, Mr. Birkmeyer.
Birkmeyer: Yeah, well, I know just about every single reporter on this side of the ocean and I don’t believe I’ve ever seen the two of you or your editor at the Washington Times. If you’ll excuse me. [stands up to walk around]
Tracie and Maxine look at each other.
T & M: Special friend number 2.
The performance was stopped when Bellini missed his cue. Zach stopped playing and just looked at the man.
Zach: [sarcastically] Problems, Bobby? [evil glare from Bellini]
Pillby: Look, guys, why don’t you take a break? We’ve got all day to work this concert. That way, you guys can have your interviews. [smiles at Max and the girls]
Max: That’s an excellent idea, Mr. Pillby. We’ll talk to Mr. Zacharina first. That way, Mrs. Smart can have a chat with Senior Bellini. [look from 99]
99: Don’t leave me with him.
99: Don’t leave me with him.
Bellini: Mr. Bell, would you mind going out and getting me some water? [Bell nods and starts to leave] Bottled. None of that dirty sewer water that comes from your drinking fountains and sinks. [Bell leaves]
Max: [sarcastically] Why would I want to take you away from a man with so much charm and class? [chuckles]
99: [sarcastically] Ha ha.
The group splits up and Max and girls have a chance to talk to Zach alone.
Zach: Sorry about the outburst, you guys. This is been going on since I took this assignment. The man’s impossible. [to Max] And I totally think it was a rotten idea to leave Mom in there with him.
Max: Your mother’s a big girl. She can handle him. But back to the case at hand, what did you girls find out from Birkmeyer?
Maxine: Well, Daddy, Carl Birkmeyer is our new special friend.
Max: Another special friend? We must be on a roll this week.
Tracie: Yeah, but this special friend could lead to our being found out. He’s very suspicious. I think we should totally keep an eye on him.
Maxine: I agree.
Max: Okay. Well, Pillby told me he’s only been owner for about a year, but he was in the accountant for the theater before he bought it.
Zach: How do you buy a building like this on an accountant’s salary?
Max: Good question. He said he came into the money.
Tracie: Do you think he got an inheritance of some sort?
Maxine: I think he could’ve gotten the money from a higher power. Namely KAOS high command.
Max: Could be. Somehow this whole KAOS plot is tied in with Bellini’s threats.
Max: Well, that’s what we have to find out.
Maxine: Well, Daddy, the way I see it, we have a who, a where, and a why, but what we don’t have is a how and a what.
Max: You’re not going to start that again.
Maxine: Start what again?
Max: See? There you go.
The two leave Zach’s dressing room, still arguing, leaving Zach and Tracie alone.
Zach: [smiling] [locking door] Look, darlin’, we’re all alone.
Tracie: I guess I can do that interview now. [smiles]
Meanwhile, in the office of Dayton Pillby, 99 was again trying to reason with Bellini about his safety.
Bellini: That’s Senior Bellini to you!
99: [annoyed] Senior Bellini, I’m only here to make sure nothing happens to you. Now, your receiving threatening notes strikes a chord with the US. Especially if something were to happen to you…
Bellini: I assure you, Mrs. Smart, I’m a big boy and I don’t need the likes of…a little girl to protect me. I am the great Roberto Bellini! I’ve sung for presidents, kings, queens, ambassadors…I am the greatest tenor that ever lived! Opera has never been so pleasing than to have me, The Magnificent Roberto Bellini, sing the greats of the geniuses of the opera works! [pause] And what do you do, Mrs. Smart? In that big office of yours?
99: [annoyed beyond reason] Alright. I’ve had just about enough of this. Now, Senior Bellini, you may not like me and you may not need me, but I’m hear to tell you, if you want to live to see your next concert, you’d better start listening up. [Max and Maxine walk in] It’s my job, Senior Bellini, to care for the likes of people like you. Believe me, sir, if I had known what an insolate, berating ingrate that you are, I would’ve turn the job down. But I wasn’t given that luxury. Now, I just thought that maybe, just maybe, you could see to reason, but obviously I was wrong.
So let me get something through to that underdeveloped, pea-sized, ignorant, thick skull of yours. As long as I’m here, you’re going to be the nicest, politest, kindest man, so much so you think you’d burst with generosity. I’m here to do my job, Senior Bellini, and my job is to make sure you are still living in order to do your job. Are there any questions? [Bellini shakes his head no] [calmer] I didn’t think there would be. So we have an understanding? You do what you do, I do what I do and when I ask for something, you’d better be ready with an answer. If I say jump, you ask how high. Am I making myself perfectly clear, Senior Bellini?
Bellini: [nodding his head] [very intimidated] Yes, yes, Mrs. Smart. Crystal clear.
Max: [to Maxine] See? I told you she’d be okay. [to 99] Mind if we interview Senior Bellini, Mrs. Smart?
99: [still annoyed] Yes.
Max: Yeah, but…
99: Mr. Winters, I am not through with Senior Bellini. So if you wouldn’t mind, you and your reporters can interview him later.
Maxine was about to say something, when Max stopped her. He wasn’t about to get 99 mad at him for something someone else did.
Max: Absolutely. No problem. We’ll do it when he and Zacharina break for lunch.
99: [calmly] Thank you, Mr. Winters.
Max: [smiling] [leaving] [taking Maxine with him] My pleasure. [to Bellini] Goodbye, Senior Bellini. I’m sure you’ll have loads of fun. [leaves]
After the short break, Zach and Bellini got back to work and it was a totally different atmosphere. So when the group broke for lunch, Zach had to go over to Max and 99 to find out what was going on.
Maxine: Should I talk to Bellini now, Chief? [Zach comes over]
Max: Yeah, sure. Get everything you can. [to Zach] Hi.
Zach: [whispering] Hey, what’s going on?
Max: What do you mean?
Zach: What do I mean? This morning, Bellini was a raging tiger! Now, all of a sudden he’s a pussycat? [to 99] What exactly happened in here after we left?
99: I just gave Bellini an offer he couldn’t refuse.
Zach: Well, I guess so. [joined by Pillby & Birkmeyer]
Pillby: Bellini’s certainly a changed man. You must’ve said something that made him think differently, Mrs. Smart.
99: I have my little, subtle ways.
Pillby: Well, CB and I are heading out to lunch. Would you like to join us?
Max: Like to, but we can’t. We have interviews to get, you know. A reporter’s work is never done.
Birkmeyer: I bet.
Pillby: Well, I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. Winters, but I was mainly talking to Mrs. Smart. [smiling] [to 99] Well? How about it?
99: I wish I could, Mr. Pillby…
Pillby: Dayton, please.
99: [smiling] Dayton, but Mr. Winters has decided to interview me as well.
Pillby: Well! Then we’ll certainly have a story to sell, won’t we, CB? [nudging CB in the ribs]
Birkmeyer: I suppose.
Pillby: Well, we’ll see each other in about two hours. TTFN! [leaves with Birk]
Max: Hear that? We’ve got a good two hours to check this place out, top to bottom. [Bellini comes over]
Bellini: Excuse me, please. [to 99] Mrs. Smart, might it be alright if I head out to lunch?
99: Fine. [Bellini starts to leave] But I want you back here in half an hour. [Bellini nods and leaves]
Max: [watches Bellini] You’re giving him an awfully long leash, aren’t you?
99: What’s that suppose to mean?
Zach: You’re letting our meal ticket walk away.
Max: [to Maxine] Well, don’t just stand there. Be the ace reporter you are and go follow him.
Maxine: [annoyed] Yes, sir. [follows after Bellini]
Tracie: What do we look for first, Chief?
Max: Well…[looks around] As long as we’re in here, let’s start here first.
The four split up and start to search the office of Dayton Pillby. After about forty-five minutes, the group hadn’t turned up anything.
Max: [nodding] Nothing.
Just then, the four heard a woman’s shrill scream. They all look up.
The four hurry out of the office to find where the screams were coming from. They search brought them under the catwalk.
Zach: [looking up] Hey, Pop! Up there!
Standing on the catwalk was a woman, backing slowly away from someone else, wearing all black. The four ran over to where the ladder was and started to climb up. At this time, the thing had grabbed the woman and it looked like he was trying to choke her. With a fatal step, the woman lost her balance and came crashing down to the floor. Max and Zach jumped from the ladder and rushed over the woman’s limp, lifeless body.
Zach: [checking pulse] She’s dead.
Setting: The dressing room of the Great Zacharina. Max, Zach, and the girls sat in the dressing room, trying to put the pieces of this fascinating puzzle together.
Max: [pacing] Zach, who else works at this theater?
Zach: Well, there’s Jodi, the ticket attendant, um…Dale and the two Dans in lighting, not to mention the musicians that are also employed here…
99: So basically, we have a theater full of suspects.
Maxine: Maybe not. I mean, whoever was left in the theater, is obviously our murderer.
Tracie: Yeah, but who? Just because we saw people leave doesn’t mean they couldn’t have come back.
Max: Max, what did you find out on that woman?
Maxine: [taking out notepad] Amanda Baber, alias Amanda Haverstick, alias Lisa Johns, alias Katherine O’Connell…too many names to go on for now. But you’ll be happy to know, we have our first KAOS suspect. Of course, she’s dead, but still.
Max: [annoyed] Maxine…
Maxine: Turns out Miss Baber or whoever she is, was working here as a secretary for…get this… Dayton Pillby.
Zach: So Pillby’s our man. Of course! It makes sense. Everything’s been explained.
Max: [annoyed] Nothing has been explained! So we have a link to Pillby. That’s a start. [starts to pace] I tell you, gang. This is a case like no other.
As Max talks, Zach, who’s sitting at the piano, starts to play some background music to Max’s speech.
Max: We have a variety of suspects, very little clues in sight. Nothing upsets me more than a dirty KAOS plot. A plot in which there seems to be no end to the macabre, underhanded tactics they’ll use, but they have one thing to fear. As long as CONTROL is up and running, we will not tolerate their heinous ways and plans. [Zach’s big climax] Because I said so. And because we stand for everything that’s good, [Cadence] fine, [Cadence] and decent in the world. [Cadence, 5-1] [looks at Zach]
Zach: Mood music. [look from Max] It was a great speech, Pop.
Max: I know that. [pause] I wonder what happened to that night watchman.
99: Special friend number 1? [Max nods]
Tracie: You want us to go find him, Daddy?
Max: Yeah. His name’s David Monroe. [girls start to leave] And talk to 22 while you’re out. He’s stashed in the musical instruments section.
The girls leave the dressing room and first look for Agent 22 in the musical instruments section. They discover the instruments are in the orchestra pit, due to a performance scheduled that night. They look everywhere, but they can’t seem to find 22.
Maxine: I don’t get it, Trace. [looking some more] Where the hell is he? [Tracie shrugs]
Suddenly, from one of the timpanis, the cover is removed and out pops 22.
22: Who you girls looking for?
Tracie: Agent 22. Have you seen him? [shakes his head no] Well, if you see him… [stops] [looks at 22] 22!
Maxine: Where the hell have you been?
22: In this big drum thingie.
Maxine: [annoyed] Call it by it’s proper name! It’s called a timpani.
22: Timpani, big drum thingie…it’s basically all relative.
Maxine lunges after 22, but is stopped by Tracie.
Tracie: [to Maxine] You’re getting as bad as your brother.
Maxine: That’s because I never noticed what a little pain 22 can be sometimes.
22: What can I help you girls with?
Tracie: A woman was just murdered.
22: I know. I heard.
Maxine: [annoyed] And?
22: And what?
Tracie: [annoyed] Did you see anything?
22: You mean the identity of the killer? [girls nod] No, I didn’t. I can’t really see anything from this big drum thingie. [look from Maxine]
22: Whatever. I can tell you this place runs like a KAOS office.
Tracie: Why do you say that?
22: Well, from what I can hear, and that usually comes from those gossips in the trumpet and trombone sections, that the head guy is running the show.
Maxine: [to Tracie] So it is Pillby.
22: Yeah, but he’s not working alone. I’m sure you guys know about information being snuck out through performances.
Tracie: We’re well aware of it, yes.
22: Well, the guy obviously has accomplices. I’ve been sitting back here, just watching the show play out and I have a theory.
The girls look at each other in annoyance and skepticism. If this was another ploy by 22 in order to get into Team Smart, so help them…
Maxine: Oh hell. We missed your birthday last year. What’s your theory, 22?
22: I think KAOS is planning on taking over the world. [girls are not amused]
Tracie: [annoyed] That’s it?
22: [annoyed] No, that’s not it. See, KAOS plans on getting information out through music, right? Well, they’ll end up taking over the world. Then…they’ll make us watch public boom boom so we can’t tell the boom boom about our boom boom. [girls are highly annoyed]
Maxine: [annoyed] 22…you’ve been in that timpani too long. Now I order you to find some other means of hiding.
22: [sarcastically] Oh, you order me? Is that from the Great Mountain Smart? Are you going to part the Red Sea, oh great Moses of Smart? Perhaps I like it here in my little timpani, as you would call it. Not that anyone cares. I’ve been here for a good week straight and this is the first time anyone’s come to see me. [starts crying] You don’t care about me. I’m just your puppet that you can hide anywhere at your will. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to the confines of my big drum thingie. [goes back inside]
Maxine: It’s called a timpani, damn it!
Tracie: [annoyed] Forget 22.
22: [from inside timp] That’s right. Forget 22. Just forget him.
Tracie: [annoyed with 22] We have to find that night guard. [girls leave]
Meanwhile, Zach’s dressing room had been besieged with our lovely cast of characters.
Birkmeyer: Do you mean to tell me a woman was pushed off the catwalk?
99: That’s what we’re telling you, Mr. Birkmeyer.
Pillby: But why? Why would anyone want to murder anyone in my lovely little theater?
Just then, Bellini rushed in, very excited.
Max: Problem, Senior Bellini?
Bellini: I got a phone call. It said if I do not stay out of the way, I’m a dead man.
Max: Great. Now we have two problems on our hands. [the girls come back]
Maxine: [whispers to Max] Daddy, we need to talk to you.
Max: [to group] Don’t worry, folks. My cracker jack team and I will come to the bottom of this. So, if you’ll all just leave us to finish our interview with Mr. Zacharina…
Birkmeyer: Hold it. Don’t you think the police should take care of this case?
Max: My dear Mr. Birkmeyer, we are the musicians that make the music and the dreamers who dream. [CB confused] Thank you. We’ll be seeing all you really soon. [closes door behind everyone] [to Maxine] You find him? The night watchman I mean.
Tracie: Yeah, we found him alright.
Maxine: Stuffed in a corner. Dead.
Trio: Dead? [girls nod]
Zach: Whoa. Two murders in one day. This case is getting weirder by the minute.
99: This case is getting dangerous by the minute. Max, what’re we going to do?
Max: Let’s not panic. Now, just because there’ve been two murders, a couple of threatening notes to our opera brat, and a variety of suspects, doesn’t mean we’re beaten, gang.
Zach: [sarcastically] Yeah. It just means we’ve been pulverized.
Max: That is not what it means. Now, we have tomorrow morning to figure this thing out before Zach goes on stage tomorrow night. All we have to do is go over all the clues we have.
99: We don’t have any!
Max: [disappointed] Oh yeah. I forgot. Well, we’ll think of something before tomorrow night. [pause] I hope.
Before too long, it was already the next day and heading into the night. Zach and Bellini had been practicing all day and there didn’t seem to be any problems. The rehearsal was wonderful. That afternoon, the group broke for lunch. Max and the girls decided to question Jodi and the boys in lighting; 99 went to lunch with Pillby and Birkmeyer; and Zach decided to hang out a little longer on stage with the piano.
Zach started playing around and ended up playing Mozart’s Minute Waltz. As he played happily, a couple of large men walked up behind him. Zach continued his happy playing, until he realized something big and mean was behind him. His playing skills suffer as he looks up with fear and the Minute Waltz is turned in a mealy of distortion and retarded playing. Zach stops playing and turns around slowly to see the guys behind him.
Zach: [scared] Hi boys.
Man 1: We’re here to tune the piano.
Zach: Oh. [relaxes] Oh! Well, no need gentlemen. Piano’s playing just fine.
The second man picks Zach off the bench and holds him up.
Man 1: I said we’re here to tune the piano.
Zach: [scared] By all means, tune away. [gets dropped]
Zach leaves the stage and soon meets up with Max and the girls.
Zach: Find anything?
Maxine: Dale in lighting says he didn’t see anything until he got back to lunch.
Tracie: Dan #1 was in the booth all day and said he saw the guy on the catwalk, but didn’t see his face and Dan #2 says he talked to our watchman friend Mr. Monroe a good hour before we found him dead.
Max: Jodi in tickets said she didn’t see anyone unusual come in or out of the theater yesterday. Just Pillby, Bell, Birkmeyer, and us.
Zach: Geez. Back to square one, huh?
Tracie: Correction. Back to square zero. We never had a square one.
Max: Look, I’ve got an idea. [looks around] [to Zach] Let’s head over to your dressing room.
The four head for Zach’s room, unaware that Bell had heard some of their conversation. Back in Zach’s dressing room, Max continued his idea.
Max: Okay. My idea is this…
Zach: Pop, I hate to interrupt, you know that.
Max: What is it, Zach?
Zach: Well, I just think this being of national security and all…
Max: [annoyed] Zach, we do not have time to go and use the Cone of Silence at CONTROL.
Zach: Oh I know. Believe me, I know. So, before this case, I had the Closet of Silence installed in my dressing room.
Maxine: Is this the same Closet of Silence where we first met our dead KAOS friend?
Zach: [uncomfortable] Oh yeah. [to Max] You were saying, Pop?
Max: I was saying, after everything that’s happened, I have a theory.
Tracie: What’s your theory, Chief?
Max: My theory is, Dayton Pillby is the KAOS mastermind behind this whole plot. Monroe, Baber, and that Thompson guy were all tied in to this, but for some reason were killed. Now, if we just find out why and how, everything will be solved.
Maxine: That’s a great idea, Dad. So, if we already know who, when, where, and what, the only things to find is why and how.
Max: Right. But you’re wrong about when.
Zach: Not what. When.
Tracie: Why is she wrong about when?
Max: Cause we don’t know when.
Trio: We don’t.
Max: No, we don’t. Who is obviously KAOS and that is obviously Pillby. Where is obviously the Gallagher Theater. What is the music or tie in with the music being performed. But we don’t know when they plan on doing another send out, we don’t know how they’re doing it, and we don’t know why Monroe, Baber, and Thompson were murdered.
Zach: Actually, Pop, we do know why Thompson was murdered. He was trying to kill me, remember?
Max: Oh yeah. Forget about Thompson then. But I think I made my point.
Zach: Well, then Dad, don’t you think it might have been a bad idea to let Mom go to lunch with Pillby and Birkmeyer?
Max: No. Because of two reasons. One, you’re mother is a big girl, she can take care of herself. And two, I think Mr. Birkmeyer is on our side. Therefore if anything happens, he’ll be there. Look, here’s what we’ll do. Tonight at the concert, we’ll confront Pillby and have him arrested. Then we can find out if KAOS has been threatening Bellini or what.
Zach: That’s a good idea, Pop.
Max: I know.
Day turned to night and the house was packed for the performance of the wonderful tenor Roberto Bellini and pianist, The Great Zacharina. It was an hour till the show and Max had told 99 of his plan to confront Pillby. He and girls headed for Pillby’s office, but were stopped by Birkmeyer.
Max: Ah Mr. Birkmeyer, nice to see you again.
Birkmeyer: Likewise, I’m sure. Where you going?
Max: We’re going to have a little talk with Mr. Pillby. It’s actually a matter of government importance.
Max: Well, I guess I shouldn’t keep you in the dark. I mean, I know who you really are and you should know who we really are. You see, Mr. Birkmeyer, I’m not really an editor for the Times and these lovely ladies aren’t really reporters. I’m Maxwell Smart, Chief of CONTROL. My wife, you know and these are two of my agents. We came here undercover to stop government secrets from being broadcasted through tonight’s performance.
Birkmeyer: And you think Pillby’s the head of the whole thing.
Max: Exactly. Now, if you’ll kindly excuse us…
Birkmeyer: Can’t do that…Mr. Smart. [removes gun]
Max: Hey! You’re got a gun. That’ll certainly come in handy. [to girls] Look girls. Birkmeyer has a gun. [laughs]
Max looks at 99 and continues to laugh. He then looks at the girls on his right and continues to laugh. He looks at Birkmeyer and continues to laugh.
Max: [laughing] I so misjudged that, didn’t I? [four nod in agreement] [laughter turns to crying]
99: It was a valiant effort, Max. I’ll give you that.
Setting: The basement of the Gallagher Theater. After Max had stopped crying, Birkmeyer decided to tell them what was really going on.
Birkmeyer: I thought you guys weren’t who you said you were, but I had no idea you were CONTROL agents.
Maxine: What exactly do you have going on here?
Birkmeyer: It’s simple. There are ten KAOS couriers out in the audience tonight. We get information about your government and pass them on to the couriers.
Tracie: Through the music of course. While everyone else is listening to a concert, your boys are listening to code.
Birkmeyer: Smart girl. I take it that the Great Zacharina is also on your payroll, Chief?
Max: He’s not only on my payroll, he’s my son.
Birkmeyer: Well, then. Our decision about getting rid of two birds with one stone is well deserved.
99: What’re you talking about?
Birkmeyer: You see, Mrs. Smart, at tonight’s performance, your son and Senior Bellini will be sending out messages to our couriers. At the end of the final piece, or when Zacharina stops playing, a bomb will go off, killing both your son and Bellini.
99: Of course! That’s why he’s been getting threatening letters. It’s been a trick the whole time. That way no one suspects KAOS of any wrong doings and you don’t have a witness to your deeds.
Birkmeyer: [laughs] And I must say, when KAOS hears how the son of the Great Maxwell Smart of CONTROL passed along vital US government secrets to our couriers, they’ll have a field day.
Maxine: Well, what about us? You certainly can’t leave us down here.
Birkmeyer: Sure I can. After the two pigeons up there get blown to bits, I’ll just come back and kill you. There’s no way out of here, except through the door, which will be locked. Everyone will be out there, listening to the performance. No one will ever know you’re here.
Max: One more question before you go. You certainly had a nice set up here. The woman, Amanda Baber booked the concerts, Monroe the guard let in all the couriers…you and Pillby certainly had a lot to gain and nothing to lose.
Birkmeyer: [smiles] Still think Pillby’s involved, huh? Well, that’s one secret you’ll have to die without knowing. See you in a bit. [leaves and locks door]
Tracie: What’re we going to do now? I’m sure Zach’s noticed we’re not back yet.
Maxine: And the concert starts in five minutes. How’re we going to warn him what’s waiting for him out there?
Max: Don’t worry, girls, I’ve got a plan. [fidgets with his watch]
99: The watch phone!
Max: Yep. I just hope Zach’s wearing his communications device.
Upstairs, Zach paced back and forth. He hadn’t seen Max or any of the girls since they went off to get Pillby. And he was starting to get very worried. Just then, a hand landed on his shoulder.
Zach: [surprised] Just a little. Say, Mr. Bell, you haven’t seen those reporters or Mrs. Smart anywhere, have you?
Bell: [thinking] No. Not since this afternoon. During the rehearsal and before lunch. Why? Are you looking for them?
Zach: Well, I certainly don’t want to go out there and not have a reporter listening to me. I am playing solos tonight. I’m not just here to accompany Senior Bellini all night long. [Pillby comes over] [shocked] Mr. Pillby! What’re you doing here?
Pillby: You think I’d miss one of my concerts? This is a wonderful night, Mr. Zacharina! Have you seen that house? [pulls back curtain] Look at the people out there. [to Zach] Are you ready?
Zach: [pause] Well, yes! Of course.
Just then, the men hear a strange beeping. They look around and finally look at Zach.
Bell: I do believe your bow tie is beeping, Mr. Zacharina.
Zach: Oh! It’s my pager. It’s one of those new small pagers, so no one knows I’m wearing it. [chuckles nervously] If you’ll excuse me.
Pillby: Sure. But don’t take too long! You’re on in three minutes!
Zach hurries into the men’s room and looks around. Assured there was no one inside, he pressed a button inside his bow tie. An ear set and a microphone soon extended themselves from his bow tie and he started to talk.
Max: Well it’s about time you answered.
Zach: Dad! Where the hell are you guys? I go on in three minutes!
Max: Zach, listen to me. Birkmeyer is the KAOS agent, Pillby is not, but that’s the least of our troubles. We’re downstairs in the basement and we’re locked in. Try to get someone to unlock the door.
Zach: Sure, Pop, no prob, but…
Max: I’m not finished, Junior. Now listen, what’s the last song you’ll be playing tonight?
Zach: [thinking] Um…selections from The Barber of Seville. Why?
Max: Listen to me. Birkmeyer and his men have placed a bomb inside the piano that’s set to go off after you’ve stopped playing that last song.
Max: Zach, whatever you do, do NOT stop playing. If you do, you and Bellini are dead.
Zach: [confused] Well, alright, Pop, but what am I suppose to play then?
Max: [annoyed] Zach, do not ask me stupid questions like that! Play Mary had a Little Lamb for all I care, just don’t stop playing!
Zach: [confused] Okay Pop. I think I got it.
Max: Alright. The girls and I will figure out something to get out of here. Meanwhile, good luck.
Zach: On the case?
Max: And the performance. [hangs up] [to girls] Alright. That’s all set. Now to get out of here.
Maxine: Got a plan, Daddy?
Max: [pause] Yes. [pause] Of course I have a plan. [pause] We…we…we need to get out this room.
99: [sarcastically] Excellent plan, Max. [dirty look from Max]
Max: [annoyed] I wasn’t finished, 99. First things first. How long is this concert?
Tracie: Zach let me see the program order. There’re a lot of operatic pieces, performed by Bellini and then Zach’s doing his own solos with a couple of Beethoven and Mozart pieces. I say maybe an hour, hour and a half, give or take.
Max: Hmmm…that’s not bad. When did you see that program?
Tracie: This morning, when I was in Zach’s dressing room.
Max: Okay, good. Now I say…[pause] [to Tracie] You were in Zach’s dressing room this morning?
Tracie: Yes. Why? He is my fiancé after all.
Max: Tracie, I thought I gave you something to do this morning.
Tracie: And I did it! I got finished early, so I went to see Zach. I haven’t seen him this whole case.
Max: What’re you talking about? We’ve been with him this whole time!
Tracie: Well, I haven’t!
99: [annoyed] Guys! This is not the time for leisurely conversation! [to Max] Now Max, you were saying.
Max: I was saying that Tracie has been with Zach this whole…
99: [annoyed] Before that! [look from Max]
Max: I was saying, that we’d have plenty of time to get out of here. At any rate, we need to have more back up here then what we have now. Then, we need to get out of here and stop Birkmeyer and whoever else is involved in this thing.
Max used his watch phone to contact CONTROL and send over reinforcements. Meanwhile, the concert was going very well. Pillby and Bell had been joined by Birkmeyer, as they stood watching the concert from the wings. The hour of music was coming to close and even during intermission, Zach couldn’t get anyone down to the basement to unlock the door, so he decided to call CONTROL headquarters.
Zach went up after intermission, playing Beethoven’s Piano Sonata, then he was again joined by Bellini for a Mozart concerto and Zach again played a solo piece, this time playing a Duke Ellington piece. Finally, it was time for the selections from the opera, The Barber of Seville. The piece itself was about fifteen minutes long, but when it came time for the end, Zach ended up doing a cadenza and going into his jazz version of the Minute Waltz. From the wings, Birkmeyer was not pleased.
Birkmeyer: What the hell is he doing?
Pillby: Mozart, my good man. The Minute Waltz. [looking at Birk] For a music critic, I can’t believe…
Birkmeyer: [with gun in Pillby’s ribs] Shut up. [to Bell] This is not what we planned. He’s going to ruin everything!
Bell: Relax. He’s just being a show off.
Birkmeyer: That’s no ordinary pianist, Jason! That’s Maxwell Smart’s kid!
Meanwhile downstairs, Max and the girls had finally gotten out of their basement cell, thanks to the help of some janitors and some CONTROL agents. The four hurried upstairs to stop Birkmeyer, but were stopped themselves when they saw Birkmeyer holding Pillby at gunpoint.
Max: I guess I owe you an apology, Mr. Pillby.
Pillby: Perhaps you could tell me what’s going on.
Bell: Yes, Mr. Smart. What is going on here?
Max: Mr. Bell, Mr. Pillby…meet Carl Birkmeyer. He’s an agent for the evil organization of KAOS. He and his associates…who are now dead, I might add…have been using your shows to transmit government information by use of…[thinks] [to Bell] How did you know my last name was Smart?
Bell: [nervous] Excuse me?
Max: When you asked me what was going on, you called me Mr. Smart.
Bell: No, I didn’t. You must be hearing things. These old buildings can…sometimes play tricks on one’s ears.
Tracie: Then we all must be hearing things. I heard you call him Mr. Smart as well.
Max: How’d you know my last name was Smart?
Bell: This is preposterous!
99: Birkmeyer said Pillby wasn’t involved. Who else was here when we were? Why was it we didn’t catch on to Birkmeyer sooner?
Maxine: Cause he was always with Pillby. He always had an alibi.
Zach and Bellini were still on stage and Zach was doing his jazz renditions. Bellini finally walked over.
Bellini: Mr. Zacharina, what in the world are you doing?
Zach: [playing] My name isn’t Zacharina. It’s Smart, Zachary Smart of CONTROL. [see look on Bellini’s face] In other words, I’m Mrs. Smart’s son.
Bellini: I don’t understand.
Zach: To make a long story, Senior Bellini, there’s a bomb in this piano and if I stop playing, the two of us are blown to bits.
Bellini: How can I help you, Mr. Smart?
Zach: Know any Basie tunes?
Meanwhile, back behind the curtain, the Smarts were still tying everything together.
Max: The one person we never checked was Bell.
Bell: [withdrawing gun] The person you least suspect is usually the criminal, Mr. Smart. I had everything under control here, until Pillby purchased the building last year. But it gave me a great idea. Who would suspect a theater for the arts as a KAOS communications center? Everything was just fine, until I got word Mrs. Maxwell Smart would be handling Senior Bellini. I must say, I thought you might be snooping around, but I didn’t think you’d get in this deep.
Max: You’re the one who killed Baber and Monroe.
Bell: They were getting jumpy, especially when Amanda heard one of you sneaking around the other night. And when David told me he thought he recognized you as a CONTROL agent, Smart, they both panicked and wanted out of our…arrangement. So I had to get rid of them. But it doesn’t matter now. We’ve got Pillby and the three of us are going to be leaving here.
Birkmeyer turned and saw Parker on his left and went to fire, but Parker was quicker and fired first. The hit made Birkmeyer push Pillby out of the way and into Bell, who was knocked out by Max. Once Pillby was okay, Max and the girls hurried to the wings. Zach had convinced Bellini to sing a chorus of Duke Ellington’s Solitude.
Max: [calling to Zach] Zach! Everything’s okay now. Get Bellini out of there!
Zach continued playing with his left hand, as he stood up.
Zach: [to audience] Well folks, this gig has been a blast…[grabbing a hold of Bellini] but we need to blow.
With lightening quick speed, Zach pushed Bellini out of the way, just as the piano blew up. The audience was stunned for a minute, before giving up a round of glorious applause and then a standing ovation.
Zach: [listening to the crowd] [to Bellini] Hey, Bellini. Looks like we’re a hit. [smiles]
Setting: The Gallagher Theater, Zachary Smart’s dressing room. After Bell and the body of Birkmeyer had been taken away and after all the praises and autographs, Zach found himself back in his dressing room with his family.
Max: Sorry we missed your concert, Junior. We were really looking forward to it.
Zach: Hey, no biggie. You were saving the world, like always. Besides, you got to see my debut concert and that one was under no stress at all.
Tracie: [taking a seat on Zach’s lap] Think you’ll give up the spy world to become a concert pianist?
Zach: Are you kidding? No way. I can proudly say I’m an artist…with a license to kill. [laughter] But I will tell you something. I think this whole experience has changed Senior Bellini.
99: Well, I certainly hope so. I don’t know if I’d want anyone else to have to deal with him.
Zach: Well, I mean, not just that, but I think he’s making a whole new career change.
Maxine: You mean he’s going to stop being an opera star and is giving up music?
Zach: Well, he’s not giving up music, but I don’t think he wants to be an opera star anymore.
Tracie: Then what’s he going to be?
Zach: A jazz singer.
THE END CREDITS TO GET SMART!!!