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The Smart Anniversary Mix-Up

 

 

Setting: The office of the president of the United States. Some of the top generals and military men were in the office as well as the president. The meeting was of great importance and even included a couple of senators from Congress.

Prez: Gentlemen, [seeing the women in the room] and ladies, we are now up against a worse threat than we’ve ever had. One of KAOS’ so called “femme fatales” had virtually destroyed our military system single-handedly.

Senator #1: What exactly has this woman done?

Prez: Her name is Kit Kelly. She becomes romantically involved with our top military officers, seducing them, getting information from them, them killing them. We’ve already lost three top intelligence officers.

General #1: How much information has she gathered from us and what has she told KAOS?

General #2: Well, we know that KAOS has discovered our plans for a military base overseas. We think they might try to either stop the building from being built or infiltrate one of our employees. We really
can’t be sure of the motives, but we are aware that Mrs. Kelly does know a bit more than we suspect.

Senator #2: What are we going to do, Mr. President? We can’t allow KAOS to gather any more information about our government! We must stop Kit Kelly!

Prez: Don’t worry, gentlemen. I have the perfect candidate for the job. [on intercom]

Intercom: Yes, Mr. President?

Prez: Henson, get me Maxwell Smart on the phone immediately!

The scene changes to Robere’s, a very classy restaurant. As people move about, the camera moves through the people and stops at the table of Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart, who are kissing passionately.

99: [cuddling next to Max] Oh, Max. Can you really believe next Wednesday is our 25th anniversary?

Max: No, I can’t, 99.

99: Max, what did you get me?

Max: 99, I can’t tell you that! It’s a surprise.

99: [pauses] I’ll tell you what I got you.

Max: N…really? Whatcha get me?

99: Tell me what you got me first.

Max: I asked you first.

99: I asked you first.

Max: Well…I can’t tell you what I got you. [pause] Cause I haven’t got it yet.

99: [hurt] Max.

Max: Well, 99, 25 years is really something big and I want to get you something special and I just haven’t found it yet. But whatever it is, it will definitely come from my heart.

99: Oh, Max. [they kiss]

Soon, a waiter came by with a phone in his hand. He stopped by the table and cleared his throat to let them aware of his presence.

Max: [seeing waiter] [breaking kiss] Yes?

Waiter: Phone call for you, Mr. Smart. [hands Max phone]

Max: [taking phone] Thank you. [waiter leaves] [on phone] Hello?

Scenes change to Max’s office at CONTROL headquarters. His son, Zachary, is the culprit for the phone call. The scenes switch back and forth.

Zach: Dad, sorry to disturb you, but the president needs to talk to you right away.

Max: Right now? But, [looks at 99] your mother and I having lunch. Are you sure this can’t wait?

Zach: President said it was urgent and he needs you in his office.

Max: [whining] But, Zach…

Zach: Dad, I tried telling the president you were elsewhere and he told me do whatever I had to in order to get the message to you. He said he wants you in his office in the next twenty minutes.

Max: [sighs] Fine, Zach. Tell him I’ll be there in like five minutes.

Zach: Sorry to bring you such bumming news, Pop.

Max: [disappointed] It’s fine.

Zach: No, really, Pop. I feel awful about this. Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll have lunch with Mom. [pause] It will too be the same! We’re both charming individuals! [snickering] I wonder why. Come on, Dad. There’s nothing you can do with Mom that I can’t. [long pause] Well, yes, I guess that is something I can’t do. [pause] Yes, I am sorry I asked.

 

 

THE NEW OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!

 

 

Setting: CONTROL headquarters, office of Maxwell Smart, Chief of CONTROL. Max stood behind his desk, on the phone. Zach, his sister Maxine, and Agent 66 all walked in, a little surprised to see him.

66: [to Zach] I thought you said the Chief was in a meeting with the president.

Zach: He is. Don’t ask me why he’s here.

Max: [on phone] Yes, Mr. President, I was a tad bit delayed. [pause] No, I wasn’t aware that my son told you I was having lunch with my wife. [looks at Zach, who turns away] Yes, sir, I’ll be there as soon as possible. Thank you, sir. [hangs up] [to Zach] Tattletale!

Zach: What! He needed to know where you were and I told him you were having a romantic dinner with my mother. If it’s any constellation, I did mention it was your 25th anniversary next week. [smiling] I think the president might get you something.

Max: [sarcastically] Oh, boy. The only thing the president can get me is the week off.

Maxine: Oh Dad, that reminds me. The surprise anniversary party is Wednesday morning in Mom’s office.

Max: Hey, that’s great. Did you get a cake and everything?

Maxine: Yeah, but we’re trying to get your names on it, so it’s not ready quite yet.

66: Chief, you’re throwing a surprise anniversary party for you and your wife?

Max: Yeah. It’ll also be a bon voyage party as well. I found out your mother got plane tickets.

Zach: Really? To where?

Max: I don’t know. I really couldn’t find that out.

66: [sarcastically] You guys really view this job as a craft, don’t you?

Max: Ha ha. I’ll see you guys in a couple of minutes.

Max hurries out the door and almost collides with 99. They say hi and give each other a passionate kiss.

Zach: Dad, the president.

Max: [breaking kiss] Right. [to 99] See you later. [leaves]

99: Where’s he off to?

Zach: Meeting with the president. He missed the earlier one today. [looks at 99]

99: That wasn’t my fault.

Maxine: Oh Mom, by the way, the surprise anniversary party is going to be here Wednesday morning.

99: Perfect.

66: Wait! Wait, wait. Mrs. Smart, YOU’RE throwing an anniversary party for you and the Chief?

99: Of course. I always do the opposite of what Max does. He thinks he’s throwing me a party at my office Wednesday morning, but we’re going to surprise him and have it here.

66: That does sound like a good plan. [slightly confused]

Zach: So, Mom, what brings you here? And I certainly hope it’s not just cause Dad works here.

99: [smiling] No, but that is sort of a bonus. [holds up folder] I came over to give this to your father. It’s the KAOS profile of Kit Kelly.

Maxine: Kit Kelly, one of KAOS’ s femme fatales.

66: She romances high officials in order to get government secrets and hand them over to KAOS.

Zach: Yeah. Have you noticed how KAOS is just using their women agents for information now a days? Just using them as sex objects to attract the opposite sex. [shakes head] I would never fall for anything like
that.

66: [sarcastically] Oh, you wouldn’t, would you? I seem to remember a case just recently when you went after one of KAOS’ femme fatales and started dating her.

Zach: That was strictly business, 66.

Maxine: What about that time when you went after Martha Harry and she continued to write you from prison?

Zach: Dad wanted me to go after her! You stood there yourself and listened how he tricked me into taking that case.

66: And what about that time…

Zach: [annoyed] Alright! So KAOS’ plan is working, but oh, I see how it is. I go out with the lovely women of KAOS for the American public and I’m a leach, but let her [pointing to 66] go out with the second
in command at KAOS and she’s a saint. That’s…that’s not right.

99: Okay, everyone just calm down. The point to all of this is the fact that KAOS is at it again. The important thing right now is figuring out how to stop them and I think that’s what the president is
doing right now with Max.

Scene cut to the president’s office. Max is standing at his desk, while the president paces back and forth across the floor.

Prez: Smart, I assume you’ve heard of Kit Kelly by now.

Max: Yes, sir. Member of the KAOS femme fatales since 1974, originally from Georgia, has been married nine times, each of her husbands being officers in the military’s highest positions and also being killed
in some sort of accident only a year or two into the marriage.

Prez: Good, then you’ll also know she’s at it again. This time, she’s passing information on to KAOS’ s highest office and I’m sure you know who occupies those offices.

Max: Yes, sir. Conrad Siegfried, Jr., head of KAOS high command and Thomas Hill, second in command. Two of the deadliest forces KAOS has ever seen.

Prez: Smart, do you know why you’re Chief of CONTROL?

Max: Because my kids are agents at CONTROL and my wife’s a member of Congress and they really pulled for me to get it?

Prez: [pause] Yes, basically. That and the fact that you really know KAOS and they know you. I need the best possible man on this case, Maxwell.

Max: Done. I’ll assign the case to my son as soon as I…

Prez: No, Smart, I need YOU on this case.

Max: What exactly do I have to do?

Prez: Rumor has it that Mrs. Kelly’s next stop is that of our central intelligence offices. First the CIA, then the FBI, and then worst of all…

Max: Us?

Prez: No! The Better Business Bureau! But you have hit the hammer on the nail, Smart. KAOS would like nothing better than to infiltrate CONTROL headquarters. And that’s where you come in.

Max: [confused] Me, sir?

Prez: Smart, I want you to have yourself wined and dined by Kit Kelly.

Max: But, Mr. President, I…I can’t. My 25th wedding anniversary is next week, I…I couldn’t possibly…

Prez: With all due respect, Smart, for once forget about your wife and concentrate on your duty.

Max: [angered] Mr. President, if you’re telling me…

Prez: Smart…Maxwell, listen. This might be a hard decision for you to make, so why don’t you go home, discuss it with the congresswoman and get back to me. Okay?

Max: Alright, sir. What time should I get back to you?

Prez: No later than 3pm this afternoon.

Max: [looking at watch] But that’s only an hour and a half from now!

Prez: Exactly. The destruction of our government and our world wait for no one, Smart. [sitting down behind desk] You’d better hurry. Time’s ticking away.

Max leaves in a shocked and stunned state. In his heart, he knew nothing would ever make him cheat on 99, not even for a case. The scene shifts to the office of Mrs. Kit Kelly, where we see her talking on the phone in a rich southern accent.

Kelly: Yes, sir, Conrad, I do believe I have my next target. Gen. Ambrose Hartly. He’s a Navy man. I do love a man in uniform. [pause] What’s that, honey? Maxwell Smart? Oh no, Connie, darling. I do NOT go after married men. I’ve tried that before and they always give the best presents to their wives. You’ve what? [pause] [confused] Arranged it so they won’t be married?

The scene switches to the office of Conrad Siegfried, Jr. In his office is also Thomas Hill and Shtarker, Junior’s right hand man.

Junior: That’s right, Kit, darling. KAOS is in the process of erasing any evidence that Agents 86 and 99 were ever married. Word has it from the White House that Maxwell Smart has exactly until three o’clock
to decide whether or not he’ll be your next husband. I assure you, Kitty, baby, Maxwell Smart will be a single man by the end of the day.

Junior: [hangs up][to Hill and Shtarker] Well, gentlemen, our plan is in place. By the end of the day, Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart will be no more. By the end of the week, Kit Kelly will have Smart wrapped around her little finger and by the end of the month, KAOS will have not only destroyed CONTROL, but Team Smart, and the Smarts themselves! [they all laugh]

Scene cut to the office of Maxwell Smart in CONTROL headquarters. Zach and Maxine are sitting in the office, looking through the profile folder of Kelly, when Max walks in, rather out of sorts.

Zach: Dad! Where’ve you been? It’s almost 2:30pm!

Max: It is? [looks at watch] Is your mother still here?

Maxine: She left hours ago. And she called, looking for you.

Max: [walking over to the phone] I have to call her.

Max picks up the receiver, then puts it down again.

Max: I have to call the president first.

Max picks up the receiver, then puts it down again.

Max: No, I should call your mother.

Max again picks up the phone and puts it down.

Max: But I have to give that answer to the president by 3pm today.

Again Max picks up the phone.

Max: Who should I call? 99 or the president?

Maxine: Dad, call your wife.

Zach: Nah, Pop. If it’s that important, call the president.

Maxine: Dad, is something wrong?

Max: [sitting down] Yes and no. [seeing the folder in Zach’s hands] What’s that?

Zach: Oh, this is the profile folder Mom dropped off for you earlier. It’s on Kit Kelly.

Max: Zachary.

Zach: Yes, Dad?

Max: Kit Kelly might be trying to infiltrate CONTROL.

Zach: And you want me to take case?

Max: Well, [looking at phone] we’ll know in a minute.

Max picks up the receiver and starts to dial the White House number. As Max is waiting for the president, 99 rushes in, rather upset.

99: Max, I have to talk to you.

Max: [covering phone with hand] Not now, 99. I really have to talk to the president. [on phone] Hello, Mr. President? Chief Maxwell Smart here.

99: Max, this is really important. [holding up a piece of paper] You have to read this.

Max: Mr. President, I’ve been thinking about what you said today, sir, and I’m sorry, but my family comes first.

99: [whining] Maxwell!

Max: Yes, Mr. President, I…could you excuse me for one minute. [annoyed] [to 99] What!? What? What is so important…

99: [annoyed herself] Here. [hands Max the paper]

Max takes the paper and starts to read it while still talking to the president.

Max: Sorry about the interruption, Mr. President. You were…

Max stops short from his sentence as he continues reading what 99 had given him. A look of shock comes over his face and he turned to look at 99.

Max: Are you absolutely sure this is right?

99: I had it checked by two different people. They said it has to be right.

Max: But, 99, that’s impossible. That would mean…[pause] Do you have any idea what that means?

99: [takes paper] Of course I know what that means!

All this time, the president is yelling on the other end of the phone. Max finally hears his yelling and gets back on the receiver.

Max: [on phone] [over yelling of prez] Mr. President, can I call you back? Thanks. [hangs up] [looks at 99]

Zach: [looking at his parents] Hey, what’s going on? What’s that paper all about?

Max and 99 look at each other, then at the twins, and back at each other again, trying to come up with an explanation.

99: Well, I was…looking for anything else on Kit…uh..Kelly…

Max: You see, that…that…that paper…is…is like…

After a while, their sentences seem to be running together and they’re just rambling on and on. Finally, Maxine stops them and demands an answer.

Maxine: One of you, tell us what’s going on. 

99: Well…uh…[looks at Max, then back at the twins] According to this, [holding up paper] your father and I…were never married.

 

******COMMERCIAL BREAK******

 

Setting: The CONTROL delicatessen. Zach and Maxine had gone down there to leave their parents to talk about the unthinkable happenings.

Zach: I can’t believe it. I…I can’t believe it.

Maxine: Zach, don’t panic. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for this.

Zach: Sure, it’s simple. We’re bastard children!

Maxine: [annoyed] Zach, get a grip on reality. We are not bastard children. It’s a mistake. Mom and Dad will have it figured out in a couple of minutes and then we can throw them the surprise party.

66 enters the deli and sees Max and Zach and comes over to the table.

66: Hey guys, what’s up?

Zach: We’re bastard children.

Maxine: Shut up! We are not! [to 66] We’ve had some rather disturbing news.

66: Apparently. [pointing at Zach] What’s he babbling about?

Maxine: Mom found this paper today that says she and Dad were never married and Zach of the Loony Bin thinks we’re bastard children.

66: What? First off, in order to be bastard children you would’ve had to be born out of wedlock and not known your father and secondly, that’s crazy. You’re parents are the most loving married couple I’ve ever
known.

Zach: Well, you know what this means. We’ll have to cancel the party.

66: The one your mom’s throwing?

Maxine: No, the one we’re throwing. We were going to throw it at the house before the one Mom was throwing and the one Dad was throwing.

66: [looks at Maxine] [pause] Yeah. So what’re your parents going to do?

Maxine: Well, they’re upstairs right now, thinking of something.

The scene switches upstairs to Max’s office, where Max is pacing back and forth across the floor as 99 hangs up the phone from Max’s chair behind the desk.

Max: [pacing] 99, we have to get to the bottom of this. I mean, this…this…[speechless] [continues pacing]

99: Max, I’ve called everyone that I can think of that could possibly know about this and they all said the same thing. It could be a graphical error or a typo of some kind or…

Max: [looks at 99] Or?

99: Or… [starts crying] We were never married!

Max: 99…99, please don’t cry. Of course we’re married. I mean, we have children! Of course, we’re married! [pauses] I hope. [looks at watch] Uh…look, it’s almost three, I have to call the president back. [picking up phone]

99: What’re you calling the president for?

Max: I have to accept this case he gave me. I… [looks at 99] [on phone] Mr. President? It’s…Oh. You guessed it was me. [laughs a little] I’m sorry about earlier, sir, but I found out something that was…a little disturbing, so to speak. But that’s why I’m calling again. It’s about the case. I will be able to take it. Yes, sir. Well, [looking at 99] I’m not sure that’s a problem anymore. [pause] She’s calling when? Oh. Yes, yes, that’s fine. Yes, sir. Yes, I’m aware what this will do for the country. I’m also aware what this is going to do to my marriage. [looking at 99 again] If we can call it that. Yes. Goodbye, sir. [hangs up]

99: [concerned] What was that about?

Max: [hesitant] Well, 99…the president asked me to take the Kit Kelly case today and be…her next victim, I guess and originally I refused, but with circumstances as it appears…

99: [hurt] Oh. Well, Max, it is for the country and you are doing your job, no less. If this…is what you…have to do…good thing this whole happened then, huh? [laughs nervously]

Max: [laughs nervously] Yeah. [thinks about it] Wait, no. No! No, of course not! That’s a horrible thought. This…this…this is business. Just business, you know that.

99: (nods) Of course.

However, both Max and 99 are very uncomfortable with these events and the decision Max has made. But in other parts of the city, there is tons of joy being celebrated in the wake of the decision.

Hill: [hanging up phone] I just got off the phone with one of our agents who tapped into the phone lines at the precise moment Maxwell Smart announced to the president he would be on the Kit Kelly case. Conrad, your plan is working to the tee!

Junior: Of course! I’m not head of KAOS for looks, you know. [on intercom] Get Kit Kelly on the phone. Tell her we just got her the best victim this side of the Mississippi! [laughs]

Hill: Tell me, Conrad, what will the next phase be?

Junior: Simple. With Smart going out with another woman, it’ll prove to Mrs. Smart that the marriage is over. I’m sure in the beginning they’ll think about getting married again, but this is Smart we’re talking
about. The so-called “ladies man”. He’ll enjoy the taste of single life so much, he’ll forget he even HAD a wife, thus ending any hopes for the Smarts. Zachary and Maxine will be so crushed by their parents split, they’ll find it hard to work together…

Hill: Thus putting a strain on Team Smart. And with a strain on Team Smart…

Junior: CONTROL will be ours. [laughs] If we make this good enough, we might just be able to walk in and take what ever we want.

Hill: [mischievous grin] Anything?

Junior: [smiling] Still have your sights on Agent 66, do you? Well, if this works out, Tommy ole boy, you might just have her.

Intercom: Commander Siegfried, Kit Kelly is on the phone.

Junior: [on intercom] Thank you. [on phone] Kitty, darling, I have some great news for you. You will be having dinner with Maxwell Smart tonight. Make sure by the end of the week, he’s totally wrapped around your finger.

Cut to the Smart residence. Max is downstairs, making sure he had everything for his dinner with Kit Kelly. He paced nervously back and forth, reciting everything he had on him.

Max: [pacing] Keys, photo-watch, mini binoculars, Parker’s pistol pen, rubrics cube…

99 walks downstairs and sees Max pacing back and forth and goes over to him.

99: [nervous] What’re you all dressed for?

Max: [continuing pace] Dinner date with Kit Kelly.

99: Oh…is that tonight?

Max: Yeah. She’s…uh…picking me up…because of my car and all…that accident last week…

99: Yes! Yes, I remember that. [long pause]

Max: [long pause as well] Um…are…are you planning on sleeping…[points up]

99: No! I…I moved my stuff into the guestroom. Why? Were you…?

Max: [quickly] Guestroom, as well.

99: Oh. [long pause] Which guest…

Max: Downstairs!

99: Upstairs…for me… [long pause]

Just then, the doorbell rang.

Both: I’ll get it! [rushing to the door]

The door opens and the Smarts tension eases as they see Maxine standing outside.

Max: Max!

Maxine: Yes, it’s me. Your daughter…Maxine.

Max & 99: Yes.

Max: Were you…going to come in?

Maxine: [pause] Yes. Yes, I was. [walking in] Dad, the president wanted me to come over and make sure you have a good solid plan for tonight.

Max: Plan? Well, yes. Yes, I do. Mrs. Kelly will pick me up and drive me to dinner. We will then eat and she’ll drive me right back here.

Maxine: Well, Dad, that’s…that’s definitely a plan, alright…more like an outline of a plan, but a plan so to speak, but there is something missing.

Max: What?

Maxine: The middle section.

Max: It’s a broad scope. It’ll develop as the night goes on. General Geo. Armstrong Custer didn’t have a set plan when he fought the battle of Little Bighorn.

Maxine: Yes, Dad and look where Gen. Custer is now. He’s dead, Dad. Dead as dime store doornail. [doorbell rings]

Max: [sarcastically] Thank you, Maxine, for your encouraging words of support. [going over to door]

Max opens the door to find Kit Kelly, dressed in a lovely red ball gown. All three Smarts are taken a back by the woman’s incredible beauty.

Kelly: [to Max] You must be Maxwell. I’m sure we’ll have a wonderful night.

Max: And you must be Mrs. Kelly. Pleasure to meet you.

Kelly: The pleasure is all yours, Maxwell, and please…call me Kit.

Max: Yes…well…[pause] I’m off.

Maxine: Have a good time, Dad and stay out of trouble. [kisses him on the cheek]

Max: [laughs nervously] That’s very funny.

99: Max.

Max: 99.

99: [pause] [extending hand] Have a good time, Max.

Max reluctantly shakes 99’s hand, smiles half-happily, and follows Kelly out to her car.

Maxine: Don’t worry, Mom. After tonight, Kit Kelly will be another KAOS agent in the pen. [looks at watch] Ooh. 66 should be by to pick me up and give chase. You can come along if you want.

99: Oh no, Max, I can’t. I have a stack of paper work to do before tomorrow. Maybe some other time I’ll go shadowing with you.

Maxine: Okay, but you’ll be missing a lot of fun and we could take your mind off of what’s happened.

99: Following your father out with another woman if going to take my mind off things?

Maxine: [pause] Yes?

 

******COMMERCIAL BREAK******

 

Setting: CONTROL headquarters. The office had been pretty quiet the last couple of days, mainly because 99 wasn’t there everyday and the fact that Max sat sadly in his office. Maxine, 66, Agent 22, and Zach stopped by the office to get Max to go to lunch with them.

Maxine: Dad, you’ve got to snap out of this! I mean what use are you if you’re in the dumps everyday?

Agent 22: I don’t see what the problem is. [everyone looks at him] Well, I don’t. Let’s say Mrs. Smart is like cake and Kit Kelly is like ice cream. Every guy on the planet would love to have both cake AND ice cream. You have cake and ice cream, both very lovely and beautiful dishes, if I may say so. You have the best of two worlds.

Max: [annoyed] 22, I don’t want the best of two worlds. I don’t want cake and ice cream, I just want the cake! I’ve had cake for 25 years now, even longer than that! Why, after all this time, would I finally
have an interest in ice cream? What do you make of that?

Zach: I don’t know about you, but this is getting me awfully hungry. [mad look from Max] Sorry.

22: Chief, all I’m saying is, officially you’re a free man and you have two women after you. I’d capitalize on the whole thing.

Max: [annoyed] Get out, 22.

22: Does this mean no lunch?

Everyone: Get out, 22!

22: Alright! I can take a hint. You don’t have to ask me twice. I’m leaving. [leaves]

66: Chief, what have you found out so far?

Max: I miss my wife.

66: I mean, the case, Chief.

Max: I hate this case and I miss my wife.

66: Chief, could we please focus for a minute? Have you found out anything about Kit Kelly?

Max: Yes. [pause] She’s nothing like 99.

66: [annoyed] Chief! This is important!

Max: I haven’t found out anything. My heart hasn’t really been in this case.

Maxine: Dad, are you saying you’ve been out with Kit Kelly everyday this week and you’ve found out nothing?

Max: Think about what I have to do! Everyday I come home to the house I share with my wife, who’s not my wife, then every night I go out with a woman who’s not my wife, but would love to be. Wait a minute,
wait a minute. I think I did find out something. It didn’t register till now. She has a huge lock on her basement door. I have no idea where it leads or what’s in there. She also got a call last night…about 9:15pm. In fact, every night I’ve been out with her, she’s gotten a call at 9:15pm.

Zach: But what’s it all mean though?

Maxine: That, big brother is what we have to find out. What else strikes you as odd, Dad?

Max: The questions she asks.

66: About government documents?

Max: No. About me. And 99.

Maxine: Well, that’s odd.

Zach: Maybe not. What if she’s fishing for information about our government through seemingly innocent questions? [thinking] [to Max] Dad, you didn’t tell her anything, did you?

Max: {hesitantly] I don’t know. I’ve been so out of it lately…I don’t think so, but even still. What’s she gonna gain from listening to me talk about your mother all night?

66: Only…[thinking] Isn’t there a meeting this morning at 9:15am?

Zach: Yeah. It’s about the new missile base plans. They’re set to be moved to a new location. Why? You don’t think…[looks at Max, 66, then Maxine]

Max: Zach…

Zach: I’m there. [leaves]

Maxine: There has to be more to it though. Something about that time.

66: It could be an address, a date, or just a simple number. Maybe a combo to a safe or something. Chief, are you planning on seeing Kelly tonight?

Max: [sadly] Yes.

Maxine: I think it’s time we followed Mrs. Kelly a closer this time.

That night, Max and Kelly had dinner at her estate, which was on top of a hill overlooking a nearby lake. At dinner, Max seemed a lot more distant than previous nights and Kelly wondered about that.

Kelly: Maxwell? [seeing Max playing with his food] Is something wrong? You haven’t touched your food.

Max: Hmm? Oh. No. Nothing’s wrong.

Kelly: It’s about Mrs. Smart, isn’t it?

Max: Mrs. Smart. You know she’s been Mrs. Smart for 24 years. 25 next week.

Kelly: I’m sure she was a wonderful woman.

Max: Yes. [dreamily] The most sweetest, kindest, gentlest person you could ever meet.

Kelly: You say she’s a member of Congress.

Max: And she had the most beautiful blue eyes you’d ever see.

Meanwhile, outside in a black van, sat 66, Zach, and Maxine. They were listening to the whole conversation, trying to get information about Kelly, but instead they were getting the lovesick ramblings
of Max.

Maxine: You know, I never realized how much Dad loves Mom until now. Though I really wish he could’ve used some other time for this.

66: If he’s not careful, he could say something that could put our whole nation into a spinning world of chaos. Not to mention a take over by the very organization.

Zach: I hate to go off the subject, but has anyone SEEN Mom?

Maxine: What’re you talking about? I saw her today.

Zach: No, I mean tonight. I went by to drop off something and her car was gone.

66: What’s so strange about that?

Zach: The fact that she left and didn’t tell us she was leaving? That’s what’s strange.

Maxine: Zach, don’t worry about it. Mom’s a big girl. I don’t think she’s in any trouble.

Back in the house, Kelly was trying to get more information from Max and wasn’t getting any. Max was getting a bit drowsy from the wine and could barely keep his eyes open.

Kelly: Maxwell? Maxwell, are you alright?

Max: I’m little dizzy. I think maybe I drank too much.

Kelly: Maybe you did. Listen, Maxwell, this is very important. You must answer me.

Max: [very tired and sleepy] Sure.

Kelly: You won’t hold what I do next against me?

Max: Of course not.

Kelly: [with vase in hand] Good.

With Max half way out anyhow, Kelly took the vase and smashed it over Max’s head, causing him to black out and fall to the floor. In the van, the trio heard everything.

Zach: That’s it! We should hold out for more, but I do not trust Kelly with Dad alone. We’ve got to go in there and save him. [goes to door, but can’t open it]

Maxine: What’s wrong?

Zach: [pushing on door] The door’s stuck! It won’t budge!

Inside, the three tried as hard as they can to get the open to no avail. Outside, the door has been blocked by a large rock and a hammer through the handles. Smiling and walking away from the scene are Conrad, Jr. and Thomas Hill!

 

******COMMERCIAL BREAK******

 

Setting: The estate of Kit Kelly. Downstairs in the basement, Max lay knocked out on a cot. In the back, you could hear a woman struggling to break free of something or someone.

BG: Let me go!

Junior: And have you miss all the fun? No way! [to other people] Keep her back here until Smart wakes up.

As we come back to Max, we see him slowly trying to get up and notice his surroundings have vastly changed. He sits up and then stands up and finds the room very dizzying.

He goes to look at his watch to see the time and notices it’s not there. He quickly does a brief search of the items he had when he left home and finds everything is gone, even his rubrics cube.

Max: [to himself] Those guys at KAOS…not even a rubric cube is safe from harm.

Kelly: Ah, Maxwell. [Max turns to see Kelly coming from stairs] I see you’re awake.

Max: Yes. I don’t know what you put in your drinks, Mrs. Kelly, but they do deliver a hard punch.

Kelly: Oh Maxwell, that wasn’t the wine. That was the vase I smashed over your head.

Max: [shocked] A vase? Now, why you wanna go and do something like that? Was it something I said?

Kelly: [angrily] Yes, it was something you said! I have been out with you, sir, for a week straight and all you’re talked about was your wife!

Max: [sadly] Former wife. Actually, I guess not a wife. Apparently you haven’t heard.

Kelly: Oh, I heard, Mr. Smart.

Kelly walked over to a light switch on the wall and turned it on. The large wall that made the room seem small instantly raised to reveal a hidden room behind it. The back wall was covered under a hug map of the wall and had little red pins stuck in it. In front of it was a long wood table, that also had a large map of the world on it.

Max: Does your realtor know about this? You know, you could be fine for adding on extra hardware to your house, especially if it’s not tax deductible.

Kelly: [annoyed] This should be the lest of your worries, Mr. Smart.

Max: What do you mean?

From around the corner, 99 was led out by a gun-toting Thomas Hill.

Max: 99! [to Hill] What exactly are you up to, Hill?

Hill: The ultimate plan, Smart.

Voice: Just who do you think was the mastermind behind it.

99 gets away from Hill and rushes over to Max. From the same doorway that 99 and Hill and come from, enters Junior, a huge smile on his face.

Max & 99: Junior!

Junior: [angered] Siegfried! Siegfried! How many times do I have to tell you people it’s Seigfried! Don’t ever EVER call me Junior!!

Max: [sarcastically] Alright, so you’re the great Siegfried. What’s that have to do with us?

Junior: I have the greatest plan. Kit Kelly would seduce and marry you, thus leaving an opening for KAOS to crawl through. But no, I can’t even do that. [pointing to Max] You’re too lovesick, [to 99] you
decide to wander around, and I’ve got a boulder blocking the exit of the rest of your team. Is there anyone else here I should know about?

Max: Yes, as a matter of fact there is. Right now, this house is being surrounded by 600 camouflage agents from not only CONTROL, but also the CIA, the FBI and the BBB!

Hill: The Better Business Bureau? Why are they sent out?

Max: Why not? Look at this place! You don’t think the BBB would be interested in this?

Junior: Smart, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!

Max: [pause] Would you believe 100 patrolmen with Doberman pincers?

Junior: Someone tie them up, please?

Max: How about 50 security guards and an armed poodle?

Junior: Will someone PLEASE get these two tied up?

Max: Would you believe two boy scouts, one compass, and half a can of spaghetti?

Junior: [to Hill and various agents] Am I talking to myself here? What do I pay you people for?

Max: To listen.

Junior: [looks at Max] [to Hill and other agents] You hear that? Smart’s doing your job for you! Maybe I should hire him. [annoyed] Go! Move! GET THEM TIED UP!!

The agents quickly tie Max and 99 to two chairs, faced back-to-back to each other. Hill and Junior come over and stand next to the Smarts, guns in hand.

99: You won’t get away with this.

Junior: [laughs] Mrs. Smart, I already have! Quite surprised at you, actually. Oh, not the following Smart here or breaking in, just that you got caught. Rookie mistake.

99: (annoyed) Maybe I got caught in order to find Max and find out what you were up to. Did you ever think of that?

Junior: Sure. Well, the only thing left to do now is to dispose of you and your team of brats in the van and get your husband to marry Kit Kelly. Remember, Mrs. Smart, everyone thinks the two of you aren’t married.

Max: What are you talking about? I saw that paper myself and it definitely says we are not married.

Hill: [pulls out paper from pocket] Oh, you mean this piece of paper?

Junior: [also pulls out paper] No, no. I think he means this.

Hill: [with another piece of paper] [smiling] You mean something like this? [they both laugh]

Junior: It was a farce! The whole thing! What other way were we going to get you to marry Kit? You certainly weren’t going to do while on the verge of your 25th anniversary, were you? This was
the perfect plan! Make up a phony document saying some clause caused you never to have been married. Like clockwork, your wife checks the document with different people…

Hill: All under KAOS pay.

Junior: And with you being forced to marry Kit by president order, there was nothing you could do. [to Max] You know, Smart, I would’ve thought you’d be bigger about this whole thing. I never would have thought you’d go to pieces…[looks at 99] like your wife.

99: What’s that supposed to mean?

Hill: Very simple, Mrs. Smart. At 9:15 tonight, you’re going to have a slight…shall we say…accident, involving hurling off the cliff outside the house.

Junior: [to Max, though still looking @ 99] A perfect end to a glorious week, wouldn’t you say, Smart? Everyone thinks you and your wife are no more and your new love is Kit Kelly. Distraught, Mrs. Smart hurls
herself off the cliff, after hearing your marriage proposal to Kit.

Max: I haven’t proposed to her!

Hill: [pointing gun at Max] You will.

Junior: [pushing gun away from Max] Thomas, I think Mr. Smart will cooperate. [to Max] Won’t you?

Max: [angrily] Junior, if you think…

Junior: First off, let me correct you on my name. It’s Siegfried. Understood? Secondly, you’ll either marry Kit or before your very eyes, I will blow up fifteen different naval ships at nine different piers
if you don’t.

99: Oh come on, Junior. [dirty look from Junior] [correcting herself] Siegfried. It’s virtually impossible to blow up that many ships in different harbors at one time.

Junior: Not so, Mrs. Smart. [to Kelly] Kit, darling, wanna show the Smarts what we’ve got up our sleeves?

Kelly: Certainly, Conrad. [walks over to wall map] As y’all can see, these pins signify a group of explosives on each harbor. KAOS knows exactly what ships will be there and what time they arrived.

Hill: Your precious naval ships that carry either top secrets plans aboard or just plain passengers will be blown to bits…at exactly 9:15pm.

Max: That explains the times that you called Mrs. Kelly while I was here.

Junior: Yes, that and the fact that she’s very motherly. Wants us to check in all the time. After that, we found a little pattern in our plans. We call it…Operation 915.

99: [sarcastically] How catchy.

Junior: [to 99] Keep it up, Mrs. Smart, and we could kill you right now. But that would defeat the purposes of our plan. [walks away]

99: Where are you going?

Junior: I’ve gotta prepare to blow up some ships. Thomas, Kit, let’s go.

Max: You’re leaving us alone?

Junior: [smirks] Hardly. [points to guard by the wall] Rudolph’s here. [to Rudolph] If they even THINK about escaping…[looking at the Smarts] …kill them. [leaves]

99: Oh, Max what’re we going to?

Max: Don’t panic, 99. There’s got to be a way out of this. And there’s no time to waste. Junior and company could come back.

99: Oh, Max, this looks hopeless. Even if we do get loose from here, that guard has orders to kill us! What a terrible way to die…and at the worst of times too.

Max: 99…

99: Yes, Max?

Max: I don’t care what happens, I won’t marry Kit Kelly.

99: [gloomily] Oh, Max, you might as well. In a few minutes, I’ll cease to exist.

Max: 99, there’s got to be some way out of this!

99: Oh, Max it’s no use. Either way, we each meet our dooms. Oh Max, words can’t express how much I love you.

Max: You know, 99, if there was a way out of this, I’d marry you all over again.

99: You would?

Max: Yes.

99: [thinking] Max! I think I have a plan to get out of this.

Max: [at camera] You do?

99: Of course. We’ll use the Indian rope trick.

Max: Of course! The Indian rope trick! [pauses] You really let them catch you off guard? I mean, for you, that is a rookie mistake.

99: [glares at him] Do you want out of here or not?

Max: I do.

99: Well, okay then. [gestures to henchman]

Max: [to Rudolph] Hey Rudolph! Could you come over here for a minute? [Rudy walks over to Max]

Rudolph: Yeah?

Max: You know, as I saw you stand over there, I said to myself, that’s a magic man over there. And I wanted to know…if you wanted to see a magic trick?

Rudolph: Hmm…yeah. Let’s see one.

Max: Well, you have to untie me first. [Rudolph looks at him] That’s the only way to show you. You trust me, don’t you?

Rudolph thinks for a minute, shrugs his shoulders, and then unties Max. Max stands up and takes the rope from the chair.

Max: Now, first Rudolph, I tie this rope around you like so. Then I tie your hands nice and tight. Okay? [Rudy nods] Alright, then close your eyes. [Rudy closes eyes] Comfy? [Rudy nods]

Max gets a hold of the chair and walks behind Rudolph. He holds it over his head and readies himself.

Max: Okay, Rudolph, this is the big finale. [crashes chair over Rudolph’s head]

The chair breaks in pieces and Rudolph slowly falls to the floor.

Max: Ta-da!

Max quickly unties 99 and they rush back upstairs to the house. They hear Hill, Junior, and Kelly in the kitchen and tried to decide on something in the living room.

99: Max, we’ve got to try and think of something.

Max: Don’t worry, 99. The wheels of my highly sophisticated brain are in high gear. Wait a minute, 99! Wait a minute!

99: Max, you have a plan!

Max: No. I was just wondering what you were doing here in the first place.

99: Max! That’s not important now!

Max: It is too important! Now listen, 99, I love you, but I rely on you to stay behind and you know, come swooping in when I get into trouble.

99: Why do you think I’m here? Do you really think I’m going to stand by and let you marry someone else?

Max: [smiling] Well, what do you know? The little woman cares.

99: [also smiling] I don’t care; just used to you is all. And now that we’ve covered that, we need to get out of here.

Max: No, 99. The important thing here is to get Junior, Hill, and Kit Kelly. Come on.

The quietly approached the kitchen and heard the same voices, but now accompanied by Shtarker.

Shtarker: I can’t believe it, Conrad! Finally, after all these years, KAOS will finally be rid of Maxwell Smart.

Junior: Don’t be so confident at first, Shtarker. We’ve just entered phase two. I think Smart will come around when we go back downstairs. It’s either his new marriage or the destruction of naval ships. Smart’s too much of a country man to disagree to our terms.

Hill: I don’t know, sir. I don’t like leaving them downstairs with just Rudolph.

Kelly: Thomas, honey, you are so right. And honestly, Conrad, I want out of this deal.

Junior: Excuse me?

Kelly: I’ve had dinner with Maxwell Smart for all of this week and the whole time he spent talking about his wife. 99 this, and 99 that…I could NOT take that for a year or so.

Junior: Kit…Kitty, you’d only be married for a little while. Then we’ll kill him. We just need to get on the inside of CONTROL. After that, we won’t need Smart.

Kelly: I’d much rather have a cute Navy man.

Junior: [angrily] Keep your priorities straight, Kit. You can have any man you want in this world…KAOS wants Maxwell Smart, so you better deliver.

Kelly: That sounds like a threat, Mr. Siegfried.

Max and 99 move away from the kitchen, half-listening to the argument going on inside, and decide what they’re going to do.

Max: 99, I think I have a plan. Follow me. [leave]

Hill: [hearing a noise] What was that?

Shtarker: What was what?

Hill: [drawing gun] I heard something. [to Junior] I tell you, Conrad, something’s not right.

Junior: Fine, let’s go check it out.

The four leave the kitchen and see Rudolph walking slowly up from the basement. They quickly rush over to him.

Junior: Rudolph, what happened?

Rudolph: Smart tricked me and I think he might have escaped.

Junior: [angrily] Might have!?

Hill: See? I told you we shouldn’t have left them down there.

Junior: [drawing gun] [to others] Spread out! Find them! [others start to leave] Do NOT let them get out of here. Hey! [everyone stops] Kill Mrs. Smart, but make sure Smart is brought to me. Alive.

Everyone leaves and starts looking for the Smarts. Upstairs, Max and 99 were waiting for someone to come up to find them. Their wish came true when Kit Kelly started to walk down the hall.

Kelly: You Hoo! Maxwell, where are you?

Max: Behind you, Kit.

Kelly turns around to see Max, gun in hand and pointed at her.

Kelly: It seems we’re at a stand off, Mr. Smart.

99: I wouldn’t say that. [standing next to Max, also with
gun] Drop it.

Kelly: [puts gun down] You know, I hope there are no hard feelings, Mrs. Smart. I was only doing my job.

Max: You know, Mrs. Kelly, I’m sure there must be a way for you to put this behind you. In fact, I have a proposition for you.

Kelly: I’m listening.

Max: You don’t really want to marry me, do you?

Kelly: Not really, Mr. Smart. As I told Conrad, I do NOT date married men.

Max: Well, as I’m sure you heard, my wife and I are officially married. Again. So, actually, there’s no reason why you should even try and marry me.

Kelly: Well, [looking at both Max and 99] thank you. I guess I’ll just be going…

99: No, I don’t think you will.

Kelly: But you’re husband practically said…

Max: I said I don’t see why you should do the bidding of Junior. I never said you were off the hook. If you’ll just go through door number 1, my wife and I will see to it that you meet a lot of men in uniform
tonight. [smiles]

Kelly: [going into room] [sarcastically] Ha ha.

Max: [to 99] One down.

99: Three to go.

They went downstairs and started looking for the other three. Junior, Hill, and Shtarker had just reconvened downstairs in the living room.

Junior: Did you find them?

Hill: No and now Kit’s missing.

Junior: Okay. Look, let’s leave. If we go now, we won’t have to deal with the police or the Smarts. I don’t know if you noticed, but I don’t think they’re very happy with us right now.

Max: You bet you bet your sweet English accent we’re not.

The three men turn and see Max standing behind them, pointing his gun right at them.

Junior: [panicky] [to Hill and Shtarker] Well, don’t just stand there. Get him.

Hill: You get him.

Junior: Dumkoffs! There’s one of him and three of us!

Shtarker: Yes, but the one of him has one gun that could kill the three of us.

Junior: Dummies! When I left you downstairs, you had guns. Where are they?

Hill: We thought we wouldn’t need them. Smart didn’t have a gun.

Junior: I’m surrounded by idiots.

Max: You know, Junior, that was a pretty mean thing you did. I don’t think my wife liked it.

Junior: Well, you do what you gotta do. [laughing nervously] By the way, where is your wife?

Hill: [hearing click of a gun hammer behind them] Oh there she is.

The three instantly turn around and see 99, with gun in hand. Suddenly, they all start to talk at once, trying to explain their actions.

99: Silence!

Trio: Yes, ma’am.

99: That was a cruel joke you guys pulled. Who’s idea was it?

Hill & Shtarker: [pointing to Junior] His.

Junior: [shocked] [to H. and S.] Liars! [to 99] Mrs. Smart…99, it was partially my idea, but they helped. Oh, did they help! They…they made those pieces of paper. And they copied them too! They wanted to pass them out at the next KAOS dance!

While Junior is trying to explain, Hill and Shtarker quietly slip out the kitchen side door, but not before Junior alerts the Smarts to it.

Junior: Hhhhey! [pointing to the door] They’re escaping!
[to 99] You’re letting them escape!

Max: [standing by 99] The police will get them.

Junior: The police are here?

Max: Yes. It seems that even though you locked our children and Agent 66 in that van, they had a phone. And they called.

Junior: Yes…well, guess I’ll go out and talk to the police…[starts to leave]

Max: Wait a minute, Junior. [looking at 99] I think my wife would like to have a word with you.

Junior: She can talk to me at the police station…where there are witnesses.

99: [smiling] What kind of fun will that be?

Max: Well, I guess I’d better see what’s going on outside…

Junior: Wait! You’re gonna leave me in here? [looks at 99, then back at Max] With her? [looks at 99, then back at Max] Alone?

Max: Sure. [smiling]

Junior: But…wait! [to 99] You can’t hurt me because…because you’re not an official CONTROL agent. [laughs]

Max: He has a point, 99. [pause] Well, as Chief of CONTROL, I hereby reinstate this woman as an agent of CONTROL. [kisses 99 on the cheek] Happy anniversary, darling.

99: [smiling] Thank you, love.

Junior stands there, shocked and watches as Max leaves out the door. He then turns to 99 to strike some sort of deal.

Junior: [as Max leaves] That is not right. Right not, Smart! [to 99] You wouldn’t REALLY hurt me, would you?

 

******COMMERCIAL BREAK******

 

Setting: The office of Conrad Siegfried, Jr. Thomas Hill and Shtarker had just been led into his office and were faced with the back of his chair.

Hill: You wanted to see us, Commander Siegfried?

Junior (voice): I just wanted to thank you both for running out and leaving me to the mercy of Mrs. Maxwell Smart.

Shtarker: Well, you know the KAOS motto: Leave today, fight tomorrow.

Junior: [angrily] Yes, but you don’t leave without your Commander!

As Junior turns the chair around, the men at his desk see he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling. They also see a pair of crutches by the wall as he turns.

Hill: Conrad…what happened to you?

Junior: [annoyed] Mrs. Smart happened to me. You know, for a woman her age, she’s awfully strong. And deadly. I only think she let me live as a warning.

Shtarker: Siegfried…

Junior: Don’t! Don’t even TRY to explain. I don’t want to hear it. [getting up from desk] In fact, you tow are going to pay.

Hill: Pardon?

Junior: [hopping to his crutches] You heard me I only have a few words for you. And that’s be afraid. [going towards them] Be very afraid.

Hill and Shtarker just run out as an injured Junior hobbles after them. Switch the scene to Robere’s restaurant. At a back booth, we see the Smarts once again engaged in a passionate kiss.

99: [breaking kiss] Oh Max. I can’t believe what depths Junior would sink to…all for access into CONTROL.

Max: Well, 99, Junior just shows us that age old adjudge.

99: What’s that, Max?

Max: Like evil father, like evil, horrible, rotten son.

99: [sarcastically] I’m glad you’re not bitter, Max. At least with all of this over, we concentrate on what’s really important…our anniversary.

Max: That reminds me. [takes a small velvet box from his pocket] I have a surprise for you. [places box on table]

99: Oh Max. [seeing box] What is it?

Max: It’s a small velvet box, 99.

99: No, Max, I meant what’s in it.

Max: Open it and find out.

99 picks up the box and opens it. Inside, is a beautiful diamond ring.

99: Oh Max, it’s beautiful!

Max: Do you really like it, 99?

99: Of course I do. [kisses him]

Max: You know what that is, don’t you?

99: It’s a ring, Max.

Max: Yes, it is a ring, but it’s different kind of ring. [pause] It’s an engagement ring.

99: [shocked] An engagement ring?

Max: Well…yeah. 99, when we were trapped in Kit Kelly’s house and under the assumption we weren’t married, and then finding out we were, I had a thought. Actually, it was a thought I’ve had many times, but the situation invoked it. Actually, the last couple of days invoked it, really. [pause] You know, now that I think about it…

99: [interrupting] Max…what was the thought?

Max: Oh…yeah. Well, 99, do you remember the first time I asked you to marry me?

99: Of course I do.

Max: Well, 99, I…I’ve always regretted that moment. [look from 99] Not that I didn’t mean everything I said. I did! It’s just the fact that…99, I never officially asked you to marry me. I said if we got out of that sound booth and escaped those KAOS agents, I would, but I didn’t ask. And well, when we were in Kit Kelly’s house, it came to me again. I hadn’t gotten you a present yet because I was unsure as to
what to get, but the whole situation gave me the idea. [looking at 99] 99, I don’t know what I would do without you. The very thought of knowing that we might not be married just about killed me. I can’t and never will see my life without anyone else but you.

99: Max, what’re you trying to say?

Max: I love you, 99. Will you marry me? Again?

99: Oh Max, yes. [kisses him]

From the scene of Max and 99 kissing, we go to another scene with the happy couple, this time on their wedding day. The wedding takes place on the Wednesday of their anniversary.

 

 

THE ENDING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!

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