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The Stand Off

 

SETTING: A lovely day on a baseball field. The crowd was enjoying every moment of the game. Of course this wasn’t your ordinary baseball game. It was a top-secret game, being played in a remote baseball field in New Jersey. The CONTROL Chiefs vs. the CIA. The Chiefs were on deck with the CIA up to bat. CONTROL was down by two points, with Agent 78, Zachary Smart, behind the plate and Agent 24, Maxine Smart, on the mound. Max wounded up and threw her patened fastball. The ball was hit and it flew over the wall, making it a home run for the CIA. Chief Maxwell Smart, who was down in the dugout, called for a time out.

Max: We’re dying out there.

Zach: [sarcastically] Really, Sherlock? How so?

Max: [annoyed] Watch it, Zach. I could bench you right now.

Zach: You wouldn’t do that. I’m your only catcher.

66: Listen, Chief….

The Team: Yes?

66: [to the team] Not you, the Chief. [to Max] I think we should try and fake them out and get an out. We only need two.

Zach: That’s a pretty good plan, but have you seen the other team?

The camera does a wide shot of the CIA team and they look big and mean.

Zach: I think we should call some sort of foul on them. I don’t that’s the real CIA team.

Max: Well, who is it then?

Zach: My guess would be the Washington State Men’s Prison team.

Max: Time’s up. Go back out there and do something.

66: Like what?

Max: The only alternative. Cheat.

The players go back out onto the field. The next hitter for the CIA comes on to the plate.

Zach: [to hitter] Tell me, have you ever been to the Washington State Men’s Prison? I hear they have a really good ball team.

The batter turns to look at Zach, just as Maxine pitches. The ball goes past the batter and into Zach’s
mitt.

Ump: Strike!

Zach: Sorry bout that, butterfingers! [throws ball back to Maxine]

The batter gets ready to hit again and takes his stance.

Zach: So…did you ever have a girlfriend named Bubba?

This comment distracted the batter and he missed the ball.

Ump: Strike two!

Zach: I hope I wasn’t out of line with that butterfingers crack. I’m truly sorry. I won’t say another word or do anything to distract you again.

The batter once again took his stance on the plate. Just as Max was pitching, Zach’s shoe phone started
to ring. This distraction made the batter swing and miss the ball. Zach, meanwhile, answered his phone.

Zach: Hello?

Junior: Hello, Smart? Long time no catch.

Zach: Junior!

Junior: I’ve asked you not to call me that, haven’t I?

Zach: What do you want?

Junior: Just wanted to tell you that I have planted a series of high explosives in and around the little town of Pittsburgh. You have exactly thirty minutes and twenty-one seconds to find and destroy them before I destroy Pittsburgh.

Zach: You’re bluffing! Why blow up Pittsburgh? No one goes there anyway. You’re up to something, Junior and I demand to know what it is!

Junior: [laughing] You demand, huh? That’s a laugh. Let’s see if you can live up to your name, Smart. You’d better hurry. You’re at twenty-nine minutes and fifty-two seconds. Auf Weidersehen, Schmart. [hangs up]

Zach: Well, how do you…

Zach put his shoe back on and walked right into the batter that had struck out.

Zach: Oh, excuse me. [batter looks angry] Hey, look, I’m really sorry about that. My phone rang and…you look really mad, but see it wasn’t my fault…[calling to Max] Dad, this nice gentleman would like a word with you about my behavior…and possibly my death!

 

 

THE OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!

SETTING: A small airport in Pittsburgh. Maxine and Agent 66 are standing at a nearby telephone booth. Zach was on the phone talking to Max, who was in Washington. The scenes switch back and forth.

Max: Zach, what exactly did Junior say?

Zach: He said he had planted explosives in and around Pittsburgh. I couldn’t just put it off, Pop! What if he’s really serious?

Max: What have you found so far, Zach?

Zach: So far, nothing. I know it was headstrong, Dad, but I had to check it out.

Max: Zachary, get back here right now. And bring your sister and Agent 66 along with you! [hangs up]

Zach hung up and walked over to the girls.

66: What he say?

Zach: He wants us back in Washington ASAP. And I do believe that’s an order.

Maxine: But Zach, what do we do about Junior’s threat of blowing this town sky high?

Zach: We go check it out.

66: But what about…?

Zach: Don’t worry. It’ll take us three minutes and we’ll be in Washington before you know it.

The three go through the airport, cautiously checking every nook and cranny for anything suspicious. After an hour, the girls were tired and wanted to go home.

66: Zach, this is just a red herring. Let’s go home while we still have jobs.

Zach: Okay, but first we have to go to Maine.

Girls: What!

Zach: While we were checking around, I saw one of the broadcasts on TV. A military base silo was just blown up. We have to check it out.

Maxine: But, Zach, Dad told us to be in Washington an hour ago! He’s going to kill us!

Zach: Maxine, as senior agent on this case…

66: What case?

Zach: [clearing throat] As senior agent on this case, you girls are under my command. And as your leader, I’m telling you that we must check this out. I would never let anything happen to you, everything will be okay. So says your leader.

66: [to Maxine] I think our leader is going to get us fired.

Zach: [to 66] Your leader heard that. Now, come on. I got the tickets and everything. Our plane leaves in about five minutes.

The trio quickly hurry to their plane, board, and soon take off. While in the midst of the flight, Zach’s shoe phone goes off, causing people to stare at him. He gets up and heads for the restroom and locks the door. He takes his shoe off and quickly answers. On the other end is Max. Scenes switch back and forth.

Max: Zachary, I have yet to see your bright smiling faces in my office. Back here in Washington. Why are you still in Pittsburgh?

Zach: Well, Pop, the good news is that I’m no longer in Pittsburgh.

Max: Great!

Zach: Yes, but the bad news is I’m not in Washington either.

Max: Then where are you?

Zach: Well, as of now, I’m on a plane heading for Maine.

Max: WHAT!

Zach: [pulling phone away from ear][on phone] Dad, didn’t you hear about that military silo being blown up? [pause] Oh you did, huh? You’ve already got agents there? Oh well then, the girls and I will go down and give them our expertise knowledge. [pause] Dad, I think that’s a little harsh. [pause] Dad, you can’t kill me. Mom would be very upset.

Max: Zachary, get yourselves in Washington in the next five minutes or I’ll fire all three of you!

Zach: That’s an idle threat, Pop. You wouldn’t fire us.

Max: Oh really?

Zach: Nope. Cause in order of seniority, firing us would mean Agent 22 moves up.

Max: [calm] How soon can you get back in Washington, son?

Zach: I’ll be back when I can, father dearest. The girls and I will just check on this little military silo thing and we’ll be back before dinner. You can count on it. You trust me, don’t you, Pop? [pause] Pop? You trust me, right? [pause] Dad? Hello?

The scene changes to the little military base in which the silo had been blown up. Zach and the girls stood at the gates, talking to the residing officer.

Zach: So you say you were here the whole time and yet you didn’t hear a thing?

Officer: That’s right, sir. I was standing here at my post, when all of a sudden I smelt smoke and I turned and the missile silo was in pieces.

66: [looking around] But the silo’s away about a foot from here!

Officer: I know, Miss. But I didn’t hear a thing.

The scene switches again to aboard another plane…this time, headed for Washington.

Maxine: I can’t believe KAOS has the capability of blowing up a missile silo, with no sound.

66: I can’t believe we’re on a plane to Washington.

Zach: Didn’t your leader say we’d get back to Washington? Huh? That’ll teach you not to doubt your leader.

66: Well, I think our leader should do the explaining when we get in the Chief’s office.

Zach: That’s beside the point. First off, we need to figure out this whole silent blow up thing and why that particular missile silo and why the whole Pittsburgh deal? Something is not right.

Junior: Something’s not right.

The scene changes to KAOS high command. Conrad Siegfried, Jr., the new head of KAOS, stands in the door of his office. He looks around the office and folds his arms over his chest.

Junior: I know what it is! The desk is too far back. [two men go to the desk] Move it forward. I want it to be centered, but yet in a dark enough enclave to scare, yet invite agents into my office.

Junior was redecorating his office with the help of the KAOS movers. Just then, Shtarker walked in with an urgent message.

Shtarker: Conrad, I think we have some problems.

Junior: With the office?

Shtarker: With CONTROL. [hands over the memo]

Junior: [reads over memo] [to Shtarker] How is this a problem? So Smart went to the missile silo. So? That was my plan!

Shtarker: It was?

Junior: Yes, Uncle Shtarker, that was my plan. With Smart chasing some bomb in Pittsburgh, it allowed me to try out our new weapon…[whispering] the Shusher.

Shtarker: The Shusher?

Junior: Not the Shusher! [whispering] the Shusher. [normal voice] It’s a sonic laser able to blow up anything, anywhere…with no sound at all. Just think what that’ll do to Smart and everyone at CONTROL.

Shtarker: Commander Siegfried, I salute you. You’re just a brilliant and smart and cunning as your father. We’re finally going to get Maxwell Smart and his team. Whoopee! [starts to celebrate]

Junior: Shtarker… [Shtarker continues to dance around]

Shtarker: Yippee!

Junior: [looking around at the workers] Shtarker…

Shtarker: Whoop de doodle…

Junior: Agent Shtarker! [Shtarker stops] May I just remind you this is KAOS. We don’t…

Shtarker: Whoop de doodle…

Junior: We don’t do that here.

****COMMERCIAL BREAK****

Setting: The office of Chief Maxwell Smart.

Max: [sarcastically] Well, look who came back? Agent 78 and his friends. And it only took you [looks at watch] five hours!

Zach: Dad, I know what you’re gonna say…

Max: [angrily] Oh, you do, huh? Zachary, I wanted you three back here five hours ago!

Maxine: Daddy, we can explain…

66: [sarcastically] Actually, our leader said he’d taken of it.

Zach: [to 66] You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that comment was said with a tad bit of sarcasm.

After yelling at the trio for disregarding CONTROL policy on assigned cases, Zach and the girls are officially assigned to the missile silo case.

Max: You guys found out the same thing I did. The missile silo was completely destroyed, but yet no one heard anything.

66: You think KAOS has a new weapon of destruction, Chief?

Max: I don’t think they do, I KNOW they do. Follow me downstairs.

The trio followed Max downstairs via the secret lab door down to the weapons lab. The quartet entered the lab and see a mil of people working on different things. Max lead the girls over by a small table on the right side of the room, leaving Zach looking at the table in front of him. It looked like they were developing film.

Zach: Hey guys, don’t you know you have to develop film with the lights off. [turns the lights off]

There’s a big commotion in the dark as everyone yells at Zach to turn the lights back on. He flips the switch back on and finds that everyone is looking at him. Max comes over and stands next to Zach. Sensing he’s in trouble, he quickly moves away from the light switch and over to the table the girls are at, with Max behind him. By the table stood Professor James Vandergelder and on the table was a small laser
machine.

VG: I’m glad you could come down, Chief. The boys and I have been working hard on making this replica of the new KAOS laser, [whispering] the Shusher.

Zach: The what?

VG: [annoyed] Can’t you hear? I said [whispering] the Shusher.

66: How does the laser work, Professor?

VG: Like any ordinary laser, it converts incident electromagnetic radiation of mixed frequencies to one or more discrete frequencies…but I’m sure you all know that by now. [Maxine nods her head in agreement, while Max, Zach and 66 seem a little confused]

Zach: So…[confused] what’s different about this laser?

VG: Well, normally when using a laser, there should be a sound barrier in which the laser penetrates, in order to cause the sound of an explosion, as example. But this one, penetrates the sound barrier at a louder frequency so when it does destroy something…

66: There’s no sound. But how’s KAOS doing it?

Max: The more important thing is when KAOS plans on using that laser again.

Just then, the nearby lab phone rang and 66 went over to answer it. She was only on for a second, when she got very excited and motioned for Maxine to turn on the nearby TV. The TV turns on and Junior is on screen.

Junior: Am I coming in loud and clear? [pause] Hello, United States governmental agencies and a special howdy to my buddies at CONTROL. Earlier today, as I understand it, you had a shock when a little missile silo blew up without any sound. Scary, huh? Well, folks, that’s just the beginning of your problems. You see, I’ve decided that I can’t just send off my little invention without some notice. So, you lovely
Americans out there, have exactly until tomorrow afternoon to reward KAOS with 100 billion dollars or…I’m going to use my little silent assassin and blow the White House sky high. Toodles. [end of transmission]

Zach: [angrily] Can you believe the nerve of that little, pint sized, dirty fiend!

Max: I know.

Zach: Calling us buddies. Of all the nerve.

Maxine: [annoyed] Zach, did you not hear ONE word of that whole telecast? Junior is going to blow up the White House. The house the President of the United States resides with his family.

Zach: I’m aware of the location and importance of the White House, thank you, Maxine.

66: Chief, what’re we going to do? The United States doesn’t HAVE 100 billion dollars! There’s no way we can pay that amount.

Max: I have an idea. 66, call 99 at her office and tell her to meet us at the Second National Bank of Washington.

Zach: What’re we going to do there?

Max: We’re going to call Junior’s bluff. [Zach looks at Max, while the girls look at each in confusion]

The scene switches as we see our group outside the Second National Bank of Washington. The group was waiting for Agent 99, who arrived in about five minutes. They then proceeded inside the bank and into a teller line.

99: Max, I don’t think this is going to work.

Max: 99, I thought this plan through to the very last dollar. It will work.

Zach: Hey, Pop, do you think the rest could know what your plan is? I mean, as long as we’re here.

Max: Don’t worry, Zachary. As long as you know the plan will work, you need not know the plan.

99: And I’m telling you, Max, this will not work. I mean, it’s highly unlikely this will actually work.

Max: [annoyed] You’re in Congress, right? [99 nods] We both work for the government. How can you turn down government business? You can’t. It’s basically against the law. You have to respect the duties of those that work for your country and if it happens to be what, my plan is, then that’s what it has to be. Now, [moving up to the teller window] do you still doubt my plan, 99?

99: Yes, Max, very much so. [dirty look from Max] But I support you on it.

Max: [shrugs] That’s better than nothing. [to teller] Hi.

Teller: Hello.

Max: Uh…we have a question for you. We were wondering how much money we could…borrow from your bank?

Teller: Well, it depends on the need for the money, what the purpose will be…is there a definite purpose for the money you’re seeking?

Max: Oh yeah. [everyone nods] It’s kind of a …uh…business loan so to speak.

Teller: Well, I don’t see how that could be a problem. How much do you need?

Max: 100 billion dollars. [teller looks at Max] In small bills. [teller continues to look at Max] Is that a…problem?

A few minutes later, Max and the group stood outside the bank, once more. Max seemed a little disappointed and hurt.

Zach: It was a valiant effort, Dad. I’ll give you that.

Max: I don’t see why that didn’t work. They can’t obstruct government business. That’s just not fair.

Maxine: Well, maybe Mom did some good in there. [pointing] Here she comes now.

99 walked out of the bank and went over to the group.

Max: Well?

99: Well…[hesitant] The good news they back us 100%.

Zach: That’s good!

99: Not necessarily. We don’t get the loan.

66: That’s bad.

Maxine: That’s terrible.

Max: Maybe not. What if we could fool Junior into thinking we’d actually give him the money?

Zach: Hey, that’s excellent!

99: That’s wonderful!

66: Maybe not. What if Junior finds out we gave him fake money?

Zach: Oh, that’s not cool.

Maxine: That’s not cool at all.

Zach: No.

Max: We’ll just have to go on a whim. I’ll call Junior tonight and tell we have the money, but he’ll only get it if we get the laser.

99: Do you really think Junior is willing to trade the laser?

Max: Would you if I gave you a 100 billion dollars?

66: But we don’t a 100 billion dollars.

Max: I know that and you know that, but Junior doesn’t know that. Come on. I have another plan.

****COMMERCIAL BREAK****

Setting: The Washington Central Park. It was around 11:30pm and we see a figure pacing around a bench. On closer examination, we see the person is Zachary Smart. He walks back and forth, occasionally looking at his watch. Finally, 99 comes running up to Zach, carrying a briefcase.

Zach: What took you so long? I’ve been waiting here for like fifteen minutes already.

99: Sorry. The money took a little longer than we thought.

Zach: What happened?

99: Let’s just say…your father had a slight accident with his tie, but he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Zach: Got his tie caught in the counterfeiting machine, didn’t he?

99: Zachary, first of all, CONTROL does not have a counterfeiting machine. That’s crazy. The government doesn’t do things like that. That would be dishonest.

Zach: You’re right, Mom. [pause] So where DID CONTROL get the counterfeiting machine?

99: Detroit ordering catalogue. [looks around] What time did Junior say he’d be here?

Zach: Dad arranged it so we’re meet at 11:40 exactly. The whole park is surrounded in case Junior gets bold. [looks around] [to 99] I hope he gets here soon though.

99: Why?

Zach: I’m expecting a package.

99: This late at night?

Zach: [looks at 99] It’s from the Detroit Gun Club.

Just then, the two heard a noise by one of the bushes. Zach turned on his flashlight and started shining it around.

Zach: Siegfried?

Junior: Here, Smart. [steps out from bushes]

Zach: [looks at watch] You’re a minute late.

Junior: Well, you’re in the wrong spot.

Zach: What? What’re you talking about? We agreed on the bench by the big tree.

Junior: [annoyed] Do you know how many benches by big trees there are in this park?!?

Zach: Not off hand…

Junior: 23! But enough about that. Do you have my money?

Zach: Do you have our laser?

Junior: I have MY laser.

Zach: Well, I have MY money…

99: Gentlemen, it doesn’t matter. [to Junior] Do you have the laser?

Junior: [holding up a briefcase] I have it right here.

Zach: You keep a high powered laser in a briefcase?

Junior: It’s portable. Do you have the money?

99: [holding up briefcase] It’s right here.

Junior: You keep 100 billion dollars in a briefcase?

Zach: It’s portable. Look, you throw the laser over here and we’ll throw you the money.

Junior: What if I throw the laser to you and you keep the laser and run off with the money?

99: We wouldn’t do that!

Junior: I would, that’s why I asked.

Zach: No, the best way for this is to exchange briefcases at the same time. On three, alright?

Junior: That’s sounds reasonable.

Zach: Alright. One…two…three!

Both men tossed their briefcases to one another and caught the other’s briefcase.

Junior: Ha! Thanks a lot, Smart, though you know what a stupid move you just made.

Zach: How so?

Junior: With a 100 billion dollars, KAOS won’t need to lie, cheat, and steal anymore.

Zach: [sarcastically] I thought those were personal traits.

Junior: People can change, Smart.

Zach: It doesn’t matter anyway, Junior. With this laser, we can destroy anything that KAOS throws at us.

Junior: [smiling] We’ll see. [leaves]

After Junior leaves, Zach starts to laugh at the events.

99: Why are you laughing?

Zach: Why? Why not?! [starts to open briefcase] We gave Junior some fake money and he… [looks in briefcase and closes it fast]

99: He what? What’s in the briefcase?

Zach: [looks at 99] He gave us a fake laser.

99: What makes you so sure?

Zach: [taking out laser] It’s made out of Legos.

After the failure to retrieve the laser, TS met back at headquarters to think up a new plan.

66: What now? Junior will never fall for another trade.

Max: We just have to think of something.

Zach: [looking at toy laser] I’m more concerned about this laser.

Parker: What’s to be concerned about? It’s made of Legos.

Zach: I don’t think these are ordinary Legos.

Max: Zachary, will you please put that down and come over here.

Zach reluctantly put the laser down and went over to his father’s desk. But, as Zach had predicted, there was something odd about the toy laser. Concealed was a listening device and as Max was telling TS another plan, Junior and Shtarker were also listening. The camera quickly goes to Junior’s office.

Shtarker: Conrad, this was a brilliant plan of yours!

Junior: Shh! [listening]

Max on device: …we captured a KAOS courier and we’ll get the directions from him.

66 OD: So we’re basically going to storm KAOS headquarters? Just the six of us?

Zach OD: Of course not! We’ll have back up, huh, Dad?

Max OD: Well, yes and no.

Maxine OD: What do you mean “yes and no” ?

Max OD: Well, a lot of the agents are on other cases, but we will have a few people there.

66 OD: Why is that not comforting?

Conrad: [stops listening] So CONTROL thinks they can infiltrate KAOS, huh? This might be our chance to get rid of Smart and put a definite crimp in CONTROL.

Shtarker: But how can we fend off Smart and his team AND CONTROL agents?

Conrad continues to listen in and discovers a perfect way to rid himself and KAOS of the Smarts.

M OD: Look, why don’t you and Parker lead back up and the four of us will go in? At least with the two of you in charge, nothing can possibly go wrong.

Conrad: Oh something will go wrong, alright. [to Shtarker] Go get the laser and a lot of rope. Make sure every available agent is ready to move once I give the command. Smart won’t leave here alive!

 

****COMMERCIAL BREAK****

 

Setting: KAOS secret headquarters. The Smarts were sneaking around the outskirts of the compounds of the place. They stopped outside a huge brick wall that stood between them and entry into KAOS’ s main base.

Zach: [whispering] Dad…how do we know this is KAOS secret headquarters?

Max: First and foremost, I have an uncanny sense of directions. Secondly, by following a complex route of directions, I have pinpointed that this is indeed KAOS’ s secret headquarters. Third…

Maxine: Hey, Dad, does that sign mean anything?

Max: [annoyed] Maxine, I was trying to explain something to your brother. You rudely interrupted me.

Maxine: I’m sorry, but I was wondering if that sign had anything to do with your complex strategy.

Max: What sign?

Maxine: The sign that says “Welcome to KAOS secret headquarters.”

Everyone looks at Max, but he stands there, not acknowledging his error. He turns to Maxine and motions
for her to come closer.

Max: [to Maxine] Don’t say another word for the rest of the night.

Zach: But that’s totally beside the point. How are we going to get up there?

Max: [snaps his fingers] Grappling hook. I knew I forgot something.

Maxine: [looking up at wall] I have one. [everyone looks at her]

Max: [to Maxine] Was I a little too hard on you a minute ago?

Maxine: No, I really do have a grappling hook. It’s in my car.

Zach: You keep a grappling hook in your car? [Maxine nods] Who keeps a grappling hook in their car?

Maxine: [sarcastically] Obviously someone who comes prepared.

The four leave and go over to Maxine’s red Nissan truck. She opened the back hatch and climbed in, with
Zach following her. They both went over to the storage chest and Maxine took her key and opened it. Zach’s mouth dropped when he saw the things inside.

Zach: [to Max & 99] You wouldn’t believe what your daughter keeps in her truck. [looking in chest] Grenades, firearms, at least 300 Swiss army knives… [Maxine pulls out a grappling hook]…and a grappling hook.

Maxine: Told you. [hands hook to Max]

Zach: I don’t know what scares me more. The fact you keep a grappling hook in your car or the fact that I’m GLAD you keep a grappling hook in your car.

Max: [to Zach] In situations like this, son, it’s best not to question the results.

The four once again found themselves at the huge wall. Max took the grappling hook and swung it over the wall. Just as he starts climbing it, 99 sees something of importance.

99: Max, I don’t think we have to do that.

Max: [climbing] What’re you talking about, 99? We have to do this in order to get over the wall.

99: But, Max…

Max: Don’t argue, 99. This is the best and only way to get in to KAOS headquarters.

Maxine: Daddy…

Zach: Listen, girls, I think my dad knows what he’s talking about. [starts climbing] And I assure you, my dad is never wrong.

99: [watching the guys go up] Okay. [to Maxine] Come on, Maxine.

The boys continue to climb the wall and finally, Max climbs over, and climbs down the rope he had attached to the other side of the hook. When he gets down, he’s almost scared to death when he nearly bumps into 99 and Maxine.

Max: [shocked] How did you get in here?

99: Well, if you had listened to me, I would’ve told you the gate was open and you didn’t have to climb the wall.

Max: What gate?

Maxine: [pointing] The one over there.

Max: [looks] Oh.

Zach jumps down from the wall and sees the girls there with Max.

Zach: [to the girls] How’d you get in here? [to Max] How’d they get in here?

Max: Zachary, remember what I said earlier?

Zach: About how in certain situations, it’s best not to question the results?

Max: [nods] This is one of those situations. [starts to walk off]

The three follow Max cautiously, but Zach is still confused.

Zach: [to girls] How’d you get in here?

The four soon find themselves in the very core of KAOS headquarters.

Max: Look, the best thing to do, I think, is to split up.

Maxine: Isn’t that kinda dangerous, Dad?

Max: It’s a risk, but the most important thing is to find that laser and destroy it. If we split up, we’ll cover more ground faster. [to Zach & Maxine] You two go that way, and we’ll go this way.

The four go their separate ways, but soon came back, followed by a ton of KAOS agents with guns.

Maxine: [to Max] Dad, I don’t think this plan of yours will work.

Zach: [to agents] Well, I hope you’ve had your fun, cause as soon as we get lose, you’re all going to pay for this.

****COMMERCIAL BREAK****

Setting: KAOS headquarters. The Smarts has successfully gotten in to KAOS headquarters, but when were quickly captured by KAOS agents. Zach and Maxine were tied to two steel beams that held the building up. Soon, Conrad Siegfried entered the area where the two were.

Junior: [happily] Well, I see we have visitors! How nice.

Zach: Not to be rude, but just what do you think you’re doing?

Junior: Standing here. Gloating.

Zach: [annoyed] I mean besides that. Just what do you have up your sleeve?

Junior: Oh, well, it’s very simple. I’m going to blow you up.

Zach: Now that’s better! [thinking about what he had just said] Did you say you were going to blow us up? Us as in who?

Junior: Why, you and your parents of course.

Maxine: And just where ARE our parents, Junior?

Junior: [about to say something, then changes his thought] Never let it be said that Conrad Siegfried ever denied anything to a woman in distress. [walks away, then returns] [to Maxine] But don’t ever call me Junior.

Junior walks over to a large TV screen and turns it on. On screen, Max and 99 were tied to the muzzle of a very large laser.

Zach: [shocked] [to Junior] What’s that!?

Junior: That, my dear boy, is the Shusher. Beautiful, isn’t it?

Maxine: Not when you have our parents tied to it. Now, what are you up to?!

Junior: You’re very demanding, you know that? It’s kinda cute and… alluring.

Zach: Answer the question, Junior!

Junior: Very well. Like I said, I’m going to blow you up. You see, when I push that little button, you’re parents are going sky high, along with this building and yourselves.

Maxine: That’s crazy. If you blow up this building, KAOS doesn’t have a place of operation!

Zach: Now hold on, let’s not jump to conclusions. Conrad might have a good plan going here. That’s not a bad idea.

Junior: Thank you, Smart.

Maxine: You’ll never get away with it.

Junior: Yes, I will. Not only will I have rid KAOS of the Smarts, but, I’ve established a new location of operation. One in which CONTROL will never find. Well…almost time for some fireworks. [inhaling deeply] I love the smell of a CONTROL defeat. [to the twins] Don’t you? [laughs and leaves]

Maxine: Zach, what’re we going to do?

Zach: First, I’m gonna beat that Siegfried to a bloody pulp.

Maxine: [sarcastically] And how do you plan to manage that, oh great Houdini?

Zach: [about to say something, then stops] Correction. Make that the SECOND thing. First, we have to get out here.

Maxine: [sarcastically] Thank you, Amazing Cresscan. And how DO we get out of here, big brother?

Zach: [annoyed] I’m thinking. Give me a minute. [pause] I got it! I got it! This is what we’ll do. First, with sheer brute strength, we’ll rip through these ropes, then find Mom and Dad, free them, then fire the laser at the building and destroy both KAOS and the laser. [starts to struggle with ropes] [to Maxine] Good plan, huh?

Zach continues to strain himself working on the ropes until, he finally gives up.

Zach: [pause] I have an alternate plan.

Maxine: Look, Zach, let’s figure out something. It’s totally more important to save Mom and Dad and destroy the laser, right? [Zach] Well, Parker gave me an anti-destruction remote before I left. Would you like me to tell what it does?

Zach: {smugly] I don’t need to know what it does, Maxine, but if you enjoy listening to yourself talk and you’d like to go over what it does…be my guest.

Maxine: [sarcastically] You’re too kind. The anti-destruction remote turns in to any remote control that control any destructive device.

Zach: Like a laser?

Maxine: Especially a laser. If I can push the button to it, it’ll cause a short in the laser and instead of killing Mom and Dad, it’ll fire at us and destroy itself.

Zach: It’ll do what?

Maxine: Bypass Mom and Dad, hit us, and… [thinking] Oh, yes, I see your point.

Zach: Let me think of that alternate plan.

Maxine: No, Zach. This is important, right?

Zach: Right.

Maxine: The fate of the world and its existence is upon us and we have to save it, right?

Zach: Right.

Maxine: Besides, Mom and Dad’s lives are more important than ours, right? [silence from Zach] Right, Zach?

Zach: I’m thinking.

Maxine: Zachary!

Zach: [annoyed] I’m thinking! [realizes] You’re right. Are you SURE there’s no other way?

Maxine: Zachary, the fate of the free world is at stake here. [pause] I got it! Now, all I have to do is push the button.

Both Maxine and Zach close their eyes as Maxine slowly pushes the button. Suddenly, the doors open and
66 runs in with three or four CONTROL agents.

66: Are you guys okay?

Zach: [opens eyes] Oh thank God, it’s Tracie. [pause] What took you so long!? I could be dead right now! Maxine was going to blow us up!

66: [confused] What?

Maxine: [being untied] Forget about that. Mom and Dad are tied to the laser as we speak. If Junior pushes his button, we’ll all be blown to bits!

66: We already know about that. We captured Junior just a few minutes ago.

Agent: [running over] Bad news, 66. Siegfried’s escaped.

Trio: What?

Agent: Don’t worry. We rescued the Chief and Mrs. Smart and recovered this. [hands 66 a remote]

Maxine: Thank goodness! With that remote, Junior could’ve killed us all.

Zach: [serious] He still might.

66: Why Zach? Because he’s a mean, evil, despicable person who’s only goal is to destroy you and your family and eventually CONTROL?

Zach: No. I sideswiped his car pulling in here. [everyone very annoyed] I left a really big scratch. I really think he’ll be mad.

****COMMERCIAL BREAK****

Setting: CONTROL headquarters. The Smarts were being informed on Junior’s whereabouts and also reporting to the President that all was right in the world once again.

Max: Well, Zach, you’ll be happy to know Junior was recaptured and is now sitting in a jail cell.

Zach: That’s good to hear.

Max: Yes, but be on your guard, Junior can get out just like that and when he does, he’ll be looking for you.

Zach: Why’s that, Pop? Because I’m one he can’t match wits with? Because I’m crafty, more resilient, more brilliant, more….charming… than he? Because I will always come out on top in the face of danger?

Max: No. Because of the bill you left him for sideswiping his car.

Zach: I left a note.

99: Well, at least now you can think about more important things.

Maxine: Absolutely, Mom. Like forever ridding ourselves of Junior and KAOS.

Max: More important than that, Maxine. We have to think about our game against the FBI next weekend.

Zach: Now wait a minute, Pop, the FBI is like unbeaten. There’s no way we’ll beat them next weekend.

Max: We’ll just have to have something up our sleeves.

Zach: I wonder if that laser could take out the whole FBI…

Max: Oh, Zachary, really! Of course not! Not a whole baseball team. [pause] The building, maybe…

THE END CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!!

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