The Suicide Mission of San Pueblo
Setting: The sleepy little town of San Pueblo, Mexico. There were a big fiesta going on and everyone in the town was out for the festivities. The music was loud and the people were happy and excited, but all that came to a quick end. A group of men on horses came galloping into the square, shooting their guns in the air. People cried out and scattered for safety. The group of men soon stopped and looked around at the scared people.
Man 1: People of San Pueblo, I don’t believe at any point in time, we said you could have a fiesta.
Mayor: We paid you your money. The town is broke.
Man 2: Yet you can spend lavishly on a fiesta? You must have more money than you think, Don Carlo.
Mayor: We were celebrating because you promised never to come back.
Man 1: [to group] [sarcastically] Did I promise that? [men laugh] Cause I do not remember saying that. [to mayor] I’ll tell you what. You pay us a million dollars in American bills by the end of the week, and we shall leave San Pueblo alone.
Woman: You must be loco en la cabeza! Where will we find one million dollars?
Man 3: That’s not our problem, Senora. It is yours.
Man 1: Si. You have until the end of the week! [to group]¡Vayamos! [they leave]
Woman: Don Carlo, what shall we do? We do not have a million dollars. We barely have a million pesos. The town looks to you for its guidance and protection. What shall we do now?
Mayor: Lupe, if I was still a child, I’d tell you help would come from the man who has come to help San Pueblo many a time, but he is only a legend in our right. I’m not sure what we shall do, Lupe. [walks off]
Lupe goes over to a group of other women and talks to them. One of them is very interested in this case.
Woman 1: What did he say, Lupe? Is he going to find help?
Lupe: Don Carlo is very upset over this. I know he’ll find some way to stop these bandits.
Woman 2: Lupe, perhaps I can help.
Woman 1: YOU, Laura? How can you help?
Laura: I have friends in the United States. Let me call them and I’m sure they can help us.
Woman 1: Only one man can help us, Laura. We just need to call him out and he will save us.
Lupe: Enough! Either way, we need outside help. I just hope in comes in time.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS OF GET SMART!
Setting: US Airlines, flight 417. On board, passengers were either watching the in-flight movie, reading, or listening to their radios and CD players. A ways back in the plane, we see the members of TS in both aisle seats. On one side, Zach, Maxine, and Agent 66 were reading the Best Dressed Spy magazine and on the other side, Chief Maxwell Smart had been booted from his seat by Dr. Austin Parker, so he and Agent 99 could do an Italian crossword puzzle.
Zach: Hey Pop, tell me again what we’re doing.
Max: [looking around] I can’t tell you that right now. Weren’t you paying attention at this morning’s briefing?
Zach: Sorta. [dirty look from Max] Well, I got most of it. I’d just like to go over it again. Please?
Max: [sighs][annoyed] Alright, come on.
The two men get up from their seats and head for the bathrooms. Both enter their own bathroom and put on the occupied signs. Zach looks around his setting, flips on the light, and looks around again. He sees the mirror on the wall and opens it. On the other side is a very annoyed Max.
Zach: [smiling] Hi Pop! [sees expression on Max’s face] Let me guess. You’re not amused.
Max: That’s right. Now what part of that briefing didn’t you get?
Zach: I got all of it, Pop. I understand the part about us going to this little town of San Pablo…
Max: San Pueblo.
Zach: Right. And I understood about getting information from a CONTROL agent down there, Lisa Lopez…
Max: Laura Lamas.
Zach: Exactly. And I got the whole part about the town being robbed by the Bad Bandits.
Max: [annoyed] The Bandito Bandits…look, Zach, why don’t I tell you the whole thing from the very beginning? Laura Lamas is a native of San Pueblo and she went down there to see her family and to take part in this week long fiesta.
Zach: I understand that.
Max: During this fiesta, the Bandito Bandits charged through and demanded a million American dollars in order to keep them from coming back.
Zach: That part I understand.
Max: The town has been having problems with these guys for about a month and their economy is suffering because of it.
Zach: Okay, that I understand.
Max: So Laura called us and asked for our help.
Zach: That part is kosher.
Max: The president wanted us to come down here to stop these guys, in fear the town will go bankrupt.
Zach: Right there, Pop. That’s the part where it seems to just always fall apart. Why is the US so interested in this town?
Max: That, I can’t tell you.
Zach: Why not?
Max: Cause I don’t know. Your mother does.
Zach: Well, let’s get her in here! You can’t just leave me hanging!
Max: Sorry, Zach. It’ll have to wait until we get there.
The flight was uneventful, as was the train ride that took them from Arizona to the little town of San Pueblo. CONTROL agent 21, Laura Lamas, met them at the train station.
Maxine: [seeing 21] Laura!
Laura: [coming over] I’m glad you got here safely.
99: Laura, what’s wrong?
Laura: I’ll explain everything when we get to my father’s restaurant. Come on.
The drive into the town square took about five minutes and soon TS and Laura were seated in a booth at Jaime Lamas’ restaurant.
Laura: It is as I said, Chief. A couple of months back, the Bandito Bandits came to this town. It’s a group of thugs and thieves who extort money from all the smaller villages here in Mexico.
66: Isn’t that illegal? I mean, isn’t there a law that protects against that?
Laura: For the larger cities, maybe, but for small towns like us, it doesn’t apply. Half the time we’re forgotten by the legislators. Anyway, because of that, the bandits come, take money and move on, but for some reason, we keep getting targeted by them. Our mayor, Don Carlo, has paid well over a thousand dollars these last two months, but it’s not enough for them. It’s like they’re purposefully trying to bankrupt us.
Zach: I still ask the question what does this have to do with the states?
Parker: Haven’t you heard? San Pueblo has a nice little ore mine here. The US has been coming down periodically to check on it and take something back with them.
Zach: So if they go bankrupt…
Group: We go bankrupt. [Zach nods]
Max: That’s the least of our concerns. We’re not here cause the president wanted us here, we’re here cause Laura wanted us here. [smile at her]
Zach: And because you called first.
Laura: Thanks guys.
Jaime: If you ask me, only one person can save us. No offense, Chief, but I doubt that even you and your team can save us.
Maxine: What is he talking about?
Laura: Some silly legend. A tall tale, like Paul Bunyon.
Jaime: It’s not a tall tale. You forget, I’ve seen him. [goes back to work]
Zach: What’s he talking about? Who’s this guy he’s seen?
Laura: He is known as El Avenger Enmascarado.
Max: The masked avenger.
Laura: Si. It’s said that years ago when our town was being raided, this man would come in the night and capture these bandits. Then, in the morning, the bandits would be tied up and ready for the police. Women loved him and men wanted to be him. It’s said that he was in love with one woman for many years and when she died, he disappeared.
99: That sounds so romantic.
Zach: [bored] Sounds cheesy to me. [girls look at him] What? It does!
Laura: It’s supposed to be a romantic story, Zachary. Like Zorro. Little girls were taught to find a man who cares for people enough to help them. It was a good moral, but that’s just what it is. [calling to her father] A story, Poppy! [back to group] But this will make the case a lot harder for you.
Laura: The people of San Pueblo are desperate for help, but they still believe in the Masked Avenger. They might not want to talk to you.
Max: Good point.
Zach: So what do we do? How are we going to get the people to talk to us, if they only want this masked avenger guy saving the day?
Max: We’ll just have to give them a Masked Avenger. [looking at Zach]
Zach: [sarcastically] Good plan, Pop. And what poor dope are you gonna saddle with that job, huh?
Zach laughs as everyone turns to look at him. Max gets a slow smile across his face, as Zach’s laughter quiets down. He looked around at everyone and saw they were looking at him.
Zach: Why are you all looking at me like that?
A short time later, Max, 99, and Parker went to see the mayor of San Pueblo, Don Carlo Juvera.
Mayor: It is good to meet you, Senior Smart.
Max: Likewise, Don Carlo. We’ve heard of your troubles with the Bandito Bandits.
Mayor: Senior Smart, trouble doesn’t begin to explain what this group of roughnecks have done to this town. We’re practically bankrupt. If it wasn’t for the ore mine that the United States comes to use, we would’ve been gone a long time ago.
Parker: Don Carlo, can you tell us anything about these guys?
Mayor: They are lead by a man called El Diablo.
99: The Devil?
Mayor: It’s not his real name, of course, just something to strike fear into the hearts of men.
99: From the look of it, he’s doing a good job.
Mayor: Well, he’s been…how do you say?
Parker: Leaning on you?
Mayor: Pressuring us to pay them more money than we have. It’s so very…how do you say?
Max: Don’t worry, Don Carlo. You have nothing fear. We’ll take care of this guy.
Mayor: Senior Smart, I don’t think you know what kind of danger you’ll be getting into. These men aren’t your average criminals. If they find out you’re here to help, they’ll certainly come for you. You’ll be in danger at every moment.
Parker: [to 99] What did he say?
99: And…loving it.
The three left the mayor’s office and headed out to the street.
Parker: Know what we need?
Parker: No, a clue. There’s gotta be something around here that’ll tell us what’s gonna happen next.
Just then, a shot rang out, and a bullet hit Parker in the shoulder. He hit the ground with a thud and another shot rang out and hit in the between the spot where Max and 99 were standing. They quickly darted back inside, dragging Parker behind them.
99: Austin, are you alright?
Parker: Yeah. I think it’s just a scratch.
Max: Well, Austin, you wanted to know what would happen next.
Parker:[sarcastically] Yeah. Next time I’ll keep my big mouth shut.
Setting: The Ranchero de Casa hotel. Parker had his wound bandaged and Max and 99 were talking to Don Carlo.
Mayor: I’m glad no one was seriously hurt. [Parker shoots him a glare]
Max: My question is, who owns that room?
Mayor: The room?
Max: Yeah. The room from where the shot came from. Follow me. [goes down the hall to Zach’s room]
The three went in to Zach’s room, where he and Tracie were kissing.
Zach: Thank you for knocking!
Max: [heading for window] We’ll make it up to you. [at window] [to Don Carlo] Now, you see that? The room across from this one is where those shots came from. Now I ask you, who’s in that room?
Mayor: [sternly] That room, Senior Smart, is off limits to anyone.
99: Don Carlo, someone shot tried to kill us from that room!
Mayor: I’m sorry, Mrs. Smart, but the privacy of our citizens is most important. I’m sure you can resolve this without going into that room and if you do, I shall have you arrested. [leaves]
99: Of all the nerve!
Zach: Will someone please tell me what’s going on?
Max: Did you get fitted for that costume like I asked?
Zach: Yes. Did you want to see it?
Max: Tonight. [starts to leave]
Zach: Tonight? Why tonight?
Max: Because we’re going to see who owns that room across the way. [leaves with 99]
Later that night, the group met in Zach’s room and were waiting for him to change. Max was at the window with a pair of binoculars and a rope in his hand. Zach came out, dressed very dashingly. He wore a lace silk shirt, with black pants and boots. He had his mask above his head, so he could see, and a Zorro like hat on his head. A black cape rounded out the ensemble. The girls were very pleased at his attire.
Zach: [modeling for them] How do I look?
66: Wow, Zach. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in anything so dashing.
99: I agree.
Zach: Yeah, I kinda like it, too. Good thing I didn’t shave when we came down here. This little moustache ties everything together, don’t you think?
Zach: [smiling] [to Max] What do you think, Pop?
Max: [turning from window] Perfect. That’ll work out fine. Come over here. [Zach went over to window] See that window across the way?
Max: Great. You’re gonna take this rope, [hands Zach rope] swing across, go in to that room, and search around.
Zach looks at the rope, then at the window across the way, and then looks at Max.
Zach: I’m sorry, I’m going to do what?
Max: You’re going to take that rope, swing across…
Zach: [stopping him] You’re joking, right? I mean, you must be crazy. Do you have any idea how far we are from that window? Or how far down the ground is?
Max: Zach, it’s like 4 or 5 feet!
Zach: 4 or 5 feet? 4 or 5 feet! Wasn’t it four or five feet from the roof of our house to the ground when I broke my arm?
Max: [annoyed] Zach, you were seven years old. You thought you could fly like superman.
Zach: Is there any difference? I’m dressed up with a cape around my neck!
Max: [very annoyed] Zachary…take this rope, swing over there, and get in that room!
Zach: Fine, Dad. [steps out on the balcony] Fine. I’ll do it cause you’re ordering me to. [looking at Max] But I’m not gonna enjoy it, just to spite you.
Max: [pause][sarcastically] I’m hurt. I’m really tearing up inside. [angrily] Now, get over there!
Zach took a big breath before stepping on top of the balcony railing. He then took another breath and swung across. He was doing just fine; he got to the other window’s balcony…and slammed right into the side of the wall. The rest of TS saw this and cringes at the same time of Zach’s impact. Max passed over the binoculars to 99. Zach stood up, dizzily and looked at the wall. He then turned around, stared into his room, and started mouthing obscenities.
99: [looking through binoculars] [to Max] I don’t think he’s very happy with you. [hands binoculars to Max]
Max: [sees Zach] [put binoculars down] You know, in some cases, you’d think I’d be upset about that. [pause] But I’m not. [pause] [sniffing] Excuse me.
Across the way, Zach gained his composure and went through the window into the room. The room was rather dark and it took Zach sometime for his eyes to adjust to the dark. He moved around quietly and started checking the floor for any spent shells a gun might have left. He didn’t see any, so he started going over to the dresser. He opened the top dresser as quietly as he could and started to rummage through it. The first thing he pulled out was a woman’s bra.
Zach: If this is a guy, he’s very confused.
He continued going through the dresser, but couldn’t find anything. He was starting to think he was in the wrong room. He decided the best thing would be to go back over to his own room. He backed up into something and it fell on the floor.
Woman’s Voice: Who is it? Who’s there? [turns on the light] It’s you!
Zach: Yes. Yes, it is.
Woman’s Voice: El Avenger Enmascardo? You’ve come to save us?
Zach: Of course! It’s what any super, legendary, mythical hero would do. And you, Senorita? You are?
Lupe: I am Lupita Gonzales.
Zach: Well, Lupita, you must promise and tell no one of my visit here tonight. [heads for window]
Lupe: I promise. I can’t believe it. You’re really here.
Zach: Of course. Now, [turns light off] go to sleep. Pretend this was all one big…dream sequence from which you will remember nothing. [gets rope] I’m off!
Zach takes the rope and starts to swing back over to his room. Unfortunately, in mid flight, the rope snaps and he falls.
Zach: [screaming] AAAAGGGHHHH!!!
Maxine: [from window] [to others] It’s okay. He landed in the water stall. He’s coming back up.
Zach goes back upstairs to his room, opens the door, and slams it closed.
Max: Well? What did you find over there?
Zach: Well, [removing cape] look out.
Zach takes the cape and flips it so the water would come out, causing water to fling in the direction of the others.
Zach: [others give him dirty looks] I said look out. [unbuttoning shirt] I went over there and there’s nothing there.
99: Are you sure?
Zach: Absolutely. No bullets, no gun. Just some sleepy woman I woke up in the middle of the night.
66: Great. Back to square one.
Parker: Correction. Back to square zero. We never had a square one.
Max: Well, who’s the woman over there?
Zach: Lupita Gonzales. And I told her to forget she even saw me.
Max: I wish you hadn’t. Maybe she’ll tie us in with the arrival of you and start talking to people, which will make them talk to us.
Zach: Well, if I know women, and I think I do, she’ll be blabbing about this whole thing to her friends tomorrow.
99: [sarcastically] Let’s hope so. Or you don’t know women like you think you do.
Zach: Look gang, tomorrow’s another day. Maybe when word gets out about the return of the masked avenger, that party’ll start up again and maybe we’ll see a showing of our famous bandits. [pause] Now, if you all don’t mind, I’d like to get out of these pants. They’re soaking wet.
Maxine: Well, that’s an invitation for me to leave.
Max: Don’t let your guard down, Zachary. [leaves with others]
As the group leaves Zach’s room and heads to theirs, they pass two men heading to their rooms. The men watch as the others go into their rooms and then they stop in front of Zach’s door.
Man 1: This is the room?
Man 2: Si, but we can’t do anything now. This’ll have to wait until tomorrow when Smart is all alone.
Man 1: What about the others?
Man 2: We shall take care of them tomorrow as well. Tell the Banditos that KAOS is right behind them.
Setting: The village square. Just as Max and Zach predicted, the fiesta restarted as word about the masked avenger’s return spread. Max sent Zach and the girls to the square to find Agent 22, who was supposed to be posing as a local vendor. Instead the four found Hector Reyes, agent ocho (8).
Zach: [to Agent 8] Man, what’re you doing here? I though Agent 22 was posing as the vendor.
Reyes: He was, but he likes his new hiding place much better.
Zach: Where’s he at now?
Reyes: The women’s dressing room. For the fiesta.
Zach: Oh yeah? How’d he get a cozy gig like that? No way my Dad put him there.
Reyes: I traded places with him.
Zach: What for?
Reyes: Man, where’ve you been? I just got married. My wife would kill me!
99: Have you found out anything? About the case, that is.
Reyes: Absolutely. [sees someone coming] [toZach] Here, eat this. [hands Zach a taco] It’s my own special recipe.
Zach: Oh yeah. [takes taco] I heard your cooking’s the best, Hector.
Hector: I just heard KAOS is in town. [Zach takes a bite of taco]
As soon as Zach’s lips and tongue met with the taco, his mouth was on fire. He instantly screamed and tried to fan the flames in his mouth.
Hector: [looking at him] What? Too hot? [looking for something] Just calm down, dude. I can fix that.
Hector finds a large bottle, pours some in a glass and hands it to Zach. Zach takes the glass.
Hector: Now, don’t drink it all in one…[Zach gulps it down] gulp.
Again Zach starts screaming, causing people to look over to the vendor stand. Maxine takes a look at the bottle.
Maxine: Vintage tequila. That’s a twist.
66: [to Hector] You were saying about KAOS?
Reyes: I heard that KAOS has sent down a couple of their guys to have a meeting with the Bandito Bandits. [to Zach] Wanna know why?
Zach, still in great pain, looks at Hector, then gestures towards the girls.
Maxine: [to Hector} I give. Why?
Reyes: Well, from what I heard, the bandits are going use the money they get from San Pueblo and buy guns and other weaponry from KAOS.
99: What does KAOS get out of this?
Reyes: What else? The town.
66: And the ore mine. What a nice set up.
Reyes: I was talking to 22 this morning and I think he said one of the women involved in the fiesta is a KAOS agent.
Zach: [softly] [still on fire] Does…does he know which…one?
Reyes: If he does, he hasn’t told me. You should go and ask him. [Zach shakes his head no]
Maxine: He couldn’t stand the embarrassment.
Reyes: Well, all I say is be careful. I’ve heard about these bandits. They are not people to play around with it. [to Zach] I’d watch your back, amigo. These guys find out you’re trying to help, they’ll slit your throat ear to ear.
Zach: Good. Maybe some cool air will get in.
Meanwhile, Max and Parker were in the building across from their hotel lodgings. They were still convinced something was in the room across from Zach’s, so they waited until they could have a chance to get in there.
Parker: [knocking on door] Room service. [no answer]
Max picked the lock with a skeleton key and the two men entered the room. Parker took one side and Max took the other. Across the way in the Zach’s room, he and the girls had just come upstairs.
66: So what now? We know why KAOS is here and what the Bandito Bandits want with the money, so what’s next?
Zach: [by window] Obviously darling, stop the whole thing.
Maxine: [sarcastically] Okay and how do we do that?
Zach: [looking out window] That’s your job, genius. You’re one of the brains of the group. Think of something.
Zach picked up Max’s binoculars, which were lying on the sill and looked over at the window across the way.
99: The first thing we have to do is find these bandito bandits. [looks at Zach] What’re you doing?
Zach: [with binoculars] I think Dad and Parker are over in that room over there. See? [hands 99 binoculars]
99: That’s definitely your father. What’re they doing other there?
Zach: Only one way to find out.
Zach does a loud whistle to attract the guys’ attention. Max and Parker stop searching, look at each other, and then out the window, where they see Zach waving to them. The two men go out on to the balcony and wave back. Just then, the doorknob of the room was starting to turn.
99: [through binoculars] Oh no! [to Zach] They have to get out there!
Zach starts pointing at the door behind them. Max and Parker look at Zach, then each other, and then back at Zach, still confused at what he was trying to tell them. They finally heard the door being unlocked and the two scrambled to find somewhere to hide on the balcony. They quickly found spots on either side of the window, just as Don Carlo walked into the room. He looked around for a minute and saw the window was opened. He walked outside, not noticing Max or Parker, and saw across the way in Zach’s room. Zach and 99 stood with their backs to the window, watching the action through Maxine’s compact.
99: [looking in mirror] He doesn’t see them, but he’s very interested in us.
Don Carlo walked slowly backwards into the room, turned and left. Zach and 99 quickly turned back around and Zach gave the okay sign to Max and Parker.
Max: Let’s get out of here.
The two men quickly left the room, locked it, and went back over to their hotel building. Within minutes, they were in Zach’s room with the others.
66: That was certainly close, guys.
Parker: Tell me about it. When he came out on that balcony, I thought we were done for sure.
Zach: Find anything?
Max: Nothing. By the way, was that my imagination or was that Don Carlo who was out on that balcony?
99: Definitely not your imagination. But then again, he did tell us to stay away from that room.
Max: Uh huh. But why?
Zach: I dunno. You tell us, Chief of CONTROL.
Max: [annoyed] You tell me, number one son. You talked to Agent 22 today.
Maxine: Correction. We talked to Agent 8 today. Agent 22 is staked out in the women’s dressing room.
Max: What? [to> Zach] Are you serious? [Zach nods] How did he get a cozy job like that? I didn’t assign him there.
Zach: Agent 8 got married. But he did tell us something very interesting.
Max: That being?
99: The Bandito Bandits are planning on using the million dollars to buy weapons from our old friends at KAOS.
Max: Of course. I should’ve seen that coming.
Maxine: Look, guys. If we know whose behind this, why don’t we go get them? That’s certainly our job.
Max: Correction. It’s your brother’s job.
Zach: [confused] Excuse me? [Max picks up Zach’s cape] [laughs] No way, man! That was a one night gig! Not to be duplicated! You won’t be getting me in that again.
Just then, the group heard a plethora of gun shots. They quickly hurried to the window and saw the Bandito Bandits.
Max: I got an idea. [looks at Zach]
Zach: Why do I have a feeling this plan involves me, a mask, a cape, and a rope?
Setting: The town square. In the middle of it were the Bandito Bandits, once again coming for money.
El Diablo: We’ve come for our money.
Mayor: You said the end of the week! It’s only been two days since you were here last!
Man 1: We got tired of waiting. Now, either give us our money or we shall destroy the town.
Zach: You’ll have to go through me first!
The bandits and the town all turned to see Zach as the masked avenger.
Diablo: And who are you, amigo?
Max’s Voice: [in Zach’s head] Just keep them distracted.
Zach: [walking towards them] I am the one who walks at night. I save those in need and destroy those that cause pain. You can call me the Masked Avenger.
The bandits look at Zach and start to laugh. While they’re laughing, Parker and Maxine quickly hurry over to some of the horses and placed tracking devices in the sacks and then quickly rushed back.
Diablo: [pointing gun at Zach] You have one minute to get out of the way, amigo. Or you will be the dead avenger.
Zach looked at the barrel of gun and turned his eyes to where Max, 66, and Parker were urging him to go over to where they were. He looked back and forth between the two for a while before clearing his throat.
Zach: You won’t be taking any more of these peoples’ money.
Diablo: [clicking hammer] What did you say?
Zach: I said…[nervously] You heard me. Now…go away.
El Diablo looked at Zach, then started to get down from his horse. Zach looked away as he did and waited until Diablo was right in front of him. When Zach looked back, he didn’t see anyone in front of him. Then he looked down. There was El Diablo, about a foot and a half shorter than Zach. Zach was shocked. Then his shock turned to laughter.
Zach: [laughing] This…this is your El Diablo. [laughing harder] Look how short…[continuing to laugh] “mini” Diablo…
Diablo didn’t find this funny at all and hit Zach as hard as he could in the solar plexus. Zach bent over in pain and reached the height where Diablo hit him and caused him to fly backwards onto the ground. Zach was dazed, confused, and now flat on his back on the ground. Suddenly, El Diablo was on top of him, strangling him. Zach finally mustered the strength to knock the little man off of him and he struggled to get up.
Zach: [out of breath] Geez, he tried to…
Again, Diablo came back, this time with a wire around Zach’s neck. Max came from around the corner and tried to aim at Diablo’s back. One of the bandits saw this and took aim at Max. A shot rang out and it knocked Max’s gun from his hand. Diablo continued his assault on Zach, kicking him in the back, then knocking him out. He then turned to the people who stood and watched.
Diablo: You people now owe me 5 million dollars. [looking at Zach] You can thank…your hero for the payment.
El Diablo got back on his horse and the gang rode off.
66: [to Parker] Oh man, this could not get any worse.
66: I can’t believe this got worse.
The scene changes to the San Pueblo jail, where all the members of TS sat in a cell.
Max: We have got to get out of here.
Parker: And exactly how are we going to do that? On orders from Mayor Don Carlo, we are not to be let out of here.
99: There’s something I don’t like about him.
Max: [sarcastically] [looking at 99] And how long have you had these suspicions?
99: Oh come on, Max. You had them too.
Zach: Hey gang, I totally agree. It feels like we’ve been set up. And you know who I think’s behind it? [pause] What’s her name.
Maxine: [sarcastically] Well, that does narrow down the list.
Zach: You know. Laura Lamas. Very convenient for her to call us down here. She’s the one who knew when the bandits would show and I bet you she was the one who took a shot at you, Austin. It all makes sense.
Just then, the group heard a whistle and saw Laura on the other side of the barred window.
Zach: Laura! [goes over to window] Thank God it’s you! You gotta get us out of here!
Laura: Believe me, I’m working on it. Here. [hands Zach a key] That’s the key to the cell. Just let me take care of the guard. [leaves]
Zach looks at the key and then turns around to see everyone looking at him.
Zach: What? I could be wrong.
The door to the jail opened and Laura walked in. She talked to the guard for a while and had him very entranced with her. As soon as she had his attention, she motioned for Zach to use the key. Zach quickly went over and unlocked the cell as quietly as he could. Then he and the rest of TS left the cell and walked over to the two by the desk.
Max: [to guard] Hi! [knocks guard out] Sweet dreams. [to others] Okay, let’s put him in the cell.
After putting the guard in the cell, the gang regrouped.
Laura: I followed the bandits tracking and drew you a map of where they are, Chief. [gives Max map] But you must be careful. I’m sure Don Carlo is outside right now. You’re escape must be in secret.
Max: [rubbing injured hand] Don’t worry about us. Actually…[thinking] [goes to the window]
Don Carlo stood only fifteen from where the jailhouse was. Next to him were four horses tied to the watering stall. Max turned back around, trying to think of a plan.
Max: [snapping his fingers] I got it!
Minutes later, Laura came out of the jail and started to talk to Don Carlo. While she engaged him in conversation, the Smarts made a quick exit to the horses. They quickly untied them and took off. Don Carlo saw them leave, but was not able to stop them. The Smarts rode until they thought they were out of sight and were in the area of the bandits’ hideout.
99: Max, are you sure we’re going the right way?
Zach: Absolutely, Mom. Not only does Dad have a map, but he’s an expert in scouting out complicated routes and paths.
Max: [smiling] Thank you, Zachary.
Zach: Besides, that sign says the hideout is just over this hill.
Max: [looking at Zach] What sign?
Zach: [pointing] That sign.
Max, 99, and Maxine turned to where Zach was pointing a saw a large sign that said, Bandito bandit hideout, straight ahead, over the hill.
Max: [to camera] Well, how do you like that? They made a sign.
Maxine: So, wait a minute. We can’t just go charging down there.
Max: Max’s right. We gotta think of something. We need some sort of gimmick that’ll distract them…[looks at Zach, who’s still wearing his masked avenger suit, just without the hat and mask]
Zach: Oh come on! Twice isn’t enough for you?! I’m starting to feel a little bit silly! Don’t I have a say in this?
Zach: [sarcastically] Oh, majority rules, huh? I see how this family is. Alright. Fine. I’ll go down there. Get myself killed, but you know what? I’m not going to enjoy it, just to spite you!
Down below, the bandits were meeting with the two men from KAOS. The two men were sitting on two large crates.
Man 2: Will you have our money?
Diablo: And more, amigo. That little town tried to pass off one of their dumb legends to me today, until I beat him to a senseless pulp. [everyone laughs] I doubled our offer. We will receive five million dollars or we shall destroy the town.
Man 1: We still have a deal? You get the weapons, we get the town?
Diablo: Of course.
Man 2: You haven’t had any problems with the Smarts, have you?
Man 1: Chief Maxwell Smart and his team. They’re in town.
Bandit 1: You mean that guy I shot today?
Man 2: [surprised] You shot and killed Maxwell Smart?
Bandit 1: I shot him. I did not kill him.
Man 1: Perhaps you can do something we at KAOS can not. The Smarts are definitely here, but I don’t think they know we’re here. We found one agent hiding in the women’s dressing room. He’s probably still tied up where we left him. I don’t think the Smarts even know what the real plan is.
Zach: The real plan is for you all to come peacefully with me and be taken to jail!
The group look up and see Zach standing on the ledge.
Diablo: How did you get here?
Zach: I have my ways.
Diablo: It was the big sign, wasn’t it?
Zach: [nods] Yeah, basically.
Diablo: I knew it! A simple password would have surficed! [to Zach] [pulling out gun] I’m not going to miss you this time, avenger.
Zach: Before you shoot me, perhaps you should know you are completely surrounded by officers of the law.
Man 2: I find that hard to believe.
Zach: [pause] Really? [pause] Um…would you…um…would you excuse me? [turns around and looks at Max, pleading for help]
Max: You didn’t specify how many officers of the law!
Zach: [annoyed] Well, Dad, I’m just making this up as I go along. I’m usually prepared, I have a little starter before getting in to it…
Maxine: Will you just go back out there?
Zach: [turning back around] [to group of bad guys] Would you believe officers of the court?
Zach: Officers of the student council? [no answer] Naval officer? Petty officer? [no response] [pause] Bike cop?
Diablo: [pause] Get him!!
Zach took off running, with his family right behind him as the bandits and KAOS men got on their horses and charged around a path to get to them. It was a chase back to San Pueblo and it was a good one. The Smarts got back and left their horses and were looking for somewhere to hide, when they were spotted by Don Carlo and some of his officers.
Mayor: There they are! Get them!
Zach: Just isn’t our day, is it?
The Smarts went off running and managed to run into Parker and 66.
66: What’re you guys running from?
99: The Bandito Bandits, a couple of KAOS agents, the law…
Parker: Never a dull moment with you Smarts, is it?
Max: Right now, we gotta find someplace to hide. Actually, we should probably get some help. No, I think we should hide first.
Maxine: Dad, this is not the time to be undeceive.
Mayor: Over there!
The group run into the back of the local cantina.
Max: Okay, this is what we’ll do. Tracie, you and Parker go get help. The four of us…um…
Zach: Will think of a new plan?
Max: Well…something like that. [to66 & Parker] Just get help from anywhere.
Parker: Right, Chief. [duo leave]
Zach: That…that was a great plan, Dad. So what’s our plan?
Max: Okay, this is what we’ll do. We’re going to stand back here and…think of a really good plan.
99: That’s not much of plan, Max.
Max: That’s because it’s an outline of a plan.
Zach looked around and saw a group of four musicians who were getting ready to play next.
Zach: [to family] I got an idea. [points to musicians] [trio looks at musicians and nod to each other] [to musicians] Uno momento, por favor!
The announcer for the cantina got on stage and introduced the next number. On stage, came the Smarts, dressed as the musicians. They started to sing the traditional Cielito Lindo [Canta y No Llores}, with Zach on lead. The first verse went very well and they even got the audience to sing along as well. During the third time of the chorus, the law, with Don Carlo leading the way, walked in. On the words, “I-yi-yi-yi”, the Smarts started to turn so the men couldn’t see them. From the side door, entered the bandito bandits. During Maxine’s guitar solo, Zach had to tell Max and 99 something.
Zach: We can’t keep this song going forever, you know.
Max: We know.
Zach: And we’ll have to get out of here somehow.
99: We know.
Zach: So? Any suggestions?
Max: That we don’t know.
Zach: Well, at least you’re honest.
Zach then took a solo in the chorus.
Maxine: [to Max & 99] You know…
Both: We know!
Max: Look, I have a suggestion.
Zach then started the song again and as he sung, Maxine told him the plan. They finished and quickly hurried out the opposite way they came. They ran into the square, still trying to find somewhere to hide.
Diablo: [from behind] Hold it!
The Smarts turned around and saw El Diablo with a pistol in his hand.
Diablo: Who is the man that so bravely wanted to face me today?
Zach: That would be me. Zachary Smart, Agent 78 of CONTROL.
Diablo: Ah. So you are the son of Maxwell Smart, huh? So I shall have the privilege of killing the whole Smart family?
Max: No. You’ll have the privilege of killing my son. And maybe my daughter, but you can’t kill all of us. [Zach and Maxine look at him]
Maxine: Daddy, don’t add to the situation.
99: Face it, El Diablo. You’re finished. You only have one gun, but there are four of us. And there’s nothing that says we can’t easily get away from you.
Diablo: I have one gun with six bullets, Mrs. Smart.
Max: [annoyed] Nothing, but that.
Zach: [to 99] Don’t add.
Diablo: Why don’t I give you a sporting chance? Me against your best shooter.
Zach: Max! Maxine’s our best shooter!
Diablo: [points at Zach] You.
Zach: But… [Diablo points gun at Zach] Of course. I’m always the one singled out. [to family] You know, just once, just once, I’d like it if someone singled you guys out. Makes it a more even playing field.
As Diablo and Zach got started for a showdown, Don Carlo and his men found the Smarts as well.
Mayor: Getting ready for a duel, huh? [removing his gun]
Zach: Look, Don Carlo, we know the two of you are in cohorts with each other. Why don’t you make this an even playing field?
Mayor: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
99: Don’t act dumb, Don Carlo. We know you were the one who set us up against the Bandito Bandits. You probably hired someone to take a shot at us through that window.
Mayor: I sincerely hope you enjoyed your short stay in jail, Mrs. Smart, because you and your family will find yourselves there for a much longer stay.
Max: It’s just a matter of time before you’ll be hauled off to jail yourself.
Don Carlo turned and fired at El Diablo and missed, but another shot came and hit Don Carlo. Zach took a shot in the dark and hit someone else, when another shot rang out. When the smoke had cleared, Lupe stood by the cantina, with a gun in her hand and El Diablo lay on the ground. Don Carlo struggled to his feet and saw her.
Mayor: Lupe, you saved me.
Lupe: Correction, Don Carlo. I shot you.
Don Carlo was shocked, but then again he was also dying. He too fell to the ground. Lupe then turned her gun on Zach.
Lupe: That was a nice show, Senior Smart. You may have had the town fooled as the masked avenger, but not me. [to Max and 99] It was I who took a shot at you from my window. I was mistaken with who I shot, [to Zach] but not now.
Maxine: Isn’t that bad business to shoot your partners in crime?
Lupe: Don Carlo didn’t suspect at all. The fact that he was in love with me aided in my protection. But then again, he also stood in my way. As for El Diablo…I thought he was a brilliant man. A lot of good and cunning ideas. I liked him a lot.
Zach: Gee, what would you have done if you didn’t like him?
Lupe: I was going to own this town, but you and your family had to stand in my way. [points gun at Zach]
Before she can fire, shots ring out and Lupe falls over, dead. From the jailhouse, Laura comes over to the Smarts.
Zach: [to Laura] Nice shot. But tell me…[annoyed] how long were you going to wait before she almost shot me?
Laura: [sarcastically] You’re welcome, Zach. [to Max] CONTROL should be on their way, Chief.
Max: Great. Well, we have three dead people on our hands. [looking at bodies]
99: But wait a minute, Max. There were five shots taken. There was the shot from Don Carlo that missed El Diablo, the shots from Lupe that killed Don Carlo and El Diablo, the one Zach took, and the one Laura used to kill Lupe.
Zach: Yeah. So if, one bullet missed, and three people are dead…what happened to my bullet? Who did I hit?
Parker and Tracie came over from the cantina. Parker was holding the same shoulder that had been hit by Lupe’s shot.
Parker: We were coming over to help, when you shot me.
Zach: Sorry about that, Austin. [pats the shoulder that was hit. Parker in lots of pain] Sorry.
Setting: The train ride back from San Pueblo. Parker’s shoulder was bandaged and his arm in a sling, sat on one aisle with Maxine, while Max, 99, Zach, and Tracie sat in the same section.
Zach: It was pretty cool that Laura gets to be presiding Mayor for a while. At least until the next elections.
99: She deserves it. It’s her hometown and she’s done a lot for it.
66: I’m just glad the bandito bandits are out of circulation.
Max: Well, jail time usually softens up someone. But the moral of the story is, when one of our own is in trouble, we will rush by their side. That should be the new code for CONTROL. No matter what happens, we will always be there for each other.
Maxine: Dad! We forgot 22 back there tied up in that dressing room!
Max: [everyone looks at Max] From this moment on, no matter what happens, we will always be there for each other.
The scene changes to Agent 22 sitting, all alone in a dressing room, tied to a chair.
22: Hello? Could somebody help me?
THE END CREDITS TO GET SMART!!
22: Is there anyone out there? Hey, people at home! Could you send someone to get me? My arms are starting to go numb.