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The Summer of Love and Death

 

 

SETTING: The office of the Chief of CONTROL. Inside, Chief Maxwell Smart is trying to give a briefing on how summer activities will go for that summer.

Max: So, what I’m thinking is, we’ll do rotations like we usually do when we’re short on agents. Now, in order to this we have to…

Max looks up and sees that his son, Zachary Smart, Agent 78, is much more in tuned to the clock.

Max: Zach, are you listening to me?

Zach: [looks at Max] Hmm? Oh, yeah, Dad. Go on with what you were saying.

Max: See, the way I figure, agent 22 and agent 39 will be up for rotation, so then…[looks at Zach] Zach? [sarcastically] Help, Zach, I’m on fire.

Zach: [still looking at clock] That’s great, Pop.

Max: Zachary! [Zach looks at his father] This isn’t school, you know. You don’t have to wait for me to say dismissed.

Zach: Sorry, Pop, but you know I’m taking my vacation today. 66 and I are going skiing this summer at Ski Pines. Winter every year. That’s what the brochure says. [dreamily] This is what this whole year has been adding up to, this. This summer.

Max: Believe me, I want you to go. I really do, but I have to give you this briefing.

Zach: I understand, Dad. By the way, why I am I the only one to get this briefing? Where’s Max and 66?

Max: Max is at home, packing. And 66 is finishing up an assignment for me. So, it’s just you.

Zach: Well, where’s Parker?

Max: Parker left for Maine yesterday, so he could see his family.

Zach: I thought Parker didn’t get along with his family.

Max: He doesn’t. He’s going to see his sister and her baby. She just had a girl. Then when he comes back, he and Max are going to Florida.

Zach: Oh, assignment?

Max: Disneyland and Busch Gardens. Look, Zach, you’re anxious to get of here, so go ahead. I have to get home and start packing myself.

Zach: That’s right. Mom starts her vacation today too. Where’re you guys going?

Max: Your mother and I are going on a cruise.

Zach: Romantic.

Max: Very. I’ve been planning this trip for months. [walks out with Zach]

Zach: Well, have fun and send us a postcard.

The guys stop at the desk of Trudi, the office secretary, but it isn’t she who’s behind the desk.

Zach: 22! What are you doing at Trudi’s desk?

22: Didn’t you hear? Trudi’s sick, so I’m taking her place. This is my vacation.

Max: Look, 22, seeing as I won’t be here, why don’t you go ahead and take a vacation?

22: That’s real nice of you, Chief, but if it’s alright with you, I’d rather stay here.

Zach: Trouble with flight tickets?

22: No. I could easily get a free flight. If you must know, it’s my uncle.

Max: 13? How is ole Agent 13?

22: Not too good.

Zach: [worried] Oh? What’s wrong?

22: He has secret envy.

Max: What secret is he envying?

22: No, he HAS secret envy. He envies everything that’s secret. It’s all due to that case last year when he was stuck in that car engine. The fumes and stuff gave him a terrible concussion. He was in the hospital for weeks.

Zach: But he’s okay now?

Max: How do you get secret envy?

22: You go around keeping secrets! [Zach and Max look at each other] And you call yourselves spies.

Zach & Max: Go home, 22.

THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!!!!

SETTING: CONTROL headquarters. Within days of their departure, Team Smart is called back in the office,
which does not please the vacationers.

Zach: [walking through the door, wearing a ski jacket] Dad! [walks over to desk] Dad, what’s going on? Tracie and I were on this groovy little slope, about to start off, when my ski phone rings. We were at Ski Pines for a day!

Max: [angrily] How do you think I feel!? That cruise your mother and I were taking cost a fortune! And I have to be here!

Maxine: Where is Mom?

Max: By my watch, she should be sailing to Rio by now.

Parker: You mean, Mrs. Smart’s taking the cruise without you?

Max: She was nice enough to say she’d bring something back for me. [pauses] God, I hate her.

Maxine: Dad! That wasn’t nice.

Max: [angrily] I don’t care! She gets to go to Rio and I’m stuck here with you four. [pouts]

Zach: [sarcastically] We’ll try not to take that personally.

66: Chief, why are we here?

Max: I don’t know. I got a call from the President and he said he wanted all of us back here. He said he’d broadcast something over the TV to us.

A little beeping noise was heard and Max went over to the wall panel for the TV remote.

Max: I think that’s the President now.

Max pressed the button to raise the wall panel and expose the TV. Max pressed the on button from the remote and the President was already on.

Prez: Members of CONTROL. I’m sorry to intrude on your vacation time, but this was of the most urgency. The evil organization of KAOS has invented a formula for dehydrating the world.

Max: Not the dehydrating-formula-for-destroying-the-world trick. KAOS can never come up with anything original.

Prez: This isn’t just an ordinary formula. The formula was created by a Prof. Valentine Walhalla. This formula has the potential of destroying the world as we know it. It’s a weather formula, that can not only control the weather in the world, but it can be used as a form of drying up all the nation’s water and causing more damage to the ozone layer, and last but not least, it can make the sun hotter or the moon
cooler than normal temperature.

Zach: I find that really hard to believe.

Prez: I’m sure you probably find this hard to believe, but it’s true. There was a demonstration earlier today in the country of Australia.

Maxine: I wonder what happened.

Prez: You’re probably wondering what happened.

Max: He’s good.

Prez: Australia had snow…

Zach: Snow? But that’s virtually impossible!

Prez: Which you know is virtually impossible.

Maxine: He’s really good.

Prez: I need you to find Professor Walhalla and stop him and his formula. I just got word that the international organization of KAOS is perhaps hiding Walhalla in their secret lab located in the Sahara
desert.

Max: [confused] If it’s a secret, how do we know about it?

Prez: I’m sure you know how we know about the secret lab. I’m sending over a map to you so you can locate it. You have 48 hours to find, destroy, and arrest Valentine Walhalla and his formula.

Zach: 48 hours? There’s no way we can do this in 48 hours!

Prez: I’m sure 48 hours is nothing to you. The country waits for your successful mission. [screen goes blank]

Max: Well, I guess you guys know what to do. [phone rings] [picks up]

Zach: Dad, this is nuts. We can’t do a case in just two days. Especially when we have to travel to the Sahara desert. That’ll take a day alone.

Max: [on phone] Hello, Chief here.

99: Max!

99 is the docks calling from a pay phone. The switches back and forth between her and Max.

Max: Oh, hello, 99. [sarcastically] Having a nice trip?

99: Max, I’m at the docks. The cruise was cancelled.

Max: What! Why?

99: On account of snow.

Max: [confused] There was snow on the boat?

99: No, there was snow in Rio.

Max: It’s snowing in Rio? 99, that’s virtually impossible.

99: I know Max, that’s what I told the captain, but I saw TV coverage of it. It’s definitely snowing in Rio. So, I was wondering if you could pick me up at the docks.

Max: Sure, 99. I’m on my way. [hangs up]

Maxine: Was that Mom, Daddy?

Zach: [sarcastically] How’s her vacation?

Max: She’s at the docks. Apparently, it’s snowing in Rio.

66: Chief, but that’s virtually impossible!

Zach: Well, so is snow in Australia. [to Max] When do we leave, Dad?

Max: Immediately. I’ll make a call to the CONTROL airport while I’m down at the docks. Wait there for a plane.

The junior members of TS go down to the CONTROL hanger. After about five minutes, the four were approached by a pilot.

Pilot: Which one of you is Agent 78?

Zach: I’m 78.

Pilot: You look pretty young to me. [look from Zach] Anyways, the Chief told me to take you guys to the Sahara for a case.

Zach: That’s right. I assume you have the map of the secret lab that KAOS owns out there.

Pilot: I do. I just got it a couple of minutes ago. [walking to airplane] [others follow] From the map, the KAOS lab is located somewhere beneath the sand of the Sahara. [opening plane door]

Maxine: Are you joking? You’ve got to be joking.

Parker: How are we supposed to find a lab underneath a million tons of sand?

Pilot: That’s not my problem, buddy. You’re the spy. You figure it out.

Everyone gets in the plane and the pilot starts to take off. In the back of the plane, the team tries to figure out some sort of strategy.

Zach: Okay, this is my plan. As soon as we land, we try our very best to find that lab.

Parker: No worries, 78. I happened to bring a few things that might help us in this quest.

Parker picks up the briefcase he had near his seat and opened it.

Parker: First, in order to find our hidden lab, I packed this. [pulls out a pin]

Zach: [looking at pin] That! That is what’s going to help us save the world!? A pin! We’re doomed. We are so doomed.

Parker: It’s not an ordinary pin, Smart. Inside is a very powerful electronic sensor that can detect any kind of metal or metallic substance. If there’s any metal in that lab, this little pin will find it.

Zach: Groovy little device, Parker. [taking pin] Your own invention?

Parker: Of course. Now this little beauty, [taking out a pencil] is the pencil phone. Just unscrewed the eraser to use the receiver and talk in to the metal end. [hands pencil to 66] I also have small pamphlets of the file on Walhalla. I’ve already read mine, and I can tell you, the guy’s a nut.

Zach: Not all the grapes hanging from the vine?

Parker: That’s putting it mildly. He’s a great scientific mind. A genius really, but he’s absentminded.

66: What professor isn’t?

Parker: Anyway, everything we need to know about him is in these little books. [hands out books]

Zach: Parker, [looking out window] I just realized something as I looked out the window. Even if we find the lab where KAOS is keeping Walhalla, how are we supposed to get in? I mean, the lab is buried under billions and billions of grains of sand. Unless there’s a big sign saying, “KAOS Secret Lab located here, key under mat” I highly doubt we have the resources to get in.

Maxine: Never underestimate the powerful brain of Austin Parker.

Parker: [to Maxine] When you’re right, you’re right, Max.

66: So you do have a way of getting in?

Parker: Of course! Have I ever let you down?

Zach: Well, there was that one time when….

Parker: I wasn’t talking to you, Smart. [to 66] In Prof. Walhalla’s profile, it does go in to the lab he’s working in. There’re two doors, one with a combination lock and the other with a key lock. I made sure to bring along every possible combination of keys I could get my hand on.

Zach: [turning back to Parker] That’s great, Parker. How are we on weapons?

Parker: Assuming we all have our standard issued weapons, I really didn’t see a need to bring any.

Zach: You’re joking.

Parker: Prof. Walhalla may be an evil genius, but he’s not violent. In any case, I did bring the descructo-pea.

Maxine: The destructo pea! Hey, that’s great!

Zach: Yeah, Parker, that brilliant! Of course, the destructo-pea! I’m glad that in a situation like this, you brought the destructo-pea. I can’t tell you how happy I am. [pauses] That’s why you’ll have to forgive my…naivete, if you will, by asking this rather odd, but very important question. What exactly, IS the destructo-pea?

Parker: [gravely] It’s a pea that consists of about 100 tons of explosives.

66: In just a tiny pea? Parker, that’s amazing!

Parker: I brought a bunch of them. Most of them only have small explosives just to blow a room 8 x 11ft. , but the really massive one is a really dark green with a big B on it.

Maxine: What’s the B stand for?

Parker: Boom.

Zach: Parker, I have another question.

Parker: Big surprise.

Zach: I…[gives Parker dirty look] I was wondering, exactly what kind of dark green is the destructo-pea? I mean, is it like a dark lime green or a forest green?

Parker: It’s hard to say. I think the other peas would be considered a forest green.

66: Really? I always that peas to be a regular green.

Parker: It depends on your definition of green. I think…

Maxine: You guys, I think we’re getting a tad bit off the subject.

Zach: Right. Parker, do you think we’ll have to blow up the lab after we’ve captured Walhalla?

Parker: It doesn’t exactly say. I think our mission is to get Walhalla and the formula and that’s it.

Maxine: But if we just let that lab stand, who knows what kind of things KAOS could develop there.

Zach: Max’s right. I don’t want to take any chances. As soon as we have Walhalla safe and the formula, we’ll blow up the lab.

Pilot: [on speaker] We’re coming up over the Atlantic Ocean. The Sahara’s only minutes away.

Zach: Okay. Synchronize your watches.

66: What for?

Zach: So we’ll know what time we have on our watches. [looks at watch] Now, I’ve got 1:23pm…I suggest…

Maxine: never mind, Zach. The plane’s landing.

The plane landed in a desert cleaning. The pilot stopped the plane and then went back to the passenger section.

Zach: [seeing pilot] Well, I guess this is it. You’ve been a great help. If you could just hand us that map you got of the secret lab location, we’ll be going. We’ll radio you later.

Pilot: [pulling out gun] You’re not leaving here alive, Smart!

 

****COMMERCIAL BREAK****

SETTING: Somewhere in the Sahara desert. The pilot that had taken TS to the Sahara turns out to be a KAOS agent.

Pilot: I will be keeping the map. KAOS paid me a lot of money to keep you away from the secret lab.

Zach: I think you’re making a terrible mistake.

Pilot: You’ll be making a mistake if you move, Smart.

Zach: I still contend it’s you who’s making a mistake.

Zach raised his hands and instantly a flash came from his hands, blinding the pilot. The pilot tried to cover his eyes, which was perfect for Zach. He landed a punch on the pilot, which sent him backward and flying into the wall. The pilot was stunned, but enough for Zach to hit him again and knock him out.

Zach: [to others] Come on! Let’s get out of here before he comes to!

The foursome jumped out of the plane and started running until they reach a sand dune. They quickly hid behind it and made plans.

Parker: Zach, I suggest we look for that lab as quickly as possible.

66: How? We don’t have the map.

Zach: No troubles, 66. I have an uncanny sense of directions. By the way we landed in the sand, I can tell we’re on an upward slope. Now, knowing KAOS the way I do, I can access that they put their lab where the surface is flat and even. Telling from the wind change and direction, I can tell we’re somewhere north and getting a glance at the map early, I know the lab is east of here. So knowing all of that, I can
tell you right now, we should head straight forward, then make a sharp left. That’s where the lab will be.

66: Zach, that’s amazing! You could tell all of that by just the wind and our direction?

Zach: That and the fact that there’s a sign over there that says next even plane straight forward and to the left.

The team headed forward as the sign, not Zach, had suggested. The trek was all-uphill and after about thirty minutes, the team had to sit down.

Zach: This heat’s really brutal, isn’t it? I’ve never known sand to spin like this before.

Parker: I think we should rest here for awhile. Let’s drink as much water as we can, then start again.

Everyone starts to drink, except Zach.

Parker: [smirking] What’s a matter, Smart? Didn’t pack a canteen?

Zach: You don’t have to drink water, Parker. It’s a proven fact that men can withstand the heat better than women.

Maxine: Zach, that’s the other way around. Women are better equipped to handle heat.

Zach: Really? Is that how that goes?

66: Here, Zach, have some of my water.

Zach: No thank you, 66, I’m not thirsty. But you could do me a favor. You can pour water on these green men on my leg. They won’t get off.

After making Zach drink water, the quartet once again start the uphill travel. The sun was really beating down and the foursome kept starting and stopping due to fatigue. They rested once again, unsure of where they were.

66: Guys, we’re lost.

Zach: We are not lost. I told you. I have an uncanny sense of these things. Now will you politely tell that clown car to get out of our way?

Parker: [looking at Zach] We need to stop and get our bearings. Our leader’s seeing things.

Zach: I am not seeing things! [starts to stare at Parker]

Parker: What?

Zach: Nothing. I just never noticed you were made out of ice cream before.

Everyone looks at Zach.

66: [pushing Zach down] Lie down, Zach.

Parker: Look, we’ve been walking for more than an hour now. That sign Zach saw had to be wrong.

Maxine: Well, if it was, why?

66: Maybe the pilot came to and radioed KAOS to find us and kill us.

Zach: [on ground, looking up] So then, I’m not imaging this gun in my face?

The others turn around and see two KAOS men standing there with guns drawn on them!

 

*************COMMERCIAL BREAK****************

SETTING: Deep in the Sahara desert. Two KAOS men held guns on the junior members of TS.

KAOS man #1: Move!

Zach got up from the dirt and as he did, he did a leg sweep to the KAOS man over him. The man went down with a thud. The second, trying to decide what to do, wasted too much time and was hit by 66. With both men down, the four took off running like shots from a bullet. They knew they were being chased when they heard bullets whiz by them. They ran past one palm tree, where Zach stopped and picked up a clump of dirt. He threw it at the KAOS men and it one of them in the face. He then caught up to the others and continued to run. They finally lost their pursuers, but also got themselves lost again.

Maxine: Zach, I think this is a good time to call Daddy.

Zach: Right. [taking off shoe] I’ll call Dad on his shoe phone. [dialing] Hopefully, he doesn’t have the ringer off.

The scene switches to Max on his shoe phone. The scenes switch back and forth.

Zach: Dad, it’s Zach.

Max: [happily] Zach, how’s the case going?

Zach: Lousy! We just got finished running through the Sahara being chased by two KAOS men with very large guns. And to top matters, we’re completely and hopelessly lost.

Max: Have you consulted your map?

Zach: We would if we could… if we had a map.

Max: What happened to the map the pilot had?

Zach: Turns out he was a KAOS agent, trying to stop us. In all the rush of getting away, we didn’t get the map.

66: Ask for a new map.

Zach: Dad, we were wondering if we could have a new map.

Max: I would if I could if… I was in my office.

Zach: Oh? Where are you, at home?

Max: [hesitant] Well…not exactly.

Zach: What do you mean not exactly. Where are you? [pause] You’re where?

Max: Hawaii. It was a total mistake, I know! But, your mother and I had to get a refund for our cruise and the agency was so apologetic, that they practically forced these tickets to Hawaii on us. We tried to stop them.

Maxine: Where is he?

Zach: [annoyed] So, basically, Dad…you’re on a vacation?

Max: [in background] 99, do you see that beach ball anywhere? [on phone] Zach, it may sound like a vacation, look like a vacation, feel like a vacation, but really it’s not. [to 99] What? You don’t have to wear that one. I like the black one myself. Really? [on phone] Um…Zach, I’ve got to go now. Call me if you need anything.

Zach: Dad, just one more question.

Max: What?

Zach: How much did that trip cost?

The four continued on their mission, unaware of where they were or where they were going. A large resentment towards Zach was beginning to show.

Zach: Come on, guys, you can not blame me for asking.

66: Zach, why didn’t occur to you to ask him to send help?

Zach: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, that’d be rich. We’re lost, find us. Where are you? Somewhere in the middle of the Sahara.

Parker: Please, let’s not argue. We’ve wasted the whole day being lost. We only have tomorrow to stop Walhalla and get that formula to Washington. I think we should set camp and go to bed.

Zach: Why? It’s so much cooler now. I think we should keep moving and sleep in the day.

Maxine: I agree with Zach. As tired as we are, we can’t sleep. Today’s the only shot we have at getting to that lab.

They walked a little more, when Parker’s pin went off.

66: What’s that?

Parker: It’s just the electronic pin.

Everyone: Electronic pin!

Zach: [taking out pin] I completely forgot I had this. I must’ve put it in my pocket when that pilot jumped us.

66: Well, if it’s going off, that means we’re close to the lab!

Parker: The signal’s pretty strong. Zach, come over here and see if it gets stronger.

Zach walked with the pin a little ways further and the signal got stronger and stronger. They reached a sand dune and the pin was going like crazy.

Parker: It must be over this sand dune.

Parker took the pin from Zach and climbed over the sand dune. After a few minutes, he came back.

Maxine: Well?

Parker: There’s no signal over there. That means the lab is somewhere here. [looking around sand dune]

Maxine: Hey, Austin, look at this. [reading] Secret KAOS lab located here. Key under mat.

Zach: [to camera] How do you like that? They made a sign.

Parker: I think I found the key. [picking up dirty key]

66: Where’d you find it?

Parker: Under the mat like the sign says.

66: Well, you know KAOS…

Zach: KAOS may be a lot of things, but they’re certainly not liars!

The team unlocked the door and went in.

 

************COMMERCIAL BREAK****************

SETTING: KAOS ‘s secret lab. The junior members of TS had gone through a series of metal hallways before coming into the bright lights of a lab. The room was huge, filled with lab tables and beakers and potions. And in the center of it all was a little man at the center table, working on something.

Zach: [whispering] That must be Walhalla.

Parker: Well, now that we found him, what do we do?

Zach: I say take him. We’ve got guns. Besides, look at him. He’s a little guy. He won’t cause all that much trouble.

It was agreed and the four came up behind Walhalla with guns drawn.

Zach: Prof. Walhalla?

Walhalla: [turning around to face the speaker] Yes? Who are you?

66: Prof. Walhalla, we’re CONTROL agents. We’re here to take to Washington.

Zach: 66, who’s in charge here?

66: Well, I imagine the KAOS high command, though I can’t be sure.

Zach: [annoyed] I meant who’s in charge of this case?

66: Oh well, you are, Zach.

Zach: Exactly. So, if you don’t mind, I’ll handle things. Okay? [to Walhalla] Prof. Walhalla, we’re CONTROL agents and we’re taking you back to Washington.

Parker: [sarcastically] Nice work, Smart.

Walhalla: So, you are Zachary Smart, CONTROL agent 78.

Zach: In the flesh. So, you’re Val Walhalla.

Walhalla: Val!

Zach: What?

Walhalla: Val, as in wall.

Zach: Right. But, you’re him.

Walhalla: I am. And behind you are about twenty-five armed KAOS agents.

Zach: Ha! I find that hard to believe.

Maxine: Zach, you’d better turn around.

Zach turned around and saw twenty-five armed KAOS agents, pointing their weapons at the four.

Zach: Oh. I guess seeing is believing. Live and learn.

**************COMMERCIAL BREAK******************

SETTING: KAOS ‘s secret lab beneath the Sahara desert. Zach, Maxine, Parker, and 66 had been taken prisoner by Prof. Valentine Walhalla. They now stood in an 8 x 11-foot metal cell.

Walhalla: It was nice meeting you, Mr. Smart. Too bad are meeting was short lived.

Zach: Yes, well, Professor, no one really knows when one will meet one again. I guess one will be seeing one through out the years as one goes by on that big highway of one’s life.

Walhalla: Well, Smart, this one is going to leave and get back to work as you little ones rot and die in that cell.

Maxine: You know, you’re not very nice.

Walhalla and the guys laughed as they left. The four stood and their cell and started to think about what to do.

66: What’re we going to do?

Zach: Parker, did you bring those peas with you?

Parker: Of course, but…Zach, you’re not thinking about blowing this cell up, are you?

Zach: Of course! That’s my plan! We take one of those small explosive peas, plant it here in the cell, the cell blows up and we escape! Fool proof!

Parker: What happens when the cell blows up?

Zach: We escape!

Parker: We what?

Zach: Escape!

Parker: What?

Zach: Es…oh, yes, I see your point. If we blow the cell up with us in it, we’ll blow up too. [pause] I have an alternate plan.

66: [snapping her fingers] Zach! Do you still have your laser pen?

Zach: [puts hand in pocket] I think so, but I’m not promising anything. After that incident at zoo last month, Dad told me to never play with it again. Oh hey, here it is! [takes out pen] What am I going to do with it?

Maxine: Use it to get us out of here!

Zach: Oh right.

Zach goes over to the cell door and press the top on the pen. A light beam goes out and then the laser starts to work on the door. Within minutes, the four had escaped from the cell. They started to go down the hallway they came and then Zach stopped them.

Parker: Why’d we stop?

Zach: We have to get Walhalla and that formula, but how do we do that without getting caught?

Maxine: Let’s forget about Walhalla and just get that formula.

As they stood and talked about their options, Walhalla and the KAOS agents saw them.

Walhalla: Get them!

The four turned to see Walhalla and the agents running toward them. With out skipping a beat, they quickly ran through the hallway, looking for a door, which lead to a room, where they would be safe. They ran to the first door they got to and Zach opened it.

Zach: Get in! [everyone gets in] Good. We’re safe.

Maxine: We’d be safer if you closed the door.

Zach: Oh, right. [closes door] Now we’re really safe. Now we can decide what to do about Walhalla and that formula.

66: Let’s decide that later. First let’s try to get out of here.

Zach: Okay, okay. [cracks the door and peeks out] The coast is the clear.

They exit from their hiding place and take a closer look at their surroundings.

Maxine: Which way’s out? There’re doors everywhere.

Zach: The last door on the left is the way out.

Parker: Are you sure?

Zach: [walking towards door] Of course I’m sure. I have an uncanny sense of directions and ways out. [opens door]

On the other side of the door were Walhalla and the KAOS agents.

KAOS man #1: There they are!

Zach: Sorry bout that. Didn’t mean to intrude. [quickly closes door]

The four take off running once more.

Parker: There’s something about your uncanny sense of things that needs to be fixed, Zach.

Zach: Shut up.

They continue to run down the halls and then make a right turn and get to a door. Zach opens it.

Maxine: That’s the laundry room!

They quickly close the door and run the other direction.

66: Who puts a laundry room in a secret lab?

Zach: Everyone needs clean clothes, 66.

They get to another door and Zach opens that.

Parker: Another lab!

They quickly close the door and go back the way they came. They once again get to another door and Zach opens it.

Zach: KAOS meeting room!

They quickly close the door and go back the other way.

Zach: This is the last time I do this for a vacation.

The camera goes to the opening of the big hallway that led them there, as they continue to run back and forth checking doors.

66: No, Zach, that’s the exit!

We see them go back once more.

Everyone: The Exit?!

We see them go towards the exit. The exit opens and in front of them they see an elevator. As they get
in the elevator, they see Walhalla and the KAOS agents try to follow.

Zach: [waving] Bye!

The elevator goes up and they wait for it to stop.

Parker: Now this is odd.

66: What?

Parker: What do you mean what? This! Who puts an elevator into an underground secret lab? That’s just weird!

Zach: Maybe it leads to another KAOS building.

As soon as Zach says this, the elevator stops and the doors open. The four find themselves in another building. They stand around for awhile until they hear Walhalla and the KAOS agents from around the corner.

Zach: And here goes the chase once again. [starts running]

They get to a door and quickly go in, but Walhalla is right behind them with the agents and it looks like the team is cornered.

Walhalla: It looks like your cornered, Smart.

Zach: Listen, Val, I hope…

Walhalla: Val! Val! Val! As in wall!

Zach: Yeah, whatever. Look, maybe we can come to an agreement.

Walhalla: What agreement?

Zach: You turn your formula over to us, we arrest you, and you spend the rest of your years in jail.

Walhalla: What kind of agreement is that?

Zach: I like it.

Maxine: Me too.

Parker: I agree to it.

Walhalla: Enough! [points gun at them] This is your end, Smart!

Zach: Hold it! [holds hand in the air] One more move and you’ll be blown to bits!

KAOS agent #2: It’s just a pea!

Zach: Just a pea? This pea happens to hold enough explosives to blown a room the size of… [pause] Hey, how big is this room?

KAOS agent #1: About 8 x 11ft.

Zach: Perfect.

Walhalla: You’re lying.

Zach: Am I?

Maxine: Zach, there’s a door behind us where we can escape.

Zach: Adios, muchachos! Hope we never meet again!

Zach throws the pea and it lands by Walhalla. The four quickly get of the room through the back door and find they are on the roof of the building. They hear a small explosion and Walhalla and the KAOS agents quickly emerge from the room.

Zach: [to Parker] I thought you said those peas were high explosives!

Parker: That’s what R & D told me! You can never trust the research and development dept.

66: What do we do now?

Maxine: The only recourse is to jump.

Parker: Are you nuts? We have to be 100ft up!

Zach: No choice. After you, Doctor.

Zach pushes Parker off and he starts to freefall. The girls go next and then Zach. Walhalla and the KAOS agents get there and see the four falling. Without warning, four parachutes open and the four start to drift to land safely.

Zach: Good thing we packed our para-shirts.

 

****COMMERCIAL BREAK****

SETTING: The secret KAOS lab in the middle of the Sahara. TS had fallen from a rooftop, which connected to the secret lab somehow. They quickly ran back to the sand dune and Zach took out another pea and planted it by the base of the dune.

Zach: A little parting gift.

The four quickly run as far away as possible and wait for the explosion.

Zach: I’m gonna call Dad. [takes pencil phone from 66] Dad, it’s Zach. I have to report the mission is going well. It was rough riding for awhile, but we made it without a scratch. We are now blowing the door off of the secret lab, going in there, taking the formula, and are going to lure Walhalla out.

Parker: A small pea explosive shouldn’t be taking this long. Unless…

Maxine: Unless what?

Parker: Unless…[looks at sand dune]

Suddenly, there was a huge explosion and the secret lab, or what was left of it flew all over the sand. The blast continued, even taking with it the secret building located next to the secret lab.

Zach: [turning to look at lab] Don’t tell I used the destructo-pea!

Parker: [covering eyes with his hand] That was the destructo-pea. You used the destructo-pea, you idiot!

Zach: I asked you not to tell me that.

Max: [in Hawaii] Zach? What happened?

Zach: Well, Dad, we have a slight problem. The mission’s kinda a success.

Max: Did you get Walhalla and the formula?

Zach: Well…not exactly.

Max: What do you mean not exactly?

Zach: Well, we’ve taken care of the formula and Prof. Walhalla to the point where they’ll never be a threat to the world, but…we can’t exactly bring them to Washington. Oh we could be gross and bring what’s left… [pause] You want me to explain that, sir? Well…I guess I should just tell you. I kinda…blew up the secret lab.

Max: Zach, that’s great! KAOS can never use it anymore!

Zach: There’s more…

THE ENDING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!

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