Time For the Patrol
Setting: Camp Snyder, a highly secure Army Training ground. It was well after midnight and everyone was asleep. Well, almost everyone. A young man is lurking in one of the offices. He’s going through files and papers and finally, he finds what he’s looking for. He quickly goes over to the desk nearby and picks up the phone.
He starts to dial a number. Washington, DC, known as the capitol of the United States. The Blue Sky Apartment Building, known as the home of America’s greatest spies. Apartment 78, known as the home of secret agent 78.
Agent 78, known to family, friends, and enemies as Zachary Smart. Zach was fast asleep when his phone started to ring. Waking up slowly, Zach looked at the clock and saw it was after midnight. He sighed and reached for the phone.
Man: Is this Zachary Smart, the secret agent?
Zach: [yawning] This is Zachary Smart, who was awaken from a deep sleep by some rude person on the other end of the phone, but what gives you the impression I’m a secret agent?
Man: I used to live your building, Mr. Smart, before I shipped out. I once saw you talking into the fire hydrant on the corner.
Zach: Shipped out? Navy man, huh?
Man: Army, sir.
Zach: Whatever. Shouldn’t you be doing a hike across the world or something?
Man: Mr. Smart, it’s very important that I tell you what I’ve found out.
Zach: Found out what? Wait, man. Slow down. Start from the beginning.
Man: In short, I’m a sargent stationed at Camp Snyder.
Zach: The special army training base. I’ve heard of it. Go on.
Man: Well, recently, some odd things have been happening here, so for the last couple of days, I’ve been checking things out.
Zach: [annoyed] And?
Man: I find files and papers that suggest some of our secret training and information is being leaked to the evil organization of KAOS.
Zach: [sitting straight up in bed] No fooling?
Man: Absolutely not. I understand that you and your father were both in the services. That’s why I contacted you.
Zach: Look, man, maybe you’re jumping the gun here. Are you absolutely sure KAOS has got something to do with this?
As the two men talked, the door to the office was slowly opened. The young man looked up to see the door was cracked.
Man: Listen, Mr. Smart, I think my life may be in danger.
Zach: Look, Sargent…
Man: Monroe. Sgt. Theodore Monroe.
Zach: Look, Sgt. Monroe, I need to have proof something weird is really going on there.
The door to the office suddenly opened and Monroe got scared.
Monroe: [to mysterious figure] I know all about you and I’ve already notified the authorities. [pause] No. Don’t!
Zach: Hey, Monroe? [hears shots ring out] Hello? Hello? [pushes for operator] Hey, operator. I was just cut off.
Operator: Sorry, sir. I can not connect you. The party on the other line has disconnected.
Zach: Well, can’t you ring him again?
Operator: I can’t, sir. The other party has been shot. [hangs up]
Zach sat there in the dark for a minute.
Zach: Damn! I should’ve asked if he was dead or not.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!
Setting: Outside on a dirt field. Four people, dressed in military uniforms, stood side by side in ranks. Before them, a man paced back and forth. The air was still and the area was quiet, until one of the ranks began to talk.
Parker: Chief, is there a reason why we’re all out here?
Chief Maxwell Smart stopped his pacing.
Max: Yes, Parker. There is. [begins pacing again]
66: Would you mind telling us?
Max: Certainly. Zachary…
Zach: [facing the group] Earlier this morning, I received a call from a Sgt. Theodore Monroe, a new recruit at the Camp Snyder Training grounds. He said he had evidence that the secret goings on there were somehow being leaked to members of KAOS.
Parker: Did he say how?
Maxine: Or by who?
Zach: Well, I’m sure he would’ve, if he hadn’t been murdered on the phone.
Zach: I heard about four shots and the line was dead.
Max: And apparently, so is our Sgt. Monroe. That’s where you all come in. [stops pacing] I’ve arranged it so the four of you will be new recruits at Camp Snyder. Your mission, as though you really had a choice, is to discover how KAOS is getting any information out of there and who’s doing it.
Zach: You know, this could be a real easy case. We only have to find out two things, a how and a who.
Maxine: And a why.
Parker: Why is KAOS so interested in this camp?
Zach: Oh. Okay, then. So, three things.
66: You’re forgetting when, Zach.
Zach: When what?
Maxine: That’s another one.
Max: We’re getting off the subject. Figure all that stuff out when you leave. [hands them each an envelope] Open those when you get on the bus. It’ll give you your cover identities and everything. Zach, Tracie, the only things different about yours are the names, so you won’t have so much to concentrate on. [looks at watch] Okay, get going. That bus leaves in about 15 minutes.
Zach: Hey, wait, Pop. Where’re we taking the bus from?
Max: [sighs] The secret bus terminal, Zachary.
Zach: Secret bus terminal? [led away by 66]
66: We’ll find it, Chief.
The four head off for the secret bus terminal.
Zach: Secret bus terminal? What secret bus terminal? When did we get a secret bus terminal?
Within minutes, the four were on a bus, heading for the top-secret location of Camp Snyder. While on the bus, Parker looked around and saw something very strange.
Parker: Have you guys noticed we’re the only people on this bus?
Maxine: Security reasons, Austin. Camp Snyder is a highly secretive military base that was turned into a training ground for some of today’s elite forces. [looking through packet] Have you guys
read your packets yet?
Zach: Why? What’s the problem?
Maxine: Well, I thought Camp Snyder was strictly an army owned and operated thing and that if you go in, you leave as ranger. But my packet has me as a Staff Sargent with the Air Force.
66: Max, Camp Snyder may be army owned and operated, but it’s like you said. It’s a training ground. All facets of the military go there to train.
Parker: Well, it looks like we’re all split up. [holds up packet] Sargent. Navy.
Zach: [still reading packet] Marines.
Maxine: Dad did a nice job on these. That way, we’ve got each military operation covered.
Zach: Nicely done. Quick, what’re you’re guys’ cover names? That way, if any of us are seen together, we know what to call each other.
Parker: Sgt. Austin Petrov.
Maxine: Staff Sargent Colleen Jeffries.
66: Capt. Amanda Sterling.
Zach: And Lt. Aaron Hill.
Maxine: Wait a minute. How did you get to be a lieutenant?
Zach: On the account that I’ve been a Sargent in the marines.
Parker: When were you in the marines?
Zach: I did ROTC when I was in high school and college. Technically, I’m still in. CONTROL’ s kinda like my day job.
Parker: Interesting thought. Alarming, but interesting.
The four settled back, learning more about their alter egos and before they knew it, they were pulling up in front of the Camp Snyder gate. The gate opened and the bus was lead in by a young marine soldier. The bus stopped and the four got out and met the young man.
Soldier: You guys the new recruits?
Zach: Yes, sir. Lt. Hill, Marines.
Jones: Capt. Tim Jones. Let me show you around.
The group started to walk through the camp, with Capt. Jones telling of some of the buildings and training grounds.
Jones: As you all are aware, Camp Snyder is a highly secretive training ground for the best the military can offer. The four of you were brought here to learn about covert operations we in the
military are now studying and improving on.
Maxine: Things like what, Capt. Jones?
Jones: Things like chemical warfare, electronic advancement…things that will propel the United States to new heights. Especially in the war department.
Parker: So, basically our job is to learn new ways of destroying our enemies?
Zach: Sgt. Petrov, in order to keep the free world free, we have to go to lengths which test our ability as citizens and Americans. Besides, we have to maim, injure, and kill. We stand for everything that’s good and fine and decent in the world. [thinks about that]
Jones continued to show the four around the camp. After a while, the group started to get curious about the things happening inside the camp.
66: Capt. Jones.
Jones: Yes, Capt.
66: Before our arrival here, we checked out the camp and found there were some weird things going on here.
Jones: What kind of things?
Parker: Just that certain information was being leaked out. I hate to think the four of us came all the way out here, just to discover that the information we’re learning is being learned by some outside persons.
Jones: [stops] I assure you, sargent. The information we learn here is strictly for the military personal that comes here. And I for one have never heard of our secrets getting out.
Maxine: Alright, Capt. No need to get your pantyhose in a bunch. We were just relating what we heard.
Zach: Sgt. Jefferies, I’m sure Capt. Jones knows what he’s talking about. Far be it for us to criticize him and the camp he works in.
Jones: [looks at the four] You’ll be assigned to your quarters and issued new uniforms. Meet at the training course in about an hour.
66: And the training course would be…?
Jones: Just follow this road until you see the redwoods. The course is just beyond that. [leaves]
As soon as Jones was out of view, Zach hit Maxine in the arm.
Maxine: Ow! [holds arm] What was that for?
Zach: For almost blowing our cover. [to Parker and 66] And that goes for the two of you as well. CONTROL handbook procedure clearly states “never, ever asks questions unless you know who your opponent truly is.” Now we’ve probably got Jones totally suspicious. Look, let’s just sign in and find that training course.
The four went through processing and finally got to the training course. The training course was a huge obstacle course that covered at least half the camp’s lush greenery. The instructors gave all the soldiers their instructions and everyone was off, running over this, going under that.
The course was a full hour long and afterwards, everyone was just exhausted. The group broke for lunch, with instructions that training classes would be afterwards and for the soldiers to meet with their assigned units.
Team Smart had the opportunity to sit together during lunch, but couldn’t let on to anyone of their true identities. Zach started to tear into his sandwich when he suddenly stopped.
Parker: What’s wrong?
Zach: This sandwich tastes like I’m chewing on paper.
The four looked at each other, then at Zach. Could someone be trying to contact them already? Zach opened his sandwich and quickly started looking for any signs of a note. Nothing.
Man: [sitting next to Zach] Find anything?
Zach: [looks at man] No. For a minute I was hoping I had been given a top secret message. Only to realize that the food here is terrible. [looks at man again] Why am I telling you this? [scoots away from man]
The group continued to eat until it was time for the afternoon classes. Each class was different and had different members of the military inside. The classes were about three hours and covered things from chemical warfare to a class called, “Meet Our Enemies.”
Zach was sitting in the air strike class taught by an air force pilot. The class had done a mini quiz and when they had finished, the instructor passed the papers back. Zach looked at his and realized there was another piece of paper attached.
“Meet me around midnight at the training course. Important!”
Zach quickly put the paper in his pocket and class continued. When class was over, the soldiers were able to have about two hours of free time. TS took the opportunity to meet and discuss their day.
Zach: Guys, this is totally important.
Parker: I just got out of the chemical warfare class. Oh boy, what a trip. As a doctor and a scientist, I’m prone to know all types of chemical weapons that may be used, but wow. There was stuff brought up in class that I didn’t even know existed!
66: That’s nothing. Max and I were in the tactics class. Pretty cool stuff.
Maxine: Totally. Man, if we get back to CONTROL and show everyone the stuff we learned…
Zach: Hey! Forget all of that. I have something important.
Zach: Our first clue. [holds up paper] The air force instructor who taught the air class I was in wrote it. He wants me to meet him tonight.
Parker: Wait a minute. [pulls out slip of paper] I got one too.
66: So did we.
Zach: Whoa. Are we saying each of us received a mysterious note saying someone wants to meet us tonight at the training grounds?
66: No. Mine says the aerospace building.
Parker: I’m meeting someone at the research department.
Maxine: [shows gang paper] Main Hall.
Zach: This is too weird.
Parker: Zach, are you thinking what I’m thinking? [Zach starts to say something and is stopped by Parker] No, of course not. You’re thinking what you’re thinking. [Zach nods]
66: What’re you thinking, Austin?
Parker: I’m thinking that this might just be a ruse. Let’s suppose that only one of our notes is real and the others are false. What if this is just to lead us to our deaths?
Zach: You’re right, Parker. I wasn’t thinking that at all.
Parker: [sarcastically] And what were you thinking, Zach?
Zach: I was thinking that this is some plan to get rid of all of us. You know, split us up so we can’t get help when we need it.
66: Zach, that’s brilliant!
Parker: Interesting indeed. In any scenario, the four of us are left to ourselves and could potentially meet with uncertain death at the hands of our contact.
Zach: That’s not very encouraging, Parker.
66: So what do we do then? We obviously can’t meet with them, knowing we don’t have anyone to back us up.
Zach: I got it! The perfect plan. We’ll confuse the contacts.
Zach: Very simply. [switches papers with everyone] Voila!
Maxine: How does switching our messages around help?
Parker: Zach, I hope you’re not thinking we each go to the other’s rendezvous.
66: Zach, that could prove to be dangerous. We gotta think of something else.
Zach: And I tell you it’ll work.
Parker: I agree with Tracie, Zach. This still puts us where we started off, but this time meeting a different contact. Or killer.
Zach: Alright. Fine. I’ll meet with them.
66: With who?
Zach: With everybody. The air instructor, the guy at the research building…everyone.
Parker: Zach, you must be crazy. How do you possibly plan to pull that off?
Zach: As you can see, Parker, there are different times. I’ll just meet each of the contacts at the different places and see what’s up.
Maxine: Zach, what happens if one or more of them are killers?
Maxine: What if one or more of them are killers. Namely KAOS killers.
Zach: [sarcastically] You guys should be the poster children for non-encouragement.
Setting: Camp Snyder’s aerospace building. In room 254, Zach was pacing up and down the classroom. Finally the sound of the door opening slowly caused him to stop. A woman entered and saw Zach. She quickly realized that it wasn’t the person she was hoping for and tried to leave.
Zach: Going so soon? I was hoping we could talk.
Woman: Oh pardon me. I thought you were a friend of mine. I was supposed to be meeting her here. I’m a bit late, I’m afraid.
Zach: Actually, you’re right on time. 10:45pm, right? [turns to face woman] Allow me to introduce myself. Zachary Smart, Agent 78 of CONTROL.
Zach: You were supposed to meet with a CONTROL agent tonight, weren’t you?
Woman: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Zach: [stunned] Really? [woman nods] Oh well then. Forget about that CONTROL, secret agent thing. My name’s really John Herman. I like playing practical jokes on people. [laughs]
The woman nods and quickly leaves. Zach starts pacing the floor once more, totally embarrassed from the display. He hears the door open again and is surprised to see the same woman.
Zach: Oh, you again. Look, lady, I feel really bad about that whole thing. Let me buy you a midnight snack. [smiles] Say…at a fancy Italian restaurant?
Woman: [with gun in hand] Put your hands up, Mr. Smart.
Zach: [raising hands] Is this a no for dinner?
Woman: What’re you doing here? I was supposed to meet another CONTROL agent here. A woman agent.
Zach: Yes, I thought as much. See, we weren’t sure if this was a trap or what, so I came in her place. But don’t hold that against me. I mean, you can tell me what you were going to tell her. [looks at arms] Can I put my arms down?
Woman: Yeah. Sure. [puts gun away] Have a seat, Mr. Smart. [both sit down] As you know by now, I’m one of the recruits here.
Zach: Let me guess. You were sitting in the tactics class when you recognized both Agents 66 and 24 from CONTROL.
Woman: Yes. I work for Naval Intelligence and we have CONTROL files that tells us who you are, in case we ever meet up with you somewhere. [smiles]
Zach: So what’s the problem, beautiful? Teachers giving you a rough time?
Woman: Mr. Smart, I’m sure you’ve heard that KAOS has been informed of this camp.
Zach: I’ve heard the rumors.
Woman: Well, they aren’t rumors. In fact, and I’ve seen them myself. There’re a couple of KAOS agents here.
Zach: You’re joking, right?
Woman: Hardly. I don’t think they suspect that you’re here though, but I just thought I’d give you the benefit of a warning. [gets up to leave]
Zach: Hey wait a minute. [gets up]
Woman: I’ll let you know if I find out anything else. [goes to door]
Zach: Will you also let me know about dinner?[smiles]
Woman: I don’t date taken men, Mr. Smart.
Zach: [confused] Taken? Me?
Woman: It’s common knowledge about you and Agent 66. [leaves]
Zach quickly runs to the door to catch a last glimpse of the woman.
Zach: It’s not true! [to himself] Now, how did that rumor get started? [looks at watch] Oh my gosh!
Zach quickly runs out the door, knowing he only has like five minutes to get to the research department to meet Parker’s contact. He got there at top speed and saw a man waiting for him there.
Man: You’re not Dr. Parker.
Zach tried to talk, but couldn’t he was so out of breath. He nodded that the man was right and he wasn’t Parker.
Man: I’ve seen you before. You’re a CONTROL agent as well, yes? [Zach nods] I see. You were afraid this would be a set up, so you came instead? [Zach nods] Well, I’m sure you’d like to know why I contacted the doctor. [Zach nods again] Let’s walk, shall we?
Zach nods his head furiously and points that they should sit down instead. Both men take a seat on the bench that was in front of the building.
Man: Are you alright?
Zach: [nodding] I just ran over here from the aerospace building. Now, Mister…
Man: Professor. Prof. James Arnold. I work for the army research department.
Zach: That’s…that’s really great, Prof. But was there a reason why you wanted to meet Dr. Parker?
Prof: Absolutely! The evil organization of KAOS has broken into our research files.
Zach: How can you be sure?
Prof: The army scientists have been working on something very top secret recently. And now the plans, that were kept in a secure wall safe…are gone. It was definitely, what you would call “an inside job”.
Zach: Hmmm…[looks at watch] Look, Prof. Arnold. I have an appointment elsewhere. Would it be possible if Dr. Parker could check out the wall safe tomorrow morning?
Prof: Absolutely. I had planned to suggest that.
Zach: Cool. [gets up] Talk to you later, sir.
Zach heads out to the Main Hall and then to the training course. In both cases, he got the same answers as before, that KAOS had stolen something or that they were on the premises. He wrapped up the last meeting and was heading over to meet with the rest of the gang when he saw lights flashing at the aerospace building. He quickly ran over and saw it was the paramedics, carrying the woman he had talked to earlier away on a stretcher. He also noticed that Parker, 66, and Maxine were already there.
Zach: Hey. What’s going on?
66: Zach! [hugs him] We were so worried.
Zach: I’m alright. Come with me.
The group follows Zach over to the other side of the building.
Zach: I know her.
Zach: The woman on the stretcher. I just met her tonight. She was the contact 66 was supposed to meet.
Parker: Well, what happened?
Zach: Basically, I’ll sum up the evening in two words. Big Trouble.
66: Why’s that?
Zach: From what I heard, the whole camp is loaded with KAOS agents. So far, no one suspects that they know who we are yet, but still we could be in a lot of trouble.
Parker: What else did you find out?
Zach: So far, KAOS has stolen top secret plans for an air force aircraft and some secret plan the army has. Oh, Austin, Prof. Arnold told me it would be alright if you checked out the wall safe where the army plans were kept.
Parker: Tomorrow morning?
Zach: Well, technically speaking, in a couple of hours.
66: So, from infiltration, to theft, to murder. KAOS is playing it heavy.
Maxine: Oh no. I just thought of something. What if this contact is just the first to go? What if the others are in danger too?
Zach: Good thinking, sis. We have to get back over to where I meet each of the contacts.
66: Zach, that’ll take too long. Let’s split up and then search.
Zach: Okay. Max, you come with me, Trace, check out the Main Hall, and Parker check the research department. We don’t have too much time to waste.
The four went off in their directions. Finally after about two hours, the group reconvened near their housing quarters.
Parker: Nothing. I searched that building from top to bottom. But I did take the step to check out that wall safe.
66: Find anything?
Parker: Total inside job. The door just opened, no prints, nothing. Very good job.
Zach: Well, in a way, that’s the least of our problems. We now have four contacts that just disappeared in the night.
Maxine: And KAOS agents all over.
Zach: Well, look. Right now we need to go to bed. We’ll figure this out tomorrow. Or today rather. Or…whatever.
The four say goodbye and go to bed. From far away, someone has observed them and is talking to someone on a walkie-talkie.
Person: They know something’s up. Take care of them.
Later that day, the same events as the day before took place. The morning run on the training course and a whole day of classes. TS kept their guard up and looked for people who could be the KAOS agents. They also saw Capt. Jones, who kept his watch on them almost all the time. As 66 and Maxine sat in class, they couldn’t help but talk about Capt. Jones.
66: Do you think Capt. Jones is giving off a bad vibe?
Maxine: In general or just to us?
Maxine: Totally. I think we should check him out.
66: I’m on it.
66 asked to be excused from class and quickly went into a nearby computer lab. She quickly sent an email to one of the guys in the CONTROL lab, asking for any kind of information on Capt. Timothy Jones. She left and came back to class.
66: [to Maxine] All done.
Later that day, during a walk, Zach was attacked by Capt. Jones. Jones grabbed Zach as he walked by and slammed him against the wall.
Zach: Captain, My Captain…
Jones: Shut up. I hear you and your little friends have been snooping around. I’m here to tell you to stop.
Zach: A simple note would’ve been fine.
Jones: I’m here to let you know, we know who you are. And quite frankly, are being nice in order to make you leave or at least keep your nose out of our business.
Zach: Protecting the US and the rest of the world is my business…captain.
Jones: [letting Zach go] I underestimated you, Smart.
Just then, Maxine and 66 came around the corner to see Jones with Zach.
Maxine: Capt. Jones, how good to see you again.
Jones: Capt. Sterling, Sgt. Jefferies.
66: [looking between the two men] Problems, gentlemen?
Jones: No. Just a polite word to your friend here. I hope I got through to him. [looking at Zach] [to girls] Ladies. [leaves]
Maxine: What was that about?
Zach: We’re in trouble, that’s what that was about. KAOS definitely knows we’re here.
66: Capt. Jones is with KAOS?
Maxine: Hmm. Didn’t see that one coming. Well, maybe I did. I don’t know.
Zach: Yeah, well we’re gonna give him something he isn’t going to see coming. Come on.
That night, Zach got all of TS on the training course.
Parker: Zach, I’m not sure I understand your plan. And there’s one part that I’m really not comfortable with.
Zach: Alright, we’ll go over it again. We’re standing out here on the obstacle course cause I’ve set a very devious trap.
Parker: That part I got.
Zach: You could call it the ultimate mousetrap, if you will. [smiles]
Maxine: [annoyed] Get on with it, Zach.
Zach: [looks at Maxine] Genius is never appreciated. Anyway, I sent a note to Capt. Jones telling him we know what his plans are and what he’s up to.
Parker: That part’s cool.
Zach: Ultimately, he’s going to come out here to confront us. That’s when I lead him to this big red X on the ground.
Maxine: What does the X do?
Zach: It marks the spot. When Jones gets to this spot, I’ll push him. He goes over the barrel here, right into the water and into this speedboat. The speedboat takes off to the other end, where it hits the embankment and throws Jones off and into the tire swing. There, he’ll swing and we go over and tie him up.
Parker: Okay, Zach. I got all of that and it’s a bit farfetched, but maybe it’ll work.
Zach: It’ll work. The only problem we face is if Jones isn’t alone and he brings a horde of KAOS agents who will ultimately captured us, torture us, and kill us.
66: You’re not very encouraging, are you?
Parker: Well, that’s it then.
Parker: The part I’m not comfortable with.
Zach: Don’t worry. The plan will work. [hears noise] Hey. That’s Jones. You guys know your job.
From the road leading from the camp walked Capt. Jones.
Jones: You wanted to see me?
Zach: Yeah, I wanted to see you. [walking over to X]
Zach stood near the X and realized he was on the wrong side. He quickly turned around and stood Jones where the X was. Jones moved over and Zach quickly pushed him back over.
Jones: [annoyed] What’re you doing?
Zach: I have a light deficiency. I can’t stare directly into the moon.
Jones: Why would you?
Zach: Hey look, did we come out here to talk about my problem or confront you and your KAOS ties?
Jones: KAOS? What’re you talking about?
Zach: Don’t give me none of that! I know exactly what you’re up to. So, are you going to confess or what?
Jones: [about to leave] I don’t have time for this.
Zach: [Pushing him back] Oh? But you have time to break into the research lab and steal the plans for a top army project.
Jones: Just what’re you getting at, Smart?
Zach: I’m saying that you’re a KAOS thief. And if you don’t confess now, I’ll just have to take you in.
Jones: Just try it.
Zach reached to push Jones, when Jones just flipped him over his shoulder. Zach ended up in the speedboat and raced to the end, when he hit the embankment and flew into the tire swing. Hearing the trap being sprung, the other three went over and were surprised to see Zach in the tire swing.
Parker: [smiling] Well, Zach, I was wrong. Your plan did work after all.
Zach: [angry] Ha ha.
After rescuing Zach, the four went looking for Capt. Jones. They spotted him going into Main Hall and quickly followed. The group soon found themselves on the third floor. They soon realized with all the classrooms here, the captain had disappeared.
Parker: Great. Where is he?
The four then heard gun shots down the hall.
Zach: Come on! He’s probably just claimed another contact.
The four rush to the only room that had an open door. There, they found Capt. Jones on the floor. Dead.
Parker: [kneeling over body] He’s dead.
Zach: An apparent suicide. [everyone looks at him]
Maxine: Are you serious? Zachary, no one can commit suicide with four gun shots.
66: I don’t get it. If Jones was working for KAOS, why was he killed?
Voice: Perhaps I can answer that.
The group turned around to see Prof. Arnold, standing in the doorway with a gun in his hand.
Zach: Hey, look gang. It’s Prof. Arnold. And he has a gun. Great, Prof. You have a gun.
66: I don’t think Prof. Arnold’s on our side, Zach.
Parker: [standing] Of course. It all makes sense now.
Zach: [confused] It does?
Parker: Sure. Capt. Jones didn’t work for KAOS. He must’ve worked for some other organization, that’s why he was killed.
66: And why the others must’ve been killed as well. How else would they know about the details of this plot…
Maxine: Unless they were KAOS agents themselves.
Zach: [composing himself] Yes, of course. I knew it all along. It’s so simple, a child could’ve figured it out. [stopping anyone from talking] And if you say something smart, I’ll slap you silly.
Arnold: You are all correct. It is I who’s the KAOS agent. And those I killed, aside from Capt. Jones, were also agents of KAOS.
Maxine: You were all in it together. But when they started to talk, you got jumpy. That’s why you had to meet one of us.
Arnold: Actually, my dear, like your brother here, I too was filling in for someone.
Parker: So it was you who broke into the wall safe. Someone must’ve seen you…say maybe the real Prof. Arnold. He then made contact to the girls, but before he had a chance to tell them anything, you killed him and assumed his identity. Very clever.
Arnold: You’re deductions are correct, but I don’t have time to discuss anything further. [raising gun] You all must die. Now, which one of you wants to go first?
Trio: [pointing to Zach] He does.
Zach: [looking at them] Well, a fine kettle of friends you are. [to Arnold] Listen, Mr. Guy-with-the-gun man, can’t we talk this over?
Arnold: No, actually.
Zach: Well, first I should warn you that outside is a battery of CONTROL agents and army personal who’ve caught on to your scheme. Would you believe it? I’m sure there’s at least a thousand people out there. And all I have to do is give the word.
Arnold: I find that very hard to believe, Mr. Smart.
Zach chuckles and goes over to the window and opens it.
Zach: [looking at Arnold] Okay, Pop. You guys can come in now.
Max: [on bullhorn] Okay, Zach.
Zach looks out the window and sees about a thousand CONTROL agents and military personal from around the camp.
Zach: [to camera] That’s a bit of alright, ain’t it? [smiles]
Setting: CONTROL headquarters, the office of Maxwell Smart. Parker, Maxine, and Zach were sitting in the office, telling Max how things had gone at Camp Snyder.
Max: So the one you least expected turned out to be the real killer. [to Zach] Take note of that, Zachary.
Zach: So I pegged the wrong guy, but Jones was suspicious looking and was having us followed.
Maxine: That’s because he was working for CIA. They were doing the exact same investigation and having us there did not help the situation.
Parker: Well, luckily for us and the country as well, all the items that were stolen from Camp Snyder have been returned and the heads have decided to move the camp somewhere else, where no one can find them.
Maxine: Have they picked somewhere yet?
Parker: Well, when I left, they were talking about Nome, Alaska.
Max: Speaking of that, I have a bill for you, Zach.
Zach: [smiling] A bill of recommendation?
Max: Not exactly.
Zach: A bill of good health?
Zach: A bill of a good job done?
Max: [handing Zach bill] A bill of services required.
Zach: [looking at bill] What? Camp Snyder is billing me??
Parker: For what?
Zach: For the damages I caused to the training course. They’re charging me with wrecking a speedboat, vandalism, destroying an embankment, and…one tire swing. Can you believe that? After everything I did there! I saved their stupid camp! If they hadn’t been dumb enough to let spies into their camp, I wouldn’t have had to be there, but NO! You try and do something for people and look at the thanks you get. Can you really believe…
The music starts as Zach continues to protest his bill.
Zach: This is an outrage. I’ll sue! Why do I have to pay this? [pointing at Maxine and Parker] They wanted to have me killed! Where’s my rightful due?
END CREDITS TO GET SMART!