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Without A Clue

 

 

 

Setting: The home of Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart. Both Max and 99 were upstairs in their bed, asleep, when the phone starts to ring.

99:: [rolling over] [to Max] Max? Max, the phone is ringing.

Max: [sleepily] Yours or mine?

99: Our phone. It’s on your side.

Max reached over a hand, picked up the phone and answered.

Max: [sleepily] Hello?

Zach: Dad! I got something really important to tell you!

Max: Who is this?

Zach: Dad, it’s me.

Max: Me who?

Zach: Me! Zach! As in your son!

Max: [annoyed] Zachary, do you have any idea what time it is?

Zach: [looking at clock] It’s 3:47 in the morning. But I had to call you cause Max called me and…

Max: [annoyed] Zachary, I think you and your sister are a little too old to be calling me about your problems, don’t you? If your sister’s doing something, handle it yourselves!

Zach: Dad, that’s not why I called. Max called me to say that this guy called her and he wants us to meet him tomorrow night.

Max: Look, Zach, can’t we talk about this in the morning?

Zach: But Dad, it is morning.

Max: [annoyed] I meant the normal morning! Like 9 o’clock this morning.

Zach: Oh. Hey, good idea, Pop. Then we can use the Cone of Silence.

Max: [tired] Whatever.

Zach:: Thanks, Pop! [hangs up]

Max hangs up as well and is about to go back to sleep when something dons on him.

Max: [sitting up] The Cone of Silence! Oh no!

 

 

The All New Opening Credits to Get Smart!!

 

Setting: CONTROL headquarters. Inside Max’s office, he, 99, Zach, and Maxine stood around his desk as Maxine told them about the call she had gotten.

Maxine: All he said was his name was Ishmael Boody and he was a former KAOS agent who needed our help.

Max: But why does he want us to go? Why not just ask you or Zach?

Maxine: Because he said he needed all four Smarts. He said we have a certain reputation at KAOS and he needs all of our help.

99: Sounds like a KAOS trap to me.

Maxine: I don’t know, Mom. This sounds big. I mean, who in their right mind calls someone at 3 o’clock in the morning?

Zach: [annoyed][looks at Maxine] Yeah, Max.

Max & 99: [looking at Zach][sarcastically] Yeah, Zach.

Zach: Well, anyway, I can’t go. My wife’s pregnant you know.

Max: [sarcastically] Yes, Zachary. We know. Everyone within a ten mile radius knows!

Zach: [annoyed] Well, I would think as my son’s grandfather, you’d be a bit more sympathetic!

99: [breaking up an ensuing argument] Guys, can we get back to the matter at hand? [guys stop] I still think this is a big KAOS trap.

Max: Look, gang, I’m just as worried as you are, but you have to admit, this thing might be important. We can at least check it out. [to Maxine] Where’s this guy want us to meet?

Maxine: Frankincense Manor.

The scene changes to Frankincense Manor, a very large old Victorian house on top of a hill. Inside the study, we see a man talking on the phone to someone.

Man: They’ll be here in a minute. [pause] Yes, [looks at window] the Smarts are arriving now.

As said, 99’s blue Jeep Cherokee pulls up in front of the door. The night had taken a turn for the worse, pitting the Smarts inside a thunderstorm right as they were going up the road to the house. The four got out, raced to the door, and rang the bell. The door opened and revealed a man dressed in a Naval uniform.

Man: Quite a storm out there.

Max: Yes, we know. We were just in it.

Man: You must be here for dinner. Come in!

Max: [walking in] Thank you. I’m Maxwell Smart and this is my wife, Mrs. Maxwell Smart and our children Zachary and Maxine.

Man: Pleased to meet you. I’m Major Mayo. [closes door] Not everyone has arrived yet. There’s a guest in the study. I’m sure everyone will be here momentarily.

Max: Thank you.

The Smarts start walking to the study, when they get the feeling they’re being watched. They all stop and turn to look at the major, who smiles at them. They return the smile and continue on their way, but they still sense they are being watched. The Smarts walk in the study and notice a stunningly beautiful woman in a white gown, having a drink.

Woman: Wonderful night tonight, isn’t it? [loud clap of thunder] Care for a drink?

Max: Yes, please.

Woman: [pouring drinks] You must be guests of Mr. Boody.

Zach: As are you, I assume.

Woman: [handing everyone a drink][stops at Zach] You assume correctly. [to Zach] I’m Ms. Veronica Black and you are…?

Zach: [nervously] Married.

Max: I’m Maxwell Smart. That’s my wife, Mrs. Maxwell Smart, my daughter Maxine and my son Zachary.

Zach: Zachary! Yeah. That’s my name.

Black: I’m glad you remembered. It’s always good to know your name.

Max: That’s what I say. It’s always a good idea to know who you are, in any event someone has forgotten you…or you’ve forgotten yourself. [confused] [confused look from Zach]

Major Mayo came into the room, followed by a large woman and a nerdy little man with glasses.

Major: Presenting Mrs. Roose Der and Dr. Peach. [pointing out everyone] That’s Ms. Black and the Smart family. [leaves]

Der: Isn’t it a superb night out?

Zach: You must be joking! It’s raining and lightening and thundering! How could that possibly be superb?

Der: What about all those things that go bump in the night? Don’t you think they appreciate nights like this? You and your fandangle sun and warmth. What about all those creatures that need the night to survive?

Max: [to Zach] She has a point.

In the next few minutes, the last of the guests arrived. A gorgeous woman by the name of Ms. Scarlet Burgundy and a nervous little man by the name of Mr. Byron Yellon. After the guests had assembled, there seemed to be some talk about when their host was to show.

Max: [to group] Listen group, I don’t think our host is going to show. I say we’ve been stood up.

Voice: Don’t be so quick to judgement, Mr. Smart.

The group turned to see a tall, thin man standing in the doorway.

Maxine: And just who are you?

Man: I, Ms. Smart, am the host of our little get together. My name is Ishmael Boody.

 

 


COMMERCIAL BREAK


 

 

Setting: Frankincense Manor. The Smarts and six other guests had finally met their host, a Mr. Ishmael Boody. The group now sat around a large table: Max, 99, Major Mayo, Ms. Black, and Dr. Peach sat to Mr. Boody’s left; Zach, Maxine, Ms. Burgundy, Mrs. Roose Der, and Mr. Yellon to his right. They all sat, having dinner, though all were too concerned with their being there than eating.

Max: Suppose you start from the very beginning, Mr. Boody.

Boody: Everyone seated around this table, with the exception of the Smart family, are members of KAOS. As I told your daughter on the phone, Mr. Smart, I’m a former KAOS killer. The six individuals you see before you are also KAOS killers.

Zach: I still don’t see why you had us come down here, Mr. Boody. I shouldn’t even be here. You see, my wife’s pregnant…[dirty look from Max]

Max: [to Boody] What my son’s trying to say is, my family and I still aren’t sure why you wanted all four of us to be here.

Boody: You see, Mr. Smart, of the KAOS agents that sit before you, all of them are defectors, including myself. There’s only one problem. One of them is a KAOS killer hired to kill the defectors. That’s why I invited you and your family, Mr. Smart. It’ll allow those defecting to speak to you and hopefully get protection from your government.

Max: I’m sure that can be arranged. All you have to do is tell me who the defectors are and who the killer is.

Boody: That’s the problem, Mr. Smart. I have no idea.

Maxine: So you could be the killer and no one would know. [guests look at Maxine, then at Boody]

Boody: That could be true. But now is not the time to discuss it. If you will all meet me in the upstairs library in about twenty minutes, I’m sure we can solve this.

99: And where is the upstairs library?

Boody: Upstairs on the right. [leaves]

The group disbands and heads off to different parts of the first floor. The Smarts end up in the billiard room.

Zach: Hey guys, I think this is a pure waste of time. [takes shot]

99: You must admit, it’s intriguing, but I still think something’s up.

Max: Well gang, in order for us to find out anything, something has to happen.

Just then, a shot rang out and something landed with a thud. The Smarts rushed out and were met by the rest of the guests. At the bottom of the stairs, lay their host, Ishmael Boody. Major Mayo quickly rushed over and checked for a pulse.

Major: [to everyone] He’s dead.

Setting: The hallway of Frankincense Manor. At the bottom of the stairs lay former KAOS killer, Ishmael Boody.

Major: He must’ve fallen from the top of the stairs.

Zach: Are you sure? Cause we heard…

Max: [stopping him] Wait a minute, Zach. Now he could’ve fallen down the stairs.

99: Max, didn’t you…

Max: Hear that loud thud? Yes as a matter of fact, 99, I did. That’s why I say the man fell down the stairs.

Zach: Or he was pushed. [everyone looks at Zach]

Max: First things first. Maxine, go call an ambulance. [Maxine leaves]

Der: This is very strange indeed. Our host, dead at the bottom of his own stairs.

Yellon: [in Peter Lorre voice] I wonder what happened. [Maxine returns]

Maxine: We have a problem. The phone’s dead. The line’s been cut.

Burgundy: Who would do something like that?

Peach: I think the phone cut itself.

Max: [annoyed] Now, how do you figure that?

Peach: It was under duress. I know. I’m a psychiatrist. I say the phone committed suicide. It obviously wasn’t happy.

Zach: Now, that is the most ridiculous thing…

99: Guys, I think we’re getting a tad bit off the subject here! There’s a dead man in the middle of the hallway. What’re we going to do with him?

Max: I say we put him in the study.

Major: What good will that do?

Zach: Maybe he’ll keep the phone company…why do you think we’d put him there? So he’s not in the way!

Max: [to Zach and the Major] Look, will the two of you put him in the study?

Zach and the Major carry the body into the study, while everyone follows.

Black: Mr. Smart, what will we do?

Max: I think we should split up and find out how our fine host met his maker.

Yellon: [in Peter Lorre voice] But what if one of us is paired up with the killer?

Max: Then we’ll know who the killer is!

Burgundy: But one of us would have been murdered!

Max: Good point. [pause] Obviously, one or more of us has a gun.

Max looks around and sees a nearby cabinet. He goes over and unlocks it.

Max: I say, we all put our guns in this cabinet, lock it, then no one will have a gun.

The others agreed, removed their weapons and Max put them in the cabinet. He was about to lock it, when Peach stopped him.

Peach: What about you, Mr. Smart?

Max: Oh, you must be kidding. What point does it make for us to kill you off?

Burgundy: But we don’t know that! How do we know you’re not just trying to keep CONTROL in business?

99: [annoyed] Oh of all the…

Max: [annoyed] Alright, alright. If it’ll make you all feel better, we’ll put our guns in there as well.

Zach: But Dad…

Max: No buts, Zachary. Just hand them over.

Zach and 99 comply and hand over their weapons. Max, too places his gun in the cabinet, along with Maxine’s. He’s about to close the door, when he thinks of something. He snaps at Maxine and holds out his hand. Maxine gives a sigh, reaches behind her back and removes her other gun. She hands it to Max, who places it in the cabinet and is again about to close it when he thinks of something else. He again snaps at Maxine and holds out his hand. She gives a huge disappointing sigh, kneels down and removes the gun she has hidden around her ankle.

Maxine: [handing gun to Max] You’re taking away all my fun in life, Daddy.

Max locked the cabinet and put the key in his pocket.

Major: What’re you doing?

Max: I’m putting the key in my pocket.

Der: But that means you can come back here and get your gun!

99: But that means you can’t come down here and get yours.

Max: And what would you like me to do with it?

Zach: Hey, Pop, why don’t you get rid of it?

Max: Good idea. [heads for the front door] I’ll just toss the key outside. [opens
door] [takes key and throws it out into the bushes] [closes door] There. Now, we’ll split up.

Black: I think this is a bad idea, Mr. Smart. One or more of us could be killed.

Max: I doubt that very much, Ms. Black, because as we speak, 50 of the best CONTROL agents have surrounded this house. Would you believe it?

Zach: Dad, I find that…

Max: [to Zach] Shut up.

Major: Really, Mr. Smart?

Max: Really. You think I take my family anywhere without bringing back up?

The group felt this was a perfectly okay thing and they each paired with someone and left for various parts of the house.

Maxine: Daddy, is the house really being surrounded by 50 CONTROL agents?

Max: No.

Zach: No?

Max: No.

99: Then why did you say it?

Max: It was the only way I could get them to leave. Now look, this is what we’ll do. Zach, you and Maxine check downstairs and your mother and I will check upstairs. And if you find anything, holler. But not too loud.

Zach: Why?

Max: The killer might hear you.

The Smarts split up and the twins head for the downstairs library. Zach starts to look around, while Maxine is drawn to a book on the table.

Zach: [searching] Hey Maxi, find anything? [no answer] I say hey, baby sister, did you find something? [again no answer]

Zach looks and finds his sister standing the table, reading. He stops what he’s doing, goes over to her and taps her on the shoulder.

Maxine: Oh hey Zach. Were you talking to me?

Zach: [looks at camera] [annoyed] What’re you doing?

Maxine: Reading this book. It’s all about this guy who invites these people to his house and he ends up dying and then they have to…

Zach: [very annoyed] Will you put the book down and help me look for clues? We
didn’t come in here to read you know! What do you think this is? A library?

Maxine: [confused] Uh…yeah.

Zach: [angered] Put down the book and help me look for clues.

Zach turns and starts searching again, while Max takes one last glance at a chapter. She had just closed the book, when a piece of paper fell out.

Maxine: [picking up paper] Hey Zach…

Zach: [searching] Maxine, shut up and come help me look for clues!

Max put the paper in her pocket and walked over to her brother.

Maxine: What are you doing?

Zach: I’m looking for a device.

Maxine: A device?

Zach: [nods] In every movie I’ve ever seen, there’s always a device or panel that leads the way to a secret passage. [pause] At least in all the movies I’ve seen there was.

Maxine: What would the device look like?

Zach: [still searching] It could be anything. A button, a panel, a book…

Maxine: [looks at candles on wall] One of these candles?

Maxine pulled the candle out of it’s holder. The wall that Zach was looking at suddenly opened, pulling Zach inside a dark passageway.

Zach: [picking himself] [peeking from inside passage] Max, the next time you decide to find a switch that operates a secret panel, warn me first, huh?

Maxine: Sorry bout that, Zach. [looks down passage] Where do you think it goes?

Zach: Only one way to find out.

Zach takes out his flashlight and the two start down the passage. There was a line of light at the end, which the twins headed for. Zach opened what seemed like a door and the two were back in the study.

Maxine: Hey, Zach. We’re back in the study. [looks around] Is something strange to you?

Zach: [nodding] Yeah. Like something’s missing. [pause] I know! No body! [pause]

Twins: [looking at each other] No body!?

Mr. Boody’s body was gone!!


COMMERCIAL BREAK


Setting: The study. Zach and Maxine had just followed a passageway from the downstairs library that led into the study. But there was a problem. The body of Mr. Boody, which they had placed into the study, was now gone.

Zach: I don’t get it! I mean, he has to be here! Dead bodies don’t just get up and walk away! [pause] Do they?

Maxine: No.

Zach: Just as I thought then.

Maxine: Zach, we need to go find Mom and Dad and tell them about this.

Zach: Good thinking.

The twins quickly run upstairs, yelling for everyone. Max and 99 came from the upstairs bedrooms to run into Zach and Maxine.

Max: Hey, what’s going on?

Zach: Dad, he’s gone! Mr. Body’s boody is gone…er, I mean Mr. Boody’s body is gone!

99: Zach, are you sure?

Maxine: We found this secret passageway from the library to the study and when we got there, he wasn’t there.

Max: But Maxine, that doesn’t make any sense! Dead bodies just don’t get up and walk away!

Zach: I don’t know, Dad. Mr. Boody sure did.

The whole house went down to the study and started looking for the missing Mr. Boody.

99: I don’t understand it. Where did he go?

Zach: [sarcastically] Maybe he went for a walk. [look from 99] Hey, walking’s supposed to be healthy for you.

99: [sarcastically] A lot of good it’s doing for Mr. Boody.

Major: What do we do now, Mr. Smart?

Max: Isn’t it obvious, Major Mayo? We split back up and look for Mr. Boody! You all have two things to do now. [group stands around] Well, get going! I don’t know about you, but I don’t have all night! [group leaves] [to family] Change of plans. We’re all looking downstairs. 99 and I will look in the office, you two check out the basement.

The group leave and we follow Max and 99 into the office. The two split up, with Max looking along the walls for a secret panel and 99 sitting at the desk. After a few minutes, 99 had found a piece of paper.

99: [pulls out paper] Hey Max, take a look at this.

When Max turns around, the wall he’s at turns as well. 99 hands the paper back and a mysterious hand reaches for it. The wall turns back around, with a confused Max wondering what happened.

99: Well? What do you think?

Max: About what?

99: That paper I handed you.

Max: What paper?

99: The paper I just handed you. What do you think about it?

Max: 99, I don’t know what you’re talking about. You didn’t hand me anything.

99: [annoyed] Max, I think I would know…

Max: Look, let’s not argue. Let’s just retrace our steps.

99: Should we start when you trip over the rug coming in?

Max: [looks at 99] Don’t be a smart aleck, 99. Now, we got in the room and I went over to this wall.

99: [stands] I went over and sat down at the desk. [sits back down] I was going through the desk and I found this piece of paper and I handed it to you like so. [pretends to hand something to Max]

Like before, the wall Max was standing at turned around and a mysterious hand came out and handed 99 a piece of paper. The wall then turned back around, where Max was very confused.

99: Hey, you found it.

Max: Found what?

99: The paper.

Max: [annoyed] 99, what are you talking about?

99: You found the paper. What did you think?

Max: About what?

99: About the paper!

Max: 99, what are you talking about? What paper?

99: Max, I just…[taking a deep breath] Let’s not argue. Let’s just start this thing over again.

Max: Alright. I was standing here at the wall…

99: And I sat here at the desk. I was going through the desk and I found this paper and I handed it to you.

Just as before, 99 handed the paper back and the wall turned and a mysterious hand took it. The wall turned back around, with a confused Max on the other side.

99: [continuing] And just as before, you took the paper. Now I ask you, Max, what do you think?

Max: What do I think about what?

99: [annoyed] Maxwell, let’s not start this again. That paper I handed you, the one you just took from me…

Max: 99, I swear to you, I have no idea what you’re talking about. [pause] Hey, wait a minute. You know when I was searching this wall?

99: Yeah.

Max: Well, it would get all black all of a sudden and then I’d be back here. [thinking] 99…

99: Yes, Max?

Max: Do you remember when we came in and I tripped over the rug?

99: Yes…

Max: I think I might have gotten a concussion.

The scene changes as Zach and Maxine check out the basement. They ended up in the wine cellar, looking around.

Zach: Hey, Max. Let’s stop and have a drink.

Maxine: No time. I want you to come over here and look at this. [Zach comes over] Does this wine barrel look weird to you?

Zach: [looks at barrel] All I see is a small hair, which is very disgusting. Mr. Boody obviously didn’t care about his wine.

Maxine: I know about the hair, but look how it’s sticking out like that. I think there’s something odd about this barrel.

Zach: And I tell you it’s a normal wine barrel. And if that’s not a normal wine barrel, baby sister, just what do you think it is?

Maxine pulled on the spigot and the top opened outward.

Maxine: [to Zach] Offhand, I’d call it a door.

Zach: [peering inside] Whoa, another secret passage. Where’s this one go to?

Maxine: Only one way of finding that out.

The twins ventured into the dark passage and just followed it down. Soon they came to about four steps and walked up them. A little further, the two saw light coming from the bottom of a door. When they opened the door, they found themselves in the lounge.

Zach: Hey cool. A lounge.

Right as Zach took about five steps, he tripped over something on the floor.

Zach: What the…? [sees a body] Max! It’s Dr. Peach!

Maxine: [checks pulse] Zach, he’s dead. [looks at brother] We so have to tell Mom and Dad about this.

Zach: Totally!

Zach gets up and both twins run to the door, only for Zach to trip over something else.

Zach: Now what? [looking] I would trip over another body. [looks again]

Twins: Another body!?

Maxine: It’s Mr. Boody!

Zach: [to Boody] Hey, you came back!

Maxine: Zach, we have to get out of here! [goes to door] Oh no! It’s locked!

The twins start to pound on the door for help. Meanwhile, Max and 99 heard the commotion from the office.

99: That sounds like Zach and Max!

The two quickly hurry from the room, as does Major Mayo and Ms. Black, running from the kitchen. Without seeing each other, Mayo and Max run head first into each other and knock each other to the ground. Dazed slightly, Max and the Major get up and run over the lounge door.

Major: [trying to open door] It’s locked.

Max & 99: [pounding on door] Let us in! Let us in!

Zach & Maxine: [pounding on door] Let us out! Let us out!

99: [to Max] What’re we going to do now?

Max: There’s no choice. [backing up] I’ll just have to break the door down.

Max backs up a little more and takes a dash toward the door. He immediately smacks into to it with his arm, staggers to the floor holding his shoulder, and starts to scream in pain.

Der: I know!

Mrs. Roose Der runs into the study and comes out with a gun.

Der: [running towards door] This should do iiiiiiiiiiii…

Der had forgotten about Max rolling around on the floor and trips over him. A bullet comes flying from the gun, ricochets off the door and hits the chandelier hanging above in the hallway.

Zach: [from inside] I’ve been shot! Oh my God, I’ve been shot!

Der gets her bearings, stands up and takes another shot. This time, the bullet hits the handle and the door opens. Everyone rushes into the room to see the twins, the dead (again) Mr. Boody and the now deceased Dr. Peach.

Burgundy: Dr. Peach! [to twins] Which one of you did it?

Maxine: Neither of us did it! We found him like that. As well as Mr. Boody!

Major: Hey, Mr. Boody’s body came back. I wonder where it went.

Zach: [sarcastically] To the AMP for a slurpee…how do I know? Maybe he’s a zombie or something, who hates being cooped up in one place.

Max: Nevermind about that. [to Der] Where did you get that gun?

Der: From the cabinet where we put them.

Zach: How did you get it open?

Max: I threw away the key.

Der: It was already open.

Yellon: A likely story.

Der: It is! Go see for yourself!

Maxine: [checking Peach] Hey Dad, look at this. [holds up piece of paper]

Max takes the paper from Maxine and starts to read.

99: [looking over his shoulder] Hey, that’s the paper I found in the office.

Maxine: That’s like the paper I found in the library.

Major: So that means we’ve saved.

Zach: How do you figure that?

Major: Well, don’t you see? Peach was the KAOS killer and he pushed Boody down the stairs. Boody played dead and when he found him again, he killed Peach to save us.

Black: Then how did Mr. Boody die again?

Major: I haven’t gotten that far yet.

Max: Listen, I think I might have solved this thing. I want you guys to meet us in the dinning hall. [group leaves] [to family] Hey, did you guys bring your evening clothes tonight?

Zach: Like tuxes and stuff? {Max nods} I brought mine.

Maxine: Of course, Dad. What woman doesn’t come prepared? But why?

Max: Cause we’re going to get dressed for dinner.

99: We’re having dinner? Again?

Zach: Why? Is this dinner going to be better than the first?

Max: [smiling] I have a feeling it will. [trio looks at each, then back at Max]

 

 


COMMERCIAL BREAK


 

 

Setting: The dinning hall. All of the guests, minus Mr. Boody and Dr. Peach, were once again seated in their seats. The Smarts came down, each looking very elegant in gowns and tuxes. Max sat at the head of the table with 99 to his left and Zach and Maxine on his right.

Major: You’re a little over dressed, don’t you think Mr. Smart?

Max: I like to look my best when I eat dinner.

Burgundy: We’re having dinner? Again?

Max: Absolutely. I don’t think we were in the mood to eat earlier and I don’t know about you, but continous dead bodies popping up everywhere tend to give me an appetite. So, I had the cook warm everything up from earlier. [maid and butler bring out food] So, enjoy.

Yellon: Well, I guess now that we know who the KAOS killer is, Mr. Smart, we’ll be able to talk to you about our defecting.

Max: Not just yet, Mr. Yellon. My family and I feel that the real killer is yet to be caught. [gasps came from the table]

Der: But what about Dr. Peach?

Zach: Mrs. Der, we believe that he and that paper we found were just…red herrings.

Max: Ms. Black!

Black: [startled] Yes?!

Max: Could you pass me the butter? [passes butter] Thank you. [to group] I’m sure you’re all wondering how we came to that decision.

99: Mr. Yellon…

Yellon: [scared] What?

99: I just wanted a napkin. [hands napkin to 99] Thank you. [to group] You see, the papers that Maxine and I found were exactly the same.

Burgundy: You mean they had the same thing on them?

Maxine: Exactly.

Major: Well, what was on the paper?

Max: A list of names! Your names. [pause] Major Mayo!

Major: What!?

Max: [points to glass] Did you want a refill? You seem to be low.

Major: [relieved] No, Mr. Smart. Frankly, the stuff’s making me a little jumpy.

Max: Oh. Well, I’ll continue what I was saying. Those lists that my wife and daughter found had all of your names on it. Upon careful inspection, we discovered it was a KAOS hit list. The killer crossed the name of the victim off and would keep crossing off names until he had run out of victims. Then he and KAOS wouldn’t need to be bothered with you all again. For you are all a threat to KAOS and what better way of getting rid of then to have a former KAOS killer host the dinner.

Black: What’re you trying to say?

Max: I’m saying our fine and dead host, Mr. Boody was going to kill you either way. He and his partner were going to bump all of you off and collect what ever reward money was being offered by KAOS. But something went wrong. The partner got greedy and when he found out Mr. Boody had invited us to the party, he quickly killed Boody, disguising an obvious murder by gunshot with a simple accident of falling down the stairs. We then all split up and he moved Mr. Boody so we’d all think he was still alive. He then somehow got a duplicate key, opened the cabinet with the guns, and killed Dr. Peach. Thus throwing suspicion off of him or herself, so we’d be none the wiser.

Zach: [whispering to Max] Hey, Dad, is all of that true?

Max: [whispering back] I dunno.

Zach: Then why are you saying it?

Max: Only way that makes sense.

Burgundy: Mr. Smart, if what you say is true, then our lives are still in danger.

Max: Absolutely, but I have a plan. We’re all going to still here, eat our dinner, and wait for the killer to make him or herself known. [folds his arms]

The group sat in silence: The Smarts finishing their meal and keeping watch on the guests; the guests getting nervous and keeping watch on each other. The silence was really unbearable.

99: [smiling] [to Max] Oh, Mr. Smart, you do throw the nicest parties.

Max: [smiling] Thank you, Mrs. Smart.

Major: [frustrated] I can’t take this anymore! If one or more of you is a killer, you’d better make yourself known.

Yellon: [stands, with a gun] That’s it! I can’t anymore of this! Alright, okay. I’m the killer and I intend to kill you all, but first…[walks over to the Smarts] I’ll have the distinct pleasure of killing off Maxwell Smart and his family. [Zach starts to laugh] Why are you laughing?

Zach: I’m laughing at the clear ridiculousness of you shooting us. You see, Mr. Yellon, your gun is empty.

Yellon: That’s impossible.

Zach: ‘Fraid so. You see there was one shot that killed Mr. Boody, two at the lounge door, two that killed poor Dr. Peach, and one at the chandelier. That’s 1 + 2 + 2 + 1.

Yellon: No. There was only one at the lounge door. That’s 1 + 2 + 1 + 1.

Zach: [annoyed] I think I know my guns, Mr. Yellon, and I’m telling you that with my superb hearing, there were TWO at the lounge door…

Yellon: No, there was…[annoyed] Enough! You’re not only annoying and stupid, but you can’t add! Either way, Mr. Smart, I still have one bullet in this gun. The only problem is, which one of the Smarts should I kill first?

Yellon pointed the gun at Max, but the thing didn’t fire. Mrs. Der reacted quickly and hit Yellon over the head with one of the wine bottles and Major Mayo knocked the gun from Yellon’s head and pinned him on the floor.

Maxine: I can’t believe the killer was Mr. Yellon.

Zach: It’s always the quiet guys you least suspect.

Burgundy: You mean you didn’t know it was him??

Max: Had no idea.

Black: You mean your plan was to let us sit here and eat with a killer?! What if he had shot all of us?! What kind of ridiculous, idiotic plan was that?

Max: Hey, it worked, didn’t it? [99, Zach, and Maxine nod in approval]

Soon, the place was surrounded by CONTROL agents. Yellon was taken away, while the defectors discussed plans of hiding with certain agents. The Smarts stood in the hallway, watching the whole procedure.

99: That was certainly a risky move, Zach. I’m just glad Yellon’s gun jammed.

Zach: Mom, the gun didn’t jam. I tell you, the man was out of bullets.

Maxine: No, Zach. I agree with Mom. There were only five shots taken.

Max: Maxine, as you know, I am a weapons expert and I agree with your brother. There were no bullets in that gun. If that bullet hadn’t hit the chandelier…

99: But Max, the first bullet that hit the lounge door was the bullet that hit the chandelier…

Zach: Girls, with you stop arguing with us? I tell you, there are no more bullets in this gun.

Zach pulls the trigger. A bullet soon whizzes about the room, finally hitting the same spot on the rope holding the chandelier. The thing broke and the chandelier came crashing down to the floor in front of them.

Zach: [thinking] 1…+ 2…

Girls: plus 1…

Zach starts to laugh a little, as he points the gun at Max. Max takes his finger and pushes the gun away. The music starts up as the Smarts stare into the camera.

 

 

 

 

THAT’S HOW IT COULD’VE HAPPENED…

 

 

 

 

 

BUT HOW ABOUT THIS?

 

 

Max: It was very simple. The killer lured Boody to the stairs and then shot him. He or she then got a duplicate key of the cabinet, got away from his or her partner, dragged Mr. Boody’s body from the study through a secret passageway and dumped him somewhere else. He or she then shot Dr. Peach, dragged his body through the secret passage from the cellar to the lounge and then dragged Boody in there. It was a very clever plan. With Boody’s body missing, we’d all think he was the real killer and he had killed Dr. Peach, but not before Peach had killed him. It would’ve worked to…[to Der] wouldn’t it, Mrs. Roose Der.

Der: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Max: Admit it. You were going to get paid heavy bucks for killing off these people, but Boody stood in the way and us coming here wasn’t part of your plan either.

Der: Mr. Smart, that’s preposterous!

Max: Is it? Let me ask you this, how did you know the cabinet that held our guns was unlocked? I find it strange that the first thing you thought off to shoot the lock off was a gun, especially when the cabinet door was locked and there was no key.

99: Yes, Mrs. Roose Der. How do you explain that?

Der: There’s no way you can prove that I had anything to do with this.

Max: The gun, the obvious murder weapon, is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets, ladies empty your handbags.

Everyone complies, including Der, who holds the murder weapon in her hand.

Der: That was very clever. You’re a very smart man, Mr. Smart.

Max: I know.

99: That’s why his last name is Smart.

Maxine: Duh.

Der: You’re right, Mr. Smart. Mr. Boody and I had an understanding, but just before everyone got here, he decided he wanted to go to CONTROL as well. I had to kill him.

Burgundy: And kill us, I suppose.

Der: Actually, it would be more beneficial if I kept you alive. I’m sure I could get more money from you than I ever could from KAOS.

Yellon: [nervously] What do you mean?

Zach: She means blackmail, Mr. Yellon. It suits her to keep you alive than kill you. That way, in order to save your skins from getting killed by KAOS, you go on working for them and paying out your salaries to her, which I hear is quite a lot of money for you KAOS killers.

Major: We have to eat, you know. Inflation and everything.

Der: I have the use for everyone, [going towards the Smarts] Except for you and your family, Mr. Smart. Unfortunately for you, I only have two bullets right now. So, I could kill off two family members. Then, I’ll get some more bullets and kill the other two.

Max: I don’t think that’ll be necessary.

Der: Why not? The whole place is surrounded by CONTROL agents, is it not?

Max: No, it’s not. No one’s called them. [table is stunned] My declaration of extra help was just a…red herring. So you could escape if you really wanted to.

Der: You mean you wouldn’t end up finding me later?

Max: Why would I? You’ve done me a favor. It would’ve been better if you had killed off all the informants.

99: Max!

Max: Well, it’s true, 99. If they had turned over evidence to CONTROL, we could easy destroy KAOS. We’d be out of a job! No more KAOS means no more CONTROL. [to Der] You can count on us to keep your dirty little secret. We wouldn’t tell.

99: No.

Maxine: Not me.

Zach: [finishing his food] I would. [everyone looks at him] For the right price, of course.

Der: Well, then, Mr. Smart, [putting gun away] what do you suggest I do?

Max: Well, no one knows we’re here, so I say we stack those bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave the house, and pretend we were never here.

Der: Good idea. I’ll leave first, if you don’t mind.

Max: Of course. [standing] Allow us to walk you to the door.

Der heads for the door, followed by Max and the rest of the guests. Der opens the door and leaves.

Zach: [looking at Max] Good job, Dad. You’ve just let a killer walk away with murder. Two, no doubt!

Max: [to Zach] Don’t worry. [folding his arms] [looking at door] She’ll be back. [grins]

Der walks outside and immediately, a large group of lights is turned on. Agents rush out from everywhere and take Der into custody. The group run outside and see that Max really did have back up all the time.

99: [surprised] Max! You really did have the place surrounded!

Max: Of course, 99. Like I said, I take no chances where my family’s concerned.

Maxine: No, really Dad. How long did it take them to get here?

Max: I say they’ve been here for…oh…five, ten minutes. [looks from trio] I told them give us an hour! If we weren’t back, they should probably come and get us.

Black: I don’t know how to thank you, Mr. Smart. I was almost sure I’d be paying my life away to that…that woman!

Max: It was all taken care of, Ms. Black. Besides, at CONTROL, we value the presence all life and all that’s good and decent in the world. We’re like the Canadian Mounties. We always catch our man.

Zach: [shocked] Mrs. Roose Der was a man!? [looking between Max and Maxine]

Maxine slaps Zach, which cause him to spin around and get slapped by Max. He ultimately falls down.

Max: Does anyone feel like fruit or desert?

 

 

 

YEAH, IT COULD’VE HAPPENED LIKE THAT…

 

 

 

 

BUT HERE’S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED!

 

 

 

 

Max: Ms. Burgundy!

Burgundy: {shocked] Yes, Mr. Smart?

Max: Isn’t it true, that you and your fellow killers have a lot to turn over to CONTROL?

Burgundy: It’s true, Mr. Smart.

Major: We all came to Mr. Boody for help. And he arranged this meeting.

Max: I see. [to Zach] Zachary…

Zach: [nervous] I didn’t do it!

Max: [annoyed] I just wanted a fork from the tray behind you.

Zach: Oh. [hands over fork]

Max: It was very simple for the killer, here on the first floor and all. It gave him access to all the secret panels and hidden passageways that mark this house. It also gave him access to most of you, searching the first floor. The killer was very clever. He or she first found out about all the secret passages in the house. He or she then made a duplicate key of the cabinet in the study. They then left their partner, found Dr. Peach and killed him.

Major: I get it. [to Zach] It was awfully clever to copy that key and certainly no one would suspect someone who was helping us to be the murderer!

Zach: What’re you looking at? [looking around] You mean ME?

Major: It was almost too clever to insist your father throw out that key.

Zach: I didn’t do it!

Max: [annoyed] Major Mayo, I assure you my son didn’t do it.

Maxine: Are you sure?

Max: Yes, I’m…[looks at Maxine] Your brother didn’t do it. May I finish please? [everyone is quiet] I will agree with you on one point, Major. You’re correct when you said someone that was supposed to be helping you is the murderer. Who else but a cold, calculating killer would set up a scheme like this? Who else but someone who wanted to make sure that all of you wouldn’t be leaving this house? Who else but someone who has their job priorities set in stone and one word about the activities of KAOS could certainly destroy them?

99: [shocked] Max! You don’t mean…?

Max: I do.

99: Max…

Max: [looks at her] It’s not me, 99. [looking between 99 and Maxine] God, the two of you are so suspicious!

Zach: Then who are you talking about?

Max: [looking straight ahead] None other than Mr. Ishmael Boody! [gasps from the table]

Boody: Congratulations, Mr. Smart.

Everyone turns to see Mr. Boody, gun in hand, standing at the other end of the table. Everyone is utterly shocked that their host was indeed the killer.

Boody: How did you know I was the killer?

Max: It was interesting how you left us to go into the library and then all of a sudden, you’re dead.

Major: But I checked his pulse! He was dead!

Zach: [to Major] Zombie. Told you.

Max: [annoyed] He’s not a zombie, Zach. [to Boody] All he did was inject himself with a poison that mimics the degrees to a person’s deceased corpse. You all might recall such a drug being used in Shakespeare’s classic, Romeo and Juliet. I also found it interesting that your body somehow disappears and reappears with the dead body of Dr. Peach, whom you killed no doubt.

Boody: No doubt.

Der: I don’t understand.

Zach: Don’t you see? That’s how he knew about the secret passages and how he got a duplicate key for the cabinet. The man owns the house or at least he borrowed it from a friend. [pause] Though I’m not real clear on why you did it and what you plan to do now?

Max: It’s simple, Zach. He’s a deadly, cold-blooded KAOS killer. He couldn’t afford to have six defectors leave KAOS. That’s where we came in. He’d let us think he was on our side, when in reality he was killing off people. I can only assume, Mr. Boody, if my family and I hadn’t come to the conclusion of the case, you would’ve continued killing until there was only one defector left.

99: Making us think that he or she was the real killer.

Max: Exactly, 99. Clever plot, if I do say so myself.

Boody: Thank you, Smart. And I think you even answered your son’s question. The one about what I plan to do next. You see, I can’t possibly let any of you live. I’m being paid a handsome salary by KAOS to rid them of these defectors and I’m sure I’ll catch a little more for the killing of Maxwell Smart and his family.

Black: So the whole thing about you defecting and wanting to help us?

Boody: It was all just a…red herring.

Max acted quickly. He stood up, removed a gun from behind his back and shot Boody. Boody dropped his gun and fell to his knees.

Boody: Good shot, Mr. Smart! [looks and sees wound is fatal] [to Max] Very good. [falls over dead]

99: Oh Max! [hugging him] I’m so proud of you for finding out what Boody was up to.

Max: [smiling] Why thank you, 99.

99: You’re the best.

Max: [nods in agreement] I know.

Burgundy: I can’t believe it was Mr. Boody.

Zach: Told you I didn’t do it.

Just then, a mass of CONTROL agents burst through the door, headed by Dr. Austin Parker.

Parker: Well, Chief, looks like you guys wrapped this whole thing up.

Max: Yes. [points to Boody] Mr. Boody was hired by KAOS to get rid of the informants meeting tonight. His plan was to kill all the informants, making it look as though someone else had committed the murders.

99: He’s the one who killed Dr. Peach in the lounge.

Zach: But if you want to know who killed Mr. Boody, it was my Dad.

99: In the hallway.

Maxine: With the revolver. [Max smiles]

 

 

THE END CREDITS TO GET SMART!!

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