The 99 Factor
Setting: The offices of Congress. Inside the office of Robert James, the senator is on the phone when someone knocks on his door.
James: Come in! [on phone] I’ll call you back, Pete. [hangs up] [to person] Well, this is certainly surprise. What can I help you with?
Voice: You have something that I want, Mr. James.
James: [smirking] Oh? And what might that be?
Voice: The files on the new naval base.
James: Oh you want those, huh? Well, sorry. You can’t have them.
Voice: [removing gun] You’ll gI’ve them to me or I’ll kill you.
James: You’re bluffing. You’re not going to get these files and that’s final.
Just then, a shot rings out in the office and Senator James slumps over his desk. We see a hand pick up a folder that lies on his desk. As the hand leaves, the camera moves back and we see the culprit is none other than Mrs. Maxwell Smart!!
THE OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!!
Setting: CONTROL headquarters. The office of Maxwell Smart. Max was sitting at his desk looking over something, when his son, Agent 78, Zachary Smart came rushing into his office.
Zach: Dad!
Max: Zachary, have you read this file on that naval base?
Zach: Dad, I have something much more important to tell you.
Max: No, really. I think this is very interesting. [phone rings] Excuse me, Zach. [on phone] CONTROL headquarters, Chief speaking. [pause] Oh hi, sweetheart. [to Zach] It’s your mother. [on phone] What’s going on? How’s your day? [pause] It can’t possibly be that bad. [pause] [confused] You’re where??[looks at Zach]
The scene changes to a small police holding room. All of Team Smart was there, along with a Sgt. Haverstick.
Max: I assure you, Sgt. Haverstick, my wife had nothing to do with the murder of Senator Robert James! [to 99] Did you?
99: No!
Max: [to Haverstick] You see.
Haverstick: Mr. Smart, we have about a dozen witnesses that say they saw Mrs. Smart enter the Congress building at 9am, go into Senator James office at about 9:15, and quickly leave at about five minutes after that. Everyone heard the shot and saw her leave.
99: Sgt., I assure you, I had nothing to do with Robert’s murder!
Haverstick: Listen, Mrs. Smart. All I have is the evidence I’ve got. Now, in order to keep this from getting to the papers, there’s going to be a hearing tomorrow morning at 10am. Now, we can’t hold you until that thing’s cleared up, so you’re free to go.
99: Thank you. [starts to leave]
Haverstick: Mrs. Smart, [99 turns around] I hope for your sake, if indeed you were framed, you get all the evidence you need to clear yourself.
Max: Thank you, Sgt.
Zach: See ya. [leaves with group]
The group leave the police station and head for their cars.
Parker: Hey, what’re we going to do?
Zach: What do you mean, what’re we going to do? Were going to save Mom, that’s what we’re going to do!
Parker: [sarcastically] Well, duh! I mean, what do we do? Where do we start?
Max: [annoyed] Look, do you guys think you can talk about this someplace else?
Maxine: Of course, Dad. [to boys] Come on, guys. I’m sure Tracie’s starving for some food. She’s eating for two, you know.
Zach: [annoyed] Alright, alright. [to 99] Listen, Mom. You’ve got nothing to worry about. The four of us are thinking of things right now to get you out of this. You can count on us, Mom.
99: Thank you, Zachary. [kisses him on the cheek] See you guys later.
The four watch as Max and 99 leave. Zach then turns to his team.
Zach: Well, what’re you just standing around for? Come on! We gotta think of something that’ll get Mom out of this mess! [looks from trio]
The next morning, 99 paced back and forth in her bedroom, trying to think of how she would get out of this mess. Max saw the look on her face and went over to her.
Max: Hey, sweetie. What’s wrong?
99: [sarcastically] What’s wrong? Max, I’m heading out to a hearing today to be charged with a murder I didn’t commit, but a dozen witnesses say I did! I tend to be a little nervous about that.
Max: [putting arms around her] Listen, 99, everythings going to work out for the best. Zach and the gang probably worked non-stop yesterday, gathering clues and stuff like that to ensure your innocence. And besides, I know you didn’t kill anyone. I have faith in you.
99: Aw, thank you, Max. [kisses him] You certainly do know how to make a girl feel loved.
Max: [smiling] Well…it’s a gift. Besides, even if you do go to jail, I’ll still visit and everything. I’ll even wait for you to get out. [thinking] Let me see…if you get
first degree murder, that’s about 25 to life, with good behavior…but then again, you might go to the chair…[99 rolls her eyes] But if you get second degree murder, that’s a guaranteed 20 to life, so with good behavior, that’s about…
99: Max, don’t comfort me.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Setting: A make shift courtroom in the basement of the Congress building. The day was uneasily quiet, which was a blessing in disguise, as the reporters hadn’t gotten word of the trial. 99 sat at the defendants table, waiting for her lawyer. Max, Tracie, and Maxine sat behind her in the spectator’s seats. Zach walked in, with Trudi following him and carrying a stack of folders and papers.
99: [looking around] Zach, where’s my lawyer?
Zach: Well, Mom, after careful debate on the matter, I decided that I would be your acting lawyer for this case.
99: [in disbelief] Excuse me?
Zach: Don’t worry about a thing, Mom. I sat up all last night learning the judicial lingo and everything. Trudi even helped me.
99: [closing eyes] That’s not very comforting, Zach.
Zach: Hey, I thought the exact same thing, but you wouldn’t believe all the legal stuff Trudi knows. [sits down]
Trudi: I use to watch a lot of lawyer sHow’s. I’m a big fan of La Law.
99: [to camera] I’m going to jail. I am going to prison.
The presiding judges came in and the court rose to It’s feet. The five panel judges then sat down with the rest of the crowd. They were various senators and representatives, whose legal knowledge had elected them as the judges for this case. They were, from left to right: Senator Chris Peters, former lawyer and judge from Cincinnati; Congressman Matthew Hardy, who spent 25 years as a court judge and five years on the Supreme Court; Senator James Farrell, also a former lawyer and DA for West Palm Beach, Fl.; Congresswoman Lisa Stiles, a promising delegate from Arizona; and Senator Carl Birkmeyer, a tough prosecutor from Maryland.
Hardy: Ladies and gentlemen of the court, we are here to review the case of Mrs. Maxwell Smart, Congresswoman from Washington. She is accused of killing Senator Robert James yesterday morning. This will be like any other inquest. The panel here will decide, based upon evidence, if this accusation is substantiated. Representing the prosecution, is an up and coming lawyer in his own right, [smiling] Mr. Jeffery P. Hardy.
Hardy 2: [standing] Thank you, sir.
Max: [to the girls] I’ve got a strong feeling this thing is rigged.
Hardy: And [looking at paper] I see that there is a substitution for the defense. [looking up] [to Zach] Are you the defense attorney, son?
Zach: [standing] That I am, sir. Mr. Zachary Thomas Smart, esquire. I’ll be representing the client for which we are here. [sitting down]
Hardy: Well, then, Mr. Smart, if you don’t mind, the prosecution will start its opening remarks.
Zach: [grinning smugly] My pleasure.
Hardy 2: [standing] Members of the panel, [gesturing towards crowd] spectators, yesterday morning, Senator Robert James sat at his desk, talking to someone on the phone. It was the last time he would ever speak on the phone. The prosecution will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Mrs. Maxwell Smart, [pointing to 99] that woman right there, came in to Senator James office, removed a pistol, and shot him. We have key eyewitnesses that say Mrs. Smart was in the office at the time of the murder, she was there when the shots rang out, and then she left afterwards. The prosecution has an air tight, [glaring at Zach] open and shut case. [sits back down]
Zach: [clapping] I must say, Mr. Hardy, that was a stellar performance. [getting out of chair] But let me tell you about the woman who is, the woman who makes up, Mrs. Maxwell Smart. Sure, she’s a former CONTROL agent, trained to kill on contact, trained to kill with deadly accuracy, [99 puts her head down] a master of weapons and fighting techniques of all kinds. [pause] But has a spy no heart? Has a spy no feelings? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? If you prick them, do they not bleed? Gentlemen…and lady…of the distinguished panel, the defense will argue the violent nature of that woman [points to 99], my mother, I might add. Sure, she’s killed in the past. Hundreds and hundreds of people, I’m sure! [to panel] But does that make her a murderer? I think not.
Zach goes back to the defense table and notices he’s getting the evil eye from his family.
99: [whispering] [to Zach] When this is over, I’m going to kill you.
Zach: That’s not going to help our case any.
Hardy: With…all that said, Mr. Hardy, you may call your first witness.
Hardy 2: The prosecution calls Ms. Lisa Johns.
An extremely tall woman exited her seat from the behind the prosecutor and went to the witness stand. The bailiff swore her in and she sat down.
Hardy 2: Please state your name for the court.
Johns: Lisa Marie Johns.
Hardy 2: And what is your occupation, Ms. Johns?
Johns: I’m a secretary in the Congress building.
Hardy 2: Specifically whose secretary?
Johns: I’m Mrs. Smart’s secretary.
Hardy 2: On the morning of May 15, did you see Mrs. Smart?
Johns: Yes, sir, I did.
Hardy 2: Would you please recount the days activities to the court?
Johns: Well, as always, Mrs. Smart came in at about 9 o’clock that morning. She didn’t go her office, but headed straight for Senator James. The office is about five or six doors down from hers. Then a couple minutes later, there was a shot, and Mrs. Smart came running from the office.
Hardy 2: Thank you, Ms. Johns. [to Zach] Your witness.
Zach: Ms. Johns…um…Lisa, [smiles] how long have you worked for Mrs. Smart?
Johns: Oh, from the time she became a congresswoman.
Zach: That long, huh? So in that time, have you ever known her to be…temperamental? You know, 99 loses control and goes crazy? That kind of thing.
Johns: Oh no. Mrs. Smart’s not someone to go off half cocked, if that’s what you mean.
Zach: Lisa, on that day…was there anything weird that you noticed?
Johns: Not really. It was a normal day, well except for the James murder of course.
Zach: Of course. Lisa, one more question. Did anyone else come near that office before Mrs. Smart?
Johns: No. In fact, the only way to get to that office is to go past me. Most of Congress takes their sweet time coming in, so not a lot of traffic is in at 9 o’clock in the morning. With the exception of Mrs. Smart, of course.
Zach: [disappointed] Right. No further questions. [sits back down]
Birkmeyer: Next witness, Mr. Hardy.
Hardy 2: Prosecution calls Dr. Victor Fong to the stand. [after Fong is on stand] Dr. Fong, what is your occupation to this case?
Fong: I’m the presiding coroner and head of forensics in Washington. I headed up the removal of Senator James’ body.
Hardy 2: Tell us what you found.
Fong: Well, Senator James was shot at close range with a .22 revolver.
Hardy 2: To your knowledge, was a .22 revolver found later?
Fong: Uh, yes, sir, there was.
Hardy 2: Who did it belong to?
Fong: The defendant, Mrs. Smart.
Hardy 2: Did you find any fingerprints in the office?
Fong: Yes sir and they belonged to Mrs. Smart.
Hardy 2: Thank you, Dr. Fong. [to Zach] [smiling] Your witness.
Zach: Dr. Fong, is it true to say you wore two hats that day?
Fong: Um…well, yes and no.
Zach: One straight answer, please.
Fong: Well, at the scene I was working forensics and I had some colleagues doing the coroner bit.
Zach: I see. Dr. Fong, on the morning of May 15th, did you…shampoo your hair?
Hardy 2: [confused] Objection, your honor. Dr. Fong’s personal hab’ts aren’t up for play here.
Zach: [to panel] Your honor, I’m just merely testing the mindset of Dr. Fong while he was at the scene.
Stiles: I’ll allow it, [to Zach] but make this quick, Mr. Smart.
Zach: will do, your honor. [to Fong] Answer the question, sir.
Fong: Yes, I shampooed my hair.
Zach: Ah ha. And after you shampooed your hair, did you…rinse and repeat?
Fong: [confused] Um…no.
Zach: Ah ha. So even though on your little bottle of Head and Shoulders, it specifically tells you to rinse and repeat, you chose to ignore that, didn’t you, Dr. Fong? What else did you ignore, Dr. Fong? [99 holds her head in her hands] Did you at least condition you hair before you left home?
Fong: No, I did not.
Zach: I see. So there you were, examining evidence with a dry, itchy, flaky scalp. You make me sick. Did you at least find anything else that could possibly tie my client to the murder, Dr. Fong? If that is, indeed, your real name.
Fong: [sarcastically] Well, yes, as a matter of fact. We found tire tracks from your mother’s jeep outside in the parking lot.
Zach: [pause] [annoyed] Oh, you did not!
Fong: Did too.
Zach: Did not!
Hardy: Mr. Smart! If You’re quite through with Dr. Fong!
Zach: [glaring at Fong] I’m through.
Birkmeyer: I think at this time, we can break for lunch. Some of the offices downstairs have been open for your disposal. We’ll convene at 2 o’clock this afternoon.
The panel disperses and the prosecutor was tidying up.
Zach: [leaning back in chair] Well, I think the case is coming along quite nicely, don’t you?
99: [standing] [angered and annoyed] Zachary!
Zach: [laughing and looking around nervously] Mom, please, lower your voice. You’re going to cost us this case.
Tracie: Hey, I got us a room. Room 212.
99: Zachary, 212, NOW! [leaves]
Zach: I have a weird feeling she’s mad at me.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Setting: Room 212, in the basement of the Congress building. In the middle of the room was a long table, to which Zach sat on the edge of it. 99 sat in the chair at the head of the table, with Max standing next to her. Both were not happy.
99: [calmly] Zachary, let…let me ask you a question. Are you…are you trying to send me to jail? I mean, do you really want your mother in prison?
Zach: Of course not! Mom, I love you!
99: You certainly have a funny way of showing it.
Maxine: [sarcastically] Did you shampoo your hair? I mean, really, Zach!
Zach: [angry] Shut up! It was a perfect defense strategy! I got him all confused.
Max: And angry to boot! Don’t forget that’s the guy who holds all the witnesses together.
99: Listen, Zachary. I appreciate everything you’re trying to do and it was sweet of you to want to try and defend me, but I really think this is a little out of your league.
Zach: what’re you trying to tell me, Mom?
99: I’m just saying, maybe it’s time you let a real professional…
Zach: Are you firing me?
99: I’m not firing you! I’m just…letting you go.
Zach: [calmly] I’m sorry, Mom, I…just can’t let you do that. I think with the stress of the trial and impending jail time, you’re just not thinking straight.
Max: Zachary, you have the potential to send your mother to jail! And I assure you, son, if that happens, you are in big trouble.
Zach: [standing] And I assure you, Dad, I won’t let that happen. Zachary Smart is not going to send his mother to the gas chamber! [calmly] Now, look. I know that right now, things seem to be going pretty slowly for the defense team, but I’ve got Parker out looking for clues in James office and he should be back at any minute now. Come on, guys. Trust me, please. I wouldn’t take this thing if I knew we couldn’t win. Now, all we gotta do is sit down and go over some stuff and wait for Austin to get back. Believe me, guys, this is just the beginning of the battle.
Meanwhile, at the Congress building, Dr. Austin Parker was going over Senator James office. He first looked on the floor for anything odd that might be in their favor. Under the desk, Austin found an earring. It was pale silver and had different colors surrounding it. Austin put it in his pocket and continued to search. He ended up checking through the files. It was there he noticed a file was missing. He looked around the office and saw the imprint of something rectangular on the desk. He took a random file from the cabinet and placed it on the rectangle. It fit.
He put the file back, closed the drawer, and left. He had an appointment at the police station. Austin spent about an hour at the station and then hurried back to the makeshift court. He walked in, just as the panel had dismissed the court for the day. They would meet back tomorrow morning at 10 o’clock. Everyone started to leave, as Austin went over to his home team corner. Zach had his head buried in his arms, Max looked like he was going to kill someone, Maxine looked bored, Tracie looked hungry, and Trudi was off in to space, as always. 99 placed her hand on Zach’s shoulder.
Zach: [agitated] I don’t want to hear it!
Parker: I can see things are not happy in the Smart camp.
Zach: [annoyed] [to Parker] Where have you been?
Parker: Checking things out, as you asked.
Maxine: And?
Parker: And, I think I have something interesting to tell you guys. Follow me.
The group follow Austin into 212 and wonder what evidence he could possibly have.
Max: Well, Austin? What’s up?
Parker: First of all, were you all aware that a file is missing from Senator James office?
99: What file?
Parker: Good question. Whatever file is missing is the file that our killer has. Also, the gun they say you used…isn’t your gun.
Zach: Speak slower, Austin. I think you’ve lost Trudi. [look from Austin]
Parker: The .22 revolver that was used to shoot James, is not your mother’s gun. It has her fingerprints on it, sure, but it’s not registered to her.
99: Which proves I couldn’t possibly have shot James.
Parker: Technically. As I said, it doesnt belong to you, but your prints are on it. Oh, by the way, [hands earring to 99] here.
99: What is it?
Parker: It’s an earring.
99: I can see that, but it’s not mine.
Parker: Are you sure?
99: First of all, Austin, it’s ugly. Secondly, [taking earring] It’s made of aluminum. I can’t wear it. I’m allergic.
Parker: [surprised] You are?
99: Yes, why?
Parker: Because I found this earring under James desk. Now, I’m positive this is a woman’s earring and, unless there’s something about Senator James we don’t know about, this was dropped by someone other than you.
Max: The killer.
Parker: Exactly.
Zach: So all we gotta do is find out who, which is gonna be harder than said. The prosecution has their star witness tomorrow. A Mrs. Talia Myres.
The scene moves to plush house in the middle of town. A woman in her early forties is sitting on her couch, curled up by the fire, and talking on the phone.
Myres: Don’t worry, Jimmy. I know exactly what I plan to say. With my testimony, Mrs. Maxwell Smart will be out of our hair forever. [laughs]
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Setting: The courtroom. The prosecution was on a high rolling streak. They had presented seven witnesses already who testified that 99 was in the Congress building at the time of the murder and in the office of the victim. But the real star was Talia Myres, the one person who actually saw 99 leave James office and rush out after the shot was fired.
Hardy 2: Mrs. Myres, on the day of May 15, were you in the Congress building that morning?
Myres: Yes I was.
Hardy 2: Please tell the court what you had been doing.
Myres: Well, I had gotten to the Congress building at about 8:30am. I was just hanging around the water cooler, getting a drink, when I saw a woman enter Senator James office. A couple minutes later, I heard a shot and the woman ran out of the office like a bat out of hell.
Hardy 2: The woman you saw go into the office and then run out,[looking at the defense] is she in the courtroom today?
Myres: Yes, she is. [pointing to 99] The woman was the defendant, Mrs. Maxwell Smart.
Hardy 2: [smiling at Zach] No further questions.
Myres: Your witness, Mr. Smart.
Zach: [standing] Um…Mr. Farrell and panel…I was wondering if the defense could have the rest of the day to go over Mrs. Myres’ testimony.
Farrell: [surprised] The whole day!? Mr. Smart, we’ve been in court for only an hour and you want the rest of the day off? This highly irregular!
Hardy: I agree, Mr. Smart.
Zach: I understand your concerns, but if my client and I could have the rest of the day to discuss some things, the defense will be ready to present its case tomorrow.
Farrell: Highly irregular!
Hardy: I agree, but if Mr. Smart needs more time to prepare, I think the court can accommodate. [to Zach] Alright, Mr. Smart. Tomorrow morning, 9am, I expect you to be more prepared.
Zach: Thank you for your leniency, your honors.
Hardy 2: [to Zach] You’re wasting your time, Smart. Perhaps you know I’ve already won. [to 99] I’m sorry to do this to you, Mrs. Smart.
99: [glaring at Hardy] I’m sure you are.
Hardy 2: Really, I am, but I do have a job to do. Perhaps you should’ve gotten![looks at Zach] a real lawyer to defend you.
Hardy turns to leave, just as Zach goes to swing at him. 99, Max, and Austin are quick enough to hold him as the gang watches Hardy and his co-counsel leave. Later that night, Tracie found Zach sitting in the courtroom by himself.
Tracie: Sweetie, you know were all in 212, right?
Zach: [turning] Yeah, babe, I know. I just wanted to…get some air.
Tracie: Well, a courtroom is often the place one goes to get air. [sitting in his lap] What’s wrong?
Zach: Do you think I’m going to send Mom to jail?
Tracie: Of course not. I think you’re letting Hardy’s words get to you.
Zach: Well, I can’t help it. I mean, I haven’t been much on this whole thing.
Tracie: Zach, there’s only so much you can do. There’s only one of you. You certainly can’t be in two places at once.
Zach: [nodding] You’re right, Trace. I can’t!
Zach stopped in mid-sentence and looked up. He slowly turned to look at his wife, with a strange look on his face.
Zach: Tracie that’s it. That’s it! [kisses her] You are a genius!
Zach quickly got up, almost pushing Tracie off his lap and ran to the room where his family was. Within minutes, he burst through the door and pointed at 99.
Zach: You are a free woman!
99: [confused] I beg your pardon?
Zach: Your daughter in law is a genius. I can not believe we sat here and it didn’t hit us. It was in front of our faces the whole time!
Max: What was in front of our faces?
Zach: How can one person be in two places at the same time?
Trudi: [snapping her fingers] I got it! Maybe your Mom has a split personality!
99: [sarcastically] that’s brilliant, Trudi. And just exactly how close to the TV do you sit while you watch La Law! [calmly] I’m sorry, Trudi. I shouldn’t snap at you like that.
Zach: You guys, listen to me! Now, how can Mom be at home, on her way to work, if she’s already there and has committed a murder?
The group sit and think about this question, before it finally comes to a reality.
Parker: That would explain the earring!
Maxine:…and the gun!
Max:…and the witnesses!
99: Oh my God!
Everyone: The League of Impostors!
Zach: YES!
Max: Zachary, that’s incredible! [pause] But how are you going to prove that?
Zach: [pause] Well, I guess I didn’t think this through.
Parker: First, we have to find out who this impostor is and then if we find that missing file, then she’s the killer.
99: But Austin, howre we going to do that? We only have tonight.
Zach: Wait a minute, wait a minute. All we need to do is trip up the prosecution’s witnesses. Yeah, that’s it. Austin, go and find out if any members from the league live in Washington or are in Washington at this time. Tracie, you need to go home and get some rest. [kisses her cheek] Dad, you can take her home. Max, Mom…you girls follow me. [the girls look at each other in confusion]
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Setting: The next day, court started as usual, with Jeff Hardy sitting at the prosecutor’s table smiling. Zach, too, had a smile on his face. Next to him, 99 sat, wearing shades and a large sun hat. Max, Tracie, and Trudi sat behind the defense table.
Tracie: [to Zach] Sweetie, you didn’t tell me what your plan was.
Zach: don’t worry, babe. It’s fool proof. This is just what we need to build our case.
Max: You’re sure this is going to work?
Zach: Dad, trust me. Fool proof. Totally fool proof.
Tracie: How can you be so sure?
Trudi: He saw this on a Perry Mason movie. [Max & Tracie look at each other]
Zach: The Return of Perry Mason I believe. Saw it just yesterday, as a matter of fact.
Max: [to Tracie] I hope you have a lot of free time on your hands, Tracie.
Tracie: Why’s that?
Max: You’re going to need it in order to visit your mother-in-law in prison.
Birkmeyer: Are you quite ready to proceed with your cross-examination, Mr. Smart?
Zach: [standing] Yes, sir, Senator Birkmeyer, sir. Defense recalls Lisa Johns to the stand.
Lisa Johns once again takes the stand.
Zach: [smiling] Good morning, Lisa. How are you?
Johns: [smiling as well] Fine, Mr. Smart. Thank you for asking. And yourself?
Zach: [leaning on witness stand] Well, you know I’m doing alright considering. You know this whole case has kinda put a damper on my weekend though. You see, my wife and I…
Hardy 2: [annoyed] Objection, your honor. This is neither the time nor the place to have a leisurely conversation!
Zach: [to Hardy2] You’re just all about sucking the fun from my life, aren’t you?
Stiles: [annoyed] Mr. Smart!
Zach: I’m just building a report with the witness. [to Johns] Lisa, now yesterday, you took the stand and you gave your testimony. Today, you wanted to add something?
Johns: Yes. I had been thinking about what you said, Mr. Smart, if I had seen anyone and well, I’m not sure if it’s helpful, but I did see someone.
Hardy 2: Objection! Prosecution wasnt aware of this new development!
Farrell: Over ruled. The development was relayed to the panel and that’s really all that matters, Mr. Hardy.
Zach: [pointing at Hardy2] Put that in your Funk and Wagnalls.
Peters: Mr. Smart!
Zach: [to stenographer] Strike that. But make a copy for me. [to Johns] You had been saying, Lisa, my sweet?
Johns: Well, when I arrived that morning, I did notice a strange couple hanging around the building doors. I didn’t really pay them much attention, but I had never seen them before and I know everyone in the building.
Hardy 2: Objection! Your honor, this is totally irrelevant!
Zach: [to hardy2] Hey, this helps my case! And it’s gonna prove that that woman [points to 99] is not a murderer!
Hardy 2: I can not believe this. You are making a mockery of the judicial system!
Zach: Look, let’s try to be mature about this, you big whiney baby.
Hardy 2: You take that back!
Zach: Come make me!
Hardy 2: [being restrained by his partner] When I get my hands…
Zach: [being restrained by the bailiff] You want a piece of me, lawyer boy?
Hardy: [banging gavel] ENOUGH! [the two stop] I have never been a witness to such…I can’t even explain it! You are out of order, Mr. Hardy! Now control yourself or I will place you in contempt! [Hardy 2 sits down] You! [points gavel at Zach] Are you quite finished with this witness?
Zach: All done.
Hardy: Then move along.
Zach: Yes, sir. [to Johns] You can step down. [Johns leaves witness stand]
Peters: Call your next witness, Mr. Smart.
Zach: Defense calls the so-called star prosecution witness, Talia Myres.
Hardy 2: Objection.
Hardy: Dually noted. [to stenographer] Please strike that.
Zach: Sorry. [Myres takes the stand] Mrs. Myres…
Myres: Miss. I’m not married.
Zach: Whatever. MISS Myres…on the morning of May 15, you said that you saw my client, Mrs. Maxwell Smart, enter and leave the office of Senator James. Is that correct?
Myres: Yes, it is.
Zach: Do you remember what she was wearing?
Hardy 2: Objection, you honor! I mean, really!
Zach: If the court will indulge me on this point, I think I can explain what may have happened on the morning of the 15.
Stiles: This is highly irregular, Mr. Smart. In fact, your whole performance on this case has lacked the high standards of the bar.
Zach: I know and I apologize, but if the court would just allow me this one little project, I can get this thing wrapped up and have you all on the green at tee off time.
Farrell: [sighing] Nothing has stopped you so far. Proceed.
Zach: Thanks. [to Myres] Answer the question. Do you need it repeated? [points to stenographer]
Stenographer: [reading] “Do you remember what she was wearing?”
Myres: [hesitant] I believe it was a gray business suit, [points to 99] kinda of like what she’s wearing now.
Zach: Will Mrs. Maxwell Smart please stand up?
All of a sudden, the room erupts in confusion, as two 99s stand up. The first at the defense table and the second in the back of the room. Hardy bangs his gavel.
Hardy: [to crowd] Order! Order! [to Zach] What is the meaning of this?
Zach: I’m just showing the court how it could be possible for someone else to look like my client. The defense believes a covert group by the name of the League of Impostors, impersonated my mother that day and shot Senator James.
Hardy 2: Objection! This is ridiculous! Smart is obviously afraid of losing, so he makes up fairy tales in order to save his mother!
Zach: [grabs a folder from Trudi] Your honor, this is a file on the League of Impostors. They are a fraction of the evil organization of KAOS, a dirty little group that I nor my mother are strangers to.
Farrell: But Mr. Smart, what does this have to do with your case?
Zach: Simple. [to Myres] Who was the woman you saw May 15?
Myres: Your trickery may work on the court, Mr. Smart, but not me. I know the woman in the back is really your mother. I, too, saw the Return of Perry Mason yesterday.
Zach: Then you’ll also know that the second woman was a man. [Myres looks shocked] That’s right. A man couldve easily killed Senator James. But a man didn’t kill James. By the way, my mother…[99 stands up from the second row, seated next to Tracie] She was in the second row, sitting next to my wife. [Myres can’t believe it] And again, you were wrong about the suit. The truth is, you had been wearing the gray suit when you walked into the Congress building. True, my Mom had put on a gray suit, but she changed before she came to work. Something about shoes not matching, but that’s beside the point. It was you that was hanging around outside the building and it was you that went into Senator James office and it was you that killed him.
Myres: Objection!
Hardy 2: Hey, I say that.
Myres: Well, then say it!
Hardy 2: Oh. Uh…Objection!
Zach: Over ruled.
Hardy: Hey, I say that!
Zach: Well, then say it!
Hardy: Uh…over ruled?
Zach: Thanks.
Zach walks over to the table, where the second 99, really Austin in drag, hands him a folder.
Austin: [whispering] You sooo owe me.
Zach: I got cha covered. [walking back to the witness stand] [to Myres] A folder was stolen from James’ office. Have any idea what it was?
Myres: I don’t know what You’re talking about.
Zach: You will. Defense exhibit…what? five? [hands folder to panel] That is a duplicate folder of the one stolen from Senator James office.
Myres: Impossible!
Zach: Why? Cause you and whoever your accomplice took the original? James was smart. He made duplicate copies of all the files in his office and put them in a hidden safe. I can get my associate to take the stand if you’d like. [walks back over to table, where Tracie hands him the earring] [walks back to Myres] [holds up earring] You recognize this earring?
Myres: I assume it’s your mother’s.
Zach: Nope and I’ll tell you why. First of all, this is an ugly earring. Secondly, it’s made of aluminum. My mother’s allergic. Thirdly, after looking at this earring, my wonderful and incredibly smart wife thought she had seen it before, but where? Looking again, she noticed she had seen a pair just like this on you when you testified. Incredibly enough, I notice now that You’re not wearing earrings today. What’s the matter? Keep losing them? [hands earring to panel] This is what happened. You drove over to the house and check what my Mom would be wearing. You then found an exact copy and headed over towards the Congress building. There, you went passed everyone that would see my mother, shot Senator James, and left, probably passing my Mom’s jeep as you made a getaway. This must’ve been a plan in the making. Down to the wire. You get copies of different clothing that my Mom has, you know what time shed be getting to work. You know, I bet you had a car waiting for you, explaining why my Moms jeep tires were found. Or maybe you got an exact replica of my Mom’s car. Not too hard to find and besides…KAOS pays enough.
Maxine: [dressed as 99] He always comes back to that.
Myres just sits there, a huge smile on her face, before she replies to the charges.
Myres: [sighing] You are a lot smarter than people give you credit for, Mr. Smart. KAOS has sadly underestimated you and your family for years. I thought this plan would finally put an end to you. Again, I underestimated.
Zach: Well, not everyone can be as brilliant as me. It’s a family thing, you know.
Myres: [standing] This is not over, Mr. Smart. KAOS is not to be beaten at every turn. There are things in motion that even you can’t stop. Sooner or later, Mr. Smart, you will meet your match. And it will be your downfall.
Myres steps down and is quickly handcuffed by the bailiffs. Hardy 2 stands up, in complete shock and slight confusion.
Hardy 2: Um…due to the…recent development…the prosecution asks for a mistrial.
Hardy: The court accepts.
The court launches into applause, as 99 gives Zach a big hug. Zach kisses Maxine and delivers a huge one to Austin’s cheek, much to the doctors vexation. Tracie hugs Max and Trudi throws a
folder in the air. Hardy 2 comes over.
Hardy 2: [extending his hand] Highly unorthodox, but very damned impressive. And apparently, very effective.
Zach: [shaking hand] Hey, I wouldn’t be here if it wasnt for the TV lawyers. I give thanks to Matlock and Perry Mason.
Trudi: And La Law.
Hardy 2: Well, I guess there are some things even the bar doesn’t teach you.
Zach: Yep. And those things can be learned from television. [Tracie gives him a hug]
Tracie: Oh, Zachy, I’m so proud of you!
Zach: Hey, didn’t I say we’d win? didn’t I?
Max: I gotta admit, Zachary, you had us worried for a minute. A lot of minutes. Couple of days actually…
Zach: But I still got the job done. [to 99] Mom, we won. You’re a free woman again. Why do you look so down in the dumps?
99: Oh Zach, I’m so proud of you. [gives him another hug] But I’m also worried. Do you think Myres meant what she said? About things happening that we can’t stop?
Zach: Mom, that’s just the way the world works. [99 rolls her eyes] I can’t know if my kids gonna when he grows up. You wont know what You’ll have for lunch tomorrow. Things in the future!
99: Zach, I meant her threat about KAOS. Do you think theyre really planning something that could get rid of us for good?
Maxine: Mom, you worry too much. KAOS says that every time.
Zach: And time and time again, we kick their…
99: Zachary!
Zach: Well, you know. KAOS isnt too bright to be planning ahead of the game. Now, let’s forget about this and lets get breakfast or brunch or whatever. I’m starving!
The group walk out of the courtroom and head for the nearest food cart. In another part of town, two agents are talking in an office.
Agent 1: You think this impostor thing is gonna work.
Agent 2: Knowing Smart, probably not, but we got other things to plan.
Agent 1: Oh you mean Agent Hill’s! [second agent covers his mouth]
Agent 2: What’s a matter with you?! That’s top-secret. We’re not even supposed to be talking about it outside of his office.
Agent 1: Sorry.
Agent 2: But yeah, that’s his plan. I’m not sure how it’ll work though. We don’t know the whole plan. No one knows! Not even high command!
Agent 1: It must be a big plan.
Agent 2: Totally. If you want a plan to succeed, you call in the second in command.