The Bank Express
Setting: The First National Bank of Washington. Inside the bank itself, the atmosphere was quiet. There were a couple of people in line to cash checks or do with drawls; there was a man at the customer service desk; a young couple hugged each other at the loan center, just learning of the approval of their loan; and each teller was individually helping their customers. Inside, the bank manager’s office, however, was a different scene. The bank manager was tied and gagged to his chair, while three men went through his files.
Man 1: I got it!
Man 2: Great. [to manager] Now you be a good little boy and sit there and count to one hundred. If you make a sound, we’ll kill you. Got it? [manager nods] Good. Let’s go. [group leaves office]
The three men leave the office and walk out in the bank. They looked around, then took out their guns and started to fire. People hit the floor simultaneously as the gunfire continued. The men laughed, then took off out the door.
Some of the tellers stood up and pressed their alarm buttons, but by the time the cops arrived, the trio were gone. Scene change over to the office of Chief Maxwell Smart in the secret organization of CONTROL. All members of Team Smart stood assembled in front of Max’s desk.
Max: I won’t beat around the bush, so I’ll get right into it. There’s been a robbery.
Zach: Here? Is the Cone of Silence gone?
Max: No. It’s still here. See? [points above his head] [Zach looks and is relieved] The robbery was at the First National Bank of Washington this morning and just minutes ago, the Second National Bank of Washington was robbed.
Parker: I hate to be insensitive, but…did we lose money? I mean, as agents of CONTROL, are we getting paid? [Zach, Maxine, and Tracie look at Max]
Max: [annoyed] Yes. Our money is in the Fifth National Bank of Washington.
Zach: I thought our money was in the Fourth National Bank of Washington
Max: It was. I made a shrewd business deal with the FBI to have them switch accounts with us. Now they are in the Fourth National Bank of Washington. [Jr. members nod] Now, as I was saying, two banks have been robbed.
Tracie: Well, how much money was taken, Chief?
Max: No money was taken.
Maxine: They kidnapped someone?
Max: Nope.
Parker: Wait. No money, no victim…what exactly did they rob the bank of?
Max: Files.
Zach: Excuse me?
Max: You know how banks keep files on all their employees?
Zach: Yes.
Max: That’s what they took.
The four looked at Max and between each other.
Zach: Why?
Max: [smiles] You tell me, first born.
Maxine: Um…Daddy, not to be rude or anything, but um…couldn’t you have given us a much better case? This sorta has a… um…rookieness flavor to it.
Zach: Yeah, Dad. Couldn’t we have a suicide mission or something? [the other three nod in agreement] We haven’t had one of those in really long time.
99: The importance of this case is that KAOS is involved and they’re blackmailing and in some cases killing high ranking officials.
Zach: [confused] And that’s bad, right? [Max and 99 nod]
Tracie: [also confused] So there must be something interesting in those files?
Max and 99: Uh huh.
Parker: So…we should probably go get those files back?
Max: Bingo.
Zach: [still confused] Right. Go…find files. [starts to leave, then stops] [to Max] Dad, I’m confused.
Parker: Yeah, us too. I’m not sure we understand this whole thing. It doesn’t make any sense.
Max: I know that. Look, gang, I am just as confused as you are. I just know two things. KAOS is involved and that’s bad. That’s it. Those are the two things that I know. So everything else…
Maxine: …We have to find out.
Zach: Well, this sounds like a dumb case.
Tracie: Sounds like busy work to me.
Zach: Yeah. I don’t know, Dad. You think maybe the president doesn’t like us anymore?
Parker: Zach, the president has never liked us.
Zach: Oh yeah. I don’t know why. I think we’re a very lovely group. Very funny, hardworking…
99: Listen, regardless how the president views us, we have a job to do.
Maxine: What’re you going to do?
99: [annoyed with the job] I get to play banker at the Third National Bank of Washington.
Zach: Say, that sounds like a lot more fun. Can we switch jobs with Mom? [dirty look from Max] I take that as a no?
NEW OPENING CREDITS OF GET SMART!
Setting: The Third National Bank of Washington. Agent 99 was sitting in the bank manager’s, watching him talk on the phone. He quickly finished up his call to talk to her.
Manager: Sorry about that, Mrs. Smart. Now, about what you were saying…
99: I was saying, your bank might be in for a lot of trouble.
Manager: Yeah, I heard about the first two National Banks. That really sucks.
99: Yeah, it does. So what are you going to do about it?
Manager: No fear, Mrs. Smart. I’ve got guards all over the bank. The vault is securely tight and all tellers have panic buttons.
99: That would be all well and dandy if these guys were stealing money. Now, what I want to know is, what is so important about your files on your employees?
Manager: Hell if I know.
99: [annoyed] Good answer.
Manager: Believe me, Mrs. Smart, if I knew what was so hot about these files, I’d let you have them.
99: Well, [gets up to leave] if you find anything, you’ll let me know.
Manager: Of course. [99 leaves]
As 99 leaves the bank, the same three men from earlier enter and within ten minutes of her departure, the files from the Third National Bank of Washington are gone. Later in the day, Zach and Tracie go over to the bank to find out what happened.
Manager: They just came in here, asked where my files were, then tied me up.
Tracie: Well, what did they take?
Manager: [going over to file cabinet] Looks like they took the file on one of our shareholders, Christine Norris.
Tracie: [thinking] Christine Norris…
Zach: Know her?
Tracie: Name sounds familiar. [to manager] That was the only file they took?
Manager: Yes ma’am.
The two leave the bank and head for Zach’s car.
Tracie: Three guys go into a bank, tie up the manager, and shoot up the place, for one file? That doesn’t make any sense.
Zach: This case seems to be looking up.
The two head back over to CONTROL, to see virtual chaos in Max’s office. Max, 99, Parker, and Maxine were on the phones constantly writing stuff down and rushing over to a large blackboard with names on it.
Max: [hanging up phone] [to Zach and Tracie] I’m glad you guys are here. [on intercom to Trudi] Trudi! That’s it. There will be no more calls to this office for the rest of the day.
Trudi: So if your wife calls, I should tell her not to bother you?
Max: [annoyed] Well, if my wife WERE to call, I would appreciate it if you’d put her through, but seeing as she’s already in my office, I guess you won’t have a problem with that! [off intercom] [pause] You know…sometimes, a person can be too nice and promise things you would normally not promise and when that promise comes to fruition, you’re left with an…undesirable problem on your hands and getting rid of that problem would either mean loads of guilt or certain jail time. [pause] [to Zach and Tracie] Anyways, I’m glad you guys are here. [going to board] Know what these are?
Tracie: Names on a blackboard?
Max: [annoyed] Good answer. These are the names of the files that have been taken from the banks that have been robbed, bringing the total to about five or six banks.
Zach: Well you can add Christine Norris to that list and the Third National Bank of Washington to the bank list.
Max: Six banks, then. [stands back to look at board]
Maxine: Hey Daddy, look at this. Six names are names of KAOS defectors.
99: Two of the names are of present congress members.
Zach: And the other two names are of present bank managers.
Max: Okay. So how does all of this tie in together? [everyone looks at Max]
Zach: That’s…that’s a good question, Pop.
Max: I think so. Look, I have an idea. Seeing as the first three National Banks of Washington have been robbed, along with some other banks, I figure the next target would be the Fourth National Bank of Washington. So in order to stop them from getting to the Fifth National Bank of Washington, where our money is, I say we stop them at the fourth bank.
Zach: I like that. Dad, as the head of the CONTROL Agents Guild, I like that idea a lot.
99: So how are we going to stop them?
Max: I’ve arranged it so that we’ll be working at the Fourth National Bank of Washington [everyone looks at Max]
The scene changes to an office, in which the three men from earlier are sitting talking to a fourth man.
Man 4: You guys are doing a good job. At this rate, not only will KAOS be in the money, but CONTROL has no clue as to what we’re doing.
Man 2: I have a question, sir. With all the files that we’re taking, of what purpose do they serve KAOS?
Man 4: Let’s just say the files you are stealing are of high importance to KAOS as well as certain members of the government. With these files, we have a slight advantage over them. And CONTROL is still trying to figure out what’s going on.
Man 3: I just got word, Team Smart is held up over in the Fourth National Bank of Washington They’re waiting for us to show up.
Man 4: You’ll be getting there, eventually, but until then, I want the Smarts to be completely off based when it comes to catching us. And just when they think they have us, we’ll have them.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Setting: The Fourth Bank of Washington. Inside, the bank was functioning as normal as it usually did. Two guards carrying a large trunk walked in through the door. One of the men dropped the trunk and it landed on the other guard’s foot. The second guard screamed in pain and started to turn on the other guard. Before the two got into a fight, the bank manager stopped them.
Max: Hey!
The two guards stop, look over, and we see they are Zach and Austin. Max motions them over and the two pick up the trunk and walk over. Zach stops to talk to a pretty young teller, who just happens to be Tracie, but is dragged off by Max and taken into the vault.
Max: Did you bring it?
Parker: [sarcastically] Of course. What do you think we have in this trunk? Jimmy Hoffa?
Max: [annoyed] Very funny. [opens trunk]
The guys take out listening devices and tracking monitors and set them on a large table inside the vault.
Max: What’ve we got?
Parker: [pointing to monitor] This is a state of the art tracking monitor. All you have to do is pin this little baby on those creeps [gives Max a small disk] and the machine will pick it up.
Zach: These listening devices, Pop, can hear up to 500 feet. So if you get in trouble, we can hear you and come save you. All you gotta do is put this picture frame in your office. [hands Max picture frame]
Max: You mean the listening device is in the picture frame?
Parker: The picture frame IS the listening device. [Max looks at Parker] We’re low on supplies in the lab. You gotta make due with what you’ve got.
Max: Well, one of you will have to stay in here and make sure nothing happens to me or those files that’ll be in my office.
Zach: You don’t have them in there now?
Max: You’re mother’s bringing them in. [leaves]
Zach: [looks at Parker] See ya, cowboy.
Parker: Where the hell are you going?
Zach: I’m going to see my baby. [starts to leave]
Parker: Now wait a minute. Have you forgotten your sister’s working here too? Maybe I’d like to talk to her.
Zach: Uh huh. You gonna ask her out? Gonna tell her how you feel? Gonna marry her?
Parker: Well, no…but…
Zach: Oh well, it clearly states in the CONTROL Romance Handbook, that unless you make your intentions know, you will have to be left behind and watch out for stuff.
Parker: What is the CONTROL Romance Handbook and where in it does it say that?
Zach: [thinking] Chapter 2, section 5, paragraph 15. [leaves]
Zach leaves and goes in search of Tracie. He stands in her lane and finally gets up to her.
Zach: [smiling] Hello, darling.
Tracie: [smiling] Hi.
Maxine turned to see what Tracie was doing and rolled her eyes at them. She took care of her last customer and went over to Tracie’s stall.
Maxine: I hate to break up this love fest, but [to Zach] shouldn’t you be doing your job?
Zach: I am doing my job. I’m a security guard and right now, I’m guarding Tracie’s security.
Agent 99 walked through the door, holding a stack of files in her hand.
Maxine: May I help you, ma’am?
99: is your manager around?
Max: Right here.
99: Mind if I talk to you in your office?
Max: Of course. [loudly] Any member of our proud faculty is welcomed into our bank of business.
Everyone turned to listen to Max and then went back about their business. Max and 99 headed in to Max’s office.
99: I have something for you.
Max: [closing door with his hand] I have something for you too. [goes to kiss her]
99: [moving out of the way] I brought those files over for you. [puts them on his desk]
Max: Did you see that my door locks? [locks door]
99: Max, you should be doing your job.
Max: I am doing my job. [puts arms around her]
99: [smiling] Flirting with me isn’t the same as guarding this bank.
Max: Close enough. [kisses her on the cheek]
99: Any problems yet?
Max: [letting her go] Not yet. We’ve been here for about an hour.
99: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I could tell you something about those names on the board yesterday.
Max: Really?
99: Well, you know me, I sit that office all day and I get kinda bored, so I end up…looking through stuff.
Max: [grinning] That’s my girl. Looking up stuff for me. What cha find out?
99: Basically, everyone on that list has some tie to KAOS. Those six defectors were now respectable members of society and all just happened to be shareholders or workers for the National Banks of Washington and…
Max: There’s more?
99: Lots more. Each of those names as some tie into Washington.
Max: Wow. What’s the tie in?
99: I didn’t find that out. I figured that would be your job.
Max: Done. But I think our first clue to this is getting those robbers first. [knock on door] Come in.
Zach: The door’s locked. [Max unlocks door] [walking in] I hate to disturb you, you know that.
Max: [sarcastically] You’re only doing your job.
Zach: Exactly. I have some bad news. You’re not going to like it.
Max: Well what? What is it? Are they here?
Zach: No. [starts to cry a little]
Max: Zach, don’t tell me they robbed another bank.
Zach: [crying] They didn’t rob another bank.
Max: [relieved] Oh good.
Zach: [crying] They robbed OUR bank! [breaks down]
Max: What? [starts to cry too] Wait. Wait a minute. They’re only stealing files. They didn’t take any money, right?
Zach: [crying] No… I don’t know. [crying more] I don’t think so.
Max: Well, see? Everything’s okay. [look from 99] Sort of. [putting arm around Zach] Now, look. I want you and Max to go over there and see what the damage is, okay? [Zach nods and leaves]
99: What’re we going to do?
Max: Well, if I know KAOS, which of course I do, they’re going to hit every bank until they get us away from this one.
99: Well, you certainly can’t man every bank, Max.
Max: No…but I can certainly man every block within and around the bank.
Scene changes to the Fifth National Bank of Washington Zach and Maxine were in the manager’s office.
Manager: I’m terribly sorry about this, Mr. Smart. Your organization being new clients and all, I feel awful about this entire thing.
Maxine: Mr. Jones, this was not your fault. You didn’t just invite them in. Technically, you didn’t.
Zach: They didn’t any money right?
Jones: No, sir! I wouldn’t let them TOUCH your money, more less leave with it!
Zach: You’re a good man, Jonesie. I like you a lot.
Jones: They only took three files. [thinking] Jodi Rathbone, Peter Heine, and Chester Dial.
Maxine: Those were they only things they took? [Jones nods] Well, Mr. Jones, you’ve been a lot of help.
Jones: Again, I’m really sorry.
Zach: Mr. Jones, these evil doers will be brought to justice and when they are, you would’ve done a great service to your nation and country. [leaves]
Jones waited until both twins had left before he sat down at his desk and made a phone call.
Jones: [on phone] They bought it. [pause] My guess is they’re going back to the bank. [pause] Understood. I have a feeling they’ll stay just to look things over.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Setting: The Fourth National Bank of Washington. TS were closing up and saying goodbye to bank employees. Zach locked the door and followed everyone else into Max’s office.
Max: Okay. This case is becoming more annoying and troublesome than we originally thought.
Parker: So this whole case boils down to some sort of KAOS payback, right?
99: Something like that. We know that each of the names are tied into KAOS and into the certain government officials. How and why they tie in is still to be discovered.
Max: [sarcastically] [to Maxine] Some rookie case, huh Max?
Tracie: What I want to know is, how are we going to find out how and why? We don’t even know who’s behind this!
Max: [stops her] Let’s not start this again. Every time we get into a situation like this, it snowballs into a large mound of confusion. So ask your questions in another way.
Parker: I think…that if we find the culprits behind this, they’ll lead us to all of our answers.
Max: I like that. That was a good one.
99: I have to disagree with you on that, Austin. If we find out the answers behind all this, I tend to think that we’d be able to find the culprits.
Parker: It’s a win-win situation, I think. Either way we look at it, one has to lead to the other.
99: I agree.
Maxine: I think we’d have a better time finding who than why and how.
Max: Max, how will who tell us why and…[annoyed] see, now we’ve started all over again. Look, I agree, with Austin. No matter how we look at this, we’ll have to get to the same conclusion.
Zach: So if three guys were to walk in here and hold us up, then we’d know they were the who’s behind this?
Max: Exactly! How did you know that?
Zach: [points behind him to the three guys] Cause three guys with guns just came in here and are now holding us up.
TS turn to look at the same three guys, standing in the doorway with guns and motioning for the group to put their hands up.
Max: [putting hands up] [to Zach] Zachary, why didn’t you tell us this before they came in here?
Zach: Cause you were talking. It would’ve been rude.
Max: [to camera] At least my son will never be accused of not having manners.
The group was lead out of the office by the three men and marched over to the vault.
Max: [to men] Listen, guys. Don’t you think it’s a little late to be making a withdrawl?
Zach: Besides, we do have an ATM.
Man 2: We didn’t come in here to make a withdrawl. We actually came to put something in the vault.
Tracie: Oh yeah? What?
Man 3: You. Get in.
99: You’re joking.
Man 2: [points gun at 99] Does this look like a joke, Mrs. Smart?
Parker: There’s not enough air in there for six people!
Max: I think that’s the point, Parker. [to men] Look, the least you could do would be tell us why you’re taking these files.
Man 1: They’re an insurance policy for KAOS.
Maxine: That’s not much of an explanation. I mean, we’re about to suffocate to death. You could at least be a little more specific.
Man 2: [to Max] Open the vault and get in.
Max and Zach went over the vault and started to open it. Then, they quickly swung it open, with hopes it had caught the three men off guard. They looked at the door, then turned and saw the men on the opposite side, guns still in hands.
Zach: [to men] [sarcastically] You would stand over there, wouldn’t you?
TS was marched in the vault and the door was shut and locked. Max turned on the light and took a chair and sat down.
Zach: [sees tracking device] Hey! We’re saved!
Tracie: How?
Zach: The tracking device! I planted one on those guys. We can see where their hideout is!
Maxine: [sarcastically] That’s great! Then, when someone finds our lifeless bodies, they’ll know where the criminals are! Ensuring of course, they find our lifeless bodies this year!
Zach: [pause] I sense some strong hostility from you.
Max: Gang, let’s not talk. Talking uses up air.
Zach: Hey! I got it! All we have to do is break down the door!
99: Zachary, have you lost your mind? That door is made of at least 10 inches of reinforced steel.
Zach: Mom, I can bench press 250. You think I can’t knock down some dinky little door? You know, the Smart men aren’t just known for their brains…
Parker: Or lack of. [look from Zach]
Zach: Smart men are known for their incredible strength. [moves table to other side of room] I’ll have us out of here in no time.
Zach backs up and takes a running start toward the door. From the outside, we see the door not even move. Inside:
Max: [sarcastically] Wanna take another shot at that door, son?
Zach lay face down on the floor and seemingly in a lot of pain.
Zach: No. I’m fine. I think I’ll just rest here for a minute. Preserve my energy you know.
99: Now what’re we going to do?
Parker: [to Maxine] Max, got anything up your sleeve?
Maxine: Well, I do have a blowtorch. [everyone looks at her] In my car.
Max: [annoyed] Of all the times for you not to prepared.
Maxine: I am prepared! I’m sorry I don’t have a blowtorch around my neck!
Zach: [still on floor] What about that pen?
99: What pen?
Parker: Of course! My laser pen! [to Maxine] Max, do you still have it?
Maxine: [starts checking pockets] I think so. But Austin…[hands pen to Austin] in order for it to work, you have to have a special solution for it. It’s empty. I just use it as a pen now.
Parker: Exactly.
Parker goes over to the door and looks for the lock mechanism.
Max: Of course! Why didn’t we think of it sooner? The ink will speed up the time release and let us out.
Parker: Well, that would be the good outcome of the situation.
99: What do you mean?
Parker: Well, due to similar achievements by crooks this way, some vaults won’t speed up the time lock. They’ll make it longer.
Maxine: Great.
Parker: Lucky for us…[opens door] this is not one of those vaults.
Everyone: leaves, except Zach who checks the location of the three men. He soon comes out.
Max: Where are they?
Zach: You’d never believe it.
Tracie: Well?
Zach: The Fifth National Bank of Washington.
The scene switches to the Fifth National Bank ofWashington. In the office of Mr. Jones, he and the four men from earlier sit around in his office, drinking champagne.
Jones: So what do we do now? The Smarts are slowing dying in a vault in some other bank.
Man 4: First, we ensure that those people we pulled files on are immediately executed. Their ties to KAOS must never be known. Make sure those officials who know about this are killed as well.
Man 2: You never told us what these files mean to KAOS.
Man 4: As I said before…it’s not the files we were interested in. Just the people. Those KAOS defectors will know that no one leaves KAOS to tell secrets.
Suddenly, Zach and Max burst through the door.
Zach: Anyone wanna make a withdrawl?
Quintet: Smart!
Max: Certainly.
Man 3: How did you get out of that vault?
Zach: You underestimated the men of the Smart family. We’re not just known for our brains…
Jones: Or lack of. [look from Zach]
Max: In this case, our brains outweighed your fiendish plans.
Man 3: How did you get out of that vault?!
Zach: A pen and some ink and here we are.
Man 2: Damn! The old pen ink-to-speed-up-the-timing-mechanism trick!
Max: It does come in handy.
Zach: [to Jones] Jonesie, I trusted you. I’m very hurt by this lack of faith.
Jones: [annoyed] You’re an idiot! I tried to make these dumb bells understand it would hurt more to take the money and run, but no! They wanted revenge on the KAOS defectors and the people who put the most pressure on them!
Zach: [pause] What’re you trying to say, Jonesie? You don’t like me?
Max: Of course. Michael Jones and his gang. I should’ve recognized you.
Man 3: You were next on our plan, Smart. We thought we could kill two birds with one stone.
Zach: Well, as you can see, in this case, the pen was mighty than…the vault.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Setting: The Fourth National Bank of Washington. Max, Zach, and a couple of people from CONTROL were over to move the stuff from the vault.
Zach: So, Pop, what’s the deal with the Fifth National Bank of Washington?
Max: Well, they’ve hired a new manager and Jones and his gang are back in jail.
Zach: That’s…that’s great, Pop, but I was talking about our money.
Max: Oh. Well, after long consideration, I decide to make a deal with the CIA and have them take our account at the Fifth National Bank of Washington, while we open a new account at the Seventh National Bank of Washington.
Zach: The Seventh National Bank of Washington? No Sixth National Bank of Washington?
Max: Of course not! They don’t have free checking. [agent comes over]
Agent: We’re almost done moving, Chief. Agent 22 and Trudi have got everything else.
Max: Thanks, 45. [to Zach] Well, I guess we’re done here. Go ahead and tell Trudi and 22 we’re leaving.
While Max was talking, a bank employee had come and closed the vault door, so when Zach turned around, he saw the vault was closed.
Zach: Dad! Someone closed the vault!
Max: And?
Zach: What do you mean “and”? Trudi and 22 are still in there!
Max: Who?
Zach: Trudi and 22!
Max: Who Zach?
Zach: Trudi and…
Zach stops to think, looks at the vault, and then back at Max.
Max: Now, who did you say was in the vault?
Zach: Nobody. Nobody’s in the vault. I’m just seeing things.
Max: See? We kill two birds with one vault.
THE ENDING CREDITS OF GET SMART!!