The Smartchurian Candidate


The Smartchurian Candidate




Setting: The French-American Embassy. The royal consulate of France is strolling through the halls to his office. He passes by a number of people, who wave and say hello. The consulate reaches his office and closes the door. He’s about to open a file drawer when his phone rings. He goes and picks it up.

RC: [on phone] Hello? Oh, hello Jean. It is good to hear from you. How are things going? [pause] Good, good. Listen, Jean, I am expecting to hear from my countrymen on the treaty. May I call you back sometime? [pause] Why, yes, I would love to! Take care, Jean! [hangs up]

The RC sits down at his desk and starts to write something down, when there’s a knock on his door.

RC: Come in.

A young man about twenty-five enters, hands behind his back.

RC: Ah, Francois, come in.

Francois: You wanted to see me, sir.

RC: Yes. [points to folder on desk] See that folder? I need it to be delivered to Monsieur Jackson. You know his office? [Francois nods] Good. These are top security papers and I know I can trust you to deliver them in care.

Francois: Of course, Excellency. [picks up folder] I am at your command. [leaves]

Francois leaves the room, closing the door. He walks down the very hall that the RC had earlier and makes a left. He continues walking, never saying any greeting to those he passes. He walks, passing various offices, including that of a Mr. Phillip Jackson. He continues until he reaches his own office. He walks in, closes and locks the door, and then puts the file down on his desk. He picks up the phone and starts to dial a number.

Francois: [on phone] Directory please. [pause] Hello? It is I. Your plan worked perfectly. He just handed me the folder and let it be. [pause] Yes, I have right here. [pause] I will meet with the Connection later this afternoon. Are you sure your men will be there as well? [pause] Good. It is good to know that an organization like KAOS can be trusted.







Setting: The office of Maxwell Smart, Chief of CONTROL. Max sat at his desk, listening to his head of the lab department, Dr. Austin Parker. With him, were Zachary and Maxine Smart. Austin was starting his vacation that day.

Zach: So where’re you going?

Austin: France. My parents own a little country home down there and I haven’t been in sometime.

Max: France is a lovely place, Austin. [to Zach & Maxine] You kids remember when we took you to France?

Zach: Yeah, it was the best. Especially the girls. [dreamy look in his eyes]

Maxine: Don’t forget, dear brother, you are a married man now and about to be a father.

Zach: I haven’t forgotten. Besides, I can still dream, can’t I?

Austin: My Dad knows someone who works in the French Embassy. Old friend of ours.

Zach: [whistles] Pretty classy, Austin, me boy. Gonna hob nob with the snobs, huh?

Austin: It’s nothing like that. I admit, the majority of people my parents know are part of the filthy rich, but not at the Embassy. They’re all about trying to help those less fortunate. I can respect that. [99 walks in] [smiling] Good morning, Mrs. Smart.

99: Austin, what’re you still doing here? [walking over to Max] I thought you started your vacation today.

Austin: I do. I was just giving out some last minute details.

99: Figured out where you’re going yet.

Max: [to 99] France.

99: [in French] Oh, la France est merveilleuse cette saison.

Austin: Est-ce que vous parlez français, Mrs. Smart?

99: Couramment. Je l’ai appris avant de je suis devenu un espion vraiment.

Austin: Bien, ils disent que français sont la langue d’amants.

99: Il est vrai. Je suis sûr que vous avez fait ces plans avec un certain membre de ma familla á l’esprit.

Austin: [laughs] Bien…je doit dire, 99, il semble ajuster pour quelqu’un de votre caractère et beauté être enriched dans le classique de langue.

99: Austin, vous me flattez!

While 99 and Austin have a lengthy conversation, Max is looking back and forth between them, having no idea what is being said, but he can tell by the expressions, Austin is doing some heavy flirting.

Max: [to Austin] [annoyed] If you’re quite finished coming on to my wife, don’t you have a plane to catch?

Austin: [clearing his throat] Yes, sir. [to Maxine] Max, you were going to give me a ride?

Maxine: Right. Let’s roll. [the two leave]

Zach: Hey, Pop, do you mind if I call Tracie? I wanna make sure she’s doing alright.

Max: [still annoyed] Fine.

Zach goes to reach for the phone, but his hand is swatted away by Max.

Max: Go use your own phone! In your own office! [Zach leaves] [to 99, but not looking at her] [sarcastically] And how can I help you?

99: I wanted to know if you’d like to have lunch today.

Max: [sarcastically] You could have called.

99: [suspicious] I thought a personal touch would be nice.

99 starts to eye Max with concern. He’s shuffling papers he’s not reading and seems to be mad at her for some reason.

99: Max, is something wrong?

Max: [sarcastically] No.

99: Are you sure? [touches his shoulder]

Max moves from her touch and stands up.

Max: [angry] Don’t touch me! I’m not talking to you!

99: [hurt] What? Why?

Max: You never talk to me in French. You never do Italian crossword puzzles with me. [looking at her] Admit it, 99, just go and admit it. You like him better than me. Don’t cha? Don’t cha?

99: Like who?

Max: Austin Parker. [99 rolls her eyes] Don’t think I didn’t get that little conversation you two had. [pause] [99 looks at him] Well, technically I didn’t, but I can read between the lines! There was some flirting going on there, let me tell you! And I caught it. [looking away] Just say it, 99. You like him better than me, don’t you?

99: [chuckling] Max, that’s ridiculous. Why would you think that? If I liked Austin better, I would’ve married him, right?

Max: Oh! It’s like that, is it? First husband in the way, am I? Oh yeah. [nodding] I understand now. I see how it is.

99: Max, I don’t like Austin better.

Max: [pouting] Then why don’t you do Italian crosswords with me?

99: Sweetie, you flunked Italian, remember?

Max: Yeah well…you don’t talk to me in French.

99: That’s because you don’t know it. Besides, [putting arms around his shoulders] I thought you enjoyed German much more. Hmm? Lipshen, [nuzzling his ear] Mein lipshen…

99 is using her usage of German, Max’s favorite language, to…put him a better mood towards her.

Max: [resisting] Your femininely whiles won’t work with me.

Max is in a losing battle. He loved when 99 talked to him German and with the things she was saying now, he wasn’t going to last much longer.

Max: 99…let’s have lunch at home today.

Meanwhile, Maxine and Austin are at the airport, waiting for Austin’s plane to arrive.

Maxine: Promise me you’ll be careful in France. You never know what can happen.

Austin: Aw Max, I’ll be all right. {stands closer to her} You’re not worried about me, are you?

Maxine: {scoffs} Please. I just don’t want the lab to lose another scientist. You know we can’t cope if we lose another lab tech.

Austin: {sarcastically} I love how you love me.

Maxine: I’m serious, Austin. You know we’ve been having that problem with the International organization of KAOS in Europe. Having you go over there, by yourself by the way, is very dangerous.

Austin: Hey, I offered to have you come with me. {holds her hand} A nice little vacation…just the two of us…romantic…

Maxine: {hears PA announcement} I believe that’s your plane, Dr. Parker.

Austin: {sighs} Right.

The two head over to the attendant and Austin hands her his ticket. Before he went down the ramp, he turned back to Maxine.

Austin: I’ll call you when I arrive.

Maxine: You don’t have to.

Austin: I want to. {kisses her}

Maxine: Be careful, Austin. [he winks at her]

Maxine watches him leave, an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach, as if Austin was walking straight ahead into danger!




Setting: ParkerVille, a rather large country home in Avignon, France. We see Austin coming through the front door and looking around. There are pictures of his family, some with his sister and himself when they stayed there as children. The young doctor walks in, places his bags on the floor, goes into the living room area. He begins to load some of the wood into the fireplace, then walks around. He sighs. After a incredibly long flight, he falls back on to the plush couch. As soon as he does, his phone rings.

Austin: Austin Parker, tired man about town. How can I help you?

Maxine: I take it you had a long flight.

Austin: [smiling] I did, but I’m always in a good mood to hear your voice. Something up?

Maxine: [hesitant] No…just that you said you’d call and I figured you’d be in France by now and…

Austin: Checking up on me, huh?

Maxine: [scoffs] What? Of course not. I’m just merely making sure you arrived in France at your designated check point and time. [pause] Out of courtesy for my dad.

Austin: The very same man who is convinced I’m trying to steal your mother?

Maxine: Austin, that’s ridiculous. [pause] He thinks Zachary is trying to steal Mom, you just happen to be the guy Dad thinks is hitting on her. Big difference.

Austin: I see.

Maxine: Anyway, I wanted to know if you got in okay. No biggie.

Austin: Thanks for calling. [hears dial tone on other end]

As soon as he hangs up, the phone rings again. Austin answers yet again, thinking it’s Maxine.

Austin: Just admit that you love me. We’ll figure out how to tell your parents later, if your big mouth brother hasn’t already tipped them off.

RC: [confused] I’m…sorry?

Austin: [realizing it’s not Max] You’re not Maxine Smart, are you?

RC: I can’t say that I am.

Austin: Ah yes. Well, then could you tell me who you are?

RC: My name is Claudio Lully, I’m…

Austin: [closing eyes] The royal consulate to the French-American Embassy.

RC: Oui. And you are…?

Austin: Embarrassed beyond belief. Please forgive me, J’ai pensé que vous étiez quelqu’un d’autre.

RC: You speak French? Alors vous devez être docteur Parker.

Austin: Oui. You wanted to speak with me?

RC: Your parents have talked a great deal about you. They said you would be in France this time of year.

Austin: Yeah, I had a vacation coming, so I decided to spend some time here.

RC: I hope you will come by. [whispers] I’d like you to see that everything is in Control. [louder] It was good speaking with you, Doctor. I’m sure you’d like to rest, so if you are not busy tomorrow, perhaps you’d like to come and see what we do here.

Austin: Je suis honoré, monsieur. Until tomorrow. [hangs up]

Austin is intrigued. He understood the cryptic message by the RC, but why would he give it? The doctor figures his answers will come tomorrow.

Setting: The Embassy. It’s been a few hours since the RC’s talk with Austin. He sits in his office, on the phone with someone. A knock comes and Francois peaks his head through. Lully waves him in. He then hangs up.

RC: That was a call from the head of our police department. The French Connection has struck again. I don’t know how or when, but some of our finest officers have been influenced and are now sitting in bastiles everywhere. This needs to stop. And worse! It’s come to my attention they’ve enlisted the help of KAOS. Have you heard of them?

Francois: Aucun monsieur.

RC: They are evil, but no worries. An old friend of mine, Perry Parker, has a son. He works for the side of good.

The RC stands and goes over to a nearby cabinet Francois removes a syringe from his pocket and approaches from behind.

Francois: The side of good?

RC: Oui. From Control.

Francois inserts the syringe into the neck of the consulate. He turns in surprise before slumping to the floor.

Francois: How does it feel, mon ami? To know that your assistant has been planning your demise. [Lully struggles to speak, but can’t] Don’t bother with speaking, you’ll be doing pleanty of that tomorrow when you meet with this Dr. Parker. [Lully looks in confusion] [laughs] What? Did you think I would kill you? [laughs again] Oh no. The French Connection has something special for you and this doctuer.

Setting: The next day. After Austin has gotten himself situated in his villa, he hails a cab to the Embassy. At the door, he shows his credentials, and is let in. The person at the front desk is on the phone, but stops him before he can enter.

Woman: Votre monsieur nommé?

Austin: Austin Parker. Je suis ici pour voir Monsieur Lully.

Woman: Vous attend-il?

Austin: Oui. Parlez-vous anglais?

Woman: Oui. [laughs] I mean yes. Are you from America?

Austin: [holds up camera] Is it obvious?

Woman: [laughs] Not too much, but enough.

Austin: [holds out hand] Austin.

Woman: Melissa. [shakes hand] Are you a friend of Mr. Lully?

Austin: My father is. He mentioned that I’d be in the country.

Melissa: Well, I hope you can get to the bottom of things.

Austin: How’s that ?

Melissa: Just weird things. We’ve been having problems with this group called the French Connection. Serious mob group, I guess. Anyway, they’ve been getting a lot of upstanding citizens to join. It’s weird.

Austin: [thinking] That is weird. Any leads by the police?

Melissa: Who knows ? They’re just as corrupt.

Austin is still thinking when Lully comes from his office. He spots Austin and a strange look comes over him. He shakes his head and comes over.

RC: Can I help you?

Austin: [confusion] You told me to come by.

RC: And you are?

Austin: Parker. Austin. As in doctor. [confused look by Lully] Perry’s son.

RC: Oh, yes. Yes. I’m sorry. It’s been one of those days, I would forget my head if it wasn’t attached. [laughs] Please, please. Follow me. [gives Melissa a look] Shouldn’t you be doing something?

Melissa: [sighs] Yes sir.

Lully begins to show Austin around the Embassy, to files and the like. Throughout the tour, the young doctor can’t help, but suspect that something isn’t right with the RC, but he can’t explain his suspicions. Finally, as they head toward the main office, Austin speaks his mind.

Austin: Vous m’avez appelé dedans pour discuter la commande.

RC: Commande de ce qui?

Austin: You know what I’m talking about. [looks at him] But then again…maybe you don’t.

RC: You aren’t making any sense, Doctor. [Francois approaches] Ah, Francois! I’d like you to meet Dr. Austin Parker. Doctor, this is my assistant, Francois. [the men shake hands] I have some paper work to finish. Perhaps Francois will show you the rest of the Embassy. [the man nods]

The RC nods his goodbyes and heads into his office.

Francois: This way, Doctuer. [the two start out] So how do you know the royal consulate?

Austin: Frankly, I don’t. [look from Fran.] He’s a friend of my father’s.

Francois: Ah, I see. Are your parents in France, doctuer?

Austin: I’m on vacation.

Francois leads him to another office and begins to show Austin inside. The doctor looks at him before entering. The young man then closes the door.

Francois: I’m sorry to lead you astray, Doctor, but it was imperative I speak with you.

Austin: About?

Francois: [looks around] I have reason to believe the consulate is an imposter.

Austin: Why do you think that?

Francois: Did you not see? When he spoke with you? He seems…how do you say? Off.

Austin: I noticed that as well.

Francois: [again looks around] I hear you are a member of the secret organization of Control.

Austin: [suspiciously] And how did you hear that?

Francois: Please. I am not your enemy. I have reason to believe that the group KAOS is here in France.

Austin: I’ve heard that rumor too.

Francois: Please, doctuer. I beg for your help in the matter.

Austin: [thinking] I’ll look into it. I’ll see what I can do.

Francois: [shakes his hand] Thank you, mister doctor.

Austin: I’ll see my way out. [leaves]

Francois watches as the doctor leaves. From a hidden passageway enters another man.

Francois: Did you hear? [stranger nods] String the good doctor for a bit, then I want the French Connection to kill him.

Man: And the royal consulate?

Francois: [closing the door] The Embassy is hosting a gala this weekend. The guest list is chalk full of important people, most notably the Attorney General of the United States.

Man: The Connection wants him taken care of. The murder of the Attorney General in France will have all of the US troops out and could cause an all in out war, breaking that treaty everyone’s so interested in.

Francois: Exactly. Which is why I’ve already taken care of it. [man looks at him] Last night, I ensured the very war you speak. At the Embassy Gala, the royal consulate of France is going to single-handedly start that war, by murdering the Attorney General.




Setting: The Parker Villa. Austin stood pacing in his living, listening to someone on the other side of the phone. He paced up and down, picked up a log and placed it on the fire, before taking a seat on the couch.

Austin: I’m not over-reacting. I’m just saying something odd is going on here.

Maxine: Austin, I just think you’re…I dunno. Paranoid, I guess.

Austin: I can’t put my finger on it, but something weird is going on. And the fact that Melissa told me something was up and as did that assistant…

Maxine: Wait, wait. [pause] Who?

Austin: Francois. He’s the royal consulate assistant. He dragged me into his office and told me that KAOS is here.

Maxine: That’s all well and dandy, but I was asking who that chick was.

Austin: Melissa?

Maxine: Whatever. Who is she?

Austin: [smiling] Beautiful girl I met in the Embassy today. I mean, absolutely breathtaking. You know, I wonder if she’s single…

Maxine: [not amused] Back to your problem…

Austin: If it is indeed that. I don’t know, Max. Maybe I am seeing something that isn’t there, but I feel I gotta check out this KAOS thing. Just in case.

Maxine: Again, I say be careful. It is just you out there.

Austin: Oh, I don’t know. I have Melissa and…hello? Max? Maxine? [hangs up] How do you like that?

Austin places the phone on the end table and sits back. He closes his eyes, but something alerts him, and he opens them again. He peers around, listening closely. He doesn’t hear anything else, but he’s still suspicious. He stands up slowly, grabbing his gun from the other table, and heads into the front hall.

He doesn’t see or hear anyone, but he hears he the leaves rustle. Walking to the door, he stands on the other side of it, waiting for something to happen. At first, nothing. But suddenly, the glass window behind him shatters. Austin ducks in time and goes to shot the intruder. When he doesn’t see anyone at the window, he jumps back and sees a rock on the ground.

Austin: Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?

He goes to pick it up and sees that a note is attached to it.

Austin: [reading] You’re about to enter dangerous waters. We suggest you turn back now. TFC. [to camera] Now I’m positive something weird is going on.

Austin drops the rock and goes back into his living room. He picks up the phone and begins to dial.

Julie: Mrs. Smart’s office. This is Julie.

Austin: Hey Julie, is Mrs. Smart in?

Julie: Yes she is. May I ask who’s calling?

Austin: It’s Dr. Parker.

Julie: Hold on, I’ll transfer you. [the call goes in to 99]

99: Austin! Comment est France?

Austin: So far so good. I think. Listen 99, are you busy?

99: Not at the moment. In fact, I just came back from lunch. Why?

Austin: I need some information on the royal consulate here.

99: May I ask why?

Austin: Well…it could just be me, but there’s something weird going on. [explains what’s happened so far]

99: Wow. I’m not really sure I can help you, Austin. I don’t really know anything about him.

Austin: I just wish I had something to go on.

99: Well, how bout this? I’ll see what I can find and give you a call back. Okay?

Austin: That’s perfect. Thanks a lot, Mrs. Smart. [hangs up]

The next morning for Austin saw him out grocery shopping. He was planning on heading over to the Embassy again after lunch. He was in a nearby market when he felt someone behind him. Turning, he didn’t see anyone. But wait! By the truffles, Austin spotted a man wearing a black leather jacket, which for the time of year was very out of place. The doctor continued his shopping, periodically looking back at the man in black.

He stopped at some pineapples and placed his hands on his hips, secretly making sure his gun was secure in his waistband. He continued on, the man in black following him all the way. Suddenly, Austin took off at a run. The man in black was slightly startled, but began to give chase. The doctor was ahead of the mysterious man, but the man was fast. The two ran down sidewalks and through the crowded streets. Austin turned down an alleyway and checked behind him. He didn’t see the mystery man, but when he came out through the other side, a car was waiting for him.

They fired immediately, causing Austin to jump aside, landing hard in some trash cans. The car sped off, hoping they had taken care of the good doctor. Austin meanwhile, waited until they had left before peaking his head out. Standing, he began to wipe dirt from his clothes.

Austin: You know, times like this, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s even safe to go take a brisk jog.

Mystery Man: [from behind] In your case, Docteur, you are not safe anywhere.

Austin: My mysterious follower. I see you’ve caught up to me.

MM: Yes and I’m going to finish what my colleagues in that car began.

Austin: [sighs] Well then, I guess it be wrong of me to do this.

Austin backhanded the man, causing him to stumble back and drop his gun. Austin hit the man again and then delivered a leg sweep, taking the man off his feet and causing him to hit his head hard on the concrete below, knocking him unconscious.

Austin: I guess this just isn’t your lucky day.

Meanwhile, in Washington, Agent 99 has brought her findings to Max, Zach, and Maxine.

99: He sounded worried, but all I found was that the Attorney General is attending a gala at the Embassy tomorrow.

Maxine: I told him he was over-reacting.

Max: Maybe not, Max. The French Connection is the most deadliest fraction of KAOS. I doubt this gala is going to go off without a hitch.

Zach: Well then, if that’s the case, we need to get down there to France. We gotta save Austin!

Max: Zachary, you know I can’t spare anyone right now or else I’d send the two of you. Besides, shouldn’t the two of you be out on a case?

Maxine: We are. We came back to go to the coding department.

Max: Well get down there.

Maxine: But Daddy, what about…

Max: Look, I know you guys are concerned about Austin, and so am I, but he can take care of himself. [twins start to protest] Guys, I can’t do anything right now. If Austin calls and says he’s in trouble, then I’ll…I’ll go down there personally. Okay?

Twins: Yes Dad. [they leave]

99: Max, do you really think Austin could be in trouble down there?

Max: I don’t know, 99. I’ll admit the French Connection is bad news, as I told the twins, unless Austin calls in and says he’s in trouble, I’m going on the assumption that he’s perfectly okay.

99: Max, you do know what happens when you assume.

Max: [glaring at her] Just say it, 99, just say it. You like him better than me. [99 rolls her eyes]

Back in France, Austin has again made his entrance into the French Embassy and was again greeted by Melissa.

Melissa: [smiling] Good morning, Austin.

Austin: Melissa.

Melissa: I’m sure you’re here for Mr. Lully, but he’s been in a meeting all day. I doubt you’ll even get in to see him.

Austin: Really. Any idea as to what the meeting is for?

Melissa: It’s about the gala tomorrow, I’m sure. Last minute preps, you know.

Austin: [nods] You know, I’ll be attending that gala all by myself. I sure wish I had a beautiful escort to accompany me.

Melissa: [laughs] Are you asking me out, Doctor?

Austin: That is if you’re not busy.

Melissa: I’d be honored, Austin.

Just then, Francois walked down the hall, spotting Austin, he walked over.

Francois: Docteur Parker.

Austin: Francois. I hear the consulate is getting ready for the gala tomorrow.

Francois: Yes. Lots of work to be done. We’re expecting your Attorney General to arrive sometime tomorrow morning.

Austin: The Attorney General? I didn’t know he’d be attending.

Francois: Oh yes. He’ll be speaking on a new treaty between France and the United States. If you’ll excuse me, I still have much work to do. [leaves]

Austin: [thinking] That could explain some things.

Melissa: Austin?

Austin: Melissa, are you busy tonight?

Melissa: Not really…

Austin: Would you like to have dinner with me? I think there’re some things we should discuss.




Setting: A posh French restaurant. Would you believe…a hot dog stand outside the Embassy? How about sandwiches at the Parker Villa? Austin and Melissa sat by Austin’s fireside, sipping cocoa and eating, would you believe, Chinese.

Melissa: It always surprises people when you’re eating different food in a different country.

Austin: You’d be surprised to find where I got that.

Melissa: Where?

Austin: Ye ole little Chinese shop, which in French is Ye ole petit magasin chinois.

Melissa: [laughs] Interesting. [pause] What was it that you wanted to tell me?

Austin: [sighs] What I’m going to tell you, you can’t possibly repeat to anyone else. It’s extremely important. Do you understand?

Melissa: [shaken] Yes of course. Why? What is it? Are you like…what? A serial killer or something?

Austin: [laughs] Nothing so mundane. [look from Melissa] What I mean is…why don’t I just say it? I’m a secret operative for the organization of good, known as Control.

Melissa: You’re…you’re a spy? [Austin nods] So…you’re here on…assignment?

Austin: No. [pause] A vacation, oddly enough, but I think I may have stumbled into something here.

Melissa: [gasps] The French Connection!

Austin: Exactly. I have reason to believe that our enemies at KAOS, the bad guys, are somehow working with the Connection. And I have a feeling it’ll happen at the gala tomorrow night.

Melissa: But how can you be sure?

Austin: [sighs] I’m not. It’s just…

Melissa: Intuition? Like you’ve been working as a spy for so long and you just feel something’s up?

Austin: [looks at her] You’ve seen every James Bond movie, haven’t you?

Melissa: [smiles] At least three times. So…what exactly are we going to do?

Austin: We?

Melissa: I am your escort for tomorrow.

Austin: I suppose you’re one of those women that refuses to listen to anything we men say.

Melissa: [nods] Pretty much.

Austin: Right. Well…first, it would be best to discover that I’m not completely crazy. [picks up phone]

Melissa: You’re calling your boss?

Austin: Not exactly. [pause] His wife.

Melissa: You’re calling your boss’ wife? I don’t want to underestimate your spy knowledge, but what exactly is she going to do?

Austin: Tell me exactly what I need to know. [on phone] Hey Julie. It’s Dr. Parker again. Is…oh she is? I’ll try her cell. Thanks. [hangs up and begins dialing cell #]

Melissa: What does she know that will help us?

Austin: Not only is Agent 99 a excellent former agent, but she’s also…[on phone] Mrs. Smart? Hey, it’s Austin.

Melissa: Mrs. Smart? As in Mrs. Maxwell Smart, congresswoman out of Washington, DC?

Austin: [nods] I was wondering…Oh you did? And? [pause] Yeah, I found that out, too.

Melissa: Are you saying that her husband is your boss?

Austin: Yes I am. [on phone] Oh not you. I was talking to Melissa. [pause] Now, don’t you start. She’s just…yes, I have and nothing…you know how I feel. [pause] All right, all right. Back to the topic at hand. Yes, I was aware of that and…no, I wasn’t aware of that.

Melissa: What?

Austin: Looks like I’m on my own down here. [on phone] What’s that? Well…I’m sure you know I’m possibly being paranoid, but I really think something’s going to happen at that gala tomorrow night. [pause] Well, I’m glad you agree. [pause] Don’t you think you could talk to him? You do have a way of…persuasion. [pause] Oh. [pause] Now, I heard he thinks Zachary’s trying to steal you away. I’m only the guy who’s hitting on you, which of course I’m not. [pause] Again, I’m glad you agree. [sighs] All right. I guess there’s not much to be done then. [pause] Yes, I am. [pause] Don’t worry, 99. I’ll stop anything that might happen. [pause] [gulps] The twins are right. You aren’t very good at encouraging. [hangs up]

Melissa: So what’s the verdict, doc?

Austin: Well…we’re on our own. Which could spell trouble, especially now that the French Connection seems to know of my affiliation.

Melissa: So we’re in trouble?

Austin: [smiling] Hardly. No worries, me lady. You’re in the company of Dr. Austin Parker, Control’s top lab technician and scientist. The French Connection won’t know what hit them.

The scene. The French Embassy Shabang…er…gala thing. The caper. Bad things in France Town. With the aid of his trusty…sidekick, our young doctor finds himself wondering if he’s really on the right track. Or if he’s seeing something he shouldn’t. At the moment, Austin stood at the bar waiting for a drink. Turning, he caught of glance of Melissa, dressed in a beautiful black dress. Grabbing two glasses, he made his way over to her.

Austin: [hands her a glass] For a minute, I thought I had been ditched.

Melissa: I have never been known to just abandon a handsome man. [holds glass up]

Austin: And I, never to leave such a beautiful woman. [toasts]

Melissa: [blushes] Did you learn that in spy school?

Austin: Finishing. In England.

Melissa: Hmm, a man about the world. I could get use to that.

Austin: I could get use to the attention.

The two look around at the people who were there. There was delegates from all sorts of places, but the one they were interested in was the Attorney General.

Melissa: Do you see the Attorney General anywhere?

Austin: Not yet.

Melissa: What exactly do you think will happen tonight?

Austin: I’m not even sure. I’m still clinging to my paranoid theory. [looks at Melissa] But if anything, I certainly wouldn’t trade this night with you for anything.

Just then, the Attorney General made his way into the gala. He stood at the front hall, waving to people and shaking hands with those who greeted him. As he did, the royal consulate Claudio Lully began coming towards him, a far off look in his eyes.

Melissa: Well, if something was going to happen, it would be right. now.

Austin nodded, though his eyes were scanning the crowd. He noticed the consulate moving extremely fast towards the AG. It suddenly came to the young doctor. That was the caper, that was the coupe de gras. Assassinate the Attorney General. It all seemed to move in slow motion, until he saw the glint of a hand gun.

Austin: Gun!

He rushed towards the crowd, pushing people left and right. By the time he reached the consulate, the gun was raised and aimed. The two went down to the ground, screams of confusion and shock echoing in their ears. Austin hit the consulate, knocking him out and kicked the gun to the side. From the back, he could clearly see Francois looking very angry.

He also saw a few of his goons coming his way. Austin tried looking for Melissa, but he couldn’t see her in the melee. Unfortunately, he was sure the evil mod squad won’t stop their descent because he couldn’t find his date. So, he ran and hoped Melissa was all right and promised himself he’d find her.




Setting: The French Embassy. There was still talk and slight hysteria about the attempt on the US Attorney General. But the action was taking place as Austin was now running for his life. Taking twists and turns down the hallways, Austin found himself…well, he wasn’t quite sure where he found himself. He just knew the French Connection was following him and he needed to get out of there. Correction.

He needed to find Melissa and then get out of there. But where was she? Gun at the ready, Austin crept around corners and peaked into doorways, but couldn’t find her. Back tracking, he kept his eyes front while he backed up. He was caught off guard though when someone backed in to him. Spinning around and pointing his gun, he was surprised to see…

Austin: Melissa!

Melissa: Austin! [hugging him] I was so worried!

Austin: So was I. Quick! [opens door] Let’s get in here and hide. I’m afraid The French Connection is looking for me.

Melissa: They’re looking for us, especially after that jab I gave one of them when they tried to grab me.

Austin: Are you all right?

Melissa: [touches his cheek] I’m fine.

Austin: [pauses] We need to find a way out of here, then we need to contact Control.

Melissa: What about those gadgets you got?

Austin: Well, I know I lost two vital things in that scuffle.

Melissa: Dare I ask what?

Austin: First and foremost, our big ticket out of here is gone. [look from Melissa] I had our patented laser pen that would’ve gotten us out through the back.

Melissa: And the second thing?

Austin: My cell phone. [shakes head] The Chief is not going to be happy about that. That’s the fourth cell phone I’ve gone through this month. Maybe I should look into getting a shoe phone.

Melissa: So now what?

Austin: No worries. I told you. You’re in good hands. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise.

Austin put his ear to the door, trying to hear any footsteps. Meanwhile, Francois and the French Connection had split up in order to find the two. Francois stood in a nearby passageway, awaiting word.

Francois: [to approaching man] Well?

Man: We’re looking all over the building, so far we haven’t found anything.

Francois: Then search harder. I want that doctor killed.

Man: I just got word back on his file. That’s the Dr. Parker, the head lab tech for Control.

Francois: [annoyed] I know who he is.

Man: I’m just saying KAOS has been trying to get their hands on him for a while and…

Francois: [grabbing man by shirt] I don’t care what KAOS wants! From what I’ve heard you are more concerned about killing off the Smarts and their obnoxious children. Concern yourselves with that. I want that docteur eliminated! [lets go]

Man: And the girl?

Francois: Do with her what you like, but I want Dr. Parker.

Back in the back office, Austin was still thinking on how they would escape without being seen, while Melissa had other things on her mind.

Austin: [to self] There’s gotta be a way out of here.

Melissa: What’s her name?

Austin: [looks at Melissa] I’m sorry?

Melissa: You said earlier that you could use some attention. I’m guessing there’s a girl you’re not getting it from. [pause from Austin] If I’m out of line…

Austin: No. No…I mean…[sighs] Her name’s Maxine.

Melissa: Someone from work?

Austin: Yeah. Sort of a…um…she’s the boss’ daughter.

Melissa: Ah. Do you love her?

Austin: Very much, yes.

Melissa: And does she love you?

Austin: [pause] I’d like to think so.

Melissa: [touches his cheek] Well, if she doesn’t know what she’s missing…I certainly wish I had what she did. [they kiss]

Austin: If I wasn’t…if I didn’t…

Melissa: [stops him] Find us a way out of here. And get back to your lady love. [Austin winks at her]

Opening the door slightly, Austin peaked outside and looked around. Not seeing anyone, the young doctor motioned for Melissa to follow him and the two began to leave the room. Things seemed to be going well. They had escaped their office prison and were now walking slowly toward the front lobby. As they entered the lobby via the hallway, Austin shook his head.

Melissa: What’s wrong?

Austin: This is way too easy. This shouldn’t been this easy.

Francois: And it’s not, Monsieur Docteur.

Austin and Melissa turn and find Francois and some of his French Connection henchmen behind them.

Francois: Thought you could get away?

Austin: [sarcastically] Well yes, that had been the plan.

Francois: We do things differently here in France, Monsieur Parker.

Austin: Doctor, Doctor Parker. I didn’t spend six years in medical school to be known as Mister Parker, thank you.

Francois: Whatever. Prepare to die, Docteur.

The henchmen begin to advance on Austin, who pushed Melissa protectively behind him.

Melissa: Austin…

Austin: Stay behind me and whatever you do, don’t get involved in this.

Melissa: I’m already involved in this.

Francois: How sweet. It’ll be nice to watch you die together.

Austin: Not without putting up a fight first.

Austin hit the man to his right, but soon the men were all around him and he was quickly becoming out numbered. Melissa tried to fend off some, but she was quickly captured. As soon as it looked as though our two heroes were down for the count, a number of men rush in with guns.

Man #1: Hold it right there! [to men] Get those men! Arrest them! [walks over to Austin] Docteur Parker, are you all right?

Austin: Nothing a bag of ice and some aspirin won’t take care of. Who are you and how do you know my name?

Man: [holds up badge] I am Chief Jean Richie, head of the French bureau, International Control. [shakes his hand] Your chief in America called and said you might be in some trouble with the French Connection. We heard about the gala and figured the Connection might be here.

Austin: Exactly. Francois over there got himself a nice job here, so he could plan a takeover. I’m not sure how, but he managed to get the royal consulate to believe he needed to kill the Attorney General. You’ll find the consulate hopefully laying on a couch somewhere, out of his stupor.

Richie: I’ll go take care of it. [nods to Melissa] Mademoiselle. [leaves]

Melissa: Do your dates always end like this?

Austin: Never let it be known that I’ve ever given a bad date. Or at least one where there isn’t any excitement at the end.

Melissa: [takes his arm and leads him off] I’m officially jealous.




Setting: The headquarters of Control. Austin had just walked in to the outer office when he was greeted by Mrs. Maxwell Smart.

99: [hugs him] Austin! I’m so glad you’re all right.

Austin: Believe me, so am I.

99: [sees something] Did you meet Maxine on the way up?

Austin: [confused] No.

99: Did she pick you up from the airport?

Austin: No…I haven’t seen her all day. Why?

99: Because you have lipstick on your cheek.

Austin: Do I? [wipes face] This must’ve been when Melissa… [look from 99] It’s not what you think.

99: Then what is it?

Austin: [pause] I can explain, but it’s not what you think.

Maxine: Then what is it, Austin?

Austin: [turns to see Maxine behind him] Max! I’m so happy to see you.

Maxine: [sarcastically] I’m so sure. [walks past him]

Austin: Maxine, wait a minute. [follows her] Max, it was a little goodbye kiss. [look from Maxine] It means nothing! Maxine, she means nothing!