He Said, She Said

 

It was early afternoon in Washington, DC, as the head of the secret organization for good known as Control, walked into his office and took a seat behind his desk. The day was going so well for the Chief.

His two best agents were no where in the building, which made his day incredibly bright. Any time he had to spend a meeting or even half a day with those two…especially Maxwell Smart…thinking of the bumbling agent started a small migraine to start forming in his balding head.

The elderly gentlemen leaned back and smiled. His days were always better when it was peaceful and quiet in his office. And that always meant no agents 86 and 99. This day couldn’t get any better, he thought.

Suddenly, muffled sounds started drifting to his ears. It was an argument, from the sound of it. The Chief immediately knew the voices coming from the argument and they were coming closer and closer to his office door.

He looked around desperately, trying to find somewhere to hide, but knew in his tiny office and with the two people coming, he knew one of them would find him.

Then, they entered.

“I can’t believe you would say something like that, Max!”

“Well, it’s true, 99. And while we’re at it…”

“While we’re at it?” asked the young woman, incredulously. “Excuse me, Max, but I think you seem to have the wrong impression of me.”

“Stop it, stop it, stop it!” The Chief exclaimed, rubbing his forehead. “I’m afraid to even ask you why the two of you are fighting, but in the interest of time, I’ll ask anyway.”

“Chief, this woman~” Max replied, pointing at his partner and wife. “Has the sad aud…addie…the…nerve to acuse me of lying!”

“Audascity, Maxwell.” Agent 99 said, her arms folded.

“Whatever.” Max said, his arms also folding across his chest.

“Are you two going to answer me?” The Chief asked, sighing and shaking his head. Things were going so well, too. “What happened? And how did the Daniels case go?”

All at once, the spy couple started telling their version of events, causing a barrage of sound to attack the poor man’s ears. He was actually close to tears, wishing he could’ve found that hiding place after all.

“Please stop yelling.” he sighed, his eyes closed. “One at a time. 99, what happened?”

“Well, Chief…” she started, only to be interrupted by her husband.

“Why does she always get to go first?” Max whined, huffing and on the verge of having a tempertantrum.

“Because it’s ladies first, Max.” 99 said, grinning wickedly.

“Says who?”

“Says me and the Chief!” she said, hands on her hips.

“Guys!” The Chief cried. “99? The story? Please?”

“Right.” she said. “It all started this morning…”

Agent 99 awoke in the beautiful morning. Her big blue eyes opened to see the bright sun shining outside and the world once again at slumber peace. Sitting up, her long brown swaying about her shoulders…

“That’s not the way you wake up in the morning.” Max sneered.

“I’m trying to tell a story here.”

“How about telling the right story.”

“Max!”

“Guys!”

Turning to her right, she saw the sleeping face of her wonderful husband…

“Who’s not being so wonderful right now, I might add.”

“99,” The Chief scolded. “You’re getting off topic.”

“Sorry.” she said. “Anyways, I got up and started breakfast. That’s when you phoned…”

“99,” The Chief replied, from the other side of the connection. “I hope I haven’t awakened you. I know how you need your beauty sleep.”

“Oh, that’s quiet all right, Chief.” the young agent replied. “I was up anyways. Something wrong?”

“Incredibly wrong.” her boss stressed. “The evil organization of KAOS is at it again and of course, I need your sharp mind, incredible brain, and overall sense of duty.”

“99, I never said that.” Their boss replied.

“I’m generalizing, Sir.”

“And bring Max along too.” he finished.

“Of course, Chief.” she said, happily. “I couldn’t do a mission completely without my darling Max.”

“Right.” he said, rolling his eyes. Newlyweds. Go figure. “Anyways, Mark Daniels has been kidnapped by the vile evil doers.”

“Mark Daniels?” 99 asked. “The world wide scientist has been kidnapped by KAOS?”

“Yes.”

“How awful!” 99 cried. “He has to be the greatest scientific mind this century has to offer! Without him, we could be in serious trouble.”

“I know.” the Chief replied. “And I know you can easily wrap up this case and get him back. Along with Max.” he said later.

“Of course, Chief.” 99 said with gusto. “This case will be easily solved with the help of Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart.”

“Right.” the Chief sighed.

“So of course, like the dedicated agent I am,” 99 said. “I was eager to get started. But of course, I had to wait for Max to get out of bed.”

“In case you had forgotten, 99, we happened to have had a very long, and I do mean very long, night!” Max said.

“It wasn’t that long, Max.” 99 replied, under her breath.

“I heard that, darling wife.” he hissed.

“99, please continue.” the Chief pressed.

“Right.” she began. “As I was saying, Max didn’t get up until a quarter til ten…”

Maxwell Smart opened his bedroom and walked out. “99!” he yelled, scratching his stomach. “I’m awake!!”

“Good morning, Love.” 99 said, coming into the living room. “I made your usual breakfast treat.”

“Good.” he said, sauntering down the stairs. “I’ve certainly worked up an appetite.” He winked at her seductively.

“Oh Max.” she sighed, shaking her head.

“So after Max finally got up,” she continued. “We got dressed and headed down to a known KAOS headquarters, The Tiki Room…”

The Smarts headed out to the Tiki Room, a large Hawaiian scenery making up the exterior. Large Tiki statues stood on either side of the small hut resturant.

“Oooooh!” Max exclaimed, his eyes bugging as soon as they pulled into the parking lot. “Pretty.”

“Oh Max.” she said, glancing over at him. “You’re so precious. I bet our son will act just like you one day.”

“Uh huh.” he said, his eyes still glued to upcoming building.

“I wasn’t that impressed with the building.” Max sulked.

“So we enter the establishment,” 99 continued, purposefully ignoring her significant other. “Of course, when we entered, who did we find…”

“Siegfried!” the two chorused.

“Yah, it is me.” replied the evil doer. “And with me is…”

“Mark Daniels.” she said.

“Mark Daniels!” they exclaimed, watching as Siegfried pulled a handsome young man over to him. He was fairly young, probably in his twenties, with big hazel eyes that locked on to 99’s eyes. They pleaded with her to help and hers responded with a sympathetic…

“Yeah, well we can skip that part.” Max said, not wanting to relive that moment. “Not important.”

“It is to important!” she cried.

“Please!” the Chief exclaimed. “Max, don’t interrupt. 99, get on with this story.”

“Yes sir.” they both said.

“Siegfried, release him.” 99 said, trying to advance.

“Wait, 99.” Max said, stopping her mid-stride. “This could be dangerous.” he whispered.

Letting go of her and stepping behind her, he said, “You go first.”

“I didn’t do that!” Max exclaimed. “Chief, make her say she’s sorry!”

“Shut up, Max.”

“I vill not let him go.” Siegfried said, holding on to the boy. “And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

“Please Siegfried.” 99 pleaded. “You have to let him go. He’s our future, the very best we can hope for the next generation. Why, with his brains and know how, he could have the cure to cancer, the way to end hunger across the world…Think of it, Conrad. You could be holding the very impact of our world in your manly grip. You must let him go. You must let him dream the impossible dream. To live the impossible life!”

Siegfried wiped a tear from his eyes. “That was beautiful.” he said, sniffing. He released the young man, who ran to 99 for comfort.

“Thank you, you tall, gorgeous vision of humanity…”

“Oh brother.” Max muttered.

“Thank you for saving me from the evil clutches of KAOS.” Mark replied, hugging her. “How can I poissibly…”

“Blah, blah, save the day, yadda yadda.” Max interrupted. “My turn! My turn!”

“Fine, Max!” The Chief exclaimed, exasperated. “Tell your side of the story.”

“Thank you, sir.” he said, puffing out his chest. “Now, I’ll tell you what really happened…”

Maxwell Smart awoke bright and early that morning, stretching and yawning slightly. He got out of bed and did his morning excerises. Walking out of his bedroom door, he started singing a happy tune.

“I think I’ll go for a walk outside, yeah! The sun is still calling my name. Can you hear me now? 99? Darling?” he called, very chiper. “The hills are alive!” he sang. “With the sound of Maxie! Where are you my sweet love?”

His wife, Agent 99, walked out the kitchen, looking tired. “Yo.” she said, coming into the living room.

“I did not say that!” she cried. “I have never said that in my life! What do you think I am? A construction worker? And you certainly don’t come from the bedroom singing!”

“Do you mind?” He said. “I’m trying to tell a story here.”

“More like making up a story, you mean.” she retorted.

“Hello my darling.” he said, bounding down the stairs and taking her in his arms. “How are you this morning?”

“Tired.” she said, letting out a belch.

“Now that is just wrong!” she cried. “Chief, make him tell the truth!”

“I’m going to get up and walk out of here if you two don’t settle down!” their boss roared.

“Ah, my love, let me look at you.” Max said, bending her backwards in a dip. “Your skin, your hair…darling, you have no idea what last night meant.”

99 yawned, saying, “Yeah, me too. I got ya breakfast.”

Max kissed her cheek and headed that way.

“So I walk into the kitchen and what do I find?” Max said.

The Chief sighed. “What?” he asked.

“Cereal.” he said.

“That is not true, Maxwell Smart, and you know it!” 99 exclaimed. “I made you your usual lumberjack breakfast!”

“Lumberjack breakfast, Max?” The Chief asked, with a knowing look.

“Cause I’m a lumberjack of a man, Chief.” Max said, smiling. He started beating his chest like Tarzan, only to stop and start coughing. “I’m okay.” he said. “I’m fine. Anyway, the only truth in my lovely wife’s tale was the fact that she indeed received that phone call. So we head out to the secret KAOS headquarters, the Tiki Room…”

“Look at it, 99.” Max said, as they sat in the car glaring at the restuarant. “The very basis of evil hiding out in a fun looking place like that. Sad. Sickening even. How KAOS manages to get these places, I don’t know. But I tell you one thing, if it’s one thing I do in this world, it’s taking KAOS out of business.”

“Wow.” she said, making coo eyes at him. “That was sexy.”

“I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer.” 99 mumbled.

The two left the car and stopped in front of the entrance. Max stopped her. “Wait, 99.” he said, holding her arms. “We should check for any alarms before we go in here.”

“Why?” she whined. “Ugh! I’ve been on my feet for like fifty hours, making you lumberjack breakfast, and making love faces at you and now this! What do you want from me? I didn’t even have breakfast, all I had was a bagel and cream cheese and it wasn’t even real cream cheese, it was like processed cheese that doesn’t even come from a store or even a cow!”

“Please, 99!” Max replied, gripping her shoulders. “Get a hold of yourself!”

“Fine!” she huffed, turning away from him. “I do it for you, Max! Everything I do is for you!”

“Oh, of all the ridiculous…” 99 began, her anger vented towards Max. “I never said that, Sir.”

“99, please.” The Chief said, holding the bridge of his nose.

“Anyways, Chief,” Max continued, making sure he was at least a foot away from 99. “We walk inside and as she said, we see Siegfried holding the Daniels kid…”

Siegfried pulled a young man closer to him. He was scruffy, with dirty blond hair and bucked teeth…

“Oh Max, he did not have bucked teeth!”

“Yes, he did!” Max cried. “He looked like a beaver!”

While Beaver Boy was being held captive, Max stood protectively in front of 99. “Let me handle this, sweetheart.” he said, glaring at his archenemy. “Listen to me, Siegfried. This is not the way to go. The way to go is truth, love, beauty, and peace. Let my words ring true in your ear, evil doer!”

“Here, Max.” 99 said, moving in front of him. “Let me handle this. Okay Siggie. I got what you want.”

With that, the music started up in the background. “Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows in the sun and sunny weather…”

“What is wrong with you!?” 99 exclaimed, looking at her husband. “Where are you getting this from? This is not Control, the musical!”

“Miss 99, your soft music has soothed my evil heart.” Siegfried said, releasing his prisoner, who ran towards 99.

“That was awfully purdy, Miss.” Daniels said.

“Why thank you, kind sir.” 99 said, looking deep into his eyes.

“Oh for the love of…” 99 turned away. “I can’t believe you sometimes, Max.”

“You and me both.” Max said, then realizing what he just said, he replied, “Uh…ignore that last part.”

“I think the two of you are both big liars.” The Chief said, shaking his head. His best agents turned to him, stunned at his words. “I interrogated Mark Daniels before I came in here and he told us the whole story and how the two of you basically argued while he fought his way out and escaped. Now, will you explain to me why you had to make this whole blasted and might I add, retarded, story up?”

“Because we can, can, can!” Max exclaimed.

The Chief and 99 just looked at him.

“Um…can’t we?”

“I’m leaving.” The Chief replied, grabbing his jacket and heading for the door. “Hopefully, I’ll find a tall building to jump from.”

With that, the couple was left alone.

“Wonder what’s wrong with him?” Max asked.

“I’m not talking to you.” she said, turning away from him. “Not after what you said about me.”

“Aw baby,” he said, coming up behind her. “I’m sorry. I guess I kinda got things a little…mixed. But that doesn’t excuse what you said about me!” His face turned to a pout. “That just hurt.”

99 turned to look at him and her mood softened at his expression. She put her arms around his shoulders.

“I’m sorry, Max.” she said. “I guess we both wanted to come out of this story looking good, but instead we just made big fools of ourselves. In truth, if we hadn’t been arguing, we would’ve been able to save Daniels. Now, the Chief’s mad at us.”

Max looked up and smile. “Yeah.” he said. “What a couple of spies we make, huh?” They laughed. “You still love me?” he asked

“Oh Max,” she purred. “Of course I love you. I always have and always will.”

They came together in a kiss. “You know,” he whispered, breaking the kiss. “I did have fun last night…”

“Oh Max.”

“Is this where we break into a catchy love song?” he asked.

“No Max.”

“Catchy dance number?”

“No.”

“How bout..?”

“No.”