The St Valentine’s Day Spy Massacre


The St. Valentine’s Day Spy Massacre

Setting: A small room. Inside, a man sat with a bow and arrow in his hands. Two other men stood by a door.

Man 1: Tell me again what this guy does.

Man 2: It’s brilliant, RB! Just brilliant! The new thing in KAOS assassins and today is a perfect day to showcase him. See, he does something none of your other assassins do…kill with deadly accuracy. On the tips of those arrows is a deadly poison that kills instantly, when shot in the appropriate places. I call him… The Cupid.

Man 1: The Cupid? [highly annoyed] Thank you, Mr. Thomas, but we here at KAOS aren’t looking for a love toy.

Thomas: He’s much more than a simple “love toy”, RB. [to man on chair] Show him your stuff.

The Cupid stood and looked at the window. He saw an agent walking by and pointed to him.

Cupid: That guy important to you?

RB: He’s just a courier.

The Cupid picked up his bow and arrow and aimed for the man. He drew his bow and the arrow went flying and sailed directly in the agent’s chest. He clutched the arrow for about a minute, before falling down on the ground, dead.

Cupid: [to RB} Looks like you’re gonna need another courier.

Thomas: Well, RB?

RB: Not bad. How much…?

Thomas: A mere million…depending on who we’re killing.

RB: I have a little group in mind. I’ll pay you a million and more if you can pull this off.

Thomas: So it’s a deal?

RB: It’s a deal. [the men shake hands]

Meanwhile, in the Blue Skies Apartment complex, inside apartment 62, Agent 66 was getting ready for work, when there was a knock on the door.

66: I’ll get it!

66 opened the door to see Zachary Smart, Agent 78 on the other side. The two were partners, slightly. The never mentioned, but always hinted at, Atlantic City fiasco had almost completely destroyed their partnership and friendship. But it wasn’t too much of a surprise to see Zach; his sister was her roommate.

66: Hello, Zachary. Maxine’s upstairs. She’ll be down in a minute.

Zach: That’s great…if I came over here to see her.

66: I see. So, how may I help you?

Zach: Well, I have some things for you.

66: Really.

Zach: Uh huh. [hands her a long stem rose] This is for you. And…[handing her a box of candy] these are for you. Oh and…[pulling out card and handing it to her] This is for you.

66: Well, thank you, Zach. I’m not sure I know why I’m getting all of this stuff.

Zach: Because, first and foremost, I’m a jerk. Secondly, because it’s Valentine’s day and I didn’t want to be left out of the circle of men who will certainly be hitting on you today.

66: [blushing] Well…is there anything else you have to give me?

Zach: No, that’s it…actually you know, there is something else I should give you.

66: What’s that?

Zach: [taking her face in his hand] This.

Zach leaned over and kissed her. After a while, they broke apart.

Zach: That was definitely for you. See you at work. [leaves]

66: [closing door] I certainly hope so.




Setting: CONTROL headquarters. Zach walked in, very chipper and holding a bouquet of
roses. He was down to about five when he got to the lobby of his father’s office. He handed a rose to Trudi, the office secretary and headed in to the Chief’s office.

Inside, Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart were engaged in a kiss. Zach cleared his throat and the two separated.

Zach: Public display of affection.

Max: You know, she was my wife before she was ever your mother.

Zach: [walking over] And I thank you for finding such a wonderful girl. [putting arm around 99] But she’s my mother now.

99: [looking between them] Boys, boys. Can’t we settle this with pistols?

Zach: [handing 99 a rose] This is for you.

99: Oh Zachary, how sweet. [kisses him on cheek] [shows him box of cookies] Want a cookie?

Max: [hurt] Hey! I thought those were my cookies.

99: You have your very own box at home. I made sure when I made these, you had your own. [Zach sticks his tongue out at Max]

Max: You’re certainly chipper this morning, Zachary.

Zach: [eating cookie] Yes, sir. What better day, than today, to show my love and appreciation for the women in my life. [Maxine Smart walks in] Ah, look who enters. It is the sun and Maxine in the east. [handing her a rose]

Maxine: Alright, who are you and what have you done with my brother?

Zach: Sweet and darling baby sister Maxine, can’t a brother show his love for his
favorite sister on the day when love is the secret word?

Maxine: Well…this is a surprising display of affection, Zach. I’m touched. Alarmed, but touched. [seeing can of cookies] Hey, cookies. [grabs one]

Max: [annoyed] Did you come in for something Maxine?

Maxine: Yes, I did. I wanted to know if you had heard about the KAOS assassin.

Max: No, I didn’t hear that. How’d you hear that?

Maxine: [taking another cookie] I have my ways.

Zach: Bribed someone down in research, did we?

Maxine: [smirking] Welcome back, darling. [patting Zach on the cheek] The point is, KAOS has a new assassin. I have an agent or two checking out the exact name or names of the people involved.

Zach: That’s why I love you, sis. You’re so thorough. Cookie? [Maxine takes a cookie, to the disdain of Max] The only real question is to wonder when our little friend or friends will strike.

Just then, 66 walked in with an urgent message.

66: Chief, you’re never going to believe what just happened.

Zach: Ah, the angels have brought down one of their own. [handing her a rose]

66: [blushing] Another one?

Maxine & 99: Another one?

Max: [hurt] Gee, Zach, you don’t even give your own father a rose?

Zach: [hands him a cookie] Cookie?

99: Tracie, what’s so urgent that we’re not going to believe?

66: You know that new KAOS assassin? He just struck. [hands Max memo] Donaldson and Levitz. Dead. Both shot with arrows.

Zach: Peter Donaldson was seeing Jo Levitz?

Maxine: You didn’t know that?

Zach: No! Joey Levitz is one of the hottest female agents in CONTROL. [takes out piece of paper]

Max: Yeah. [looking over memo] except for one thing.

Zach: What’s that?

Max: Joey Levitz is a man.

Zach: [stunned] Really. [rips up paper]

99: What kind of assassin kills his victims with an arrow?

Max: A ruthless one. [looks up] Hey kids, how’d you like to do me a favor?

Zach: You want us to go and take a look at that arrow. [Max nods]

Maxine: And find out if that’s what really killed them. [Max nods]

66: And then find out more about this guy. [Max nods]

Max: Then if you knew that, why are you just standing around for? Go on. Get busy on
this case.

The scene changes to show Zach and 66 at the home of Peter Donaldson. The door was locked, so the two decided to pick the lock.

Zach: Tracie, I think we should talk about this.

66: [picking lock] What is there to talk about? We jimmy the lock and we’re in. There’s really no hidden secrets about this.

Zach: [rolls eyes] Not that. I’m talking about this. Us. This morning and what happened a few months ago.

66: Zachary, now is not the time to talk about that. In fact, I’d rather not discuss it. [opens door]

Zach: [stunned] I can’t believe it.

66: [looks at door] Yes. It’s amazing how they make these things, you know. You get some wood, sand it down…

Zach: [annoyed] I’m not talking about that! Look, we’ve…not been the greatest of partners to each other. I kinda think we should sit down and talk about this.

The two enter the house, which didn’t look disturbed, and everything seemed to be in its place.

Zach: [looking around] You look around down here. I’ll check upstairs.

The two split up and Zach found himself on the second floor. All the doors were closed and looking in each room, nothing had been disturbed. Zach took a look in the bedroom and found everything perfectly fine. He went back downstairs and met with 66.

66: I can’t find a thing.

Zach: Me either. I don’t get it, Trace. Usually there’s one clue, that ONE clue that
tells us what’s going on and stuff like that.

66: Well, at least we have an edge. We know who’s doing it and how.

Zach: Well, that’s certainly a switch. I don’t know. I’d much rather have a why than a who and a how.

66: Why?

Zach: Exactly.

66: No, I mean why would you rather have a why than a who or a how? I personally like it this way. We know who’s responsible. All we have to do is go get them.

Zach: My darling Agent 66, just because we know who and how, doesn’t mean it’s going to help us find why. Don’t forget, we also need a when.

66: How is when going to help us? And technically, we already know why; it’s safe to assume that this guy is a KAOS agent, so of course he’d be killing off Control agents.

Zach: That’s just it. We don’t know that this is a KAOS agent. What if this is some defector or a double agent, huh? You didn’t think of that, did you?

66: Well, Zach. This looks like something else we don’t agree on. I say we work with what we have.

Zach: [annoyed] For your information, Tracie, we agree on a lot of things. Just because at one moment in time we disagree on something, doesn’t mean we always don’t see eye to eye.

66: Zach, once again, you’re bringing the theatrical to a whole new low. Now, come on…

Zach: What does that mean?

66: What does what mean? Now you’re just being weird. More than usual.

Zach: [angry] So you think I’m crazy, huh?

66: [annoyed] I did not say that.

Zach: No, but you were implying it. You’re implying that I’m crazy.

66: No, I am not! See, there you go again, assuming things that aren’t true!

Zach: [shocked] What? When have I ever thought things that weren’t true? [66 gives him a look] Look, we’re short on time, so…

Just then, the two hear something.

66: What was that?

Zach: [pulls out gun] I don’t know. Sounded like it came from the kitchen.

The two went towards the kitchen. 66 opened the door, with Zach behind her. They didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

66: It must’ve been out imaginations. There’s nothing here.

Zach took one last look and thought he saw something from this little statue of an angel with a bow in his hand. And the arrow was pointed straight at 66!




Setting: The home of the now deceased Peter Donaldson. Agent 66 and 78 were standing in the kitchen after hearing a noise and were about to be show by an angel with a bow and arrow.

Zach: Tracie, look out! [pushing her out of the way]

The came shooting out and hit the wall where 66 had been.

66: Thanks Zach.

Zach: No prob. [letting her go] [goes to the other side of arrow]

66: Look, Zach. I’m really sorry for what I said earlier…

Zach: It was my fault. Really. Listen, we really need to sit down and talk, but you were right; this is probably not the opportune time or place to discuss anything. Right now, we need to find out who’s trying to kill us.

66: How do we proceed?

Zach: [pulling arrow from wall] By taking this down to the lab.

Zach and 66 made one last trip through the house to find anything, with no results. So they headed back to CONTROL and quickly found Parker in the lab.

Zach: Parker, I have something for you.

Parker: Let me guess. You one, have a rose for me, seeing as you’ve giving them out to
everyone, BUT me, or two, you have something from the Cupid case.

Zach: The Cupid case? What case is that?

Parker: Fine. Change the subject. The Cupid case is the one you’re working on, compliments of your sister.

66: So she found out who’s behind this?

Parker: Well, she found out KAOS has hired this guy calling himself, The Cupid.

Zach: [throwing a look to 66] You get a gold star. [to Parker] The Cupid? What a stupid name. The stupid Cupid. That’s what he should be called.

Parker: It may be a dumb name, Smart, but the man has already killed five people, four
of our agents, no less.

66: Two more!? [Parker hands her a memo] Agents 14 and 7.

Zach: [to 66] You get two gold stars. [shaking head] What is this guy trying to do?

Parker: The best bet would be for you guys to find out why he’s doing this.

66: [to Zach] Gold star to you. [to Parker] Austin, where were 14 and 7 found?

Parker: 14 was found in front of his apartment building, while Agent 7 was in a car accident.

Zach: A car accident? That doesn’t tie in to this at all.

Parker: It does when you’ve got a 5-inch arrow sticking from your chest.

Zach: Well, that’s different. Look, Austin, 66 and I will go and check this out.

Parker: No need, man. I took the liberty to have Agents 41 and 39 check it out. They
should be back in a minute. [phone rings] Lab, Parker speaking. [pause] What? Are you sure? [pause] Well, I guess that’s all you can do. Thanks 22. [hangs up]

Zach: Let me guess. Agents 41 and 39 are dead, killed by the Cupid.

Parker: Good guess.

66: Great. Now what?

Zach: [snapping his fingers] That’s it!

Parker: Groovy. What’s it?

Zach: We’ll set a trap for him. Lure him into it and the Cupid will be yesterday’s news. [Parker and 66 look at each other]

The scene changes to an apartment room where Mr. Thomas and the Cupid were talking business.

Thomas: KAOS is paying us a lot of money, Doyle. The last thing we need is a screw up.

Cupid: Don’t worry about it. I’ve already killed six of CONTROL’ s agents. It’s just a matter of time before I get to Team Smart. [phone rings]

Thomas: [answering] Hello. [pause] Hello, RB. What’s the skinny? [pause] Really? That’s great! We were just sitting here saying the Smarts were the next to go. [pause] Yeah. Okay then. Bye. [hangs up] [to Cupid] That was RB. He says that little upstart Zachary Smart has a plan to trap you.

Cupid: Not possible.

Thomas: I admit Smart is under the intelligence meter…

Cupid: I meant about trapping me.

Thomas: Oh, of course! That’s what I thought you meant. Anyway, how’re you going to

Cupid: [cleaning crossbow] You tell me about this plan. I go over, lie in wait, and kill Zachary Smart. [holds up arrow] This is the arrow with his name on it.




Setting: The Blue Skies apartments. In apartment 78, the Smarts and Agent 66 stood at Zach’s dinning table.

Max: Zach, I’m not doubting your plan, but there’s something about it I don’t like.

Zach: Dad, nothing is going to happen to you. Look, let’s go over this again, okay? I’ve sent word to KAOS and thus to the Cupid, that you are having dinner here tonight.

Max: That part’s okay.

Zach: You’re going to sit here, have a lovely dinner, for free, and have a good time.

Max: That part’s alright.

Zach: Then…the Cupid is going to creep in here and shoot you with an arrow.

Max: See, that’s the part. That’s the part where it goes all terribly wrong.

Zach: Pop, trust me! He’s not really going to shoot you. We’re going to be in the
kitchen watching and waiting and we’ll catch him.

99: What if he doesn’t come through window?

Zach: Eh?

99: What if he doesn’t come through the window? We proved Agents 14 and 39 weren’t shot directly. The shot was taken away from them, like in another building. [Max looks at Zach]

Zach: [pause] Oh that. No prob. I’ve got agents on the street and in the apartment house across the street. Dad’ll be fine.

Max: What happens if he comes through the front door?

Zach: [annoyed] Dad, how many killers do you know that knock on the front door?

Max: [sarcastically] Gee, I don’t know. Siegfried, Shtarker, The Craw, Ironside, lawyers, salesmen, shall I go on?

Zach: [pause] You know what I love most about you, Dad? Your optimism. Besides, have I ever steered you wrong? [Max looks at him] This week? [Max looks at him] Today?

Max: Well, not today…

Zach: Exactly. So don’t worry. You’ll be fine. [pats him on the back] Now eat! I made your favorite.

Max: Zach, I’m not really hungry right now.

Zach: [hurt] I slaved over a hot stove for an hour making that, Dad.

Max: [annoyed] Fine, Zachary. I’ll eat. [everyone goes in the kitchen] [calling after them] But I won’t like it!

Outside, CONTROL agents were all over, looking for any signs of anyone suspicious. The Cupid went unsuspected, as he greeted agents inside the building across the street. He got settled in his room and removed his crossbow. He selected an arrow that had the name Chief Maxwell Smart on it.

He loaded the arrow, took aim at Max’s back and fired. At the same time, Max was eating his food, when his arm hit the spoon and knocked it on the floor. As he bent over to get it, the arrow flew over his head and hit the wall across from him.

Max got back up, put the spoon on the table, looked up, and saw the arrow. He stood up and went over to it.

Max: [looking at arrow] [to the kitchen] Hey Gang! I think you should come see this.

Zach: [first out the kitchen] What happened? Did the Cupid strike?

Max: [to Zach] Come here. [Zach walks over] See this?

Zach: Dad!

Max: Zach!

Zach: Why did you stick an arrow in my wall? Dinner couldn’t have been THAT bad!

Max: [looks at Zach] [sarcastically] Your powers of observation are astounding, Zachary.

Zach:[sarcastically] Well, I like to think the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. [laughs]

Max: [laughs] [annoyed] Zachary! This is an arrow. This arrow was aimed at my head. Someone tried to kill me.

Zach: Don’t worry. This is easily solved.

99: How?

Zach: [on phone] Agent 36? Smart here. Did you know that my Dad was almost hit by an arrow? [pause] Oh you didn’t? You didn’t know that? Well, now you do. What is going on over there? My dad could’ve been the next victim of the Cupid! [pause] [sarcastically] Yeah, 36. That would’ve been bad. Very very bad. [pause] What’s that? Oh you do? Really? That’s great! We’ll be right over. [hangs up] [to everyone] So you think my plan wouldn’t work, huh? Guess who the boys caught over there?

99: The Cupid?

Zach: Absolutely! You all owe me a big apology.

66: Zach, let’s just go over and see if it’s him or not.

Zach: It’s him! Who else would it be? Come on!

The group went across the street to talk to the guy the agents had caught. They all went back to CONTROL, to interrogate the man there. Even after two minutes, they knew they had the wrong guy.

Max: [closing door of interrogation room] So Zach…

Zach: Dad…guys…[looks at girls] girls…gang, look. I may…have jumped the gun on this thing, but I really think, if we try my plan again and this time Dad FACES the window, we’d have a much better time of catching this guy.

Max: Zachary, as your father, I’m asking you, I’m BEGGING you, not to come up with anymore ideas. [Maxine comes running over] [to Maxine] What’s up, Max?

Maxine: I have some good news and some bad news. What do you wanna hear first?

Zach: Good news.

Max: The bad news. Then we’ll be happier about the good news.

66: I say good news.

99: I don’t have a preference.

Maxine: I’ll tell you the bad news first. The Cupid’s struck again. This time, three CONTROL agents, a senator, and the senator’s aide.

Max: At least it’s not just us anymore.

99: Max!

Max: I don’t mean it like that, 99. I’m saying…we now have more to work with.

66: What’s the good news, Max?

Maxine: There’s a Valentine’s dance this weekend.

Max: [sarcastically] Oh well good! Everything is perfectly okay in the world because we’re throwing a Valentine’s dance this very weekend!

Maxine: [annoyed] You don’t have to sarcastic about it.

Max: Believe me, Max, a Valentine’s Day dance is the least of my concerns. And why is it this weekend? Valentine’s day is today.

Zach: [to Max] Because someone refused to give the day off to the agents tomorrow. [look from Max] Not that I’m complaining. I love working here. I have the time of my life.

Max: Look, gang. We’re in a lot of trouble right now. This is guy is going around killing CONTROL agents left and right with arrows and we don’t have a single clue as to why or who is doing this.

Zach: Uh…excuse me, Dad, but we know who’s behind this. It’s the Cupid remember? Works under KAOS.

Max: Have you seen the Cupid?

Zach: Uh…no.

Max: Then my point stands. Look, all you guys have to do is go out, find the Cupid, and stop him.

Zach: [sarcastically] Is that all? Geez, we could’ve been done hours ago.

Max: Hey Junior, it’s only five o’clock. You have all night.

66: Let’s recheck every victim’s house and see if we can find something there. [starts to leave with Maxine] Coming Zach?

Zach: I’ll catch up with you girls later. [waits til girls leave] [to Max and 99] Could I steal the house tonight? [looks from both] I mean, you’ll be in it.

99: Why Zach?

Zach: Well… [embarrassed] I’m sure you may have noticed that Agent 66 and I haven’t been getting along in recent months…

Max: [sarcastically] No.

99: Shocking. What could have possibly happened?

Zach: Sarcasm not warranted or appreciated. Look, the two of us need to sit down and iron some stuff out and, well, to be honest I don’t think it would work at our apartments and the house would probably make the best possible arena.

99: You’re looking for a home court advantage.

Zach: Exactly. And it’ll all work if the two of you have dinner with her beforehand.

Both: What?

99: You want us to entertain Tracie while you do…what exactly?

Max: Where’re you gonna be?

Zach: Hey, man, I’ve got a case to work on. Look, I’ll be there, I just need you to…you know…soften her up a bit. You know, outline some of my better qualities, highlight what an awesome person I am, and if you’d like to throw in your desire for grandchildren, by all means.

99: [sarcastically] Shall we throw in a dowry while we’re at it?

Zach: There’s that sarcasm again. [begins to leave] That’s what gives this family real spice. I’ll inform the lovely Ms. Lewis you’d like to have dinner around 7:30pm [leaves]

Max: 99…

99: Yes Max.

Max: Why did you let him talk us in to this?

99: Me? [heading for his office] He’s your son.

Max: How come every time Zach gets some crazy idea, he’s my son? He’s your son too!

99: He has your genes.

Max: [following her] I’m not the only person who wears pants in this family!

The scene changes to Agent 14’s apartment building. The girls were searching any and everything that might have something to do with the identity of the Cupid.

Zach had gone over to the senator’s place of residence to check things as well. So far, the group wasn’t getting anything.

Maxine: I’m not finding anything, Trace.

66: Me either. Any word from Zach?

Maxine: Not yet. I did find something interesting from Austin.

66: What?

Maxine: The tips of those arrows have a very strong poison in them. They sink through the skin and go straight for the heart, killing instantly.

66: That’s not good. [Maxine shakes her head] Any word on where those arrows came from?

Maxine: Austin and I fiddled around with them and all we can say is that they’re homemade. And there aren’t too many homemade arrow shops in town or even out of town.

66: I never thought I’d say this, but KAOS really has one over us.

Maxine: Well, I got this theory. These are homemade arrows right? Who makes their own arrows? Archers. So what if the guy we’re dealing with is an archer?

66: That would explain the marksmanship. That’s a good theory, Max, but even if it pans out, we still have a much harder case on our hands.

Maxine: Finding archers that are local and out of the area. Yeah, I know. Well, it’s just a theory.

66: [shrugs] It’s a good theory and the only one we got so far. [looks at watch] I can’t believe Zach hasn’t called in yet.

Maxine: Yeah, I know. It’s so not like him. Even if he hasn’t found anything.

66: Maybe we should call him. [Max’s cell rings]

Maxine: Maybe we don’t have to. [answers] Max here. [scene moves back and forth]

Zach: Hey Max. It’s Zach.

Maxine: Well, gee. Thanks for calling. We were starting to get a little worried here.

Zach: Really? Ah, gee. That’s sweet. Actually Max, I was calling cause I ran into a bit of a snag.

Maxine: What kind of snag?

The scene switches to a basement. Thomas takes the phone from Zach and starts to talk to Maxine.

Thomas: Hello, Ms. Smart. So nice to talk to you.

Maxine: [sarcastically] It’s a pleasure, I’m sure. Where’s my brother?

Thomas: We have him safely tied to a target.

Maxine: Oh thank God. I’ve always said Zach needs more stylish clothes. Not that he isn’t stylish; best dressed spy four years running is nothing to sneeze at, however…

Thomas: No, not the store Target. I mean an archer’s target. We’re going to kill him.

Maxine: You may think that, but after we come over there and rescue him, you might think differently.

Thomas: First, my dear, you’ll have to find us.

Zach: And do it quickly! I don’t have much time!

Maxine: Zach, do you mind? I’m talking here! [66 looks at her] That’s very rude!




Setting: The Washington Archery school. The two Maxes and 66 had broken on to the school grounds and were following a tracking signal.

Maxine: I never thought I’d say this, but I’m glad Zach is so paranoid, he takes his tracking device where ever he goes.

66: I wouldn’t call it paranoia, Max. I think it’s normal.

Maxine: [looking at 66] You’ve been hanging out with Zach again, haven’t you?

66: When you’ve been a spy for as long as Zach has, you tend to feel as though your life is in danger at every minute. I’d be worried if I didn’t feel that someone was following me or hiding in my house. [pause] And you’re one to talk, with the amount of ammunition you have in your car. [another pause] And whether or not I’m spending time with your brother has nothing to do with this.

Max: Oh, by the way, Tracie, you wanna have dinner tonight?

66: Depends. Am I in trouble?

Max: No.

66: Oh. Sure; What’re you having?

Max: Chicken Parmesan.

66: Mmm. Sure, I’ll be there. What time?

Maxine: Guys. [they stop] Do you mind?

66: Sorry. [they continue]

Maxine: You’re making me hungry. [pause] And I noticed that I wasn’t invited to dinner.

Max: [to Maxine] Favor to your brother. [to 66] Seven thirty, if we get out of here in time.

66: I’ll be there.

Maxine: I got it. [trio stops] The signal seems to be coming from the basement.

Max: Then let’s go.

The trio made their way to the basement. They hide behind some boxes and made their way center.

Maxine: The perimeter is quiet.

66: Yeah. A little too quiet.

They continued until they could see Zach, tied in front of a large target. He was gagged and bound.

Maxine: The place seems calm.

66: Yeah. A little too calm, but there’s Zach.

Max: Yeah. A little too Zach. [girls look at him] Alright. Come on.

The trio come out from their hiding place to the center of the room. Nothing happens. Zach, gagged, struggles to get free.

Max: [laughs] No guards, no lights. I wish all our rescue missions were like this.

Maxine: I don’t know. I don’t like it, guys. Call it womanly intuition or spy-fu, but if they WERE going to spring a trap, it would be right now.

Suddenly, a large light flicked on and in front of them were Thomas, the Cupid, and about five other agents. The Cupid removed the gag from Zach’s mouth, and he looked at his family, shaking his head.

Zach: [sarcastically] Oh yeah. In case you guys didn’t know, this was a trap.

Max: [annoyed] Thank you for letting us know.

Thomas: Good evening, Chief of CONTROL. And agents of course. Welcome to the basement of the Washington Archery School. I am the head master, Mr. Daiquiri Thomas.

Zach: [looks at Thomas] Your mother named you after an alcoholic beverage?

Thomas: Actually, I think I got the more appropriate name.

66: Why do you say that?

Thomas: My brother was named Jack Daniel Thomas. Anyway, I’m sure you’re here to rescue your son, Chief of CONTROL.

Max: Actually, the girls and I were out for a stroll and we came past here and…well…here we are.

66: What exactly do you think you’re doing by killing all these agents?

Thomas: Exactly what has happened here. Trying to get you in our possession. Those were merely random, mercy killings, though some at KAOS felt they were justified. We’ve just been waiting for you to come along.

Zach: Don’t lie to them. You know good and well, you kidnapped me.

Cupid: You guys were taking too long.

Max: [annoyed] Well, sorry! Someone didn’t leave us any clues to go on.

Thomas: Let’s not argue. We’re going to do something KAOS hasn’t been able to do. [pulls out gun]




Setting: The Washington Archery School basement. The Smarts and Agent 66 were about to meet their maker.

Cupid: Hey Thomas, wait a minute. I want the Smarts watch their golden boy die first.

The Cupid went over and got his crossbow. Thomas waved the gun to move the Smarts and 66 back away from the Cupid. He loaded the crossbow with the arrow marked for Zach and pointed it at him.

Zach: Hey wait a minute! Haven’t you ever heard of a last request?

Cupid: I don’t believe in last requests.

Zach: [annoyed] Well you should. It’s part of the American way, you communist.

Cupid: Alright, Smart. Any last words?

Zach: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. Untie me, let me go, don’t shoot, you’ll going to pay for this, in fact, you’re under arrest, anything you may say can be held in a court of…

Thomas: Shut up, Smart! [to Cupid] Get on with it.

The Cupid held up the crossbow and aimed at Zach’s chest. Thomas was busy looking on, thus also taking his attention away from the three agents.

Max: [tapping Thomas on the shoulder] Hey, Thomas, your shoe’s untied.

Thomas fell for the trick and bent over, enabling Max to knock the gun from his hand and for Maxine to hit him. One of the guns aimed at Max, who, with gun in hand, shot the KAOS agent. 66 ran over and untied Zach and the two of them took out three of the agents. The fifth one ran away and escaped.

Zach: Well, that’s it.

Cupid: You’re absolutely right, Smart!

The Cupid came out from his hiding place and shot his arrow at Zach. It hit Zach in the chest and he fell to the floor. Max turned around and shot the Cupid and he fell backwards, dropping his crossbow. The girls ran over to Zach, while Max checked on the Cupid.

66: Zach, are you okay? [cradling his head in her lap] Zach, speak to me.

Max: Zach… Zachary! Where does it hurt, son?

Zach: Actually…it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t hurt much at all.

Max looked at him and opened Zach’s shirt. Underneath, was an all purpose bullet proof undershirt.

Max: [annoyed] Well, I guess not. [Zach laughs]

The others stand up and 66 drops Zach’s head on the floor.

Zach: Ow! That really hurt! [everyone starts to leave] Hey! You think taking that arrow didn’t hurt? Well, it did! Hey, where’re you guys going? I need support over here. Guys?

The scene moves to the home of Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart, where Max and 99 are stretching conversation with Agent 66 since about 7:30pm.

Max: Well…that was certainly some case, huh?

66: [annoyed] Yes, Chief, for the fourth time that you’ve asked, that was some case.

Max: I’m just saying, you know, how clever the guy was. Former archer, headquarters in the archery school. Just really…clever.

99: Tracie, I’m going to be totally honest with you. Our son has obviously lost his mind.

66: 99, I’m so glad you agree with me.

99: He tells us to invite you over for dinner and he doesn’t even show up.

66: Exactly. I mean, that is so typical with Zach these days. It’s so…like a guy. [to Max] Don’t you agree?

Max: [pause][shrugs] Tracie, I’m just his boss.

66: [smiling] Chief, you’re his Dad.

Max: I know. A fact that my wife likes to remind me of.

The three are interrupted as the front door opens, revealing an out of breath Zach.

Max: [confused] Son…

Zach: I know, I know. [walking towards dinner table] I’m a little late, but it’s not my fault. That Doc Parker wouldn’t let me go under he was sure I wasn’t going to die or burst into flames or something.

66: Zach…

Zach: Before you say anything, [reveals bouquet of roses from behind his back] this is my Valentine’s present for you.

66: More roses?

Zach: And heartfelt apologies, groveling, begging, pleading, and all that good stuff. Tracie, I think… [looks at parents] We’re gonna need some space. [Both nod] Alone.

99: Right! [grabs plate and stands up] Right. C’mon Max, we’ll go watch some TV.

Max: I haven’t finished eating yet.

99: You can eat in living room.

Zach: [nervously] Kinda need you further than that.

99: No problems. We’ll eat in the living room and…you two can talk in the den.

Max: Why can’t we stay here if they’re in the den?

99: [suppressing a sigh] I taped a Bogey/Bacall marathon the other day.

Max: [grabbing plate and standing] Why didn’t you say so? [heads for living] You kids have a good time. [99 follows him]

Zach nods his thanks, as he and 66 head to the den, which actually acts as an office to both Max and 99. Zach allows 66 in first before closing the door and locking it.

Zach: Now, before you say anything, you have to know this. I am the biggest jerk in the world. If there was anyone else that was more of a jerk than me, they’d be 7’3 and 600 pounds. I’ve been a rotten business partner and a worse friend these last months and…what I’m trying to tell you, Tracie…I love you. I always have and I’ll be the first to admit that my actions don’t always say that, but I’m absolutely, hopelessly, and devotedly in love with you. All I can say is I’m sorry.

Meanwhile, despite having a Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall movie on, it’s clear that Max is trying his best to hear what’s going on inside their office.

Max: [standing, holding plate] Well, I’m done! Just gonna go put this in the kitchen and wash it. In fact, I think I’ll wash all the dishes in there so you don’t have to. I’ll be right back. [quickly leaves]

Back inside the den –

66: Zach, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt when you went off to Atlantic City.

Zach: Tracie, I know nothing can…

66: I’m not finished, Smart. Half of me wants to floor you right now.

Zach: [grimacing] I hope the other half is a little more forgiving.

Outside the door to the den, we see Max straining against the door, trying to listen in.

99: Max. [causes Max to jump and hit his arm against the door] What’re you doing?

Max: [holding arm in pain] Holding my arm in pain. What’s wrong with you? Sneaking up on me like that?

99: What’s wrong with you? Listening in to a private conversation.

Max: I am not.

99: Then what’re you doing?

Max: [pause] Standing here.

Back inside:

66: I don’t think I could fully tell you just how hurt I was when you told me you were getting married. Especially when I thought…I had thought there was something between us.

Zach: Tracie… [stepping up to her] I wanted, had hoped that maybe you felt the same way. The problem was…we probably should’ve been a little more forth coming about if we did feel the same or not.

66:[smiling] The truth is, Zachary Smart, no matter how I wanted to keep this relationship of ours a business deal or deny that there was nothing happening between us, obviously I wouldn’t be so hurt if I didn’t think there was something there. [touching his cheek] I’m in love with you, too, Zach.

Zach: [sighs] I’ll make this up to you. I don’t want to lose you again and I’d like to make up for lost time. Listen, not that I don’t love my parents, but I think we should get out of here and talk somewhere private. Okay?

66: Okay. [smiles]

66 opened the door and both were surprised to see both Max and 99 standing outside of it.

66: Heard every word, didn’t you?

Max: What? No! Absolutely not!

99: Of course not! We were just…standing here.

Max: Well, the two of you are both standing, [looks them over] neither of you look hurt or battered in any way, so I have to guess that everything is okay?

Zach: [rolls eyes] Everything is as good as it can be, thank you. You’ll be happy to know, Pop, that Tracie and I have reached a truce, so you don’t have to worry about assigning us to different partners.

Max: Oh…[confused] Right. Right! Cause…that’s exactly what I had planned to do. Come Monday morning. [99 looks at him] Well, good! I’m glad to hear it. Now that that’s taken care of, let’s get back to the movie. I’m sure I’ve missed something crucial somewhere.

99: In a movie you’ve seen fifteen times?

66: The offer is great, Chief, but I think Zach and I are probably gonna leave you guys to yourselves for the rest of the night.

99: Are you sure?

Zach: [looking towards 66] Yeah. That’s probably a good idea.

Max: Cause…it’s you, Zachary. I’ve to completely have a moment alone with your mother since you came bounding along.

Zach: [rolls eyes] Dad…it is still Valentine’s Day…

Max: Exactly.

66: [pulling Zach towards the front door] No worries, Chief. I promise you I’ll make it a point to keep your son occupied.

Max: That’s why you’re my favorite, Tracie!

Zach: [at the front door] I’m going to tell my dear and loving sister this tomorrow morning!