Romancing the Robot


Romancing the Robot



Setting: A wild party. People were dancing and laughing inside and having a great time. The camera moves through out the place, until it gets down to the cellar. There, the Smart family were tied down to a large table and had a large swinging axe above them. Two men stood over them, explaining their fate.

Man 1: It seems as though you and your family have fallen in to our trap, Chief of CONTROL.

Max: ha. My family and I have fallen into cleverer traps than this one before.

Man 2: Allow me to explain your plight. If you all could turn your heads to view this little rope. The rope is over a flame, which will burn through, causing the large axe pendulum to cut you all in half.

99: You really don’t think you’re actually going to get away with this do you?

Man 1: Mrs. Smart if I told you that you had but one chance to escape, I’d be a two faced liar. [laughing]

Man 2: [laughing as well] That was a good one.

Max: [to family] Well, at least they’re happy. One thing I can’t stand is an angry captor.

Man 2: [leaving] Try not to fall to pieces. [both men laugh and leave]

Zach: What’re we going to do? I rented this tux and I refuse to have to explain why it’s in two pieces.

99: Zach, calm down. This is no time to be beside yourself. [looking at axe] So to speak.

Maxine: The first thing we do is get out of here and blow out that candle.

Zach: [sarcastically] Well, thank you Lance Burton. And you plan on doing that how?

Maxine thought about it for a minute, then nodded her head. She wiggled out of the restraints, got off the table, run over to the candle and blew it out. She then quickly ran back to the table on and was about to get back under the restraints, when she stopped.

Maxine: [to camera] What am I doing?

She got off the table and quickly untied her family. The four rushed upstairs to look for their captors. 99 spotted them on the terrace and the four quickly ran outside, only to be met with a very large man.

Zach: [holding back family] I’ll take care of him. [approaching the man]

99: Be careful, Zach.

Zach: Don’t worry, Mom. You know the old saying, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Zach walked up to the man and the height difference was astounding. Zach was already about 6’ something, but this guy was at least five to ten inches taller. Zach cleared his throat out of nervousness, but regained his composure.

Zach: [to man] You think cause you’re bigger than me, I can’t handle you. Well, I’ll tell you something, buddy. I’ve handled bigger and uglier godzillas than you before.

Zach quickly landed a punch to the man’s stomach, only to wince in pain about his hand. Zach continued undaunted, swinging and just hitting air. Finally, Zach got totally fed up. He ran over and got a metal chair from the side. He took the chair, put it right in front of the guy and stood on it. He then continued his assault, with no results.

Finally, Zach was at his wits end. He got off the chair, picked it up, and hit the large man in the side with it. The hit caused the chair and Zach to shake violently. Finally, Zach stopped shaking and got his bearings, just as the man was approaching him.

Maxine: How’s that saying go again, Zach?

Zach: Maybe it’s the bigger they are, the harder I fall.

Max: Or the more bones they break. In your body.

Zach: [to man] Look, about that Godzilla crack. I think we can both say it was a simple…

Suddenly, the man grabbed Zach by his throat.

Zach: [choked] misunderstanding.

The man started to bring Zach up with his hand. Max ran over to the man’s other side.

Max: You let go of him, you big ape.

The man took his other hand, grabbed Max, and sent him flying into the wall behind him.

Max: [stumbling] Check please. [falls down]

Maxine: [to 99] Do something!

99: [sarcastically] Like what? Hit him with a chair?

The two women looked at each other and came to a reasonable conclusion. They went over and Maxine grabbed one of the vases off the table. She came up behind the man, jumped up, and hit him over the head. The man wasn’t even shaken by this.

Zach: Girls, you really should stay out of this.

The large man dropped Zach hard on the ground and turned his attention to Maxine and 99.

Maxine: [backing up] Oh well, this can’t be good.

Man 2: Sebastian! Heel!

The large man stopped his approach.

Man 2: Come!

The large man walked over to the two men.

Man 1: This was just a preview.

The group leave. The camera shows the guys, Max totally out and Zach trying to catch his breathe and rubbing his neck.

Maxine: If this was the preview, I hate to see the show.






Setting: The office of Chief Maxwell Smart. Inside, 99 was giving Max a shoulder massage to ease the
pain from last night. Zach walked in, also still in pain.

Max: Well?

Zach: I found out the two guys were Jason Crook and John Chase, a couple of small time inventors. They also like the finer things in life. Like paintings, fine wine, jewelry. And they like stealing.

99: Stealing what?

Zach: Paintings, fine wine, jewelry…

Max: What about that other guy, Zach?

Zach: The jury’s still out on that one, but you must admit, if he’s new to KAOS, that could bring us a lot of trouble. What kind of man can pick up someone like a rag doll?

99: Well, no one human could do something like that.

Zach: What’re you thinking? That he might be a robot like Hymie?

Max: Stranger things have happened. [agent 66 walks in]

66: Is there a reason why Hymie is sitting out singing the blues?

Max: [to Zach] See? [to 66] He’s what?

66: Hymie’s sitting outside, singing the ‘’I’m a lonely robot blues’’.

Zach: Why?

66: [sarcastically] If I knew that, Zachary, I wouldn’t have come in here and asked.

Max: Don’t start. 66, would you be a doll and go out there and ask Hymie why he’s so down?

66: Of course, Chief. Anything for you. [leaves]

Zach: [mocking her] Of course, Chief. Anything for you.

Max: Stop it.

Zach: Just saying. [66 comes back in]

66: Carrie dumped him.

Max: Who?

66: The cigarette machine in accounting.

99: Oh poor Hymie. I think we should do something to cheer him up.

Max: I agree, 99.

Zach: Hey, let’s get Hymie a girl. Like a real one.

Max: [sarcastically] Good thinking, Zach. And while you’re at it, why don’t you look for Jimmy Hoffa? [look from Zach] Hey, wait a minute. The answer to this isn’t about getting Hymie a girl. It’s about getting him a case.

99: You have a particular case in mind?

Max: Sure do. If what you think is true, 99, and KAOS has another living robot on their payroll, there’s no way we can handle him, but Hymie can. Perfect. I’ll just put Hymie on this case. [smiles] See, this is why I’m Chief of CONTROL. Cause I think of really good ideas.

99: [sarcastically] And certainly not because ‘Chief’ fits perfectly on your license plate.

Max: That, my darling, is called a perk.

The scene moves to KAOS headquarters. The two men, Crook and Chase, are sitting at a table with two other men.

Man 1: I don’t understand how your robot will destroy CONTROL. KAOS has tried that angle before and it hasn’t worked.

Crook: That’s because you had idiots behind your plans. I tell you, this plan will work.

Man 2: I agree with Eric. Three times KAOS has done the robot thing, three times it’s failed. Hymie was our robot first and Smart and Agent 99 stole him from us!

Chase: Calm down. I assure you gentlemen, Sebastian gave a nice preview last night on what could become of Team Smart, but we have prepared ourselves for something to go amiss. You see, gentlemen, my colleague Mr. Crook and I also made something for the robot Hymie. This will keep him distracted, while Sebastian destroys CONTROL. [to door of another room] Heidi? Could you come out here please?

The door opened and this beautiful woman, with brunette hair walked out. Eric and his friend couldn’t help but stare at this beautiful woman.

Eric: She’s beautiful, John. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman so beautiful.

Heidi: Thank you.

Man 2: I’m not sure I see how this woman will defeat Hymie. He’s a robot.

Crook: So is Heidi.

Eric: You’re kidding me. That…gorgeous creature…is a robot?

Chase: Absolutely. We read the KAOS files on Octavia and that seemed to have been the closest KAOS has come to destroying Hymie.

Man 2: But Octavia blew herself up.

Crook: Exactly. The whole point is that Heidi take Hymie’s mind off of anything to do with Sebastian. That gives Sebastian ample time to…take control.

Chase: Trust us, gentlemen. By the time the whole thing is over, CONTROL will be in pieces, Team Smart will be in pieces, and Agent Hymie will be in pieces.




Setting: The South of the Border Mexican Restaurant. The Smarts had brought Hymie here in order to cheer him up a bit, but it wasn’t exactly working.

Zach: Come on, Hymie. Cheer up! This might have been the best thing for you. Love is a game that you have to play.

Hymie: Zach, I don’t want to be mean, but you’re really the last person I would want to get tips on love from.

Zach: [hurt][sarcastically] Well, fine then. I’ll just go and crawl under my rock from which I came.

99: Oh Zach. Cheer up! Love is a game that you have to play. [look from Zach]

Zach: Don’t comfort me, Mother.

Max: Look gang, this is beside the point. Hymie, what do you think of this guy? 99 thinks he could be another attempt at destroying you and CONTROL.

Hymie: Well, Max, after what you describe, the man does seem to have incredible strength. But I’d have to meet him to really know him.

Zach: [sarcastically] Sure Hymie. We’ll set up a dinner date for the two of you.

As the four sat, a beautiful woman walks through the door of the restaurant. Zach was the first to notice her.

Zach: Hey…who’s that? [the four look]

Max: Beautiful.

Zach: Certainly is.

Max: Why don’t you sit back, son? This is obviously a job for an expert.

99: [looking at Max] Really?

Max: No… no, not really.

The three looked at the woman, then each other, then at Hymie, then back to each other, apparently all of them having the same thought.

99: [to Hymie] What do you think of her, Hymie?

Hymie: What do I think of who?

Zach: The spicy number that just walked in the door.

Hymie: What number was it?

Max: [pointing out the woman] The redhead sitting at that table over there.

Hymie: [looking] She’s pretty.

Zach: Pretty? Hymie, she’s a knockout

Hymie: How can you tell she’s in professional boxing, Zach, if you just saw her today?

Zach: Alright. That’s it. If he doesn’t want her, I’ll certainly take her. [about to stand up]

Max: Sit down. You already have a girl.

Zach: I do not.

Max: Yes you do, you just don’t know it yet. [getting waiter] Waiter, see that woman over there? The redhead? Send her a drink, compliments of him. [pointing to Hymie]

Hymie: That was nice of you, Max.

Max: It’s the least I can do, Hymie. After all, you’ll be having dinner with her on Friday.

Hymie: But I’m not having dinner on Friday.

Max: Yes you are, you just don’t know it yet.

The waiter delivered the drink and showed the woman, who happens to be Heidi, where it came from. She thanked the waiter and drank the drink. After finishing it, she walked over to the Smart table.

Heidi: I hear one of you attractive gentlemen sent me a drink. I thought I’d come over and thank you.

Zach: [standing with Max] It was no trouble at all.

Heidi: My name’s Heidi.

Zach: Zachary.

Max: Maxwell.

99: [pointing at Max] His wife.

Max: [clearing throat][points to Hymie] And this is our dear friend, Hymie. He’s the one who sent you
the drink.

Heidi: [smiling] Well, thank you, Hymie.

Hymie: [also standing] The pleasure was all mine, Heidi.

Max: Say listen, why don’t you two kids stay here and have lunch. On me. We have to be going.

Zach: But…but I haven’t eaten yet.

Max: We’ll pick up something on the way back to work. We’ll just leave you to your lunch. Remember Hymie, lots of iron. Okay, come on guys, let’s go.

The Smarts left the two to lunch and went back to headquarters and got something at the deli. Later that day, Hymie came back to CONTROL and went to see Dr. Austin Parker in the lab.

Parker: Afternoon, Hymie.

Hymie: Hello, Dr. Parker. I hope I’m not disturbing you, but I was hoping I could have a check up this week. I have a date Friday.

Parker: So I’ve heard. Well I’m not busy, Hymie, I can do it now if you like.

Hymie: Thank you.

Hymie sat down on one of the stools and opened his trap box.

Parker: [looking at gears] I hear you’re on the Crook and Chase case. Any new developments?

Hymie: So far, I don’t anything. I know about the criminals, but the subject about the supposed robot has me a little stumped.

Parker: I agree. The Chief has me going over certain things that would make this guy stick out in a
crowd, but so far, I can’t of anything. [looking at Hymie] Cough please. [Hymie coughs] My personal opinion is KAOS is going to keep this guy out of sight until they feel a perfect chance to strike.

Hymie: But in order to that, something has to distract us from the subject.

Parker: Exactly. And until we know what or when that will be, we’re going to be in the dark. [Hymie starts to laugh] Sorry, Hymie. I forgot you were ticklish. [closes trap box] Well, you seem okay. Make sure you get lots of iron and oil in your diet, but not much. Considering your age and all. Say, Hymie, are you going upstairs to see the Chief?

Hymie: Yes sir.

Parker: Could you give him these files on Crook and Chase? I got a little more information on them.

Hymie: Sure. [takes files and leaves]

Hymie goes upstairs to Max’s office.

Hymie: [handing Max files] Dr. Parker wanted me to give these to you, Max.

99: All set for your date this Friday, Hymie?

Hymie: As well as I can be.

Max: [still reading] What’s a matter Hymie? Nervous?

Hymie: No. I just think I should concentrate more on this case than on going out Friday.

Max: Then you’d have to break your date with Heidi. You don’t want to that, do you? Cause then she’ll be sad and cry her eyes out because you had other things to do and she’d be upset and you wouldn’t want that, would you, Hymie?

Hymie: Of course not, Max. It’s against my nature. And my programming.

Max: Good. Don’t worry about Friday night. It’ll be covered.

Hymie: Anything interesting in those files, Max?

Max: Not really. Same ole same, though you could do me a favor. Take Zach and head over to the Tyndall Apartments. It says here Crook and Chase live there.

Within minutes, Zach and Hymie were at the Tyndall Apartments. They walked inside and saw that no one was manning the front desk.

Zach: Where is this guy? Doesn’t he know he’s letting his business go to pot? What about the family he has to feed?

Hymie: I’m sure he’ll be around, Zachary. He’s probably upstairs. Let’s just wait for him.

As the two stood around at the front desk, a black car across the street just pulls up. Inside, two men are watching the two through the front entrance.

Man: [from back seat] You know what to do. Smart’s an easy target, so kill him, but be careful of that robot. Whatever happens, we want that robot alive.




Setting: The Tyndall Apartment complex. Inside, Zach and Hymie were waiting for the desk clerk. Outside, two men had just a black car Parker across the street and headed for the entrance.

Hymie: [seeing men] I think we have company, Zach.

Zach: [to men as they enter] Afternoon, boys. Looking for the desk clerk?

Man 1: Actually Smart, [pulling out gun] we were looking for you.

Zach: Oh. [seeing gun] Well, as you can see, you’ve found me. But it would be rude of my not to introduce you to my friend.

Man 2: Oh, we know all about your friend.

Zach: You do, huh?

Hymie: I don’t believe we’ve been introduced. My name’s Hymie.

Hymie shook the man’s hand and the man was in extreme amounts of pain. His partner, gazing at them, lost his guard and Zach was able to hit him. Hymie then threw his guy across the room into a nearby wall.

Zach: Come on, Hymie. I don’t think we should stay in this situation.

The two got in Zach’s car and drove off, going past the black car across the street.

Man: [from back] [on phone] They bought it. No doubt they’re heading back to CONTROL.

The scene moves to the headquarters of Crook and Chase.

Crook: [on phone] Great. We’ll see you back here then. [hangs up] [to Chase] Everything’s working well.

Chase: Very well. I finished talking to Heidi. She’s got a date with Hymie on Friday. Things couldn’t get any better.

Crook: Oh, they could. And they will. After Friday, we’ll have Team Smart right where we want them and
that’ll put an end to them, Hymie, and CONTROL.

When Friday finally came, Hymie met Heidi at a local restaurant. Max arranged it so that he and 99 were also having dinner at the restaurant and that Zach and Maxine were working on Hymie’s case.

Max: I’m a genius. I’m so worthy of my name.

99: Don’t get too much of a big head about this. I’d like to leave the restaurant. Providing that we can get your head through the door.

Max: [sarcastically] Ha ha. That’s cute. But you have to admit, this was a good idea. This way we can watch Hymie, Zach and Maxine are working on the Crook and Chase case and you and I get to have a wonderful dinner and have some time to ourselves.

99: It’s a good idea, Max, but do you think it was smart to let Hymie come, after what happened a couple days ago?

Max: That’s why we’re here. To keep an eye on him. Besides, what harm can Heidi do?

Meanwhile at Hymie and Heidi’s table:

Heidi: You know, Hymie, I was really nervous about seeing you tonight.

Hymie: Really? Why?

Heidi: I really wanted to see you, but I thought you might cancel.

Hymie: I couldn’t do that. It’s against my nature. And my programming. Truthfully speaking, Heidi, I recently left a relationship.

Heidi: Oh Hymie, [placing hand on his] I’m so sorry. Later, we can talk, if you’d like.

Hymie: [smiling] I’d like that, Heidi. Thank you.

Back at Max and 99’s table

Max: I’m telling you, 99. Look at that. [pointing to Hymie and Heidi’s table] I see sparks.

99: I agree with you, Max. But this part of the plan isn’t my favorite.

Max: [hurt] It’s not?

99: [leaning in close] My favorite part was when you suggested we have dinner together.

Max: [smiling] Well, darling, [putting arm around her] certain plans stand out above the rest. That’s one of the perks. [leaning in close] Of course, having you come in everyday is a perk of it’s own.

Just as Max leans in to kiss 99, her cell phone goes off.

Max: [moves away] Never fails.

99: [answering phone] Hello? [pause] Yes. Hold on. [to Max] It’s for you. [hands phone over] It’s your son.

Max: Why is it every time he bothers us, he’s MY son?

Zach: I heard that, Dad.

Max: What do you want?

Zach: I could want a raise in salary.

Max: Leave me alone with your mother for five years and I’ll certainly take it under consideration. [Zach laughs] No, really. What do you want?

Zach: I thought you might like to hear an update on the progress that your daughter and I were doing on the Crook and Chase case.

Max: Okay. What’s the update?

Zach: Well, so far, Max and I have sat here and sat here and nothing has happened.

Max: That’s your update?

Zach: Yeah.

Max: That’s not much of an update, Zachary.

Zach: I didn’t say it was a GOOD update. I just said I had an update.

Just then, a car pulled up in front of the apartment building.

Maxine: Zach, check this out.

Zach: [looking at car] Hello ‘ello. What do we have here?

Max: What’s up?

Zach: Dad, a car just pulled up in front of the apartment building. In fact, that looks like the same
car Hymie and I passed when we left. You know, after our incident with those KAOS men.

Max: Hmmm. Has anyone gotten out?

Zach: Not yet, but I’ll get him when he does.

Max: Hey wait a minute, Zach. I don’t like this at all. Sounds like you and Max are walking into a

Zach: Don’t worry, Pop. Everything will be fine.

Max: I don’t know, Zach. It sounds like you’ll be in more danger if you hang around. You could be staring death in the face as we speak.

Zach: And…loving it. [hangs up]

Max also hung up and handed the phone back to 99.

99: Anything wrong?

Max: [distracted] Hmm? No! No, no. Everything’s fine.

99: What that about Zach and Max being danger?

Max: It was nothing. They’ll be fine. They’re intelligent, mature adults, who can take care of

99: [nodding] Max, would you like to go…?

Max: No! No, no. I’m fine. There’s nothing more I’d rather do than sitting here having dinner with my wife. And there’s nothing you can say or do that’s going to make me change my mind.

99: Max, I want you to go and save our children.

Max: [standing up] Okay. Gee, 99, I really feel bad about this though.

99: You go, I’ll stay and watch Hymie.

Max: I’ll make up to you, I promise. [kisses her on the cheek]

99: You’re forgiven. Go. And Max, [Max turns to her] please be careful.

Max: I will.

Max turns quickly and runs into a waiter carrying food. The waiter falls, the food falls, both hitting the ground with a huge crash.

Max: I’m terribly sorry about that. [helping waiter up] Are you alright? [waiter nods] You really should look where you’re going. [leaves]

It only took Max about fifteen minutes to get to the Tyndall Apartments. He parked behind Maxine’s red truck and got out. From the moment he stepped out, he knew something was not right. Maxine and Zach were nowhere near the car and the doors were locked. Max looked around and figured they were inside and walked across the street to the entrance of the apartments. As soon as he walked in, he noticed the desk clerk was gone.

Max: Hello? Anyone here?

Voice: [from behind] Welcome, Mr. Smart.

Max turned around and was hit. He staggered backwards into the front desk and was immediately face to face with the barrel of a gun!




Setting: A hidden office, inside an apartment of the Tyndall Apartment complex. In the center of the room stood Max, Zach, and Maxine. On the other side of them, holding the guns, were Crook and Chase.

Zach: It was nice of you to come and save us, Dad.

Max: Well, your mother wanted me to find you and save you from certain death.

Maxine: That was nice of her.

Zach: There is something wrong with your plan, Pop.

Max: Which is?

Zach: Well you have found us, however, I’m not sure that you’ve saved us from certain death.

Max: [annoyed] I’m working on it.

Chase: How do you like our offices, Mr. Smart?

Max: [looking around] It’s alright. Could use some blinds, maybe a couch over there…other than that, it’s doable.

Maxine: I see you even installed a glass door.

Crook: You have no idea how much it cost for us to have the shower door turned into a hidden office

Zach: That was the shower door? [Chase nods] [whistles] That must’ve cost you a pretty penny.

Chase: Well, the high command of KAOS pays us very well and insists we have nice things to show for it. But that’s beside the point. We plan to get you here until Heidi can quickly dispose of CONTROL agent Hymie.

Maxine: Heidi is a KAOS agent?!?

Zach: [whistles] Why are all the beautiful attractive women bad guys? Or rather, bad girls, I guess.

Crook: As we understand it, Heidi is wining and dining your robot friend and when he least expects it, she’s going to kill him.

Max: Now that is impossible. In case you weren’t aware, gentlemen, but Hymie happens to be a robot. He can’t be destroyed by the ways to kill the average man.

Crook: Well, in case YOU weren’t aware, Smart, Heidi has the same programming Hymie does, but with lethal results.

Trio: Heidi is a robot?!?

Zach: [whistles] Why are all the beautiful, attractive women evil robots? Well, for your information, Mr. Chase and Mr. Crook, you seem to be outnumbered. Sure, you may have the brains, intellect, and of course, the guns, but we have just as much intelligence to know when our opponent is beat. I see you don’t have your little, wimpy hit man Sebastian here to protect you.

Chase: [laughs] Really, Mr. Smart. Did you think we were going to shoot you?

Max: You’re not?

Crook: [laughing] No.

Maxine: You’re going to let us go?

Chase: Hardly. But seeing as your brother is so gung-ho about meeting Sebastian again, perhaps, Jason, we should grant Mr. Smart’s wish.

Crook pushed a button and through a door behind the two came Sebastian. He looked meaner than the first time TS had met him. He walked over to Zach and the two stood only inches apart, like a sudden replay of their first meeting.

Zach: Well…hello stupid. I see Mommy and Daddy let you out to play. Last time, I let you win easy, cause I didn’t want to hurt you, but this time, it’s hard ball. And you know that Godzilla crack I made? I meant every word of it. How do you like that?

Sebastian hit Zach, who went flying to the other side of the room. Undaunted, he picked himself up and walked back over to Sebastian.

Zach: Is that all you got? That didn’t hurt a bit.

Sebastian picked up Zach by the throat and tossed him onto the desk, which promptly broke underneath him. Dizzy, but determined, Zach staggered back up and faced Sebastian again.

Zach: Your mother was a goldfish and your father never loved you.

That did it. Sebastian took Zach and flung him through the plate glass door, causing Zach to fly through the door, over the shower and into the bathroom door.

Crook: Sebastian! That was an expensive door! That’ll be coming out of your robot treats. [Sebastian
gets sad.]

Zach stumbles back into the office, then starts to dust himself off. He walked back, calmly, to his father and sister.

Zach: [patting Max on the shoulder] I loosened him up for you. [falls flat to the floor]

Chase: Before we kill you, Smart, I think we should first know how your friend is doing.

Crook: Probably disassembled by now.

Chase picked the phone and dialed a number. He waited for a few minutes and then got a little mad.

Chase: [to Crook] There’s no answer.

Max: Ha! I told you Hymie couldn’t be beaten by just a mere woman.

Crook: Heidi is no mere woman, Smart! She’s the state of the art, brand name, right off the assembly
line woman!

Maxine: [annoyed] I don’t like how this conversation seems to be turning. Womanly speaking, of course.

Crook: Let’s just give her some time. [looking at the Smarts] Let’s get rid of the Smarts while we have the chance. [Chase nods, reluctantly, in agreement] Sebastian! Destroy Smart.

Sebastian made his advancement and was closing in when he suddenly stopped.

Chase: What the…?

Max and Maxine: Hymie!

In the doorway, stood Hymie, along with a medium size magnet. He turned the magnet towards Crook and Chase and their guns were quickly drawn away from them.

Chase: I don’t understand this. I do not understand this!

Zach: [standing and groggy] It’s very simple, Mr. Chase. [to Hymie] How did you that?

Hymie: 99 called and said you hadn’t come back yet. Then I got a tip on exactly where you were, so I came as fast as I could.

Max: Good work, Hymie. [taking gun] Like I said, gentlemen, Hymie is not one to give up his sacred duties as an agent of CONTROL just for love alone.

Zach: His salary states he should come to the rescue of any fallen agent.

Max: Exactly. [stops] [to Zach] Are you going to start that again? One mention that KAOS pays their agents slightly more than what I pay you and you’re ready to defect.

Zach: I never said that, Dad! Why are you always putting words in my mouth? [the two continue to argue]




Setting: The office of Chief Maxwell Smart. The case of Crook and Chase was solved, Sebastian had been
taken apart and was being used for American intelligence and video games, but Hymie was more in the dumps than usual.

66: Poor Hymie. If there wasn’t that big age difference, I’d date him for sure.

Max: Get that out of your head. You already have a guy.

66: Excuse me?

Max: You have a guy. You just don’t know it yet.

Zach: [annoyed] Dad, is one of your perks to meddle in our love lives?

Max: It’s a perk as Chief of CONTROL to meddle in 66 and Hymie’s love lives. It’s a requirement, rather than a perk, to meddle in yours.

Zach: [sarcastically] Ooh. Is that how that goes? Incidentally, thanks Mom, for insisting that we be saved. I know someone who’s going to get an extra stocking stuffer this Christmas.

Max: What about me? I’m the one that saved you.

Zach: Not really. You got captured with the rest of us. And it was Mom who called Hymie, who did save us. In fact, if it wasn’t for Mom, I bet you wouldn’t have even come and got us.

Max: That’s not true!

Zach: You would’ve come save us?

Max: Yes! Probably. [look from 99] Most likely.

99: I wish there was something we could do for Hymie.

Zach: My first offer of getting him a girl still stands.

Max: [sarcastically] So does my offer of finding Jimmy Hoffa. [Parker walks in] Parker, we need your help. We know how bad this whole case has been for Hymie, so we’re trying to think of something to make him feel better.

Parker: He seemed fine to me when he left.

66: He’s gone?

Parker: Yeah. About a couple minutes ago.

Zach: Oh no. What if he’s so despondent he does something crazy?

Parker: What? No, man. He left for a lunch date.

Max: With who?

Parker: Heidi.

The whole room is slightly confused.

66: You mean KAOS agent Heidi?

Max: The same Heidi that’s programmed to kill him?

Parker: Was programmed to kill him, but we fixed that.

Zach: Parker…Parker! Some of us in the room are a bit confused. Could you elaborate on that, like
start form the beginning?

Parker: Heidi really does like Hymie and because of that, she told him everything. Who do you think his source was?

Max: [thinking] Heidi?

Parker: Right. So, the two of them came over last night and we fixed it so that Heidi wasn’t in the
KAOS killing mood anymore.

Room: Oh.

Max: Well! All’s well that ends well. So, if you’ll excuse us kids, 99 and I have an overdue dinner
to continue. [99 and Max start to leave]

Zach: Oh yeah? Where we going? [stopped by Max]

Max: WE [motioning to himself and 99] are going to have lunch together. YOU [points at Zach] are staying here. And don’t call us! If it’s an emergency, call 911. No disturbing us, Zachary.

Zach: But Dad, that’s one of MY perks.

Max: Excuse me?

Zach: Your perk is to interfere with MY life. My perk is to interfere in YOURS.

Max: Says who?

Zach: Rules of childhood. Maybe it’s some psychological thing; maybe I’m trying to stop you from having anymore kids, who knows! But, as you said, Dad, those are the perks. [Max is dumbfounded] So…where we going? I mean rather where’re the two of you going. I know you and Mom like having some time together, but what if I need to call you and ask about tomorrow’s new case or about where certain files are or even petty stuff, like where’s my tie and can I borrow yours. All of these are so important, Dad, for the development of a healthy adult life. Take for example, I get an urgent call from the president…

Zach continues as the music starts to play behind.

Zach: What do I tell him? Sorry, my Dad is making out with my Mom at this moment and can’t be disturb so you should call 911? No, that be silly!