The Trial of the Best Man


The Trial of the Best Man



Setting: A very important dinner gathering. Everyone is hobnobbing with those in power and shoe-shining their way into power. Among these guests is Agent 35, Dr. Austin Parker of CONTROL. He’s dressed in his best tuxedo and is walking around the room, saying hi to guests. He hated parties like this. If his parents weren’t in the position they were, he wouldn’t have to be here.

Man: Austin! [coming over to Parker] There you are. So good to see you again, Doctor. [winks]

Parker: Mr. Vanderbilt, good to see you. How’s your wife?

VB: Fine! Just fine! Come over here and meet the Kopells. [pulls Parker over to couple] Carl, Jodi, I’d like you to meet Austin Parker. DOCTOR Austin Parker. This is Perry’s son.

Carl: It’s nice to meet you, young man. [shakes hand] I’ve known your father for a very long time. I’m sure he’s very proud of your achievements.

Parker: I’m…sure that’s true.

VB: Austin, I heard from Nancy the other day and she said she couldn’t WAIT to see you again.

Parker: MY Aunt Nancy?

VB: Yes.

Parker: Well, when I find time to get off work, I’ll certainly fly to Maine to see her.

VB: Oh you won’t need to.

Parker: Excuse me?

VB: She’s flying to Washington. She should be here tomorrow, I think.

Parker was in shocked and even more stunned. His aunt on his father’s side could prove to be tons of trouble for him and the rest of TS!




Setting: CONTROL headquarters, the office of Maxwell Smart. Austin tells the rest of the team that trouble is heading for the way of the Smarts.

Parker: I have terrible news. News that could be potentially dangerous to us, CONTROL, and the fate of the United States.

Max: What is it? KAOS? A foreign power? A new president?

Parker: My aunt’s flying in today. [everyone looks at him]

Zach: So? How does this effect us?

Maxine: Yeah, Austin. I think it would be a pleasure to meet your aunt.

Parker: You guys don’t understand. My Aunt Nancy is very prim and proper. She’s my father’s sister from Maine. Very old money. [to Maxine] You know what that means.

Zach: No more Friday night dinners and Saturday morning breakfasts? [smiling] [dirty looks from Maxine and Parker] [looks of curiosity from Max and 99 toward Maxine and Parker]

Parker: [annoyed] [to Zach] It means I’ll have to hide my activities dealing with CONTROL, Smart. It also means your bachelor party is on hold until she leaves.

Zach: WHAT?

Parker: [sarcastically] So now you’re interested in my little problem?

99: Austin, are you absolutely sure she’s coming today?

Parker: Yes. I found out about it last night, at a party hosted by my parents’ friends. And I got a call before I left home that she’ll be arriving at precisely ten o’clock.

Max: [looks at watch] That’s 20 minutes from now.

Tracie: Shouldn’t you be at the airport?

Parker: Well…[smiling] [looking at Max] that’s why I’m here. I’m hoping I have some busy work waiting for me.

Max: [annoyed] Parker, go pick up your aunt from the airport, drop her off at her hotel, and be back here by eleven.

Parker: Why?

Max: Because I need you to do something for me in the lab. Now go.

Parker: Are you sure I can’t do the thing right now?

Max: [annoyed] Parker, get out of my office.

Parker: Yes, sir. [leaves]

Max: I’m glad you guys are here. I have a job for you.

Zach: Oh boy!

Max: I’m glad you’re enthusiastic, Junior, cause this could possibly be a very dangerous case.

Zach: Don’t worry, Pop. Danger’s my middle name. [Maxine rolls her eyes]

Max: Good. Look, KAOS has…

Zach: Wait a minute, Pop. I’m sure this is of top national security.

Max: Yes, and I know what you’re going to ask, Zach. We can’t use the Cone of Silence.

Zach: But why?

Max: Zachary, first of all, there’s five of us. And secondly…there’s five of us.

Zach: [sad] But we never get to use the cone of silence any more.

Maxine: Thankfully.

Zach: And besides, a lot of things have been leaking out of CONTROL headquarters and…

Max: I know all of this, Zachary…

99: Max, perhaps we should give the office a going over. Just to make sure nothing’s out of the ordinary.

Max: I already checked, 99.

Maxine: So everything’s fine?

Max: Well yeah, but…

99: Then what’s there to worry about? [Max and Zach look at each other and then at 99]

Zach: Alright, Pop. You were saying?

Max: Well, as you guys know, a lot of stuff has been getting out of here and into the hands of KAOS. And quite frankly, I want to know what’s going on.

Maxine: You think there’s a double agent, Dad?

Tracie: I have a feeling that’s what we’re going to find out.

Max: Bright girl, Tracie. I like that.

Zach: [smiling] That’s why I’m marrying her, Pop.

Maxine: So where do we start first, Daddy?

Max: Well, I want to wait ‘til Parker comes back. I’m thinking of beefing up security. Hey, listen, gang. The four of you, plus Austin, are the only people I want knowing about this. The last thing I need is a double agent to contend with, assuming that’s what we’re dealing with. Got that?

Tracie: We understand, Chief. [everyone nods]

Max: All we got to do is wait for Austin to come back.

The scene changes to the Washington Airport. Austin was waiting at Gate 12, looking at his watch the whole time. Finally, passengers emerged from the plane and Austin saw his aunt.

Nancy: [embracing him] Austin, darling! How good to see you again! Let me look at you. [looks at him] Handsome as ever I see.

Austin: Thank you, Aunt Nancy. Well, come on let’s go now. I hate to rush, but I’m due back at work at eleven. [starts to walk to the door]

Nancy: Oh Austin. I hope you’re not putting any stress on yourself. I know how hectic a doctor’s life can be. Always putting your life on the line. Always making sure that your procedures don’t injure anyone.

Austin: That’s…putting it mildly, Aunt Nance.

The two made their way to Austin’s ride, when Nancy stopped and looked in horror.

Nancy: You must be joking! Austin, you actually expect me…ME…of all people to ride…a…motorcycle?

Austin: Aunt Nancy, please. I have an extra helmet.

Nancy: Oh Austin. [getting on back of bike] Is this what happens when you live in a…city like this?

They speed off and Austin drops his aunt off at his apartment. He then quickly leaves and heads over to CONTROL. He gets to the labs and finds Max, Zach, and Tracie waiting for him.

Austin: Sorry, I’m late, guys. I had to pick my aunt up.

Tracie: Are you showing her around the city later, Austin?

Austin: Tonight? I hadn’t really planned on it. I actually have other plans tonight.

Zach: Is tonight Wednesday already?

Austin: [annoyed] Shut up, Smart.

Max: Austin, look. I’m sure you’ve heard about leaks in CONTROL.

Austin: Yes, sir. I figured that’s why you wanted to see me.

Max: Good. Then you know everything in CONTROL has got to be monitored in case of a double agent.

Austin: Already taken the liberty, Chief. If you three will follow me.

Austin led the trio out the lab and over to the high security meeting room.

Austin: If you see here, we’re on the other side of meeting room.

Zach: Yeah, so.

Austin: On the opposite side is the other entrance to CONTROL headquarters. I merely put a nice little invisible wall there.

Max: Yeah?

Austin: Just a little something I did last night, Chief. It’s up now. It’ll prevent anyone from getting in that room and coming back this way to the lab and record department.

Tracie: Austin, that’s incredible!

Austin: Yes, I know. Follow me back to the lab and I’ll show you some more stuff.

The quartet head back into the lab, just as the phone starts ringing.

Max: I’ll get that, Austin. It’s probably for me.

Austin: It’s the beaker this week, Chief.

Max nods and picks up a beaker from the counter.

Max: Hello? [not hearing anything] [phone still ringing] Hey Austin, what’s wrong with this beaker phone?

Austin: [dryly] It could be you’re using the wrong beaker.

Max: [annoyed] I knew that. [picks up right beaker] Hello? Yes, Henderson, he’s here. [to Austin] It’s for you. [hands over phone]

Austin: [on phone] Yes, Henderson. [pause] She’s what?! Hold on! I’ll be right there! [hangs up] [starts to leave in a hurry]

Zach: Hey, where’re you going?

Austin: I’ll be right back!

Austin quickly leaves the lab ~ with the others in confusion ~ and rushes outside to the parking garage. Before he even gets to the front gate, he can hear a loud argument between a man and woman and he had a very bad feeling as to those two were. Just as he suspected, he reached the gate to find Henderson, the guard at the time, and his Aunt Nancy in a heated argument.

Henderson: I told you, ma’am, unless you have authorized identification, I can’t let you in.

Nancy: Do you know who I am? I am Nancy Parker Beauraguard, from the Maine Beauraguards. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what kind of line of people I come from.

Henderson: [confused] A line of annoying people? [evil look from Nancy]

Austin: Aunt Nancy!

Nancy: Austin! Will you kindly tell this…gentleman, and I do use the term loosely…who I am.

Austin: Aunt Nancy, what are you doing here? How did you get here?

Nancy: I followed you, of course! I want to know what kind of place my nephew is working in.

Austin: Aunt Nancy, you can’t come in here! This is a government building!

Nancy: A government building? Austin, are you in some sort of trouble?

Austin: Aunt Nancy, I work here.

Nancy: [looking around] You work…here? What kind of work is it you do?

Austin: I…I…I can’t really tell you that. Look, [putting arm around shoulder and leading her to cab nearby] without revealing too much, this is a…a…radioactive facility. I’m doing…research to help the people inside. It’s like a…radioactive hospital. Government hospital. Government radioactive hospital.

Nancy: Oh, I see.

Austin: [helping her into taxi] Look, we’ll talk more about this when I come home, okay? [closing door] Bye bye, Aunt Nancy. [to driver] Drive!

Austin watched as the taxi drove away, with his aunt in the backseat. Before she had even gotten there, Austin knew this was going to be a tough week ahead.






Setting: Austin’s apartment house. After working on different devices to shield CONTROL from anymore leaks, Austin was coming home to hopefully get some rest before his dinner date with Maxine that night. He, Zach, and the girls were going on a double date to dinner and probably a movie, but first, all Austin wanted to do was get some sleep before he had to get dressed. He had just opened the door, when he stared at his apartment in confusion. Everything had been rearranged from what he had it. He closed the door, still in utter confusion as to what happened. Finally, his aunt came downstairs.

Nancy: I thought that was you.

Austin: Aunt Nancy…what happened to my apartment?

Nancy: I rearranged it.

Austin: Why?

Nancy: Austin, really. You had so much…junk is the only word I can think of to describe everything…so I tidied up a bit.

Austin: But…I…had certain things that…

Nancy: Oh, those papers and things I put somewhere in your bedroom. Out of sight, out of mind, as I always say.

Austin: Yes…but…there were other things…

Nancy: Austin, you must not be safe here.

Austin: Why do you say that?

Nancy: Well, I found guns and knives and things scattered all over the apartment. Are you living in fear?

Austin: No I…I just…like collecting weapon memorabilia. Speaking of which, what did you do…?

Nancy: Oh, I throw all that stuff out. A respectable doctor like yourself doesn’t need guns and knives and other violent things. What will people think of you and another thing…

Austin: [confused and annoyed at the time] Yes?

Nancy: I found some…things…is there something you’re not telling me?

Austin: Something I’m not telling you? Such as…?

Nancy: Well, as I said I found some…things…when I was doing your laundry and…

Nancy goes over to a table and picks up a pair of matching black, lacey bra and panties. Austin instantly becomes very embarrassed.

Austin: [embarrassed] I…I…I can explain that.

Nancy: Austin, you’re not…

Austin: NO! No, no…I…um…I can explain that.

Nancy: Cause, I mean, if you are…

Austin: No, no! You see…you see…um…a couple of tenants get together and have…um… laundry days. You see, we…um…pull our money together and one of us does the laundry and I guess that…that…that…that doesn’t belong to me. [laughing nervously]

Nancy: Okay, then. [pause] Are you sure you’re not…?

Austin: No…I mean yes! No, I mean no…I mean…I’m not. I…I…I assure you, I’m…I’m… I’m…I’m not. I mean…[laughing nervously] I’m not. [calmly] If you’ll excuse me, Aunt Nance, I think…I think I’m gonna go lay down for a while. I’m seem to have gotten a…a large headache.

Nancy: Anything I can do?

Austin: [under his breath] Go home.

Nancy: What was that?

Austin: I said, I’ll find some…aspirin, that is. For this headache I have.

Austin dragged himself upstairs, went to the bedroom, and plopped down on his bed. He rested his head on folded arms and it looked like he would be drifting off to sleep…until he noticed something. These were not his sheets on the bed. They were satiny and very… playboyish, something he certainly was not.

He gave an annoyed sigh before putting his head back down and falling asleep. It felt like he had only been asleep for five minutes when Austin awoke, but looking at his clock, he saw that he only had thirty minutes to dress before going out on his dinner date. He quickly sprung up, took a quick shower, and got dressed. He came downstairs refreshed, that is until he saw his aunt making more adjustments to his apartment.

Austin: [annoyed] Aunt Nancy, what are you doing now?

Nancy: Austin, you have some weird things in your apartment. First, guns and knives, then women’s undergarments hidden in your laundry…

Austin: [annoyed] It’s not mine!

Nancy: And next…I’m sitting here at your computer and I go to look for a pencil in the drawer…this laser beam comes from the desk and hits the ceiling. [puts up]

Austin comes down and looks up at the ceiling. Right there, is a small hole where part of his ceiling was…and what used to be part of the Jansen’s rug.

Austin: I hope the Jansens are apologetic.

Nancy: Why? And who are the Jansens?

Austin: They’re the people who are above me…or they had been above me. I hope they still are. I guess I hope they’re still alive…

Nancy: Austin, things are very strange here. Perhaps I should phone your father…

Austin: NO! [stopping her] I mean, no. Why would you want to do that?

Nancy: Austin, something is going on here. Why would you keep a laser in the drawer?

Austin: [thinking] Easy access?

Before he had to explain any further, there was a knock at the door. Saved by the knock, Austin thought. He quickly realized who it might be.

Austin: [opening the door slightly] Yes?

Zach: Are you ready or what?

Austin: [whispering] I can’t talk right now. Give me two minutes to get my aunt out of here. [closes door]

Nancy: Who was that?

Austin: What was what?

Nancy: Not what, who. Who was at the door?

Austin: Oh, it was just…the help. I told them I wouldn’t be needing them tonight.

Nancy: Oh yes you do! [goes to door and opens it] [to trio] Well, get in here. [trio enters] [closes door] You’re a little bit overdressed to be the help, aren’t you?

Zach: The help? [trio looks at Austin, who’s pleading with them to play along] Um…yes…of course. The help. Well, see, Dr. Parker didn’t need us tonight, so we had planned on going to dinner and such.

Nancy: Well, you’ll be needed to tonight. So, what do you do?

Austin: Oh! Well…this is my chauffeur, Zachary and…my cook, Tracie Ann… and…my…housekeeper, Maxine.

Nancy: [to Tracie] Well, don’t just stand there? My nephew and I require a three-course dinner for tonight. We’ll be staying in.

Austin: Oh, but…but…but…

Nancy: No, buts, Austin. Now, I want to get to the bottom of what’s going on here. Or do I have to call your father?

Austin: [backing down] No, ma’am.

Nancy: Good. [to Zach] Zachary, is it? I want you to go to market. We’ll need two lobsters, the finest champagne they have, fruits and vegetables, and maybe some clams or muscles if they have any.

Austin: Aunt Nancy, I have all of that stuff already.

Nancy: Austin, after being here for only a few hours, I’ve come to believe that seeing is definitely not believing. [to Zach] Here’s some money. Well? Get going! You’re just lollygaging around. Get to it!

Zach: [annoyed] Yes, ma’am. [leaves]

Austin: [over by Maxine] [whispering] You know, you need to pick up your laundry.

Maxine: [confused] Huh? Oh. [looks at Austin] OH! You mean your aunt found…[Austin nods] Oh. Does she think that the two of us are…? [Austin shakes his head no]

Austin: No. She thinks that I’m… [Maxine laughs] This is not funny.

Nancy: [to Maixne] You there! You’re the housekeeper, yes?

Maxine: That would seem to be my job title. [looks at Austin]

Nancy: Well, then perhaps you can explain to me why my nephew has guns and knives all around his apartment!

Maxine: [thinking] He collects weapon memorabilia?

Nancy: [grabbing Max by the arm] First and foremost, we’re going to do these windows.

Maxine: [sarcastically] Oh, you’re going to help?

Nancy: Don’t get smart with me, Missy! [pushes her over by window] Do you know who my nephew is? He is DOCTOR Austin Parker, son of business tycoon, Perrell Parker, of the Vermont Parkers. I don’t know why my nephew has settled here in this…[shivers] place, but I assure you, young lady, I’m not the type to just take it. Now here is your rag [tosses her a rag] and here is your bucket of water. [slides over bucket of water] Get to work! [turns back to Austin]

Austin: Aunt Nancy, I don’t think that was very…

Nancy: Quiet, Austin. I imagine you’re too soft with these people. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if that housekeeper was the one planting guns and things all around the house!

Austin: [sighs sadly] It couldn’t possibly get any worse.

Just then the phone rings. Austin goes over, hoping it might be a call from his father, insisting that Nancy must come home immediately. That put a slight smile on his face.

Austin: Hello? [pause] Oh hi, Chief…[pause] What? Yes, but Chief, I…[pause] Yes, sir. I’ll be down in a minute. [hangs up]

Maxine: Hey, what was that about?

Nancy: None of your business, young lady! You’re here to work, so work! [evil look from Maxine] Who is the Chief?

Austin: Oh, that’s my boss. He’s…he’s the commander in chief.

Nancy: The president?

Austin: No…the…commander in chief of…the army…navy…armed services. This sounds really important, so I have to leave. And please, be nice. [leaves]

Austin left his apartment with a sinking feeling in his stomach. The Chief sounded really mad at him and worse, he was afraid he’d come back home and find his aunt murdered and chopped up into little pieces. It only took Austin five minutes to drive to CONTROL. He quickly went into the Chief’s office and took a seat at the desk.

Austin: You wanted to see me, sir?

Max turned from the TV screen he had been watching and he was not happy. Not happy at all.

Max: [sarcastically] Yes, I wanted to see you! I only have one question and one question only for you, Dr. Parker. Was your aunt on these premises?

Austin: Yes, sir, but I can explain about that and I did give her a story that would make her leave.

Max: Gave her a story, huh? Parker, I want you to watch something.

Max turned around and turned the TV back on. He then moved out of the way so Austin could see. It was the afternoon news, obviously taped from that afternoon. Austin was slightly confused. He looked at Max and then back at the TV screen. Then it happened. The side story of medical news.

Anchor: Today, we bring you the plight of government agencies under a health watch.

The scene goes the entrance of CONTROL and Austin’s aunt talking to reporters. Austin sat with his mouth opened in shock.

Anchor: Earlier today, this woman, a Miss Nancy Parker, informed WJYM about this place. Her nephew, [shows a picture of Austin] Dr. Austin Parker is a lab technician who works here.

Nancy: [on camera] This is where my nephew, Dr. Austin Parker, of the Vermont Parkers, works. He told me, in strict confidence, that this is a government hospital, treating those poor souls with radioactive bodies. [Austin puts his head on the desk and starts pounding it slightly] In fact, it’s so secret, that the guards wouldn’t even let me in today. In fact, I must apologize to them. If I had known the dangerous risk of being contaminated by radioactive waves, I would not have tried to force my way in.

Anchor: Little is known about this research lab and we’re finding out more as we speak. We’ll have more news later tonight. [Max cuts off tv]

Max: [Austin’s about to speak, but stops him] Austin, now whether you intentionally meant to do that, I don’t know, but I can tell you, this does not look good. I just pray, for your sake, the president hasn’t heard about this. [phone rings] CONTROL headquarters, Chief speaking. Oh hi sweet…really. [pause] Yes, I’ve seen it. [pause] Yes, he’s here. [looking at Parker] Really. [pause] He does? Well, I can’t…uh huh. {pause] Uh huh. [pause] Uh huh. Was that all? [pause] Oh, sure. I’ll tell him. Bye. [hangs up]

Austin: Was…that…Mrs. Smart?

Max: Yes…and before I tell you the bad news…here’s the good news.

Austin: [dreading the bad news] And that would be?

Max: 99 and I are behind you a 100% percent.

Austin: That’s good.

Max: For the time being, yes. [look from Austin] Now, for the bad news…

Austin: I’m fired, aren’t I?

Max: You’re not fired. By me, anyways, but you gotta understand how dangerously close your aunt is coming to…destroying us! She’s been here for only a couple of hours and already she’s launched a major plan on destroying CONTROL, not to mention the safety of the United States.

Austin: I know!

Max: Listen, Austin…this might not be so bad. I mean, as long as those reporters aren’t digging through dirt to find the true goal of this building, everything should be okay.

Austin: [taking a deep breath] What did the president say, sir?

Max: [pause] He says you’re fired. Apparently, he did see it. I don’t know what you’re going to do, Austin. I mean, you’ve really put CONTROL in a bad position. Not only does the city know our secret location, but now everyone knows in some part what you’re doing here. But I can’t fire you. I won’t. We need you, Austin. I need you. You’re the bad lab tech I’ve got and…you’re on a case with everybody else. [pause] Look…maybe you could take a rest bit.

Austin: A vacation at a time like this?

Max: It’s a vacation. It’s just the rest of the week off so you can look after your aunt and make sure she’s not causing any more damage than she has.

Austin: [sighing] Is that an order, Chief?

Max: Let’s say it’s an unofficial order. Besides, it beats being fired, right?

Austin: Right. Well, if that’s what has happen…thanks, Chief. [standing]

Max: Keep your aunt out of trouble, Parker.

Austin: Yes, sir. [leaves]

Austin’s day had gone from bad to worse and it was all his aunt’s fault. As he was getting on his bike, he remembered he’d left Zach and the girls alone with her. With any luck, they had finally all snapped and Zach and the girls had killed her and disposed of the body.

Or better yet, had made her leave and she was flying back to Maine as he though this. Austin drove home and reached his door. He was slightly hesitant about opening the door, unaware what he might find, but when he did, he noticed his aunt, sitting at the table, drinking glass of champagne.

Nancy: Well, it’s about time you got back.

Austin: [seeing aunt] You’re alive.

Nancy: [confused] Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I be? Why do you ask?

Austin: No reason. Just making conversation.

Nancy: Well, it certainly took you a long time to get back.

Austin: [looking around] Meeting ran late. Say…where’s…?

Nancy: The help? I sent them all home.

Austin: You did? And…they too were alive?

Nancy: Yes, Austin, of course. You know…I’m starting to see a pattern with you and death. And quite frankly, it’s very scary.

Austin: [smiling] Sorry. Just…just a little hobby. Say, Aunt Nancy, when you left…my work today, where did you go?

Nancy: To the news station. I thought everyone should know about what you were doing for the city.

Austin: [sigh] I was afraid you’d say that. Aunt Nancy, that was a top government facility. Meaning that NO ONE, especially the city, is to know it even exists! And now with your help, who knows who knows about it now. Don’t you see what you’ve done?

Nancy: Well, I’m sorry, Austin. But quite frankly, young man, I’m worried about you and so are your parents! You never write or call them. That’s why I’m here, to see if you’re all right and now I don’t know what to tell you’re father when I get back. He will not be happy knowing his only son is here, playing with guns and knives, dressing in women’s underwear, hiding dangerous weapons all around…you are a Parker, young man. And a Parker always lives up to the name of Parker. And quite frankly, Austin, I don’t think you are. I mean, look where you live…look at the people you hire to clean and cook…it’s very unbecoming.

Austin: [dryly] Are you through?

Nancy: Why, Austin!

Austin: Aunt Nancy, since you arrived, not more than eleven hours ago, you’ve insulted me, my friends, my work, my apartment, and as of that meeting I had, you’ve also cost me my job. So I’m making a new rule. As long as I’m paying the bills here and I’m the one living here, only I shall talk at any time of the day. Is that clear?

Nancy: Austin, I…

Austin: [angered] Is that perfectly clear?

Nancy: [pause] It’s clear.

Austin: Good. I’m going to bed now. Do not touch anything, do not drink anything, do not move anything, do not tamper with anything in this room or surrounding area. Got that? [Nancy nods] Good. Good night, Aunt Nancy.

Austin once again dragged himself off to bed and then fell asleep. Austin awoke the next morning to the sun shining in his eyes and birds chirping. He felt slightly guilty for what he had said to his aunt the night before…it was just an act of rage that had come out. He went downstairs to look for her, but couldn’t find her. Maybe she left, he thought.

Without thinking, a smile came across his face. He still felt guilty, but….she was gone. Austin sighed a sigh of relief. Now, at least he could get his job back. Maybe. Well, he thought. No use crying over spilled milk. He went back upstairs and decided he’d get some work done up there. He was looking for some paper work in his closet, when he heard the door open. He rushed downstairs to see who it could be.

Austin: [surprised] Aunt Nancy! You’re still here!

Nancy: Of course, I’m still here.

Austin: [disappointed] You’re still here.

Nancy: You sound slightly disappointed.

Austin: No. No…I just…um…you remember those papers you moved yesterday? Where did you put them?

Nancy: Oh, they had been in the closet, but that nice Mr. Henderson came and got them today. You know, he’s such a sweet man. I really misjudged him yesterday.

Austin: [distracted] Right. Papers, Henderson, got it.

Austin trudges back up for some rest, when something occurs to him. He quickly rushes back to the stairs.

Austin: Did you say Henderson came and got them today?

Nancy: Yes, this morning as a matter of fact, while you were sleeping. He said they were needed at work. Why?

Austin: [thinking] Nothing. Nothing at all. [runs back upstairs]

Austin runs to his room and quickly calls CONTROL. The first person to answer was Maxine.

Maxine: CONTROL headquarters, Agent 24 speaking.

Austin: Max, it’s Austin.

Maxine: [sarcastically] Why, Dr. Parker. What a surprise. Something you needed, sir? Windows washed? Laundry laundered? Or perhaps I could sing you a song of sorts.

Austin: Maxine, this no time to kid! Did the Chief want those papers on the Rogers Project today?

Maxine: I don’t think so. If he did, he’d certainly send me or Zach over to get them. Why?

Austin: Interesting, very interesting. One more question, do you know where Henderson is right now?

Maxine: I do know that. He called in sick this morning. Why?

Austin: I think I’ve found our double agent. Tell the Chief to meet me at Henderson’s house. And tell him it’s urgent!

Austin quickly got dressed and bolted out of the door, without so much as a goodbye to his aunt. Austin quickly made his way over to Jeff Henderson’s house to get a few answers.

Henderson: [opening door] Hi, Austin. What a…

Austin: [pushing his way in] Can it. I just figured out what you’ve been up to.

Henderson: Excuse me?

Austin: It was so simple. I can’t believe it never donned on me before.

Henderson: What’re you talking about?

Austin: You sir, are a double agent.

Henderson: You must be joking.

Austin: Am I? That’s why it was so easy for you to get stuff in and out of the building. You were guarding half the time and as an agent of CONTROL, you were able to come and go as you please. And me being the fall guy.

Henderson: I beg your pardon?

Austin: Here I am, building and thinking and thinking and building, when all the while, you’re walking in and out with stuff all the time. Things just got better when my aunt showed up the first time and then again with a TV camera and crew. You must’ve known I’d be suspended, meaning there’d be no one to stop you.

Henderson: Austin, I think you’ve been working too hard. Either that or watching too much TV.

Austin: Too bad for you, though. Cause I have a witness.

Just then, the door opened and there was Nancy.

Nancy: Excuse me, but is this…Oh, Mr. Henderson! How nice to see you! And what a lovely house!

The two men looked at each other, seemingly knowing what the other was thinking. Henderson grabbed Nancy and removed a gun from his robe.

Nancy: [shocked] Mr. Henderson, what…

Henderson: Shut up! [to Austin] Bright boy, Dr. Parker. As you explained, I had everything going for me. While everyone was searching right and left, I was stealing plans like they were candy. But you are right. I do have a witness. And as I’m sure you can figure, your aunt is coming with me. Now the only question is, should I let you live or kill you?

Just then a shot rang out. The bullet hit Henderson in the back of the leg, causing him to fall to the floor in pain. Austin grabbed the gun and looked at the door to see Max, gun in hand coming up the walkway.

Max: Austin, you alright?

Austin: Yes, Chief. Henderson is our double agent.

Nancy: Austin, just what is going on here? [to Max] Who are you? Why did you shoot Mr. Henderson? [between both men] What is this…double agent you keeping talking about?

Austin: [over his aunt’s ranting] This is my aunt.

Max: You know, I had been aiming for the door jam, in hopes that Henderson would freak and maybe graze her.

Austin: Missed it by that much. [holds up fingers]






Setting: The office of Chief Maxwell Smart. The gang stood before the desk to hear some really great news.

Max: Well, everyone will be happy to know that former CONTROL agent Henderson is sitting comfortably in jail and…[to Austin] you get your job back. [everyone claps]

Austin: That’s big, but I have even bigger news. [smiling] My aunt went back to Maine. [Zach and the girls cheer and clap]

99: I hope you apologized to your aunt for the things you said, Austin.

Austin: I did, but I don’t think she believes me. And I do believe she plans on telling my parents all the things that happened here.

Tracie: I certainly hope you won’t be getting into any trouble.

Austin: Probably not, but I’m sure there’ll be talk when I go back for Christmas.

Zach: That sounds like a lousy way to spend a holiday. Especially Christmas.

Austin: [agreeing] There will be no joy to my world this Christmas.