SETTING: The Spanish Queen Riverboat. Aboard are some of KAOS ‘s biggest names in crime and badness. It was the welcome home party for super KAOS agent Carlos Monteverde and everyone was enjoying themselves. Monteverde sat in the ship’s office, going over some paper work. He had just gotten back in town after a big bank heist in South America. Monteverde wouldn’t rest in peace though. He was almost sure CONTROL knew that he was back in town. His assistant, Pacho came in.
Pacho: Monteverde, everyone at the party is wondering about you. Why are you not dancing with the girls?
Monteverde: Because Pacho, I worry. CONTROL has by now gotten word that I am here in this country. They will no doubt send someone to stop my plans.
Pacho: Who do you think they will send in?
Monteverde: I don’t know.
Pacho: CONTROL ‘s best female agents have already been dispatched to you over the years.
Monteverde: Yes and I know every one of their faces.
Pacho: I hope they send Agent 66. She’s very attractive.
Monteverde: Yes and very engaged to that idiot Zachary Smart.
Pacho: The son of Maxwell Smart, the Chief of CONTROL?
Monteverde: With Agent 66 going to be his future daughter-in-law, I doubt he’ll assign her.
Pacho: What about his daughter, Maxine Smart? I really like her.
Monteverde: So do I, Pacho; I still write to her. Anyway Pacho, it doesn’t matter. No woman is resistant to my charms.
Pacho: What are your plans this year, Monteverde?
Monteverde: No one suspects I’m a KAOS agent, Pacho. I was just invited to the President’s ball next week. While everyone dances and mingles downstairs, I will go upstairs, grab the government payroll he keeps in the safe in his office and kill the President. Then I will take a back way out and rejoin the party. When the news comes across, I will be the first to comfort the ladies and then make my exit.
Pacho: Monteverde, that is a brilliant plan!
Monteverde: Yes, Pacho. There’s only one problem.
Pacho: What’s that?
Monteverde: What do I wear?
THE OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!
SETTING: CONTROL headquarters. The office of Chief Maxwell Smart. Max had called everyone in TS in to his office to discuss the arrival of Carlos Monteverde and to get someone to take the case.
Zach: What’s up, Pop?
Max: Carlos Monteverde is back in town. [oh no’s come from the girls] He arrived last week. We thought he might be coming back here, but we weren’t sure until we got word from the boat he was on.
Parker: We had an agent on Monteverde’s boat?
Max: Sort of. We had an agent UNDER Monteverde’s boat. Anyways, I just got word the President just invited him to the ball this Friday.
Zach: What! Dad, if Carlos Monteverde is a super KAOS spy, why invite him to a fancy get together with the President?
Max: Because not everyone knows Monteverde is a KAOS agent. This is why this party is perfect. If we can get a female agent close enough to him, he might let his guard down and we can expose him as the fake he is. There’s only one problem.
Maxine: What to wear? Tracie and I were talking about that earlier.
Max: That’s not it. You see…[hesitant] you see, girls, all the other female agents are on cases right now and well, it looks like the two of you are the only women agents…only wonderful…BEAUTIFUL women agents I can spare right now…
Max: I haven’t even asked a question yet!
Tracie: You’re trying to get us to take the Monteverde case. Well, forget it, Chief! After the last time, be glad I’ll be Mrs. Zachary Smart in a couple of months and not Mrs. Carlos Monteverde.
Maxine: Count me out of it too, Dad. The last time I tangled with him, I was halfway on my way around the world with him. [pauses] I still get letters.
Max: But if I don’t have a female agent for this case, he’ll get away.
Tracie: Sorry, Chief. I’m getting married next month and I don’t think my future husband would want me to flirt with another man.
Zach: From my point of view, Dad, no I wouldn’t.
Max: Fine. Desert me. [looks at 99]
99: Don’t even think about it.
Max: [huffs} Fine. Any bright ideas, ladies?
Maxine: How bout this? Get one of the male agents to do it.
Tracie: Hey, yeah! We always have to dress up as men, let one of the male agents swing it as a woman for once.
Zach: [laughs] You’d have to get a pretty stupid guy to fall for that! [laughs]
As Zach laughs, everyone seems to take a very good look at our Zachary Smart. Zach’s laughter starts to die down as he sees everyone look at him. He then abruptly stops.
Zach: No. Absolutely not. Forget it!
Max: Zach, help your father out.
Zach: No. Do you know what you’re asking me to do? Well, of course you do or you wouldn’t ask! No, Dad, this…this is crazy.
Max: I’ll give you a raise.
Zach: Haha! Money will not work in this case! I’m sorry, Dad, but even for money…I won’t do this. I won’t. Forget it.
Max: I’ll make it a big raise.
Zach: No! I’m not wearing a dress, I’m not wearing heels, I am not going to be a woman! And that’s final!
The scene switches to Maxine and 66’s apartment. They’re upstairs in Max’s closet looking for something.
Maxine: Zach, what color dress do you want?
Zachary Smart was tied and gagged to a chair, forced to make a dress decision!
SETTING: Two days before the President’s ball. Max and Parker stood in the CONTROL lab, looking over devices Zach could use.
Parker: Chief, are we waiting for everyone to get here?
Max: Yes and no. As long as Zach’s here, we don’t need to wait for everyone.
Zach soon came down the stairs, passes identification check, and walked thorugh the door of the lab.
Zach: [looking past Max] Hello, Austin. [to Max] Chief.
Max: [sarcastically] I’m glad you’re not bitter about this anymore, Junior.
Zach: I’m sorry, sir, but I can not talk to you at this moment in time. [to Parker] You wanted to see me, Dr. Parker.
Parker: Yes, I wanted to show you the latest devices me and the boys cooked up for your…[pauses] night of dinner and dancing at the President’s ball Friday.
Zach: Yes, against my will I won’t be going with my fiancée, if she’s still my fiancée after Friday night. [looks at Max]
Parker: If you look at this watch, Smart, you’ll see it’s a cleverly disguised communication device. Just press the button on the side to talk and release it to receive. This right here, is the lipstick telescope. I’m sure you know how it works. Tracie’s letting you borrow hers. Do you know what to do just in case Monteverde starts getting a little fresh?
Zach: Yes. Deck him.
Parker: Let’s be a bit more coy and sensitive about it. [picks up a small packet] Give him these.
Zach: [shocked] Suicide pills? Couldn’t I just deck him?
Parker: They’re not suicide pills. They’re knock out drops. Oh and by the way, you’re to pick up a packet of suicide pills at the weapons warehouse. New flavor this month. Gravin’ Grape.
Zach: Do you think I’ll need suicide pills for this case?
Max: Monteverde may be a ladies man, but he’s also a deadly killer. If he finds out you’re a CONTROL agent, he might torture you. If he finds out you’re a man, he’ll kill you. Remember Agent 41? He was found toothless, hairless, and…[pause] Well, let’s just say he was less of a man after the ordeal.
Zach: [shocked] Dad, you gotta take me off this case! I’d like to have a honeymoon if you don’t mind!
Max: Zach, don’t worry. We’re all going to the ball, so we’ll be able to keep our eyes on you. And besides that, we’ve got agents covering every exit and entrance in the whole ballroom. You have nothing to worry about.
Zach: Well…[hesitant] Alright, Pop. If you say I’ll be all right, I will. But as soon as he starts getting cheeky, you’ve lost this girl for good.
Max: That’s my boy! [slightly confused] We got word that Monteverde is definitely up to something and he’s planning on pulling something at this ball. You need to be on your guard at all times, Zach. Don’t let the fact that you’re wearing dress effect your skills as an agent.
Zach: That I can promise you, Pop.
Max: You’ll be in danger at every waking second, minute, and hour.
Zach: [gazes into camera] And…loving it. [to Parker] I’ll get Trace to stop down and pick up my supplies. [looks at watch] Now, if you’ll excuse me…I have a dress fitting in half an hour.
Friday came quickly and Tracie, Max, 99, and Parker were going over last minute details for the ball that night.
Parker: We’re meeting at the house correct?
99: Right, Austin. 7:30pm tonight. Zach’s getting dressed at the house.
Tracie: Chief, did you know Monteverde was given a special pass from the president to go anywhere at the ball he wants to, including the upstairs offices?
Max: [shocked] No. I didn’t know that. [taking the folder Tracie was reading] [reading] Is the president crazy? Letting Monteverde go anywhere he pleases could jeopardize our government as we speak, not to mention what it will do to the world.
99: Didn’t you say not everyone knows his a KAOS agent?
Parker: It’ll be a bigger test than anything to get people to believe that.
Tracie: Chief, what are we going to do?
Max: Very simple. We just gotta make sure Zach spends every waking moment with that man. Speaking of Zach, where is he?
Parker: He’s downstairs in the weapons warehouse. He said he’s boobytrapping his body.
Tracie: Austin, could you please not say that? Don’t forget, his fiancée is standing in this very room.
Max: Tracie, don’t worry. Would you rather have Zach getting all prettied up for a woman?
Tracie: [looking at Max] Chief, think about what you’re having Zach do. He’s getting dressed up in a ball gown and having a night out with another man and you think I’d mind Zach going out with an another WOMAN? Chief, I’m disturbed at the fact that Zach’s going out tonight with Carlos Monteverde and I’ll have to watch this guy come on to my fiancée!
Parker: She’s right, Chief.
Max: [annoyed] [to Austin] [sarcastically] Thank you, Dr. Parker, for your helpful insight. [to Tracie] Don’t worry. Zach’ll be fine. I’m more interested in finding out why Monteverde is getting the star treatment at this party. [looks at 99]
99: [nods knowingly] On my way. [leaves]
Parker: Chief, how are we to proceed at the party tonight?
Max: I’ll explain at the house. Look gang, don’t worry about it. We’ve got everything in the bag.
Meanwhile, the scene changes to a posh hotel, where Monteverde is picking out his clothes for the evening. Pacho comes in with a note in his hand.
Pacho: [handing note to Monteverde] This came for you, Monteverde.
Monteverde: [reading] It’s just as I suspected. The Chief of CONTROL has learned of my arrival in America. He’ll most certainly be at the party tonight.
Pacho: As well as the rest of Team Smart. How’re you going to fend them off in order to get to the president?
Monteverde: Leave that to me. Just make sure you and the boys know what you’re doing. I don’t want anything to go wrong. I’ve planned everything down to the last second. The United States will forever remember the name Monteverde
SETTING: The home of Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart. Austin and Tracie were just now arriving, while 99 and Maxine were upstairs with Zach.
Parker: It’s certainly going to be a wonderful night, Chief.
Tracie: [sulking] You wouldn’t say that if your future husband was going with some other man. [shudders] Just the thought is evil.
Max: Trace, will you stop worrying? Now, you know, if you and Max had agreed to do this, Zach wouldn’t have had to.
Parker: Then you’d have a raving lunatic on your hands, Chief. You know how Zach gets when he’s jealous.
99: [coming downstairs] It’s one of the bad habits he inherited from his father. [dirty look from Max] [kisses him on the cheek]
Parker: [smiling] Wow, Mrs. Smart. [looking at her] I guess this is another instance of your everyday beauty. [dirty look from Max]
Max: Are you hitting on my wife, Parker?
Parker: [scared] No.
99: [hits Max on arm] [to Austin][smiling] Thank you, Austin.
Tracie: Don’t you think 99 looks great tonight, Chief?
Max: [glancing at 99] Yeah, she’s alright. [look from 99] [kisses her on cheek]
Maxine comes downstairs, dressed as lovely as 99.
Parker: [looking at Maxine] Wow. I see your picking up all your mother’s good habits, most notably, a stunning beauty.
Maxine: [blushing] Thank you, Dr. Parker. [look from Max]
Austin stares dreamily at Maxine, before noticing the cold and evil stare he’s getting from Max.
Parker: [to Max] I know. Stop hitting on the female members of the Smart family.
Max: [to Maxine] Where’s your brother?
Maxine: He’s upstairs. [calling upstairs] Zach? Come on!
Zach: [from upstairs] I’m not going.
Maxine: [calling] Oh come on! You look fine!
Zach: [from upstairs] I don’t care! I’m not coming downstairs!
Max: Zachary Thomas Smart, you get down here or you’re fired! [pause] [to everyone] That would’ve gotten him down here by now.
Zach: Go ahead!
Max: [annoyed] [to Tracie] Will you get him down here, please?
Tracie: But Chief…
Max: Get him down here!
Tracie: [calling upstairs] Zach? Zachy, you don’t even wanna come down and see me?
Zach: You’ll laugh.
Max: We will not laugh.
Zach gathers his courage and comes down the stairs. In truth, he looked pretty good as a woman. The girls and Austin held back some laughter, while Max stared at his son…who was now his daughter. Zach stood watching everyone, before turning around.
Zach: I knew it! I’m going back upstairs.
99: [pulling Zach back] No, Zach. You look fine. You really do. Don’t you think so, Max?
Max: [staring] You’re a little tall to be a woman, don’t you think?
Zach: [hurt] Thanks a lot, Dad. Make me self-conscious.
Tracie: [hugging him] Well, I think you look beautiful, sweetie.
Zach smiles and goes to kiss Tracie, when Max stops them.
Max: That’ll be enough of that. That ends right here. The last thing we want are people giving us strange looks.
Everyone, but Max seems to think that last comment as an oxy-moronic statement. Soon, the group leave and Max fills them in as they arrive at the President’s Ball. Austin escorted Maxine and Tracie through the door, followed by Max, escorting 99 and Zach. The three walk down the stairs, but not before Zach slips and regains his balance.
Zach: [grumbling] How do you women walk in these things!?
The group found a table near the dance floor and started searching for Monteverde.
Max: Now, remember Zach, you’re my niece from Virginia.
Zach: I know that, Pop. I haven’t forgotten. I know exactly what I’m here for.
Just then, the table was joined by none other than Carlos Monteverde.
Monteverde: Well, Chief of CONTROL. I heard you might be here.
Max: Carlos Monteverde. I had heard you’d be coming back this way. Tell me, what brings you to Washington?
Monteverde: [eyeing the girls] [to Max] Business as always, Mr. Smart. [to girls] Good to see you again, ladies.
99: [sarcastically] Sorry, we can’t say the same.
Monteverde: Maxine, I see you still hold your mother’s beauty. Tell me, did you get my last letter? [Maxine shudders] Tracie, I hear you’re engaged to be married. What a pity.
Tracie: Not really. I’m engaged to a wonderful man, who’s sweet and kind and on the side of righteousness. [Zach smiles]
Monteverde: So I’ve heard. Zachary Smart, isn’t it? [Tracie nods] [looks around] I’m surprised he is not here tonight.
Tracie: Oh, he’s around. You’ll definitely be seeing him. [dirty look from Max]
Monteverde: Really, Tracie, darling. What does this Zachary Smart have that I don’t?
Tracie: A lot of things, but first and foremost, he has me.
Monteverde sighs and was about to leave, before he spotted Zach in drag.
Monteverde: [eyeing Zach] And who is this entrancing flower?
Max: This is my niece from Virginia.
Zach: [with a womanly southern accent] How do you do? I’m Zoandra Marie Smart. I’m Max’s niece. But you can call me Zoey.
Monteverde: Zoey, [kissing her hand] what a beautiful name. [hearing music] Would you like to dance?
Zach: Oh no, I couldn’t possibly…
Max: She’d love to. [dirty look from Zach]
Zach: [to MV, but looking at Max] Oh my yes. Yes, I would. Thank you for asking.
Monteverde heads for the dance floor, but not before grabbing Zach on the rear. Zach stood there, surprised and annoyed.
Zach: Dad…he touched me. Grabbed, I guess would be a more appropriate word…
Max: [standing] Just get on that dance floor and find out what you can about what Monteverde is up to.
Zach: [annoyed] Fine. But I won’t enjoy it.
Tracie: You’d better not!
Zach, as Zoey, reluctantly followed Monteverde on the dance floor.
Monteverde: [dancing] What brings you to Washington, Zoey?
Zach: Why, my Uncle Max, silly. Why are you here?
Monteverde: [twirls Zach] I’m here on business.
Zach: What kind of business?
Monteverde: You are the inquisitive type.
Zach: [fearing MV is on to him] Well, I do like to know things.
Monteverde: [leaning in closer] I hope so. Maybe we can learn things together.
Zach had never been so uncomfortable in his life. Even that time when he was going to be squashed to death or when he was about to be dipped in acid. No, this was certainly the most uncomfortable he’d been in quite sometime. And he had a feeling it was only going to get worse. The dance finished and Monteverde escorted Zach back to the Smart table.
Monteverde: [to Max, but eyeing Zach] Smart, I can see the beauty in your family lies within the women.
Parker: [glancing at the girls] I certainly second that, Senior Monteverde. [dirty look from Max]
Monteverde: [to Zach] I must go mingle for a while, but I’ll be back for another dance.
Zach: [less than excited] oh boy.
Monteverde laughs and starts to leave, but not before grabbing Zach’s butt again.
Zach: Dad…he did it again. I have a list of people who have permission to do that and he is not one of them!
Max: Forget that. Did you find out what he’s doing here?
Zach: Dad! Your son, who is dressed as your daughter, is being manhandled by some creepy old guy and all you care about is this case?? [folds his arms and looks away] God, I’m so insulted. [to Tracie] Hey sweetie. How goes it?
Tracie: Don’t talk to me, you…you…cheater!
Zach: Cheater!? Darling, I would never cheat on you and if I had to, it was all Dad’s fault! [points at Max]
Max: Now, wait a minute! If anyone’s to blame it’s your fiancée and your sister! If they had just done this case…
99: You know, I remember another case where one agent refused to do a case because of morals and I had to do it, against my will, I might add.
Max: Once again, if you had all just done what I told you, none of that would have happened. Do you see what happens when you don’t listen to me? [points to Zach] This. This is what happens. I hope you’re all happy with yourselves.
Monteverde soon turns tail and comes back to the Smart table.
Zach: [whining] Oh no, here he comes again.
Monteverde: [to Zach] I came back, flower. Shall we dance?
Zach: [girlish laugh] You know, I don’t think…
Max: She couldn’t have it anyone other way.
Zach: [gives Max a dirty look] Wouldn’t I?
Max: [gives Zach a dirty look in return] No, you wouldn’t.
Zach: [gives Max another dirty look] No. I wouldn’t. Let’s boogie.
Monteverde heads to the dance floor and leaves with his patented grab on Zach’s rear. That did it. Zach takes a swing while Monteverde’s back is turned, but is quickly stopped by Max. Monteverde turns around and looks at them.
Max: [hugging Zach] We’re a very close family. This is my favorite niece.
Zach: [laughs] Oh Uncle Max, [hits Max hard on the arm] I’m your only niece. [Max lets go in pain]
Max: [sarcastically] Have fun on the dance floor.
Zach shots Max an evil look as he’s dragged out to the floor by Monteverde. Max starts to chuckle and turns back around to the table. His smile quickly fades as he sees the look on the other four occupants.
Max: [sitting down] Oh, let him talk back to me and hit me, he’s a hero, but let me dress my son up in drag and I’m the villain! Yeah, I see how the rules are at this table. Let me just remind you all that Carlos Monteverde is here for some reason other than flirting with CONTROL’ s finest women. Now, as long as Zach’s got the man preoccupied, perhaps we could get down to work.
99: [nodding] You’re right, Max. What do you want us to do?
Max: First of all, I need someone to find out why he’s here. [to 99] Did you find out anything about why he’s here?
99: Nothing concrete. He’s on business of some sort and the president invited him to this party.
Max: Hmm…that’s not much to go on. Someone else want to find out?
Parker: I’ll take care of it, Chief.
Max: [sarcastically] As if you really had a choice.
Parker: [sarcastically] Anything to get me away from your girls, huh?
Parker leaves the table to go in search of the answer to Max’s question and to let Max have the girls to himself. Meanwhile, Zach and Monteverde had just finished another dance, when they came back to the table.
Monteverde: [to Max, but checking out Zach] Your niece is an absolute charm, Mr. Smart. I’m sorry I hadn’t met her earlier.
The girls noticed the signs of discomfort from Zach getting more and more prominent, so 99 thought it would be a good idea to relate Max’s plan to Zach somewhere private.
99: [standing] I think we girls should powder our noses really quick.
Girls: Good idea! [also standing]
Tracie: Don’t you want to come with us, Zoey?
Zach: [pause] Yes! Yes, I would! [to Monteverde] I should go powder my nose.
Max: [standing] Sure, ladies. I’m sure Mr. Monteverde and I will sit down and have a nice talk.
The girls, along with Zach, head off in the direction of the restrooms. The girls start to head in, but Zach hangs outside.
Maxine: Are you coming?
Zach: [pointing at the women’s door] You want me to go in there? But that’s the woman’s bathroom!
Maxine: [annoyed] You’re a woman, aren’t you?
Zach: [looks at her] Just what’re you getting at?
Maxine rolls her eyes before taking Zach by the arm and pulling him inside. Zach quickly covered his eyes, while the girls went to the nearby counter to talk.
Zach uncovered his eyes and was expecting to see other women looking at him. Nothing like that, but he did get the shock of his life. The room was larger than what he expected and the walls were pinkish white. He looked to his left and saw a large sectional couch.
Zach: [shock] Girls! [looks at them] There’s a couch in the ladies room!
99: Yes, Zach, we were aware of that. [continuing to the duo] Max thinks we need to keep Monteverde’s attention all night.
Zach, still enthralled with the discovery of the couch, turns to his right and gets an even bigger shock.
Zach: Girls! [looks at them] There’s a big screen tv in the ladies room!
Maxine: [annoyed] Yes, Zach. We were aware of that, too. Will you get over here so we can talk? [back to 99 & Tracie] I think the best course is to peg what Monteverde is up to.
99: Isn’t that what Zach’s for?
Tracie: [defensive] No!
99: Sorry, Trace. [to Zach] Zach, what’re you doing?
Zach: [watching tv] [looks at girls] This big screen tv is hooked up to a satellite. You can get over 250 channels. In the ladies room!
Maxine: [annoyed] Zach, who the hell cares?! Will you just come over here? [back to duo] God, it’s like he’s never been in the ladies room before.
99: What were you saying, Max?
Maxine: I said it was like Zach had never been…
Tracie: She means before that.
Maxine: Oh. I was saying, as sick and wrong as it is, the three of us are gonna have to use our power of femininity to find out what Monteverde’s up to.
99: That’ll sure make Zach happy. [to Zach] Zach?
Zach: [still watching tv] I tell you girls, this is the best ladies restroom I’ve ever been in. Why isn’t the men’s bathroom this cool?
Zach quickly turns the tv off, puts down the remote, and hurries over to the girls.
Zach: Sorry about that. Now what’s the plan to keep me away from that sick pervert out there?
99: The three of us are going to distract him.
Zach: Oh no, girls. I couldn’t let you do that. Besides, this is my case and all and I’m starting to feel like a wimp, not being able to take care of it myself, but…eeww. He’s just so icky.
Tracie: Do you have some other plan that could help?
Zach: Not really. Has anyone found out what he’s here for?
Maxine: Dad has Austin checking that.
Zach: Anything to keep him away from you girls, huh?
99: At any rate, whatever he had planned, he’s certainly behind schedule. He’s been dancing with you all night. He hasn’t had time to pull anything.
Tracie: [sarcastically] So I’ve noticed. I will tell you he’s had plenty of time to come on to my fiancée.
Zach: [smiling] Aw, gee, Tracie. That’s sweet. [rubs her back] Thanks.
99: Well, Zach, you do know your father’s going to make you toughen up with Monteverde in order to find out why he’s here.
Zach: Yeah, I know. [starting to leave w/ girls] But the man’s so icky.
Maxine: Some men are, darlin’.
Zach: I know. Men are such pigs.
SETTING: The President’s Ball. Zach, masquerading as Zoey Smart, Max’s niece from Virginia, was doing his part to find out why super KAOS spy Carlos Monteverde was there in Washington and especially why he was at the President’s Ball. The rest of Team Smart sat at their assigned table, watching as Zach pretended to enjoy whatever Monteverde was saying, much to the cringing of Zach’s fiancée, Agent 66.
Max: [looking at Trace] Trace, is something wrong?
Tracie: [annoyed] No. [pause] Alright. If you must know. My fiancée has danced every dance with Carlos Monteverde and hasn’t even asked me for at least one!
Parker: Well, I’ll dance with you, Tracie. It would be an honor.
Tracie: Aw, Austin, that’s so sweet. [patting his cheek] At least there’s one gentleman at the table. [glances at Max]
Parker: Really, girls. If any one of you lovely ladies would like a dance, my dance card is certainly opened.
Austin barely had the words out of his mouth before noticing Max giving him the evil eye again.
Parker: Mrs. Smart, would you tell him not to do that anymore? [pointing at Max]
Max: I’m not doing anything! [to Austin] Tattletale. [to group] Listen gang, I got a whole new plan to find out what Monteverde’s up to.
Maxine: Maybe we won’t need to. Like Tracie said, he’s been spending all his time with Zach. Whatever he had planned might not even happen.
Just then, Zach and Monteverde come back to the table.
Monteverde: You’re a wonderful dancer, flower. [looks at watch] If you’ll excuse me, I’m late meeting someone.
Max: Hey, wait a minute! You’re leaving so soon? Zoey loves to dance, you know.
Monteverde: I must leave. I am late for an appointment. [Max elbows Zach]
Zach: But…you said I was a lovely dancer. Wouldn’t you just want one more dance? They’re playing our song.
Monteverde: But flower…
Zach: [fighting back tears] You don’t have to. I just thought we were having a lovely time. That’s okay. I know now that…[sniffs] you really don’t love me.
Monteverde: But darling…alright. One more dance. I’ll meet you on the floor.
Zach: [sniffing] Thank you.
Monteverde heads out to the floor and waits for Zach.
Zach: [calm] [to Max] You better appreciate what I’m doing for you.
Max: Yes. Yes, very much indeed. Thank you.
Zach: [starts to leave, but stops] And I’ll be expecting my raise. [leaves]
Max: [stunned] What? [turns back to table] Can you believe…? [sees looks from quartet] Alright, alright. I’ll give him a raise. Provided he does well on this case. Hey! Wait a minute! I got a great idea!
The scene changes back to the dance floor, where Monteverde was twirling Zach around the dance floor.
Zach: Who was it you had ton meet?
Monteverde: If you must know, the president.
Zach: Of the United States?
Monteverde: Yes, flower.
Zach: Wow. You must be a pretty important person to be asked to meet with the president. May I ask what the two of you were going to discuss?
Monteverde: In short, I was going to persuade the president to give me something.
Zach: [intrigued] Really.
Zach finally had hit the nail on the head, though he wasn’t sure exactly what the man was up to, but it was his duty, however sick and wrong and degrading it was, to keep Monteverde from getting his hands near or on the president. When their dance was over, Zach and Monteverde walked back to the Smart table, where Max had a huge smile on his face.
Max: Well, Monteverde, hope the two of you had a good time. Unfortunately, we have to be going.
Monteverde: That is a shame.
Zach: Wait a minute! [to Max] Uncle Max, may I see you over here for a minute?
Zach led Max over to where 99 was standing. He then told his parents what Monteverde had told him. Max and Zach then returned to their spots.
Zach: [to Monteverde] I’ve decided to stay.
Max: Yes, but you’ll need a ride home. [look from Zach]
Zach: [laughing nervously] Uncle Max, when I said I was going to stay, I meant that one of you…
Monteverde: I can give Zoey a ride home. [Zach shakes his head]
Max: Would you? [again Zach shakes his head] In fact, I bet you’re pretty hungry, huh, Zoey?
Zach: [speechless] Well…I guess…I am, I haven’t eaten in a while…
Max: [gesturing to Zach] She’s a pretty big eater, you know.
Zach: [annoyed] [to Max] Well, I’m not a pig!
Monteverde: [to Zach] How rude of me. I shall take you to dinner, flower.
99: What about your appointment, Senior Monteverde?
Monteverde: I shall have one of my associates take care of it. [to Zach] Come on, flower. We will have dinner at my estate. [Zach furiously shakes his head]
Max: What a great idea! We’ll see you later then, Zoey [jokingly] Maybe we shouldn’t wait up. [laughs]
Zach: [giving Max a look] Uncle Max, I can’t believe you’d let me leave here with a strange man!
Max: [looks at MV, then at Zach] Well, that’s awfully rude, Zoey. After all that Senior Monteverde’s done for you tonight and you stand there and call him strange. Now that’s plain rude.
Monteverde: Don’t worry, flower. I promise I won’t do anything. [smiles devilishly]
Max: [in Zach’s ear] If anything happens, call. We’ll be following in the car.
Zach: [annoyed] You’d better. [to Monteverde] Alright. Come on, let’s go.
As Zach and Monteverde start to walk out, TS sees Monteverde give a signal to a man standing in a corner. The man nods and starts to walk over to the staircase.
Max: See that? Max, you and Austin follow him and see where he’s going and what he’s up to. 99, Tracie, and I will follow Zach and Monteverde. If anything happens, call.
Maxine: Right, Chief. Come on, Austin.
The team splits up and go off in their allotted directions. The scene then changes to the estate of Carlos Monteverde. Zach and Monteverde sat on the couch, or rather Zach was escaping Monteverde while on the couch. Just then, three of Monteverde’s associates come in, very excited.
Pacho: Monteverde, we just got word that Maxine Smart and CONTROL have stopped our plans!
Assoc. 1: And that the woman you were with was none other than…[looks at Zach] Smart!
Assoc. 2: Smart!
Monteverde: [looking at Zach] Who are you?
Zach: [removing wig][annoyed] I’m Zachary Smart, you idiot!
Monteverde: [looking at Zach] So you’re Zachary Smart.
Zach: One in the same. If you hadn’t been lusting after me, you would’ve known that, you big perv! Well, in any case, the jig’s up, Monteverde. Now, I just have one question before I put you all under arrest.
Pacho: [withdrawing gun, along with other assoc.] How do you figure that, when we have the guns pointed at you? Or was that your question?
Zach: [sarcastically] For your information, that wasn’t my question at all, Mr. Smartypants.
Monteverde: Enough! You may have stopped my assassination of the president, Mr. Smart, but you’re in my clutches. And Carlos Monteverde is not one to be duped by a man in drag! I shall make sure you and your team never try this again.
Zach looked in horror as Monteverde removed a switchblade and a rather large switchblade from his jacket.
Zach: [shocked] Whoa. I can’t believe I didn’t notice that before.
Zach’s mind went back to what happened to Agent 41 and how Zach really wanted that honeymoon. Monteverde was closing in and Zach felt that he wouldn’t be making it to the altar. And certainly not out of the house.
SETTING: The house of Carlos Monteverde. And he didn’t look happy after finding out that the woman he had been dancing with, the woman who he was falling for and the woman who had derailed his plans to get to the president was none other than Zachary Smart, Agent 78 of CONTROL. Monteverde was closing in on Zach, when a shot rang out, hitting Pacho and causing him to fall backwards. The other two associates were cornered by Max and 99, as they ran to the front door by. Monteverde continued to advance on Zach, but was stopped by Tracie.
Tracie: [gun on Monteverde Drop it. [MV drops knife]
Zach: [to others] It’s about time you got here! The man wouldn’t stop pawing me!
Tracie: [upset] Well, why didn’t you use your knock out drops?
Zach: And resist the urge to deck him?
Max: Well, Monteverde, it looks like CONTROL has finally caught you.
Monteverde: Yes…[looks at Zach] and in a way where I let my guard down. [to Tracie] You certainly have a…one of a kind…fiancée, Ms. Lewis.
Tracie: I told you.
Max: [to CONTROL agents] Take him away, boys. [To MV] You’ll have a fun time in your little prison cell.
Monteverde is lead out by a CONTROL agent, but not without first grabbing Zach’s butt one last time.
Max: [to Zach] Don’t just stand there! Go get him. Don’t let him do that to you.
Zach starts to run after Monteverde, but then stops halfway.
Zach: Damn these heels! [takes heels off and throws them at Monteverde]
The next day, the crew meets up at CONTROL headquarters to discuss the end of Carlos Monteverde.
99: Well, guys, Carlos Monteverde is sitting safely behind bars as we speak.
Parker: Yes. It was very clever of Monteverde to arrange to meet with the president and then kill him. [smiles at Zach] Good thing he was distracted. [dirty look from Zach]
Tracie: I’m just glad this case is over.
Zach: I agree. The sooner Monteverde’s transferred to the state prison, the sooner he can stop writing me. [shivers]
Max: Well, now that this case is over, we can concentrate on other things. Like this Mark Barrel case. I need one of you girls…
Tracie: Sorry, Chief. [holds up hand with ring on it]
Max: [to Maxine] Max…
Maxine: I’d like to, Dad, but I can’t. You already assigned me to a case.
Max: [disappointed] Oh. [looks at 99, with hope]
99: [glancing at him] No.
Max: Oh, come on! I need a woman for this assignment and all the other women agents are on cases too. Who am I gonna get to…[looks at Zach, smiling]
Zach looks around and realizes this is some sad, sick de ja vu thing.
Zach: No. NO! I’m not doing it! Isn’t once enough for you people? Or do you enjoy dressing me up as a woman?!
The end music starts up as Zach is still complaining.
Zach: I think you do! I think you all enjoy dressing me up in weird and strange costumes!
THE ENDING CREDITS TO GET SMART!