Around the Block in Eighty Minutes
Last Time on Get Smart:
The Smart Twins and Conrad Siegfried, Jr. had been kidnapped by unseen villains, while Max, 99, Siegfried and Shtarker thought it was their old enemies.
They soon find out that they aren’t the culprits, but a man named Michael Rosen is and he gives the gang a proposition.
Rosen: You’re going to steal the Black Ruby.
When the crew first declines, Rosen has their kids injected with a suffocating like liquid and thrown into a cell. The crew finally concedes to steal the jewel. When they come back and receive the antidote, Rosen and his gang locks them in the same cell and the group is now faced with moving walls and flooding waters!
THE OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!
Setting: A cave under the Washington National Museum. Inside a locked room stood the Smarts, Conrad Siegfried, Junior and Senior and their henchman, Shtarker. The room they were in was getting smaller, thanks to the side walls closing in on them and the room was quickly turning in to a swimming pool. Max and Siegfried stood at the door, trying to open it.
Maxine: What’re we going to do now?
Zach: The obvious thing is to not panic. Cause as soon as we panic, nothing good will come out of the situation. All we have to do is think of a really good plan and everything will be okay.
Junior: And just how do you propose we think of a really good plan when the walls are closing in on us and the water is rising?
Zach: [looks at him] Now, you see, Junior? You have just disobeyed my first rule and that was not to panic. If you start panicking, then everyone else will start to panic and then we will have seven really panicked people, all because you started the panicking.
Junior: [annoyed] Do you have a plan or not?
Zach: [annoyed] Give me a minute! I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Maxine: Try and make sure it’s actually on the topic of us getting out of here, Zach.
Zach: [looks at Maxine] And what exactly does that mean?
99: [annoyed] Will you stop? Now, will one of the three of you think of something!
Junior: [to 99] Why don’t you think of something? In every situation I’ve ever been in with you, I’ve never seen you think of something.
Zach: [pushing Junior] Hey man! That’s my mom you’re talking about! She can come up with better plans in her sleep! Now you take that back!
Junior: I will not!
The two started a fight until Max turned around to stop them.
Max: This is no time to fight. Either way you look at it, we’re all going to die.
99: [sarcastically] [to Max] You have such a way with words, Max.
Max: [looks at her] [annoyed] I wasn’t finished, 99. [to others] In order to get out here, we have to find a way to stop ONE of our ensuring fates. Now, which one will it be?
Maxine: I say the walls, Dad. The more they close in, the higher the water rises.
Max: Good thinking, Max. Now how are we going to do that?
Maxine: You tell me, father knows best. Got any ideas?
Max: [smirks] Maxwell Smart always has an idea. [pulls out a marker] Do you know what this?
Zach: Yes, Dad. It’s marker and I highly doubt it’s going to absorb the water. Actually, I think it’ll dry the ink out and then you would’ve lost a really good marker.
Junior: [annoyed] Shut up!
Max: Technically, Zachary, you’re right. But seeing as we’re concentrating on the walls now, that idea of yours will not happen. As I was saying, this is Parker’s pole vault marker. Watch.
Max trudged to the center of the room. He took the marker in both hands and pushed a button. Instantly, two metal poles shot out of either end, hitting the moving walls and halting them. Max just stood back and smiled.
99: [smiling] Max, that’s fantastic!
Max: [smiling] [walking back over to the group] I know.
Junior: [skeptical] I have a question for you, Chief of CONTROL. What happens when the walls create a strong push of weight, that your little marker can’t withstand and the walls come closing in again?
Max: [smirks] Ye of little faith. [pulls out a second marker] That’s why I brought two markers. Zach…
Max hands the other marker to Zach, who starts walking over to the door.
Zach gets on the doorknob, pulls himself up and pushes the button on the marker. As before, metal poles shot from the marker and hold the wall above the door. Zach quickly loses his balance and falls into the now knee deep water.
Max: One problem down and one to go.
Junior: I’m way ahead of you, Smart. [takes out a lighter] See this lighter?
99: [sarcastically] Let me guess. That’s really a small vacuum that will suck up all the water in the room.
Junior: [laughs][sarcastically] Oh, Mrs. Smart. If one didn’t have your beauty or brains, they would certainly think you’d be on stage at the Improv. Who else but you would have such perfect timing in comedy skills? [pause] But then again, you did marry the King of Clowns.
Max: [thinking] [to Maxine] He’s talking about me, isn’t he?
Junior walked over to Shtarker, who starts to give him a lift up to the sprinklers overhead.
Junior: This lighter is going to signal help. All I have to do is hold it up under the fire sprinklers and that’ll set off the fire alarm.
Maxine: [looking up at him] That’s good thinking, Conrad.
Junior: [smiling down at her] Thank you, Maxine.
99: Hey, Junior…
Junior: Mrs. Smart, surely you being the intelligent being that you are, would certainly remember to never call me Junior.
99: [annoyed] Whatever. You do realize, I’m sure, that when you set off the fire sprinklers, we’ll be doused in more water.
Junior looked down at her, just as the sprinklers went off, dousing them all in more water. The Smarts give a look to the camera and then slowly look at Junior, who is now standing in their private pool and standing under the sprinkler.
Junior: [embarrassed] Sorry about that.
Zach: Well, I guess one can never be too clean.
Setting: A small cell. The Smarts and the trio from KAOS were still trying to figure a way out of their dangerous and deadly situation. The water had now risen to waist level and the seven adults were trying to keep their wits about them.
99: Oh Max, what’re we going to do?
Max: The important thing is not to panic.
Junior: [annoyed] Well, it’s a bit late for that!
Zach: Hey, if anyone’s to blame for the rise in panic level, it’s you Junior.
Siegfried: Silence! Arguing is not going to help us. What we need is a solid plan that’s going to save us from this water.
Max: Siegfried’s right. We’re losing focus. All we have to do is get a solid, intelligent plan and we’ll all be saved. [pause] So…does anyone have a solid, intelligent plan that will save us all?
Zach: [thinking] Yeah, Pop. I got one.
99: Zach, that’s marvelous! What is it?
Zach: [smiling] It’s fool proof. All we gotta do is find the plug!
Shtarker: [sarcastically] The next time you have an idea, Smart, make sure it’s fool proof from yourself.
Zach: Now, come on you guys. Didn’t occur to any of you that if the water got in here, then it certainly has to come out? I’m sure Rosen doesn’t keep a pool man on salary around here.
99: Hey, Zach’s right. All we have to do is find a plug of some sort.
Max: Hmm. You’re right, 99. [to Zach] Well, you heard your mother. Get going.
Zach: I beg your pardon?
Maxine: Go find that plug!
Zach: Why do I have to do it?
Junior: Cause it was your plan!
Zach: [annoyed] Well, fine! See if I ever think of a plan to your lives again!
Annoyed at this new turn of events, Zach dove under water to find the plug that would certainly save them from this plight. While he was searching, Max got an idea of his own.
Max: Hey look, gang, while Zach’s looking for that plug, we should think of some way of opening that door.
Junior: Leave that to me, Chief of CONTROL. [removes a vile from pocket] I can easily get that door open.
99: [sarcastically] Like you easily made the sprinkle system go off?
Shtarker: It stopped, didn’t it?
Junior: This, my beautiful government official, is Dr. Franz Weiss’ door opener in a jar.
Max: Junior, that’s not a jar.
Junior: [annoyed] I know that! I can’t just go around walking along town with a giant jar in my pocket. It would look strange.
99: [sarcastically] As opposed to dressing in all black in 100 degree weather?
Siegfried: [annoyed] You’re crossing the line, girlie.
Just then, Zach came back up, slightly out of breath.
Zach: I found a plug.
99: That’s great! We’re saved!
Zach: Well…not exactly.
Junior: What do you mean, ‘not exactly’?
Zach: Well, like I said, I found this plug and when I removed it, I saw the water bubbling. So I thought, ‘hey, that’s great. We’re all saved’. Then I realized that, being in this cave and all, we’re slightly over the sewer system, so…
Siegfried: [stopping Zach] Are you saying we’re going to get more water in here?
Zach: Let’s just hope that’s all we get. [everyone groans]
Max: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. All is not lost. We still have that door in a can stuff.
Junior: [correcting him] Door in a jar.
99: More like door in a vile.
Max: [annoyed] Whatever! The point is, if we use that stuff, maybe the weight of the water will open the door and we’ll still be able to get out of here.
99: Max, that’s a wonderful idea!
Max: [smiling] I know. [looking at Junior] Well? What’re you waiting for? Get to work!
Junior gives Max a dirty look, before sloshing through the now chest level river.
Maxine: Be careful, Conrad. [dirty looks from Zach, Max, and 99]
Zach: [sarcastically] It’s good to know where your priorities are, Maxine.
99: [sarcastically] Yeah. Your brother could’ve drowned, but heaven forbid you’d wish him luck.
Max: All for the sake for a date with the head of KAOS.
Maxine: [defensively] One date! I go out with him ONCE and I’m the traitor of the group! Like dating KAOS isn’t in my job description. But let me just add that I am the ONLY one who has never been engaged, nor married to a KAOS agent! [all three get quiet]
Max: You really know how to hurt a guy, Maxine.
Junior stood by the door, using the opener in a vile…jar. When he thought he had the door, he called over to the others.
Junior: Hey, I think I got it! [everyone comes over] All we have to do is push open the door and we should get out of here. [starts
pushing on door]
Zach: Hey, Junior, that’s pretty cool. How’d you do that?
Junior: Oh, well, I just used the door opener in a jar.
Zach: How’s that work?
Junior: You see, the liquid acts as a release to the mechanisms of the lock and it gums up the gears so it’s easier to open the door.
Zach: Oh yeah? How much did you pay for that?
Junior: Well, for a standard KAOS agent, I think it’s like $50 bucks, but I got a discount cause I’m the boss.
Zach: That’s how corporations always work. So, did you get like a half off deal?
Junior: [stops pushing] [to Zach] Sort of, but with tax and everything…
Siegfried: [annoyed] Enough! Conrad, you’re a member of KAOS! We do not have leisurely conversations at inappropriate times here!
Junior: I know. [to everyone else] Help me push against this door.
Zach: [pushing on door] [to Junior] Man, your Dad can be a stickler sometimes.
Junior: Tell me about it.
Siegfried: [annoyed] I heard that, Conrad.
The seven put all of their weight on the door and push. The water level was quickly rising and the pole markers were starting to give way. Finally, the door opened slowly and the room quickly emptied its contents. The seven prisoners stood up and looked at their
surroundings. A quick search found that Rosen and his men were gone.
99: Great. [looking around] What do we do now?
Shtarker: What do you mean, ‘what do we do now’? We do the obvious. We leave.
Max: We can’t leave! We have to get Rosen and that ruby back! Remember? He’s the bad guy?
Zach: Technically, Dad, they’re the bad guys too. [points to KAOS trio]
Junior: He does have a point.
99: [annoyed] Fine! Just forget the fact the man tried to kill us and forced us to steal for him and that he kidnapped our children! Just forget all about that and just go home to your life of evil doing!
The trio looked at 99 before making a drastic decision.
The three men leave, leaving a highly annoyed 99 and a confused family.
99: [very annoyed] That didn’t go as I had planned it.
Zach: [hopeful] I was inspired, Mom.
Maxine: Me, too.
Max: Listen gang, we gotta find Rosen and his goons and make sure they pay for locking us up in a watery tomb.
Zach: That’s a little easier said than done, Pop.
Maxine: All we have to do is look around and find some clues.
Max: Alright. Let’s split up.
The four split up and start going over the room. After about five minutes, Zach finds something.
Zach: [looking at something] Uh oh.
Maxine: Uh oh what?
Zach: [holds up plane ticket cover] Looks like our new friends are making a fast getaway. [passes it over to Max]
Max: Hey, this is an independent airline. [looks at watch] The flight doesn’t leave for another twenty minutes. If we hurry, we can catch them. Come on.
Setting: An airfield. The four Smarts rush out to the field. It was a little airfield that had about three or four planes waiting for take off. Rosen was taking his sweet time getting to his plane, when he heard something behind him.
Max: [gun in hand] Alright, freeze, Rosen!
Rosen: [turns around] Ah, the Smart family. I must say I’m really not all that surprised to see you here.
Maxine: [gun drawn] Shut your cake hole. All you need to do is give us that ruby, then we’ll arrest you.
Rosen: [smiling] How are you going to arrest me, when you’ve got guns in your back.
The Smarts looked at the man in confusion, but soon caught on when each felt a gun in his or her back.
Junior: If you wouldn’t mind, Chief of CONTROL, could you and your family drop your weapons please? Or we’ll be forced to shot you through the back. [Smarts drop their guns] Good. Now get over there with Rosen.
Max: [walking over][annoyed] Of all the low down, sneaky, underhanded…are you telling me the four of you were in this all along?
Siegfried: Not really, Smart. We just figured the ruby was worth more to KAOS then it would be to four dead bodies. [to Rosen] Hand it over. [Rosen hands over ruby]
Maxine: How did you get over here? I thought the three of you took off like the scared chickens you are.
Junior: We figured you’d be leading us to that ruby sooner or later.
99: [sarcastically] Of course. Lying in wait, just like the vultures you are.
Shtarker: Flattery will not save you, Miss 99. Now, all we have to do is kill you and then we’ll be able to take over the world!
Rosen: [laughs] How are you going to take over the world when my guys have guns pointed to your heads?
The bad guys look at Rosen in confusion, but soon caught on when each felt a gun to his head.
Rosen: Now, if you don’t mind, could I have my ruby back? I did steal it fair and square. [Siegfried hands over ruby] And could you stand over by the Smarts, please? [trio go over]
Junior: You have some nerve, Rosen.
Rosen: No, I don’t. I just figure with this ruby, I’ll be one of the power people in this town and I certainly can’t afford to have the factions of good and evil in my way.
99: Oh, not the kill of the heads of each secret fighting organization to start your own trick.
Maxine: That plan is way played out, Rosen.
Max: Can’t you guys bent on world domination ever come up with anything original?
Rosen: [laughs] Don’t worry too much, Mr. Smart. I’ll wait to get the money from selling this jewel before I take over the world. Now, if you’ll excuse me. You’re blocking my path to my flight.
The group part in the middle so Rosen and his men can go through. The bodyguards go first, with Rosen behind them from a distance. He calls to them one last time, before shooting each man and watching as they fall.
Max: [to Rosen] Now, why did you do that?
Rosen: [backing away from them toward the plane] I’m a one-man leader, Mr. Smart. Certainly can’t have people trying to take over the business.
Junior: How true.
Shtarker: What’re you going to do with us?
Rosen: I’m going to kill you, of course.
Max: Listen, Rosen, as long as we’re going to die and all, mind if I have a last cigarette? [pulls pack from inside pocket]
99: [shocked] Max! I thought…
Max: Desperate times call for desperate measures, 99.
Rosen: I don’t see how a last cigarette can hurt. Go ahead, Smart.
Max hits the pack on his hand three times. After the third time, a shot rings out and Rosen falls to the ground. Zach goes over and checks him. He’s dead.
Zach: Dad! How’d you do that?
Max: The old gun in the cigarette pack trick. Been a while since I’ve used it.
99: Oh Max, I was afraid you had started smoking again.
Max: [looking at her] 99, are you crazy? These things are hazardous to your health. They could kill you!
Siegfried: That certainly is a neat weapon, Smart.
Max: Yes, [placing pack back into his pocket] unfortunately, it only shoots one bullet.
Siegfried: In that case, [pulls out gun] hands up, Smart!
Junior: [to Zach] Hand over that ruby!
Zach tosses the ruby that he had taken from Rosen over to Junior.
99: I can’t believe it. After all we’ve done for you, you’d repay us like this.
Junior: You’re right, as always, Mrs. Smart. We’re not going to kill you, not when we’ve got this little gem in our hands. Prepare to be awfully busy at CONTROL. [laughs]
The three start running towards the door and out through the terminal.
Max: Well, come on. Let’s go get them. [quartet head for door]
Zach: You know, Dad, I can’t believe Junior and his retarded squad would do something like this. You think you know a guy…
99: Well, the good thing is, they can’t get very far.
Just then, the Smarts hear a loud crash and the screeching of tires. When they got outside, they soon find out the reason.
Max: [in shock] My car!
The front end of Max’s car was smashed in, the left taillight was smashed and broken and the bumper was lying on the ground.
Zach: Wow, Pop. [pats Max on back, as he cries] Don’t worry, Dad. They’ll pay for this. KAOS is going to need that ruby, cause when they get this car bill…
THE ENDING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!