Ice Station Zero
Setting: A shack in the middle of a snowy capped mountain. Inside, two men are standing at a table talking. As the camera goes in for a closer look, we see an ice wall with two small sections taken out. Through these sections, we see two pairs of binoculars. One of the men inside turns to look out the window and also sees the ice wall and the binoculars. He tells the other men about what he’s found and
they grab their guns and start to shoot.
From behind the wall, two CONTROL agents duck down and flinch as bullets hit their cover place. They are dressed in all white, except for their black boots and black barets. The barets have the numbers 78 and 66 on them.
Zach: Well, at least they didn’t start yelling at us for spying.
66: That’s not comforting, Zach.
The men inside are still shooting. One of the shots flies through Zach’s peek hole and barely misses his head.
66: Zach, we have to destroy that building. Use plan T-19.
Zach pulls out a hand grenade from his bag.
Zach: Your pull or shall I?
66: I think I pulled last time, so it’s your turn.
Zach pulls the pin, stands up and throws it toward the shack. He sits back down and awaits the explosion,
except that he is STILL holding the grenade.
Zach looks up, realizes he still has the grenade, stands up and throws it. He sits back down as the
shack blows up.
Zach and 66 race to their snowmobiles and take off. Soon, two KAOS agents on snowmobiles are right after them. Zach and 66 dodge the mobiles, but can’t shake them. Zach picks up a CB radio receiver and starts to talk.
Zach: This is Agent 78 calling 24! Come in 24!
The scene moves to a clearing in the road where two heavy trucks are waiting. In one truck is Agent 24,
Maxine Smart and in the other is Dr. Austin Parker. Max picks up her radio.
Maxine: Yeah, Zach.
Zach: Get the doors open quick! We’ve got two KAOS goonies on our tail!
Maxine: No prob.!
Maxine signals to Parker to open the back door. We see Zach and 66 still trying to shake the KAOS agents.
They get to the clearing and Zach rides into Max’s truck and 66 into Parker’s. Max and Parker start the engines and head off. The KAOS agents start to follow the trucks and their snowmobiles turn into motorcycles. In the truck, Zach gets off his mobile and enters the front of the cab through a door in front. He then sits down in the passenger side.
Maxine: Can’t I take you anywhere without you causing a scene?
Zach takes out his gun and starts to fire on the motorcycles. In Parker’s truck, 66 does the same thing, firing at the motorcycle chasing them. Zach and 66 each get their motorcyclists and the KAOS agents spin out of control. The trucks head off. The scene changes to a hotel room in the Snowy Mountain Lodge. Pacing back and forth is the Prime Minister of Catalonia. Sitting on the arm of a couch is Chief Maxwell
Smart. Next to him on the couch, reading a magazine, is Agent 99, Mrs. Maxwell Smart.
Max: Stop worrying, Prime Minister. They’ll be here.
PM: I certainly hope so, for your sake, Mr. Smart.
Suddenly, Zach rushes in and slides across the floor, but stops before he hits the wall. He then walks
over to the Prime Minister.
PM: Do you have the papers?
Zach: (reaching in his jacket pocket, pulls out a stack of folded papers.) Right here. (hands them to the PM)
PM: I can’t tell how worried I was.
Zach: There was nothing to worry about. You see, Prime Minister, in the spy game….
The Prime Minister looks at the papers and leaves.
Max: Don’t mind him, Zach.
Zach: I wasn’t finished.
99: Look, Zach, why don’t you come downstairs and have something hot to drink?
Zach: I will, just let me change out of these clothes.
Max and 99 leave. As Zach goes in to his bedroom, a KAOS man lurks outside.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!
SETTING: The lobby of the Snowy Mountain lodge. Off to the side is the front desk and you can see people checking in. In the lobby café, we see people having cups of hot coffee and coca. Team Smart is sitting at a large round table, waiting for Zach to get downstairs. Zach comes running over to the table and sits down. A waiter comes over and Zach orders a cup of coca.
Max: The plans for Ice Station Zero are now safely back in the hands of the Catalonian government.
99: The only problem is we have to find out why KAOS wants those plans so much AND how they got in the hands of KAOS in the first place.
Maxine: Well, Ice Station Zero will allow the Catalonian government to control how cold it gets in their country. With a device like that, KAOS could control the world’s weather!
Zach: Not only could they do that, Max, but they would also be able to control how hard or soft a snowball is.
66: There has to be a double agent behind the walls of Catalonia.
Parker: Well, if there is, how are we going to find that out? The Catalonian government is so protective of its country, the only way to get is to break in. And that’s only if you don’t get caught.
99: Well, I’ve arranged it so we’re all invited to the annual ball tomorrow night at the Catalonian embassy. Upstairs is where they keep their most secretive documents to date.
Max: If there is a double agent in their midst, he’ll have to show up at the ball.
66: Why do you say that?
Zach: What better place to steal governments documents than at a ball?
The team finishes their talk and head back upstairs. Zach gets to his door and stops to talk to 66.
Zach: So, just to be fair, am I taking you to the ball tomorrow night?
66: [smiling] Would you LIKE to take me to the ball tomorrow night?
Zach: Of course I would like to take you to the ball tomorrow night, but first you have to say you want me to take you to the ball tomorrow night, so I can take you to the ball tomorrow night.
66: Well, first you have to ask me.
Zach: [smiling] Will you be my date for the ball tomorrow night?
66: I would love to be your date for the ball.
As Zach starts to open his door, the KAOS agent has his gun with a silencer, drawn and ready to shoot.
Zach opens his door a little more.
Zach: Well, then, should I knock at eight?
The gun man fires and hits the door jam of 66’s hotel room. Zach hears a slight thud and turns around.
He sees the KAOS agent, who’s about to shoot again, and closes the door, just as three more bullets are fired. Hearing a commotion outside, Max and 99 peek out through their door.
Zach: (on the ground holding the door) Okay, who invited a KAOS agent into my room without my permission?
Zach hears the KAOS man coming to the door. He gets up, opens the door, and the KAOS man flies backgrounds
to the ground. The result of the hit causes the man’s gun to fly out of his hand. As the man gets up, Zach hits him and the agent is knocked out. 66 rushes in, followed by the Smarts.
66: Zach, are you all right?
Zach: Yes, but KAOS is going to have a big law suit on their hands for breaking and entering.
After the KAOS man is taken away, Zach stands in his room talking to Max and Maxine.
Zach: Did the man say anything about the ice station?
Max: He didn’t know anything. He was a hired spy.
Maxine: Leave it to KAOS to never send their own spies into a mission.
Max: I wonder what he wanted.
Zach: Isn’t it obvious? He was trying to get rid of me.
Zach: What do you mean why? Besides the fact that I’m a vital asset to CONTROL?
Max: Who told you that?
Just then, 66 walks in to deliver some rather disturbing news.
66: Chief, Parker and I just heard that Catalonia’s hydro water filter was just stolen!
Zach: What’s a hydro water filter?
Maxine: Because of Catalonia’s climate, their water supply can’t go to the whole country, so they invented a water filter that takes water from the neighboring country, filters it, and distributes it to Catalonia.
Max: Without that filter, thousands of Catalonia’s people will dehydrate!
Zach: KAOS is ruthless, but this time they’ve gone too far. Dad, we’ve got to find the person responsible
Max: Believe me, Zach, that’s the first thing on my mind. I want you and 66 to go the embassy and talk with the Prime Minister. See if he knows anyone who might be tied in with KAOS.
Zach: Right, Pop. (leaves with 66)
Max: Max, I want you and Parker to try and come up with an alternative method for filtering Catalonia’s water.
Maxine: That’s a tall order, Dad, but I think Austin and I can manage it. It’ll take us awhile, though.
Max: Well, don’t take too long. The lives of thousands of people rest in your hands.
Maxine: (looking at her hands) Hmmm, maybe I should file my nails.
Meanwhile, in the Catalonian embassy, Zach and 66 are talking to the Prime Minister about the attempt on Zach’s life.
PM: I am truly sorry to hear of your ordeal, Zachary. I’m glad the job was unsuccessful, though.
Zach: Thank you, sir.
66: Mr. Prime Minister, is there anyone who you would suspect of taking the water filter?
PM: No one! I can’t believe this KAOS organization could be so ruthless in their pursuit of world domination.
Zach: Well, unfortunately, Prime Minister, that is always on the mind of evil, diabolical groups such as KAOS…and the Internal Revenue Service.
66: I take it you’ve never heard of KAOS, Prime Minister?
PM: No, not ‘til the recent events. No, in my country we don’t worry about things like this. Everything is taken care of by hate groups.
Zach: Hate groups?
PM: Well, not in the sense of actual hate. You see, we take our criminals and rehabilitate them, so they no longer know what hate is. We hate hate. Hate it. [Zach & 66 look at each other] Well, if you excuse me, I have another meeting with some of the government heads. I bid you a good day.
Zach: A good day to you, sir. C’mon, 66. (they leave)
As Zach and 66 leave, the Prime Minister makes a phone call to the front office.
PM: Hello, Sasha. Call up the men in the Switzer House. Tell them the water plan was a success, but that a
little birdie named Smart is still flying.
SETTING: The Smarts’ hotel room. 99, 66, Maxine, and Parker are all sitting on the couch. Max is at the bar, pouring himself a drink. As he goes to the couch, he notices Zach sitting on a rather large trunk.
Max: What’s in the trunk, Zach?
Zach: You’ll see.
Max sits down and starts to discuss what the plan is next.
Max: We have to find out who stole that water filer. Parker, how’s it going on making that alternate?
Parker: Pretty good, Chief, but Max and I still have a long way to go.
Max: Try not to make it too long. I think I might have a plan to discover the double agent and still get back that water filter.
Zach: What a minute, Dad. I don’t think it’s such a hot idea to be discussing a plan right here in the open like this.
Maxine: What’re you going to do, Zach? Run home to Washington and get the cone of silence?
Zach: As a matter of fact…(taps the trunk)
99: What’s in the trunk, Zach?
Zach gets off of the trunk and opens it.
Zach: The portable Ultra Cone of Silence! I brought it just in case.
Max: Zach, we really don’t NEED the Cone of Silence.
Zach: Dad, when discussing a plan away from Washington headquarters, you must always be prepared for national security. ( trying to get C.O.S. out of trunk) Can I get a little help here?
Max: Max, go help your brother with the cone of silence.
Max: Please, Maxine!
Maxine gets up and goes over to Zach. Together they take out the large, plastic, six-way communication
device. At the end of the six plastic sticks, which are glued together at the center, are six, large bubbles. The team takes their place in their perspective bubble. Soon they realize a problem.
Max: Are we ready? (looks at Zach. Zach gives him a thumps up) Now, my plan is….
Maxine: Could you speak up, Daddy? I can’t hear you over here.
Max: (louder) I said my plan is to get in the ball and get someone in the room upstairs!
66: He said something about picking up chairs.
99: Zach, I don’t think the cone of silence is working!
Parker: She said the cone of silence is smoking!
Max: Who’s choking?
Zach: Not now, Dad. The cone of silence isn’t working.
Max: Not you. (points to Zach) Him!
Highly annoyed, Max gets out of his bubble, followed by Maxine, 99, and Parker.
Max: Zach, get out of the cone of silence.
Unable to hear inside, Zach mouths “what”, then unlocks the lock to his bubble and gets out, followed
Zach: Sorry, Dad, I couldn’t hear. What did you say about my license?
Max: [yelling] I said get out of the cone of silence! [calmer] Now, my plan is get someone up in that upstairs room tomorrow night at the ball. I’ll go see the Prime Minister tomorrow and ask if he can leave that door unlocked.
Zach: Pop, I just had a thought.
Maxine: Good, Zach.
Zach: (looks at his sister, then proceeds) That shack 66 and I blew up, was that some kind of KAOS front?
Max: Well, from what the Prime Minister told me, yes, but I think there was more to that place than meets the eye.
66: Zach, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Zach: (confused) No, I’m thinking what I’m thinking. What’re you thinking?
66: I’m thinking, what if that shack was more than just a meeting place? What if it was some how connected with the recent disappearances of Catalonia’s plans and projects?
Zach: Oh, well, I guess I am thinking what you’re thinking!
Max: Good job, 66! I want you and Zach to go down to where that shack was and do a search of at least a mile of that shack’s area.
66: Right, Chief. Come on, Zach. (they leave)
Max: Parker, how long do you think it will take you to finish that alternate water filter?
Parker: Well, Max and I could have it done before the ball tomorrow.
Max: Good. When you’re finished, I want you and Max to make a complete map of the entire Catalonian Embassy.
Parker: The WHOLE Embassy? What do you have in mind?
Max: Well, if I miss my guess, there should be at least ONE secret panel or room….
99: …Where the double agent or the plans could be hiding?
Parker: Hey, that’s a good plan, Chief.
Max: Thank you.
Parker: There’s only one problem.
Max: What’s that?
Parker: How are we gonna get in?
Maxine: That’s right. With the ball tomorrow, they’re gonna have that place locked up tighter than Fort Knox! What’re we gonna do?
Max: I have an idea.
Meanwhile, Zach and 66 were searching the remains of the little shack.
66: Hey, Zach! Over here!
Zach saw 66 kneeling by a tree, just a couple of feet away from the shack.
Zach: What is it?
66: Take a look at this. (hands Zach something)
Zach looks at this crumpled up piece of paper, which was slightly burnt.
66: What do you think it is?
Zach: I don’t know. (putting paper in his pocket) Remind me to show this to Parker when we get back. Come on. There’s something I want to show you over by the shack.
Zach and 66 walk back over where Zach had been. Looking at the snow, they noticed snowmobile tracks.
Heading in the opposite direction as which they had gotten there.
66: [annoyed] Zach, these are OUR snowmobile tracks.
Zach: No, they’re not.
66: How can you tell?
Zach: Three reasons, 66. First, these tracks are going north. We came eastbound. Secondly, the threads on the tires are COMPLETELY different than ours.
66: [looking closely at tracks] The tires also have the word KAOS etched in the thread.
Zach: I wasn’t finished, 66.
66: I’m sorry.
Zach: The final thing that ultimately PROVES these aren’t our tire tracks…is the fact that the word KAOS is etched in the threads of these tires.
66: Good work, Zach. Shall we follow them?
Zach: (standing) Why not?
Zach and 66 get on their snowmobiles and start to follow the tires tracks. They go at least two miles when Zach suddenly stops to avoid going over a cliff. 66 pulls up behind him.
66: That was close.
66: Is this where the tire tracks stop?
66: Well, where did they go? There’s no way to get over this gorge!
Zach; Well, if they did go on, [looks over ledge] the first step’s a dozy.
Zach and 66, unable to find another set of tracks, head off for the hotel and get a good night’s sleep.
The next morning, while Zach and 66 continue to search for the missing tracks, Max and 99 are in the Prime Minister’s office, discussing leaving the upstairs’ doors unlocked.
PM: [slightly irritated] No, Mr. Smart. I can not let the secrets of my government fall prey to another evil organization.
Max: Well, how’s my team supposed to get in there to search for clues?
PM: What clues? Catalonia has retained the Ice Station plans and we have plans to build a NEW hydro water filter. There is no reason for your agents to search the upstairs.
99: But, Prime Minister…
PM: [angrily] No buts! The room stays locked! (leaves)
Max: There’s something odd about him, 99.
99: You think so too?
Max: Yes. I think we should follow him. Come on.
As Max and 99 get set to follow the Prime Minister, at the front hall door of the Embassy, two plumbers
dressed in white are trying to get in.
Guard: Who are you?
Parker: Parker and Maxwell plumbing. We’re here to fix the sink.
Guard: I was not told you would be arriving.
Maxine: (wearing a moustache and with a manly voice) Well, we just got a call about it, buddy. Some fancy
pants man calls us up and says you got a leak in one of them rooms, so we come down here to check.
Parker: That’s right. The guy said it had to be fixed before your little party, so he called us.
Guard: I am not allowed to let unauthorized people in to this building.
Maxine: Look, pal, you can throw us out if you like, but there’s a leak in this building and it’s gonna flood your little party so much that you’ll think you’re in the Nile River!
Guard: (sighs) All right, but make it fast and get out.(steps aside and lets them in)
Parker: Don’t worry, Gov’ner! We’ll have that sink in working condition before you can say Bob’s your uncle!
Guard: I don’t have an uncle named Bob!
Maxine: It was a JOKE, Jolly Roger! You weren’t the class clown in school, were you?
Parker: Where’s the kitchen?
Guard: Down the hall, to your left.
Parker: And the bathrooms? Ah, forget it. We’ll find them.
The guard turns around to go back to his door duty. Parker and Maxine start to walk down the hall,
then take off to one of the rooms downstairs. It’s dark in the room they’re in. Parker takes out a flashlight and shines it on Maxine.
Parker: Max, is that you?
Maxine: [sarcastically] No, it’s the Ghost of Christmas Past. Who else came in here with you?
Parker: I don’t know! How do I know you’re not some kind of KAOS agent just waiting to kill me?
Maxine: I don’t have to be a KAOS agent to do that, Austin. [evil glare by Austin]
Parker: Well, what do we do now?
Maxine: First, we get out of this closet.
Parker: [shining light around] How did you know this was a closet?
Maxine: It was the broom that’s sticking me in the spine, that really made me say that.
Maxine opened the door and checked to make sure no one was there. She motioned for Parker to follow
her and the two continued down the hall. Their trip led them to the Central Ballroom, where the ball was being held. They were surprised to see the room empty.
Parker: Maybe everyone’s on a break.
Maxine: Well, if they are, we’d better make this quick.
Maxine took one side of the room and Parker took the other side. They were looking for ANY kind of
lever to a door or panel. Their search drew them to the center of the room, where there was a door painted on the wall.
Parker: Well, I guess that’s it.
Maxine: Not quite. I wanna have a closer look at this door.
Maxine searched around the door and found a switch under the fake door knob.
Maxine: Bingo. (opens door) C’mon, Austin, lets see where this goes.
Before they got through the door, they heard footsteps coming to the room. Quickly, Maxine closed the door, then she and Austin ran back through the side entrance to the hall. Near them was a stair case, and both ran up it.
In the meantime, Max and 99 were still following the Prime Minister. He went into one of the rooms off to the right. Max and 99 hid behind a corner, then started to move down the hall. When they heard a door open, 99 quickly opened the nearby door and she and Max rushed in and closed the door behind them. They listened to hear if the person was going past and heard something completely different.
Guard: There are some suspicious people in the building, sir.
Guard: They identified themselves as Parker and Maxwell. They’re plumbers.
Max and 99 instantly recognize the discussed duo as Austin and Maxine.
PM: I didn’t hire any plumbers! They must be part of CONTROL.
Guard: Should I find them and get rid of them?
PM: No. I want you to make sure that my daughter is at the ball tonight. I have a plan to keep that meddling Smart and his team out of my hair.
Max and 99 look at each other. 99 turns around to see a nuclear missile in the center of the room. 99, very stunned, starts to tap Max on the shoulder. Max, who is still trying to listen to the Prime Minister’s conversation, waves her aside. 99 keeps tapping and Max waves her aside. Finally, getting very annoyed, Max turns to her and whispers, “what?”
99: Look.(points at missile)
Max looks at it and turns back to her.
Max: It’s just a nuclear missile. (does a double take) (a bit louder) A nuc…
99 covers his mouth, just as the Prime Minister looks at the door.
PM: I thought I heard something. It must have been from downstairs. Go and call Vanessa. I’ll be in my office. (leaves with guard)
Making sure no one was outside the door, 99 and Max discuss what they’ve just found.
99: [looking at missile] How do you get a nuclear missile in a room?
Max: Through the front door. 99, do you have your cell with you?
99: Of course. ( handing it to Max)
Maxine and Parker are hiding in a room upstairs, when Max’s cell phone goes off.
Max: Max! Where are you?
Maxine: In a room upstairs. (looks around) With a nuclear missile.
Max: Did you say a nuclear missile?
Maxine: Dad! You won’t believe this! I’m standing in a room with a nuclear missile in it!
Max: I’m not surprised. Your mother and I are in a room just like it.
Maxine: How do you get a nuclear missile in a room?
Parker: Through the front door.
Max: Max, I need you to get a hold of your brother and meet us in the hotel.
Maxine: Right, Dad. (hangs up)
Max: (hangs up, hands the phone back to 99) 99, we have to get of here, without anyone suspecting we’ve been here. Come on.
Max and 99 slowly peek out of the room, find there’s no one there, and sneak out. In the other room,
Maxine quickly calls Zach on the snowmobile CB radio.
Zach: Zach here.
Maxine: Zach, it’s Max. What have you found out?
Zach: Nothing. 66 and I have been out here since 10am this morning and we STILL haven’t found where those tracks go!
Maxine: Forget about it, Zach. Dad needs you two to get back to the hotel ASAP!
Zach: Did you guys find something?
Maxine: Did we ever! I see you back at the hotel. (hangs up)
66: Did they find something?
Zach: I guess so. We have to get to the hotel.
Zach and 66 start to get on their snowmobiles when a shot rings out, whizzing past Zach’s head and
hitting the tree in front of them. Zach and 66 take off, as shots continue to be fired. The duo isn’t sure where they are coming from, but they must get away as quick as possible. Suddenly, a bullet hits Zach’s back tire and he spins out of control, nearing a cliff!
SETTING: Back in the Smarts’ hotel room. Parker, Max, 99, and Maxine wait for Zach and 66 to get there. The door opens to reveal a very angry Zach, followed by 66. Zach’s white jacket is ripped in several places and he has a scratch on his right hand, that is bleeding slightly.
Parker: What happened to you?
66: We were coming back here when…
Zach: (angrily) When some jerk starts shooting bullets at us, blows out my back tire…(heads for the bathroom to look for a Band-Aid)
66: Zach spins out of control and nearly misses going off a cliff.
Zach: (comes back) So I jump off my bike before…
Maxine: We heard.
Zach: Oh. (heads back into the bathroom)
66: Chief, whatever KAOS is up to, they mean business.
99: Max, do you think that this has something to do with the missiles we found today?
66: Missiles? What missiles?
Max: Yes, 99, I do.
Maxine: [to 66] Dad, Mom, Austin, and I found two separate missiles hidden in two rooms of the Catalonian Embassy.
Zach: (comes back) Did you say missiles? (leaves to bathroom again)
Max: Yes…(distracted by Zach’s constant comings and goings) Zach, what are you looking for?
Zach: A Band-Aid.
99: Zach, go to our room and look in the top drawer.
Max: The Prime Minister is DEFINITELY involved in this.
66: How can you be sure?
Max: First of all, 66, he’s been acting very strangely. Second, why was he hostile about us going upstairs? That’s where those missiles are. And thirdly…
Parker: He’s got a set of his and hers nuclear missiles in his offices.
Max: Parker, I wasn’t finished.
Parker: Sorry, sir.
Max: (about to finish, then stops) Well, never mind now! The important thing is to get those missiles out of his hands. (Zach walks out) Zach, are you up to going to the ball tonight?
Zach: Of course I am! Nothing stops Zachary Smart at getting his man!
Maxine: What about the time you got hit by that KAOS agent and had to have you’re tooth fixed?
66: Or that time you found a scratch on your car and you refused to leave until you had it fixed?
Max: Or that time you got a splinter in your finger and refused to take a case because you were afraid you might have some kind of lead poisoning?
Zach: (looks around) You all aren’t real good at encouraging, are you?
SETTING: The Catalonian Embassy Ball. Everyone who was invited was there and having a good time. Team Smart walked in, as couples, and headed toward the food table.
Max: Okay. Zach, I want you and 66 to go and find out where that door Max told us about leads.
Zach: Sure, Pop. Where’s that door, Sis?
Maxine: See that painted door in the center wall at the back? (points) There’s a switch under the door knob, that opens the door.
Zach: Right. Nothing will deter me from getting into that door.
Right then, a very attractive woman came over to the group.
Woman: (to Zach) Excuse me, but do you have the time?
Zach: (putting on the charms) Certainly. (looks at watch) It’s 8:15pm.
Woman: (seductively) Thank you, Mr. Smart. (leaves, with Zach looking after her)
66: (rather annoyed) Who was that?
Max: From the looks of it, I would guess the Prime Minister’s daughter.
Zach: (looks at 99) I’m a growing boy.
66: We’d rather not see that, thank you. (Zach looks at 66 and smirks)
Parker: Zach, I thought you said nothing was going to deter you from getting to that door.
Zach: Did I?
Zach: Right. Well, would believe in 5 MINUTES nothing will deter me from getting to that door?
A waiter comes by with a couple of glasses of champagne on a tray. Zach takes two and starts to head over
to where Vanessa has gone.
Zach: [to group] Excuse me.
Zach heads over to Vanessa, the Prime Minister’s daughter, who is standing by a table. Before he hands
her a glass of champagne, she tells him something.
Vanessa: I must see you privately, Mr. Smart.
Zach: Well, I am here with a date…
Vanessa: It has to do with my father and…(looks around) KAOS.
Zach: Where do you want to meet?
Vanessa: On the veranda in twenty minutes. That should give you time to get upstairs, no?
Zach: It’ll give me time to get upstairs, look around, and get back.
Vanessa: Here’s the key to all of the offices. (hands him a key) The second door on the left is most interesting.
Zach: (taking the key) Why are you so keen to help me?
Vanessa: (looking at Zach, seductively) Because I like you, Mr. Smart. And I want to protect my home country of Catalonia.
Zach: I’m flattered, Vanessa. By not only your intense patriotism, but by that first comment. (starts to leave, then turns back) And the name’s (kisses her hand) Zachary. (leaves)
Back by the food table…
66: (seeing Zach) (sarcastically) Oh, look. Here comes Romeo now.
Zach: Guess what I just got.
66: I’d rather not hear about it, thank you.
Zach: I’ve got a key. (holds up the key)
Max: Hey, where’d you get a key?
Zach: (smirking) Dad, my skills at being a secret agent are only surpassed by the charms of being me.
Maxine: And modest, too.
66: [annoyed] Well, now that we’ve wasted enough time, shall we go get to that door, Zach, or would you like to roam some more?
Zach: I’m done. (walking to the table to put his glass down) Care to dance?
Before Zach puts his glass down, 66 hands him her glass and starts to walk to the dance floor.
Zach looks at her decent, puts both glasses down, and follows her onto the floor. Zach grabs 66 and
they start to dance, heading toward the painted door.
Zach: 66, I can’t shake the feeling that you’re mad at me for some reason.
66: (sarcastically) Oh, no, Zach. Just because you brought me to this ball as your date, then you take off
after some little débutante throwaway, doesn’t mean I’m upset in any way.
Zach: [pause]See, now I’m CERTAIN you’re mad at me.
66: Oh, Zach! Let’s just get to that door!
The couple continue to dance towards the door. As they near it, Zach spins 66 in a twirl and she stops
in front of the door. As she pushes the button underneath the doorknob, she seductively waves goodbye to Zach. As Zach spins around to look at the dance floor, 66 disappears inside the passageway. The crowd cheers for the band on stage, as Zach also slips behind the door.
SETTING: Inside the passageway. Zach and 66 head down a long hallway before they reach a set of stairs.
Zach: Shall we?
66: Of course!
Zach: Ladies first.
They go the stairway and discover a door at the top with light coming from it. Cautiously, Zach opened the
door and was surprised to realize where they were.
Zach: We’re on the second floor.
They went down the hall a ways when Zach stopped at the second door on the left.
Zach: This is the room Vanessa told me to check.
Zach is about to unlock the door, when 66 stops him.
66: Wait a minute, Zach! At least check for any kind of explosive device or trigger mechanism on the door!
Zach: (sighs) I know you’re right, but I’d like to think this has nothing to do with Vanessa.
66: Zach, if you’re implying…
Zach: I’m not. Lets check the door. Do you have your auto-detector?
66: Of course. (flips open the top of her ring and pulls out a miniature rod) Connect it, please.
Zach opens his side pocket and pulls out a thin wire with a cap on it. He then places the cap on the
steel rod of 66’s ring. 66 holds the rod against the door knob. A tiny beep sounds and is followed by a multitude of beeps. Zach turns to look at the door.
66: Told you.
Zach: Well, looks like I got suckered into that one.
66: Don’t worry about it, Zach. It could’ve been worse.
Zach: How? Worse than being blow up by merely opening a door?
66: She could’ve done your taxes.
Zach is about to say something when he notices the door. He steps back and looks down the hall.
66: What’s wrong?
Zach looks at the door again.
Zach: Does this door look familiar to you?
66: (confused) Looks like the door we’ve been standing at?
Zach: No…this is the door that leads in to the Prime Minister’s office.
66: (looking at door) How can you be sure?
Zach: Well, remember when we first came to talk to the Prime Minister?
Zach: Well, remember when we were waiting in the reception room and I was playing with that sword and accidentally put a scratch in the door? (pointing to a large scratch on the front of the door) This is the scratch I made. See? It’s been painted over slightly.
66: This had to be painted recently! See? The paint doesn’t match!
Zach: Lets go back downstairs and talk to Dad.
As they head toward the secret passage, Zach suddenly stops.
Zach: I just remembered I have to meet Vanessa on the veranda.
66: Zach, she probably thinks you’re dead by now.
Zach: Well, let’s give her a little surprise. Come on.
Zach decides to go down the main stairs and cut to the veranda. Zach and 66 had to go around the Embassy
in order to get to the back steps. After Zach got to the top, he looked around for Vanessa and didn’t see her. He then turned back towards the stairs and waited for 66. As 66 got to the top, she tripped and fell into Zach’s arms.
66: [slightly embarrassed] Sorry about that.
Zach: (smiling) No need to apologize.
Instantly, Zach and 66 turn to see Vanessa standing at the door of the veranda.
Vanessa: I hope I’m not intruding.
Zach and 66, rather stunned, realize their appearance, and pull away from each other.
Zach: No, no, Vanessa. You’re not intruding in the least.
Vanessa: Did you check upstairs?
66: As a matter of fact, we just came down.
Vanessa: Did you find anything?
Zach: Actually, Vanessa, we did. And you have a lot of explaining to do.
Vanessa: What do you mean?
66: You knew that door we went to was rigged to explode as soon as the key was pushed in and turned!
Vanessa pulls a gun from behind her back.
Vanessa: Very good, Miss. (to Zach) I really do like Zach. I only wish this was on friendlier terms.
Zach: [looking at gun] What would you do if you didn’t like me?
Vanessa: We’re going to turn around and go down those steps. Around the corner is a black car. You are to get in it.
66: Out of curiosity, will your father be driving?
Vanessa: My father is a totally different story. Those missiles your team found yesterday, are mine. You see, I’m going to blow up that rotten little country with one and then use the second one
to demolish the United States, unless they give KAOS what we want.
Zach: I’m confused. Your father has something to do with this, but not the missiles?
66: Zach, the Prime Minister’s the one who stole the hydro water filter and the plans for Ice Station Zero.
Vanessa: Correct again.
Zach: Okay. [confused] Why?
PM: Perhaps I can answer that, Mr. Smart.
From behind one of the trees, steps the Prime Minister. In his hand he has a gun and motions for his daughter to drop hers.
Zach: (sarcastically) Great.
PM: Drop your gun, Vanessa.
Vanessa: No! I found them first, Daddy!
PM: As you can see, Mr. Smart, my daughter and I don’t get along very well. She wants to destroy Catalonia.
66: Well, don’t you want to destroy it, too?
PM: No! I only want the country in the palm of my hand.
Zach: I’d get a manicure if I were you.
66: But you’re the Prime Minister!
PM: [sarcastically & a tad bitter] Oh, yes. The Prime Minister. That’s nothing. I just sit around here all day! While that little wretched country is ruled by an incompetent fool! By stealing the plans for the Ice Station and the hydro water filter, I was going to demand the ruler step down and put me in charge.
Zach: Couldn’t you’ve just voted?
Vanessa: Daddy, really! Why waste your energy on a small country like Catalonia when I can have the whole world at my mercy!?
PM: Give me that gun, Vanessa!
A struggle then ensues between the Prime Minister and Vanessa to get her gun. Suddenly a shot rings out
and the Prime Minister falls to the ground. Convinced Vanessa has shot him, Zach and 66 are surprised when another shot rings out and Vanessa also falls to the ground. As she falls, they see Max with his revolver drawn and traces of smoke coming from the barrel.
Max: (walks over to Zach) Are you two alright?
66: We’re fine, Chief. How’d you know we were out here?
Max: Would you believe I was taking a walk?
Zach: You got lost, didn’t you, dad?
Max: I didn’t get lost. I was misled. Vanessa told me she had seen you at the main stairs. So I got there, you weren’t there, so I decided to come here. So they were both involved, huh?
Zach: Yes. It’s a shame, really.
66: Why? They were both trying to conquer a country!
Zach: Yes, but they had ideas on how to change their situation, 66. If only they had used their ideas for
good, instead of evil.
SETTING: Back at the Snowy Mountain Lodge the next morning. The camera shot is in Zach’s room as he’s packing. There’s a knock on the door. Zach goes to open it and there stands 66.
66: Hi, Zach. Are you ready yet?
Zach: Just about, 66. All I have to do is get the Ultra Cone of Silence downstairs.
66: Oh, Zach. I wish you hadn’t brought that. Want some help?
Zach: Thought you’d never ask.
As 66 and Zach try to move the cone of silence, they discuss the Prime Minister.
66: I heard from the Chief that the paper we found at the shack were the real plans for Ice Station Zero.
Zach: So the plans we got from that little shack weren’t the plans?
66: No, they were something completely different. They were papers that incriminated the Prime Minister and Vanessa with their involvement in KAOS.
Zach: I certainly hope that shack was a KAOS front. I’d feel terrible if we blew up a shack with innocent people in it.
66: Thankfully it was. They were trying to get the plans for Vanessa, so she might blackmail her father into letting her destroy Catalonia.
Zach: I’m telling you, 66, countries and crime do not mix.
Zach and 66 finally push the trunk over to the door and find that it won’t fit through.
66: It’s not gonna fit through. Zach, tell me. How did you get the Cone of Silence in here in the first place?
Zach thinks about it and then sighs.
Zach: I remembered. I had it delivered.
THE CLOSING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!!!