The Petrified Max


The Petrified Max



SETTING: The Washington Café. A man sits alone at a table, nervously watching as people and cars past outside on the street. He keeps looking at his watch, as if waiting for someone. Finally, another man sits down at the same table and the two men begin to talk.

Man #1: So, what information do you have for me?

Man #2: CONTROL has plans to harbor the new Edson plans on a Navy cruiser this afternoon.

Man #1: How do you know?

Man #2: I overheard the Chief and Agent 78 talking about it yesterday.

Man #1: Why didn’t you contact KAOS yesterday after you heard the news?

Man #2: I couldn’t! I was on surveillance with both Smarts last night. That’s why I contacted you today.

Man #1: When does CONTROL plan to receive the plans from the Pentagon?

Man #2: I believe at two o’clock. Smart is picking up the plans and bringing them to the dock where another agent is to board the cruiser and travel to a naval base of the coast of Canada.

Man #1: You are to replace the agent on the boat and deliver the plans to KAOS.

Man #2: Tell me, what are the Edson plans? Why does KAOS need them?

Man #1: I will tell you if you answer a question when I’m through.

Man #2: Certainly.

Man #1: The Edson plans are of a secret naval submarine that can be used to destroy anything in its path. With a sub like that, KAOS could destroy a CONTROL sub and its passengers from at least 10 miles away.

Man #2: That’s remarkable!

Man #1: Now my question.

Man #2: (thinking) Hmmm? Oh, yes. Well, ask it.

Man #1: Why are you defecting from CONTROL?

SETTING: The home of Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart. Upstairs, both Max and 99 are getting ready for work. Max is standing in front of the floor mirror, trying to decide which tie to wear. 99 turns from the closet and sees Max at the mirror.

99: The blue one.

Max looks at the blue tie and decides that she’s right and puts it on. 99 goes over to where Max is
and kisses him on the cheek.

Max: (surprised) What was that for?

99: (walking into the bathroom) Just cause.

Max grabs 99 as she comes out and kisses her

99: What was that for?

Max: Just cause.

Before Max and 99 kiss again, the telephone rings.

99: And that means we really should be getting ready to go to work.

Max: It could mean we have to change our phone number.

Max releases 99 and goes to answer the phone.

Max: Hello. Hi, Zach.

Zach: Dad, you need to get down here as soon as possible!

Max: Why? What’s going on?

Zach: No time to explain. Just get here! (hangs up)

99: What was that all about?

Max: I don’t know, but it must be really important. Zach sounded a little excited.

99: Is that good?

Max: (putting on his jacket) I don’t think so.

SETTING: CONTROL headquarters. Inside the Chief’s office stands Agent 66, Maxine Smart, and Dr. Austin Parker. Sitting in the Chief’s chair is Zachary Smart. Zach is on the phone and writing something down on a piece of paper.

Zach: (on phone) Yes, sir. Yes, sir, Mr. president, we’ll get to the bottom of this. (Max enters) Of course not, sir. I understand that, sir. Yes, goodbye.

Max: What’s going on?

Zach: (standing) We’ve just lost another agent to the grips of KAOS.

Max: What!

66: Agent 72 just stole the Edson plans from the Naval carrier about thirty minutes ago.

Maxine: And fifteen minutes ago, he turned them over to KAOS.

Max: (plops down in his chair) That’s the fifth CONTROL agent to defect in two weeks!

Zach: And the third secret information about our defenses to be stolen and handed over to KAOS.

66: Chief, what are we going to do? If this keeps up, we won’t have any more CONTROL agents to protect Washington.

Max: If this keeps up, we won’t have any secrets left to protect, TO protect Washington.

Zach: I was just on the phone with the President. He says if we don’t stop these defectors AND KAOS, we won’t have jobs left.

Max: (standing) Zach, man the phones. I’m going to go have a talk with the President.

Maxine: What are you going to tell him?

Max: I’m going to tell him that disbanding CONTROL now could jeopardize Washington as we know it.

Maxine: Well, be careful, Daddy.

Zach: Yeah, Pop. Just remember you’re still on KAOS’ hit list and you’re number one.

Max: Well, anything happens to me, KAOS will be in a lot of trouble. (pauses) Of course, so will I. (leaves)






SETTING: The President’s office in the White House. Max walks in to discuss the agent defection from CONTROL.

Max: Mr. President.

Prez: Ah, Mr. Smart, I was just about to call down and ask you to come over.

Max: What you’re doing, sir is……wait. What?

Prez: I wanted to see you, Smart. I need you to find out why all the CONTROL agents are defecting.

Max: I’ll put my best man on it.

Prez: No, Smart. It has to be you.

Max: Why?

Prez: Who would suspect the Chief of CONTROL to defect to KAOS? I want you to defect as a KAOS hitman and then follow the other CONTROL agents and find out why they’ve been defecting. I’llgive you clearance to steal one of our top plans from the Pentagon.

Max: But sir, having me turn over those plans could result in a complete KAOS takeover!

Prez: Not quite, Smart. You see, I’ll give you a decoy of such. The same exact plan, but with different ingredients. Get it?

Max: Okay, but I really should talk to my team about this.

Prez: No, Smart. The whole point is to make you look like your defecting. Everyone must think you’re really defecting to KAOS. You must tell NO ONE of your mission.

Max: Mr. President, you’re asking me to lie to my friends and family and I have never lied to my family in my entire life!

Prez: I’m sorry, Smart. But in order to make this work, everyone on your team must think you’re defecting. With any luck, they might find out KAOS’ plan and realize that you are just a plant. So, are you willing Smart?

Max: (thinking) Yes, sir. When do we start?

SETTING: Back at CONTROL. Max is driving in the CONTROL parking garage, looking for his parking space. As he pulls in, his notices the blue Jeep Laredo parked next to him and realizes it’s 99’s car. As he parks, his suspicions are true, as 99 walks around from the driver’s side and sees Max pull up.

99: Well, this is certainly good timing.

Max: (getting out of the car) Why do you say that?

99: Well, I came down to ask if you wanted to go to lunch.

Max: Right now? 99, it’s only (looks at his watch and finds out it’s a little after one o’clock) lunch time. Gee, 99, I wish I could, but I can’t. I have this meeting with….with….the President and I…I really should go to it.

99: But, Max, you just drove in!

Max: Huh? Oh, yes, well, I just came from another meeting with…another….person and I just came back to tell YOU that I couldn’t go to lunch today.

99: Max, how could you have known I would be coming down?

Max: Would you believe I’m psychic?

99: (concerned) No, but I would believe something’s wrong.

Max: (quickly) What’s wrong? Nothing’s wrong, 99. Why…why don’t you ask Zach and Max to go to lunch with you? (getting back in the car) I mean, hasn’t it been a long time since you and the twins had lunch together? (starts the car) Won’t that be great? (backs out and leaves)

99 decides to take Max’s suggestion and heads up to his office. In his office are Max, Zach, and 66. 99 walks through the door.

Zach: Hi, Mom.

Max: Hi, Mom.

66: Hi, Mrs. Smart.

99: Hi. Listen, I just saw your father downstairs. He can’t go to lunch with me, so I was wondering if you guys wanted to go.

Zach: That be great! Can 66 come too?

99: When I said you guys, I meant all of you, Zach.

It was settled and the four of them went to the Smarts favorite restaurant, Roberge. After getting a
seat and ordering, the four just talked about things going on. Meanwhile, in the same restaurant, Max was sitting at a table, waiting for KAOS’ number one hitman, Wolchuck. Max started to look around and saw 99, Zach, Max, and 66 not more than two feet away from him.

Max: (to himself) I should have known not to come here. This is 99’s favorite restaurant, too.

Just then, Wolchuck came and sat down in the chair across from where Max was sitting.

Wolchuck: I was surprised you called me, Mr. Smart. KAOS wasn’t sure if this was for real or a clever plan.

Max: Oh, it’s for real all right. I can prove it. ( picks up an envelope and hands it to Wolchuck)

Wolchuck: What’s this?

Max: The plans for the Army’s super-sonic destructo ray.

Wolchuck: (looks at Max suspiciously) How did you get these?

Max: I’m the Chief of CONTROL. I can go anywhere in this COUNTRY and be given access to anything I ….or KAOS… so desires.

As Max and Wolchuck talk, over at the team Smart table, Zach looks and sees his father.

Zach: Hey, isn’t that Dad over there? (everyone turns to look)

99: He’s supposed to be in a meeting with the President.

Maxine: Again?

99: What do you mean again?

Maxine: He had one this morning with the President.

Zach: Well, that’s certainly not the President Dad’s talking to. That’s KAOS’ number one assassin, Hans Wolchuck.

Maxine: What is Dad doing talking to a KAOS assassin?

Zach: I don’t know, but it doesn’t look good.

Back at Max’s table, Wolchuck notices the Team Smart foursome.

Wolchuck: Mr. Smart, isn’t that your wife and children at that table over there?

Max: (not looking over) Yes, I noticed that. Believe me, I didn’t plan for them to be here. This happens to be my wife and mine’s favorite restaurant.

Wolchuck: You must be a bold man to defect in front of your wife and children or a very stupid man for wasting my and KAOS’ time.

Max: I assure you, Wolchuck, that I have every intention of defecting from CONTROL.

Wolchuck: Do you, Mr. Smart? Well, then, I have a job for you. Your first duty as a KAOS hitman is be ready to fire on your family as soon as we leave this restaurant.


SETTING: Outside the restaurant. Max and Wolchuck are standing by Max’s black Porsche, waiting for the rest of Team Smart to come out of the building.

Max: Listen, Wolchuck, maybe I should handle this on my own.

Wolchuck: Dividing loyalties, Mr. Smart?

Max: Well, you are asking me to kill my family.

Wolchuck: I agree, Mr. Smart. (gets out a note book and writes something on it) Meet me at this address at eleven tonight. Bring with you the blueprints of the T-9 microscope. (leaves)

Max looks at the paper, gets in his car and droves off, just as 99 and company come out of the restaurant.

Zach: Wasn’t that Dad’s car that just drove away?

99: I wouldn’t be surprised if it was, Zach.

Back at CONTROL headquarters, Max is sitting at his desk, making a list of CONTROL agents that have defected. The automatic door opens and Zach, 66, and Maxine walk in.

Max: (looks up) Hi, guys. Glad you got back. I just came back from a meeting with the President.

Zach: Did you, Dad? What happened?

Max: Well, we’ll keep our jobs for sure, but we have to find out why CONTROL agents are defecting.

Zach: Well, for starters, KAOS has a better salary rise. They also have better health insurance and a free funeral plan.

Max: (annoyed) I mean besides that. Look, I want the three of you to go and look through the files of these agents. (hands Zach the list) Find out if something triggered their reason to defect. (starts to get up)

Maxine: Where are you going?

Max: Huh? Oh, I have a meeting with some delegates for the upcoming CONTROL banquet. See you guys later. (leaves)

Zach: Max, I want you to follow Dad and find out where he’s really going.

Maxine: Right, Zach. (leaves)

66: You don’t think he’s going to that meeting?

Zach: There is no meeting. The so-called upcoming CONTROL Banquet isn’t coming for another year or so. (looks at the list in his hand) When we go downstairs to the hall of records, (hands 66 the list) make sure you write down Maxwell Smart, Agent 86.

Downstairs in the hall of records, Zach and 66 are still looking at agent bios. The phone next to Zach rings and he picks it up.

Zach: Hello?

Maxine: Zach, it’s Max.

Zach: Hey, sis. What’s going on?

Max: Well, you were right about Dad. I just followed him to the Rooster Ranch.

Zach: That’s a KAOS front!

Max: I know. Zach, you don’t really think Dad would defect, do you?

Zach: I don’t know, Max. The only person who can give us that answer is Dad himself. Look, I want you stay on him and call back when he leaves.

Max: Okay, Zach. (hangs up)

Zach: (hanging up) We’ve got to stop by the Pentagon and make sure everything is where it’s supposed to be.

Zach and 66 go straight to the Pentagon, only to find out that Chief Maxwell Smart has already been
there to pick up the plans for the T-9 microscope and the Miniature T-H. Disheartened, Zach and 66 go back to CONTROL headquarters. When they walk into the Chief’s office, they see 99 and Maxine already there.

99: What’s wrong?

Zach plops down in his father’s chair.

66: We just found out that Chief Maxwell Smart has just picked the plans for the T-9 microscope and the Mini T-H.

Maxine: Yeah, well, I have worse news. Dad has just turned over the Mini T-H to KAOS operatives not more than twenty minutes ago.

Zach: I can’t believe Dad would defect. He’s what CONTROL stands for.

99: Your father would never defect! He loves being a spy for CONTROL.

Maxine: Well, apparently, he’s switched sides.

Zach: I just can’t believe he would do this.

Maxine: Zach, that’s not the point! The point is, what are we going to do about it?

Zach: (seriously) Well, first of all we have to elect a new acting Chief of CONTROL.

Maxine: Okay, I accept the nomination.

Zach: Who said you could nominate yourself? I was thinking of myself for the job.

66: Why?

Zach: Because I’m head of the agents section.

Maxine: You’re head of the MALE agents section!

Zach: So? I’m still head of a section!

Maxine: Well, so am I!

Zach: Oh yeah? Well, as treasurer of the CONTROL Agents Guild, I nominate myself.

Maxine: Well, as Vice president of the CONTROL Woman Agents Guild, I nominate myself.

Zach: Fine, we’ll have a vote. (pauses) Mom, 66, vote.

99: 66 and I can’t vote!

Zach: Why? You’re not registered?

99: We can’t vote because of an unfair advantage. Besides, there are only four of us in this room. We’d have to get a deciding vote.

66: All right, this is hopeless. I nominate that the three agents in this ROOM become acting Chief for the time being. We have to find out if the Chief is really defecting or not.

99: You don’t think he is?

66: I don’t know. I read his file today and he doesn’t seem like the kind of CONTROL agent to defect.

Zach: (depressed) The other agents didn’t seem like they would defect either.

Maxine: Yeah, but, Zach, this is Dad we’re talking about. He was one of CONTROL’S best agents.

Zach: I agree with you, Max, but we have to treat this case as normal as possible and for the time being forget that the Chief is our father. The first order of business is make sure Dad doesn’t know we know he’s defecting. We have to make it seem as though nothing’s wrong.

66: Okay. Next order of business: trail the Chief EVERYWHERE he goes. What was the last place you saw him at, Max?

Maxine: He had just pulled into the driveway at home.

66: Okay, I’ll go down and see if he’s still there. (starts to leave) Oh, guys. Be careful. I know this is family and all, but still. (leaves)

Zach: Max, go down to the Pentagon and keep a stake-out there just in case Dad comes back. Call me if he does.

Max: Right, Zach. (leaves)

99: What are we going to do now?

Zach: I wish I knew.


SETTING: The Docks. Max is standing outside an old shack. It’s about eleven o’clock at night and it’s rather foggy. Suddenly, Max feels a hand on his shoulder and a gun in his back.

Max: Wolchuck, is that you?

Wolchuck: It’s me, Smart. Do you have the plans?

Max: (holds up an envelope) I have it right here.

Wolchuck: (taking envelope) Thank you, Mr. Smart.

Max: You know, Wolchuck, I’m starting to feel you don’t trust me.

Down the street from the dock, stood a red truck. Inside the driver’s seat is Maxine, with a pair of binoculars attached to her eyes. Only taking them off for a minute, she picks up her car phone and dials Zach, who is at the Smart house.

Maxine: This is 24 calling 78. Come in 78.

Zach: 78 here. What’s up, Max?

Maxine: Dad has just met with Wolchuck.

Zach: Where are you?

Maxine: At the docks.

Zach: The docks? What kind of meeting place are the docks?

Maxine: I think it’s very good. It’s rather foggy out.

Zach: What are they doing now, Max?

Maxine: Well, now they’re going inside this shack. Should I follow?

Zach: Yes, but be careful. Don’t forget Wolchuck is the number KAOS assassin. He could kill you if he spots you.

Maxine: You’re not really good in encouraging, are you Zach?

Maxine hangs up and gets out of the car. She carefully sneaks over to the shack and goes inside. Inside, Max looked around carefully. Down the hall, she could see her father and Wolchuck talking. She moves in closer to hear what they’re saying.

Max: Well, Wolchuck, I think I qualify as a KAOS agent.

Wolchuck: I agree, Smart. I had my doubts at first, but I guess you are ready to be inducted in the best spy organization in the world.

Max: I’m getting into KAOS, not the CIA.

Wolchuck: I was talking about KAOS! Come, Smart.

The two walk further down the hall and go into a room. Maxine sneaks back to her car and calls Zach

Zach: 78 here.

Maxine: Zach!

Zach: Oh, hi, Max. What’s up?

Maxine: I think it’s imperative you and 66 get down here.

Zach: Why?

Maxine: Dad is about to be inducted into KAOS.


SETTING: Maxine is still waiting by her truck when Zach’s firebird pulls up next to her.

Maxine: You said five minutes. What took you so long?

Zach: (sarcastically) Sorry. Thought we would stop off at the lab and get some supplies. Then we went to get some burgers.

66: What’s been happening?

Maxine: Nothing, I don’t think. I just got out and from what I heard, they’re inside waiting for someone.

Zach: Well, lets go in.

The trio walk slowly into the shack. Max points out the room at the very back, where Maxwell Smart and
Hans Wolchuck are waiting. The three stand by the door to listen to the conversation.

66: (whispers) I can’t hear anything.

Zach takes out the Miniature Microphone that he and 66 had picked up early.

Maxine: What is that?

66: It’s the Mini Mic. It allows you to listen to a conversation up to 100ft. away. (hands one to Max)

Inside the room:

Wolchuck: Well, Mr. Smart, as a the new KAOS hit-man, what would you like to know?

Max: I’d like to know how you got all those CONTROL agents to defect.

Wolchuck: Still loyal to your little organization, huh? All right. I’ll tell you. It really has to do with hypnotism.

Max: Hypnotism?


Trio: Hypnotism?


Wolchuck: Yes. You see, Mr. Smart, three of your five agents were hypnotized to steal important documents and plans from the Pentagon and bring them to me, so I could deliver them to KAOS.

Max: What about the other two agents?

Wolchuck: What can I say? KAOS has a higher salary rate than CONTROL.


Zach: And a better health plan.


Wolchuck: Which brings me to you, Mr. Smart. Why did you defect?

Max: Very simple, Wolchuck. I defected over to KAOS to find out why the other CONTROL agents defected. You see, I’m just a plant.

Wolchuck: I knew it!


Zach: YES! I knew Dad could never defect!


Wolchuck: Well, Mr. Smart. I won’t pretend that I wasn’t aware of your plan, but I must say, it was a stupid plan.

Max: How so?

Wolchuck: You’ve turned over important documents to KAOS, merely to find the answer to your CONTROL agent problem.

Suddenly, Zach, Maxine, and 66 burst through the door, guns drawn.

Maxine: Not quite, Wolchuck.

Wolchuck: Smart!

Zach: At your service.

Max: You see, Wolchuck, those plans I gave you are fakes. I needed something to give KAOS so they would believe I was really defecting.

Wolchuck: I can’t believe I feel for the old fake CONTROL defector, switch the real plans with some fakes plans trick.

Zach: Probably the third time you’ve fallen for it this month.

Max: Max, cuff him.

Wolchuck: I can’t believe you would do this, Smart.

Zach: Well, Wolchuck, as you go down that highway of life, you’ll discover that there are good guys and bad guys. And my Dad will ALWAYS be a good guy. Take him away, Max.

Max: Good job, Zach.

Zach: Thanks, Pop. You know, you really had us worried. We thought you were really defecting.

Max: Well, I’m glad you finally realized I wasn’t.

Zach and 66 look at each other.

66: Well, not really, Chief.

Max: What do you mean?

Zach: Well, with you gone, we, being 66, Max , and myself, become acting Chiefs of CONTROL.

Max: So?

Zach: Well, lets say, you’re gonna be on a lot of waiting lists to get your stuff back.




SETTING: Team Smart is walking into the Chief’s office, discussing how nice it is to have Max back.

Parker: It’s really good to have you back, sir.

Max: Well, thank you, Parker.

99: Everything all settled?

Max: Just about, as soon as a certain someone takes his stuff out my gym locker. (looks at Zach)

Zach: Dad, your locker’s one of the big lockers and it actually holds all my stuff. Besides, where am I going to put my stuff then?

Max: Put it back in your locker.

Zach: I can’t.

Max: Why not?

Zach: Because Max’s stuff is in my locker.

Max: (to Maxine) Max, take your stuff out of Zach’s locker.

Maxine: Then where am I going to put my stuff?

99: In your locker.

Maxine: But I can’t!

Max: Why not?

Maxine: Because 66 has HER stuff in my locker.

Max: (rather annoyed) 66…

66: I would if I could, Chief, but Agent 22’s in my locker.

99: You mean his stuff is in your locker.

66: No, I mean HE’S in my locker.

Max: (to Zach) Why is Agent 22 in 66’s locker?

Zach: Well, you see, Dad, as acting Chief of CONTROL, I felt that the whole locker room behavior wasn’t fitting for CONTROL agents, so I had 22 staked out in 66’s locker because her locker is the closest to the guy’s dressing room and she was in Max’s locker and Max was in my locker and I was in yours, so that’s why he’s there.

Max: Well, then, tell him to leave.

66: We tried that.

99: And?

Maxine: He won’t do it.

Zach: He’s gotten really used to that locker and he said that the only way he would leave was over his dead body.

Max takes out his revolver and starts to head downstairs to the locker room.

Zach: Where’re you going?

Max: I’m going to get 22 out of that locker.