SETTING: A hotel office. The office is dark, until a light is turned on. A gray-haired man with a black moustache sits down behind the oak desk. He picks up the phone from the desk. As he dials, he looks
around, opens a drawer and starts to write frantically. As the other line rings, he takes the piece of paper and puts it a hidden cabinet underneath the desk.
The scene shifts to the Smart residence. The shower is running in the background and we see Max standing in the closet, looking for something. The phone is ringing in the background and Max looks up and
tries to make an attempt to get it, but is tangled up in his suspenders.
99: (from the shower) Max? Is that the phone?
Max: I’ve got it, 99!
Max finally gets out of the closet and starts to walk over to the bed table to answer the phone. As he does, he trips over the suspenders and falls to the floor. His hand finally gets to the phone and he answers it.
The scene moves back to the office, where the man is still looking around, nervously.
Man: Mrs. Smart, please.
The scene goes back to the Smart house and goes back and forth between the house and the office.
Max: No, I’m sorry. She can’t come to the phone.
In the office, the door knob starts to jingle and the man stands up, looks out the window, and then at the door.
Man: Where is she? It’s most important.
Max: I’m sorry, but she’s a little busy right now. Can I take a message?
Man: I must speak to Mrs. Smart! It’s very urgent!
Max: (annoyed) Look, I told you. She can’t come to the phone. I’d be happy to take a message for you.
In the office, the door starts to open. The man is sweating with fear.
Man: Please! Tell her the oak in the pines.
Max: (confused) The oak in the pines? That’s a weird message.
From inside, the man is attacked and the phone drops from his hand.
Man: Help! Help! (the phone goes dead)
Max: Hello? Hello? (hangs up)
99 emerges from the bathroom, wearing Max’s “chief” robe, with the word chief engraved in the pocket.
99: Who was that?
Max: It was a call for you, but he didn’t give his name. He did give me a message to give to you though.
99: Oh? What was it?
Max: (thinking) The oak in the pines.
99: The oak in the pines? What kind of message is that? (Max shrugs) Maybe I should call him back. (goes over to the phone) Did he say anything else?
Max: Yes. Just before he got off, he said “help, help.” (Max and 99 look at each other) 99, I don’t think calling him back will make much of a difference.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!!
SETTING: The next morning in the Chief’s office. Max, 99, and Maxine are waiting for Zach to arrive. Soon, the automatic door opens and Zach walks in, shaving with an electric razor.
Zach: Sorry I’m late. My alarm clock’s busted.
Maxine: How’d that happen?
Zach: I rolled over and knocked it off the table and it fell on the floor.
99: Why didn’t you get it fixed?
Zach: Well, I was hoping I could do it at lunch today.
Max: We’re not gonna have time, Zach. After I give you this briefing, we’re flying out to Pasadena.
Zach: We’re taking a vacation?
99: No, Zach.
Max: Look, why don’t I give you the briefing?
Zach: Look, Pop, if this is classified information, we should use the cone of silence.
Max: Good idea, Zach.
Zach: Now no matter what you say, Dad, you…(pauses) What? Good idea? Really? We’re gonna use the cone of silence?
Max: Yep. It was just fixed.
Zach is all excited and pushes his sister out the way to get to the chair.
Zach: (full of glee) Me first! Me first!
Max: (smiling) Ready?
Zach nods happily, as Max pushes the button to lower the cone of silence. They sit for awhile, waiting.
Zach: I remember the cone of silence being much more enclosing than this.
Max looks up and where the cone of silence should be, is a vacant space.
Max: Hey! Where’s the cone of silence?
Zach: (looks up, then looks at Max) We’ve been robbed! Quick! Call 9-1-1!
Max: (on intercom) Trudi, we’ve been robbed! The cone of silence is gone!
Trudi: Oh, the CIA came and took it. They said they would return it a week from Tuesday.
Zach: What! With all the money they have, they STILL take our stuff! That’s why they’re so popular! They’re using everyone else’s stuff!
Max: (sadly) I really felt like using the cone of silence today.
Maxine: And you just had it fixed.
Max: Oh well. I guess the briefing room is second best. C’mon.
The Smarts walk out in to the outer office and head for the briefing room door on the right. Max starts to push the opening button, but the door isn’t opening.
Max: Trudi, what’s wrong with this door?
Trudi: Oh, the CIA is using the briefing room for a seminar.
Zach: (pounding on the door) Dirty rotten bastards! Give us back our briefing room!
Max: (annoyed) That’s it! Tell the CIA if they want to use anything, go to the FBI! It’s like we’re the only spy organization open to other spy organizations.
Zach: Dirty rotten bastards. Now what?
Max: (thinking, then smiles) I have an idea.
The four then head downstairs to the basement, to the communications supply room, right next door to the Weapons Warehouse. Max opens the door and standing there in front of them, against the wall, are six telephone booths. On the strip of the last five booths were the Agent numbers 78, 24, 99, 66, and 35. On the front strip of the first was the word, Chief.
Max: Presenting the phone booths of silence. They were my idea.
Zach: Dad! The phone booths of silence! What a great idea! They’re even personalized!
Maxine: The question is, do they work?
Max: (gleefully) Gee, I don’t know. I haven’t tried them out yet.
Zach: (equally excited) Can…can we try them?
Max: Want to? (Zach nods) okay, c’mon!
The two of them run to their prospective phone booths, leaving Maxine and 99 to stare after them, concerned.
Maxine: (walking over) We really need to find them a hobby of some sort.
The four wait for Max’s signal from his booth and when he gives it, they close the booth doors and wait for their phones to ring.
Zach: Agent 78 here!
Maxine: (playing with the phone cord) 24.
99: (doodling on her note pad) 99 here.
Max: (happily)The Chief loud and clear!
Maxine: Okay, Dad, what’s this all about?
Max: Your mother got a weird phone call last night that we traced to a Peter Harper. He was the regents board director at the Shady Pines resort.
Maxine: Shady Pines. Isn’t that a KAOS front?
99: No, it’s actually a legitimate business, but there has been this influx of KAOS activity since Harper’s been in charge.
Zach: How well did you know Harper, Mom?
99: Apparently not well enough. I still don’t know why he called me. I’ve met him once or twice.
99: His son’s the coordinator for all the Congress balls and parties. So Harper gets invited no matter what.
Max: Harper was killed last night while still on the phone with me.
Maxine: Did he say anything?
Max: They only thing he said was, “the oak in the pines”
Zach: The oak in the pines? What kind of weird message is that?
Max: That’s what we plan to find out. It’s been arranged so that your mother is the new head of the regents board. I’ve gotten jobs for you and Maxine to work as part of the staff. 66 and I are registered guests, so one of you might be checking us in.
Zach: Is Agent 22 helping us on this case, too, Dad?
Max: Yes, I have him staked out in one of the trees in the patio area.
Maxine: He’s a tree? Dad, couldn’t you have gotten something better for him?
Max: It was either that or put him in the boiler room.
Zach: Well, to tell you honestly, Dad, I would rather talk to a boiler than a tree. How are we supposed to get to 22 if he’s in a tree? Don’t you think that’s gonna look a little weird talking to a tree?
Max: Zach, trees are marvelous things. They give us shade, and leaves…
Maxine: And paper.
Max: …and paper. See, Zach? Trees are our friends. Let’s get out of here and head out, huh?
The four hang up and try to leave, except their doors won’t open. Max’s phone begins to ring.
Zach: Dad, I can’t get my door open.
99: Me either.
Max: (pushing against door) They’re just a little stuck. (pushing and nothing’s happening)
Maxine: Dad, these lines to go to the outside, right? You know, like for help in case we are ever stuck in the phone booths of silence. (no answer from Max) Dad?
Max: (pause) Well, I mean, as long as you’re in there, you could most certainly find out…
SETTING: The Shady Pines Resort. After being rescued from the phone booths of silence, the Smarts quickly hurry off to pasadena and into their disgusies. At the front desk, checking in people, is Zach. He is wearing a white polo shirt with the name “Thomas” on the front. As he’s checking in people, Max walks up.
Zach: Hello, sir, and welcome to the Shady Pines resort. Do you have a reservation?
Max: Of course, I have a reservation. The name’s Stanley Maxwell.
Zach: (checking guest book) Yes, sir, Mr. Maxwell. You’re in room 86, on the second floor.
Max: Thank you. (starts to leave)
Zach: Oh, Mr. Maxwell. (Max turns) I’m sure you’ll find Shady Pines in the utmost, Control. (Max gives him a knowingly nod, then leaves to his room)
As Zach continues checking in people, Agent 66 comes around to check in.
Zach: (smiling) Hello, gorgeous.
66: (also smiling) And how many girls have you said that to today?
Zach: Not many. Just nine or ten. Name please.
66: Tracie Lewis.
Zach: Well, Ms. Lewis, I happen to be free for lunch today.
66: What’s that got to do with me?
Zach: (sarcastically) Nothing. You’re in room 66.
66: You’ve been ever so helpful, Mr.…
Zach: Zachary. Thomas Zachary.
66: Well, Mr. Zachary, perhaps you’ll be in the patio today. I hear this place has some very nice…pines. (leaves to her room)
Upstairs in his room, Max is unpacking when there is a knock at the door. He goes to open it and sees 99 outside of it.
Max: (smiling) Well, hello.
99: Afternoon. I’m Mrs. Smart, the new regents board head and I’m just going around and saying hi to all of the occupants.
Max: Well, that’s awfully kind of you. I’m Stanley Maxwell.
99: Well, Mr. Maxwell, I don’t want to take up much of your time.
Max: Oh no, please, do come in.
As 99 comes in, Max closes the door and leans against the door with his arm.
Max: (smiling) Hi.
99: Hi. Did you just get here?
Max: About five minutes ago. Glad you found me though. (goes to kiss her)
99: (moves out of the way) You know, Mr. Maxwell, I am a married woman.
Max: And loyal. I like that.
99: (chuckles) I’ve got to go and do some paper work. Are you going to out and about today?
Max: Probably. I might be by the pool.
99: I’ll see you then. (opens door) Goodbye, Mr. Maxwell. (leaves)
After Max unpacks, he heads out to the pool. A good majority of guests are milling about and swimming. He looks over by the deck chairs and sees 99 and Maxine, who is wearing a white T-shirt with Shady Pines resort on the back of it.
99: Ah, Mr. Maxwell, nice to see you again.
Max: The pleasure’s all mine.
99: Have you met Maxine?
Max: No, I don’t believe I have.
99: Maxine Talbert, Mr. Stanley Maxwell.
Maxine: How do you do, Mr. Maxwell?
Max: (trying to unfold a deck chair) Fine and yourself?
Maxine: Fine. (whispering) I think I found something.
Maxine: Harper was apparently going to defect from KAOS. That’s why he was killed.
Max: (still wrestling with the deck chair) That’s amazing. How did you find that out?
Maxine: I was on morning rounds, so when I went to check on things in the offices, I used my skeleton key to get in to Harper’s office.
99: Did you find what he might have meant by that message he tried to give me?
Maxine: No, but I bet you anything it’s somewhere in the office you’re in now.
99: How can you be sure?
Maxine: That’s where his body was found. Ask Zach. Here he comes now.
Zach came walking down, wearing an identical uniform as Maxine and wearing his shades. He saw a pretty girl walk by and walked backwards as she smiled at him. This distraction caused him to trip over a deck chair that had been unoccupied. As he got up, he saw Max struggling with his deck chair and he walked over.
Zach: Want some help, sir?
Max: Yes, thank you. (whispering) I heard you were in the head office today. What’d you find out?
Zach: (tugging on the deck chair) Harper was found murdered in that office. The owner of the resort, a Mr. Chainy, says Harper was never there, but there’s a small bullet hole in the wall beside the window
where Harper was found. Also, there’re fingerprints from both Harper and someone else in that room. (still pulling on chair) Look, on the count of three, I’ll pull this way, you pull that way. Ready? (Max nods) One, two, three!
On three, Zach pulled hard enough to get himself thrown backwards into the pool. Soaking wet, he climbs out and tries to appear as though nothing has happened. He walks over to Max.
Max: Sorry about that.
Zach: No problem. I’ll just change.
Maxine: Um, Thomas.
Zach: Huh? (realizes that’s him) Oh! Yeah?
Maxine: After you change, perhaps we could check those pine trees in the patio.
Zach: What for?
Maxine: (annoyed) We might FIND something…or…SOMEONE.
Zach: (thinking) Oh! Right! Be right back.
After Zach changes his wet clothes for some dry ones, he and Maxine go to the patio, where Agent 22 is supposed to be in a tree. As they get there, they notice 66 already waiting for them.
66: What took you guys so long to get here?
Maxine: (looking at Zach) Zach had to change clothes.
Zach: I fell in the pool. Have you seen 22?
66: No, but he’s got to be around here somewhere.
The three start to look around for 22. But the time they had gone through just about every tree, they met back at the center tree.
Maxine: I can’t find him.
Zach: Maybe he’s in the boiler room.
Suddenly, the center tree’s face rises up and inside is agent 22.
22: Who’re you guys looking for?
66: Agent 22. (they turn to look at him)
Zach: What have you found out?
22: That I don’t like being a spy in a tree.
Zach: Not that, I mean what information have you gathered.
22: Oh, right. If you’re ever in a tree, get one without squirrels. Trust me.
Maxine: what? 22, have you seen anything suspicious?
22: Not ‘til the three of you walked by! (starts to laugh)
Zach: (annoyed) Look, 22, I’ve had about enough of this.
22: (sarcastically) Well, sorry, Agent Smart! You know, I don’t get the great privileges like the rest of you. You know what my second choice for a hiding place was?
66: The boiler room.
22: Not just the boiler room. INSIDE the boiler! What was your second choice, huh? Deciding whether or not to sleep in a room with the other guests or using the company rooms? I don’t have a lot of fun on
this job, you know. I’m always hiding! Everyone forgets me! And to make matters worse…I think I’m coming down with something.
66: We’re sorry, 22. We didn’t know how stressful you were feeling.
Maxine: What are you coming down with?
22: Dutch elm’s disease.
Zach: That’s it! I’m warning you, 22, if you don’t tell us what you know, I’m walking out and I’m telling Dad to reassign you to the boiler!
22: Alright! You know the owner of this place?
Zach: Mr. Chainy?
22: Yeah. He and some other guy were sitting in here today and they were talking about Harper’s murder.
66: What did they say?
22: They said, with Harper out of the way, KAOS may be able to transport the stolen army microfilm.
Maxine: the Combat special?
22: Right. They also said, though, with Mrs. Smart being on the board now, things will be tougher ever. I think they suspect that CONTROL is on to them.
22: Besides having your mom on the regents board? They’re scared, alright. And I think they might try something against your mom!
Zach: Hmm. Did you hear how? Or when?
22: I think they might try tonight, just so they can get her out of the way. But I don’t know how.
66: Thanks, 22.
Zach: Yeah, and I’m sorry about yelling at you earlier.
22: No sweat. Actually, a lot of sweat. I’m really suffocating in here.
Maxine: Don’t worry, 22. We’ll have this case wrapped up in a hurry, so you can out there. Come on, guys. (leave)
Back upstairs, 99, Max, Zach, 66, and Maxine were all in Max’s room, trying to keep 99 from leaving.
Max: Look, 99, if anything is going to happen to you, at least you’ll be up here with Max and 66.
Zach: Dad and I are going to go downstairs and look for clues.
99: You guys can’t keep me up here!
66: Don’t worry, Mrs. Smart. Max and I will be here with you.
99: (sarcastically) Is that supposed to be comforting?
66: You’re not very good at encouraging, are you?
Zach: Look, Mom, as long as you’re up here, nothing will happen to you down there.
99: What if something happens to YOU down there?
Max: Nothing will happen. Trust me.
99: Well, be careful, okay?
Max: I will. (opens door and hits Zach in the face) Sorry about that.
The guys leave and head downstairs. Outside, Max and Zach decide to split up.
Max: (pointing towards the pool) You go that way and I’ll check the patio.
Zach: Right, Pop.
They head off. Zach starts to walk around the pool. He gets to the high dive and looks up. As he looks at the high dive, a man from behind slowly creeps behind him. Meanwhile, Max is checking the palm trees in the patio. Just as he is about to knock on 22’s tree, he is hit from behind.
SETTING: As Max is being dragged away from the patio by a mysterious man, another man creeps behind Zach. Zach, hearing a noise behind him, turns around and misses a punch from the man. Zach hits the man and the guy falls down. Zach then runs up the high dive ladder. The man, stunned, but all right, sees
Zach at the top of the high dive. He then gets a smile on his face and calls up to him.
Man: You don’t stand a chance, Smart!
Zach: You’re never gonna get me from up here!
Man: On the contrary.
From upstairs, the girls hear Zach’s voice and decide to look out the window to see what’s going on. By the pool, the man has his hand on a switch and is about to pull it.
66: Hey, I think Zach’s in trouble.
Maxine: Well, lets go! (they leave)
At the pool, Zach is inching farther and farther down the diving board.
Man: See this lever, Smart? I don’t think I should go into detail, but lets just say, the bottom is going to drop out from under you.
Zach: Even so, I’ll just go for a swim.
Man: True. I just hope you can out swim that killer snake at the bottom.
Zach repeats what the man said about the killer snake to himself, and as the girls get downstairs, the man pulls the lever and the tip of the board flips down and Zach drops down into the pool. He comes up for air, then realizes he DID see something at the bottom of the pool. Just then the girls rush over the side of the pool.
Maxine: Are you okay?
Zach: Toss me something! There’s a snake down here!
Maxine runs over to the side wall and grabs a pool pole from the side and reaches it to Zach.
66: (seeing Max) That’s not gonna work.
Zach: Max! (going underwater, then coming back up) That’s not gonna work! Get the life saver!
99: Of course, the life saver! (goes to get it)
Zach: hurry up! This thing’s getting closer!
66: Hold on, Zach! Here it comes!
99 tosses the preserver and watches as the sails over Zach’s outstretching hands and splashes behind him.
Zach: (sarcastically) No, no. I’ll just swim to it and hope I’m not eaten by, oh I don’t know. A KILLER SNAKE!
Zach swims over to the preserver and with the rope attached, the girls pull him in.
Zach: (out of breath) Fast work, girls.
Maxine: Zach, where’s Dad?
Zach: I don’t know. He went over to check the patio.
66: We’ll go over to see where he is. You go change.
Zach: Right. I’ll be right back. (leaves)
The girls go over to the patio to look for Max, but can’t find him. They had only been there for a minute when Zach comes running over.
Zach: Girls, I think I found something. Come upstairs with me real quick.
66: Zach, can’t it wait? We have to find the Chief!
Zach: Trust me on this. Just come with me!
So, the four of them went back upstairs. Around the corner from Zach’s room was an office for the manager of Shady Pines. Zach went around and cracked the door without a sound. Inside, Max stood there
about to be shot. In front of him was the owner of Shady Pines, Patrick Chainy.
Chainy: Well, Mr. Smart, you have to understand that I have to do this. You’re the last person on my list to be killed. Your son has just been eaten by a very hungry African water snake and I just sent one
of my assistants to get your lovely female friends.
Zach opens the door quietly and takes out his gun. Max can see him behind Chainy and acts nonchalant.
Chainy: So, Mr. Smart? Any last words?
Max: Yeah. Put your hands up.
Chainy laughs at him. Zach sticks his gun to Chainy’s head.
Zach: I’d do what he said if I were you.
Max: (taking gun from Chainy) Well, Chainy, you’re little KAOS plan is foiled. Let this be a lesson to you.
Chainy: And what lesson is that, Mr. Smart?
Zach: Never try to outsmart the Smarts. (he and Max nod at each other)
SETTING: Outside, by the pool area. Maxine, 66, and 99 are slowly walking around the poolside.
66: So, Shady Pines IS a KAOS front, but they just advertised it so that it would appear to be a regular resort.
99: Yes. If it appeared to be real, they could do their evil doings behind it and no one would be the wiser. If they were found out, all they would do would just import more KAOS agents and continue with what
they were doing.
Maxine: Well’ I’m glad Harper’s son has decided to take this place over. It’s a nice resort.
66: I’m just glad Animal Control took that snake somewhere.
As the girls get to the high dive area, they see Zach and Max on the high board.
66: What are they doing up there?
Maxine: Zach wanted to show Dad that flip board.
66: Well, they better be careful or Zach will have to change his clothes. Again.
As the girls watch, Zach comes running down the ladder and goes over by the board switch. He pulls it and Max goes splashing in the pool. Zach can see his father is a little upset and starts to walk
away slowly. As Max clambers to get out of the pool, Zach goes running by.
Zach: Dad! Dad, can’t we talk about this?
Max: (gets out of pool and starts to chase Zach) I’m going to kill you, Zach!
Zach is still yelling and being chased as the end credits come up.
THE ENDING CREDITS!!!