The Signs of the ZodiMax
SETTING: KAOS headquarters. In the office of Conrad Siegfried, Jr. a mysterious man sat at his desk. He wore all black and black shades. The camera moves to the other side of the office and we see two other KAOS agents, Kelly and Harris.
Kelly: Are you sure he knows what he’s doing?
Harris: Sure, I’m sure. He was recommended to us by the CGE.
Kelly: The CGE?
Harris: The Congressional Group of Evil. They’re really hard core evil. You know the great squirrel fire of 1961?
Kelly: You mean when those little squirrels were sent hurdling into a lighted Moltov Cocktail and then were launched, causing a mass fire from New Jersey to Florida? THEY did that?
Harris: Well, it wasn’t the Queen of England!
Kelly: That IS evil! Those squirrels were in psychiatric care for six months.
Harris: Trust me. If anyone is going to get rid of Maxwell Smart, it’s him.
Kelly: I don’t believe I caught his name.
The man in black turned around to look at the agents.
Man: Zodiac. The Zodiac. You’re problem will be taken care of.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!
SETTING: CONTROL headquarters. Chief Maxwell Smart walked into his office and was greeted by his son and daughter, Zachary and Maxine.
Zach: [patting Max on the back] Happy Birthday, Pop!
Maxine: [pushing Zach out the way, and giving Max a big hug] Happy, HAPPY Birthday, Daddy!
Max: Thanks guys. Now, look, we have plenty of time to celebrate at home tonight.
Zach: What time’s the party, Dad?
Max: It’s supposed to be eight, but keep it quiet. Supposed to be a surprise.
Maxine: Daddy, you know about your surprise party?
Max: Don’t worry. I’ll be surprised. I’m good at acting surprise.
The automatic door opened and Mrs. Maxwell Smart, Agent 99 walked in, went over and kissed her husband. The twins stood, getting a tad bit jealous.
99: Happy birthday, love.
Max: [smiling] Thank you, 99.
99: Come home early tonight, okay? I’ll have a big surprise for you.
Max: Well, good. I love surprises.
Max goes over to the wall screen and raises it. While he’s there, 99 goes over to talk to the twins.
99: Remember to get your father out of here by 5pm. I’ve got the party starting at 6pm.
Zach: I thought we were having it 8pm.
99: We were, but Max found out about it. He’s terrible at acting surprised, so I changed it.
Maxine: Good idea.
Zach: [noticing his Dad] Hey, Pop, what’re you doing?
Max: KAOS has some new hit man on their side. I’m trying to figure out who it is.
99: On the viewing screen?
Max: The President said he might have some sort of lead.
Max turned the screen on and saw the President was already on.
Prez: Smart, I just got word KAOS has enlisted the help of none other than the Zodiac.
Zach: KAOS has enlisted the help of the constellations?
99: Zach, the zodiac isn’t the constellations. It’s all the signs that make up…[turning to the screen] KAOS has enlisted the help of the constellations?
Prez: The Zodiac is a very cunning individual, who works in sequence with astrology and the stars. They supposedly tell him who to kill and when he should do it.
Maxine: [smikring] So basically, we’re dealing with a…nut.
Zach: Not just any nut, Maxine. A star nut. [they start laughing]
Maxine: Is that anything like a macadamia nut? [continue laughing]
Prez: Take extreme caution with this guy. As of this time, there are no pictures or fingerprints of the Zodiac, so you’ll be going on your instinct.
Max: [turning of screen] How’re supposed to catch a killer we have no files on?
Zach: Maybe if I look in my crystal ball…[laughs along with Maxine]
99: Zach, this is serious. The Zodiac has already killed three people in Washington in the last two weeks. [to Max] Max, what’re you gonna do?
Max: I’d like to do nothing. Hey, Zach, why don’t you get on this case? I don’t want anything spoiling my party…I mean, birthday and all.
Zach: No problem, Pop. Max and I are on it. [thinking] Let’s see…I think I’ll get 66 on tracking those three deaths.
Max: Make sure you check out the homes of the victims.
Maxine: Come on, Zach. Let’s do that now.
Zach: Alright. See ya later, Pop. [leaves]
The twins leave the office and go down to the lab to see Dr. Parker.
Zach: What’s up, Parker?
Maxine: Hi, Austin.
Parker: Hey. I’m sure you guys came down here to ask about those three deaths.
Zach: Yes, but I have to tell you something else. Something more important.
Parker: Oh? What?
Zach: Dad’s party has been changed.
Zach: It’s now 6pm instead of 8pm.
Parker: [sarcastically] I’ll remember that. Anyways, about those deaths…
Zach: Yes, [looking through a liquid filled beaker] let’s talk about those.
Parker: [taking beaker from Zach] All three individuals died of horrible torture.
Maxine: Should I ask what kind of torture?
Parker: It’s not as grizzly as you think. I can tell you this. Whoever the killer is, he believes highly in ancient deaths, like Greek and Roman.
Zach: Ancient deaths, huh? [taking a vile from one of the holders]
Parker: [taking vile] Will you stop? You’re like a little kid in here.
Maxine: Austin, by ancient deaths, are you talking about being fed to lions and Roman battles to the death?
Parker: Well, in a sense. [seeing Zach with something else and taking it from him] Do you need to be put in time-out? Now, stop it! [to Maxine] You’ve heard of the tales from the zodiac signs, haven’t you?
Zach: Of course. [picking up something else] Who hasn’t it?
Parker looks at Zach, angrily. Zach slowly puts the item down.
Parker: I’ll tell your dad.
Zach: (sarcastically) Oh well, that would be childish, wouldn’t it?
Maxine: Austin, are you saying that the killer is using the tales from the signs of the zodiac to kill his victims?
Parker: Well, yes and no. It’s really hard to explain. You see, the killer used certain tragic endings from the tales of the zodiac. Like example, General Aaron Hill was killed by a bull while down in Spain
on a retreat.
Zach: [peering through a glass bottle] Coincidence.
Parker: He was in his house sleeping. Or how about Major John MacFarlain, shot with an arrow.
Zach: [stirring a bottle of liquid] Accident.
Parker: He was cruising on a Navy boat! (taking bottle) The point is, Zach, that both cases involve some sort of odd death and I think it relates to Greek myth.
Maxine: Parker, have you ever heard of a KAOS agent by the name of the Zodiac?
Parker: Can’t say that I have, but that would tie everything together though.
Zach: Well, Parker, you’ve been of good help. I guess there’s nothing we can do really. Not until this guy makes a move.
Parker: To make a suggestion, Zach, I would check all high officials and see what their signs are or if they know much on Greek or Roman mythology.
Zach: Parker, once again I have to remind you who’s in charge here. As senior agent assigned to this case, it’s really my duty to figure out all the complicated stuff and come up with reasonable and plausible solutions and/or plans of action. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to handle this. [pause] [to Maxine] Listen, Max, I have an idea. How bout we check out what the signs are for all the high officials in Washington and then ask if they’re into Greek or Roman myth.
Parker: [sarcastically] That’s a wonderful plan, Zach.
Zach: [smiling] Thank you, Parker.
Maxine: Austin, how are we going to fight someone with this kind of hold over Washington?
Zach: Don’t worry, Max. We’ve handled this kind of thing before.
Parker: Yes, but never anything in this scale. There’s nothing really I can do for you. It all depends on your stealth abilities and your common sense of knowledge.
Maxine: Well, that’s fine and dandy for me, but what about Zach? What will he do?
Zach gives Maxine a dirty look before leaving. Max said goodbye to Parker and followed her brother. Their first and only reasonable stop took them to the house of Sir Lloyd Weber Andrews, a British naval intelligence man who had been helping with shipments of firearms to England. Sir Andrews had also been shot with an arrow in his own home. The twins looked around downstairs for awhile before proceeding up to the bedroom.
Maxine: Sir Andrew was killed in his bed while reading. [entering bedroom]
Zach: [looking around] Well, here’s your problem here.
Zach walked over to one of the walls and pointed at a small statue of Cupid, holding a bow.
Zach: It was an accident, sis. See? Sir Andrews was shot by his own Cupid.
Maxine: Okay, Sherlock Holmes, explain to me how. There’s no arrow and I doubt this little statue comes to life.
Zach: Elementary, my dear and skeptical Watson. The reason there’s no arrow is because that’s what did Sir Andrews in. See how the statue is at an angle in the wall? The arrow probably broke off, caught a burst of wind and sailed down killing Sir Andrews.
Maxine: [looking at her brother] And that makes sense to you?
Zach: [hesitant] Sort of.
Maxine: Which part didn’t make sense?
Zach: Everything after ‘elementary, my dear and skeptical Watson’. [Maxine nods in agreement]
Maxine: Some how Zach, that little statue was rigged to shoot an arrow at Sir Andrews.
Zach: Alright. Let’s start looking for wires and the like.
Maxine starts to look around the bed for wires, while Zach checks the bed. He soon gets on it and starts stretching his arms out and looking at them strangely. He then looks up at the cupid hanging from
the wall and starts to figure out trajectory of the arrow if, by his theory, had just fallen off.
Maxine: [looking up at Zach] What are you doing?
Zach: I think my idea might actually have some barring, sis.
Maxine: If you believe that, you’re weirder than I thought.
Zach: [looks at Max, then turns back] You’re just jealous.
Maxine: [continuing to search] Will you just start helping me search the room?
Zach: In a minute, in a minute.
With Maxine busy looking for suspicious items and Zach preoccupied with his theories, neither twin noticed a small door in the corner open. Out from it came a huge, long, slithery snake. It made it’s way slowly toward the twins, who were very unsuspecting.
Zach: [getting off of bed] Alright, alright. What are we looking for?
Maxine: [looking at Zach] You said wires.
The camera takes a close-up to the snake, who’s making his way slowly underneath the bed. The camera switches back to the twins, who are now arguing over what they are looking for.
Zach: Instead of wires, let’s look for something concrete. Like an arrow.
Maxine: You mean if we look for the arrow, that’ll prove this was staged?
Zach: No, but it will prove that I’m right if we don’t find one.
The camera takes another shot at the snake, that is now inching closer to the twins as they speak.
Zach: [hearing something] Hey.
Zach: Hear that?
Maxine: Hear what?
Maxine: That really narrows it down, Zach. Did that sound like this? Or perhaps like what.
Inch by slow, agonizing inch the snake draws closer.
Setting: The house of Sir Lloyd Weber Andrews. Zach and Maxine are searching for clues, unknowing that a deadly snake slowly approaches them.
Zach: Hey, Max. Let’s stop.
Maxine: We haven’t found anything yet! At least wait until we find something.
Zach: Yeah right, Max. Like clues just come up out of nowhere and bite you on the leg.
The camera takes another shot at the snake, who is now at the back of Zach’s heels.
Maxine: If you were actually looking for clues, Zachary…
Maxine: [startled] What? What is it?
Zach: You’re not going to believe this…
Maxine: What? Zach, what’s wrong? Did you find something?
Zach: It’s more of I discovered something that could forever jeopardize our lives as we know it.
Maxine: Well what? What is it?
Zach: [pointing at watch] It’s almost 4:30pm. We told Mom we’d have Dad out of the office at 5pm.
Maxine: [stunned] What?
Zach: It’ll take us fifteen minutes to get back. [standing up quickly] If we leave now…[pause] EEWWW!!!
Maxine: [sarcastically] Now what’s wrong? [stands up also]
Zach: I stepped on something.
Zach: [looking around his feet] I don’t know. I think some sort of snake.
Maxine: Some sort of…[double take] SOME SORT OF SNAKE!! Zach, are you sure?
Zach: Well, what’s left of it looks like a snake. I wonder if it’s real.
They both look at Zach’s shoe and cringe at the sight on the bottom sole.
Both: It was real.
Maxine: I wonder how it got in here.
Zach: What’d you mean how it got in here? It probably came through one of the vents.
Maxine: Zachary, first of all, that’s a poisonous snake or rather what’s left of it.
Zach: It probably escaped from the zoo.
Maxine: Zach, I’ve never heard of snakes escaping zoos and finding themselves in houses, especially in November.
Zach: Look, let’s worry about this later. The more time we spend here, the less time Dad gets to bask in the glory of a surprise party.
The scene shifts to Max’s birthday party at the Smarts’ house. Zach and Max come out of the kitchen with drinks in their hands. As they say hi to guests, they talk about the deadly snake in the home of Sir
Max: Zach, are you that snake came in through the vent?
Zach: That’s the only way it could’ve happened, Dad. Max and I were the only ones in the house.
Max: That you know of. [saying hi to other guests] [to Zach] If what Parker told you is true, this might be a more difficult assignment than you realize.
Zach: You really think this Zodiac guy is following ancient myths to kill his victims?
Max: It makes sense to you, doesn’t it? All the deaths have to be tied in some how.
Zach: Alright. Then what do we do now?
Max: [looking around] Look, when the party winds down, you get Max, 66, and Parker in the kitchen and we’ll go over what to do next.
Just then a man walked up to Max while he was talking. He was wearing a black turtleneck, with a black jacket and black slacks.
Man: Good evening, Mr. Smart. You don’t know me, but I’m a friend of a friend who’s attending the party tonight.
Max: Oh? Well then, how are you enjoying yourself?
Man: Fine. Just fine. I just came over to wish you a happy birthday.
Max: Well, thank you very much, Mr…
Man: Turner. Nathan Turner.
Max: Thank you, Mr. Turner. [pointing to Zach] This is my son, Zachary.
Zach: How do you do, Mr. Turner? [shaking hands]
Turner: You have a marvelous sign, Mr. Smart.
Max: Astrology man, I see.
Turner: Yes. The…movements and positions of stars fascinates me. Ever since I was a little kid. Learning about constellations was always a favorite past time of mine.
Zach: You’re in luck then, Mr. Turner. My sister’s friend is an expert on stuff like that.
Turner: Really? I should love to meet him then.
Max: You replied I had an interesting sign, Mr. Turner. [handing him a drink]
Turner: Yes. [taking drink] Scorpio, isn’t it? One of the rare zodiac constellations that actually look like its namesake. Scorpions are fascinating, really. No known cure for the poison it inserts into its
Zach: [surprised] You find that fascinating?
Turner: Oh no! Not the death aspects of it. Just the creature itself. Of course, the things we don’t understand always fascinate people. Don’t you think, Mr. Smart?
Max: Well, when you think about things you don’t understand, you’re bond to come to an understanding of the thing you want to understand, thus understanding what it is you are…understanding. [confused] [Zach and Max look at each other in confusion]
Turner: I think I understand, but this isn’t a time for philosophy, Mr. Smart. You have a party under way. I’ll be seeing you later, Mr. Smart. And a happy birthday to you. [turns and leaves] May it be your
Setting: The Smart home. Everyone had just cleaned up after the party and were talking in the kitchen.
66: Chief, do you really think the Zodiac is planning on killing someone else?
Max: That’s just it. I don’t know.
Parker: If we knew who the Zodiac was going after, that might help us find out who this guy is.
Zach: Hey, wait a minute! Of course! [getting up] Why didn’t I think of this before? [goes to phone and starts to dial] Hello. General Mathers? Zachary Smart. General, I want an all out Code Red for all of Washington.
Zach: [on phone] Yes, sir. I want a hundred of your best troops surrounding all of Washington. Every port, every road, every town in this city.
Zach: [on phone] Yes, sir, this is an emergency. This is a DIRE emergency! The world as we know it rests on your actions. [pause] Yes, sir. I thank you and your country thanks you. [hangs up] [to everyone]
Well, everything’s in place.
Parker: Zach, do you realize you just called a Code Red on Washington?
Zach: [smirking] Yeah. That’s what my plan was. With all of Washington covered, how is the Zodiac POSSIBLY going to kill another person in authority? He’s as sure as caught.
99: Who’s as sure to caught, Zachary?
Zach: The Zodiac!
Max: How is he going to get caught if no one knows who he is?
Zach: [pause] Ah, yes. Well, see…[another pause] [gets on phone and starts to dial] Hello, General Mathers? Zachary Smart. Remember that Code Red I had you put on Washington?
An hour had past with the Smarts and friends still trying to come up with something.
66: If there was a way we could lure the Zodiac into the open, we’d be able to find out who he is.
99: That’s a little hard to do, 66. He’s not just going to come up to us and say, “hi, I’m the Zodiac.”
Parker: I wish we knew who he’s next victim was.
Max: Yes, well there’s really only one way to find that out.
Voice: Hands up, please.
Everyone turns to see Nathan Turner standing in the kitchen door, holding a gun.
Zach: That’s the way.
In a matter of minutes, Team Smart were tied to chairs in the living room. Turner walked around them, inspecting the ropes that bonded them.
Max: I don’t want to seem out of line, Turner, but just do you think you’re doing?
Turner: I’m going to kill you, Mr. Smart.
Maxine: Okay. [pause] Wait. ALL of us?
Turner: All of you.
Zach: You didn’t like the party? There are others ways of telling us that.
Turner: You have no idea who I am, do you?
99: No. Should we?
Turner: You should.
Zach: Of course! Why didn’t I see it before? You’re Billy Wilson. You used to pick on me when I was ten. You’re coming back for revenge.
Turner: Sorry, Zachary. You’ve got the wrong person.
Parker: Are you a union representative?
Turner: I’m the Zodiac, you morons!
Maxine: You don’t have to be harsh.
99: What are you planning to do to us?
Turner: Now there’s a question. I had to think about it long and hard, but then it came to me. To celebrate Maxwell Smart’s birthday, I thought perhaps to be fitting involved something Scorpion. [holds up a bag] So I brought a couple of scorpions with me.
Max: Now what just a minute, Zodiac! You’ve already ruined my party by being here uninvited and you’ve ruined my birthday by trying to kill me. Now you plan to ruin my house and home with your disgusting little scorpions. Well, right there, Zodiac, is where I draw the line!
Turner: Don’t worry, Smart. These are trained insects, under my orders of course.
66: What do you mean, “trained”?
Turner: Very simply. These scorpions are trained to kill you all and I do mean all of you. After they’ve murdered you, they are trained to leave the scene of the crime, thus leaving those you find your body mystified as to what killed you and even if they DO find it was scorpions, we will be long gone.
Zach: Long gone to continue to murder high officials in Washington?
Turner: Dear boy, what makes you think I plan to stop at Washington? There are other cities in this country with military bases and high offices I can get to. Just ask Sir Andrew. [laughs] Oh, but wait. He’s dead.
Maxine: Call me dense, but I just don’t see the connection in these murders.
Parker: Don’t you see? Sir Andrews was a Sagittarius, the sign of the archer. As was Major MacFarlain.
Zach: And General Hill was a Taurus.
Max: The sign of the bull.
Turner: very good. I’m very proud that you all are so interested in my work. Unfortunately, we play on two sides of opposite teams.
Zach: Mr. Turner, I hope you don’t mind if I ask you one question before our…untimely demise.
Turner: Would this question be perhaps about my sign, young Zachary?
Zach: It would perhaps be.
Turner: [sighs] Really, Zachary. Do you really honestly think I’ll fall for the old give-your-zodiac sign-away-only-to-be- used-against-you? Really. I didn’t just wake up on this planet.
Zach: [laughs] That’s…that’s a good one.
Turner: Now, if you don’t mind, I have to let these little guys out. They’ve been waiting for this all day.
Turner turns and starts to look for a good place to drop the scorpions.
Turner: Tell me, Mr. Smart, seeing as this is your birthday and all, how would you like to die?
Max: Old age?
Turner: [laughs] Sorry, but that’s not an option. I meant would you like to die quickly or the patented slower version where the scorpions inch closer and closer, beads of sweat rolling down your faces as your hearts start to beat faster and faster, knowing that at any minute you’re going to die. The one where you might die of a heart attack before the scorpions even get to you. Would you like that one?
99: Couldn’t you just shoot us instead?
Turner: Oh, Mrs. Smart. Shootings are so messy. And you have such a lovely home, I would hate to get blood all over it.
99: [sarcastically] You’re very kind and considerate.
Turner: I think I’ll give you the benefit of a doubt and let you have the slow, agonizing way. Seeing as it’s Mr. Smart’s birthday.
Max: Couldn’t I just get a shirt? Or maybe a nice tie?
Turner: [placing scorpions] Oh no, Mr. Smart. Only the best for you.
66: You know, you’ll never get away with this.
Parker: I disagree, 66. I think he’s doing a pretty good job as we speak. [to Turner] Mr. Turner, if I may, I’d like to guess what zodiac sign you go by.
Turner: You can if you may, Mr. Parker…
Parker: Doctor! Dr. Parker! I didn’t spend six years in medical school to be called mister, thank you.
Turner: Please forgive me, doctor. You had been saying?
Parker: Well, there’s seems to be this fascination with scorpions, so I’m guessing you are also a Scorpio.
Turner: Noble guess, Dr. Parker, but I’m afraid you’re wrong.
Zach: You are so mean! Is it too much to ask to know what your freakin’ sign is?
Turner: I, being the noblest of beasts, can not be swayed by your words. If you’re not careful, I might snap. [placing empty bag in pocket] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with a Captain Ryan
at the zoo. It was nice knowing you for the moment. Too bad it has to end this way.
Max: It doesn’t have to, you know. I mean you could untie us right now, let us tie YOU up, call the police, they’ll arrest you, and you’ll get life in prison, maybe twenty-five years with good behavior.
Turner: Your little tricks won’t work with me, Smart. Ado, parting is such sweet sorrow.
Turner side stepped the scorpions and made his way out the door, leaving TS sitting there, watching the approaching insects.
99: Oh, Max, what are we going to do?
Max: First of all, 99, don’t panic.
Zach: Don’t panic!? We’re going to be killed by scorpions and you’re telling her not to panic?
Max: I said that, Zachary, because I have an idea.
66: Chief, you’ve got a plan!
Max: Yep, and it’s foolproof. First, we undo these ropes, then we call an exterminator to get rid of these scorpions, then we’ll call the police, find the Zodiac, have him arrested and taken to jail.
Maxine: Great! How do we get out of these ropes?
Zach: You said we’ll undo the ropes. How do we do this?
Max: [pause] Well, we’ll just…[moving around in his chair]Um…see, if I can…um…[pause] Okay, so I didn’t really think through this like I should have, but over all, at least we have an outline of what to do.
66: Parker, you must have something to get us out of this.
Parker: Well…[thinking] Of course!
99: You have a plan!
Parker: No, I just realized what sign the Zodiac is. He’s a Leo.
Everyone sits in silence and stares at Parker.
Zach: [angrily] What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Parker: Don’t you get it? He’s planning on killing Captain Ryan at the zoo. He’s going to somehow get Ryan fed to the lions!
Max: [annoyed] Well, a lot of good that does us now, Parker. How are we going to stop him?
Parker: Chief, I just think of the ways KAOS plans to handle things. You’re the man with the plan.
Zach: Hey, I think I got an idea.
99: One that works?
Max: [dirty look directed at 99] Don’t criticize, 99. I gave us an outline to work with.
Zach: I forgot all about it. I have a razor blade in my cufflink.
66: Zach, that’s great!
Maxine: And not too soon. [glancing at scorpions] Those scorpions are getting closer.
Zach activated his razor cufflink and quickly got started on cutting his ropes, watching as the scorpions were getting closer and closer.
99: Zach, hurry!
Zach: [still working on ropes] Believe me, Mom, I’m not stalling.
Zach continued to struggle as one of the scorpions reached Maxine.
Maxine: [whining] Hurry, Zach!
Zach tried one more time and this time he got through the ropes. He tore them off and quickly rushed to Maxine and kicked the scorpion off her foot. He then untied her and the two frantically worked on untying
99: Max, what are we going to do about the scorpions?
Parker: A simple call to an exterminator should rid them, Mrs. Smart.
99: I’m not going to leave and let them have run of the house! Of course, I’d rather not stay…
Max: [to Zach] Look, I’ll stay here with your mother. You guys go find Turner.
Zach: Right, Pop! [starts to leave, but stops]
Max: Zach, I did mean right now.
Zach: Wait a minute, Dad. It’s after eleven o’clock. Why would anyone be at the zoo at eleven o’clock?
99: [thinking] That’s it!
Max: Right, 99. [confused] [to 99] What’s it?
99: Turner didn’t say Captain Ryan would be at the zoo, he just said he had an appointment with him.
Parker: Of course. Turner plans to kidnap Ryan and bring him to the zoo.
66: But what if Turner went to the zoo and got a lion?
Zach: That’s highly unlikely, 66, but a good point. We’ll just have to split up. Parker, you and Max go to Ryan’s house; 66 and I will check the zoo.
Max: And hurry! These scorpions still think we’re on the menu for dinner.
In order to avoid the scorpions, the four went out the back, went around to their cars, and drove to their destination. It only took fifteen minutes for Zach and 66 to get to the zoo. They quickly got out of the car and found the doors to the zoo ajar.
Zach: Well, we know he was here. Whether he’s still here is yet to be determined.
They entered the zoo and started to head straight back for the lion cages. Before they got there, 66 pointed to a figure tied to the inside of the lion cage, struggling to get free. The cage door was open and they both saw Turner laying a trail towards the figure.
Zach: Come on.
The two quickly and quietly approached the cages, making sure not to disturb Turner or the lions as they slept. 66 quickly ran to Captain Ryan and started to untie the knots holding him, while Zach crept inside the cage to get the jump on Turner. When Ryan was free, he slipped out of the cage door, making Turner stand up and turn around, only to be punched by Zach.
Turner fell onto one of the lions, who stirred slightly. The men circled the cage, until Turner was able to run for the cage door and try to escape. Zach caught him in mid air as Turner tried to escape,
thus closing the door and locking them both in. 66 quickly ran up to the door to try and open it, but with no use.
66: [shouting] Zach, the door’s locked! Turner must have the key!
Upon hearing this, Zach looked at Turner and Turner looked at Zach.
Zach: Give me that key, Turner.
Turner: That is something I can not give, Smart, but the gift of death to you is surely a pleasure that will be well rewarded by KAOS.
Zach: Neither of us stands a chance in here, Turner. Not with those lions waking up over there. Give me the key and we’ll both get out alive.
Turner: [taking out a knife] There’s only one way out, Smart. And I’m afraid only one of us can get out.
Turner lunged at Zach, but he quickly jumped out of the way and punched Turner into the other side of the cell. He then came over Turner, only to have the knife swiped against his stomach. Zach stumbled backwards in pain and Turner saw his chance. He ran towards Zach, knife in hand, but Zach was quick, took hold on Turner and tossed him into the dark crevice of the cave.
Apparently, that throw was all that was needed to wake the lions, because soon after, Turner’s screams could be heard from the back and a mighty roar went up after the screams died down. In pain, Zach soon
realized he was still in the cage along with the lions and now there was no hope in getting out without the key. He quickly ran to the door and tried opening it.
66: Zach, it’s locked!
Zach: Well, unlock it! I could be in a lot of trouble here.
Ryan: We’re trying, Smart. We’ve used everything to open the door, but nothing works.
The sound of running could be heard from the entrance and Parker and Maxine ran up to the cages.
Parker: [looking inside cage] Where’s Turner?
Zach: He’s gone to that big zodiac sign in the sky, never mind him! Get me out of here! I have a feeling it’s midnight snack time for the lions.
Maxine: Well, where’s the key?
Zach: The key is with Turner, or what’s left of him, and what’s left of him is probably back there somewhere and I’d rather not go back there, because I might meet him in some lion’s stomach.
66: Or rather what’s left of him.
Ryan: Perhaps if we call the zookeeper, he might have some spare keys on him.
Maxine: I’ll go look. [takes off running]
Zach: And hurry! I don’t think these guys are in any mood for jokes or any form of entertainment. And I’m certainly not going to impress my opinions on them now.
Setting: The Washington Zoo, the next morning. TS was going over a report for the police and the zookeeper.
Zach: So, all’s well that ends well.
66: You mean, except for Mr. Nathan Turner. I feel awful about the way he died.
Zach: Hey, I did offer to have us both escape, but he wouldn’t take it. If only he had used that key for niceness…instead of trying to kill me.
Max: Well, at least Captain Ryan’s safe. He’s on a charter flight right now delivering top secret plans to a Naval boat in the Atlantic. Just think what would have happened if Turner had gone through with his plans.
Zach: Yes, [placing a hand on his stomach] [sarcastically] I can imagine.
Parker: Well, at least we won’t be hearing from the Zodiac anymore. But you have to admit, he was a brilliant mind. Staging those deaths according to zodiac signs. Just the cleverness of it is amazing.
Zach: Just to have it back fire on him and being eaten alive by lions. Sad, really.
99: For Turner?
Zach: No, for the lions. Just think about the cholesterol they digested last night. And the fat intake. I bet Turner could kill a horse. [everyone starts to walk away] [after them] Besides, lions aren’t supposed to be eating humans. It’s unhealthy!
THE NEW ENDING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!