The Pentagon Adventure
SETTING: CONTROL headquarters. In the office of Chief Maxwell Smart, Agent 78, Zachary Smart sat at the desk of his father and boss. That week had been very kind to Zach. Both his parents and sister were out of town at the Annual CONTROL Conference. Agent 66 had gone on behalf of the CONTROL Women Agents Guild and Dr. Austin Parker had gone on behalf of the boys in the lab. So this left Zach all alone and in charge. And he was loving every minute of it. He had only one thing to do before heading out for the weekend. All he had to do was drop off top secret papers at the Pentagon that afternoon. Zach figured he check in with his dad and tell him how things were going. Zach starts to dial his father’s shoe phone and the scene switches to the Annual CONTROL Conference in Louisiana.
There’s a crowd listening to a speaker when a phone’s ringing can be heard. The camera starts to look around until it reaches the seats where the other members of Team Smart are located in the front row. Max is trying to act like he doesn’t hear anything, but the look from his team and the looks of everyone around him, cause him to stand up and head for a nearby, empty hallway. Once sure no one would be coming, Max takes off his shoe and answers.
Max: Chief Maxwell Smart here.
The scene then goes back to Washington, where Zach was sitting happily at the desk. The scene switches back between the two.
Zach: Hi, Pop!
Max: [annoyed] Zach, I told you not to call unless it was an absolute, dire emergency.
Zach: No hi, son? No, how are you, son? [hurt] You know, Dad, I called to let you know that I was okay and you had nothing to worry about leaving me in charge. I wanted you to know that you can count on your one and only son to protect the nation and dispense with the evils brought on by KAOS. I called to let you know that, Dad.
Max: Zach, you called to let me know all those things. On Monday and then again Monday night. Tuesday morning, Wednesday afternoon…
Zach: And all I ask in return, Dad…is a simple hi.
Max: [sighs] Hi, Zach. How are you?
Zach: Not too bad. You?
Max: I was watching a demonstration on counter-espionage and the new counter-tech weapons, but I got a phone call.
Zach: Now that’s rude. There you are in groovy little Louisiana, sitting, trying to learn valuable information on the new spy technology and some idiot goes and calls you in the middle. People like that should be shot.
Max: Zach…don’t be so hard on yourself. What was it you wanted?
Zach: Eh? Oh, yeah. I just wanted to tell you that in twenty minutes and sixteen seconds, General Hank Carter will have the top secret blue prints of the new anti-destructo missile in his hands.
Max: Well, Zach, why you don’t you call me back in twenty minutes and seventeen seconds. That way, Gen. Carter will actually HAVE them in his hands.
Zach: Oh yeah. That’s a good idea, Pop.
Max: Anything else, Zach?
Zach: I guess not. Say hi to everyone for me. Mom, Max, 66, Austin, Agent 43, Agent 32….
Max: [annoyed] Yes, Zach. That would be everyone. Are you sure you’ll be able to get those plans to the Pentagon?
Zach: [putting on jacket and straightening tie] I’m on my way now, Pop.
Max: Well, call me when you get there and deliver the plans, okay? Just so I feel better.
Zach: Sure, Dad. Well, I’d better go and get these down to the Pentagon.
Max: Okay. But be careful. KAOS has been after those plans for four weeks now and we can’t afford to let those plans get into KAOS hands.
Zach: Don’t worry, Pop. I got everything under control. Just in case something happens, I’ll keep the plans until you guys get back.
Max: Okay, but keeping those plans could place you in danger. You’ll have to look over your shoulder at every waking moment.
Zach: And…loving it.
Zach hangs up the phone and heads out of the office into the outer office. He leaves a message with the
office secretary, Trudi, and then gets into the elevator. The elevator lets him out and he soon gets in a phone booth. He picks up the receiver, gives his code and hangs up. The air pushes him up into the top elevator and lets him out into a long hallway. As he walks down the hallway, various doors open for him until he gets to a flight of stairs and then climbs them. Another door opens and reveals the CONTROL parking garage.
Zach walks through the garage until he gets to his parking space. He takes the keys out of his pocket,
unlocks the door, and then gets in the car. He drives out and heads to the Pentagon. He drives into the Pentagon parking lot and gets out. He goes through the front door and heads straight for the elevator. On the elevator, Zach pushes for the fifth floor and notices it has already been pushed. Zach looks around and sees a tall man in a trench coat standing next to him. He was wearing a hat, drawn over his eyes, and kept his hands in his pockets. Zach didn’t think anything of it and waited until the elevator stopped.
When the elevator stopped, both men walked out and started to head toward the offices of the national
defenses. The tall man stopped and went into the men’s room, while Zach continued down the hall. Zach stopped to talk to the receptionist, Becky, a pretty brunette sitting behind the desk. As Zach continued to flirt with Becky, the tall man snuck past them and went into the office of Gen. Hank Carter. Gen. Carter sat behind a desk, doing paper work when the man walked in.
Gen.: What’re you doing here? What do you want?
Man: I’m from KAOS, Gen. Carter. And we want the plans for the anti-destructo missile.
Gen.: Well, joke’s on you, my boy. A courier was supposed to deliver the plans today, but so far, he isn’t here.
The scene goes back outside to where Zach is still talking to Becky.
Becky: How do I know you’re really with the government?
Zach: Becky, if I wasn’t, I couldn’t have gotten in here. Now look, my weekend’s gonna be so boring. I have this huge house all to myself. The whole weekend, I’ll be off from work. I’ve got nothing to do. Help a fellow employee of the government. [grins] Have dinner with me tomorrow night.
Back inside the office of Gen. Carter.
Man: I don’t believe you. [draws a gun from pocket] Now, Gen. Carter, I want those plans and I want them now!
In the outer office:
Becky: I don’t know.
Zach: Come on, Becky! I’ve got a groovy little Porsche that you’d look really good in. [leans in closer] Next to me, of course.
In the inner office of Gen. Carter, both men are struggling for the gun. Two shots are heard from the
Becky: [scared] What was that?
Zach: [drawing gun] I don’t know. Get down. Under the desk. Go!
Becky goes under the desk, while Zach walks over to the office. Two more shots are heard from the office. The door opens and Gen. Carter walks out. He takes three steps before falling onto the floor.
Zach: Gen. Carter!
Before Zach can rush over to him, the man gets out from the room. He looks up and Zach sees his face.
Knowing he can be identified, the man raises his gun and starts to fire on Zach. Zach ducks behind the desk where he sees Becky.
Zach: [to Becky] Listen to me. When I leave from this desk, I want you to call security and have them come up here with an ambulance. I’ll try and chase him down. Alright? [Becky nods, shakily]
Zach stands back up and looks for the man, but he’s gone. Zach runs down the hall, looking for the man, but he does see him. He looks around once more and sees a note on one of the walls. He walks over and starts to read it.
Zach: [reading] I know who you are and you’ve seen my face. You won’t make it to the end of the weekend. KAOS can promise you that. You will die!
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!
SETTING: The Pentagon. There’re a couple of men upstairs, moving the body of Gen. Carter. Zach is just down the hall in a phone booth, trying to reach Max. He dials the shoe phone, but doesn’t get an answer. Thinking it might be off the ringer, he decides to dial 99’s cell phone and hopes she will answer. The scene shifts to the Smarts’ hotel room. The shower is going in the background, but we soon see 99 come through the hotel door and she hears the ringing of her phone and answers.
The scene goes back to Zach at the Pentagon. The scenes switch back and forth between the two.
Zach: Mom! Where’s Dad?
99: He’s in the shower, Zach. Why?
Zach: You’ve gotta get him outta there!
99: Why? What’s wrong?
Zach: There’s trouble here at the Pentagon.
99: [hearing the water turn off] Hold on, Zach. I think he’s getting out now. [in background] Max, Zach’s on the phone. [Max rolls his eyes] It sounds important.
Max: [taking phone] Zach, I’m aware that you’re in charge and doing a marvelous job, but calling me everyday, at every hour to tell me is starting to get a little annoying.
Zach: Dad, Gen. Carter’s been murdered!
Max: What! How?
Zach: Just after I got here.
Max: Start at the beginning, Zach. What happened?
Zach: I was bringing Gen. Carter the plans for the destructo missile, when I stopped to chat with the receptionist. Then all of a sudden, I hear gun shots coming from the General’s office. When I opened the door, the General walked out and fell to the floor. Then this other guy came out and looked at me, then fired. When I went after him, I found this note saying he and KAOS are going to kill me this weekend.
Max: You mean, you saw the killer’s face? Zach, that’s great!
Max: If you saw his face, you can identify him! But now you’re in a lot of trouble.
Zach: You’re telling me!
Max: Look, I want you to go home and try to relax. I’m going to call one of the agents to come over and watch you, okay? The conference isn’t over until Monday, but we’ll make an effort to be back by Sunday.
Zach: But Dad, what if I’m not here on Sunday?
Max: Zach, I know you. You’ll make it to Sunday. But just in case, we’ll leave Saturday night. Make sure you double check ANYONE who comes to your door over the weekend.
Zach: How will I know the agent coming to protect me?
Max: Use door code 608.
Zach: Is that baby bunny bounces back brightly bonnie?
Max: No, that’s code 609. 608 is Frank Farley found Frieda Fine’s fine farm.
Zach: Are you sure that’s 608?
Max: Yes, because the counter sign to that is Porcelain puppy pounces proudly pretending.
Zach: No, Dad, I think that’s the counter sign to 607. The counter sign to 608 is Harry Harrison hides hens hurriedly hence.
Max: No, that’s… [getting confused] Zach, how ‘bout I call you when I find which agent is coming and assign you another door code?
Zach: Okay, Dad.
Max: And look, Zach. Make sure your gun’s loaded at all times, but be careful with it. I don’t want you to leave the apartment unnecessarily. What ever you need, get the assigned agent get it for you.
Zach: Alright, Dad. Bye. [hangs up]
Zach walks out of the phone booth and looks down the hall to where Gen. Carter’s body was being placed in a body bag. Zach looked in his hand and realized he still had the manila folder with the plans inside. He decided to go home and try and relax. At home, he made a complete search of his apartment and found that he was the only one there and no one had been there.
He decided to go to the bar and have a drink. As he started drinking, the phone rang. Spooked by the sound and thinking they were after him, Zach dropped his drink, pulled his gun from his waist band and started to shoot. After he had shot all six rounds, he realized it was just the phone. He walked over to answer it, looked around his apartment, and realized he had shot everything up. He picked up the receiver.
66: Zach, it’s 66.
66: Zach, I just heard from the Chief you’re in danger. Are you alright?
Zach: Yeah, but my apartment’s not. I’ve lost two lamps, a mirror, and a shot glass. I also now have two huge holes in my couch.
66: They ransacked your apartment?
Zach: No, I did that. I got so freaked out by the phone that I just…anyways, why the call?
66: Well, this is actually a personal and professional call. See, Zach…
Zach: Hold it.
66: What? Do you hear something?
Zach: How do I know you’re the real 66?
Zach: You heard me. How do I know you’re not from KAOS and just calling me from down the block?
66: Oh, Zach, really.
Zach: No, I’m serious. My life’s at stake here. Now identify yourself.
66: Zach, I’m agent 66!
Zach: Sure you are. Prove it!
66: Alright. How?
Zach: I’ll ask you a question that only the real 66 would know and you answer it.
66: Alright. What’s the question?
Zach: I’m thinking. [gets one] Here’s one. Agent 66 and I went to Florida on an assignment. I made the suggestion that we stay on after we had completed it. Why…did I make that suggestion?
66: Well, Zach, I don’t know. I can’t read you’re mind.
Zach: Oh. Okay, well what happened in Florida that made WANT to suggest that.
66: You kissed me.
Zach: [dreamily] Yes, I did.
66: You see? I really am 66.
Zach: Now wait a minute. You might possibly be her…
Zach: I know, I know. I’m giving you a hard time, but my life’s at stake. I might not see the end of the weekend!
66: I understand that, but you’ve really got to calm down. You should try and relax.
Zach: Yeah, I know. What else did you call about?
66: I wanted to tell you that the Chief is sending someone over to watch you until we get back. He should be by in a couple of minutes.
Zach: Who is he?
66: Agent Sparrs. He’s a transfer from the FBI.
Zach: [surprised] A FBI agent, huh? When Dad sends in a guy to protect me, he’s not fooling.
66: When he gets there, you are to give the sign “Mission Bells Ring at High Tide”.
Zach: Mission bells ring at high tide. Gotcha.
66: Then he’ll give the counter-sign “The Dover is Over for Rover”
Zach: The dover is over for Rover. Perfect. I got it. Listen, um, 66…I bet you guys are having tons of fun down there, huh?
66: Oh, it’s great! I really wish you were here, Zach.
Zach: Well, you know if I catch a plane now, I should be down there tomorrow morning.
66: Zach, you know you can’t come down here.
Zach: Why not? I’ll be safer down there!
66: But, Zach, if you’re here, who will watch CONTROL?
Zach: Agent 22’s here. He can do it.
66: Agent 22’s on assignment.
Zach: Yeah, well what about Trudi? [pauses. Thinks for a minute] How soon can you come back?
66: Zach, you’ll be fine. Listen, I’ve got to go, but I’ll call you later. Okay?
66: Zach, you’ll be fine. Look, I’ll bring you something when we get back, okay?
Zach: Alright. Bye, 66.
66: Bye, Zach. And be careful! [hangs up]
Zach: [to camera] Now, that has to be the most unnecessary thing she’ll ever say. [hangs up also]
Zach looked around his apartment and at the mess he made by shooting. He decided that he wouldn’t take a drink this weekend. He’d get too unnerved.
Zach: [to himself] I’ll watch a little TV. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll sit down right here [sitting on couch] and watch some good ole fashioned TV.
Zach sat down and flipped on the television set. He turned to a movie and started getting very into it.
It seemed it was about a man who witnessed a murder and was being chased by the killers. The man was sitting in his apartment at that moment. The cameras switched around to the window, where a man was standing outside looking through and holding a gun. The man inside was sitting on the couch, very
nervously, looking around. He got up off the couch and started to walk to the bar. He was pouring himself a drink, when another man came from the kitchen. The man at the bar heard footsteps behind him and he froze.
Just outside Zach’s apartment, a man was walking slowly to the door. Back on screen, the man at the bar was standing there, listening to the footsteps behind him. The killer from the kitchen was coming closer…closer…ever so closer…closer still…until… there was a knock at Zach’s door. Zach, scared by the pounding,
pulled his gun out and started to fire, but realized his gun was empty. Then he realized that it was only someone at the door. He looked at the TV and turned it off. He got up off the couch and went to the door.
Zach: Who is it?
Voice: It’s Agent Sparrs. The Chief sent me.
Zach: The Mission Bells Ring at High Tide.
Voice: The Dover is Over for Rover.
Zach: Alright, hold on. [opens door]
Outside the door, is Agent Sparrs. He’s a best dressed man, wearing a blue suit and a white tie over a black shirt. He looks about thirty or thirty-five and has a slight scar over his left eye.
Sparrs: Agent 78?
Zach: Yes, you must be Sparrs.
Sparrs: Yes, sir. The Chief sent me over to protect you this weekend.
Zach: Come on in. [Sparrs walks in]
Sparrs: [looking around] Nice place you got here.
Zach: [closing door] Thanks. Sorry about the mess. I’ve been a little jumpy lately.
Sparrs: Quite alright. [pointing to couch] May I sit?
Zach: [walking over] Please do.
Sparrs: [sitting] The Chief didn’t say much on the phone because of security reasons, but he said your life was in grave danger.
Zach: [sitting on edge of table] Yes. You see, earlier today, I witnessed a murder take place at the Pentagon. I saw the guy’s face and now he and KAOS are trying to kill me.
Sparrs: Have they made their move yet?
Zach: No. [sarcastically] So far, I think they’re just waiting for me to kill myself.
Sparrs: Well, my job is very simple, 78. I am to make sure that no harm comes to you until the Chief gets back from Louisiana. Whatever you need outside this apartment will be taken care off by me or sent here. I assure you, Agent Smart, you’re in the best possible protection.
Zach: Believe me, those are the greatest words I’ve heard today. Look, it’s getting pretty late. I’m going to take a shower. The bar’s over there [pointing to bar] if you want a drink. The kitchen’s behind me if you want a beverage and the TV’s right there. [starts to head upstairs]
Sparrs: Anything particular you want for dinner, 78?
Zach: [on stairs] To tell you the truth, Sparrs, I don’t feel like cooking. Why don’t you order some take out or something? Doesn’t matter to me what you get.
Sparrs: Alright. Chinese okay?
Zach: [heading towards bedroom] Fine, whatever.
Agent Sparrs picks up the phone and starts to dial. He hears the shower running in the background.
Sparrs: Hello, KAOS headquarters please. Kersh, this is Dubrovnik reporting. I’m in Smart’s apartment now. I’m going to order some Chinese. Make sure when it’s delivered, there’s a surprise for Zachary Smart. [smiles]
SETTING: Zach’s apartment. Agent Sparrs had just answered the door and was bringing in the Chinese take-out. Zach was coming downstairs, wearing his personally made Agent 78 boxers that he ordered from the Spy Outfit catalog. He had just gotten out of the shower and his hair was still wet.
Sparrs: Dinner is served, 78.
Zach: Great, I’m starved. [walking on back off couch that connected to the stairs, jumping on couch and then sits down] what’re we having?
Sparrs: [taking a seat] Well, I ordered some sweet and sour chicken, moo goo gai pan, moo shoo pork, fried rice, a couple of egg rolls, spicy chicken, and I think lemon chicken as well.
Zach: Wow, that’s a lot of food. What’re you having?
Sparrs: [pulls a plastic wrapped sandwich from the table] A ham sandwich.
Zach: [shocked] You mean all this food is mine?
Sparrs: Well, I talked to your dad and he said you’re a pretty big eater.
Zach: Yeah, but I’m not a pig! I couldn’t possibly eat all this food!
Sparrs: Well, what don’t you want? Give what you don’t want to me.
Zach looks at the food and picks up the bag of egg rolls. He takes them out and starts to count them.
Zach: Okay, there’re six egg rolls. [pushes two egg rolls over to Sparrs] There.
Sparrs: [confused] There what?
Zach: That’s what I can’t eat. You said whatever I couldn’t eat, give you.
Sparrs: [incredulously] That’s it? Two egg rolls?
Zach: Well, I couldn’t possibly eat six egg rolls!
Sparrs: [looks at camera] [to Zach, sarcastically] Thank you, Smart. You’re very giving.
The two continued to eat dinner and watched TV for awhile. Somehow, Zach talked Agent Sparrs into sleeping in his bed upstairs and letting him sleep on the couch. Sparrs thought this an odd request, but went along with and went upstairs. When he had gone in the bedroom, Zach laughed at him.
Zach: [to himself] I can’t believe he fell for the old switch places with me gag. That way, if any KAOS agents try to kill me upstairs, they’ll get him instead. Oh, Zachy, ole boy, you’re a genius. Pure genius.
Meanwhile upstairs, Sparrs was calling someone on his mini phone.
Sparrs: Kersh, Dubrovnik. I’m upstairs in Smart’s room. He’s trying to make me fall for the ole switch places with me trick. You see, if KAOS comes through the window to kill him in his sleep, they would kill me instead, while Smart rests soundly on the couch. Don’t worry. I got the surprise. I released the scorpion before I came upstairs. In five minutes, KAOS will be rid of Zachary Smart.
Downstairs, Zach was getting ready for bed. He set his alarm clock and put it on the table. As he started the lay down, the phone rang. He sat up and answered it.
Zach: Hey. What’s going on?
As Zach sat Indian style on the couch, a small red insect was slowly crawling up the side of the couch.
66: Nothing much. I hope I didn’t wake you.
Zach stood up on the couch and climbed over the back and went to the bar.
Zach: Nah. I was just getting ready for bed. I’m getting a drink as we speak.
66: Are you downstairs?
Zach: Yeah, I’m sleeping on the couch.
66: The couch? Why the couch?
Zach: I talked Sparrs into sleeping in my room and giving me the couch.
The red insect was steadily making his way onto the mattress of the couch. Zach walked back over the
couch and set his drink down on the back table.
66: Oh, Zach, not the ole switch places with me trick. Zach, how could you?
Zach: Hey, I know it sounds cold and insensitive, but I’m going to die this weekend! I just hope Sparrs isn’t a family man.
66: Oh, Zach, even for you…
Zach: 66, I’m only twenty-four years old! I have the rest of my life before me!
66: I know…
Zach: Sparrs is like thirty-five, forty…he’s already had half of his!
Zach finishes his drink and walks back over to the couch. He stands there, continuing to talk to 66.
66: How is Agent Sparrs?
Zach: Not a bad guy. But I guess we won’t be able to tell until the end of the weekend.
66: How will that help?
Zach: Well, if I’m still alive, he did a great job and if I’m dead…Dad will just have to fire him.
Zach sits down on the couch. The red insect is only inches away from him, just sitting and waiting on his pillow.
66: Well, I guess I’ll let you go to bed.
Zach: You sound tired yourself. Look, I’ll call you tomorrow morning. Will you be in?
66: Before ten o’clock. I’m going to the martial arts exhibit tomorrow.
Zach: [excited] Ooh, bring me back a set of nunchucks. Those things are cool.
66: Sure. Maybe I’ll teach you a new move when I get back.
Zach: [smiling] I don’t know if I should be excited or afraid. I’ll let you go, okay?
66: Alright. Be careful, Zach. I’d like to think that I’m getting you something because I’ll see you again.
Zach: Well, if anything happens to me, I’ll make sure you get something special in my will.
66: Bye, Zach.
Zach: Bye. [hangs up]
Zach is in la-la land. He slams down the phone on the pillow and then realizes the phone is on the
pillow. As he removes it, he sees that he just squished a bug.
Zach: Ew! Agent Sparrs! Sparrs! [Sparrs comes downstairs]
Sparrs: [alarmed] What is it, Smart? Something happen?
Zach: [disgusted] Yes. I squished a bug.
Sparrs: [annoyed] That’s it?
Zach: [surprised] What’d you mean, that’s it? I squished a bug by accident on my pillow! Now I have blood and guts on my pillow!
Sparrs: [looking at pillow, realizes what bug was] Smart, do you realize this is a deadly scorpion? Or rather, it WAS?
Zach: Deadly scorpion…[does double take] A deadly scorpion!? [stands up] Sparrs, do you realize what this means?
Sparrs: Yes. KAOS must know you are here and haven’t left.
Zach: It means one other thing, too.
Zach: I’ll have to get new pillow cases.
Zach: You don’t expect me to sleep on the same pillow case as a dead, squished, deadly scorpion, do you? That’s insane! And I won’t have it! Tomorrow, you’re going to take that pillow case down to the cleaners and have it thoroughly cleaned.
SETTING: Saturday morning. Zach was sitting at the table when Agent Sparrs came down from his room. Sparrs looked tired and ruffled. Zach had him up all night checking and double checking the apartment for any other unwanted visitors of the insect type. Sparrs was getting a little annoyed with Zach and wanted to get rid him as soon as possible.
Zach: Hey, Sparrs. How’d you sleep last night?
Sparrs: [looks at Smart] Sleep? How COULD I? You had me up checking the perimeter of the apartment!
Zach: Well, just remember what you’re job is. You are to protect me against all and EVERY danger that might come to me during the weekend.
Sparrs: [a little mad] I am fully aware of my duty, Smart. YOU just remember who will keep you alive this weekend.
Zach: [pause] I’m sensing a lot of hostility from you.
Sparrs looks at Zach, then goes into the kitchen. He looks at the door to make sure Zach didn’t follow him. He then takes out his mini phone and dials.
Sparrs: Are the men secured around the apartment? [pause] Good. Smart’s in the living room now. In about five minutes, he will be by the bar. Each morning he has some kind of vitamin drink. Use the poison pill drop.
The scene switches to the living room, where Zach is around the bar looking for his vitamin shake.
Zach: [holding up two packets] [to himself] Hmm…let’s see…Vivacious Vanilla or Tempting Tropical Fruit…well, I’m feeling a bit rowdy…you’ve got to go with your strengths, of course. I’ll try tropical fruit.
Zach gets the blender, pours the ingredients of the packet and some milk into it and turns it on. After about a minute, he shuts the machine off and pours the drink into a tall glass. In an effort to make a basket, Zach drops the packet on the floor and goes over and picks it up. Just then, a small opening in the ceiling appears and a hand drops a small yellow pill into Zach’s drink.
Then the panel moves back to its original position. Zach turns back to his drink and places the glass to his lips to drink when the phone rings. Zach looks across the room at the phone, puts his drink on the bar, and walks over to the couch and answers the phone.
99: Zach? Are you alright?
Zach: Yeah, Mom, I’m perfectly fine.
99: Are you sure? No excitement at all?
Zach: Mom, the only exciting thing that happened was I squished a bug.
99: Ew. Like a spider?
Zach: No, a deadly scorpion.
99: A deadly…A deadly scorpion!? Zach, do you know what that means?
Zach: Don’t worry, it’s all taken care of. I’m sending Sparrs out this morning to have the pillow case cleaned.
99: [alarmed] Zach! KAOS is trying to kill you!
Zach: [thinking] Really? [pause] Nah, why would they?
99: Zachary! You witnessed a cold-blood murder yesterday! You’re under protected custody! Of course KAOS is after you!
Zach: Mom, [walks over to the window] I think you’re getting a little excited. I’m perfectly fine.
As Zach and 99 talk away, across the street from Zach’s building, sat a long black car. The tinted window rolled down and a .44 magnum came from inside. The shooter aimed it for Zach’s window and had the perfect shot with Zach in front of it.
99: Zach, your father and I feel we should be there as soon as possible.
The shooter in the car cocked the gun and continued to aim the gun at Zach’s head.
Zach: Mom, I’m fine. In fact, you guys should stay an extra day. [picks up a penny from the window sill and starts to toss it in the air]
Zach tossed up the coin and it dropped on the floor, just as the trigger was being pulled.
Zach: [bending over] Oops.
The bullet flew through the window, going over Zach and hitting a plant on the table behind the couch.
99: [hearing shot] What was that?
Zach: [standing] I don’t know. [walks over to plant] But I have a giant hole in one of my plants.
99: Zach! That was a bullet! And obviously intended for you!
Zach: What? [smirking] Mom, something just hit the pot. It was probably that penny I was throwing.
99: Well Zach, I’ve never seen a penny put a hole in a flower pot. We’re coming up there right away.
Zach: [giving up] Alright, Mom. If that’s how you feel, but I’m telling you I’m fine and it was just a penny.
99: If we leave right now, we should be back in Washington by the afternoon or nighttime.
Zach: Okay, but you’ll be missing tons of fun if you leave.
As Zach talked to 99 some more, Agent Sparrs was still in the kitchen, learning of the failures.
Sparrs: You idiots! KAOS is counting on us to get rid of Zachary Smart! It seems I’ll have to take matters in my own hand. Send Agent Parish though the window as planned. We’ll take of Smart. One way or another.
Zach, unable to convince 99 that he truly was safe, hung up the phone and placed it back in its cradle. He thought of something and kneeled down under the table to check on something. As he did, Agent Parish slowly came through the window and started to look for Zach. When he saw him, he removed his revolver and started his approach.
Parish: Stand up, Smart.
Zach looked up and saw Parish with the gun and stood up.
Zach: I don’t want to be out of line, but just what do you think you’re doing?
Parish: KAOS has been wanting to rid ourselves of your presence for a long time, Smart. You don’t know how popular you are to be killed.
Zach: I was always a popular child.
Parish: Now, it will be my pleasure to kill you.
Zach: I hate to disappoint you, you big, stupid ape, but I’ll get the upper hand.
With a swift karate chop to the hand, Zach knocked the gun from Parish onto the floor. Both men struggle to get the gun when Agent Sparrs comes from the kitchen.
Sparrs: [with gun pointed] Hold it! [the men stop and stand]
Zach: [to Parish] Ha! See? I told you. Zach Smart always gets the upper hand. Cuff him, Sparrs. [Parish smiles] What are you smiling about? [to Sparrs] And why are…you [sees gun pointed at him] just…standing…[pauses] It seems I’m a bit out numbered here. Now, I ask you, is that really fair?
Sparrs: [in accent] Shut up, Smart!
Zach: Sparrs, you’re talking with an accent.
Sparrs: Before I was talking with an accent. Now I’m talking right.
Zach: Well, I suppose you know what this means. You’re fired. Just wait ‘til my dad gets home. You’ll be sorry.
Dubrovnik: No, Smart, it is YOU who will be sorry.
Zach: And would you mind telling me who you are?
Dubrovnik: Certainly. I am Mikoli Dubrovnik, from the KAOS Russian sector. This is not our first meeting, Smart. We’ve met before.
Zach: [realizing] Of course. You’re the man with me on the elevator in the Pentagon and also the murderer of Gen. Carter.
Dubrovnik: Correct. Now, Mr. Smart, the plans. Where are they?
Zach: [stalling] What plans? You mean the one I had planned for us today?
Dubrovnik: Stop stalling, Smart! You know what plans. The plans for the anti-destructo missile.
Zach: Oh! Those aren’t plans. Those are blueprints! [annoyed with himself]
Dubrovnik: WHERE ARE THOSE PLANS!?!
Zach: I’m sorry, Dubrovnik, but you’re out of luck. You see, with my high intelligence and quick reflexes, I’ll be able to disarm you and your dumb crony behind me.
Parish: Just try.
Zach quickly delivers a hand chop to Dubrovnik’s hand and quickly elbow Parish. Zach hits Dubrovnik and
he stumbles back, but two against one is uneven and Parish quickly overpowers Zach. Dubrovnik steps forward and delivers a barrage of punches to Zach until one finally puts him completely out.
Parish: What do we do with him now?
Dubrovnik: Get him down to the car. I will call KAOS and tell them we’ve changed plans.
Parish: What do you mean?
Dubrovnik: Instead of talking Smart to KAOS, we’re going to drive to the cemetery. Then we’ll come back and look for the plans here.
Parish: Dubrovnik, I don’t understand. What will we do at the cemetery?
Dubrovnik: We’re going to bury Smart alive.
SETTING: Zach’s apartment. As the scene starts, we see Max, 99, 66, Parker, and Maxine looking everywhere for Zach. On 99’s suggestion, the rest of TS decided to check on Zach and when they got to his apartment, they discover he isn’t there.
Maxine: [from upstairs] He isn’t here.
66: He’s nowhere in this building.
99: Where could he be?
Max: Now, hold it, gang. Zach’s a very resourceful agent. I tought him that myself. If something DID happen, he would have left a clue to his whereabouts. Let’s just think of something Zach would leave as a clue.
They thought about it for awhile, when 66 suddenly snapped her fingers.
66: His tiny tape!
Maxine: His what?
66: [walking over to the table] His miniature tape recorder! [starts looking for it] The last time something happened in his apartment, Zach bought a tiny tape recorder from the CONTROL gadgets catalog. He has it on whenever something happens. [looks under the table] Here it is.
She pulls out a small tape recorder the size of a pinky finger and places it on the table.
66: Now, let’s see if anything’s on it.
Max: It looks like it’s still recording.
66 presses the rewind button, then stops the tape and then presses play.
TR: What do we do with him? Take him to the car. I’ll call KAOS and tell them we’ve changed our plans. [TS look at one another, suspiciously] What do you mean? Instead of taking Smart to KAOS, we’ll take him to the cemetery and then come back and look for the plans. Dubrovnik, I don’t understand. What will we do at the cemetery? We’re going to bury Smart alive.
99: Max! Did you hear that?
Max: [gravely] Yes, 99.
Parker: Did you also hear who’s in charge of this? Mikoli Dubrovnik.
Maxine: From the Russian sector of KAOS. [to Max] Daddy, we’ve got to save Zach! Dubrovnik has killed fifty of CONTROL’s agents in the last two years, bringing his total of murders to one-hundred.
Max: Come on. [heads for door] We’ve gotta be quick in order to stop Zach from becoming one-hundred and one.
As TS rush from Zach’s apartment, the scene shifts to the Washington Hope Cemetery. Parish is finishing digging Zach’s grave, as Dubrovnik watches Zach. Zach starts to stir and stands up quickly.
Zach: Where am I?
Dubrovnik: Nice to see you wide awake, Smart. For this plan to work, you must be alive and breathing.
Zach: And just what do you have in mind?
Dubrovnik: Do you see the grave behind me? [Zach walks over to the grave] That’s your grave, Mr. Smart. I’m going to bury you alive. I’ll give you a fair shake, though. Tell us where you’ve hidden the plans and I’ll only give you a flesh wound.
Zach: And if I don’t reveal the location?
Dubrovnik: You’re going to get in that grave like a good little spy and see your life come to an end.
Zach: So, basically, I die either way. I don’t like those odds, Dubrovnik. I’ll tell you what. You change your plans and I’ll tell my dad not to fire you.
Dubrovnik: [annoyed and irritated] Where are those plans, Smart?
Zach: The only way you’ll get the plans for the anti-destructo missile is over my dead body! [thinks about it] Let me try that again.
Dubrovnik: Das Vedonya, Smart.
Dubrovnik rises his gun at Zach. Before he can shoot, voices are heard from elsewhere in the cemetery.
Dubrovnik turns his head in their direction and Zach quickly rushes him for the gun. The gun falls from Dubrovnik’s hand and Zach punches him. Parish sees the commotion and quickly picks up the shovel he dug the grave with and charges at Zach. Parish swings and misses and gets hit in the stomach
Parish stumbles over to a head stone to rest while Dubrovnik is back hitting Zach. Zach delivers a quick punch to Dubrovnik. He then turns around and is hit full force by the shovel. Dazed, Zach falls back into the freshly dug grave. He’s slightly conscious, but soon everything goes black. Parish helps Dubrovnik up.
Parish: Those are CONTROL agent voices. They’re coming closer.
Dubrovnik: [looks around] Quickly! We must put the dirt in before they get here and discover the body. [the men start to shovel dirt into the grave]
66: [gun drawn] Hold it!
Max: Don’t move, Dubrovnik! Throw those shovels over there.
TS had gotten there just in time. Max had called for back-up and the other agents took Parish and Dubrovnik into custody. TS quickly rushed over and helped 66 get Zach out of the grave.
Parker: From the looks of it, I’d say Zach has a serious concussion. We’ll take him to the hospital, they’ll fix him up there.
The next morning, TS got to take Zach home and he, Max, 99, and 66 sat talking about the trial coming
Max: Well, with the trial coming up, Zach, I’ll personally will be in charge of your well being.
Zach: Thanks, Pop. With you around, I couldn’t possibly be buried alive again.
66: Well, Zach, I guess we’ll take off. [they get up to leave]
Max: Oh, Zach, one more thing. The plans, please.
Zach: Oh, yeah!. Follow me, they’re in the kitchen. [heads for the kitchen]
66: You kept the plans in the KITCHEN?
Zach: Yeah. [they all go into kitchen][goes to the freezer] They’re right here in the freezer. [opens]
Max: Now, that has to the dumbest place to hid a set of plans. [Zach takes out a pizza box] Now, you’ve totally flipped. I think you got hit a lot harder by that shovel.
66: Zach, you kept top secret plans in a pizza box?
Zach: [annoyed] No. Watch. This is an ordinary pizza box, right? [they all nod] But, [flips over box to reveal plans] Underneath guard the secret plans for the anti-destructo missile.
99: Zach, that’s ingenious! Whatever gave you the idea to put the plans in the freezer?
Zach: Well, I was sorta working on a fire and ice premise.
99: I don’t understand.
Zach: See, I initially got the idea from Max. In an attempt to keep her from reading my diary, I put it in the freezer, then whenever she’s here, I turn the thermostat way down to almost freezing. And besides, it’s the last place you’ll look for a diary or…top-secret blueprints.
Max: I’ve got to admit, Zach, that is a very ingenious way of hiding something, but tell me. How did Max help you with this idea?
Zach: Don’t you know where she keeps her diary?
66: No, where?
Zach: In the fireplace. [starts to head for kitchen door] And believe me, after the last time, we vowed never to read each other’s diaries AGAIN.
THE NEW ENDING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!