Clash of the Titan Smarts
Setting: A small shop in Athens, Greece. A crowd was happily eating and dancing, all except a man in the back of the shop, who was arguing with someone. They argued in Greek and finally the two parted
ways, still a bit angered. The first man stayed in the back, picked up a phone and started to dial.
Man: Demetri, he just left. He’s wearing a blue suit, with black shoes and he had a pair of shades on. He isn’t hard to miss. [pause] I’m sure he had the information on him. My men will…extract it from him.
The second man had gone out the back door and found himself in the alley. The man looked around, didn’t see anyone, and proceeded on his way. As the man leaves, several other men start to follow him.
The lone man sensed he was being followed and quickly ducked out of sight. He watched as the group went by, unaware he was looking right at them. The man chuckled a little, but as he turned around, his face took the look of fear.
Man: No! Don’t!
The man’s cries and screams were silenced and as shadows faded off of him, we see his body and a long trail of blood.
THE OPENING CREDITS OF GET SMART!!
Setting: A large office beneath the city. It looks as though we’re in CONTROL headquarters, but we’re slightly wrong. Sitting at a desk is not Maxwell Smart, but another man. He has dark brown hair, with a touch of gray and right now he seems to be in argument with someone else.
Man: How could you lose sight of him!? He was our only hope of getting Papolos and now our only witness is dead.
Man #2: Sir, perhaps we need outside help. Ten of our agents and seven witnesses have been killed by Papolos. I don’t think we can handle this alone any longer.
Man #1: I agree, Sebastian. Perhaps we can get help from the American CONTROL organization. The Chief’s name there. What is it?
Sebastian: Smart, sir. Maxwell Smart. Shall I call?
Man #1: Yes! Quickly! I got word a few minutes ago that another witness has come through to put Papolos away, but I don’t want the same thing to happen to him as well!
Sebastian: Yes, sir. I understand fully, sir. [leaves]
Man #1: I just hope they can help.
Meanwhile, in Washington, DC in the American headquarters of CONTROL, Chief Maxwell Smart had just gotten off the phone with Sebastian in Greece. Before him, at his desk, stood his wife and their children.
99: [seeing Max hang up] What was that about?
Max: That was an agent from the International CONTROL headquarters in Greece. Seems they need our help. I’ll make the flight plan later today.
Maxine: Ah, gee, Dad, I don’t think we can do that.
Max: Do what?
Maxine: Go to Greece.
Max: Why?
Maxine: I don’t know how to speak Greek. Could we go to Spain instead?
Max: No. Look, Maxine, IC needs our help for this case and we’re going to Greece.
Zach: I agree with Max, Pop. I don’t speak Greek either. I didn’t learn that in spy school. I learned Spanish, Italian, and French. Say, could we go to France instead?
Max: [annoyed] No. We’re not going to Spain or France. We’re going to Greece.
99: What seems to be the problem, Max?
Max: It seems a KAOS assassin has been killing off witnesses and agents left and right. They have another witness, but they’re worried that he might die as well.
Zach: So we’re going there to baby-sit? This wouldn’t happen if we went France.
Max: [annoyed] Stop it. We’re not going to baby-sit. We’re there, yes, to watch over the witness, but more importantly we’re there to stop the assassin.
99: Who is the assassin, Max?
Max: We’ll find out when we go there.
Maxine: Why we can’t we know now? This wouldn’t happen if we’d go to Spain.
Max: [annoyed] For the last time, we are NOT going to France or Spain! So stop asking! Alright?
Zach: Alright. We won’t say anything more about it. [gives a look to Maxine]
Maxine: [whispering to Zach] Dad wouldn’t be so testy if we were going to Spain. [Max gives Maxine an annoyed look] What? I just asked…if he thought it was going to rain. [looks at Zach]
Zach: [whispering to Maxine] He’d be more relaxed in France. [look from Max] [surprised] I asked if she wanted to dance.
Max: [annoyed] We’re leaving in the hour. Go home and pack.
Zach: Okay, Pop, we’re going. We’ll meet you at the airport. [leaves with Max] [as the door closes] [to Maxine] He’d be more pleasant if we weren’t going to Greece.
Max: I heard that!
Much later, the Smarts, along with Agent 66 and Dr. Austin Parker, find themselves in Greece. They soon locate the International CONTROL headquarters and are invited in to the office of the chief, Alexi Mirnoff.
Mirnoff: Mr. Smart, how good of you to make it. [shakes hands with Max]
Max: Thank you. [introductions] This is my wife, Mrs. Maxwell Smart and our children, Zachary and Maxine. And these are two of my agents, 66 and 35.
Mirnoff: [to everyone] Pleased to meet you. Please, sit down. [pointing to man] This is my assistant, Sebastian. [to TS] I’m glad you could bring your services here, Mr. Smart. We’ve tried everything in our means possible to capture Viktor Papolos, the most dangerous…and deadliest of KAOS assassins.
Zach: Is he really that dangerous, Chief Mirnoff? Quite frankly, I’ve never heard of him.
Mirnoff: Around here, he is most deadly. He’s killed ten of my own agents. And seven witnesses to his crimes.
66: Seven! Have you any leads?
Sebastian: We do have another witness who’s agreed to testify. That’s primarily where you come in. We have the witness here.
Mirnoff: AC Greene has kindly volunteered for the most dangerous mission. As have you and your team, Mr. Smart.
Max: Chief Mirnoff, I guarantee you this is the best team from the United States. Nothing about danger scares us.
Zach: We laugh in the face of danger.
Max: We don’t know the meaning of the word fear.
Sebastian: That’s very brave, Mr. Smart, seeing as Papolos uses inhumane ways of killing his victims.
Maxine: [worried] What do you mean, “inhumane”?
Sebastian: Well, take one of our own agents for example. Papolos surprised him in an alley, kidnapped him, covered him and his clothes with honey and feed him to flesh eating ants.
Parker: Fear- a feeling of alarm or disquiet caused by the expectation of danger, pain, disaster, or the like.
Maxine: Is that the meaning of the word fear? [Parker nods] Got it. Stored. Memorized.
Zach: [shaking his head] This wouldn’t have happened if we had gone to France or Spain.
Max: [looks at Zach] [to Mirnoff] Believe me, sir, nothing will happen to this witness.
Mirnoff: [to Sebastian] Is Greene in the building?
Sebastian: I’m sure he is. I can go check, sir.
Mirnoff: Please do. [Sebastian leaves] Now, Mr. Smart, it’s most important that you and your team protect this witness at all times. This witness is the only thing that will surely put Papolos away for good.
Max: Don’t worry, sir. There’s nothing that distracts this team.
Just then, a beautiful woman, with light brown hair and green eyes walked in the door. As she walked in, she was about to say something when she dropped her purse.
Almost immediately, Max, Zach and Austin rushed to get the purse, with Zach elbowing Parker and stepping on Max’s hand to retrieve it.
Zach: [handing over purse] Here you go, miss.
Mirnoff: Who are you? What are you doing here?
Woman: I’m AC Greene. I’m supposed to meet an Alexi Mirnoff.
Girls: You’re AC Greene?!
AC: Yes.
Mirnoff: Forgive us, Miss Greene. We were all under the assumption that you were a man.
AC: I understand fully, but I assure you the AC stands for Alexis C. Greene.
Mirnoff: [looking at everyone] Please, sit down.
Zach: You can have my chair, Miss Greene.
Max: No, mine. Mine’s right up at the front where you can see.
Mirnoff: No. [to AC] Miss Greene, you do know where your file is, don’t you?
AC: Yes, sir.
Mirnoff: Get it please. [to guys] You and your team can sit down, Mr. Smart. [guys sit down]
99: [to Mirnoff] You’re letting her go through your files?
Mirnoff: This is not Miss Greene’s first visit here. I had one of the agents show her around and where we were going to keep her files so that no one would find them.
AC: [to Mirnoff from filing cabinet] In the bottom drawer, yes?
Mirnoff: Yes.
AC bends over to get her file and instantly the guys lean their chairs back to see. Zach leans a little too far, ends up tipping the chair too far back and both he and the chair fall to the floor. He quickly gets back up with the chair, though he’s clearly in pain.
Zach: [amid stares from everyone] I’m fine.
Mirnoff: [to AC] Have you found it?
AC: [holds up manila folder] Found it.
Mirnoff: [to Max] Make sure that file and that woman don’t leave your sight for one minute.
Max: I can assure you, Mr. Mirnoff, [glances at AC] that won’t be a problem.
Mirnoff: Good. [stands] Well, I leave the case in your hands then. We’ll do everything in our power to discover the location of Papolos.
Max: And we’ll make sure Miss Greene is delivered back to you in one piece. I guarantee you, sir, nothing can or will go wrong with Team Smart on the case.
Max pounds the desk and accidentally hits a small red button that is hidden on the desk. In an instant, a horde of international CONTROL agents had rushed into Mirnoff’s office with guns.
Max: [seeing men] [to Mirnoff] Sorry about that. [to men] At ease, men.
99: [to Max] Likewise. [look from Max]
The scene changes to a bar somewhere in downtown Greece. The camera goes through the people and finally gets to a back room door. Behind the door, we see a group of men standing at a desk. Behind the desk is a large chair, with someone talking on the phone.
Mysterious person: [on phone] Really? Hmm…that is interesting. Did they arrive today? [pause] I see. Don’t worry. We’ll take care of them. [hangs up]
Man: [to MP] Was that him, boss?
MP: That was him. He says IC has brought in some American CONTROL agents to stop us and…they have a new witness.
Man #2: Is it…?
MP: Oh yes. It’s our old friend. Here’s what we do. We take care of our “friend” and give those Americans a reception they won’t likely forget!
******COMMERCIAL BREAK******
Setting: The Apollo Hotel. The Smarts and co. were getting unpacked and discussing how they would handle their witness.
Max: I’m telling you, 99, the best way to handle this situation is just to watch her day and night.
99: [looks at Max] Who takes the first watch?
Max: Well…naturally, seeing as I am Chief of CONTROL, I think I should take the first watch.
99: [sarcastically] Naturally.
Max: What’s a matter, 99? Jealous?
99: Now, what would give you that idea? I have no reason to be jealous. [knock on door] [goes to door] There is no point to me being jealous.
99 opens the door and sees an excited Zach on the other side.
Zach: [coming in] Dad, I had a great idea. Why don’t I take the first watch with Miss Greene?
99: [puts on hand on Zach’s shoulder] Bless you.
Max: [looks at both of them] Sorry, Zach, but I’m taking the first watch.
Zach: Why?
99: Cause he’s Chief of CONTROL.
Zach: And? [pause] Dad, Dad, Dad. You’re a married man. Why would you want to be seen with some young, beautiful, sensuous woman when you can be here with Mom?
99: [sarcastically] Thank you, Zachary.
Zach: No offense.
99: None taken.
Zach: It was a compliment.
99: [sarcastically] I’m sure.
Max: Look, Zach. I think as long as I wanted us to come here, I should get first watch. [sarcastically] You see, if we had gone to France, you would’ve gotten first watch.
Zach: [pause] Fine. Destroy your marriage. I don’t care. But when Mom divorces you or worst yet, kills you, don’t come crying to me.
99: Now, Zach, that is ridiculous. [pause] I would never divorce your father.
Max: Exactly. [stops and thinks about something] [to 99] You wouldn’t divorce me, but you’d kill me?
99: I didn’t say that.
Max: But you didn’t say you wouldn’t kill me. You said you wouldn’t divorce me.
99: It was implied in my statement.
Zach: [patting Max on the shoulder] Gee, tough luck, Dad, especially when Mom’s a five time winner of the Lamont Cranston. If she wanted to kill, you’d never even know.
Max: Right. [looks at 99] [to Zach] Zach, how would you like to have first watch tonight?
Zach: [excited] Yes! Right on! [leaves excited] [Max starts to laugh]
99: Why’re you laughing?
Max: The boy’s going to get himself killed.
99: Why do you say that?
Max: Look at it this way. I get to spend a romantic evening with you, while he’s out there with AC Greene.
99: That’s what you wanted to do.
Max: [smiling] Yes, but I won’t have Agent 66 trying to kill me later tonight. [pause] Then again…[looks at 99]
99: It was implied!
The scene changes to Zach’s room, where he’s just finished ironing his pants. He was putting them on, when there was a knock at his door.
He held his pants on with one hand and opened the door with the other. AC quickly rushed in wearing a trenchcoat and shut the door.
Zach: [looking at her] Problem?
AC: Oh, Mr. Smart! I’ve had the most trying experience.
Zach: Well, [looking at closed door] come in? Come in and have a seat. [Greene walks to middle of room] Now, what seems to be the problem?
AC: I saw him. Papolos. He’s in the hotel. His men came up and grabbed me, but I barely escaped and came here.
Zach: Are you absolutely sure about that? Papolos knows you’re here?
AC: He must know. Only he and his men would try something like that.
Zach: Okay, okay. Um…look, it’s kinda hot, why don’t you take off your coat?
AC: [blushing] I don’t think I should.
Zach: Why? Are you hiding a bomb under there? [starts to laugh]
Zach stops laughing once Greene does remove the coat. Underneath, she’s wearing a red silk teddy. Zach is stunned that that’s what she’s wearing, he drops his hands and ultimately his pants.
Meanwhile, word of Papolos’ men in the hotel has spread to the rest of TS.
Max: [gun drawn] Did you see where they went?
66: No, but Parker and Max went after them. [sees them] here they come now.
Parker: No luck. They jumped into a car before Max and I even got out there.
Maxine: But I shot one in the leg, so if he wants to live they’ll have to go to a hospital soon.
99: Where’s Greene?
Max: I told her to go to Zach’s room. He’s on first watch.
99: We better check and see if he’s okay.
66: Right.
The five run to Zach’s door, open
it, and find Zach in the middle of the room with his pants around his ankles
and AC Greene wearing a seductive red teddy.
Zach is totally surprise by the intrusion and he looks back and forth between Greene and his teammates,
trying to think of something to say.
Zach: [to TS] [calmly] This is not what you think it is, this is not what it looks like. [looks from TS] I can explain. I mean, sure, I’m standing here not wearing any pants and Miss Greene is in a teddy, but it’s really not what you think it is…though it does kinda look like what you’re thinking but…I can explain. [pause]
66: [annoyed] Well?
Zach: I’m thinking! [pause] You know the fashion show next week?
Max: What fashion show?
Zach: [to himself] Perfect. [to TS] The fashion show next week. AC and I are in it and she came over to…to…
AC: To him my entry into the show. And he was showing me his.
Zach: [looking at 66] Wardrobe. [pause] It was supposed to be a surprise, but now you know. [pause] Oops.
AC: Well, I…uh [picking up coat] I guess that was all, Zachary, I wanted to show you. [heading for door] I’ll be in my room, working on my runway stance. [smiles at group] [leaves]
Maxine: [to Max] I’ll watch her, Dad.[follows Greene]
Max: Well, Zachary…have you anything to say? [closes door]
Zach: Yeah. [annoyed] Don’t you people knock?
66: Zach, of all the low down, dirty stunts…[annoyed] I refuse to talk to you unless you put on your pants. [Zach puts on pants]
Zach: Look, it really wasn’t what you think. I had just finished ironing my pants, I was trying them on when AC stormed in. Please believe me, Dad, I had no clue she was wearing that! If I did, I would’ve LOCKED the door!
Max: Zachary, the point is to NOT compromise our mission. The whole point for us to be here, is to make sure nothing happens to that girl before Papolos is brought to justice.
Zach: Come on, Pop, I know that. I’m son, you know me!
Max: [look on face] I know.
Zach: Hey, don’t blame me. I’m your son.
Max: [points at 99] You’re her son too!
99: No, Max. He’s definitely your son. [look from Max]
Zach: See?
Just then, a scream is heard down the hall.
Zach: That’s Max.
The four rush from Zach’s room and fly over to Maxine’s. Parker met them there and soon, they all notice the door is wide open. Parker went in first and discovered AC on the floor, unconscious. He went to revive her, while the Smarts and 66 checked out the rest of the room.
Zach: How weird is this? AC’s here…Maxi’s gone.
Parker: I think she’s coming to. [AC awakes] What happened?
AC: I was hit on the head.
Zach: Where’s Maxine?
AC: I don’t know.
******COMMERCIAL BREAK******
Setting: The Apollo Hotel. TS was in the room of AC Greene, who was lying on the couch with an ice bag on her head. Max was pacing up and down the floor, while Parker was on the phone. Zach stood at the window, 66 sat on the opposite side of the room, and 99 got to see if Greene was alright.
AC: Mrs. Smart, could I have another bag?
99: [looking back and forth between Zach and 66] Sure.
AC: [looks up @ 99] Of ice?
99: [still looking] [hands Greene bucket of ice] Here.
Parker: [on phone] Yes, sir. We’re waiting for a call right now. We still have her. [looks at AC] Of course. Okay. Talk to you then. [hangs up] [to Max] Well, Sebastian said he’d get all agents on this case and as soon as we know a location, we should call in.
Max: I have a better plan. Mirnoff gave me a homing device, in case we lost sight of AC. We’ll use that instead. [phone rings]
Parker: [picks up] Hello. [pause] Yeah. Hold on. [covers phone] It’s our kidnappers. [places phone on speaker]
Voice: We’ve got something of yours. And you’ve got something of ours. Let’s say we have a friendly switch. I won’t hurt her unless I’m provoked. If you want her, go to the bar on Zeus Blvd and head for the stairs leading down. At the bottom is a door, that will be open for you. No tricks or your little friend dies. [hangs up]
Zach: Well? What’s the plan?
Parker: [sarcastically] Get Max back, if that isn’t too obvious.
Max: I’m thinking.
AC: You guys can’t just hand me over!
Parker: Wanna bet?
Max: She’s got a point. Papolos is just causing trouble here, but at any time, he could come to the States. No, we can’t just turn her over to him. On the other hand, he has Max.
99: So what do we do?
Max: [heads for door] We’re going to that bar.
66: Well, what’s the plan?
Max: [opening door] I’ll think of something in the car. [leaves]
Zach: [following] That’s not very comforting, Dad!
The group leave and head to the bar, known as Aphrodite’s. The group walked in, saw the stairs, went down them, saw the door, and went in. The room was like a basic cave, with the lights dimmed and the rock-like walls.
66: I totally don’t like the looks of this, Chief.
Max: Either do I.
AC: I think it’s rather cozy. Turn around, please.
The group turns and sees AC with a gun.
Zach: [smiling] Hey! AC has a gun! That’s great! Look, everybody, AC’s got a gun.
From behind her, emerged Sebastian, also holding a weapon.
Zach: [smiling] Sebastian! My man, Sebastian. He also has a gun! How cool is this! They both have guns! Isn’t that…[pause] great?
66: [sarcastically] Yeah. Real peachy keen.
Max: So, it was all a very clever plan.
Zach: Of course! The old damsel in distress, villain in the good guys’ headquarters, pull the wool over your eyes trick.
66: [sarcastically] Spare us how many times you’ve fallen for it, Zach.
Zach: [annoyed] [to 66] This happens to my first time falling for it, thank you!
Parker: So, we’re basic sitting ducks. You didn’t really call headquarters.
AC: And even if he had, that homing device of yours wouldn’t have worked either.
Max: That’s very clever, Miss Greene. But you failed in one aspect.
AC: And what’s that?
Max: My daughter Maxine. Knowing her, she’s probably alerted the FBI, CIA, the Navy, the Marines…
Sebastian: We’re in Greece, Mr. Smart. Those factions don’t work here. If you wanted that, you should’ve gone to Spain. Or France.
Max: [look from Zach] [to Sebastian] I wish you hadn’t said that.
99: Where is Maxine?
Just then, Maxine was brought in by two other guys. They let her go and she stood facing AC and Sebastian.
Maxine: So, it’s you. I figured as much. Only a cold, viscous villain as yourself would ever make the guys squeal with delight.
Parker: There were never any squeals of delight from us.
Zach: I might have. Squeled, that is. But just that once.
AC: Well, we certainly couldn’t have done it without Paul.
An attractive man comes from behind him and instantly, the girls are hooked.
Paul: Paul Papolos at your service.
Max: Paul Papolos? But I thought Viktor Papolos was the KAOS assassin.
Sebastian: [smiling] I am.
Guys: You’re Viktor Papolos?
Sebastian: In the flesh. My brother Paul has been playing me since I took the job at IC. Convenient, I think. I got to let Paul know what was going on and he carried out my…work. AC was nice enough to pose as a witness, just so we could get more information from IC.
AC: But then you showed up. No matter. I did my homework [looks at Zach] And knew exactly who to go for.
Zach: [annoyed] Yeah, well, you know what? I was playing you. Everyone knows I DON’T go for brunettes.
Paul: Enough chit-chat. Who wants to be first to die?
Girls: I do!
Max: [sarcastically] Girls, please! Let’s not hear any squeals of delight. That would be unprofessional.
Zach: [on defensive] One squeal and I’m the Benedict Arnold of the group.
Parker: [to Max] Now would be a good time for a plan, Chief.
AC: What plan? You said it yourself, you have no plan.
Max: We may not have a plan, Miss Greene, but I assure you that you three will walk out of here with something to remember us by.
Sebastian: Oh? And what’s that?
Max: Our screams.
Zach: And not delightful ones, either!
Parker: Now you’re just reaching.
Sebastian: Paul, you and I take the men; AC, you take the women.
66: Could we go with Paul instead?
Maxine: We’d much rather like to go with Paul instead.
Sebastian: Stop stalling. [to Paul] And stop encouraging! I think what these Americans need is a nice mud bath.
Zach: Well, if we have to go out, at least you’re providing the beauty tips.
Sebastian: The mud is traced with a high level of acid. You’ll all melt away, leaving no trace of your existence.
Parker: Except our screams.
Paul: Nothing’s going to save you.
Mirnoff: Think again, Papolos!
Everyone turned and saw Chief Mirnoff and about fifty IC agents come through every which way in the small cave basement.
AC: This is impossible! How did you find us?
Max: [holds up quarter] CONTROL’ s indestructible quarter homing device. I never leave home without it.
Mirnoff: [to trio] Rest assured, my young criminals. If you think we can’t put you away, you’re wrong. Turns out, there really IS a man by the name of AC Greene. A. Christian Greene. [Papolos’ look at Greene] [to AC] Too bad you didn’t kill him, huh?
Sebastian: [to AC] [angered] You rotten, little…
Mirnoff: [to agents] Take them away. [to TS] Well, thank you, Mr. Smart. You’ve finally ridden us of Papolos and discovered a leak I didn’t know about.
Max: All in a day’s work, Chief Mirnoff.
Mirnoff: Well, as reward, I hope you will stay on a couple of days. See the city, have dinner. On me.
Zach: If you put it that way, point me in the direction of the nearest restaurant. I am so hungry. I’m starving. I had a Tic-Tac for lunch. [walks away with Mirnoff]
Mirnoff: You should really eat more.
Zach: I know it! [both leave]
66: Well, Chief Mirnoff will certainly have something to remember Zach by.
Parker: What’s that?
Smarts & 66: The bill.
THE ENDING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!