Son of the Craw
Setting: Midnight, one-ish. In a lovely home in the middle of town, a young Chinese American sits at his desk. He’s sitting in front of a computer screen, reading. Satisfied that the documents he reads are correct, he starts getting ready to send them to someone.
Right before his finger touches the mouse, he hears a noise from somewhere in the house. He listens to make sure that he did hear something. When he doesn’t hear the noise again, he goes back to his work…until he hears the noise once more. This time, the young man turns around in his chair.
Man: Hello? Is someone there?
The man gets no answer, but is hesitant to go back to what he was doing. He listens for the noise again
and hears it, this time outside his window. He quickly turns back around and suddenly gets a look of pain on his face. He clutches his neck with his hand and tries to reach the mouse in order to send the documents on his computer screen.
His hand is within inches of the device when he slumps over in his chair. Just then, two men enter through the doorway and remove the body. Another man climbs through the window and goes over to the computer. He quickly scans the documents, then in one click, has them erased.
Man 2: KAOS will has nothing to worry about now.
THE OPENING CREDITS OF GET SMART!!
Setting: The same house. A couple of CONTROL agents were quickly going over the house and were removing the body of the deceased. The camera moves over to find Agent 78, Zachary Smart and his partner, Agent 66 standing and watching. Zach stood with his arms crossed, trying not to fall asleep. Dr. Austin Parker,
the head of the CONTROL lab section, soon walked over to the two.
Parker: Poison dart to the neck. [holds up weapon in a little baggie] Interesting little device. Made out of the finest bamboo, I bet. You don’t find too many bamboo trees in Washington.
66: Parker, have that tested and find out where it came from.
Parker: I have a couple of guesses of my own, but I’ll check it out. [leaves]
66: [seeing Zach yawn] Tired, Smart?
Zach: [sarcastically] No. What gives you that idea?
66: The fact that it’s about three in the morning and you’re wearing your pajamas.
Zach, 66, and the camera look down at what Zach is wearing. Instead of jeans or slacks, he’s wearing pajama bottoms with pool balls on them. Zach looks up and is very casual about the whole thing.
Zach: I meant to do that. [to 66] Are you heading to CONTROL?
66: I’m heading back to CONTROL, yes.
Zach: Okay. Call my dad and tell him to meet us there. I’m going to go home and change. [leaves]
A short time later, Maxwell Smart, the Chief of CONTROL, met agents 78, 66, and 35 in his office. He too hadn’t bothered to change and just came in his pj’s wearing an overcoat.
66: The man was John Ho, a notorious KAOS terrorist. He had lived in that house for a couple of months. Just moved in.
Parker: I found out the bamboo stock is indigenous to a small jungle located in China. The poison I haven’t checked on yet, but it’s effects close off certain blood vessels. I’m sure when the coroners check this out, it’ll look like he had a heart attack. This is some dangerous stuff.
Zach: So why was he killed?
66: There must be something in the house.
Max: Did you guys go over the house much?
Zach: Well, we scanned upstairs, but the house was in perfect condition. So we just stuck in the area of the scene of the crime.
Max: Anything unusual about the room he was found in?
Zach: Just a normal den. Desk, chair, computer…
Parker: Did you check that computer?
66: Chief, I bet whatever reason Ho was killed, has to do with that computer.
Zach: That may be so, but you’d have to get a computer wiz to hack through it. Especially if someone has deleted files without a trace.
Parker: Get Max to do it. I taught her everything I know about replacing files that have been erased without a trace.
Max: Okay. [to Zach and 66] Tomorrow morning, the two of you take Max with you to Ho’s house and find out what’s on or WAS on that computer.
The scene changes to a downtown warehouse. Inside, the same three men from earlier are sitting around, talking. Another man enters with some disturbing news.
Man: Bobby, we got problems. I just found out CONTROL just got finished with John Ho’s house.
Bobby: Tommy, clam down. We cleaned the place. There’s no evidence to connect us. We’re in the clear.
Tommy: Not quite. CONTROL’ s got Team Smart on the job.
Bobby: Smart? As in Maxwell Smart?
Tommy: Yeah. He’s the Chief of CONTROL now. Why? You know him?
Bobby: He’s what you’d call a family friend. With Smart on the case, we might have some problems. But we might have some fun too. Knowing Smart, he’ll have someone in that house tomorrow morning. [to two men] Richie, Mike, take care of our little team tomorrow.
The next day, Zach, his sister Maxine, and Agent 66 were inside the home of John Ho once again. The three went straight into the den and gathered around the computer. Maxine sat down in front of the keyboard.
Zach turned on the computer. While the computer started up, Maxine started doing hand exercises. She popped her fingers, her hands, her neck, her back…
Zach: [annoyed] Knock it off! [look from Maxine] Just get to work.
Maxine: Some people never appreciate the arts.
Maxine started to work and within minutes, had found out Ho’s password, which was KAOS.
Maxine: Amateur. The first rule of computers is not have a password anyone could figure out. [pause] Exactly what am I looking for?
66: Anything that was erased between yesterday and today.
Maxine: Okay. Let’s see how well these KAOS guys are at computers.
She started by checking the trash can and then trying to restore anything that was lost in it. So far, nothing. The trio spent about an hour looking through files and trying to find anything that was lost.
Maxine: These guys are good. Really good. They made it look as though whatever was on here never existed.
66: So we’re stuck.
Maxine: No. They may think this could work with other people, but they didn’t count on Maxine Smart. I didn’t want to do this, cause it’s illegal. If I do it, I’ll feel bad about in the morning.
Zach: [smiling] You’re going to hack into the computer, aren’t you?
Maxine: Well, I thought about it and I came to conclusion that…I won’t feel bad about it. [gets back to work]
Zach: That’s my girl! Never give up the chance to be evil.
Maxine clicked away and after a while got a break.
66: You got something?
Maxine: Oh my yes. Take a look at this. [scrolls down]
Zach: This looks like every file on KAOS. [Maxine nods]
66: So that’s it! Ho was planning on defecting from KAOS! That’s why he was killed.
Maxine: I wonder where he was defecting to.
Zach: What do you mean “I wonder where he was defecting to”? He was on the side of bad. You can only go one way.
66: Not necessarily. Good and bad are like umbrellas. Different kinds of bads, different kinds of goods…
Zach: 66, these aren’t spices! You don’t put them together and you aren’t going to get a great stew.
As Zach and 66 argue, Richie and Mike were coming through the den door.
Richie: Playtime’s over, Smart! [pulls out gun]
The three turn to see both Mike and Richie in the doorway.
Mike: [with gun] [to Maxine] Get away from that computer.
Maxine gets up and moves away from the computer. Mike takes a look at the screen and sees the documents.
Mike: [to Richie] They found the papers.
Zach: That’s right. And with my fantastic memory, I have not only memorized the contents of those documents, but your facial features, height, and weight.
Richie: [pointing gun at Zach] Then you’ll be the first to die.
Zach: I’d like to point out I’m not the only CONTROL agent in the room. [points to girls] They have an even more incredible memory than I.
66: [sarcastically] Who says chivalry is dead?
Mike: You guys like to hack into computers huh? [puts down gun] [grabs a sword hanging on the wall] I think it’s only fitting we hack you…to death!
Setting: The house of the deceased John Ho. Inside the den, Zach, 66, and Maxine stood, at the mercy of Richie and Mike. Richie held the girls with his gun, while Mike went around the room, threatening Zach with a sword. Zach moved his way over to the twin sword that hung on the wall and grabbed it.
Zach: I warn you, my friend, I’m an expert at hand to hand combat.
Mike: We ain’t using our hands.
Zach: Well, in this case, no, we’re not, but I am an expert in sword to sword combat. I didn’t spend those two summers in fencing camp to be made a fool of.
Mike took a swing at Zach, which Zach moved out of the way for.
Zach: Ha! You didn’t even touch me!
Just as he said it, Zach’s pants fell around his ankles. Zach looked down and then back at Mike.
Zach: [to Mike] Nice shot.
Mike started coming closer to Zach.
Zach: [making a T sign] Time! [pulls up pants with one hand] Proceed.
The two battled around the room. Zach finally got a good shot when he swiped Mike. Mike looked down and saw his shirt was ripped and he had a small scratch on his stomach. He slowly looked up at Zach, who gulped.
Zach: Why do I feel I made an immensely bad mistake? [to Mike] Sorry about that. [backing away] No hard feelings, I hope. I guess we’re kinda even now. [smiling] I really feel bad that. And I would like to apologize for what I plan to do next.
Zach hit Richie’s gun out of his hand and it flew in the air. Zach caught it and pointed it at Mike. The girls, guns in hand, took aim at Richie.
Zach: Now, if you boys don’t mind going down to CONTROL headquarters with my lovely cohorts, I’ll just be going home and…getting another pair of pants.
Back at CONTROL headquarters, the two KAOS men were questioned and reports were coming in from 66.
66: Richie Talmorra and Michael Chung, two high ranking members of the Red Sparrows, a little Chinese gang being invested by KAOS high command. The leader’s name is Robert Sotto. This gang is ruthless, Chief. They pull out all the stops.
Max: So I’ve noticed. Before the three of you tangled with the big boys, they killed someone else at the Golden Dragon Restaurant.
Zach: Really? How?
Max: Food poisoning. Dead on arrival to the hospital. [thinking] You know, this reminds me of something.
Zach: What’s that?
Max: Well, it’s kind of crazy, but it reminds me of this old KAOS enemy I had.
Maxine: Could you narrow that list down a bit, Dad? You have a lot of KAOS enemies.
Max: [sarcastically] Thank you for reminding me. Have you guys ever heard of the Craw?
66: KAOS killer, wasn’t he, Chief? I remember studying him in spy school. You worked on the princess kidnapping and the one involving the amazing Harry Hoo, didn’t you?
Max: Yes and both times the Craw used ingenious ways of trying to kill me. That’s why this case seems so familiar.
Parker: You think the Craw is behind this?
Max: That would be impossible. The Craw’s dead. He died of food poisoning years ago.
Zach: Food poisoning? What did he have?
Maxine: What difference does it make?
Zach: A lot, thank you! [to Max] What did he have, Dad?
Max: Lemon chicken, if I recall right. Laced with MSG.
Parker: Chief, monosodium glutamate does kill people, but not on the spot. It takes years and years for it to really do damage.
Max: MSG doesn’t stand for monosodium glutamate. In this case, it stood for monosodium glycerin. Like nitro glycerin. His insides sort of…blew up, so to speak.
Parker: Chief…the man who was poisoned today had that same sort of reaction.
Max: He did, huh? Parker…
Parker: I’m checking it now. [leaves]
Zach: Dad, if you say the Craw’s dead, maybe it’s his son or something trying to get revenge.
Max: I doubt it. The Craw didn’t have any children.
66: That you know of. Zach and I could check it out, Chief, if we had a really good lead.
Zach: C’mon, Trace. Leads just don’t walk in and say hi.
Just then, an agent walked in and went over to Max.
Agent: Hi, Chief. [hands Max piece of paper] Here’s a lead for you on that Ho case. [leaves]
66: [to Zach] [smiling] You were saying, Zachary?
Zach: I was saying, a plate of cookies just doesn’t walk in and hi. [looks at door, waiting for cookies] Plate of chocolate chip cookies…any minute now…
Max: [reading paper] Great! [to Zach and 66] I just found out where their hide out was. [hands Zach paper] Happy hunting. Be careful, you two. If this is the Craw, he’s very deadly.
Zach: Don’t worry, Pop. The only thing to fear is fear itself.
Max: These guys aren’t babies. They do terrible things to CONTROL agents. And their bodies.
Zach: [sarcastically] Well, that was helpful. Thanks, Dad. [leaves with 66]
A few hours later, after Zach and 66 had gotten supplies and directions, they were at the Red Sparrow’s
hideout. Inside, people were laughing and talking and having fun.
From behind a plethora of boxes, Zach and 66 peered over and checked out the area. They crouched down and walked along the boxes.
Zach: All we have to do is use quick thinking and stealth, cat-like moves to catch these guys. Everything depends on us being as invisible as we can get.
As Zach was talking and staring at the crowd, he failed to notice he was about to run into a bunch of crates. He bumped into them and the all fell over. Zach started to panic, trying to get the crates to be quiet as they made a huge noise.
Fortunately, 66 pulled him into hiding before anyone saw them, as the crowd peered over to see what the problem was. Seeing, the crates had just fallen, they nothing of it and went back to their small party.
When they felt the close was clear, Zach and 66 once again peered over the boxes and looked at the crowd.
66: [sarcastically] Nice job, Mr. Invisible.
Zach: [about to hit her] Why I oughta…
The two continued their movements until Zach stopped, causing 66 to bump into him.
66: Why’d you stop?
Zach: [eyes still on crowd] There’s something blocking the way.
The way was being blocked by a tall and large man who stood towering over Zach and 66. Zach tried to move the object, not knowing what it was.
He looked down and saw the object had shoes on and that the shoes connected to two legs, which connected to a whole man.
Zach: [smiling up at the man] Hi. [thinking of something to say] We lost my dime. I was about to make a phone call, when I dropped my dime. We were looking for it.
66: [agreeing] Right.
Suddenly, the two heard a lot of clicks and found themselves surrounded by guns.
Zach: Okay. This would be fear and I’m definitely being afraid of it.
Setting: The headquarters of the Red Sparrows. Zach and 66 had just been found out and were now facing Bobby Sotto.
Bobby: Well, well. You must be Maxwell Smart’s kid.
Zach: Well, well. You must be Bobby Sotto.
Bobby: One in the same. We’re long time friends, Mr. Smart.
Zach: What’re you talking about?
Bobby: Our father’s knew each other. By profession, of course. Too bad we didn’t meet until now, but I guess better late than never, wouldn’t you say?
Zach: You’ve lost me. I’m confused.
66: Zach, don’t you see? We’re looking at the Claw.
Bobby: It’s Craw! Craw! Dumb Americans. You can’t pronounce anything right.
66: Whatever. I don’t know what your plan is, but if you’re planning on getting information from us, you can kiss your lucky stars goodbye. You won’t get anything out of him. [points to Zach] Even if you beat him, whip him, and kick him.
Zach: [looks at 66] Have I gotten on your bad side lately?
66: No, why?
Zach: [to Bobby] She’s right, Craw. You’ll get nothing, even if you…[pause] [to 66] I’m just really not good with torture. I’d rather go out with a bang. Literally!
Bobby: That’s too easy, Mr. Smart. I think the more appropriate thing would be to put bamboo stocks under your fingernails.
Zach: [to Bobby] Wouldn’t you rather just shoot me?
Bobby: Shootings are just so common.
66: And messy.
Zach: [looks at 66] Don’t add commentary.
Bobby: Wait! I know! You look like the kind of couple would appreciate the Chinese Water Torture. Bobby Sotto style, of course.
Bobby has his men take Zach and 66 taken to two chairs and tied there.
Zach: Are you sure you just wouldn’t like to shoot me? I promise I won’t make a mess. I’ll bleed internally. I promise!
Bobby: Mr. Smart, I assure you, you’ll like this. Above your heads, if a large block of ice. Inside the block of ice, are two daggers that hang above both of your heads. The little dewdrops will hit your faces until it drives you crazy and you’ll beg for the daggers to come. So, always loving a surprise, but hating to wait for it, I’ve tied a rope around the block of ice. Under the rope is a candle. Which one will
get you first?
Bobby: If the rope is burned and cut, the block of ice will land on your heads, along with the daggers. If the rope stays fast, the ice will melt. And, to insure the ice melts, I’ll just turn up the heat a little. [starts to leave, but stops] You know, the thought did occur to me, that if I set the heat at a certain temperature, you both would have heat strokes, making three parallels you’d have to escape. But…I’m not that mean or cold hearted. [starts to leave again, but stops by the thermostat] Actually, [turns
up heat] I am that mean. [leaves]
Zach: Great! Just great! How do we get out of this?
66: You tell me, Mr. Senior Agent!
Zach: Okay, okay. Let’s not panic. This is simple. We can get out of this. Let’s just review what we’re up against. First, we have a huge block of ice hovering over us. Inside the block of ice are two daggers, aimed at our throats. When the ice melts, we’re done for.
Zach: Second, there’s a rope tied around the block of ice. Under the rope is a candle that is set to melt the rope, thus causing the block of ice to fall on our heads and the daggers to fall and kill us. If that rope breaks, we’re done for. Thirdly, the Craw has set the thermostat too high, in order to either make the ice melt quicker or give us both heat strokes. Either way, we’re done for. 66, I’ve come to a conclusion.
66: What is it?
Zach: We’re done for.
66: That conclusion’s not very comforting.
Zach: This situation isn’t very comforting. I have a plan though. First thing’s first. We get out of these ropes. Secondly, we turn the thermostat down and thirdly, we get out of here.
66: Good plan. How do we get out of the ropes?
Zach: [pause] Okay, so I didn’t really think this through very well, but at least it’s an outline of plan one.
66: Plan one? You have a second plan?
Zach: Of course! When Zachary Smart goes out and gets captured, he carries a very large vault of plans with him. This is my second plan. We blow out that candle.
66: But that doesn’t stop the ice from melting or us getting heat stroke.
Zach: One situation at a time, 66. That’s your problem. You want to dive ahead, be the rebel. You have to take things apart and some times work backwards before going forwards, that way you know where you’ve been and where you’re going. Or something like that. If we blow out the candle now, we’ll only have to worry about the ice melting and the heat stroke thing.
66: I have a better plan. Why don’t we move the chairs out of the way, then blow out the candle, then get lose, and then reach the thermostat and turn it down?
Zach: You just don’t get it, do you? I’m senior agent for a reason and I tell you, we should do what I say.
66: What you say never works!
Zach: [annoyed] Fine. Just fine. You go ahead and move your little chair and blow out that candle. Meanwhile, us worker bees will be getting out of these ropes and leaping to save you when the ice melts and you’re cut in half.
The two got busy on their own tasks. 66 did manage to move the chair closer to the candle and blow it out. Zach was quickly trying to get his razor ring to cut the ropes and within minutes he was free.
He quickly got out of his bindings and stood up quickly. The room had gotten terribly hot and his quickness at standing only made Zach dizzy and he soon fell to his knees with an incredible headache.
66: [seeing Zach on floor] Zach! Are you okay?
Zach: [wincing in pain] Yeah. I just…I have to get to that thermostat.
Zach slowly made his way across the floor to the thermostat. He pulled himself up and gave all his strength to just standing up. His version was a bit blurred, but he could see the needle was on 130 and he quickly pushed it all the way down to 10 degrees.
He then fell backwards on the floor. He laid there for a minute of two, trying to collect his thoughts. He then bounced back up and untied 66.
66: You alright?
Zach: Yeah, but we have to get out here before we freeze to death.
The two ran to the door, which was surprisingly unlocked. This time, the two were very careful not to attract attention again. The two crept right behind the small group that had discovered them.
Zach: Freeze! [group turns]
Bobby: [shocked] How did you escape from the Chinese Water Torture!?
Zach: Very simple, Mr. Claw…
Bobby: Craw! It’s Craw!
Zach: Whatever. The simple fact of the matter was this. You got greedy. Thinking that the more odds we had stacked against us, the more pain we’d feel.
66: Which I’m sure explains the reason you used torture on your victims.
Zach: Unfortunately, Claw…[look from Bobby] …Bobby, we underestimated us.
Bobby: Just like your father. Too incompetent to even figure out the simplest of schemes, yet with an incredible aura that saves your skin every time.
Zach: There’s no need to be jealous.
Bobby: You’re right though. I did get a bit greedy. KAOS may pay us to carry out their schemes, but there’s much more money to be made in my little adventure.
Zach: Which would be?
Bobby: Why sure I tell you? Here I’ve given you enough information already and you don’t even have a weapon.
Zach: On the contrary. [pulls out blow gun] This is an automatic blow gun. I can hit five of you in one shot. Would you like me to try it? I’m sure John Ho loved that dart you put in him last night.
Bobby: He was a traitor. He was going to ruin everything for me.
66: So those weren’t KAOS files we saw. They were files on you and what you’re doing, which is robbing KAOS blind. Who would suspect anyone else but KAOS for smuggling in foreign items into the country?
Zach: [whispering to 66] Is that true?
66: [whispering back] No.
Zach: Then why are you saying it?
66: The only way it makes sense.
Bobby: Smart girl.
Zach: I know. She gets it from me.
Bobby: What now, Mr. Smart?
Zach: First and foremost, you stand there like good little prisoners while my partner calls CONTROL. Secondly, I hold you under my control, unless you all enjoy getting a dart in the neck. Thirdly, I’m going to go turn the thermostat up. It’s a tad bit chilly in here.
Zach moved backwards, the dart gun still trained on Bobby and his boys. Zach looked inside, closed the door, and quickly run back to 66, who was on her watch phone with CONTROL.
Zach: [to 66] You’re not gonna believe this.
66: What’s the problem?
Zach: I think I turned the thermostat down way too low. I just saw a penguin.
Setting: CONTROL headquarters, the office of Chief Maxwell Smart. Max, Zach, 66, and Parker were hanging out in Max’s office, going over the day’s events.
66: That was a good game the Craw was moving on KAOS. He and his boys would take out KAOS defectors and the whole time, he was moving a game on KAOS himself. He was smuggling jewelry and weapons into the country and pocketing the money he got instead of handing it over to KAOS. Nothing could go wrong.
Zach: Until John Ho found out. He was a definite KAOS defector, but when he found out what the Craw was doing, he knew he had to tell someone. That’s why he was killed.
Max: I still can’t believe Bobby Sotto is the Craw’s son. The things you find out about people. [phone rings] [answers] CONTROL headquarters, Chief speaking. [looks at Zach] He’s right here. [hands Zach phone]
Zach: [on phone] Hello? Hey! I was hoping to hear from you. [pause] Really? Great. I’ll be right over. [hands phone to Max, who hangs up] That was Mr. Fong. He fixed my pants. I’m going to go pick them up.
As Zach got out of the chair, everyone heard a huge rip. Zach looked over and saw that his pants were snagged on a nail in the chair and that it had completely tore one half of his pants off.
Zach took a deep breath and sat down again. He then took a piece of note pad paper, wrote something down and handed it to 66, who read it and then got up. Max then handed the phone to Zach.
Zach: [to Max, who dials] 322-9074. [on phone] Hi, Mr. Fong? This is Zachary Smart. Um…about my pants…
THE ENDING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!