SETTING: Outside in front of Zach’s car. After eating a very large lunch, the twins are about to leave
when Zach sees a note on his car. He picks it up and finds that it’s from Agent 66.
Zach: [to Maxine] Hey, check this out. [reading] Meet me at the R. O. Wright Air Force base. Very
important. Signed, 66.
Maxine: That must’ve been her calling on your shoe-phone.
Zach: [getting in the driver’s side] Well, c’mon, let’s see what’s up.
The twins drive to the Richard O. Wright Air Force base, located a mile out of the greater Washington
area. Parked at the entrance gate is 66’s blue corvette. Zach pulls in next to her and the twins get out.
66: hey, you got my message! I tried calling, but you didn’t answer. [opens gate]
Maxine: We have a slight problem.
The trio enter through the gate and go inside the two story building.
Zach: What’re we doing here anyway?
66: I think I’ve got a lead on the KAOS plot. I thought we might find out more if we started at the
scene of the crime.
They get to a long hallway and 66 leads them outside to a huge hanger area. Over to the right is a grayish building and the trio walk over to it.
66: This is where they kept the sonic missile. [opening door]
Zach: [chuckling] 66, there is no way that a 25ft missile would fit[walks inside and sees the room is a lot bigger than it looks outside] in…side…..a tiny room like THIS? Who built this and what’s his number?
66: Prof. Charles McDaniels. Pretty cool, isn’t it?
Maxine: [walking around] This is amazing. But one thing puzzles me.
Zach: ONE thing?
Maxine: I can understand a room this size holding a missile, but how do you get a 25ft missile out that
little front door?
66: Well, I was talking to one of the majors earlier and he said that the missile might have been taken
out by the opening in the ceiling. [they all look up] It was open when they came in.
Zach: Okay, that’s solved, but why take a missile? And how do you transport a 25ft missile around town?
Who DOESN’T see a 25ft missile flying around in the middle of the day? I can’t understand how KAOS could manage that.
66: Don’t forget, Zachary, this is KAOS. Whatever they want, they’ll try ANYTHING to take it. But that’s the least of our problems.
Maxine: Ha! You’re telling us. Our parents are being reactivated and put on our team!
66: I’ve discovered a double agent in CONTROL.
66: No one knew about this missile and all of a sudden, it’s in KAOS’ s possession. I find that odd, don’t you?
Maxine: great, now this!
Zach: Do you have any suspects?
66: That’s the problem. There were only six people who knew about that missile. The President, the Commander, John Hobbs, who runs the reports from the White House, and the other three are in this room and I KNOW for a fact, that I’m not the double agent.
Zach: Well, it’s not us. We can’t even tell our parents we’re spies, more-less give the top secret
location of the sonic missile.
Maxine: Well, that leaves the president, The Commander, and John Hobbs.
Zach: 66, I want you to follow Hobbs and see what he does tonight. Maybe Max and I get can leave early
tonight and check out the Commander.
66: What’re you doing tonight?
Maxine: having dinner at our parents’ house. We have tonight and tomorrow before they find out the truth.
Zach: That’s right! They’ve got the tour and then the briefing at 9am Wednesday.
66: Well, if you guys want to save your skin, I’d tell them tonight.
After leaving the base, the twins go home to their apartment building to get ready for dinner. Only
one thing stood in their way of telling the truth and that was telling their parents the truth. About 6:45, Max drove Zach over to the Smarts’ house in her truck. They got there at exactly seven o’clock and went inside.
Outside of the house, across the street sat a black car, with two men inside. They each took out their guns and started filling them with bullets. Meanwhile, inside Zach and Maxine were having a conversation with their parents.
Zach: So, you and Dad are…are being reactivated. That’s…that’s really great.
Maxine: I thought we went over this at lunch, Zach.
Zach: if it’s alright with you, Maxine, I’d like to congratulate my parents. [pauses] Who just happen to be the best parents in the world.
99: [smiling] Why, thank you, Zach.
Zach is laughing silently at his sister when he sees the car across the street and the two men getting
out of it.
Zach: In fact, because Mom and Dad are the best parents in the world, [getting up] I think we should make them a cream pie. What….what do you say, sis? We get up and make Mom and Dad a cream pie?
Maxine: [staring at her brother] But I don’t WANT to make a cream pie.
Zach: [sternly, looks at his sister] Maxine, get up….and go with me into the kitchen to make our parents a cream pie. [Maxine stands up cautiously]
Max: Zach, you don’t HAVE to make us a pie.
Zach: [near the kitchen door] But we want to! Because you’re our parents….and you’re nice, loving…
Zach: …..and forgiving… people. [goes into the kitchen, dragging Maxine behind him]
In the Kitchen:
Maxine: Zach, are you sure?
Zach has just told Maxine what he saw outside.
Zach: Of course I’m sure! I didn’t spend that six months in spy school for nothing, you know. I know
a KAOS car when I see one.
Just then, the knob to the backdoor of the kitchen started to jiggle.
In the Dinning Room:
99: Max, something is definitely wrong with the twins.
Max: Why do you say that, 99?
99: because of they way they’re acting! Don’t you think it’s a little strange when in the middle of dinner, Zach kept telling us how wonderful we were and that no other parents could match the intense love, vision, and commitment that we have instilled in him?
Max: I thought that was a compliment.
99: Oh, Max, I’m sure it was, but this is been going on for the whole day now.
Max: You’re right, 99. But if there is something wrong, they’re doing a great job of not telling us.
Back in the kitchen:
Zach: [still looking at door] You take one side, I’ll take the other. When they come in, we’ll grab them and knock them out.
Maxine: Right, Zach.
The twins got on either side and waited for the men to enter. When the door opened and one of the men
stepped in, Zach gave him a karate chop to the neck and the guy fell down. The other agent, seeing his partner go down, drew his gun and walked in. Maxine knocked the gun from his hand and hit him, causing the agent to trip over the man on the floor and bump into Zach. Zach went backwards, knocking a pan over. Max and 99, hearing the noise from the kitchen, decided to check out how things were going.
Zach, hearing his name, quickly looked at his sister and the two agents.
Zach: Shh! You’ve GOT to be quiet. If you guys have silencers for your guns, then feel free to shoot
KAOS #1: I didn’t bring my silencer.
KAOS #2: I usually don’t carry mine.
Zach: What! What kind of KAOS agents are you? What agent DOESN’T carry a silencer? You know, my dad knows Conrad Von Sigfried. I’m gonna get him to talk to Sigfried and he’s gonna talk to KAOS high command and get you two little weasels fired! What kind of person goes around…
Maxine: [annoyed] Zach, I really don’t think this is the time for this.
Maxine: Mom and Dad.
Zach: Oh! [quickly runs to the door and outside]
Zach stands outside the kitchen door, just as his parents are about to walk in.
99: What’s going on in there?
Zach: [breaths deeply. Then calmly] In where?
Max: In there. [points to kitchen]
Zach: Oh, in THERE! [laughs slightly] Nothing. Why?
99: Listen, Zach, your father and I have reason to believe that you and your sister are….hiding something.
Zach: Hiding something? No, no. I can’t think of what we would hide…
Max: Zach, are you sure that’s nothing bothering you?
Zach: [speechless for awhile] No.
99: Well, you should probably get back in there and help your sister with that pie.
Zach: Pie? What….[realizes what] Oh the pie! Of course, the pie. We’re….we’re right on it. [goes inside
When Zach pops back into the kitchen, he sees his sister is in need of help. One of the agents had her
arms behind her back and the other was going to shoot her. Zach quickly punches the man with the gun and Maxine gets out of her hold and flips her guy over her shoulder. With both agents on the floor knocked out, the twins had to figure out where to hide these guys before their parents came in.
Maxine: Zach, what’re we gonna do with these guys?
Zach: We’ve gotta hide ‘em somewhere. Let’s get them outside.
The twins take the two agents outside and tied them up loosely. By the time they get back inside, Max
and 99 have entered the kitchen and look around at the slight mess that the fight caused.
99: [seeing the twins come in] What happened in here?
Zach: Here? Nothing. Why do you ask?
Max: It looks like a hurricane crashed through here.
The Smarts clean up the slight mess in the kitchen, then head into the living room. While standing there, Maxine’s cell phone goes off. She answers it and discovers that it’s 66 on the other end.
Maxine: Hello. [looking at her parents] Yes, well, I thought you might call me instead of that other line. [looks at Zach] Yes, he’s here. [hands phone to Zach]
Zach: Hello? Hey, what you find out?
Scene shifts to the Seedy Oyster bar. 66 is sitting in her car across the street from the bar. John Hobbs has just walked out of the bar and is heading towards his car.
66: I’m at the Seedy Oyster. Hobbs just left the bar. Should I follow, Smart?
Zach: The Seedy Oyster, huh? Yeah, Trace, follow him and see where he turns up. [hangs up. Hands phone
back] [looks at his parents] We lost our gerbil. Max’s roommate is chasing him now.
99: Your gerbil ran to the Seedy Oyster?
Zach: He’s very fast.
99: Isn’t the Seedy Oyster a bar?
Maxine: Yes, well….he’s an alcoholic.
Max: Your gerbil’s an alcoholic?
Zach: he’s recovering! We have to go. We’ve got to help find him.
99: Well, I guess we’ll be seeing you later, then.
Zach: [under his breath] We’ll be seeing a lot of each other later in the week.
99: What was that, Zach?
Zach: [startled] Eh? Oh, I said we really should get together later this week. How ‘bout Wednesday? At
Max: 8am? That’s kinda early isn’t it, Zach?
Zach: Oh. I guess you’re right. How ‘bout 9am?
99: We can’t. We have a meeting from 8 to 10 on Wednesday morning. Maybe sometime later that day. Okay?
Maxine: Sure, Mom.
Max: Weren’t you leaving?
Zach: Eh? Oh, yeah. I guess we’ll leave. See you guys Wednesday.
The twins left their parents’ house and go home. The next morning, the twins met up with Agent 66 at
the apartment of John Hobbs. 66 had followed Hobbs all last night until he had gotten back to his apartment. She gave the twins a list of places he went and almost all of them were KAOS fronts. It seemed as though their case was solved and they wouldn’t need their parents after all.
Zach: [walking down the hall to Hobbs’ apartment] I’m kinda sad, really.
66: Why, Smart?
Zach: Even though we haven’t told our parents about our….occupation, I was sorta looking forward to
working with Mom and Dad. I mean, that would the highlight of our careers.
Maxine: I know what you mean, Zach. I mean, besides fighting for all that’s good and right, the whole
reason to being is spy at CONTROL is that maybe we’ll get to work Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart. [getting to Hobbs’ door] Oh well. [knocking]
John Hobbs comes to the door and tries to close it quickly, but Zach pushes it back open.
Zach: Well, Mr. Hobbs. We had just come over to get a cup of sugar, but apparently, we’ll be getting
more than that.
Maxine: May we come in, sir?
Hobbs, realizing he really had no choice, opened the door and let the trio inside.
Hobbs: [closing door] I assume you’re here because you know.
66: Know what? That you’ve got a lot of secrets that could endanger our whole country? Those secrets?
Hobbs: Where should I start?
Zach: preferably at the beginning.
Hobbs walks over to his bar and starts to pour a drink. He sits it down on the table and sits in the
chair that’s there.
Hobbs: It’s true. Whatever you think of me, is true. I’m the one who handed over the location of the sonic aerial missile to KAOS. Actually, I turned it over to a KAOS courier.
Zach: So, you’re a double agent.
Hobbs: [sipping on his drink] Yes. But I’m not the only one in CONTROL.
The girls: What!
Hobbs: [taking a couple of swallows of his drink] I gave the location to another agent at CONTROL. I had nothing to do with the taking of the missile, but I have a feeling that the agent
knows how KAOS got it out of that building.
Zach, Max, and 66 stand and amongst themselves.
66: What do we think?
Zach: Well, if he IS telling the truth, we’re in a lot of trouble. If that other KAOS agent in CONTROL
knows what we know, then he’ll know what we know now. [slightly confused] I’m going to ask Hobbs who the other agent is. [turning to talk to Hobbs] Mr. Hobbs…
The trio turn to see John Hobbs bent over the table. They rush to him and check his pulse.
Max: He’s dead!
Zach: [picking up Hobbs’ glass] His glass must’ve been tampered with.
66: But how?
Zach: I don’t know. Let’s get this glass to Parker in the lab.
The three of them stay to look the place over and call for the CONTROL paramedics. They then leave to
CONTROL headquarters and go downstairs to the CONTROL lab. We they get there, Dr. Austin Parker waves them over to his table. They go over to where he is.
Parker: I got your message, Smart. What’s up?
Zach: [hands him glass] I need you to check out if there’s anything in that glass.
Parker: [smelling inside of glass] Offhand, I would say Bourbon. I can’t be sure…
Zach: Not the alcohol. I meant, if there was anything lethal in it.
66: Possibly. That’s the glass John Hobbs was drinking out of when he died.
Parker: Died? Well, we’re looking at a murder. Any suspects?
Zach: Well, that’s the problem. See, if there was poison in that glass, they killer must have been there before we got there, but we didn’t see any cars leave.
Parker: Hmmm [phone rings] ‘Cuse me. [picks up] Hello? Oh, yes, sir. I’ll send them right up. [hangs up][to trio] That was the Commander. He wants you in his office right away.
Zach: Okay. Listen, Parker, call me if you come up with anything.
Parker: Will do, Smart.
The trio leave and go upstairs to the Commander’s office.
66: You wanted to see us, sir?
Commander: Yes. Sit down. [they sit] I just got word that KAOS wants a billion dollars for the return of the sonic aerial missile or they will wipe out the entire eastcoast.
Maxine: Sir, what are we going to do? Our economy can’t withstand the handing over of a billion dollars. We’ll be bankrupt!
Commander: The president has advised me to set up a meeting with the head of KAOS, Conrad Sigfried,
Jr. He said he refuses to have it with anyone other than Zachary Smart.
Zach: So, I get to meet with little boy Faunteroy, huh? Doesn’t Junior ever learn. He’s only doing this
to get at me, you know?
Commander: Well, no matter what his criminal plan maybe, you MUST meet with him. In the meantime, I want the three of you to go and stakeout the Seedy Oyster again. There have been reports of other KAOS activity.
Max: Sir, don’t you think that this missile crisis should be on the TOP of the list of things for us to
Commander: There are other crimes in this city, Maxine.
Max: yes, sir, I know…
Commander: Those have to taken care of too. I have a meeting with the president later today to discuss
the matter. And don’t forget, the briefing with former agents 86 and 99 is tomorrow morning. I think you’ll be able to get a lot done with the two of them on this case.
66: yes, sir.
The three leave and head out to the Seedy Oyster bar. They’re each in the separate cars, which our parked around the bar. Zach takes out his part of his dashboard to reveal a highly secretive phone.
Zach: this is 78 calling both 24 and 66. Come in.
In Max’s car, Max pushes one of the buttons on her radio and a small flip switch comes out. She flips
it up and begins to talk.
Max: 24 here. What’s up, Zach?
Scene then switches back to Zach’s car. The scene goes back and forth between all three cars.
Zach: Girls, I’ve been thinking.
Max: Good, Zach. That shade’s really helping.
Zach: Cute. No, I was just wondering something.
Scene goes to 66’s car. She had a phone cleverly hidden in her steering wheel.
66: what is it, Zachary?
Zach: well, here we are. Back at the Seedy Oyster. KAOS is demanding a billion dollars for the return
of the sonic aerial missile. And we’re at the Seedy Oyster. A double agent has been discovered in the ranks of CONTROL and he has said that there is ANOTHER double agent in the ranks of CONTROL. And here we sit. In our cars. At the Seedy Oyster. I would just like to know why.
Max: I must admit, the Commander was acting very strangely today. I mean, why send us back here?
66: Maybe he knows something we don’t.
And what the trio didn’t know, was that in the back office area of the Seedy Oyster was the KAOS headquarters, run by Conrad Sigfried, Jr. Junior, which he HATED to be called, was taking charge after his father, Conrad Von Sigfried’s, retirement. Junior sat in a large leather chair and was reading a piece of paper. Another agent walked in and went to the desk where Junior sat.
Agent: Commander Sigfried, three CONTROL agent cars have been spotted outside on the premises. Should I
send agents to seize the passengers?
Junior: Agent Karloffsky, I’m trying to run a happier, friendlier KAOS. Now, how’s that gonna look if
you send some of your men out there and start shooting and killing? You’ll make a scene. [sternly] And we’ll lose all our paying customers!
Agent: But sir! What if they know about the headquarters being here?
Junior: Describe one of the cars outside.
Agent: Well, one is a little blue corvette…
Junior: CONTROL agent 66.
Agent: The other is a red Nissan truck…
Junior: [shocked] That’s Maxine Smart’s car. That means her doofy brother is on the grounds also.
Agent: Should I dispatch some agents?
Junior: [calmly] No. I think our man in CONTROL will manage that. You know what tomorrow is, don’t you?
Agent: Benedict Arnold’s birthday?
Junior: No! But it is this month. No, tomorrow is something I like to coin….dead day.
Agent: Dead day?
Junior: Yep. I’ve arranged for wine and champagne and a little celebration.
Agent: I don’t understand, sir. What’s the occasion?
Junior: Tomorrow, agent Karloffsky, is the day I kill Zachary Smart. Then I’m going to kill Maxine Smart. After her, I’m going to kill Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart. [evil laugh]
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