Redemption of a Spy
Setting: KAOS headquarters. The building seemed quiet until you got around the fifth floor or so. Then you could hear what seemed to be muffled arguing. Upon reaching the sixth floor, the argument got louder and even louder when approaching the office of the Head of KAOS, Conrad Siegfried, Jr. Inside the office, Junior and his father were exchanging heated words over the last KAOS mission, which resulted in failure.
Siegfried: I don’t understand it, Conrad. When I left this position and handed it over to you, you assured me the Smarts would be taken care of. And time and time again, High Command is repeatedly telling me how you and KAOS fail miserably.
Junior: It’s not just me! I have a right hand man who can’t even keep his mind on his job. [looks at Hill]
Hill: Now, wait a minute, Junior. Let’s have a little respect here…
Junior: And that’s another thing. If you want to talk about respect, perhaps calling me the appropriate title would surfice!
Siegfried: Conrad! Perhaps if you ran your company like an actual business instead of an agent free for all, maybe the Smarts would be dead now.
Junior: Well, if you had killed Smart all those years ago, we wouldn’t have to deal with a Mrs. Smart or a Zachary Smart or a Maxine Smart. Because of you, Dad, KAOS would be a much better business if you had done your job and gotten rid of Maxwell Smart in the first place!
Siegfried: [angry] No one talks to the Great Siegfried like that, not even his own flesh and blood. [pause] You’re fired.
Junior: Excuse me?
Siegfried: As long as I’m a part of KAOS central, everything and anything I say goes. You’re fired, Conrad. You can get your stuff out tomorrow.
Junior: [angered] And just who do you think…
Siegfried: I think, former head of KAOS, you should leave before anything happens to you.
Conrad stared at his father and stormed out. Siegfried looked at Hill, who nodded. Hill took out his cell phone and made a call.
Hill: Jimmy, it’s Hill. There’s someone I want you to take care of.
Meanwhile, in another part of the city, the Smart family was playing an interesting game of Scrabble. 99 had just gotten two triple word and four double word score points.
Zach: Oh come on! That’s not even a word!
99: Ambidextrous is too a word.
Zach: Oh yeah? Then what’s it mean?
Maxine: It means you’re both right and left handed.
Zach: [looks at Maxine, then 99] Where’s the dictionary? I want to check out these words you keep putting down.
99: What’re you trying to say, Zachary?
Max: He thinks you’re cheating.
Zach: You have to be. There’s no way you can get “South Vyngen Mai” with nine letters!
99: It’s a city in Vietnam!
Just then, the doorbell rings and Maxine goes up to get the door. When she opened the door, there was an exhausted and wet Conrad Siegfried, jr. Junior pushed his way inside and surprised the other three who were inside.
Zach: [drawing gun] Junior! What’re you doing here?
Junior: Cool your jets, Smart. I came here in good faith.
99: You? Come here in good faith? I wouldn’t bet my bottom dollar on that.
Max: Or she isn’t ambidextrous. [look from 99]
Junior: Look, I came here because I had no where else to go. You guys really are my last hope.
Zach: What’re you talking about?
Junior: In short order…I need your help.
THE OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!
Setting: The home of the Smarts. All four had basically been floored, when former head of KAOS, Conrad Siegfried, Jr. barged in and announced he needed their help.
Zach: [cleaning his ears] I must be losing my hearing. I thought I heard you say you needed our help.
Junior: I did and I do.
99: Did you get hit on the head? I mean, are you having a bout of amnesia?
Junior: Look, are you going to help me or not? Believe me, this is the absolute bottom of the barrel, but I have no where else to go.
Max: Alright, Junior. What’s the problem?
Junior: [annoyed] People calling me “Junior”.
Max: Do you want our help or not?
Junior: I don’t have much of a choice really.
Maxine: What’s your story, Siegfried?
Junior: [about to sit down, but stops] [to 99] May I?
99: [gestures toward the couch] Be my guest.
Everyone sits down as Junior starts to tell his story.
Junior: First and foremost, I’m not head of KAOS anymore.
Zach: I beg your pardon?
Junior: I was fired.
99: Fired? How do you get fired from KAOS?
Maxine: Yeah, Junior, your dad’s like a part of KAOS High Command. That’s like Zach or I getting fired from CONTROL. It just doesn’t happen.
Junior: Don’t get comfortable in your position, Maxine. I’m sure the Chief could take it away at any moment. Just as in my case. Just because my father was a former agent of KAOS doesn’t mean a thing to the organization. In fact, if you must know, I was fired by my father.
Zach: Whoa. That…really sucks, Junior.
Junior: [sarcastically] Thank you for your concern.
Max: You came over here because your father fired you from KAOS? Not to be mean, Junior, but…big deal. That’s no reason to come over here.
Maxine: [glaring at Jr.] Unless you have something up your sleeve.
Junior: What can I possibly gain from me being here? I’m no longer the head of KAOS, remember?
Maxine: So? We don’t know that for sure.
99: Guys… [to Junior] Junior, exactly why are you here?
Junior: I have reason to believe I might be running for my life.
Zach: Are you saying KAOS might be coming after you?
Junior: Think about it, Smart. I was the head of KAOS. I know everything there is to know about KAOS. I know every agent, every scheme, every operation building we’ve ever inhabited…I’m a liability. You really don’t think they’d keep me alive, do you?
Max: [standing up] Family meeting. [walking over to dinning table]
Max: Come here! [joined by family] What do you think?
Maxine: I think he’s lying.
Zach: I think he’s telling the truth, but I think he’s up to something.
99: I agree.
Max: Well, what’re we going to do? If Junior has really been fired from KAOS and Siegfried is really after him, we have to protect him.
Max: Shh! You want him to hear? Now listen. This could be in our favor.
Maxine: How so?
99: Max, are you thinking that if we get Junior on our side, that could cripple KAOS?
Zach: That ain’t gonna work.
99: [correcting him] Isn’t.
Zach: See? Mom agrees with me.
Max: Look, it worked once. Your mother and I got Hymie to cross over.
Maxine: Dad, Hymie’s a cybernaught.
Zach: Oh, well that’s not right. What’s his religion got to with anything?
Max: Just hear me out. If Junior’s really in danger, maybe we can convince him to get on our side. It would totally devastate KAOS and put us way ahead of all the other secret organizations.
Maxine: Dad, this is not a contest.
Zach: Speak for yourself, Maxine. Last week, CONTROL was voted fifth in the Secret Agency Poll.
Max: There are only three secret agencies! Four, if you include KAOS. It’s so depressing coming in fifth after an organization of evil. So what do we say? Protect him or dump him?
The group looks at each other.
99: I say protect him.
Maxine: I say don’t.
Zach: [looking at girls, then Max] Well…what do you say, Pop?
Max: Obviously, I say we should protect him.
Zach: Well, gee. I don’t know. I feel we should protect him, but on the other hand, I really do think he’s up to something.
Max: Well, look. We’ll do this. We’ll protect him, but we get one of you to watch him at all times.
Maxine: I’ll do it, Dad. That way I can keep an eye on him.
Max: Perfect. [turns to Junior on the couch] You’ll be glad to know, Junior, we’ve decided to help you.
Junior: [standing] [surprised] Really?
Max: [smiling] Really. Now, all we have to do is [going over to phone] make a few calls, find a place for you to stay, ultimately get you some…extra protection.
Junior: Well…[stunned] thank you…Chief. That’s very nice of you. So, I assume Zachary and I will be leaving after this?
Max: [on phone] Oh, Zach won’t be watching you.
Junior: He won’t? [Max shakes his head]
Maxine: I will. [grinning]
Zach: [sarcastically] What’s a matter, Conrad? The color’s gone all out of your face. You alright?
Junior: [gaining composure] I’m fine. Just…a little shocked, that’s all.
Zach: Why? Cause of Max? Believe me, Junior, you’ll be in much better hands with Maxine than you would be with me.
Junior: [sarcastically] [looking at Maxine] I’m sure.
Max: [getting off phone] It’s all set, guys. [hands Maxine a piece of paper] These are the directions. It’s so far out of the city, KAOS won’t know where to look.
Junior: Um…Chief, I have a question. What if, heaven forbid, something terrible were to happen BEFORE we got there?
Max: [laughs] Don’t worry. You’re in the best possible hands, Conrad. Maxine will take good care of you.
Maxine: Come on, runt. We have to head out before anyone sees us.
Junior: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah sure. [walking to door] I’m in perfect hands. Just like the mouse being handed to the lion. [Maxine smiles, then leaves with Junior]
Outside of the Smarts’ house, a car waited across the street and watched as Maxine and Junior left the house and got into her truck.
Man: Hold it. They’ve got Maxine Smart watching him.
Man #2: Is that a problem?
Man 1: Maybe. Maxine doesn’t pull any punches. She’s as tough as they come. We’ll have to be careful on this.
Man 2: Should I follow them then?
Man 1: Yeah. Why not? It’ll give us an idea of where they’re headed. But not too close. Maxine has her truck rigged for any and everything.
Man 2: Why do you say that?
Man 1: Last week, she cost us about $10,500 in damages. Not to mention, she destroyed nine of our KAOS cars. [sees the truck leave] Okay, let’s go, but keep a distance.
Maxine and Junior headed out and were traveling out of city limits, when Maxine noticed the car following them.
Man 2: Where the heck are they going?
Junior: Problem, Maxine?
Maxine: [looking through rear view mirror] We’re being followed. I assume friends of yours.
Junior: Former friends.
Maxine: [looks at Junior] Not where I’m concerned.
Maxine realized this could be a potential set up by Junior and knew any false move would results in her death. She thought quickly and on the turn they were supposed to take, she put on her left blinker. She waited for the car behind them to catch up and she started to turn left. Suddenly, Maxine jerked the wheel and quickly turned right. The car behind was caught of guard and ended up being hit from the front.
Man 1: They know we’re on to them. Get them!
The second man quickly turned the car and followed Maxine. Maxine was hitting break neck speeds, when she made a tight left turn and headed in to a wheat field.
Junior: What’re you doing? Trying to get me killed??
Maxine: Don’t temp me.
Ahead of them, was a swampy marsh that Maxine was heading straight into!
Setting: Around the early morning hours, Maxine was driving Junior to his new home while they figured out the whole KAOS angle. But in mid route, Maxine discovered she was being followed and took drastic measures to ensure they wouldn’t be for long. Driving straight for a swampy marsh at a near by farm, Maxine continued to push the gas. The car was getting closer and closer, until at the last second, Maxine veered off to the left. The car behind them didn’t have time to stop and ended up plunging straight into the swamp. Maxine quickly made a U-turn and got back on the trail to Junior’s new hideout.
Junior: [slightly shaken] That was the most…lunatic driving I’ve ever had the misfortune of being involved in.
Maxine: I won’t lie to you, Junior, because that would put me at your level. So I’m going to tell you straight. I don’t like this case. It seems too perfect for you to try something. That’s why I so graciously offered to protect you. I don’t want you to be a danger to yourself. Get it?
Junior: I’m starting to think you don’t like me, Maxine. I’m pained by this revelation.
Maxine: [sarcastically] [looks at Jr.] I feel for you. I deeply hurt, right…[pretending to be sick] here.
The two arrived at the designation, an abandoned hotel in fairly good condition. They were met by three other CONTROL agents who took watch in and outside of the building. Maxine stayed in the lobby while Junior set up shop in one of the guest rooms. The next day, Zach came out to relieve his sister and give her instructions on this bizarre case.
Zach: So, how’s the boy brat treating you?
Maxine: This case is like bubble gum. I lay down the law with Junior last night and now he wouldn’t even think of starting anything. Whatever he might have had in mind is all gone.
Zach: I have to hand it to you, baby sister, you’re doing a good job. Your first lead case and all.
Maxine: This is not my first lead case. In fact, I headed up the old Atlantic City incident. Speaking of which, how’s…?
Zach: Dad wants to see you at CONTROL. He has some information you should take a look at.
Maxine: [smiling] Fine. Avoid the subject, but you can’t avoid the person for very long.
Zach: [getting comfortable on the sofa] Goodbye Maxine.
Maxine left and was soon walking into her father’s office at CONTROL headquarters. The office secretary, Trudi, was seated taking notes.
Maxine: Hi Dad. Trudi.
Trudi: Hi Max.
Max: You’ll never guess what I found out.
Trudi: That there really are little men living in the refrigerator?
Max: [pause] Nooo…Junior’s telling the truth.
Maxine: You’re joking.
Max: No. [giving Maxine a piece of paper] Statement out last night, from KAOS high command themselves.
Maxine: [looking at paper] Whoa. [to Max] Junior has a 10 million dollar price on his head?
Max: Scary, huh?
Trudi: Not as scary as the little men that live in the refrigerator. [both Maxs look at her]
Max: Look, Max, now that we know Junior’s telling the truth, we have to everything possible to keep him safe from everyone at KAOS.
Maxine: Right, Dad. [starts to leave]
Max: [stops her] Hey Max. Make sure you don’t show that to your brother.
Maxine: [looks at paper, puts it in pocket] Oh right. Zach’s been wanting to have a price on his head. If he ever found out Junior’s getting a higher price, he’ll go nuts. Say, Dad, do you think we should get added security for this? I mean, this is kinda serious now.
Max: I’m thinking about it. Look, go back over to the hotel and help your brother. I don’t want anything to happen to our number asset.
Maxine: Right. I’ll see you later. [leaves]
Max: [to Trudi] Scary men that live in the refrigerator?
Trudi: Haven’t you ever seen them?
Max: Remind me to tell Zach we’ve found the second piece of the puzzle.
Later, at the hotel, Maxine had to Junior how much he was missed at KAOS.
Maxine: [throwing paper at him] [closing door] Your father didn’t waste any time.
Junior: [looking at paper] 10 million dollars? Well, at least he cares.
Maxine: Conrad, you’re in a lot of trouble. A lot more than we would’ve guessed.
Junior: I told you I wasn’t lying and I’m certainly not up to anything.
Maxine: Well, in that case, I’m sorry for doubting you. And I promise nothing’s going to happen to you.
Junior: Well, I’m sorry for trying to kill you. [opening door] You know, this is the first time you’ve ever called me Conrad. [smiling at her] I certainly hope it’s not the last. Especially coming from a beautiful woman, such as yourself.
Maxine: [walking to door] [smiling at him] Don’t flatter yourself, Siegfried. [leaves]
The rest of the day seemed to be going fine. The agents outside didn’t see a problem, but inside Zach did. He started noticing Maxine and Junior spending a lot more time together. He was also thinking about how he could make up with Agent 66. His thoughts were interrupted though, when the lobby phone rang. Max, Junior, and Zach looked at each and quickly headed over to the desk phone. Zach answered.
Zach: Hello? [pause] [relieved] Oh, Mom. Geez, freaked us out for a minute there.
Zach: Well, no one has the number here. [laughing] What’s up?
99: I just thought you should know we have some demands from KAOS.
Zach: Like what?
99: I think you’d better get down here, Zach.
Zach: Alright, I’m on my way. Hey, does Dad want Max there too?
99: I’ll ask him. [pause] He said no, Zach. You’ll be heading back there anyways, so just tell her then.
Zach: [looking at Maxine and Junior] So…I should leave her here?
99: Yeah. Look, Zach, it’s more important that one of you is here, regardless. Seeing as this really is your sister’s case, it’s more important you get down here.
Zach: Right. Okay. I’ll be there. [hangs up]
Junior: What was that about?
Zach: Seems like your friends at KAOS want you back. No matter what the cost. [to Maxine] Look, sis, I’m gonna head on down to CONTROL, but I’ll be back to relieve you later tonight. I trust that you’ll handle the things you should and…[looks at Junior] shouldn’t.
Maxine: Sure, Zach.
Zach: Okay, well, I’m leaving now. I’m walking out that door. Won’t be seeing me til tonight.
Junior: Goodbye, Smart.
Zach: Bye. Taking off. Going out the door. I’ll be back. Leaving on a jet plane.
Maxine: [annoyed] Then do it! Get out! Leave already.
Zach leaves, looking back to make sure nothing is happening in there. It takes Zach about 15 minutes to get to CONTROL, making him late, as always. When he walked in the door, he noticed Dr. Austin Parker was already there, insisting something wasn’t right.
Parker: It’s just not right, Chief. I can’t believe the two of you wouldn’t even care!
Max: Parker, you’re losing your mind. Nothing is going to happen. Besides, I didn’t put her on the case. She volunteered for it.
Parker: See? There you are! You could’ve stopped her.
Zach: [pointing at Parker] What’s he ranting about?
99: The fact that your sister is Junior’s bodyguard.
Parker: Please don’t say that. I don’t want to even contemplate about Maxine guarding any part of Junior’s body.
Zach: Really? You know, I just left them in a hotel down the road there…
99: Zachary, stop it. Austin, he’s just joking.
Zach: [smiling] Sorry, Doc. But hey, there is something I should tell you. [looking at parents] Later.
Max: [sarcastically] It was nice of you to get here, Zachary.
Zach: [smiling] Naturally.
Max: Here’s the deal. KAOS has a large amount of money on Junior’s head.
Parker: How much money?
Max: [looking at Zach] [to Parker] Well over a million dollars.
Zach: A million dollars? For Junior? Hmmm…
Zach: Just a thought.
Max: But besides that, KAOS knows we have Junior under protective custody. They don’t know where, but they know we got him.
99: That’s where the problem comes in. You know the Washington County Prison?
Zach: Yeah. Largest prison in Washington.
Max: Well, KAOS will see to it that there is a large scale prison escape is we don’t return Junior to them.
Zach: Oh well, that’s bad. That’s very bad.
99: We have 48 hours from this moment on to give him back or…
Parker: Bad things will happen?
Max: Very bad things. The problem is…Junior’s our ace in the hole. If we give him back, we lose any chance of really getting inside KAOS. Give him back, he’ll die.
Zach: Well, Dad, would it be so bad if we gave him back? [look from Max] Hear me out. See, if we keep him and find out about all the evil ingenious to KAOS, we could destroy them. No more KAOS, no more CONTROL. I think we’ve been through this already.
Parker: I agree with Zach. Let’s give him back.
99: Zachary, you’d really rather keep an evil, destructive force like KAOS in business just to save your job?
Zach: Yes, ma’am. Yes, I would. Absolutely. No questions asked. Yeah, it’s a dirty job, but hey. Someone’s gotta do it.
Parker: I agree. I agree with Zach a 100%.
99: Austin, you’re just saying that.
Max: [annoyed] Gang! We’re getting off topic. We have to think about what we’re going to do here. Now, I have a plan…
Zach: Oh boy. Dad…you know what that means.
Max: [realizing what he meant] I have a plan that I’ve suddenly forgotten.
Zach: Oh come on! That’s not fair. You big wimp.
Max: It’ll come to me later.
Zach: yeah, when I’m not in the room. I see how it is.
Max: Look, we’ll wait this out for 24 hours and see if we can double cross KAOS. Zach, you’re going back over there to relieve Maxine, right?
Zach: Yes, sir. I figured I’d get some well deserved food and take it back to the hotel. In fact, why don’t I take Parker with me? You know, more hands to carry the food?
Max: Alright, but Parker make you get back here in about an hour. It’s really important.
Both men leave and head out to Zach’s car.
Zach: What do you feel like having, Austin? Burgers, chicken, Italian…pizza. Hey! Yeah, we could go to Mario’s. They make the best pizzas in town. Have you eve been to Mario’s? Really…
Parker: Cut the chitchat, Smart. What was it you were going to tell me?
Zach: It may not be any of my business and I’m probably just butting in, but…from my point of view, I think Junior and Maxine are spending a little too much time together. I tried to get here to come today, but…like Mom said, this is really Max’s case and I can’t interfere with it. But I think you could. What do you say if we switched places tonight?
Parker: You mean, I would take over lookout while you stayed in the lab?
Zach: Something like that, but I’m thinking more of…you and I watch Junior and what ever scientific thing Dad needs, Max will do it. I don’t want you to get all mad about it, but…look, Austin, I know you have a thing for my sister and I’m totally cool with it, cause despite what she says, I think she has the hots for you too. But if she spends any more time with Junior, we’re going to have a repeat…
Parker: Of the Great Atlantic City disaster?
Zach: [looks at Parker, then back at the window] Exactly. I totally don’t want that to happen again. But like I said, don’t quote me on it. It could be just a little flirting going on. Let’s hope that’s all that’s going on.
The two men eventually settled on pizza, ordered about six large pizzas, with various toppings, and headed over to the hotel. Zach parked the car and he and Parker started to get the pizzas. While Zach was getting his stack, he noticed that Maxine and Junior were coming back from somewhere.
Zach: Looks like Maxine had the drive the boy wonder somewhere.
Zach didn’t take notice of anything, until he had stack of pizzas out of the car. He was about to walk over to Parker, when he noticed the two stop at the door. They talked for a while, then Junior leaned over and to Zach’s surprise and horror, the two shared a goodnight kiss!
Setting: Outside of the hotel converted hideout. Standing outside the door, Maxine and Junior were locked in a passionate kiss. From down the driveway, Zach stood in horror as he watched this.
Parker: Hey Zach, I could some help here.
Zach was still stunned when he heard Parker call him. He instantly realizes this would kill Parker, who would ultimately kill Junior, which would put a severe dent in this case. Thinking quickly, Zach turned around and ran over to Parker.
Zach: [giving Parker three boxes of pizza] Hold these.
Parker: Zach! I can’t see.
Zach: At all?
Parker: I can barely see over the top of the box.
Zach: [handing him two more boxes] Well, here. Hold these too.
Parker: Dude, Zach. I can’t see. I could use a little help here.
Zach: [watching the couple at the door] In a minute.
Parker: Well, what’s going on?
Zach: Eh? Oh! I’m tying my shoe.
Zach continued to watch the couple, until they broke apart and went inside.
Zach: [leading Parker] Okay, come on.
Parker: Zach. [Zach turns around] I can’t see.
Zach: Oh right! Yeah. Here. [takes three boxes] Comfy? Let’s go.
The two men went up the drive and inside the hotel. Zach looked around until he found where Max and Junior were.
Zach: [loudly] Pizza’s here! Max! Junior! You want some pizza?
Maxine: God, Zach. You don’t have to shout. [sees Austin] Hi Austin.
Parker: Hello, Maxine. [seeing Junior] Junior.
Junior: Dr. Parker. Always a…pleasure seeing you.
Parker: I’m sorry I can’t say the same.
Zach: [after a while] Well, this is tense.
Junior: I’m a bit a tired. I think I’ll eat my pizza upstairs in my room. Good night, all. [flashing Maxine a smile] Good night, Maxine. [leaves]
Parker: I’m going to go put these down somewhere.
Maxine: I guess I’d better check on Conrad.
Zach: [pulling her back] No, I don’t think you will. You’re calling him Conrad now? That’s just sick.
Maxine: [laughing] Zach, you’re being a freak.
Zach: and you’re being a slut. [Maxine is shocked] I mean that with a lot of love. Look, Maxi, I’m getting just a tad bit worried you’re taking this case a little too personal.
Maxine: Zach, I’m a very component agent. Look, I got inside Junior’s head a little bit. That could be toward our favor.
Zach: Not when you consider we’ll be giving him back.
Zach: KAOS made demands that if we don’t give them Junior, they’re going to release every single prisoner in Washington’s biggest jail. That could mean a lot of trouble for this city.
Maxine: Look, Zach. I think maybe it just irks you knowing that you have no say in this case. This is my case remember?
Before Zach could speak, there were gunshots heard on the second floor. The twins looked at each other and quickly ran upstairs to Junior’s room. They opened the door and saw Junior on the floor by the window.
Junior: [seeing twins] Get down! They’re shooting at me!
The twins ducked, but not before another shot rang out, this one hitting an agent behind Zach and knocking him backwards. The twins crawled to where Junior was and got their guns ready.
Junior: I think there’s two or three of them.
Maxine: Did you see who they were?
Junior: I’m not sure. I know they’re wearing all black and they might be in a black Lincoln continental.
The agents waited and after about five minutes, Zach looked out the window.
Zach: There’s no one down there. I think they left. [standing up] Everyone get up.
Everyone stood up and went about checking on the agent who was shot. Zach and Maxine stayed behind to ask Junior some questions.
Maxine: Conrad, what happened?
Junior: I brought my food up here and was starting to eat it, when I thought I heard something. I got up and I noticed that there was a hole in the wall behind me. I figured I was being shot at, so I took out my gun. I went to the window and shot out. Then I got return fire, so I ducked.
Zach went over to pick up Junior’s gun and smelled the barrel.
Zach: Looks, like you might have shot someone. You only have two bullets left. [returns gun] Look, Junior, maybe I should post a guard outside your door tonight. Just in case. In fact, I’ll even volunteer for the job. [to Maxine] You should go home and get some rest.
Maxine: [annoyed] Not when someone’s trying to steal my case. [to Junior] I’ll be downstairs, Conrad. [leaves]
Zach: Listen, Junior…you realize that KAOS isn’t joking anymore.
Junior: Believe me, Smart. I know when my life is in danger.
The scene moves to KAOS headquarters, where Thomas Hill and Siegfried are planning something.
Hill: Are you sure this is going to work? The whole place is surrounded with CONTROL agents, especially now that there’s been an attack on Conrad’s life.
Siegfried: That is precisely why this will work. We’ll kidnap Junior and when Team Smart comes down to save him, we push the button and release all the prisoners from every prison in Washington. CONTROL will be so swamped with calls, they won’t have time to check on KAOS.
Hill: I don’t know, sir. This is pretty risky.
Siegfried: Thomas, you said you have plans to ensure a total world take over?
Hill: Oh yes, sir. I admit I’d been lax recently, not knowing what incredible luck the Smarts have on their side, but this time, I think I can outsmart them. [smiles]
Siegfried: Well, continue on. We’ll keep up the facade, but if this plan of yours fails, Thomas…
Hill: Believe me, Heir Siegfried. This is a plan that not even the Smarts are prepared for. I will not fail this time. All I ask is you keep them busy for as long as possible.
Back at the hotel, everything was quiet. Most everyone was asleep, except for Zach and the agents outside. The agents outside stood at their post, one in front of the house and one in the back. The agent at the back of the house, thought he heard something and went to go check it out. Suddenly, a hand come from behind him and covered his mouth with a handkerchief. The agent was out in seconds.
The agent in the front thought he heard something, listened, didn’t hear it again, and continued with his watch. Two men dressed in black started to climb the rope terrace behind the hotel. The terrace lead right up to Junior’s window, which was unlocked. The two men climb inside and walked over to one side of Junior’s bed. Junior was easily awakened and turned over, but before he could say anything, he was addressed by one of his soon to be capturers.
Man 1: [gun to Jr.’s head] Don’t move, Heir Siegfried. Your presence is requested by your father. I’m sure you have no objections that. [before Jr. speaks, stops him] Nod for yes, please. [Junior nods] Good. You’re going to get out of bed, very slowly. [Jr. does] Very good. Now, the three of us are going for a ride. And for your protection, Heir Siegfried, one of us will be behind you and another one in front of you, just so you won’t try any tricks. If you do, I assure you, these guns are loaded and have silencers. So even if you manage to escape, we will kill you on sight. Understand? [Jr. nods] Good. Let’s go.
The three men climb down the terrace and get into a nearby car and drive away. Up in Junior’s room, a figure stands watching the events.
Zach: [on phone] They’ve got him.
Setting: A small restaurant turned hideout. Inside, the two KAOS men sit laughing. Next to them is a tied up Junior.
Man 2: Man, boss, you should’ve seen your face when Hunter held that gun to your head. It was like classic.
Junior: [smirking] [sarcastically] So, do you guys think you could like, let me go? The charade is over. No point is making me mad.
Hunter: Of course, Commander Siegfried. [unties Junior]
Just then, a phone starts to ring.
Hunter: I think that may be your watch phone, sir.
Junior: [annoyed] I know that.
Junior lifts up the face to his watch, pulls out a little microphone and answers.
Hill: Conrad. It’s Thomas. How’re things?
Junior: Looking up, I must say. The kidnapping was a success. Tell Dad he can hit that button at any time.
Hill: Okay. See you later then. [hangs up]
Just as Junior was putting his phone away, who should burst in the door, but four members of Team Smart. Junior quickly reacted and punched the second man, causing him to fall on the floor.
Junior: Thank God, you’re here! I had to take these big apes on by myself.
Parker: Oh stop.
Max: Give it up, Junior. We know the whole truth.
Maxine: We do?
Junior: I don’t know what you’re talking about. And if you continue to stand there, I could get killed.
Max: Maybe by Maxine or even Parker, but certainly not by them.
Maxine: Hey, did I miss something? Is this the part of the plan I wasn’t privy to?
Zach: Sorry to burst your bubble, baby sister, but Junior’s been telling out and out lies, half truths, and fibs.
Junior: Chief, what is your son talking about?
Zach: Allow me to illuminate for you. This whole thing was a big plan. It all started to get out me and maybe work your way through the ranks, but you were had something better planned.
Maxine: Zach, will you please make some sense here?
Zach: Certainly. The night Junior came bashing through our door was the night he really did have a fight with his Dad. And he was probably even fired, but Junior’s a lot smarter than we think. He had the whole thing planned out. First he would come to us for help, telling us that whole story about being fired. That was the only true thing he’s been saying. Secondly, after he’d get us to trust him, he’d call back KAOS, tell his Dad this great plan of his, be put back as head, and settle down to destroy of from the inside, but there was one catch.
Max: Maxine. You didn’t think I’d put her on the case, that was evident when you just assumed that Zach was going to be in charge.
Junior: So, I assume Zachary and I will be leaving after this?
Max: The look on your face told me you totally had something up your sleeve…for Zach, but weren’t ready when I told you Zach wouldn’t be in charge.
Max: Oh, Zach won’t be watching you.
Junior: He won’t?
Zach: So you had to get another plan. You knew from the start that whatever you had planned for me wasn’t gonna work on Max, so you tried the old standby. The romance angle. Why not? You’re a fairly attractive guy, Max is a good-looking dame…it was set. And to make sure we wouldn’t get suspicious, you made sure KAOS got out the word they wanted you bad. For over a million dollars…
Junior: 10 million dollars.
Zach: 10 million…10 MILLION DOLLARS!? You were offered 10 million? God, I’ve been waiting my whole spy career to have a price of 10 million dollars on my head.
Max: Zachary, you’re getting off the point.
Zach: Hmm? Oh. Yeah. Anyway, we had no choice but to believe you, but that wasn’t enough. We were put into an even bigger can. Either we release you to KAOS or the pull the switch and release every criminal in this cities biggest jail. The way I figured it, that would give KAOS plenty of time to take this city under wraps.
Junior: This is all fun and games, but I don’t see how…
Parker: How we could’ve possibly found out?
Zach: Simple. When those shots rang out, I knew something wasn’t right. We were in the middle of nowhere, so does KAOS know where we are? And another clue, your gun wasn’t fired. And it hadn’t been.
Maxine: Zach, I saw you check that gun myself.
Zach: That was my gun. [flashback] When I went over to check Junior’s gun, I switched his for mine. Mine had been fired recently. When I left, Austin and I checked that gun and it hadn’t been fired for weeks, months even. I know something was up. So I staked out your room and just waited. I heard voices, waited til they died down and looked out the window. Called my Dad and here we are.
Junior stood there and finally pulled a gun on them.
Junior: Good job. [to Maxine] I’m sorry, Maxine. You’re certainly the last person who I want to upset. I may have lied about everything else, but not anything I may have said to you. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a wonderful girl, certainly a terrific KAOS agent, but you’re on the side of good and justice and I’m a bad boy. It wouldn’t have work.
Maxine: [slightly angry] Are you saying…that you used me for your own personal battles with the company I work for?
Junior: Darling, it’s nothing against you. But business is business.
Maxine: [angrier] You’re telling me you played with my emotions to get at the company I work for?!
Parker: [to Junior] You shouldn’t have done that.
Max: That was really bad, Junior. [backing away with Z and P]
Junior: Where do you think you’re going? We’re not finished here. We have a little matter about the early release of some prisoners.
Zach: [moving over to the counter on the side] Oh yeah. We stopped that. We just had the locks changed.
Junior: What? You’ve got to be kidding me! After all of that, I’m done? I’m finished?
Max: [looking at Maxine getting madder and madder] From the looks of it, yes.
Junior turned to Maxine and realized what Max was talking about. The other three quickly ducked behind the counter. Zach quickly popped back up, got a bowl of peanuts, and then ducked back down again.
Junior: Maxine, love…listen, I really am sorry.
Maxine: I believed you, Junior.
Junior: You’re not gonna call me Conrad anymore?
From behind the counter, the guys just listen to Maxine clean house, so to speak.
Parker: Hey, should we get up and help her?
Max: [eating peanuts] No, she’s fine. The best thing to do in these situations is just find something to hide behind. She’ll be fine.
Zach: Yeah, she hasn’t had this much fun since we broke up that KAOS convention.
Max: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. That was a nice two week vacation we took.
Zach: Very nice. We should do it again sometime. Like the summer or something.
Parker: Hey, shouldn’t we help Junior or something?
Max: No. He deserves this.
Zach: Take note, Parker. I don’t want that to be you out there. [pause] Man, I’m hungry.
Max: Me too. Maybe we can sneak out and get some Chinese or something.
Zach: Man, I want to order in. I wish we had a phone or something.
Max and Parker look at Zach. Zach looks at them.
Zach: Oh, yeah, huh? I do have a phone! [removing shoe phone][on phone] Hello, Mr. Chen? Zachary Smart. Oragato. How are you, sir? [pause] Fine, just fine. Listen, we’re kinda hungry over here and we were wondering if you could deliver? Oh, hold on, sir. [covering phone] Someone should ask Maxine what she wants. [M and P look at him] Oh hell. I’ll just get her sweet and sour pork. [on phone] Mr. Chen, yes. About our orders…
THE END CREDITS TO GET SMART!!