THAT DASHING YOUNG AGENT IN THAT FLYING CONTROL THING
SETTING: A prison deep in Pakistan. Inside, a man sits on a white cot with his head in hands. Suddenly, the cell door opens and a beautiful woman walks in, accompanied by a guard.
Guard: You have ten minutes. (turns and leaves)
Man: What took you so long to get here? I radioed KAOS over two hours ago.
Woman: I have my own problems, Bruno. I am not here to do what YOU want me to do. Now, what information do you have for me?
Bruno: I’m sorry to get so cross with you. The plans for the super sonic missile launcher are being sent to the Pentagon for protection. I found out that Agent 78, Zachary Smart is standing on guard for the rest of the morning.
Woman: Will he be there tonight?
Bruno: I don’t know. I don’t think so, but don’t underestimate Smart or any of the other Smarts.
Woman: I am a woman and Zachary Smart is a man. Knowing the reputation he has with women, it should be fairly easy to get pass him.
Bruno: Well, be careful. CONTROL will stop at nothing to make sure KAOS keeps away from those plans.
Woman: (runs hand across Bruno’s face) Why do you worry so? You’re like all the others.
Bruno: [bitterly] I don’t know why I even fell for you. All you do is use men to get information.
Woman: (kissing Bruno) It’s because you are a man. And I am Martha Harry. (turns to leave) I will tell the guard that you have a pardon from my husband, Gen. Fredricks. You should be able to get out and back to your area. Send in the other pilot. (leaves)
Scene switches to the Pentagon. In a hallway, standing outside a door marked ‘Top Secret’, was Agent 78, Zachary Smart. He was looking up and down the hall for his relief man. He looked to his right and saw his sister, Agent 24, Maxine Smart walking towards him.
Maxine: You’re still here?
Zach: Yes. Still bored as ever. I’m so glad I’m an active agent at CONTROL. I could be stuck doing this for a living. Are you my relief?
Maxine: (laughs) Hardly. I just wanted to see if you were still here. (looks down the hall and sees another agent coming)(to Zach) Here comes Agent 29 now.
29: (running)(gets to door) Sorry I’m late, 78. I had a little car trouble on the way.
Zach: No problem. I can’t wait ‘til these plans are gone from here and put together. That way, they’ll have to be somewhere else. Well, I’m taking off, 29.
29: Alright, Smart. I’ll call your Dad when I’m relieved.
Zach: Right. (starts to leave with Max) Be careful, 29. I heard KAOS is planning to get their hands on those plans.
29: Trust me, Smart. I’ve been here for a long time at CONTROL. I know KAOS like the back of my hand.
Zach and Maxine walk off, leaving 29 to guard the door. As the theme music starts, we see a figure behind a wall near 29 and the room.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!
SETTING: The next morning at CONTROL. Chief Maxwell Smart is on the phone with members from the Pentagon. As the automatic door opens, Zach, Maxine, and Agent 66 walk in. They go to the Chief’s desk
and 66 takes a seat. When Max hangs up, he sits down in his chair.
Maxine: Something wrong, Dad?
Max: Agent 29 was murdered last night while guarding the plans for the super sonic missile launcher.
66: Murdered? But Chief, that’s impossible! The Pentagon is a highly protected government building! How could anyone get in without proper authorization?
Max: That’s what I, several members of Congress, and the President of the Untied States would like to know.
Zach: Are the plans still in the Pentagon, Dad?
Max: Oddly enough, yes.
Zach: Oddly enough? Isn’t that a good sign?
Max: Yes and no. Agent 29 was killed, yes, but the plans were untouched. If KAOS is responsible, which they probably are, why didn’t they take the plans after they killed 29?
Zach: Well, that’s pretty simple, Pop. KAOS is a mean, despicable, greedy, dirty, underhanded organization. And that’s on their good days.
Maxine: Well, Daddy, what ever KAOS has in store, we’ll be there to stop them.
Max: I’m glad you have that attitude.
Maxine: Why?
Max: Because you’re going to stop them. But first, I need to ask you something. Have any of you heard of Martha Harry?
Zach: Martha Harry…[thinking] No, I don’t believe so.
66: Wait a minute. She’s one of KAOS’ femme fatales, isn’t she?
Max: Yes, and what’s been going around, she knows that we’re on to her. She’s just waiting in a KAOS office somewhere for me to send in Agent 78.
Zach: Well, send him in! The national security of our country is at stake!
Max: Zach, I don’t think you understand. Martha Harry, as lovely as she may be, is a cold KAOS killer. She seduces men in order to get information from them and then kills them.
Zach: Look, Pop. She wants Agent 78, give her Agent 78. That way, he’ll be a decoy, so we can keep the real plans for the sonic missile launcher here.
66: But, Zach…
Zach: No buts, 66. I know this might sound cold and insensitive, but if she’s all hot and bothered over Agent 78, give her Agent 78. In fact, I DEMAND she’s given Agent 78!
66: But Zach…
Max: Alright, Zach. If you feel that way.
Zach: I do.
Max: Okay, you’re the man for the job.
Zach: [nods, then stops] Excuse me?
66: Zach, that’s what I was trying to tell you. YOU’RE Agent 78.
Zach: [stunned] [to Max} Dad, [laughs] about what I said…
Max: No, Zach, I think you have a really good plan there. We’ll send you out with some fake plans of the missile launcher, that way when you’re captured, CONTROL wouldn’t have lost anything.
Zach: You would too lose something!
Max: What?
Zach: Me! Dad, this is crazy.
Maxine: Zach, are you actually saying you’re no match for Martha Harry?
Zach: No! I’m saying she’s no match to me!
Max: Well, Zach, that’s perfect. Don’t you see?
Zach: No.
Max: You’re the perfect person for this case. I mean, what woman can withstand the charms of Zachary Smart?
Zach: [smiling] True. So true.
Max: I mean, you’re my son and therefore you’ve inherited the overwhelming Smart charm. With you on this case, Martha Harry will HAVE to crack.
Zach: When you’re right, you’re right, Dad.
66: Zach! Martha Harry is a cold, evil, sadistic woman! She uses her charms to seduce men!
Zach: Everyone has their little faults, 66.
66: Those aren’t her faults, those are her high points.
Zach: 66, look. This is me you’re talking about. No woman has ever withstood the advances of Zachary Smart. I’m like Casanova. Women are naturally attracted to me. [Maxine rolls her eyes] That’s a fact that I’ll just have to live with. No matter who they are, how far they come, Zachary Smart takes their hearts and romances them until they crack. [66 rolls her eyes] It’s my duty as an agent of CONTROL to use my hypnotic powers of romance and lust to bring down the evils of KAOS. [to Max] When do we start, Dad?
Max: Right now. Go downstairs and see Parker in the lab.
Maxine: Are you sure you can fit through the door, Zach?
Zach: What’d you mean?
66: I think she means you need to let a little air out of your head. [leaves]
Zach: [leaving with Max] [to 66] No use getting testy about it. I’m only saying…
The three get down to the lab where Dr. Austin Parker is. Parker calls them over.
Parker: Hey guys, I’m glad you’re here. I’m sure the Chief’s told you the whole case.
Zach: Yes. KAOS’ Martha Harry is being used to gather government information from captured KAOS agents.
Parker: Yes, and if we don’t stop her, the nation’s security as we know it could be in serious trouble. I’ve taken the liberty of putting together your equipment, Agent 78. See this toothpaste? [picks up tube of toothpaste]
Zach: Yes. [taking paste] It’s minty green and with tartar protection.
Parker: [snatches back paste] It only looks like toothpaste, Smart, when in actuality, when you open the top, it holds a secret compartment.
Maxine: That way, if you find anything of importance, you can hide it in there and not get caught.
Parker: Your mission, Zach, is to pose as a KAOS pilot and find out all you can about KAOS and Harry.
Zach: Parker, supposing I am captured, how will I communicate with CONTROL?
Parker: Very simply. [picks up toothbrush] In this toothbrush is a cleverly hidden communication device. Just pull the brush part, talk into it and use the handle as a receiver.
Zach: I’ve got to hand it to you, Parker, these are marvelous devices. What about weapons?
Maxine: If you follow me, Zach, I’ll show you the latest in the weapon technology. [they walk to another table] [picks up a fountain pen] Do you know what will happen when I press the tip?
Zach: [taking pen] Of course. Ink will come out. [starts to press tip]
Parker & Maxine: NO!!
Parker: [grabbing pen] If you press the tip, you will shoot a tiny caliber bullet.
66: What kind of damage will that do?
Maxine: It might be a small bullet, but it has the capability of putting a hole in a man the size of a sliding glass door.
Zach: [about to reach for pen, then pulls his hand back] Nasty little weapon, isn’t it?
Parker: It was Max’s invention. [they both smile]
Zach: I figured as much.
Parker: Come on, Smart. Your helicopter’s waiting outside.
Zach: [goes to walk out, but stops] Helicopter? [walks outside]
Zach, Parker, and the girls walk outside to the CONTROL airfield and are met by Max and 99. On the airfield is a blue and silver helicopter.
Max: [to Zach] This is the air force’s new flight helicopter. It’s equipped with missiles, a laser, and sub machine guns on either side.
Zach: It’s a great design, Dad. Where did the boys in the air force get the idea for the chopper?
Max: It’s exactly identical to the ones KAOS have. [moves towards chopper] Okay, Zach, synchronize your watch. You’ll take off at exactly 9:43am. It’s just 9:25 now, so we’re ahead of schedule. You’re to fly into Pakistan at exactly 12:52. You’re to land in a field before you reach the Pakistan government headquarters. There, you’ll change into the KAOS fighter pilot’s clothes and get a disguise from the disguise kit.
Zach: Is there a disguise kit in the helicopter, Pop?
Max: Yes, in the glove department. I’ll give you exactly fifteen minutes to change and disguise yourself, which means you’ll take off from the field at 1:07. The government HQ isn’t very far, so you’ll be overheard at about 1:10. In about five minutes, seven Pakistan fight planes will fly behind you and then you’ll be captured.
Zach: How will I know that they’re Pakistan planes?
Max: They’ll be shooting at you. [Zach nods, then looks horrified at his father, then calms down]
Zach: Tell me, Dad, do these Pakistan fighter planes actually shoot DOWN their targets? Please say no.
Max: [smiles] Don’t worry, Zach. The KAOS pilot we caught told us everything we wanted to know.
66: The only real danger is when you meet Martha Harry.
Zach: [smirking] You mean when Martha Harry meets ME. She won’t have a chance. [getting up on the chopper’s step] Well I’m off.
99: Zach, please be careful.
Zach: I will.
Zach turns to get in the chopper, only to smack his face into the frame, knocking him off the step and onto the ground. He quickly got back up and had a look of authority and assurance on his face.
Zach: I’m fine. I’m fine. [getting back on step]
As Zach got into the chopper, he winced in pain from the hit. He put his shades on and his headphones and started to start the engine.
99: [donning on something] Max, I didn’t know Zach could fly a plane of any kind. When did he get his pilot’s license?
Maxine: [watching Zach take off] He didn’t.
99 & Max: [nodding, then shocked] He WHAT!?
Maxine: [looks at parents] He never got his pilot’s license. He failed the test. [pauses] [sees look on their faces] And I see you didn’t know that.
Max: [a little peeved] You let me put your brother in a government chopper and you didn’t bother to tell me he doesn’t have a license!?
Maxine: Well, he sorta has a license.
99: What do you mean, ‘he SORTA has a license’?
Maxine: Well, he took the flight test again and from what I heard, drove the instructor to the point where he just gave him a learner’s permit…so to speak.
Zach went up and the remaining people on the ground saw what Maxine meant by only the learner’s permit. Zach couldn’t keep the helicopter completely in the air. It kept bobbing up and down in the sky. As he started out he clipped one of the trees on the ground to the point where it just fell over.
Zach: [shouting] Sorry about that!
He finally got the chopper straight and took off to the field in Pakistan. The Smarts, 66, and Parker got their bearings and Max took a deep breath.
Max: [sighing] Maxine…why did…you wait…until now to tell me that your brother doesn’t have a pilot’s license?
Maxine: [nervous] Would you believe because you never asked?
Max: [angry] No, I would not believe because I never asked! Your brother… [making a sad sigh] is in… [sad sigh] a 95 thousand dollar helicopter. [starts to cry] He’s gonna crash that plane. I’m never gonna see it again.
66: [trying to console Max] Well, think of it this way, Chief, Zach might come back.
Max: [sobbing] I don’t want Zach back, I want my helicopter! [to 66] And if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all! [sobbing] [walks into HQ, followed by everybody]
******COMMERCIAL BREAK******
SETTING: An abandoned field. As the camera draws in for a closer look, we see a helicopter on the ground. Drawing closer, we see a figure outside of the chopper. It turns out to be Zachary Smart. He has just changed into a KAOS fighter pilot uniform and was trying out moustaches and beards from the disguise kit. He finally decided on this thin goatee and placed a small scar across his eye. He then looked at his watch. 1:04. Perfect, he was three minutes ahead of schedule. He hopped back inside the chopper and started the engine and took off for the Pakistan government headquarters. Only being in the air for about a minute, Zach heard what sounded like distant gun fire. He glanced in his rearview mirror and discovered that about nine Pakistan fighter planes were after him and shooting. Zach instantly radioed CONTROL from the chopper.
Zach: [shouting from the window] You’re five minutes early!
The scene switches to a CONTROL tower and we see an agent receiving messages. The Smarts, Parker, and 66 standby for any word from Zach.
Agent: We’re getting something from Agent 78, sir.
Max: Good. Patch it through the speakers over here.
The scene then goes back to Zach and the fighter planes. The scenes go back and forth.
Zach: Dad, you lied when you said there were only five fighter planes. I’m being chased by nine!
Max: We figured that.
Zach: You did, huh? When did you think it be appropriate to tell me?
Max: The same time you decided to tell me you didn’t have a pilot’s license!
Parker: Chief, I really don’t think that matters now.
Zach: Dad, what am I going to do?
Max: Well, try and stick to the plan of getting captured alive. If they keep shooting you, maybe you can use your parachute.
Zach: {shocked] Parachute? Only as a last resort. A VERY last resort. Look, maybe if I try to out maneuver them, they’ll leave me alone.
99: Zach, the best thing for you to do is just surrender.
Zach: Zachary Smart NEVER surrenders!
66: Zach, this is no time to get foolish pride!
The line goes quiet, but you can hear the gun fire in the background.
99: Zach?
Zach: Uh oh.
Max: Uh oh? What uh oh? Zach, did you just say uh oh?
Zach: [hesitant] Um…this may be nothing…but when that little light goes on, that probably means something bad, huh?
Parker: [looks at the others] Depends. What little light?
Zach: Oh, wait! I know what it is!
Maxine: What?
Zach: The fuel line’s been hit. [does a double take] THE FUEL LINE’S BEEN HIT! Oh my God! I’m going to crash! I’m going to die!
Max: Zach, will you stop panicking!? You’re not going to die.
Zach: That’s what you say now, but what if I was there? What would you say then? Huh?
Max: Zach, remember you still can be saved. Just use your parachute.
Zach: I’d rather go down with the helicopter.
Max: Zach! [thinking of something] Wait, the chopper’s going down? Not the copter!
Zach: I guess I could use the parachute.
Max: Don’t you dare! All pilots go down with the plane!
99: Max! First of all it’s captains who go down with the ship, and secondly, that’s our son up there!
Zach: [from far away] Look out below!
Agent: Sorry, Chief. The connection’s been lost. It seems like Smart jumped from the ‘copter.
Max: This may be a little insensitive, but any word on the how the helicopter is?
99: Max!
Maxine: Dad!
The scene goes to a figure in the sky with a parachute, slowly coming down to the ground. Next, the scene switches to the Pakistan jail. Two guards bring Zach in and put him in a cell and lock the door. Another guard comes with some other man.
Guard: Your name?
Zach: [in German accent] Col. Hans Von Brobeck.
Man: You’re not on the list of agents scheduled to be here.
Zach: Pardon?
Man: The list. The KAOS list of pilots. I don’t believe…[picks up a clipboard with papers on it]
Zach: I’m a last minute replacement. The agent who was supposed to be here was unexpectedly called away to a funeral.
Man: Oh? Whose funeral?
Zach: His.
Man: Very well, then. Wait here. Ms. Harry will be here shortly.
Zach: Sure, no problem. You mind if I brush my teeth?
Guard: Brush your teeth? What for?
Zach: Good dental hygiene reflects best upon you in enclosed spaces. Besides…I like brushing my teeth.
The two men go and leave Zach by himself in his cell. He goes over to small mirror over a tiny sink and takes out his toothbrush. He looks around and sees that no one is coming. He pulls out the head of the brush and on the back starts to dial a number. He places the handle to his ear and waits for a pick-up.
Zach: This is Zachary Smart, Agent 78, calling CONTROL. Come in CONTROL. [pauses] No, operator, that’s Smart. S as in super, M as in marvelous, A as in amazing, R as in radiant…yes, Smart. [pauses] Hello, CONTROL? This Agent 78, Zachary Smart…[another pause] No, S as in super, M as in marvelous, A as in amazing…yes, put me in contact with the Chief. [yet another pause] Hello? I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. D as in dashing, A as in amazing…oh Dad! I gotcha.
Max: What’s up, Zach?
Zach: Well, I’ve been captured and I’m in this little prison here. I talked to a guard and some other guy about why I’m not a list for scheduled KAOS agents.
Max: Zach, who was the other guy?
Zach: Beats me. He was about 6’ ft, had little beady eyes, had wavy brown hair, had on an officer’s uniform…
Max: An officer’s uniform? Hmmm…that might be the connection we’ve been waiting for.
Zach: Dad, you’ve lost me.
Max: See, even though we knew Martha Harry was getting vital information out of Washington by KAOS pilots and getting them to KAOS, but we didn’t know how the agents were getting in then getting out,
but now I know. That guy you saw might be the head of the Pakistan army or something and is having his men capture KAOS agents, keeping them in jail until Harry gets there, then releasing them.
Zach: Well, that means that this place is virtually crawling with KAOS agents. [looks at watch] Dad, the guard said that in a few minutes I would meet with Martha Harry. What kind of false information
should I tell her?
Max: Did you look in your toothpaste?
Zach: No. Why?
Max: Inside, there’s a list of top secret names and numbers from our New England branch of CONTROL.
Zach: Dad, you’re not suggesting that I actually give her that list, do you?
Max: Calm down. Take a look at that list.
Zach picks up the toothpaste, unscrews the top, and removes a piece of paper from the hidden compartment. He unrolls the list and then starts to read it.
Zach: [reading, until something surprises him] J. E. Hoover? Carl Danka? Bert Bacarach?! Dad, this is a phony list!
Max: I know. Look, Zach. Martha Harry is probably coming as we speak, give her that list and try and gather as much information as you can without becoming romantically involved.
Zach was about to say something when the line hung up. He replaced the brush head and placed the piece of paper in his front jacket pocket. Just as he did this, a beautiful woman came to the cell down. She was wearing a tan trench coat, black heels, and a tan fedora. Zach couldn’t help but look her over once or twice. The woman picked up the same clipboard the other man had earlier.
Woman: Hans Brobeck, huh?
Zach: That’s COLONEL Brobeck to you.
Woman: Don’t you know who I am?
Zach: A female Dick Tracey?
Woman: [smiles, opens cell door and walks in] I am…Martha Harry.
Zach: Oh. [watches her close door] The infamous Martha Harry. I once heard you dispatched several CONTROL agents with one walk.
Harry: Mmm…yes, I did. [sitting on cot] But do you know who I REALLY want?
Zach: [gulps] [in a high voice] No. Who? [clears his throat] Who?
Harry: Zach Smart.
Zach: [nervous] You know, I think that’s Zachary Smart. I heard he hates when people call him that.
Harry: You seem nervous, Heir Brobeck…or may I call you…Hans.
Zach: [very nervous] Whatever. [composes himself and sits next to her] So…[falls backwards on cot, then gets back up] Martha, what can I do you for?
Harry: I understand you have information for me.
Zach: Yes. [reaches in pocket and takes out list] I have the names of every agent on the CONTROL New England circuit.
Harry: Beautiful. [reaches for list, but Zach keeps it out of reach]
Zach: Just what do I get out of this deal?
Harry: [smiling seductively] Just what is it that you want, Heir Smart?
Zach: So you know.
Harry: I’ve been wanting to meet you, Mr. Smart.
Zach: So I hear. But just so you know, I have the upper hand.
Harry: Oh? Why do you say that?
Zach: Because as we speak, 500 of our best and brightest army, air force, navy, and marine pilots are converging on this jail house. Would you believe it? 500.
Harry: [standing] I find that very hard to believe.
Zach: [also standing] Would you believe 100?
Harry: [walks closer to Zach] No. I wouldn’t.
Zach: Would you believe rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub?
Harry starts to kiss Zach around the neck, which is starting to make Zach uncomfortable.
Zach: Tarzan and his apes? [Harry still seducing] Chimpanzees? [Zach is starting to give in] How about Rocky and Bullwinkle?
Harry kisses Zach madly and passionately. Zach takes this opportunity to switch on the little tape recorder in his belt buckle. They part.
Zach:[to camera] I’m in big trouble.
Harry: So, Mr. Smart, what exactly have you come for?
Zach: I’m arresting you, Martha Harry, for the murder of CONTROL Agent 29 and all the agents you’ve dispatched, for gathering secret information from the US government in order to pursue your own agenda,
and for sending vital information from the US government to KAOS high command. If I were you, I’d bring a change of clothes.
Harry: Mr. Smart…may I call you Zachary?
Zach: Please do.
Harry: Zachary, we both have a living to make. You on the side of good, and me on the side of evil. It’s dirty job, Zachary, but someone must do it. [holding up list] I’ll assume this is a faulty list, so I won’t even bother to read it. But so you know, Zachary, [pulls out gun] I am sorry for this. I wished we had more time together.
Zach: Why? So you could kill me later? No, Ms. Harry, you won’t shoot me.
Harry: And why not?
Zach: [confused] Why? Uh…well, you….are an incredibly beautiful woman and I just think that….you’re too lovely to be a murderer.
Harry: Those are kind words, Zachary.
Zach: How did a girl like you ever get into this business anyways?
Harry: That’s my secret, but I will say this. KAOS has paid me a lot of money to gather information from your government. And I don’t disappoint people.
Zach: [looking at Harry] I’d believe that. Just how do you get in here?
Harry: The man in the uniform that met you here. He’s the Captain of the Pakistan army.
Zach: And a KAOS agent.
Harry: Yes. He tells his men to capture all KAOS agents flying over the government headquarters.
Zach: And the men believe they are capturing these men for the good of mankind.
Harry: When in actuality, they are capturing KAOS agents with information for KAOS. The Capt. lets me get in here, posing as the wife of the prime minister of course, and I send the information I get back to KAOS.
Zach: Ingenious little plan. Except there’s one hitch.
Harry: Oh? What?
Zach: I found out about it. Too bad for you, huh?
Harry: [smiling, raising gun] No. Too bad for you, cause now I’m gonna kill you.
Zach: Oh. Well, that’s not cool. For me, I mean.
Harry: Goodbye, Zachary. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Harry pulls the trigger and Zach is hit. He stumbles back to the fall and slides down, dead.
*****COMMERCIAL BREAK*****
SETTING: The Pakistan prison. Zachary Smart lay on the floor, dead. The guard and the Capt. of the army run to the cell.
Capt.: What happened?
Harry: I just did KAOS a great favor. I just killed Zachary Smart. [to guard] Open the door. Get me out of here.
The guard opens the door and Harry walks out. The three stand outside the cell and discuss what to do with body when they hear a voice behind them.
Zach: Hold it, right there.
The three turn around and see Zach, fully alive and standing with a pen in his hand, pointed at them.
Harry: How did you live? I shot you in the heart!
Zach: I took the liberty of wearing my bullet-proof undershirt this morning. [walks out door] The three of you, stand over there.
Capt.: What are we doing? He’s holding us up with a pen! What’s he going to do? Write us to death?
Zach: That’s shows your ignorance, Capt. Do you know what will happen when I push this tip?
Harry: Ink will come out.
Zach smirks and pushes the pen tip and discovers there’s actual ink in the pen.
Zach: Hold it! [reaches in pocket and takes out another pen.]
Zach examines the pen and pushes the tip. A shot rings out and the guard falls to the ground, dead. Harry and the Capt. are shocked and raise their hands.
Zach: Now that’s what I call the right pen.
Back in Washington, the Smarts, Parker, and Agent 66 stand in the Chief’s office.
Max: Well, we took care of Martha Harry, that crooked captain, and all KAOS agents have been arrested or thrown out of Pakistan.
66: I gotta hand it to you, Zach. You didn’t fall under pressure with Martha Harry.
Zach: Well, lets just say, if she’d only used her beauty for good, instead of evil.
Parker: Incidentally, Smart, what took you so long to get back? You were only supposed to be gone a day or two.
Zach: Yes, well, the Prime Minister of Pakistan wanted to thank me for my help, so he threw this party. But let me tell you, I only stayed because it was in my honor. He throws the worse parties. I was bored after a minute.
Maxine: [looking at Zach] Were you?
Zach: Yeah. I don’t I’ve ever been to a more…boring party…in my life.
Maxine: Funny you should say that, Zach. You see, [hold up Zach’s mini tape recorder] I just happen to have your mini tape recorder here…
Zach: So?
Maxine presses play and the tape starts to play.
Tape Zach: Mr. Prime Minister, this is the best party I’ve ever been to.
PM: Thank you, Zachary. Here talk to my daughter for awhile. I’ll be back.
Maxine stops tape.
Zach: Okay, so the man gives a better party than I said. So what?
Maxine plays tape.
TZ: Well, hello.
Woman’s voice: Hello. I’m Christine. [look of horror on Zach’s face]
TZ: I’m Zachary Smart, jet-setting playboy.
Maxine pauses tape.
Maxine: [smiling] Jet-setter, huh?
Zach: [laughing nervously] Look, she knew I was fooling. She was like thirty something.
Maxine plays tape.
Zach: Please don’t play that tape.
TZ: I’ve never seen one look so beautiful at the age of seventeen. [Zach hangs head in anguish]
Zach: Could you stop the tape now? Please?
Maxine: One more.
Christine: Are you a real millionaire, Zachary?
TZ: Of course. If you’re ever in America, maybe I could take you for a ride in my Porsche.
Christine: You have a Porsche?
TZ: And a jeep. They were left to me by my parents…who died in a terrible airplane crash. [This is killing Zach and it looks like Max, 99, and 66 are going to kill him as well]
Christine: Oh you poor boy!
TZ: [sighing] yes. Every now and then I…I just get…I just miss them so much.
Christine: Oh Zachary, if there’s anything I can do just say the word.
TZ: Well, there is one thing…. [Zach grabs tape recorder from Maxine]
Zach: That’s enough. [looks at everyone else] [pauses] I can explain…
THE NEW ENDING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!!!