The Ballad of Zachary Smart




SETTING: An old western, Texas town. Inside a bar, people are playing cards or are at the bar. A piano player sits at the piano playing an old rag-time tune. Over in the corner, sitting in a tilted chair, is a man dressed in all black. He has his black cowboy hat drawn over his eyes and it appears as though he is sleeping. From the swinging front doors, enters a man in a business suit. He looks around and sees the man in black and starts to walk over to him. The man gets up from his chair and starts to walk upstairs. The man in the business suit follows him. They get to a room on the third floor and go in.

Man #2: KAOS would like to thank you, Mr. Gunn, for joining our organization. We’ve heard you’re one of the best gunslingers this side of Texas.

Gunn: I AM the best. Where’s my money?

Man #2: (takes out envelope) Right here. (hands it to him) I should warn you though. Maxwell Smart has heard about your recent hiring into KAOS. He and his son are coming out to try and stop you.

Gunn: No one stops Bart Gunn from doing ANYTHING.

Man #2: I know, Mr. Gunn. That’s why KAOS hired you. We know you’ll get rid of Maxwell Smart.

Gunn: (checking his gun) I’ll get him. (pointing gun at man) But there’s no need for you.

Man #2: No, Mr. Gunn! You can’t shoot me!

Gunn: (lets gun down a little) (thinking) No, I think I can. (shoots man) I told you. No one stops Bart Gunn from anything.




SETTING: A train coming down the track. It roars part the camera and into a tunnel. As it comes out, the camera goes in to look at the passengers. In a seat by a large window, sit the Smart family. Max is fiddling with an etch-a-sketch; 99 is doing a crossword puzzle; Maxine, who is sitting across from her, is playing Super Mario on her Game Boy; and Zach, who is sitting by the window, across from his father, is reading the latest issue of Spy Life. After awhile, Zach looks out the window, then looks at Max.

Zach: (to Max) You know, Dad, you and Mom didn’t have to come out here. I mean, I think Max and I could probably handle this by ourselves.

Max: Believe me, Zach, this case is all yours. Your mother and I are here for a completely different reason.

Maxine: Those stolen bills taken from the Pentagon?

99: (still doing puzzle) Yes. The trail leads to Texas, so your father and I will be talking with the sheriff about any suspicious characters that might have come or gone.

Zach: So, we’re not here for that, right?

Max: No. You and Max are looking for Bart Gunn.

Maxine: KAOS’ new number one assassin.

99: Yes and please be careful. He’s the most ruthless, cunning, heartless individual that KAOS has ever employed. You both will be in extreme danger at every moment.

Zach: And…loving it.

Maxine: (looking at her brother) Well that’s easy for you to say.

Zach: What are you worried about? We’ve probably fought and caught some of the fiercest KAOS agents ever. Bart Gunn’s probably a pussycat compared to some of them. If you’re a little scared, baby sister, maybe you should sit this one out. I, on the other hand, am not one to frightened so easily. In fact, I don’t know the meaning of the word fear.

99: Zach, Bart Gunn is the fastest shooter in Texas. He’s killed thirty people in the last month!

Zach: (stunned) Fear- the state or condition of alarm and dread…

The train starts to slow down in front of the Oakly Corral. The Smarts get their bags and head into the station.

Max: Okay guys, your contact should be here in ten minutes. 99 and I will be over in the gift shop.

Zach: Right, Pop.

Max and 99 leave to go to the gift shop, leaving Zach and Maxine in the lobby of the train station. Soon, a man walks up behind them quietly and whispers in Zach’s ear.

Man: You are Smart?

Zach: I’m very smart. Yes, I admit I did drop out of college, but it was for a good cause….

Maxine: Zach, I think he means if you’re Zachary Smart.

Zach: Oh. Yeah, that’s me. Are you the contact we’re supposed to meet?

Man: Yes. My name is Hector Sanchez, of International CONTROL.

Maxine: International CONTROL? I thought this was just a random, small case.

Sanchez: I assure you, Miss. Nothing with Bart Gunn is ever small. He’s wanted in several different states and countries. It is only now that he joins the rank of KAOS.

Maxine: Well, what does this have to with International CONTROL?

Sanchez: Bart Gunn has killed fifteen of our agents. It is very imperative that we find Mr. Gunn.

Zach: Well, don’t worry. You’ve got the best agents on this case. You know, Max and I are known as Double Trouble around the Washington circuit of KAOS. I’m sure Bart Gunn has heard of us by now and is making his way down to the local police station to turn himself in.

Sanchez: I doubt that very much, Mr. Smart. Bart Gunn knows you’re here, yes, but he is very ready to kill you.

Zach: (surprised) Oh. You think he might turn himself in?

Sanchez: No.

Zach: Would you believe he’ll make a run for it? (look from Sanchez) Would believe he’s going to horribly disfigure me?

Maxine: I’d believe that.

Zach: (looks at Max) Whose side are you on?

Sanchez: No, Mr. Smart. I believe Bart Gunn is going to hunt you like a dog and then kill you with one sharp bullet to the heart.

Zach: (stunned) You’re not very good at encouraging, are you?

Sanchez: I’m only telling you the truth.

Zach: Couldn’t you have lied a little? Maybe exaggerate a bit?

Sanchez: When you and your family get settled in, meet me at the Gold Saloon at about five this afternoon. (turns to leave, then stops) Oh and Mr. Smart. Bart Gunn is a ruthless individual. He hunts a man like people hunt deer. And I’m afraid you have become his next prey. (leaves)

Zach: (looks at Sanchez as he leaves. (Turns to Max) I’m going to die. I really am going to die.

After their meeting with Agent Sanchez, Zach and Maxine find their parents and the four of them head to their hotel. After unpacking, Max and 99 leave to go talk to Sheriff Jeff Haslett about the stolen bills. Zach and Maxine decide to go and check out the Gold Saloon and meet up with Agent Sanchez once again.

Sanchez: I was hoping you would get here.

Zach: Yes, well, we’re quite surprised to see you. I thought you told us 5pm.

Sanchez: I wanted a drink, Mr. Smart. Besides, I thought you might decide to come down and check out the place. Come, I must show you something upstairs.

Sanchez leads the twins upstairs to a third floor bedroom of the saloon. Once in the room, Sanchez closes the door.

Sanchez: A KAOS man was found here this morning, evidently shot to death.

Maxine: By whom?

Sanchez: My guess would be Bart Gunn.

Zach: Okay, if Bart Gunn’s a member of KAOS, why shoot a KAOS courier?

Sanchez: I told you. Bart Gunn is a ruthless, deceiving, cunning individual. He kills at will and when it suits him.

Zach: So why did bring us up here?

Sanchez: I found this (pulls out a piece of paper) on the man’s body. I believe them to be plans for something.

Maxine: Zach! That’s the inside of the Pentagon room where the bills were kept!

Zach: (to Sanchez) Why didn’t you give this to us earlier?

Sanchez: I wanted to show you the room where I found it. Maybe there are other clues here.

Zach: You didn’t search the room?

Sanchez: I was waiting for you to get here, so we might search together.

Zach: That’s alright, Sanchez. We’ll search the room tomorrow.

Sanchez: Well, what if someone comes in before that time?

Zach: No problem. We’ll lock the door. You have the key?

Sanchez: Yes, it’s in my pocket.

Zach: (heads to the door) Then lock the room up. Come on, Max. I want to show this to Mom and Dad. (leaves)

As the twins go downstairs, Maxine is curious as to why Zach didn’t search the room.

Maxine: Zach, why aren’t we searching the room? (follows Zach outside)

Zach: Because I want to run a check on our man Sanchez.

Maxine: Sanchez? Why?

The two head back over to their hotel, where Zach stops at the door and turns to his sister.

Zach: Didn’t it seem a little odd to you that he didn’t give us this paper at the station? Why did he want to wait for us to search that room?

Maxine: You think Sanchez is a double agent?

Zach: (walking inside) No, but I think he knows more than he’s telling.

Zach and Maxine walk upstairs to their rooms and check to see if Max and 99 are back. Seeing that their parents had not returned, the twins went to Zach’s room to do a check on Sanchez.

Maxine: Wait. Zach, I’m confused. Why is Sanchez hiding information from us?

Zach: If I knew that, Maxine, I wouldn’t have to do a check.

Zach takes his shoe off and unlatches the heel. Inside is a phone and Zach starts to dial CONTROL headquarters. The phone rings and Agent 66 answers.

66: Hello?

Zach: 66, I’m glad you’re in.

66: Hi, Zach. Something wrong?

Zach: I need you to do a background check on a Hector Sanchez.

66: (writing) Okay. What am I looking for?

Zach: Check and see if he’s a KAOS agent first of all. Then check under the International CONTROL files and see if he’s really an agent there.

66: International CONTROL? When did your case fall under International CONTROL?

Zach: That’s what you’re going to help me find out.

66: Okay. Any particular time you’d like this valuable information?

Zach: (sarcastically) Sometime before I get to Washington, if that could be arranged.

66: Very funny, Smart. How ‘bout later today? Maybe 3pm?

Zach: That’s great. Talk to you then. (hangs up)

Maxine: So, are we going to search that room?

Zach: Yep. We’re going to search it tonight.

Maxine: And what will we do ‘til then?

Zach: We’re going to go over this little piece of paper.

Maxine: What’s to go over? It’s a map of the Pentagon.

Zach: Is it? Come over and look at this. (Max walks over)(holds up paper) See where I’m pointing? That’s where the door should be, on this map it’s a wall. Sanchez lied when he said this was a map of the Pentagon.

Maxine: But he didn’t say it. I did.

Zach: Yes and you were wrong. But that look on his face told me that he KNOWS this isn’t a map of the Pentagon.

Maxine: So, do you think he planted that and wanted us to think it’s a real map?

Zach: We’ll find out tonight.

Meanwhile, Max and 99 were talking to the Sheriff about the missing Pentagon bills.

Sheriff: Don’t worry, Mr. and Mrs. Smart. My men are at your disposal regarding those bills. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Bart Gunn is in town.

Max: Yes, Sheriff, we’ve heard.

Sheriff: I’d be careful if I were you. Bart Gunn is a very dangerous customer. Before I was sheriff, he killed the two before me. Oh, he’s a rough one, he is. He takes a lot of pleasure in his killing. I once heard he shot a guy in the arm and then hung him from his feet and used his body as target practice.

99: How horrible!

Max: Sheriff, really!

Sheriff: Sorry, Ma’am. I know it’s a little grotesque, but that’s just the way Bart works. Be careful, okay?

Max: We’ll be fine, Sheriff. Call or stop by if you find anything.

Sheriff: Will do, Mr. Smart. (nods in 99’s direction) Mrs. Smart. (they leave)

Max and 99 go back to their hotel and find Zach and Maxine still in their rooms.

Zach: Oh, hey, you came back.

Max: Yeah, what’s up?

Zach: Come here and take a look at this map. (Max and 99 walk over)

99: What about it?

Zach: Anything strike you as odd in that picture?

99: (looking at picture) It looks like the Pentagon room where the bills were kept, except…(surprised) Zach! There’s no door!

Zach: Exactly. In this whole picture, there are no doors or windows.

Maxine: So what?

Zach: Max, if this was really the Pentagon, there would be at LEAST one door.

Maxine: So then Sanchez really is hiding something.

Max & 99: Sanchez?

Zach: He’s definitely hiding something. What, has yet to be determined, but he is.

99: How can you be sure?

Zach: First of all, he gave that map upstairs in the Gold Saloon. If he had it all this time, why not give it to us in the station. And he waited until we got to the saloon before he searched the room where a KAOS agent was found dead.

Max: KAOS agent? Murdered?

Maxine: Yes, and apparently Bart Gunn shot him.

Zach: We’re dealing with one seriously disturbed person.

Suddenly, from outside there was a rapid succession of gunfire from the saloon.

Zach: What was that?

The Smarts go to the window and see Hector Sanchez on the second floor terrace. Another shot is heard and Sanchez goes over the railing and falls to the ground. The Smarts instantly hurry downstairs and outside to see if Sanchez is badly hurt. When they get to Sanchez, Maxine checks for a pulse and find none.

Maxine: (to others) He’s gone. (looks up) Zach, look!

Everyone looks up to see a man wearing all black in the window from where Sanchez fell. He looks down and sees the Smarts huddled around Sanchez.

Gunn: You’re next, Smart. (leaves)

Zach: (drawing his gun) I’m going after him.

Maxine: Are you nuts? Zach, he just killed his 31st person! You might be his 32nd!

Zach: You’re not very good at encouraging, are you? (goes inside)

Zach goes inside the saloon and heads upstairs. He goes to the room where Sanchez fell, but there’s no one there. Footsteps behind reveal the rest of his family.

Zach: Nothing. (putting gun away) He must have gone out another window or out a back door or something.

Maxine: I wonder why he killed Sanchez.

Max: Maybe he was a double agent or maybe he just knew something he shouldn’t have.

99: Zach, that was a serious threat Gunn gave you. You’re in worse danger than ever.

Zach: Well if Bart Gunn wants to kill me, he’ll have to do it over my dead body! (realizes what he just said) I wish I hadn’t said that.





SETTING: The Gold Saloon. That night, as Zach promised, he, Maxine, Max, and 99 went and checked out the room where Sanchez had found the paper. Agent 66 had called earlier and confirmed that Sanchez was a real agent for International CONTROL and everything he said was supposedly the truth. Zach couldn’t find the key on Sanchez, so Maxine used her skeleton key to open the door. Max turned on his flashlight and the four walked into the room.

Max: I guess we’ll just spread out and see what we can find.

The four spread out and start searching. Everything is quiet until Zach exclaims “Yes!” and the others turn to look at him.

Maxine: What is it, Zach?

Zach: (hold up a bill) I found something. Mom, would this be one of the missing bills?

99: Zach, you found one of the Pentagon’s missing bills!

Zach: Yes, and if I miss my guess, Bart Gunn’s got a whole stash of them in his hideout some where.

As the Smarts talk upstairs, a figure is seen from the ground. It turns out to be Bart Gunn. He’s smoking a cigarette, finishes it, and throws it on the ground. He then takes out his pistol and aims for the window. He shoots and then hides behind the wall he stands next to. Upstairs, the bullet breaks the window, but misses the Smarts. They all duck down by the window.

Max: (gun drawn) Who’s down there?

Zach tries to look out the window when another shot comes through.

Zach: I can’t put my finger on it, but I think Bart Gunn is trying to kill us.

More shots come through the window. Zach decides he’s going to use a famous CONTROL tactic that Gen. Custer used.

Zach: I have a plan. I’m going to use diversionary tactic G-29.

Maxine: G-29? Zach, are you crazy? G-29 has NEVER worked in the history of CONTROL.

Zach: Max, General George Armstrong Custer used G-29 when he fought the battle of Little Big Horn.

Maxine: Yeah and where’s George Armstrong Custer now? He’s dead, Zach. Six feet under.

Zach: Give it a chance. (stands up) Alright, Gunn! You’ve driven me crazy for the last time! Now come out and give yourself up!

Bart Gunn shoots the last round of his gun through the window. Bullets whiz pass Zach’s head and he quickly gets down.

Zach: I’ve learned a valuable lesson from this.

Max: That diversionary tactic G-29 doesn’t work?

Zach: No, but that’s helpful, too. No, I learned that Gen. George Armstrong Custer was a very stupid man for even thinking UP diversionary tactic G-29.

Maxine: Hey listen! (they stop and listen) I think Gunn’s gone.

Everyone stands up with caution and check outside. Indeed, Bart Gunn has fled the premises.

Zach: Well, we’re not stopping there. We’re going to get four horses and we’re going to find Bart Gunn.

99: But Zach, Bart Gunn could be miles away from here by now. There’s no telling where he could have gone.

Zach: Well, I plan to find out. No one shoots at Zachary Smart and then gets away with it. Bart Gunn has just sealed his fate when he shot at me.

Maxine: Or you’ve just sealed yours by going after him.

Zach: (annoyed) Maxine, if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all. I have a way we can find him.

The scene shifts to a big open field, with grass and thousands of sheep. The Smarts get off their horses and start to walk towards the area where the sheep are. They notice that this is a ranch and they came to a large wooden fence keeping the sheep in. The Smarts look around hoping to see Agent 22, but aren’t having much luck.

Zach: Dad, are you sure 22’s out here?

Max: This is where I sent him. Maybe he’s inside that house over there. I told him he had to be hired at something so that no one would get suspicious.

As they continue to look around, out of the corner of his eye, Zach sees something white by a nearby shed. He turns to look and sees a very wooly sheep standing there and trying to motion him over. Zach turns away for a minute, making sure that what he saw was what he actually saw, then turns back towards the shed. As Max walks over to him, Zach taps him on the shoulder.

Zach: Dad.

Max: (still looking) Yeah, Zach.

Zach: Do sheep talk?

Max: (concerned) Zach, perhaps you need to see the CONTROL psychiatrist. Maybe your nerves are a little shot.

Zach: No, really, I’m serious.

Max: Off hand, I would say no. Unless of course sheep have something to say.

Zach: Well, this sheep by the shed keeps pointing to me and wants me to go over there.

Max: (turning and sees sheep) Perhaps we both need to go see the CONTROL psychiatrist.

99: Why you guys just standing there? (walks over with Maxine and they too see the sheep, who is now FRANTICALLY trying to get their attention) Just to clarify, we all see a talking sheep, right? (everyone nods)

Maxine: Perhaps it’s 22 trying to tell us something.

Zach: Okay, I think we should go over, but if this is a real sheep and this gets back to CONTROL, we’re all going to the loony bin.

The four walk over to the sheep and discover it really IS Agent 22 in disguise.

22: What took you so long to get here? My arms are tired from trying to get your attention.

Max: Well, you have to admit, 22, a standing, talking sheep isn’t really standard place.

22: Sorry, Chief, but this was the only way I could talk to you without being discovered.

99: As a talking sheep?

22: Well, I don’t normally talk. All the ranch hand and sheep herder spots were taken, so I had to choose something. And believe me, this is NOT one of my fun-est missions. I’m itchy, I’m tired, I’m sweaty, and worst of all….(sniffs) my fiancée left me.

Maxine: 22, I’m so sorry!

Zach: Wait a minute, 22, you’re not engaged! You’ve never been engaged!

22: Shows what you know, Smart! I met someone while I was here. Oh, she was gorgeous. Beautiful eyes, cute little button nose, soft and cuddly wool. (Smarts look at each other) She was everything a sheep could want in a girl. We romped and played and I finally popped the question. Everything was fine until today. I saw her in the hoofs of another man! (starts to cry)

99: (patting him on shoulder) There, there, 22.

22: I mean, why would she do this to me? I seem to be a perfectly, average guy. Your normal, everyday American citizen. Why wouldn’t she go for me?

Zach: (annoyed) 22, get over it. She wasn’t your type anyway.

22: I’ve never been hurt like this before.

Max: (annoyed) Forget her, 22!

22: That’s easy for you to say! You’ve got a wife and kids! Me, I’m just a lonely spy.

Maxine: 22, you’ve really got to get a grip on yourself. No sheep is worth it if it means you get down on yourself like this.

22: (sniffs) Really?

99: She’s right, 22. Just think, you’ll be a better sheep for losing her. (Max and Zach look at her.) (shrugs)

Zach: (annoyed still) 22, besides falling in love with a sheep, what have you been doing?

22: I’ve been staking out the place. You know, you and that whole Bart Gunn thing is the talk around here.

Zach: I thought it would be.

22: Oh yeah. You have become the latest thorn in Bart Gunn’s side and he’s not very happy about it.

Zach: How do you think I feel about it? Tonight was the second time he’s tried to kill me!

22: Well, I know this for fact. There’s only one way Bart Gunn is going to settle this.

Maxine: You mean….

22: Right.(looks at Zach) A shoot out.

99: Zach, what’re you going to do?

Zach: (looks at 22) A shoot out, huh? (looks out into the open wild) Well, Bart Gunn’s got it.

Max, Maxine, & 99: What!

Zach: You see, Zachary Smart is going to challenge that idiot Gunn and I’m going to win. Know why? Because I’m a CONTROL agent and a Smart. Nothing is going to deter me from taking Bart Gunn into custody tomorrow at high noon.

99: Zach, Bart Gunn once used as man for target practice while he was still alive.

Zach: (alarmed) Really? (99 nods)(calms down) No. Now we came down here to arrest Bart Gunn and tomorrow that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

22: You’re a brave man, Agent 78.

Zach: Thank you, 22.

22: Can I have your parking space when you’re gone? (evil look from Zach)





SETTING: The Gold Saloon the next day. The Smarts sat at a table playing cards, awaiting the entrance of Bart Gunn. Zach had told 22 the night before to pass it along that he would have a show down with Gunn at high noon in front of the Gold Saloon. As noisy as it was inside, it quickly went silent as Bart Gunn walked in.

Gunn: Smart! (Zach turns from his cards) I done hear you want a show down with me.

Zach: (turning back around) I must commend you on your verbal skills. I just hope your shooting isn’t as….annoying.

Gunn: (walking over to table) Stand up and say that to my face!

Zach: (stands) You’re a huge, stupid, unskilled, un-courteous wretch of a man and at high noon today, I’m going to put six bullets into your fat body.

Gunn just stands there, fuming. Zach turns to grin at his parents and sister. As he turns back around, Gunn punches Zach, sending him back to land on the table, causing it to break and fall on the floor.

Gunn: Be outside at 12 noon, Smart! (turns and leaves)

Max helps Zach, who is just a little stunned.

Zach: It was the unskilled crack, wasn’t it?

99: Zach, you can’t go out there and face Gunn!

Zach: Mom, I have to. If someone doesn’t stop Gunn and his evil KAOS deeds, he could literally hold a gun on Washington. (Gunn walks back in)

Gunn: Well, Smart?

Zach: (confused) Well what?

Gunn: Are we gonna have a shoot out or not?

Zach: you said 12 noon! It’s only 11am!

Gunn: (calmly) ‘Fraid not. You see, it’s daylight savings time. You know, an hour ahead in the fall, an hour behind in the spring. It’s noon right now as we speak. (Zach is stunned) I’m gonna give you ‘til the count of five and if you ain’t outside, I’ll come in and kill you here.(leaves again. Counting can be heard from outside)

Zach, with a look of determination on his face, walks out and goes down the middle of the street on the count of three.

Gunn: Four!

Zach: Will you be quiet!

Gunn: On the count of three, draw and shoot! (placing his hand over his gun) One!

Zach: (reaching for his gun) I don’t suppose we could sit down and talk about this?

Gunn: No. Two!

Zach: I don’t think you got enough hugs as a child.

Gunn: Shut up, Smart and draw! Three!

The two men pulled their guns at the same time, but Zach hit Gunn first in the chest, causing Gunn to fly backwards. This resulted in Gunn’s gun going off and hitting Zach in the shoulder and causing him to fall also. When the smoke cleared, Bart Gunn lay on the ground, bleeding and Zach on his knees, clutching his shoulder. Max, 99, and Maxine rushed to Zach to check on him.

Maxine: Zach, you did it!

Zach: (wincing in pain) Naturally. I can’t wait for the sheriff to come and take Gunn to jail. That’s where he should be when I send him the bill.

Max: What bill?

Zach: The bill for this suit! This is a brand new suit! He’s gotta pay for dry cleaning! And not to mention this huge hole he’s put into it! Then there’re the doctor bills. Man, KAOS is gonna have a huge lawsuit on their hands.


***********COMMERCIAL BREAK***********



SETTING: CONTROL headquarters. In the Chief’s office, Max and Maxine are sitting down by Max’s desk, when Zach and 66 come in. Zach’s arm is in a sling with words and signatures on it.

Zach: Morning Dad. Morning Max.

Maxine: Hey Zach! Good to see you back.

Max: How’s the arm, Zach?

Zach: Much better. (showing sling) I even got some of the guys to sign it.

Max: Well, the Pentagon bills were recovered and sent back to the Pentagon.

Maxine: KAOS had stolen the bills to pay off Bart Gunn for signing on. All the bills were found at his hide-out. He’s now sitting comfortably in jail and awaiting that very large bill you sent him.

Zach: Good. I paid good money for that suit. What about Sanchez? The guy from International CONTROL?

Max: Well, apparently, he was with International CONTROL, but he knew little things about Bart Gunn and went after him by himself. That’s why he made up that story about the map and not wanting to search the room because he wanted to be able to find something on Gunn himself.

Zach: Unfortunately for him, Gunn got the drop on him. Literally.

66: How’s Agent 22, Chief?

Max: I had him see the CONTROL psychiatrist for a couple of weeks, you know. Help him get over that sheep thing. I’m gonna put him on a desk job for awhile, just to get his mind on other things. Like his job.

Zach: Well, Pop, even I have to admit that 22’s a really good agent. Even though he’s annoying, obnoxious, demanding, a cry baby….

66: Everyone has their little faults, Zach.

Zach: Well, at least 22’s in counseling.

Max, 66, and Maxine look at each other.

Max: Um…Zach, about that….you see, I think maybe you should see the CONTROL psychiatrist also. You know, just for a couple of days….

Zach: What! Dad, I am with EVERY bit in my right mind! 22 was the one engaged to a sheep!

Max: Zach, I’m not saying you’re not totally….

Zach: I’m up for Agent of the Year, you know! How is this going to look on my record?

Max: Zach, all I’m saying….

The theme music comes on as Zach and Max argue over whether Zach is competent.