The Hammer & Nails
LAST TIME ON GET SMART: Ex-con Mike “The Hammer” Slammer was released from jail and the first thing he was looking for was Zachary Smart.
Hammer turns and punches a wall. He removes his hand and an impression is left in the wall.
Hammer: When I’m done with him, his face will look like that wall.
On top of that, Chief Maxwell Smart had to contend with the evil organization of KAOS receiving their new code books through the prison system.
Maxine: Well, I found out that another KAOS code book is going through tonight. I’ve made sure there’re agents covering the prison.
Zach, not being one to sit on the sidelines, pleads with his father to let him do something productive at work.
Zach: Dad, I just can’t stay in my apartment all day! It’s driving me crazy! Let me do one productive thing here at work and I promise I’ll go home.
After blocking off the city so Hammer can’t get in or out, Max and 99 decide to watch Zach themselves. Within minutes, they’re visited by the Hammer.
Hammer: I might kill you, if I was so inclined.
After the Hammer leaves, Zach tries to stop him by blowing up his car, but instead gets Max’s car.
Zach: Sorry ‘bout that, Dad.
The next morning, Agent 66 decides to check on Zach and finds him gone.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!
SETTING: Zachary Smart’s apartment. Within minutes of 66 finding Zach not there, the Smarts and Parker are there looking for clues.
66: I can’t believe he would just leave like that! And how could I have not heard him?
Parker: [on phone] Uh-huh. [shaking his head] Great. Thanks a lot. [hangs up] [to everyone] We have the whole building surrounded and no one saw him leave.
Max: Of course. He probably took the secret agent’s entrance.
99: The secret agent’s entrance?
Max: Actually, the secret agent’s exit. You wouldn’t believe have many secret agents are in this building.
Maxine: [coming from upstairs] Well, I was upstairs in Zach’s room. His homing watch is on his computer desk, his shoes are in the closet, all except his sneakers, which he’s probably wearing. The ringer on his shoe phone is off. I tried calling on his sneaker phone, but it just keeps ringing. I think he’s got the ringer off that too. And [holding up a piece of paper] I found this.
99: What is it? [taking paper]
Maxine: Basically a note on how’s he’s going after the Hammer.
66: What! How is he supposed to find the Hammer if we don’t even know where he is?
Max: Wait a minute, 66. Wait a minute. Zach said the Hammer had called him the other night and said he was across the street in the hotel.
Maxine: Dad, do you think that if we go over there and ask, they might remember the Hammer?
Max: Maxine, let me just remind you that, officially, I’m in charge of this case.
Maxine: I know that.
Max: So, if you don’t mind. Now here’s my plan. We go across the street to the hotel, ask if the Hammer stayed there, and if he did, check his room.
99: Good thinking, Max.
They head out of Zach’s apartment.
SETTING: The Ridgebrook Hotel, across the street from the apartment complex of Zachary Smart. The Smarts, 66, and Parker were standing at the front desk, asking the manager if The Hammer had stayed there.
Manager: You say this government business?
Parker: Yes, sir. We have reason to believe a criminal might have stayed in this hotel during the last two days.
Manager: Well, from your description, I definitely think he stayed here. Um..let me see [looking in guestbook] Oh, yeah. Here it is. He signed under the name…Zachary Smart.
TS: Zachary Smart!
Manager: Yeah. [chuckling] What a goofy name, huh?
Max: (looking at manager) I happen to think that’s a wonderful name.
Parker: [in group huddle with the girls] Some nerve, huh? Stowing away in the hotel across the street and signing in as Zach.
Manager: [to Max] Oh come on! That’s the kookiest name I’ve ever heard.
99: Max, are you listening?
Max: Just a minute, 99. [to the manager] I happen to like that name.
Manager: Which one? Zachary or Smart?
Max: [annoyed] Both! They happen to be very manly names.
Maxine: Wherever Hammer is now, that’s where Zach is. But how are we supposed…[to Max] Dad, are you paying attention?
Manager: You must be kidding! Those names are the worst to call anyone!
Max went to hit the manager, but 99 stops him.
99: Thank you for your time, sir. [leaving with TS]
Outside, the gang tries to come up with a solution to their problem of finding Zach.
66: What’re we going to do? Without Zach’s homing watch, we’ll never find him.
Max: [snapping his fingers] Yes, we will.
99: Max, you have a plan.
Max: Kind of. Remember Zach saying he had his car completely boobytrapped so the Hammer couldn’t get to him? He must’ve been thinking of every precaution.
Parker: Which means he might’ve installed a tracking device to his car. Chief, that’s brilliant! All we have to do is go down to headquarters and start looking for him on the tracker.
Max: Right. I just hope we get to Zach before the Hammer does.
Meanwhile, Zach was driving through Washington looking for the Hammer. He stopped at just about every prison he knew of and asked if anyone knew where the Hammer might be. The answer was always the same.
Zach: [walking out to the car] The same thing every time. I’ll find you, Hammer, and when I do…
In Zach’s view was the old abandoned prison that was on top of this great hill. Something suddenly struck Zach like a lightening bolt.
Zach: Of course! [laughing]
Zach got in his car and started to drive to the old prison. From the prison, behind a telescope, the Hammer chuckled to himself.
Hammer: Come and get what’s yours, Smart.
SETTING: CONTROL headquarters. In the tracking room, Max, 66, and Parker watch as the agents are tracking down Zach and the Hammer.
Parker: Any luck, Henson?
Henson: Not yet, Austin. Smart must really far out of Washington.
Max: Keep trying, Henson. [Maxine comes in with a memo]
Maxine: Daddy, we’ve got problems. A new KAOS code book is going out, but we don’t know where.
Max: [sarcastically] Great! We have to stop those code books from getting to KAOS.
Parker: Chief, the guys in the lab and I have been going over the events of the KAOS code books and I think we have a pattern.
66: Parker, that’s great!
Parker: Come over here to the map and I’ll show you. [goes over to Washington map] Now, [pointing to a red pin] right here is where the first code book was sent out. If you notice, all the jails where the code books went out are all in a line of some sorts.
Maxine: Do you think KAOS is working out of a base?
Parker: Wouldn’t surprise me.
66: Then that means KAOS has been under our noses the whole time.
Max: [looking at map] Gang, look at this. All the lines of pins lead right to this spot. Isn’t that where the Washington prison is?
Maxine: It was. They moved it to a different place years ago.
Max: So that means it’s deserted.
66: Chief! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Max: No, I’m thinking what I’m thinking. What are you thinking?
66: If that prison is deserted, KAOS might be holding up in there.
Parker: That would explain how they could get the code books to those prisons. But how they’re doing it is what we need to know.
Max: Parker, stay here and call me if there’s any word on Zach. Girls, we need to go to the last three jails that the code books were sent out.
66: Why, Chief?
Max: I have a hunch. It might not work, so I’d like not to discuss it, but if it does, you’ll really like it when you hear it.
The three left and headed straight for the Adams Penitentiary. There, they talked to the warden.
Warden: Government business, huh, Mr. Smart?
Max: Yes, sir. I can’t really indulge in the details, but I’m sure we have you’re complete cooperation.
Warden: Of course. What is it you need to know?
Maxine: Well, sir, I’m sure you’re familiar with most of the inmates here. We were wondering if anyone has been acting strange lately or had a huge amount of visitors in the last week or so.
Warden: I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head. The inmates here are basically good guys, if you’ll excuse the irony. Nothing mysterious has been going on here. I over see everything that happens in this jail and a couple more down the way.
Max: Warden, do you mind if my colleagues and I had a few minutes in this office alone? To discuss our case. I’m sorry for kicking you out, but as you know, government business and all.
Warden: [getting up] Not at all, Mr. Smart. Whenever you’re ready, just tell the guard at the end of the hall. He’ll notify me. [leaves]
66: Why’d you make him go?
Max: Something occurred to me as he was talking. He mentioned that he oversees everything that takes place here and at some of the other jails.
Maxine: Do you think he’s the guy we’re after?
Max: Well, if so, how many jails is he in charge of and two, who’s in it with him?
66: Well, Chief, if your theory’s correct, we’ve nearly got this case solved.
Max: Not quite, 66. Mike Slammer fits into this somehow and when we find him, we find Zach and the how. [looking at picture above warden’s desk] Hey, girls, look at that goofy picture.
The girls look at the picture. It was basically a picture of the surrounding area and even had the whereabouts of the old jail on it.
66: There’s something odd about that picture.
66: I don’t know. It just gives me the creeps.
From behind the three, two figures approach them and hit them on the back of the head! An hour later, the three wake up in a dark dungeon. They were sitting in chairs and had handcuffs on their hands and feet.
Max: Girls, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think that warden is up to something.
SETTING: CONTROL headquarters, tracking room. Parker and 99 were in the tracking room, hoping for word on Zach. Within two hours, they were hoping for word on Max and the girls.
Parker: I don’t like it, Mrs. Smart. First Zach is missing and now the Chief and the girls.
99: How long since they left?
Parker: A little over two hours. I’m about this close to going out the prisons they went to, but I know I have to stay here.
99: Look, Parker, I’ll go.
Parker: No way, Mrs. Smart. I wouldn’t be a gentleman if I let you go out there by yourself. That and the fact the Chief would really hate me if I did. No, let’s give them another thirty minutes and we’ll both go and look.
Back in the dungeon, Max and the girls struggled to get free.
Max: Max, did you bring your skeleton keys with you?
Maxine: Sorry, Chief. They’re in my car. I’d get them, but…I seem to be tied up at the moment.
66: Chief, what are we going to do?
Max: First of all, don’t panic. There’s a reasonable way to get out of here. All we have to do is find it. [starts to look around] Ah ha!
66: You found something?
Max: Yes. Something really gross.
Maxine: Ew. Dad.
Max: It was on this back wall here and…hey, I think I did find something.
66: [sarcastically] What? Something crawly?
Max: Don’t be disgusting, 66. No, I think I might have found a nail.
Maxine: Well, how will that help?
Max: If it’s rusty enough, it might cut through these handcuffs.
Maxine: I highly doubt that, Dad.
66: Max, it can’t hurt to try it.
Max scooted his chair back against the wall and started to rub the handcuffs across it.
Maxine: Dad, I was just wondering about that hunch of yours…
Max: Not now, Max. I still have it and I still think it will work, but if I talk about it, it might not.
Maxine: But Dad, I think now would…
Max: It won’t work.
66: Chief, I’m sure if…
Max: I’m telling you, girls, stop asking! You’ll make me forget what it is I’m trying not to tell you. [pauses] Ah, that did it.
66: You broke free!
Max: No, I scratched my arm. Really badly. I think it’s bleeding.
Maxine: [looking around] There must be some way to get out of this. [thinking] Of course! My exacto-ring!
Max: Of course! Maxine, why didn’t you think of that earlier?
Maxine: I don’t know. It didn’t really occur to me until just now…
Max: I mean now that we have that, everything will great. Your exacto-ring. Brilliant, pure brilliance! [pauses] Maxine, just a question for you…um, what exactly IS an exacto-ring?
Maxine: Basically, there’s a small exacto-knife in the inside of this ring.
66: Max, how’s that going to help? We’re handcuffed. No knife can cut through handcuffs.
Maxine: Stainless steel knife can.
66: Not even that! Handcuffs use stainless steel as well.
Maxine: No they don’t.
66: They do too! That’s why it says stainless steel on the side of all handcuffs.
Maxine: Really? Well, it won’t hurt to try. [getting out knife, then stops] Hey! [smiling]
Max: What now?
Maxine: I brought the wrong ring!
66: [sarcastically] And that’s supposed to be comforting?
Maxine: Even better. I brought my skeleton
Max & 66: Your what?
Maxine: Basically it’s a ring with a secret compartment that holds my skeleton keys.
66: [in awe] [to Maxine] You’re like the pack rat of spydom.
Maxine: [smiling] Gee, thanks. That’s nice. [working on handcuffs] Ta-da! [holds up free hands]
Maxine quickly goes over and uncuffs 66 and Max. Then the three think of a plan to get out, but yet still get the warden.
66: What do we do now?
Max: Well, [looking at watch] we need to find Zach. That’s number one. Number two, we need to stop that code book from going out. Then we have to get the Hammer and this crooked warden. That’s number three, parts one and two.
Maxine: But Dad, there’s only three of us and that’s four different plans!
Max: Three. Plus two parts.
Maxine: Still. That means we’ll all have to split up.
Max: Not necessarily. This is my plan.
66: The one you’ve been hiding from us?
Max: Yes, but with some minor altercations. First, the three of us go back to the warden’s office and have him arrested. Then, Max, you’ll go and stop that code book from getting into KAOS’ s hands; 66 and I will call back at headquarters and have everyone meet at that abandoned prison, then…
66: [snapping her fingers] Of course!
Max: 66, I was talking!
66: Sorry, Chief.
Max: Now anyway, as I was saying…
Maxine: [to 66] Hey, how come you went “of course!” all of a sudden?
Maxine: Sorry, Dad.
Max: As I was again saying…
66: [to Maxine] Remember that picture in the warden’s office? Well, I think…
Max: [annoyed] Girls. I’m trying to tell you something! You’re not listening to me. That’s very rude.
Maxine: What was it you were saying, Dad?
Max: Well, never mind now! I’m so caught up into what 66 was saying, that I don’t remember what I was saying!
66: I’m sorry, Chief. Do you…want to hear what I was thinking?
Max: [annoyed] Go ahead.
66: Well…remember that picture that was hanging in the warden’s office? And how it showed the surrounding area? Well, this is what I noticed. Some of the prisons had little pins in them and they match
exactly to the ones Parker had in the map down at the lab.
Max: 66, I have a thought.
66: Yes, sir?
Max: That map in the warden’s office. Did it look strange to you?
66: Yes it did.
Max: Do you know why?
66: Well, yes, sir, I just…
Max: The reason that picture looked odd to me was the fact that there were miniature pins marking the surrounding prisons in the area.
Maxine: And are you thinking that perhaps the warden IS involved with KAOS?
Max: I am.
66: And, are you also thinking we should go upstairs and get him?
Max: Absolutely. Come on, girls. [heads up the stairs]
66: I’m glad your dad’s happy.
Maxine: Me, too. He gets so excited when he thinks he’s got a great plan. I ddin’t have the heart to tell him we thought of it first.
Max: [voice] Come on, girls!
The girls run up the stairs and soon catch up to Max. He’s standing in front of a door that seems to be the secret passage door in which they were taken. Through a small window, they see the warden, with his back turned towards them.
He seems to be looking at the map and is placing a pin somewhere. Max opens the door and the trio step through the office. Max leans against the picture, while the girls take the other side.
Max: [happily] [to warden] Hi!
Warden: [startled] [looking at Max] What the…?
Maxine: [with gun to warden] Don’t move.
66: Well, Mr. Warden, sir, it looks like you’ve been caught…[takes a red pin from the picture] red-handed.
Setting: The old abandoned Washington prison. As the camera gets a wide shot of the prison, we see a black firebird already parked there. Inside, Zach was on the bottom row of cells, gun drawn, and looking for Hammer. The place had an eerie grayish light feel to it, making it look foggy.
Zach looked around, then heard something fall to the ground from the second floor. He looks up, but sees no one, but looks around for the set of stairs leading up there. He finds them and runs up as fast as possible. Outside, the rest of TS are standing outside the door, trying to get in.
Parker: The door’s stuck. [trying to pull on door]
Max: [backing up] We’ll just have to break it down. Come on, Parker.
The two men back up from the door. As they do this, 99 takes a closer look at the door.
99: Hey, Max…
Max can’t hear her because he’s starting the countdown.
Max: [to Parker] On three. Ready? One…
99: Max, I think you should look at this door.
66: Hey, if you turn the knob and push on it…
The boys came running full force through the door, that had already been opened by 66. After tripping over the front step, they both landed hard on the floor.
66: [to both] Sorry bout that.
Maxine: [helping Parker to his ft.] [looking around] This place already gives me the creeps.
99: [calling] Zach!
Zach: I’m up here.
The group looked up and saw Zach above them on the second floor.
Max: What’re you doing up there?
Zach: The Hammer’s definitely here somewhere, but that’s beside the point.
Slowly a figure behind Zach emerged from the shadows.
Zach: Come up here. I have to show you something.
66: [seeing figure emerge] Zach, look out!
As Zach turned around, he was instantly punched by the Hammer.
Hammer: Long time no see, huh Smart?
The Hammer lunged for Zach’s throat and started to choke him. With all his force, Hammer tried to push Zach over the railing. The gang below quickly went into action, but were soon cut off by the sound of gunfire. The second floor had men on the far side, shooting at our favorite spy team.
TS quickly took cover and a huge gun battle began, while Zach and Hammer fought from the second floor. The Hammer’s colossal strength was very quickly wearing Zach out. Zach got a few good punches in, only to be knocked to the floor by Hammer, who soon picked up a wooden stick and swung at Zach.
Zach ducked and hit the Hammer in the stomach. The Hammer buckled, but still was able to hit Zach in the side, causing him to fall to the floor in pain.
Hammer: You’re going to die, Smart!
On the first floor, the gang of TS is still holding on against the other gunmen. They finally get the last gunman when they hear Hammer’s threat.
66: Oh no!
Suddenly, there’s a struggle between Hammer and Zach. Soon, the gang sees a body fly over the top railing.
The girls: Zach!
The body lands to the floor, limp.
Setting: The Washington prison. TS had just gotten rid of a couple of gunmen on the second floor, while Mike “the Hammer” Slammer and Zach fought on the second floor as well. A body had just went over the second floor railing and had landed on the floor below.
66: [crying] Zach…no.
Zach: What’s all the sadness about?
Zach had come down from the stairs and was standing over the body of Mike Slammer.
66: [running over] [hugs him] Oh, Zach! You’re alright!
Zach: [wincing in pain] Ow! No, I am not alright. I’ve got to get home.
Zach: I need to put ice on my eye. And my ribs. And my back. And my legs.
The group walks out of the prison, with Zach still naming thins he needs ice for.
Zach: [in background] And that muscle in my arm. And my nose. And my lip. I think he split my lip…
THE END CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!