The Many Loves of Zachary Smart
Setting: CONTROL headquarters. In the office of Chief Maxwell Smart. Max and his wife, Agent 99 are going over a couple of documents when their son, Zachary, Agent 78, walks in through the automatic doors.
Zach: [to Max] Dad, I…[surprised to see 99] Oh, Mom, hi. I’m glad you’re both here. There’s something I have to tell you.
99: Well, what is it, Zach?
Max: Zach, I hate to interrupt you, but I have a memo from you on my desk. Is that really important?
Zach: Actually, Pop, it is. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, I’ve been seeing someone recently and…well, they wanted to know if I could be free for the weekend, if possible.
Max: [smiling] Well, Zach, if you want the weekend off, that’s fine. You didn’t have to ask. I hope you and…your friend have a good time.
Zach: There’s more. [pause] In fact, it’s about that memo on your desk. You see, Dad…Amanda and I…that’s who I’m seeing…well…I really do like her a lot and…well, Pop, I just think that any girl, period, should have a husband who’s there for them and doesn’t have to look death in the eye everyday and…well…
99: [concerned] What is it you’re trying to say, Zach?
Zach: Well…that memo, Dad, is my resignation. I’ve already sent a copy to the president and to the head office of spy intelligence. As of this morning, I’m no longer a CONTROL agent.
Max: [hurt] What?
Zach: I’m sorry, Pop, but…that’s the way things have to be. Which brings me to my other set of news.
Max: There’s more?
Zach: Well, yes, sir. You see, a couple of days ago…
Zach is interrupted by the entrance of Agent 66, who walks in through the secret entrance to the lab in Max’s office. She’s in a very good mood and the moment she spots Zach, a huge smile comes over her face.
66: [to Zach] There you are. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Take a look at these. [holds up to tickets] Front row, center. It took me a while and I had to use some connections, but I got ‘em. Two tickets to JazzFest this weekend.
Zach: [looks at 66, then at parents, then floor] I can’t go.
66: You what?
Zach: I can’t go.
66: [laughs] Stop joking, Smart. It took me three months to get these tickets. Oh. You’re going.
Zach: [annoyed] 66, I can’t. I’m busy this weekend.
66: What? What could you possibly be doing? What is all fired up and so important you have to miss JazzFest?
Zach: [hesitant. Looks at 66 and parents] I’m getting married this weekend.
Max: Oh, well that explains…
Trio: [shocked] YOU’RE WHAT?!
66: You’re joking, right? [to Max & 99] He’s joking. Your son’s a comedian. He’s joking. He’s not getting married. [to Zach] Are you? [no answer] [Zach looks away] [hurt] Oh.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!
Setting: CONTROL headquarters, later that day. In Max’s office stood Maxine Smart and Dr. Austin Parker, while Max was at his desk, reading over a file, but was clearly distracted.
Max: [to Maxine and Parker] Have the two of you seen Agent 66 lately?
Maxine: She’s been downstairs at the shooting range since early this morning.
Parker: Chief, are you sure Zach is serious about this? For as long as I’ve known him, he’s loved being a spy. There’s something more to this than meets the eye.
Maxine: Of course there is! And it’s spelled T-R-A-C-I-E.
Max: Look, let’s not talk about it, okay? Zachary’s an intelligent, bright young man. He’s old enough to make his own decisions and if this is one of them, we just have to accept it.
Max: He’s COMPLETELY lost his mind. But enough about that. Let’s get down to business, okay? Have you guys seen this file? [handing file to Maxine]
Maxine: [flipping through folder] Oh yeah, on the KAOS diamond smuggling. We still don’t have anything on that?
Max: Well, we do know the diamonds are coming in from the KAOS factory in Buenos Aires, South America…
Parker: The fatherland.
Max: Right. We also know the diamonds are being shipped to Atlantic City. After that, we’re clueless.
Maxine: Hey, Dad, maybe we can check that out this weekend. Zach did invite us to the wedding.
Parker: [surprised] He’s getting married this weekend? In Atlantic City?
Maxine: [rolling eyes] That’s where Amanda usually lives.
Max: [sarcastically] Apparently, Amanda has a business trip and can’t wait until next week, which is still too soon to be getting married. This is breaking your mother’s heart.
Maxine: Well, Daddy, if we’re going to check out this lead, as small as it may be, we need to go to Atlantic City this weekend.
Max: I know, I know. [going over to the phone] [on phone] Switch me downstairs to the shooting range. [pause] Hello, Johnson? It’s the Chief. Say, is Agent 66 still down there? [pause] She is? Tell her to get up here in my office right away. Thanks. [hangs up] [to Maxine] Well, Max, with your brother no longer a CONTROL agent, I guess that puts you…
Just then Agent 22 bursts through the door and sits down at the desk.
Max: [surprised and annoyed] Aren’t you supposed to be on a case?
22: I was and I wrapped it up quickly when I heard the news.
Parker: What news?
22: About Agent 78’s wedding and how he’s no longer an active CONTROL agent.
Maxine: [annoyed] And what’s this to you, 22?
22: It just so happens, Chief, that in order of seniority, I move up the golden ladder. And…[looking around] as rumors have it, Agent 66 is totally devastated by it and as other rumors
have it, she might just tap out, throw in the towel, if you know what I mean.
Max: [annoyed] And still, 22, what does this have to do with you?
22: Well, with 66 gone, I move up yet another rung of the ladder. But it also means that you’re two members short out of TS. [everyone is totally annoyed with 22] So I said to myself, “what a golden opportunity.” Not to brag, Chief, but I actually got higher scores during spy school than Zach, but I didn’t say anything. You know, boss’s son and all, but now I think the time…
Max: [angrily & annoyed] 22, I’ll give you two seconds to get out of my office before I kill you.
22: [pause] So, I should give you some time to think about this?
Max: 22, GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!
22: [getting out of chair] [starts to leave, but stops] Oh, Chief, there was something else I wanted to tell you.
Parker: [angry] This better be important.
22: [to Parker] [annoyed] It’s important. [to Max] Agent 75 called and said he had some information on that KAOS diamond thing, but he hung up before he could tell us, but a note arrived from him. It’s downstairs in the lab.
Max: [sarcastically] Thank you, 22. That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said.
22: [smiling] Today?
Max: Ever. [dirty look from 22, then he leaves]
As 22 leaves, 66 passes him to go through the door.
22: [happily] Afternoon, 66.
66: [annoyed] Bite me. [22 leaves] [to Max] You wanted to see me, Chief?
Max: Tracie, I need you for a case.
66: Chief, I’d rather not do a case this weekend. If fact, I’m thinking about starting my vacation.
Max: That’s perfect! Max and I were just talking about taking a vacation too. To Atlantic City, wanna come?
66: Atlantic City?
Maxine: To be perfectly honest, Trace, we’ve traced the KAOS smuggling ring to Atlantic City and we need to check it out.
66: [to Max] Chief, are you sure you really need me for this case?
Max: Well, 66, to be really perfectly honest, Max, 99, and I are going to Atlantic City for another reason other than this KAOS plot and I really do need an agent on this case. And as the circumstances indicate, Max is the new head agent, with you in second. By the way, 66, you’re not planning on leaving, are you?
66: You mean CONTROL? Of course not. I’m not as shallow as some people.
Maxine: Great. Then it’s settled. [to Max] Chief, do you want the three of us to check out that letter 75 left?
Max: Please do and make sure you tell me what it says as well.
The three leave and go downstairs to the lab. Parker asks around and they soon find the letter is in the communications room next door.
Parker: [walking through door] It’s just like the communications lab not to tell us anything. [taking paper from man]
Maxine: [reading] It says he might have a suspect in the smuggling and that the next smuggling job is Saturday.
Parker: Hey, isn’t that when your brother’s…[looks at 66] Never mind.
66: What, Parker?
Parker: Nothing. Never mind. Not important.
66: No, Parker, what was it you were going to say?
Maxine: 66, it doesn’t matter. We have to tell Dad what we found.
66: But we didn’t find anything! Everything in that letter is what we already knew.
Maxine: [showing note to 66] What we didn’t know is that Hans Spiegel was involved. [leaves]
66: [following Maxine] Hans Spiegel? International jewel thief Hans Spiegel?
Maxine: One in the same.
Parker: How did we know that?
Maxine: Don’t you guys ever read PS’s?
The three walk back into Max’s office and see that 99 is there on the phone.
99: [on phone] Zachary…[pause] That’s crazy! You can’t do it this weekend! [pause] You’re breaking your father’s heart, you know. Look, Zach…[pause] At least talk to me. You know exactly “about what”, young man! [pause] Dinner’s fine. Fine, seven o’clock’s fine. Alright. Bye. [hangs up]
Parker: Was that…?
99: [annoyed] Yes. Do you know he’s getting married this weekend?
66: This weekend? [thinking] Where? [looks at Maxine]
99: Atlantic City, of all places!
66: [angry] That’s why the Chief wants me in Atlantic City! Well, I won’t do it! I’m not going to Zach’s wedding.
Maxine: You don’t have to! Tracie, I’m senior agent on the case, but I can’t search for clues and not go to my brother’s wedding…no matter how dumb and juvenile it may be.
Max enters from the lab door, reading a piece of paper.
66: [to Max] Chief, I won’t do this case.
Max: What? Why?
66: This is just something to get me to go to Zach’s wedding.
Max: 66, I don’t even want to go to Zach’s wedding.
Max: Well, I don’t! This wedding’s stupid, but Zachary, being the intelligent young man that he is, knows what he’s doing. However crazy it may be. Anyways, 66, you have to do this case.
Parker: Listen, Chief, how bout I do it? 66 could stay here and I go with you.
Max: You can’t, Parker. I need you in the lab for an experiment I’m going to try. [Parker opens his mouth to say something] [interrupts] But don’t ask me about it cause I’ll lose the train of thought that I have and the plan won’t work. [to 66] Tracie, please, you have to do this. We’ll be there, just when the wedding starts, it’ll be just you. Please, Tracie.
66: Fine. But I refuse to talk to…you-know-who. I’m mad at him. Just taking off like that and getting married! I mean…[very dramatic] really!
Max: [to 99] I think she’s taking it well.
Setting: Atlantic City. Bright lights and the like are all around. In the casino of Joker’s Wild, people were milling around and gambling. In one of the back rooms, a loving couple stand in the middle of the room, kissing. The setting was very romantic, dimmed lights, champagne, romantic music. The couple split and we see that it’s Zach and his fiancée, Amanda.
Amanda: Mmm, Zachary. I can’t believe we’re getting married this weekend.
Zach: Either can I. I hope it’s alright if my parents are here. They were a little upset about this.
Amanda: Of course, Zachary! I want ALL your family and friends to see our blessed day. [goes over to get champagne bottle] Tell me, Zachary, why were your parents so against this?
Zach: Well, they’re not necessarily against it, per say. I think it’s just the fact that they had someone else in mind that I would marry some day.
Amanda: Oh? Former girlfriend?
Zach: I wouldn’t call her that, but I’m sure that’s who they wanted. That’s who I wanted for a while, too.[pauses] [looks at Amanda] But now I have you, my darling. [clinks glass with hers] And I will definitely be happy when you become Mrs. Zachary Smart on Saturday.
Amanda: [smiling] Well, I hope that I make a very good wife.
Just then, the phone rings and Amanda picks it up.
Amanda: [to Zach] When duty calls…[picks up phone] [on phone] Hello. Really? [pause] Good job, Jimmy. I’ll be there in a second. [hangs up] [to Zach] Zachary, sweetheart, I’ve got to go. I have to pick up something from one of my employees, but I want you to go to the casino. Play something and win lots of money, honey. [smiling]
Zach: Alright. Hurry back, darling. [kisses her]
The two leave the office, with Zach going towards the casino and Amanda going out the back door. Outside of the casino, are the Smarts and Agent 66.
66: Why are we here?
Maxine: The last confirmed messages from Agent 75 came from here.
99: What was the message?
Max: He said there was a lot of KAOS activity in this casino. I think maybe we should talk to the manager.
Maxine: Dad, I’m senior agent on this case and well, I have a plan that might work if you’d like to hear it cause I think I know what I’m doing.
Max: Okay. What is it?
Maxine: Well, from the information we received from 75’s note, I think the first place to start is talk with the manager. [confused look on her face]
Max: That’s a good plan, Max. Why do you have that look on your face?
Maxine: I think I just had some weird de ja vu thing.
The four enter the casino and ask the bouncer for the manager or owner of the casino. The bouncer showed
them to an office and told them to wait there while the owner, Ms. Sheers, would see them shortly.
Maxine: Something wrong, Trace?
66: Yeah, that name. I’ve heard it before and I’m not sure where.
Maxine: Look, while we’re here, let’s think of a plan. We have to search for clues and what not, but still be inconspicuous as our motives indicate because it’s important that we’re not seen, but yet seen by agent 75, if he’s still here. [strange look on her face]
99: Something wrong, Max?
Maxine: Did that make any sense to you? I mean, when I thought it, it made sense…but when I said it, it was totally confusing.
Max: I think it’s nerves, darling. You know your first big mission in charge without your brother.
Maxine: Strange as that sounds, that makes sense.
The four waited for another couple of minutes when Amanda Sheers finally came into the office.
Amanda: Pardon me, for being late, but I just got some excellent news that I had to take care of. Now, what seems to be troubling you.
Max: Well, Ms. Sheers, you see…
Maxine: [to Max] I’ll handle it, Dad. [to Amanda] You see, Ms. Sheers, a friend of ours came here for a vacation, but hasn’t come home yet and we’re a tad bit afraid something’s happened to him. He was last seen in your casino.
Amanda: Well, that is very disturbing. I try to converse with a lot of my customers, but unfortunately some times I talked to too many and I don’t know who’s who anymore. Perhaps if you have a picture or could describe him.
Maxine: I have a picture. [searching for picture] Somewhere. [still searching] It’s around here somewhere.
As Maxine searches for the picture, there’s a knock at the door and Zach enters part way.
Zach: Amanda, darling…[sees people in chairs] Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn’t know you had company.
Amanda: Actually, you’re right on time. [to the Smarts and 66] Let me introduce you to my fiancée.
Everyone, except for Amanda, is equally surprised to see one another, but they play it off to make things look good in front of Speers.
Amanda: Zachary, these are the…oh my! I don’t believe I caught your names.
Max: [calm] It’s Bunny. Vander Bunny.
99: Rhymes with money.
Amanda: Well, Vander Bunnies, meet my future husband, Zachary Smart.
Zach: Pleased to meet you.
Amanda: [gushing] Isn’t he dreamy? I gotta go. I’ll check on that friend of yours and have my guys look out for anyone. If you find that picture, give it to Zachy. Ciao! [leaves]
Max: Well, this is very professional.
Zach: What’re you guys doing here?
66: Some of us are here to work. Others [glancing at the Smarts] are here to see a wedding. I’m here to work.
Max: If it matters to you, Zachary, your mother, sister and I are here for your wedding. A wedding in which we don’t approve of, mind you, in case you ever care to listen to a word we say anymore.
Zach: [looks at Max] [to 66] What’re you working on?
66: Sorry, but that’s for me to know and for you to rot in your infested little love hole with your fiancé.
Zach: [annoyed] You know…
Max: Hold it! [stopping a fight from ensuing] Listen, Zachary, right now your wedding is second place compared to why we’re here. Now this is important. You haven’t seen Agent 72 around, have you?
Zach: Here? No, why?
66: As a civilian, you are not privy to that information.
Zach: [annoyed] You know…
Max: [looking at 66] Stop it. [to Zach] Technically, Zachary, she’s correct. I can’t tell you what’s going on, but just know this casino is under heavy surveillance.
Zach: What for? Because Tracie spearheaded a search party?
66: [annoyed] Alright, that’s it!
Max: [annoyed as well] Both of you, stop instigating! [to Zach] Now, listen. Agent 72 is missing and he was last seen here, now have you seen him?
Zach: [glances at 66] [to Max] No, Pop, I haven’t. What was he doing here, anyway?
66: What part of not privy to such information can you not understand?
Max: [to both] What part of stop it can you not understand? [to Zach] You have a wedding to plan, but keep your eyes open for 72. If you find something, you bring it to me or your sister first, got it?
Zach: Yes, sir. [glancing at 66] [to Max] By the way, there’s a reception tonight for Amanda and me if you’re not busy to come.
Max: That’s perfect. Your mother and I will go.
66: I don’t get to go to the reception?
Max: [Zach opens his mouth to say something, but is stopped by Max] No. No you don’t. You’re here to look for clues. In fact, you and Max are here to look for clues.
Maxine: [annoyed] Thanks a lot, Dad. Maybe I wanted to go.
Max: No you didn’t, so don’t lie about it. Saturday, he’s family. Tonight, he’s not.
Zach: Now, wait a minute, Pop. This is my reception, I think I should be able to invite who I want to it.
Max: Maybe if you were still a CONTROL agent, I could say that, but with leaving me to find other agents to take over your case…
Everyone starts to argue loudly, until 99 gets everyone to stop.
99: Wait a minute. Now everyone just calm down. There are two important things going on this weekend. A wedding and a diamond smuggling operation. [to Zach] Right now, Zachary, that diamond smuggling ring and the disappearance of a government agent in your fiancée’s establishment is much more important then your quickie wedding. [to Maxine] Now, Max, you and 66 are looking for clues tonight. Enough said. [to Zach] Your father and I will go to the reception. Is that understood?
Zach: Yes, ma’am.
Maxine: Yes, Mom.
Max: [look from 99] I totally agree with you. No argument here.
99: Good. I’m glad I made my point.
Max: Max, you and 66 start looking everywhere in this casino. [to Zach] I’m sure your brother will be very accommodating.
Zach: [upset, but compliant] Of course. [to Max and 99] The reception’s in about another two hours. [to girls] Come on, girls, I’ll show you around.
Zach showed the girls about half of the casino before he had to get ready for his reception. After he left, 66 made no attempt to hide her anger.
66: Can you believe he’s getting married? A quickie wedding. As long as I’ve known Zach, he would’ve never wanted a quickie wedding. Oh, boy, Max, this lady has your brother wrapped around her little finger.
Maxine: [annoyed] Are you going to talk my ear off all night? [look from 66] I know you’re upset, Trace, but come on. We’re supposed to be looking for clues.
66: [sarcastically] A fine friend you are. You don’t even care. And if you want to talk about clues, I suggest we check Miss Amanda’s office.
Maxine: For the first time tonight, that’s the first decent idea you’ve had.
The two find Amanda’s office, just to find it locked. Maxine listened at the door and could hear voices.
Maxine: [to 66] There’s definitely someone in there.
66: Take a listen then.
Maxine: Here, give me your listening device.
66 handed her a small putty with a wire coming from it. Max placed the putty on the door and gave 66
an earphone and listened in with hers. Inside:
Amanda: Well? How’s the moving going?
Man: Great, Ms. Shears. A couple more shipments and the diamonds will be off to Brazil in another day or two.
Man: Tell me, how do you plan to hide this from your…future husband?
Amanda: I’ll take of him like I take care of all my men. With…a little persuasion, Zachary Smart will do whatever I want him to.
Setting: The Joker’s Wild Casino. Maxine and 66 were at the door of Amanda Shears office, listening in to a conversation.
66: Did you hear that?
Maxine: Sure did. Let’s get out of here and tell Dad.
The two women left and went to find Max and 99 at the wedding reception. The reception itself was a very large indeed. A long table with a white tablecloth was in the back of the room, with decorations and such. There had to be at least 100 people in the room, including Max, 99, and Zach. The girls quickly found them at the back of the room with the long table.
99: Zachary, you must be crazy! You’re getting married tonight!?
Zach: Mom, Amanda’s a very busy woman. And you know…I don’t mind. It’ll put a little adventure in my life.
Max: [annoyed] Zachary, you’re a former spy. Are you telling me you didn’t get any adventure from that?
99: Zach, we know what this is about.
Zach: If you say Agent 66, you’re completely wrong. [looks from Max and 99] Now, I’ll be the first to admit, I had a crush on Tracie for the longest time, but that was just it. A crush, an infatuation. It’s like that time I had a crush on my third grade teacher, but I notice you’re not bringing her up! Look, can’t you guys just except the fact that I’m in love with someone else?
Max & 99: No.
Just then, the girl rushed up.
Maxine: Dad, we’ve found a clue. A really big clue.
66: [to Zach] Oh, you think you’re fiancée’s so virtuous, so wonderful…just wait to you hear this!
Zach: [annoyed] Can we talk about this somewhere else? [looks @ 66] I have a feeling we’ll get a lot more things settled.
66: So do I.
The group quickly went into Amanda’s office, which was now opened and unoccupied. As soon as they got in, Zach and 66 got in to it, finally being separated to opposite sides of the room.
Maxine: [to Zach and 66] Are you two finished? [to Max] Dad, you won’t believe what we found out. Amanda’s running the diamond smuggling operation.
Zach: Oh come on! Et tu, baby sister? Maxi, I didn’t think you’d stoop this low.
Maxine: It’s the truth, Zach. Both 66 and I heard her, from this room.
Max: What did she say?
Maxine: There was someone else in with her, but basically they only have a couple more shipments of diamonds to load and they’re going out to Brazil in two days.
Max: Brazil? Huh, I didn’t count on that.
Zach: Wait a minute, gang, wait a minute! This is crazy! If my fiancée WAS smuggling diamonds out of the country, I think I’d notice.
66: Face it, Zach. Not only is your fiancée a liar, a probable cheat, but she’s also a…
66’s hand hit the desk and also a hidden button. The button activated a small map to emerge behind a picture. The map was that of North and South America and had the KAOS emblem stamped on the front.
66: [shocked] KAOS agent?! [looks at everyone] I’ll admit I’m totally surprised cause KAOS agent was not what I was going to say next, but I guess this is a lot worse.
Max: [to Zach] A KAOS agent? You were going to marry a KAOS agent? Not while the name Smart is still connected to your first and middle name! Just think what kind of marriage that would be. No parent would allow a mixed marriage like that! A CONTROL agent marrying a KAOS age…what were you thinking?!
Zach: Technically Dad, I’m not a CONTROL agent anymore.
99: [annoyed] It’s the whole principal of the matter!
Maxine: You can sure pick ‘em, Zach.
Zach: Shut up! Now, look. There’s a reasonable explanation to all of this. I just wish I knew what it was. [thinking] No problem. We’ll clear this up with Amanda. Yeah. Yeah, that’s what we’ll do. In fact, she should be outside. Yeah, at the hanger. That’s where she keeps her helicopter.
66: Well, let’s go! [everyone leaves, except Zach]
Everyone ran outside, only to see the helicopter sitting there.
Maxine: Great. [looking around] She’s not here.
66: A KAOS agent. I can’t believe…[to Max] Your son was going to marry a KAOS agent! A deadly, KAOS kisser! [stops and thinks] Killer. A deadly KAOS killer.
Just then, Max’s shoe phone rings. He quickly answers it.
Max: [on phone] Hello. Oh, hi Parker.
Scene switches to CONTROL labs. Scenes switch back and forth.
Parker: Chief, what’s wrong?
Parker: Well, I’d love to hear about it, but you and your family are in great danger.
From behind the Smarts and 66, we see a figure holding a gun.
Max: You’re telling us. My son has just lost his mind.
Parker: I’m not joking, sir. I did a background check on the owner of the Joker’s Wild. Turns out Amanda Shears is KAOS jewel thief numbero uno.
Max: I thought Hans Spiegel was KAOS’ s number one jewel thief.
Amanda: He was. [Smarts, 66 turn around] Drop the phone, Smart. [Max drops phone]
99: So you do know who we are.
Amanda: I did a little background check. It also helps if you go rummaging through your fiancée’s luggage. [to 66] I thought he recognized you the moment you met in my office. No matter. You’re all going to die.
Maxine: Oh yeah, that’s swell. And how’re you going to explain that to Zach?
Amanda: Simple. Your little friend 71, 72, whatever he was, is going to kill you. I’ll just tell him he was the real culprit and a KAOS spy…
66: Zach already knows what you are, thank you.
Amanda: Zachary will believe anything I tell him. In fact, I could easily tell him the things he found in my office were planted by a certain jealous ex-girlfriend…[66 starts to go for her, but is stopped by Amanda] [points gun at 66] One more move, sweetheart, and it’ll be your last.
Zach: [from behind Amanda] Why’re all the gorgeous, sexy dames always trying to kill me and my family?
Amanda: [turns] Zachary!
Zach: Drop the gun, Amanda. [Amanda drops gun] Kick it over here. [gun is kicked]
66: Alright! [goes to pick up gun, but is stopped by Zach]
Zach: [points gun at 66] Hold it right there. [points gun at Amanda] So you thought you could pull the wool over Zachary Smart’s eyes, huh? Nah uh. Ain’t gonna happen. First, I want to know all about this diamond thing, second I want to know where Agent 72 is.
Amanda: Alright. You’ve caught me. KAOS was paying me a very nice sum to hold these diamonds for them and send them to Europe where International KAOS would pick them up and sell them on the black market. As for your 72 friend, he’s dead. I didn’t kill him, but he is dead.
66: Tell him what happened to Hans Spiegel!
Maxine: And how he’s your husband!
Max: [shocked] Hans Spiegel is your husband!?
Amanda: Was my husband. If you haven’t heard, he was in a slight accident recently.
66: Making you KAOS’ s number one jewel thief.
99: [shocked] You’re MARRIED?!
Max: [to Zach] You were going to marry a married woman?! [pause] Could we have a few minutes? Could we have a time out or something? Your mother and I need to sit down…and figure out how we’re going to kill you!
Zach: Relax, Pop. I was never going to marry her.
66: [excited] You weren’t?
Amanda: [sad] You weren’t?
Zach: No! I knew about her schemes. I was undercover. Incognito.
Max & 99: What?
Max: I never heard about that. Who gave you those orders?
Zach: The guy upstairs. The one who’s above you. It was supposed to be just finding 72, but then when he didn’t report in, I knew something was wrong.
Amanda: [pouting] You mean everything you said, everything we’ve meant to each other…was a ruse?
Zach: That’s right, baby. When you’re a spy, you learn to be a pathological liar. Something I’m sure you’re very used to. [pointing to doors behind them] So, if you’ll just go through those doors, some nice men would like to talk to you. [Amanda starts to leave, but is stopped by Zach]
Zach: One more thing before you go. I’d just like to ask for something.
Zach: My ring.
Zach: Come on, give it to me. That’s a very expensive ring, you know. It took me a week’s salary to buy that ring! [Amanda gives back ring and leaves]
Maxine: So, you…
Zach: Were undercover.
66: So, you’re really not getting married?
Zach: Please! The day Zachary Smart gets married, is the day the world stops revolving around me.
Maxine: Which will probably never happen.
Zach: Exactly. [to Max and 99] Mom, Dad, you’re not mad, are you? I mean, I had to do this.
Max: [calmly] Zachary…your mother and I love you very much. So much in fact that we can honestly say…don’t talk to us. Don’t talk to us for the rest of the weekend. This is to ensure that you live a healthy life and that you’ll be able to live to see your next birthday.
Zach: [nodding] Yes, sir.
Max: By the way, I want a report on this first thing Monday morning. 7am.
Zach: Seven o’clock in the morning?! [looks from Max and 99] I’ll be there. [Max and 99 leave] I think they’re handling this well.
Setting: The Joker’s Wild casino. It was late, very late and the casino only saw a couple of patrons. One just happened to be Zachary Smart. He was sitting at the Black Jack table, playing solitaire. He only looked up when someone joined him.
66: Mind if I play?
Zach: Yes. The name of the game is solitaire. It’s meant to be played by one person. If it was a two person game it would be called two people solitaire or solitaire for two.
66: Zachary, we need to talk.
Zach: About what?
66: You may have fooled your family into thinking that you were on an undercover case, but like you said. A spy is trained to be a pathological liar.
Zach: Well, I guess you do deserve the title of Spy of the Year.
66: Stay on subject. You know, your parents and sister are upstairs right now, trying to figure out how to kill you.
Zach: I’m surprised you’re not up there.
66: Because I know the score and I think now we’re either even or I owe you one.
Zach: What? You gonna get married to get back at me?
66: [looking around] I don’t know. A lot of attractive people here.
Zach: [annoyed] Are you going to tell me why you’re here or what?
66: I’m here to settle the score and find out some things for myself.
66: Like…like how you really feel about me.
Zach: [laughs] You’re treading ice, 66.
66: I think I’m entitled to an answer, 78!
Zach: [looks at 66] You know exactly how I feel about you.
66: No, I don’t. In fact, it seems as though everyone BUT me knows how you feel. In fact, this little incident would pretty much tell me that you don’t feel the way that I think you do. Or did. Do I get let in on the secret or what?
Zach: Tracie…if you REALLY know the score, then you know that I was engaged to a married, KAOS killer.
Who, at some point in time, would’ve had me killed as well. My parents are going to kill me. You may not admit it, but you’re angry with me. You’re really mad. I can tell. That calm facade you’ve got going isn’t hiding from me. So basically…I’ve had a long night.
66: Fine, but I’ll say this. If we both feel the same way, one or both of us better get on the ball before something happens. You may think this was just a big game, but what if we do meet other people and get married? Then what?
Zach: [pause] [looks at 66] Would you meet someone and get married?
66: [calmly] You did.
THE END CREDITS TO GET SMART!!