The Smart Files
Setting: A bar. Inside, two men were having a very loud argument and it was causing the owners to get a bit worried.
Man: If they keep going at it, it’s gonna cause a major fight.
Voice: Don’t worry about it.
The men turn around and face Thomas Hill, the second in command at KAOS, sitting in one of the owner’s chairs.
Man: Mr. Hill, we run a very good and clean business here…
Hill: Relax. You said those two men out there have been friends for 25 years.
Man #2: Yes, sir. I’ve never seen them go at it like this before.
Hill nodded his head. He then told a man standing next to him to go out there and calm the men down. The man left and within minutes, the argument had stopped and it seemed like the two men were friends again and what’s more, they didn’t seem to remember the argument they just had.
Man #1: How’d you do that?
Hill: [getting up] It’s a little something I have a couple of scientist working on. Kinda like truth serum, with an added anger filled punch to it.
Man #2: And you can make them stop? Just like that?
Hill: Gentlemen, Thomas Hill guarantees the American public will know exactly what Congress, the government, and the President is up to. And all you have to do, [hands men two buttons] is put me on your side. Thank you for the use of your establishment, gentlemen. Good night. [leaves with body guard]
The two men stare after Hill and his crony and then look at the buttons he gave them. “A vote for Hill is the right thing and only thing to do.”
THE OPENING CREDITS OF GET SMART!!
Setting: The home of Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart. Max and 99 had just come downstairs and had entered the kitchen, where they saw their son, Zachary, eating breakfast.
Zach: [smiling] Hi.
Max: Good morning, son. [pause] Are you lost?
Zach: No. Why?
Max: Because you don’t live here anymore.
Zach: [smiling] I ran out of eggs.
99: [looking at an empty pan] It was nice of you to make breakfast, Zachary. [glancing at him] For yourself.
Zach: I made enough for all of us, but I got here really early and I wasn’t sure if you guys were up and I certainly didn’t want it to go to waste.
Max: Our son, always thinking. [pats Zach on the cheek] With his stomach.
Zach: [smiling] Would you like some breakfast?
Max: [sitting down] Yes, please.
Zach: [getting up and going to stove] Bacon and eggs?
99: I feel like pancakes today, don’t you, Max?
Max: Absolutely. [smiling]
Zach looked at his parents.
Zach: [smiling] Pancakes. [starts getting ingredients]
Max: Um, Zachary, was there another reason you came over? Besides our refrigerator?
Zach: [turning from stove] Yeah. Check out that newspaper article.
Max picked up a part of the paper that was left on the table.
Max: [reading] Man found innocent in death. [looks at Zach] And? What’s this have to do with anything?
Zach: In a nutshell, these two friends got into a fight at local bar. Patrons said it would’ve turned into a fistfight, but this guy came over, told them something, and the argument stopped. [bringing over food] Later, these guys were seen arguing again and then one of them ends up dead. Weird, huh?
99: Zach, you came all the way over here, just to tell us that?
Zach: Well, I wanted to know what you guys thought of it.
Max: Thought of what? Two friends get into an argument. One mysteriously dies. Yes, Zach, it’s very interesting, but not what I call an important emergency.
Zach: Would you guys like to know where these guys worked? You probably haven’t heard of it. A little company bent on world domination and evil deeds. KAOS, I do believe is the name.
99: They were KAOS agents?
Zach: Right-o. I just thought it was interesting, that’s all.
Max: Well, it may be interesting, but it certainly shouldn’t be big time news.
Zach: Right again. So why is it in the paper?
99: Maybe that’s something you boys should look into.
Later that day, 99 was in her office, putting away files, when who should walk in through the door.
Hill: Ah, Mrs. Smart. Still lovely as ever.
99: [turning around] Hill! What’re you doing here?
Hill: No hello? No how ya doing? Mrs. Smart, that’s very rude, especially from you.
99: I’m warning you. I’m giving you five minutes to get out before…
Hill: Before what? You hit me? Always the violent way with you Smarts, isn’t it? Mrs. Smart, I come in peace. I just wanted to invite you to lunch.
99: I wouldn’t walk you to the post office to buy a stamp, much less have lunch with you.
Hill: Well, suit yourself. It’s a free lunch. Still say no?
99: I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a fork coated in salt.
Hill: [smirks] You Smart woman don’t mess around, do you? [starts to leave] Well, I just thought I’d make an offer. Sorry to bother you.
99: [sarcastically] I’m sure. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
Hill: [laughs] I’ve always liked you, 99. You have that certain spark about you. It’s very becoming. Of course, if I was your spark…
The door closed abruptly in the middle of Hill’s sentence. He just laughed and made his way out of the building. After that, 99 couldn’t help but go over to CONTROL headquarters to see Max. When she got there, she noticed a water tower by his desk.
99: Decided it was too rough to get up and get the water?
Max: I’m just as surprised as you are.
99: You didn’t order this? [Max shakes his head]
Dr. Austin Parker came in through the door to tell Max something, but was stopped by a question.
Max: Parker, you didn’t order this bottle water thing, did you?
Parker: No. It must be some kind of special deal. I saw the truck when I pulled in today. It’s good water, isn’t it though?
Max: The best. I’ve never tasted water that good before. [looks at paper in Parker’s hand] Something for me, Parker?
Parker: Yes, sir. It’s about the string of murders lately.
Max: What string of murders? What’re you talking about?
Parker: You haven’t heard? Seven FBI agents, three CIA agents, two reporters, and…get this, four KAOS agents. Weird, huh?
Max: Very. Even for KAOS. Four of their own agents? [Parker nods]
99: Max, what if this another KAOS plan?
Parker: I tend to agree with you, Mrs. Smart, but this time I have to wonder. Four of their own agents? KAOS may be underhanded and disreputable, but cold blooded killers? I find that hard to believe.
Max: Nothing’s hard to believe with the KAOS crowd. [looks at water] [to 99] 99, could you get me a cup of water? [to Parker] Listen, Parker, what exactly are we up against here? [gets water from 99]
Parker: I’m not sure. It kinda counts against KAOS if their own guys are being killed off. [thinks] Oh no. You don’t think…
99: Parker, don’t even think it.
Max: [looks between the both of them] What?
Parker: It’s a possibility.
99: A horrible one at that.
Max: What?
Parker: It could explain everything.
Max: WHAT? What’re you guys talking about?
Parker: [looks at 99, then at Max] Chief, what if we could be dealing with a third organization here?
Max: [looks at Parker, then 99, then back at Parker] You’re joking, right?
Parker: granted, it’s a little far-fetched…
Max: [sarcastically] A little far-fetched, he says.
Parker: It’s just a thought, sir.
Max: And a stupid one at that. Come on, Parker. What do I pay you for? [before Parker can answer] I obviously don’t pay you to hit on my daughter.
99: [shocked] Max! I can’t believe you would say that!
Max: Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed. [before 99 can answer] Don’t bother.
Parker: [sarcastically] It’s alright, Mrs. Smart. I’m a bigger man than you think, Chief. [starts to leave] And if you don’t believe me, just ask your daughter. [leaves]
Max starts to get up, but 99 stops him.
99: Max, I really can’t believe you’d something like that to Austin. I really think you should apologize.
Max: 99, I have just one simple rule in my tiny little office. And that rule is, if you don’t work here, you don’t have a say in the matter. [looks at 99]
99: [insulted] Well…[starts to leave] I guess that’s one more reason I don’t work here. [storms out]
At KAOS headquarters, Hill was sitting in his office, talking to someone on the phone.
Hill: [on phone] Well? How did it go?
Man: [outside building] Perfectly, boss. I got the water tank delivered to the Chief’s office. I couldn’t go inside, but I got some people to deliver it for me.
Hill: Excellent. By the end of the day, Team Smart should be no more. [laughs]
*****COMMERCIAL BREAK*****
Setting: CONTROL headquarters. Max had spent most the day trying to figure out the connection in the several deaths of that week…and also trying to figure out why 99, Maxine, and Parker weren’t talking to him. When Parker came in later, Max had to ask.
Parker: Here are those files you wanted, Chief.
Max: Thanks Parker. Say, Parker, are you mad at me for some reason?
Parker: In light of what you said to me earlier, I think I have a tad bit right to be mad.
Max: What did I say to you earlier?
Parker: Oh, like you don’t know!
Max: I don’t!
Parker: Basically, sir…you implied that my…attraction to your daughter was somehow affecting my work here.
Max: I said that?
Parker: Yes, sir. Your wife was even present for the whole thing.
Max: [to self] Maybe that’s why she’s mad at me. [to Parker] Listen, Austin, whatever I said, I didn’t mean it. And I’m really really sorry.
Parker: Really?
Max: Really. Look, Parker, it’s much more important to find out about these deaths and all, okay?
Parker: Of course. Do you still think my idea is crazy?
Max: What idea? [looking at files]
Parker: My third organization theory.
Max: Are you serious? You really think there might be a third organization involved in this?
Parker: Like I said, sir, it’s just a thought. Oddly enough, it gets KAOS off the hook, if indeed they are responsible
Max: Parker, tell me everything you know about this case.
Parker: Well, in a nut shell, all the agents that were killed, were close friends with each other. Actually, I should say that there’s always one person who ends up doing the dirty deed of killing his best friend.
Max: Explain that.
Parker: Well, take for instance the CIA agents. Friend kills four of his really tight friends after an argument, then ultimately kills himself. [sees look on Max’s face] Something wrong, sir?
Max: Zach told me about something in the paper about that. In fact, it was the first two KAOS agents killed.
Parker: Why would that make the paper?
Max: That was my question, too. Austin, go find Zach and tell him to meet me at the scene of that first murder. {gets up] Actually…I have a better idea. Tell Zach to take Agent 66 with him.
Parker: That’s a little volatile, don’t you think? Considering…
Max: [smiling] That’s exactly why I’m doing it, Parker.
Parker: Okay. Hey, where’re you going?
Max: I’m going to find out why my wife’s mad at me.
A short time later, Max found himself on the other side of 99’s office door.
Max: [to door] Come on, 99. You can’t ignore me forever.
99: [opening door] Watch me. [slams door in Max’s face]
Max clears his throat and turns to Julie, the office secretary.
Julie: [getting up with folder] Let me help you, Mr. Smart.
Max: Thank you.
Julie: [opening door] I have that folder for you, Mrs. Smart.
99: Thanks, Julie. Go ahead and bring them in.
Julie nods, hands Max the folder, and goes back to her desk. Max smiles, walks in and closes the door.
99: How did you get in here?
Max: 99, it was terrible. Dreadful. Julie was coming in here to give this folder, the very folder I hold in my hand, when all of a sudden, she trips and falls. Breaks her ankle. So in one last desperate act, and with the very last of her air and oxygen, she hands me this folder, saying that I have to get this to you with any cost on my life, so here I am. Would you believe it?
99: No, actually, I wouldn’t.
Max: [pause] Fair enough, cause I made the whole thing up, but in essence, I have something you want. And you have something I want.
99: Such as?
Max: An explanation on why you’re mad at me. Which I can only assume has something to do with what I said to Dr. Parker today.
99: Among other things.
Max: Other things? Oy, what have I done now?
99: Max, don’t tell me you don’t remember anything you said today?!
Max: I don’t remember a thing! But you asked me not to tell you that. Believe me, 99, I’ve been sitting in my office all day, trying to figure out why I have three people madder than hell at me. Look, 99, whatever I said to you, you know I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. If you don’t forgive me, I’ll cry. I really will.
99: [sighs]Oh Max, of course I forgive you. I can’t stay mad at you for long.
Max: Well, I guess I can give you this. [hands 99 folder] Probably something pretty important, huh?
99: No, it’s a just a folder. I just needed something to put these papers in.
Max and 99 were soon back at CONTROL headquarters where Zach was waiting in Max’s office.
Zach: Dad, that was a dirty trick you pulled.
Max: Zachary, what’re you babbling about?
Zach: That dirty trick you pulled! You know Agent 66 and I aren’t getting along and you still insist we work together. Even after you promised we wouldn’t have to anymore.
Max: So I’m a liar, Zach. A big, fat liar. Sue me.
Zach: I can, you know.
Max: [annoyed] Zachary, tell me you and Tracie got some work done today.
Zach: [sarcastically] Yes, we got some work done today. [looks from both parents] [calms down] Sorry. Agent 66 and I searched all over and all we found was what looked like a button on the first floor of the decease’s apartment.
99: A button?
Zach: Yeah, like on of those campaign buttons. I took it down to Parker so he could look at it.
Max: What did the button say, Zach?
Zach: Well, it was pretty destroyed, but it looked like it said, “a vote for Hill, is a right vote…” something like that. We’re not sure if the name’s Hill or Hillside or Hillenbrand…
Max: Okay Zach.
Zach: Or Hillson or Hilly or Hillary…
Max: Alright, Zach. We get the point. So we’re dealing with someone who’s in or running for Congress. That’s not a good sign.
99: Especially considering there are about seven people who have Hill as a suffix in their name.
Max: [eyes closed] Especially considering that. [opening eyes] 99, could you get me some water? Hey, Zach have you tried the water yet? It’s really good.
Zach: Not yet, though I am surprised you’d actually break down and get one of those.
Max: I didn’t. It was just delivered up here. Some kind of special promotion. 99, have you had any water yet? It’s really good.
99: [hands Max a cup] Sure, I’ll try it.
Max: Zach, check how Parker’s doing downstairs.
Zach: Right, Pop. [leaves]
Elsewhere, at KAOS headquarters, Thomas Hill is meeting with his advisers.
Hill: Now listen gentlemen. I want TWO separate people. On one hand, I want Thomas Hill, leader of communities, helper of those lost in the world…financial backer to some of the United States heaviest tolls. I want the public to love me by the time your through. On the other hand, I want Thomas Hill, evil incarnate. I want my KAOS background silent as possible to those that could potentially bring me down and destroy all the plans I have in mind.
Man 1: What about Team Smart, sir? And CONTROL?
Hill: They’re being taken of as we speak.
Cut to the outside of Max’s office and the lobby. Trudi, the office secretary had on a pair of very large headphones to block out the sound. Zach and Tracie were standing outside and heard the loud argument going on inside and were trying to get Trudi’s attention.
Zach: [yelling] TRUDI! [girl looks up] What’s going on in there?
Trudi: A big argument.
Zach: [sarcastically] You know, Trudi, sometimes your powers of observation are astounding.
Trudi: hey, I didn’t go through two years of medical experiments to come out a dummyhead. [puts headphones back on]
Zach: [looks at Tracie] Ah, the first piece of the puzzle.
66: Come on, 78. We have to go in there and find out what’s going on.
The two quickly walked in and saw a total war zone battle, which seemed to be between Max and Parker. On either side of the man was 99 and Maxine.
Zach: hey!
Just then, Max hit Parker in the eye, causing Parker to stumble a bit, but keep his balanced.
Parker: [covering left eye with his hand] See? That didn’t hurt one bit. [starts to cry]
Maxine: See, what you did? You big bully!
99: [pointing to a crying Parker] He started it!
Zach: HEEEEYYYYY!! [everyone stops] What the hell is wrong with you people? I’m gone for like thirty minutes and all hell breaks loose.
Max: Stay out of this, Zach!
Zach: Now, hey, hey, hey. [standing in the middle of the room] What’s the problem? Come on. We’re all friends here.
66: [sarcastically] With the exception of us, of course.
Zach: Of course.
Maxine: You know, Tracie, Zach did that whole wedding thing on purpose. You know, he’s engaged again.
Zach: What? Maxine, what’re you talking about?
66: [to Zach] Oh, you are, huh?
Zach: No. Dude, Maxi, this isn’t funny. This whole thing isn’t funny, you guys.
Max: How many people are getting just a little sick and tired of Zach’s excuses? [everyone raises their hands, much to Zach’s surprise]
Zach: Listen, gang…[backing away from the mob] can’t we talk about this?
Maxine: [hitting her fist in her hand] I think we should put his lights out permanently.
Zach: I’ll take that as a no.
*****COMMERCIAL BREAK*****
Setting: The office of Chief Maxwell Smart. His son, Zach, was very close to being rubbed out by his own family and friends.
Zach: Listen, don’t I get a last request?
Max: [about to say something, then stops] I’m thirsty. [goes over to water cooler]
Zach: [following him] Dad, I’m about to liquefied by you and the rest of the gang. [knocks cup out of Max’s hands] This is no time for a water break.
Just then, something hit Zach like a lightening bolt. He stared at the cup on the carpet floor.
Max: Was that really necessary?
Zach: [looking at Max] Dad, have you been drinking water from this thing all day?
Max: Just about. You know, until I got this in here, I never realized how thirsty I get in the day.
Zach: Pop! I just had a crazy idea. What if…hear me out now…what if the water is causing this strange behavior?
99: What strange behavior?
Maxine: Damn! Have you guys seen Austin eye?
Zach: Hello! It was like rumble in the Bronx in here like two minutes ago.
66: Smart, are you serious?
Zach: [sarcastically] No, I’m really joking about this. You guys were going to kill me!
Max: You know, Zach, that might not be so far fetched.
Maxine: What?
Max: Earlier today when I had that argument with Parker, the last thing I remember doing was asking 99 for a cup of water. And just now, I remember having a cup of water before Zach left. And…[looking at Parker] God, Parker, look at your eye. Go put some ice on that. [Maxine leaves with Parker] [to Zach] Now, Zach…
Zach: [down looking at cooler] Oh baby. Look what I found. [peels off sticker] Looks like we got a little present from our friends at KAOS.
66: Well, that’s just great. But who do we get to thank for the gift?
Max: I’d bet my bottom dollar on Conrad Siegfried, Jr.
Zach: This isn’t Junior’s style. Sure, we could have easily killed each other, but to go about it like this…no, this definitely isn’t a Junior job.
99: Then who would want us to get at each other’s throats and tear us apart? [snaps her fingers] Of course!
Max: We should’ve known.
Zach: Duh.
Quartet: Thomas Hill!
99: Of course, why didn’t I get it before? Hill came to see me earlier today.
Max: What for?
99: He wanted to take me to lunch. What a perfect alibi, huh?
Just then, Parker comes running back in, with a bag of ice over his eye.
Max: Austin, I told you to ice that eye.
Parker: And I am. Chief, you will never in a million years guess what I just found?
Zach: Jimmy Hoffa.
Parker: [looks at Zach] No. [to Max] I thought I’d have Max check around the building to see if anyone else was having the same problems we are with the water cooler. Turns out, we’re the only office WITH a water cooler.
Max: What an odd way to get to the top of the popularity chain. Zach, Tracie, I want you guys to go to the address given by the water guys. If I miss my guess, you guys should meet up with Thomas Hill.
66: [disappointed] Chief…
Max: Look, this is no time for you to complain about working with each other. I promise this is the very case you work together, okay? Just go.
Zach: You can count on us, Pop. Come on, Trace. [leaves with 66]
99: Max, do you really think it was a good idea for you to promise that? That this the last case they work together?
Max: [smirks] Trust me, 99, this is NOT the last case they work together. [look from 99] So I’m a big fat liar. Sue me.
Zach and 66 rushed to the building that the Spring Time Bottle Water Comp. The two walked in cautiously and were quickly discovered by the KAOS guards. They were taken to an upstairs room with a view…and weren’t surprised to see Hill standing at the window.
Zach: A little closer and you could fall, Thomas.
Hill: [turning to face them] Fall? Or would I be pushed? I wondered how long it would take you guys to undercover my scheme.
Zach: Pretty bold of you to kill off four of your own agents, Hill. I’m sure the big boss man ain’t impressed.
Hill: Do you really think this is the end of me?
Zach: [drawing gun] Yeah, I think so.
66: [with gun] You’re boys aren’t too smart, are they?
Hill: [laughs] What an ironic thing to say. Look, kiddies, as saddened as I am that you couldn’t destroy each other as hoped, this isn’t the end of things. This is just the beginning. I have much bigger plans, which don’t include you, but I also have plans to get rid of you. [looks at watch] Ah. Look at the time. I have a meeting with some high big wigs, so if you’ll excuse me.
Zach shoots off a bullet that misses Hill’s head by inches and hits the wall behind him.
Zach: Stand and fight, you coward!
Hill: That was awfully close, Smart. That could’ve hit me.
66: [cocking gun and aiming at Hill] I won’t miss.
Hill: Hmm. Amazing you two can even work together. I’d think after the Amanda Spears incident, you wouldn’t even be talking to each other.
Zach: That was three months ago, Hill. It’s old news.
Hill: Is it? [smiling] You know, Smart, I saw Amanda just last week. She says she misses you. She really wishes you’d respond to her letters.
66: [appalled] [to Zach] She’s writing you letters?!
Zach: Agent 66, would you please pay attention? Hill’s up to his dirty tricks again.
Hill: Look, I really have to go…[starts to leave]
Zach: One move, Hill and I’ll…
Zach’s sentence was cut short, as he and 66 fell to the ground. A large man stood behind them, with a blackjack.
Hill: Thank you, Jonathon. What should we do with our guests? [looks at watch] Damn, I’m going to be late. Listen, Jonathon, do whatever you want to them. I’ve got tons of things to do. I’ll see you later at headquarters. And Jonathon, make sure you clean up your mess, huh? Don’t want something like last time. [leaves]
Jonathon: [calling after him] We were going to redecorate anyways!
When Zach and 66 awoke, they found themselves tied together and heading down a conveyer belt.
Zach: Tracie, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
*****COMMERCIAL BREAK*****
Setting: The Spring Time Bottle Water Comp. Going down a conveyor belt, sat Zach and 66 tied together.
66: Well, Smart, how do we get out of this one?
Zach: [sarcastically] Hey man, you’re the lead dog. What’ve we got in front of us?
The camera pans to the opening of a crushing machine and behind the crushing block was an area of very hot liquid.
66: [pause] Let’s just say you don’t want to know. I’ll tell you this…it’s bad. Really bad. And we’re getting closer.
Zach: Okay, no problem. We just have to find a way out of this rope. Got your cutters on you?
66: No. I let Max borrow them yesterday when she and Parker got tied up in that wax factory.
Zach: [sarcastically] great.
66: Don’t you have your razor ring or razor cuff-links or something?
Zach: No, but I do have a Swiss army knife.
66: Groovy! Where?
Zach: In the glove department of my car.
66: Not groovy.
Zach: hey, no problem. I’m starting at jagged plastic back here.
66: And?
Zach: Didn’t you ever take physics? If these pieces are jagged enough, they should be able cut through these ropes. But we need to scoot back.
66: Believe me, [looking at crusher] I have no problem with that.
With precision, Zach and 66 jumped back so Zach could get close to a jagged piece of plastic. When he had it balanced nicely between his shoes, he carefully reached over and grabbed it with his hand.
66: Hurry Zach! We’re getting closer!
Zach: Believe me, I’m not stalling.
After a few minutes, the two were free. They quickly jumped off the conveyor belt before they became human pancakes.
66: Geez, that was close.
Zach: [taking off his shoe] I’m calling Dad. [on shoe phone] Dad, it’s Zach. Our mission…was a failure. Oh sure, we exposed the faulty water company, but we let Thomas Hill get away. Not only that, but I have a feeling this isn’t the last we hear of Thomas Hill. Unfortunately, I think he might have something against us. I wonder why that is. Do you think it’s because we spoil his plans repeatedly or because Agent 66 has no desires to be romantically involved with him? [looks at 66] Again. [look from 66] I’m starting to think he hates me. [pause] What’s that? [pause] Oh really. This isn’t 325-4958? 59…I see. Okay. [pause] Really? Oh, well thanks. Yeah, it’s 325-4958. Okay. Thank you. Good bye. [hangs up]
66: Wrong number?
Zach: Yeah, but the lady was nice enough to call Dad and tell him the story. [smiles]
THE ENDING CREDITS TO GET SMART!