Gone With the KAOS
Setting: A dark warehouse by the docks. Agent 78, Zachary Smart, paces back and forth in front of the door. Soon, he’s joined by Agent 66, who starts to pace behind him. Unaware of her presence, Zach turns around and is scared half to death.
Zach: Don’t do that! You’ll give me a heart attack!
66: Sorry.
Zach: What’re we doing here anyways?
66: We’re supposed to meet our contact here.
Zach: What idiot would want to have a meeting in an abandoned warehouse on the docks?
66: It’s for protection. Our contact is a defector from KAOS. He has some important information for us and he wanted to make sure we weren’t to be followed.
Zach: What’s that contact’s name?
66: Dewey Stone.
Zach: Well, he better get here soon. It’s freezing out here and I’m tired.
As the two agents pace back and forth, a figure emerges from the door of the warehouse and taps Zach on the shoulder. The shock from the tap causes Zach to scream and run into 66, who also screams, unaware of what they are screaming about.
Figure: Shhh! [looks around] If I wanted for everyone to know where I was, I would’ve invited KAOS here. Now, come on. Get inside.
Zach: Wait a minute. How do we know you’re who you claim to be?
Figure: I haven’t claimed to be anyone yet.
Zach: Oh. Well, I claim to be Zachary Smart, Agent 78, she claims to be Agent 66, and we both claim to be from CONTROL.
Figure: Well, come inside and I’ll claim to be Dewey Stone.
Zach and 66 look at each other and follow the figure inside. They walk towards a bright spot in the middle of the floor from a lamp of some kind. When they reach the spot, Zach and 66 notice that their contact is a woman rather than a man.
Both: You’re Dewey stone?!
Stone: Yes.
66: But you’re a woman!
Stone: [sarcastically] Your powers of observation are astounding.
Zach: [smiling] You’ll forgive my partner, Ms. Stone. We were led to believe that you were a man, I mean with a name like Dewey and all.
Stone: My father wanted a boy.
Zach: [looking Stone over] I can’t see why.
66: [looks at Zach] [clears throat] [to Stone] Ms. Stone, you said you had information for us concerning KAOS?
Stone: Yes. I have reason to believe KAOS is set to steal the Jimson diamonds at next weeks gem show.
Zach: Hmm, that is something. With that jewel, KAOS can finance all their operations. We wouldn’t be able to stop them from a reign of terror.
66: How can we be sure we can trust you?
Zach: 66! [to Stone] Don’t listen to her. She couldn’t trust an ant to carry a briefcase. [smiling] I, on the other hand, trust you completely. I’m a very trusting person.
Stone: [stepping closer] Are you, Mr. Smart?
Zach: [flashing a sexy smile] Do fish swim? [66 rolls her eyes]
Stone: Well, Mr. Smart, [pulling out gun] I hate to take advantage of your trusting nature, but KAOS has waited a long time to kill you.
Zach: [disappointed] Oh.
66: [looks at Zach] Ants don’t carry briefcases.
Zach: What if it was business ant?
66: And another thing. Fish do swim.
Zach: [sarcastically] Well, you’ve certainly picked a delightful time to bring that up. [to Stone] Listen, Ms. Stone, I have no idea what’s going on here, but I can assure you that I am not happy about it.
Stone: Mr. Smart, you and you partner have once again fallen into another ingenious trap from KAOS.
Zach: [smirks] I’ve fallen into better traps then this one.
Stone: Say goodbye, Mr. Smart.
As Stone raises the gun, 66 does a karate kick and knocks it out of the woman’s hand. As Stone tries to swing at her, 66 takes her arm and flips her over her shoulder.
Zach: [as the leave] Remind me never to get on your bad side.
66: Too late.
The duo quickly escapes from the warehouse, only to be stopped by a group of KAOS agents with guns pointed at them.
Zach: [to group] Well, I hope you get your fun out of the way because as soon as I’m done talking, you’re all going to be in big trouble.
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!
Setting: An empty warehouse on the docks. Agents 66 and 78 have been tricked into coming down there and are now cornered by a group of KAOS agents.
66: [angrily][to Zach] I can’t believe you fell for the old damsel in distress trick. Again!
Zach: 66, this is not the time to discuss this.
KAOS agent #1: Okay, Smart. We’ll let you have it anywhere you want.
Zach: Anywhere? [pause] How bout Pittsburgh? No, better yet Detroit. [looks of anger from KAOS agents] Would you believe Tampa Bay?
66: [very angry][to Zach] If I die, Smart, I’m going to kill you.
Zach: [sarcastically][to 66] You’re so good to me.
Just as the agents raise their weapons, a phone ring is heard. Some of the agents look around, as does Zach, thinking it may be his shoe phone. Finally, the phone is answered by another KAOS agent.
KAOS agent #2: [on phone] Hello? [pause] Yeah? Okay then. I’ll tell the boys. [hangs up] [to group] Okay, boys, drop your weapons. [the group drops weapons] It’s official. Let’s pack up and go home. [they start to leave]
Zach: Hey! Where you guys going? Aren’t you going to kill us?
KAOS agent #3: Nope.
Zach: [annoyed] Well, why not? What’s so fired up important you guys have to leave us hanging? Now, you come back here and finish us off!
KAOS agent #4: Like to, but don’t have to.
66: [to Zach] Zach, now’s our chance to escape.
Zach: No! [to group] You come back here and kill us!
66: Zach!
Zach: [to 66] They’ve got a job to do! [to agents] You come back here and kill us or I’ll tell Junior and get you all fired!
KAOS agent #2: Go ahead! Like we care.
Both: Huh?
KAOS agent #1: As of just five minutes ago, we went on strike.
Zach and 66 look at each other in amazement. Scene changes to the office of Chief Maxwell Smart of CONTROL. Zach and 66 are relating their story to Max, Maxine Smart, and Trudi, the office secretary.
Zach: It was incredible! Dad, you’ve never seen anything like this! There we were, cornered by thousands of KAOS agents…
66: More like TEN KAOS agents, Chief.
Zach: [to 66] Do you mind? I’m trying to relate how I scared off all those KAOS agents from trying to kill us.
66: You WHAT!? No. If it wasn’t for me and my quick thinking, we would’ve been dead back in the warehouse!
Zach: [annoyed] And if it wasn’t for me, we wouldn’t have been at the docks in the first Pl… [stops] Strike that.
66: Exactly my point! [to Max] Chief, you’re son is the most obnoxious, annoying, sex-crazed individual….
Zach: Hey! I resent those remarks!
66: Do you deny them?
Zach: No, but I certainly resent them. Well, I might deny that obnoxious thing…
Max: Cool it, you two. I want to know more about this strike KAOS is on.
66: Well, if Zach would tell his ego to back off, perhaps I can give you a reasonable and truthful account of the events.
Zach: [sarcastically][to 66] Well, tell on, Miss Manners. Tell how you didn’t do anything when we were faced with those KAOS men.
66: [angry] You wanted them to come back and finish the job!
Zach: [also angry] Well, I don’t see why not. If they came down to kill us…
Zach and 66 continue to argue loudly until Max finally intervenes.
Max: Hey! Hey! [looking at both Zach and 66] Are you done? Take your personal differences out of here. There will be no arguing in my office! This is CONTROL, we don’t do that here.
Trudi: Yes you do. Remember that argument you got into with Dr. Parker last week when he ran into your car and then…[evil look from Max] [stops]
Max: Get out Trudi.
Trudi: Yes, sir. [leaves]
66: Chief, if it hadn’t of been for Zach, we wouldn’t have gotten into that KAOS trap.
Zach: [sarcastically] Well, I didn’t hear you complaining when we were there. And you certainly didn’t say you didn’t want to come.
Max: [annoyed] Come back to me! We’re losing focus. About that strike…
Zach: Well, [looks at 66] [to 66] May I? [66 nods] [to Max] They were about to kill us when one of their phones went off. And just like that, [snapping his fingers] they dropped their weapons and started to leave.
66: Then one of the agents said that the phone call had told them they were on strike.
Zach: [annoyed][to 66] Once again, you’ve interrupted me. I like to remind you that I’m still senior agent around here. So if you don’t mind, I was talking. [to Max] It seems, Dad, that the call the agent had received had told them they were going out on strike.
66: [annoyed] Isn’t that what I just said?!
Zach: Yes. And then you got to hear it properly from the mouth of a wise and intelligent senior agent.
66: [sarcastically] Too bad I don’t seen anyone like that in this room.
Zach: [pauses][angrily] That tore it. Right there. Now take that back!
66: I will not!
Once again, the two agents started to argue loudly and Max had to break it up.
Max: Stop it! What is with you today?
Zach: [calms] Well, she started it.
66: I did not!
Zach: Did too!
Max: Stop! Handle it…OUT of the office. In fact, handle this OUT of the building. The important thing right now, is to get to the bottom of this strike.
66: Chief, do you think that this may just be a trick by KAOS? I mean, what if this strike is just a red herring and they plan to do something right under our noses?
Zach: Just shows what you know. [to 66] That will never happen because I’m on the case.
66: [sarcastically] Well, then Zach, not only will that happen, but so will tidal waves, cosmic
explosions, and World War 3!
Zach: You’ve crossed the line, Agent 66! That was too far! I was lenient the first couple of times, but now…
The two once again start to argue and continue to do so as Max leads them out of his office. He then closes the automatic door and is enclosed with silence.
After a minute of basking, Max goes over to the phone and dials his wife, Agent 99. In her office, 99 is reading a memo when her phone rings.
99: [on phone] Hello.
The scenes go back and forth.
Max: Morning, gorgeous.
99: [smiling] What do I owe this surprise?
Max: Just the fact that I love you and I need a slight favor.
99: What’s the favor?
Max: Have you heard anything about a KAOS strike?
99: Funny you should mention that. I have a memo in my hands saying there’s a possible strike at KAOS and that they’re breaking up. The business is out.
Max: You really have a memo saying that? Is KAOS really going out of business?
99: I don’t know. You tell me, Chief of CONTROL.
Max: I would if I could, my dear, but I can’t. I’d like to send some one out to check this.
99: Why don’t you send Zach? Or 66?
Max: Because they’ve having a very loud discussion outside the door.
99: [confused] They’re what?
Max puts her on speaker phone, then gets up, walks over to the door, and opens it. Just as expected, Zach and 66 are still there, arguing.
Trudi sits at her desk, with headphones on so she can’t hear the argument. Max then closes the door and goes back over to the phone. He takes it off speaker and picks up the receiver.
99: Yes, I see what you mean. Why are they arguing?
Max: I don’t know. They came into my office this morning, arguing. I can’t have them on this case if they’re going to argue like this. But more importantly, I’m worried about this strike.
99: Why? This strike could be good news. With KAOS out of operation, we’re closer to getting the world as safe as possible.
Max: Yes, but 99, with no KAOS, there’s no CONTROL.
99: Oh yes, I see your point. [pauses] Well, then that means I’d get to spend more time with you.
Max: [smiling] Well, that is certainly a definite plus. [enter Zach and 66]
Zach: Dad, I can’t take this anymore. [pointing to 66] This woman is driving me crazy. She’s blaming me for that Thomas Hill incident a few months back. She’s actually blaming me for her dating the second in command at KAOS!
Max: [on phone] 99, I’ll call you back. The twin terrors are back. Bye. [pause] [to Zach and 66] Can the two of you put aside your differences for one minute? Just a minute, then you can go back to what you were doing…outside of this office, of course. That was my wife on the phone. Apparently this KAOS strike is the real thing.
66: Chief, are you sure?
Max: No. That’s where the two of you come in.
Both: I refuse to work with him/her!
Max: Please? You don’t have to work together. In fact, from now on, you don’t have to be partners anymore…Just as long as you check this lead out for me.
Zach: K. What’s the lead?
Max: I need one of you…Just ONE… of you to go down to the Congress building and find out what they know.
Both: I’ll go. [they turn and look at each other]
Zach: I think as long as MY mother is a member of Congress, I should go.
66: Well, as long as I saved YOUR life last night, I should go.
Zach: I’m older. I should go.
66: I’m prettier. I should go.
Zach: [to Max, but looking at 66] Dad…
Max: [annoyed] 66, you go. [66 smirks at Zach]
Zach: [hurt] Fine, Pop. And just what do I do?
Max: You’re going with me to see the president.
Zach: Really? Well….[smirks at 66] [to 66] Have fun.
66: I hate you.
Zach: Yes, well…I get to see the president. Tell my mom I say hi. [laughs]
Max: [annoyed] Zachary.
Zach: Sorry.
Max: 66, I want you to check any and everything that might be the cause of this strike.
66: Chief, you’re really interested in this strike. May I ask why?
Max: First off, what if you’re right? What if this is just a red herring for something worse. But, my main concern is what if they’re really on strike? No KAOS means no CONTROL.
Zach: Dad, you don’t think that’s really going to happen, do you?
Max: That’s why we’re checking this out. Come on.
The three go their separate ways, and we catch up with 66 at the Congress building. She stands at 99’s door, waiting for her to get there. 99 comes by and before there’s even a hello, she tells her the news.
99: [walking into office] [to 66] Well, it’s official. KAOS is definitely on strike.
66: How’d you find that out?
99: Conrad Siegfried.
66: Siegfried? Junior or Senior?
99: Junior. Made a statement earlier that went through the TVs here.
66: I can’t believe it. So what exactly does that mean for KAOS? Is there a reason why the agents are on strike?
99: He didn’t say. He just said the state of KAOS was in question and that the agents are on strike. Then the broadcast was over.
66: How very odd. Very odd indeed.
99: Why do you say that?
66: Well, we all know that KAOS will do anything for money and world domination and that some times their financial situation is worse than CONTROL’ s, but a strike? Junior’s a little off the beam at times, but a tyrant? No. [pause] Besides, I’m a little hurt. You’d think Junior would come to us first. We are his enemies after all.
99: Well, you do realize what this might mean for CONTROL.
66: [grimly] Yes. I just hope the president doesn’t realize it.
The scene switches to Max and Zach in the office of the President of the United States. Just as 66 had feared, the President was aware of the potential decline for CONTROL.
Prez: I hate to tell you this, Smart, but if this KAOS strike is for real, you’ll have no choice but to dismiss a number of agents.
Max: But Mr. President, CONTROL doesn’t have that many agents in the first place. If I dismiss a lot of agents, we won’t have any more CONTROL.
Zach: Mr. President, we’re still unsure if KAOS is on strike for sure. This could just be a ploy by the despicable Conrad Siegfried, Jr. just to get at us.
Prez: Well, that’s your job to find out. In the meantime, Smart, you must cut back on your agents in order to correspond with the strike.
******COMMERCIAL BREAK******
Setting: KAOS headquarters, the office of Conrad Siegfried, Jr., the head of KAOS. Junior sat at his desk on the phone. He seemed to be in a heated conversation.
Junior: [on phone] [angrily] No, I will NOT do that! KAOS has given you agents the best of the best and now you turn around and do this me! [pause] What? There’s nothing wrong with your current contracts! I refuse to discuss this any longer! [hangs up]
Thomas Hill, the second in command, came into the room and sat at the opposite side of Junior’s desk.
Hill: Commander Siegfried, we are working at resolving the strike as we speak.
Junior: Thomas, how can they do this to me? After all I’ve given them, they do this. It was bad enough I had to tell the …US government that KAOS was on strike. Now CONTROL knows.
Hill: But on the upside, without KAOS, CONTROL has nothing to fight over. They’ll be out of business.
Junior: And what about us, Thomas? WE might be out of business. I’ve been able to keep this well hidden from high command, but you know what’ll happen when HE hears about it. I’ll be ruined. He’ll kill me!
Hill: Commander Siegfried, what if we kill all the deserters? Then there wouldn’t be a strike and there would be no threat of defectors.
Junior: And when we do that, who will be our agents?
Hill: We’ve covered that. We have a brand new batch of KAOS trainees. They’ve been completely shielded from the outside news of the strike.
Junior: [thinking] That does sound like you’ve put everything into plan, Lt. Hill .
Hill: [proudly] Thank you, sir.
Junior: But it still stinks! That’s the worst plan yet. Kill the desert…are you aware, Lt. Hill, that some of our top agents and killers are out there parading around this building with coded signs?!
Hill: [confused] Coded signs, sir?
Junior: [annoyed] What? You want everyone to know they’re secret agents?
The scene switches to Max’s office. Max is pacing the floors, while Zach is on the phone with 99.
Zach: [on phone] Okay, Mom. [pause] Yeah, Dad had to start this morning in accordance with the president wishes and the current situation. He had to do it by seniority. Whoever’s been with CONTROL the shortest, has to go. [looking at Max pace] We’re waiting for Max to hear the news.
Max: [pacing] When your sister hears this, she’s going to kill me. I might just kill myself. He’s the best lab tech we have.
Zach: [still watching Max] Max is going to kill him. I hope nothing else happens. [sees beeping button on phone] Hold on, Mom. We got another call . [switches lines] Hello, Chief’s office. [pauses] Parker, he had to do to it! We know you’re upset and all… yes she’s heard. I’m sure of it.
Just then the automatic door opens and enters Maxine Smart. It’s apparent that she’s been crying and is very upset.
Max: Now Max….Calm down. I had to do it. The president made me…
Maxine: Daddy…[taking a deep breath] I can’t believe…you would fire…[starts to cry]
Max: Max, I didn’t want to! This KAOS strike is killing us! Austin was the fourth person I had to let go today! You think I wanted him to go? He’s the best lab tech we have at CONTROL!
Zach: [hanging up] Dad, don’t you think we should go undercover to find out if this is a serious threat or not?
Max: [looks at Zach awe] A serious threat? Zachary, I’ve just fired four people today. If that’s not serious threat, I don’t know what is.
Zach: Well, Pop, all I’m saying is maybe they want us to think it’s serious, just so we’ll let go our best agents.
Maxine: Well, it’s working very well. [sniffing]
Max: Look, maybe 66 found out something important with your mother.
The scene switches back to the Congress building, where 99 and 66 are looking at a contract between the agents of KAOS and their employers, the members of high command.
99: [pointing to contract] See? Right there it says every agent gets the standard free dental, free health, and free funeral plan for the loyal service. What I don’t understand, is with all the free things they get, why would the agents of KAOS go on strike?
66: I have no idea. We go on strike for much less then that! I also hear KAOS has a higher pay salary than we do. Now, I ask you, is that fair?
99: 66, you’re getting off the subject.
66: I know, I know. They’re just so petty about things. By the way, how did you get that contract?
99: Oh, I didn’t get it. Someone in the building said they came across it. I wanted to give it to Max, but everyone thought it might be safer here.
66: Well, it’s just not fair. KAOS on strike. What’s this going to do to us?
99: Well, Max just fired four people this morning, including Austin Parker.
66: [disgusted] KAOS is up to something, I know it! This strike has to be a red herring.
99: What if it is? How are you going to find out?
66: [thinking] Good question.
The girls think about it for a minute when the phone rings. 99 answers it.
99: Hello. [pause] Hello Maxine. [pause] Maxine, your father is not being mean. He had to do it with accordance of the situation. [pause] Maxine, what do you want me to do? Infiltrate KAOS?
Suddenly, 99 and 66 look at each other. 99 quickly talks to Maxine.
99: Maxine, is your father there? [pause] Well, put him on the phone. [pause] Max, 66 and I have a great idea. Would you like to hear it?
The scene switches back over to CONTROL and Max’s office.
Max: Of course I want to hear it! Your daughter’s sitting here, crying her eyes out and calling me an unfair parent! Now, I ask you, is that really necessary? [pause] What’s that? [pause] [excited] 99, I could kiss you!
99: [smiling] I’ll make sure you intend to do that.
Max: That’s why I married you. And because you come up with brilliant and marvelous ideas.
99: I try.
Max: You’re doing a great job! Tell 66 to meet us at the CONTROL secret lab on fourth. [pause] No, it’s disguised as the nursery this week. [pause] Plant Nursery. [pause] On Fourth and Brickman. [pause] The red one. [pause] No, that’s the blue and red one. I want her to go to the black and red one.
The scene changes to the black and red brick building located on Fourth and Brickman. The secret CONTROL lab was disguised as a plant nursery, but in the very back of the store, inside the greenhouse was the secret lab.
Inside were Max, 66, Zach, and Maxine. They all stood around a table waiting for the entrance of one Dr. Taylor Monroe. Dr. Monroe entered and the group was more than surprised that she was a woman.
Zach: [seeing Monroe] Well …
Monroe: Calm down, Smart. I’m not here for you.
Zach: I know, but…[looking her over] It’s never a bad thing to dream.
Monroe: You wanted to see me, Chief?
Max: Huh? Oh, yes. I, um…my wife, who I love very much…had this idea to infiltrate KAOS headquarters.
Monroe: Excellent idea. Any thought on how to do it?
66: We were thinking about becoming new recruits, that way we can discover what exactly is going on in KAOS headquarters.
Monroe: Well, first, [walking to another table] let me show you this lighter. [picks up black lighter] It looks like an ordinary lighter, but in reality, it’s a small saline torch.
Zach: [taking lighter] Remarkable.
Monroe: Just make sure you don’t light your cigarette with it.
66: We’ll keep that in mind. [taking lighter from Zach]
Monroe: Now, over here, [walks to other side of table] [picks up book] Do you know what this is, 78?
Zach: Off hand, I’d call it a book.
Monroe: [sarcastically] Are you always this charming, Mr. Smart?
Zach: [smiling] Every now and then.
66: [sarcastically] Except today. [evil look from Zach]
Monroe: The outside looks like a regular book, but on the inside, [opens book to reveal phone] is a cleverly hidden phone.
Zach: That’s very nice. That way, if we need to contact CONTROL, we won’t be noticed.
66: [pointing at something by the phone] What’s that?
Monroe: That would be the suicide pill of the week. Raspberry, I believe.
Zach: [hungry smile] Raspberry…
66: Have some. [Zach starts to take it, then stops] Go on. It’s not fattening. [look from Zach] It’s not habit forming either.
Just then, the real phone rang and Max went to look for it.
Monroe: [to Max] It’s the fern this week.
Max goes to the fern and answers the hidden phone.
Max: [on phone] Hello, CONTROL labs. Speaking. Hello, sir. [pause] What’s that? [looks at 66] Yes, she’s here. [turns away from everyone] Sir, I don’t think I can do that. [pause] Because she’s right here! [pause] But sir…that would make nine people I’ve…sir…yes, sir. I understand. [hangs up] [turns back around] [to 66] Um…Tracie, darling, can I see you over here for a minute?
66: Why? What’s wrong?
Max: Nothing, I just want to see you…over here. See? The light is better and you can see the sun from here.
66: You can see the sun from everywhere. We’re in a greenhouse.
Max: [looking around] So we are. See, that’s what I love about you. You’re so observant.
66: Chief, what’s wrong? What happened? Was that about my dad? Is he dying? Am I dying? Has KAOS gone out of business? Am I fired?
Max: [speechless] Well, one out of five ain’t bad.
66: Is it my Dad?
Max: It’s not about Dad.
66: So he’s okay?
Max: Fine. Perfectly healthy.
66: Am I dying?
Max: You’re not dying. You’re in perfect health. You’re going to live until you’re 112.
66: Am I fired?
Max: [looking for the words] I’d rather use the words “temporarily discharged” [sees look on 66’s face] Now, calm down, Trace. You know that I’m going to do everything in my power to get you back, right? I mean, it’s not me who’s doing it, you know. I mean, you know that.
66: [on the verge of crying] I know that.
Max: And you know that…that I won’t stand for this. I won’t even sit for it. So you have…you have to be big about this, okay? Cause…I…I have to calm Parker and Maxine…
66: Don’t worry, Chief. I’m not going to cry. I’m strong…all the women in my family are strong
individuals…
Max: [relieved] That’s a girl! Great! Be strong!
66: So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go over here and kill myself.
Max: Good! Great! [thinks about it] Wait. No.
Later that night, Max is pacing back and forth in his office, with 99 looking on.
Max: First Parker, then 66, and now Jamison. I’m firing people left and right.
99: Trudi’s gone.
Max: I know. I had to fire her too. [pause] You’d think I could enjoy it, but no! Stupid strike. Taking all my happy moments away. [stops] [to 99] I’ll tell you one thing, 99. This better be one hell of a strike. This better be the granddaddy of all strikes. This had better be one glorious mark in the history of strikedom cause if it isn’t, I’m going to personally go down to KAOS headquarters and kill Junior.
Just then, the phone rang. 99 picked it up and answered.
99: Chief’s office. [pause] Zach! Where are you?
The scene changes to the KAOS Training School. Inside a small, 8 x 10 room, sat Zach, talking into his phone book.
Zach: Right now, I’m sitting in a tin can. If you ever wanted to know what being a sardine feels like, come here.
Max: Zach, what’ve you found out?
Zach: First of all, CONTROL Training is much more fun and easier.
Max: I mean, any thing of importance.
Zach: Yeah. For being a first year recruit, I’m getting paid a thousand bucks.
99: [on speakerphone] Zach, you’re getting off the subject.
Max: Hold on, 99. [to Zach] You’re really getting paid to go through training?
Zach: Yeah! I think that’s something we should invest in at the next Guild meeting.
99: [slightly annoyed] Zach…information wise…what did you find?
Zach: Information wise, I found out KAOS is getting money from somewhere in order to pay people to join. It’s to replace all the agents who are on strike.
Max: So KAOS isn’t really going out of business.
Zach: No, but I can tell you one thing. If that strike ever lets up, we could be in a lot of trouble. [pause] Not to mention that I’ll be in a lot of trouble when they find out who I am.
99: Why don’t you bring in your back up?
Zach: What back up?
99: You don’t have any back up? [looking at Max] Why doesn’t he have any back up?
Max: Well…99, you see…I had to fire 66 and Zach thought it would be best if he didn’t add someone to his team…[look from 99] Come on, 99, I had to fire half my agents today! I haven’t been thinking very clearly!
Zach: Look folks, I hate to break up a fight, but I have to go. It’s midnight running time. Again. [hangs up]
Zach leaves his stateroom and heads out to the field. Outside, a large group of people stood outside already, talking amongst themselves. Zach walked up and tried to listen in.
Zach: [to agent] Hey, what’s going on?
Agent: It’s over! The strike’s over!
Zach realized that his premonition about what would happen was starting to come true. He though quickly on how to stop it.
Zach: Hey! [running up to the front of crowd] We can’t end the strike! [everyone listens] What about our rights to conduct an unorganized mob? Or the right to bare arms freely as possible? And what about our free dental?
Voice: It’s all been taken care of. [emerges from front] [turns out to be Junior] Mr. Smart.
Zach: [hiding shock] Oh boy.
Junior: Oh boy is right, Smart. [to agents] Get him!
Zach: Hold it! [everyone stops] Don’t come any closer. Touch one hair on my head or if I even utter the word ‘help’, I’ll be rescued by one thousand CONTROL agents, baring guns bigger than your heads.
Junior: Well, I find that hard to believe. Especially when CONTROL has no agents in the first place. [everyone laughs, including Zach]
Zach: You’re right. I was just toying with you. CONTROL would never send a thousand agents to deal with a bunch of rookies. Ha! That would be crazy. I didn’t want to do it, but you leave me no choice. If you come one step closer, 500 of CONTROL’s finest will come out of the wood works. [mob inches closer]
Agent: I find that a little hard to shallow.
Zach: Would you believe 100? [mob comes closer] Do I hear 50? [closer] 25? [starts backing up] 15? 10? [as mob gets closer, backs up] How bout 5 really angry security guards? [closer] Would you believe 5 really really mad boy scouts? [closer] Girl scouts? [closer] Cookies? What about 5 really, unbelievably mad chocolate chip…Alright. [stops] [mob starts to come very close] But I warn you, I’m a master in all forms of fighting techniques.
Just then, from virtually nowhere, a horde of CONTROL agents pop up from everywhere and have the entire place surrounded. The KAOS agents are just totally dumbfounded, they hardly realize that Zach had them under arrest. Soon, he’s joined by Max and 99.
Zach: [to Max] It’s a good thing you got here, Pop. I needed someone to hold me back.
Max: [looks at Zach] [to Junior] Well, Junior, looks like you’ll be spending some quality time in the local prison system.
Junior: I’ve gotten out before, Mr. Smart, I shall get out again.
Zach: Tell my Dad what you’re up to, Junior.
Junior: What’s there to tell? We had a little strike problem…so my ingenious second in command figured we should get more agents.
Zach: And pay them $1,000 bucks to join.
Junior: Every organization needs money, Smart. Even you can contest to that.
99: So where did you get yours?
Junior: That, Mrs. Smart, is my little secret.
Zach: Well, before you go, Junior, I just wanted to give back the money you gave me for joining KAOS. [hands Junior money]
Junior: Thank you, Smart.
Zach: And here’s an extra hundred. [gives Junior $100]
Junior: That’s very gracious of you, Smart. I owe you one. The next time we meet, I promise not to kill you.
Zach: Thanks, Conrad, that’s nice. You want another hundred?
Max: Zachary, what’re you doing? You can’t pay Junior off like that.
Zach: Well, Dad, I just think KAOS needs all the help they can get, you know, after that strike…
99: Zach, that’s like the police paying the criminals! Now what would that look like?
Zach: Seems to work in the major cities.
******COMMERCIAL BREAK******
Setting: The office of Chief Maxwell Smart. Junior had been sent to jail the night before and it seemed as though everything was back to normal.
99: Well, I’m certainly glad everything’s back to normal.
Parker: I’m glad that I get to go back to work.
66: Me, too.
Zach: It’s great to have you both back. You have no idea what it’s like to come to work each day and have a conversation with yourself over the day’s events. [everyone looks at him] Once. I did it once.
Max: Junior’s in jail and I’ve hired back everyone I fired.
99: Everyone?
Max: Everyone.
Maxine: Where’s Trudi?
Max: [pause] Everyone, except Trudi. [thinks] And Agent 22.
Zach: You’re gonna hire them back, aren’t you, Pop?
Max: [pause] Eventually. [everyone looks at him] Tomorrow at the latest.
THE ENDING CREDITS TO GET SMART!!!