The Nutcracker Smart


The Nutcracker Smart

Setting: A warehouse in a foggy part of town. Inside, a man paces back and forth, as though waiting for someone. Suddenly, the noise of a door opening and closing gets the man’s attention and he quickly looks around.

Man: Peters? Is that you?

Voice: No, it’s Santa Claus.

The first man turns around quickly to find another man behind him.

Man: Give me a heart attack why don’t you?

Peters: Sorry. I had to make sure you were who you said. Jeff Roberts, right?

Roberts: Yeah. It was important that I speak to you. About the diamond.

Peters: Well? Did you find it?

Roberts: Yes. And it’s the real thing. I had it appraised by one of the best jewelers in town. Oh, it’s for real.

Peters: Well, where is it?

Roberts: [backing up] I don’t have it with me.

Peters: [stepping closer] You what?

Roberts: I had a slight problem coming back to the states. I was being followed by this CONTROL agent…

Peters: Get to the point. Where’s that diamond?

Roberts: I had to hide it, but I hid it somewhere fantastic.

Peters: Yeah? Where?

Roberts: [smiling] In the guy’s stomach.

Peters: [annoyed] My patience with you is running thin, Mr. Roberts. What exactly do you mean you hid the jewel in his stomach.

Roberts: It was that CONTROL robot guy. I had him kidnapped and then when he was…in lights out, so to speak, I placed the diamond in this stomach. No one knows it’s there, besides you and me. It’s the perfect place. CONTROL will be searching for that rock and it’ll be under their own noses.

Peters: Except when we need it back. Now, how do we get it?

Roberts: Don’t worry. He came back to the states like I did. He’ll be in contact with one of the Smarts sooner or later and when we get them alone, we nab ‘em and kill ‘em.

Peters: This better work. Cause if it doesn’t, you’ll end up like Smart and his little toy. Disassembled.


Setting: The office of Chief Maxwell Smart. Max stood at his desk, talking to someone on the phone. His son and daughter, Zachary and Maxine Smart entered at the same time to see their father get off the phone and smile at them.

Max: Guess who just flew in and is at the airport, waiting for you to pick them up.

Zach: Marilyn Monroe?

Max: [annoyed] Oh ha. That’s funny. No, really. Hymie’s back.

Maxine: Uncle Hymie’s back in town? That’s great.

Zach: Totally. When was the last time we saw Uncle Hymie? [thinking] Well, it’s just good to have him back. [99 enters] [to 99] Hey, Mom, did you hear? Hymie’s back in town.

99: [smiling] Is he?

Max: Yep. He’s at the airport, just waiting for a certain male member of the Smarts to pick him up.

Zach: You don’t have to leave, Pop. I’ll pick him up.

Max: [annoyed] I meant for you to.

Zach: Oh. Well, then everything worked out for the best. [starts to leave, but stops] Uh, Pop, just out of idle curiosity, where’s Hymie staying?

Max: Your apartment.

Zach: MY apartment? Is there a reason for that?

99: Because you have more room.

Zach: Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t the two of you own a two-story, four-bedroom house?

Max: Which is completely packed with Christmas decorations. Oh, and don’t forget. Five o’clock, you’re helping me put up the lights.

Zach: [sarcastically] Oh boy. Well, at least can I bring Hymie by here so I clean my apartment?

Max: Sure.

99: What’s wrong with your apartment?

Zach: I have stuff to get rid of.

Maxine: Like what?

Zach: Well…it just so happens, I have a KAOS agent tied up in my living room closet. Then I have two more guys tied up in my bedroom closet cause I caught them going through my desk. Then, I’ve got some little guy tied up in the shower, cause that’s where he attacked me this morning. I have to get him out of there before the chambermaid sees him.

Max: Where’s she?

Zach: She’s tied up in kitchen. Oh, and I also have this woman tied up on my bed. [everyone looks at him] She’s a KAOS agent. [everyone still looks at him] Get your minds out of the gutter!

Max: [annoyed] Zachary, go home, untie all of those people, clean your apartment, and Max will pick up Hymie from the airport.

Zach: Yes, sir. Five o’clock?

Max: Five o’clock. And don’t be late! [Zach nods and leaves] [to Maxine] Maxine, don’t you have something to do?

Maxine: [annoyed] Yes…

Max: Well, get going.

Maxine: Yes, sir. [leaving room] Gee, you’re really testy this morning, Daddy.

Max: [calling after her] I am not testy! [to 99] 99, am I testy today?

99: Not anymore than your normal testiness.

Max: [annoyed] Cute.

99: What’s a matter, Max?

Max: [sitting at desk] I just hate putting up the lights.

99: That’s because you over do it.

Max: Not this year, 99. I’m totally prepared for this season.

99: Why, Max?

Max: You’ll see. You’ll like it, 99. You’ll really like it.

99: I’m sure I will, Max. Oh, by the way, here. [drops folder on desk] Merry Christmas.

Max: [picks up folder] It’s the nicest manila folder I’ve ever gotten. What’s in it?

99: In short, the Ranlin Diamond was stolen

Max: Uh huh. What’s that to me?

99: Well, if it was stolen by KAOS, it means they can finance at least part of their organization. And if it was someone else, the government loses money because if the diamond is sold on the black market…

Max: The government loses money.

99: Right.

Max: Meaning higher taxes…[99 nods] …and pay cuts, which could potentially drive us out of business.

99: Bingo.

Max: That could be bad. Very bad. Thank God, Hymie’s back in town. He’ll get right on top of that diamond.

The scene changes to the front of man’s shirt, where rattling could be heard from inside. On closer inspection, we see it’s Hymie, the CONTROL robot. He and Maxine were walking through the airport and talking.

Maxine: It’s really great to see you again, Hymie.

Hymie: Sure, that’s what you say now. But what about last time? You never wrote, you never called…

Maxine: Hymie, I was in college. Things tend to get a little busy. And on top of that, trying to hide the fact that you’re a spy from your parents is equally hard, if not more challenging. [hearing noise] [stops]

Hymie: What’s wrong, Max?

Maxine: Did you hear that?

Hymie: I didn’t hear anything.

Maxine: [starts walking again] I guess…[hears noise again] There it is again.

Hymie: Maybe it’s something in the terminal, Max. If you describe the noise, I can do a search in my data banks.

Maxine: Nah. It’s no biggie.

We see the two leave the airport, but also spot a figure following them. The two get to the car and take off, followed by an unknown black sedan. While they drove, Maxine noticed they were being followed.

Maxine: [out rear view mirror] We’ve got company.

The two continued their cat and mouse game before the sedan started shooting.

Hymie: Max, try plan 34C.

Maxine: Right.

Maxine flipped down her glove compartment, which in actuality was an array of colored button and pushes the yellow one. From the back of her truck’s tail pipe came a gush of oil that causes the black sedan to skid and crash into a light pole.

Maxine: I do so love plan 34C.

The two head off to the Blue Skies Apartment, where the twins and Agent 66 lived. The plan was for Hymie to get settled in Zach’s apartment and then to stay at Maxine and 66’s while he went over to help hang lights with Max. Around 4:30pm, Zach was driving up his parents’ driveway, to see Max already on the roof and 99 watching from the ground.

Zach: (calling up to his father) See? I came early.

Max: Where’s Hymie?

Zach: He’s staying with the girls until I get back.

99: Good plan.

Zach: (to 99) I think so. [to Max] I’ll be up in a minute, Pop!

99: Boys, please be careful. I don’t want the same thing to happen like last year.

Max: 99, that was just a measure of circumstance. I was perfectly fine.

99: That’s not what the doctor said after he set your arm.

Zach: [on roof] Don’t worry, Mom. Dad and I are like panthers. Quick, able, and stealth. Us falling from this roof, is like a cat falling from a couch. We’ll land on our feet.

99: Yeah and I’m afraid your legs will be broken. Well, if you need anything, I’ll be inside. [goes inside]

Meanwhile, back at the girls’ apartment, Dr. Austin Parker had just stopped by.

Parker: So Hymie, what brings you back to CONTROL?

Hymie: My assignment is over, Dr. Parker. Hopefully CONTROL has room for an over the circuit cybernaught.

66: Of course, Hymie! CONTROL is an equal opportunity organization, no matter what your religion is. [Parker and Maxine look at her]

Maxine: Anyways, Hymie, we are glad you’re here. It seems the Ranlin Diamond has been stolen and might have turned up in the states.

Parker: You were in France before coming back, Hymie. Did you see or notice anyone suspicious?

Hymie: Yes. It was this man I was following. Tall, approximately 6 ft. 2 inches. Light brown hair, hazel eyes.

66: Is he a KAOS agent?

Hymie: I don’t think so. I updated my KAOS files and his picture and face do not appear in them.

Maxine: Maybe it was just a hired thug. You know, someone to steal the diamond for KAOS and hand it over. [Hymie pulls out his hand and hands it to Maxine] [to Hymie] Not you, Hymie.

Parker: Well, then if that’s true, he’ll be harder to find. [to Hymie] What happened after you followed him, Hymie?

Hymie: I don’t know.

66: You don’t know?

Hymie: I remember following him into a warehouse and then after that, my memory banks show that I was in my hotel room, packing.

Parker: You mean from the time you chased this guy, to the time you were packing is a total blank?

Hymie: Yes, sir.

Maxine: (to Parker and 66)That’s weird. Hymie doesn’t blank out like that unless someone was messing with his gears.

Parker: [to Hymie] Hymie, do you remember if anyone was inside of you?

Hymie: Not since my last check-up. And that was before I left.

Parker: Hmm. Hymie, if you don’t mind, I’d like to check to see if anything wrong is going on. [to Maxine] How long is your brother staying at the Chief’s?

Maxine: Until they get the lights hung up. And trust me, that could take all day and night.

Parker: Alright. Well, let’s swing by there to tell him. In fact, if your Dad has a small wrench and screwdriver set, I can check Hymie there.

Just then, shots rang out in the apartment.

Parker: [standing] What the…?

Another shot rings out, making Parker jump to the floor.

66: Who’s shooting at us?

Hymie: It seems to be coming from across the street in that hotel.

Maxine: Right. Let’s go! [starts, but is stopped by Parker]

Parker: Wait a minute, Max. What if those are the guys that tampered with Hymie’s gears? The first thing they’d want if for us to go across the street. I say we leave and head for the Chief’s

Hymie: I agree. We can always lose the KAOS men, but my memory banks are most important.

Maxine: Alright. It’s settled. We head for Mom and Dad’s and give those guys the slip!


Setting: The Blue Skies Apartment Complex. There were shots being fired from across the street at the hotel’s second floor. On the ground level, a gold and black Harley-Davidson Sportster roared out of the parking lot, followed by a small black porsche. After them, was a small blue convertible that went the opposite direction. They were being followed by another black sedan. The Sportster did it’s best as to not be hit with bullets from the porsche behind them.

The motorcycle did a quick U-turn and went back in the opposite direction. The blue convertible also turned around and started coming towards the motorcycle. It was a straight game of chicken and neither the
Sportster nor the convertible were going to turn back. Suddenly, before both would crash, the Sportster and the convertible peeled out of the way and the cars behind them crashed violently. The motorcycle, motor running pulled next to the convertible. When the driver removed his helmet we saw it was Parker and Maxine on the bike and 66 and Hymie in the convertible.

Parker: We’ll see you at the Chief’s!

The two teams drive off and in minutes, meet at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart. All four adults storm into the kitchen, where 99 is making holiday cookies.

99: [annoyed] Thank you for knocking.

Quartet: Sorry.

Maxine: Mom, where’s Dad?

99: He’s on the roof with your brother.

Suddenly, we hear a scream.

99: Correction. He WAS on the roof with your brother. He’s coming down now.

Just then, both Zach and Max walked in. Max was holding his side, while Zach helped him through the door.

Zach: It’s okay. He’s fine. He just missed the mattress by this much. [sees quartet] Hi gang. What’s up?

Parker: Chief, do you have a small screwdriver set?

Max: [in pain] Yeah. It’s outside.

Parker: [heading outside] Mind if I use it?

Max: [sarcastically] Well, I’m certainly not using it now.

99: What’re you using it for, Austin?

Parker: [coming in with set] I have check out Hymie.

Zach: What for?

Parker quickly takes Hymie into the living room and opens him up. Everyone else follows.

Maxine: There’s been something rattling me all morning. [Hymie reaches for her] Don’t, Hymie. It was just a figure of speech.

Max: Maxine, what’re you talking about?

Maxine: This morning, when I picked Hymie up, I noticed this rattling and I couldn’t figure out what it was. Then…

66: …then at our apartment, Hymie was telling us about this guy he chased in France, but now he doesn’t remember anything after that. So…

Parker: [looking through Hymie’s gears] …so I asked Hymie what happened and he said…

Hymie: …I don’t know.

Parker: Exactly. Then of a sudden…

Maxine: We were being shot at.

Trio: [confused] Shot at?

66: Shot at. Across the street.

Zach: And all I did was string up the lights.

Parker: Ah ha!

99: Find something?

Parker: Yeah. It feels like a rock or something. [Hymie laughs]

Max: Careful. He’s very ticklish.

Parker: [yanking] That did it!

Hymie: You got it out?

Parker: No. I’m stuck. My arm, that is. [pulls arm out] Well, look what I found.

In Parker’s hand was a very large diamond.

Parker: I’ll give you a 10:1 bet on what this is.

Zach: No way.

99: It can’t be!

Max: It is.

Everyone: The Ranlin Diamond!

Parker: Bingo.

Maxine: [to Hymie] Hymie, that blackout you had must’ve been whoever stole the diamond. They must’ve shut you off, hid the diamond, then erased your memory banks, so you wouldn’t know a thing about it and then bring the diamond over here.

Zach: That’s an ingenious plan. The thief must’ve figured we’d look everywhere for it…

99: Except in our own ranks.

66: Well, what do we do with it now?

Max: Well, chances are the crooks are trying to get to Hymie, so the best thing is to hide him out somewhere.

Maxine: What about the diamond, Dad?

Max: Here’s my plan. We keep the diamond and use Hymie as bait. That’ll lure the crooks out and we can capture them.

Hymie: There’s a part of that plan I don’t like, Max?

Max: [hurt] What part didn’t you like? Us keeping the diamond?

Hymie: No. I liked that part. That way, the crooks will never get it and it’ll safer in our own care.

99: The part where we use you as bait.

Hymie: No. I like that part, too. There’s no way the crooks will defeat me.

Maxine: The part where we capture the crooks?

Hymie: I love that part. That’s the best part of the plan.

Zach: Was it the unmentioned part where if the crooks realize you don’t have the diamond, they officially terminate you?

Hymie: That’s the part I don’t like.

Zach: Understandable.

Max: That’s not gonna happen, Hymie. Don’t worry. We’ll take good care of you.

Hymie: Sure, that’s what you say now, but what about then? It’s bad enough you never wrote, never called, missed all of my birthdays…

Max: [annoyed] Not this again.

The scene changes to Zachary Smart’s apartment. Hymie stood in the living room, dusting. Zach came downstairs and rolled his eyes when he saw what Hymie was doing.

Zach: [coming downstairs] Hymie, please stop cleaning my apartment. You’re almost as bad as Mom.

Hymie: A cleanly house is a happy house.

Zach: [annoyed] I’ll keep that in mind. Look, Hymie, why don’t you sit down and relax?

Hymie: How can I when at any minute I could be disassembled?

Zach: Hymie, trust me. That won’t happen. Dad has the whole complex surrounded. No one gets in or out of here without first going through the proper channels.

Hymie: [wiping away a tear] Gee, that’s sweet.

Zach: Well, look, Hymie, I’m going in the kitchen for some food.

Hymie: But you ate half and hour ago.

Zach: I’m a growing boy. A boy needs food, you know.

Zach goes into kitchen, while Hymie finishes dusting. Within minutes, there’s a knock at the door. Hymie answers.

Hymie: Yes?

Man: Hi. We’re the painters. The landlord hired us to repaint the apartments and it looks like this apartment’s job is today.

Hymie: Come right in. [lets men inside] [to Zach] Zach, the painters are here.

The scene goes to the kitchen, where Zach is making a super hoagie hero.

Zach: [to self] Oh good, the painters are here. [looks up] [thinks] What painters? [taking sandwich] [leaving kitchen] Hey, Hymie, what painters…

Zach walks into the living room to find Hymie inactive and two men standing over him. They both turn and look at him and point their guns.

Man #1: Don’t move, Smart, or it’ll be your last.

Man #2: [takes sandwich] I’ll just take this off of your hands. [takes a bite] You won’t be needing it. Mmm…salami.

Man #1: [inside Hymie] All I have to do is just get that diamond. [pause]

Man #2: [eating] What’s wrong?

Man #1: It’s not here. [looks at Zach] Where’s that diamond, Smart?

Zach: And what makes you think I’d tell you? As a CONTROL agent, I have the dedication, the integrity, and the loyalty to all that is good and nice. The location of that diamond will never be revealed with these lips. [watches man eat his sandwich] Unless you consider giving me back my sandwich.

Man #1: [points gun at Zach’s head] Where’s that diamond?

Zach: You’ll get that diamond over my dead body! [gun is cocked] Which may be sooner than I think.


Setting: Zachary Smart’s apartment. Zach was staring down the barrel of a gun. The man was about to pull the trigger when the door opened.

Maxine: [gun pointed] Freeze!

The man whipped around and saw Max, Maxine, and 66 at the front door.

Max: [holding up diamond] Looking for this?

The man is about to shoot at Max, when Maxine fired her weapon, hitting the man in the hand and making him drop his weapon. The second man drops the sandwich on the floor and put his hands up. 66 went over and pushed Hymie’s on switch.

Hymie: Thanks, 66. I needed that.

Maxine: Aberson, Evers, take these guys away. [men came and got bad guys and took them away]

Max: Zach, are you alright?

Zach: Fine, Pop. You know, guys like that make me sick. Especially that little guy. He made the worst mistake possible.

66: He messed with TS?

Zach: [mad] He took a bite out of my sandwich.

Maxine: [sarcastically] Well, send him to the chair! [dirty look from Zach]

Hymie: [picking up sandwich] I agree. He made a big mess. And I just vacuumed this morning.

Max: [annoyed] It’s nice to have you back, Hymie.

Hymie: Sure. I’ve heard that before, but did you write or call? No. You missed all my birthdays and holidays…I never got a card. And you missed…

Everyone is a tad bit annoyed and the scene soon switches to the front lawn of the Smarts’ house. Max carried a small remote that was connected to the lights that he and Zach just put up.

Max: Okay. This should be great. I had this fantastic idea. By borrowing some of the CONTROL lights and just fooling around with them, not only will the lights say, “Merry Christmas”, but they’ll blink on command or stay lit on command AND in case we’re in trouble, it does Morse code.

Maxine: Wow, Dad. You and Zach really outdid yourselves this year.

Max: Okay. Everyone ready? [everyone nods] Shades on. [everyone puts on their shades] Here we go.

Max pushes his small red button and a burst of light comes from the outside of the house, so blinding, the shades don’t protect them and they have to cover their eyes.

99: That’s awfully bright, Max.

Zach: Well, we did use a couple of the lights from the Magna Lamp, I mean, as long as we weren’t using it and all.

Maxine: This…this is just…just great, Dad. You can turn it off, Dad.

99: Max, turn it off!

Max: I wish I could. I dropped the switch. Can anyone see it?

99: Max, I can’t even see you.

Max: I’m standing next to you. [pause] I think. Here. Give me your hand, 99.

Maxine: That’s my hand, Dad.

Max: Sorry.

Zach: Here, Dad. I’ll take your hand, then you can see where I am, cause I think I found the switch. [takes hand] Gee, Dad. Your hands are all nice and soft. Have you been moisturizing?

Maxine: Quit it.