The Rose of Another Zach
SETTING: KAOS high command. Conrad Siegfried, Jr. sits at his desk, trying to be calm. In front of him are three agents, waiting nervously for Junior to say something. On Junior’s right is his Uncle Shtarker. Junior sits there quietly as Shtarker talks.
Shtarker: Do you have any idea how upset you’ve made Commander Siegfried? Any idea at all? He is not pleased that you have once again fouled up in your mission to obtain the Ruther Plans from CONTROL.
Agent 1: We tried, but…
Junior: [looking up from desk] But? What but? This is KAOS. We don’t “but” here.
Shtarker: But? What but? This is KAOS, we don’t…
Junior: [looking at Shtarker] Shtarker, I just said that.
Shtarker: [whispering to Jr.] Yes, I know, but I was repeating it for the effect.
Junior: Shtarker, this is KAOS. We don’t repeat here. [to the agents] How can you be…so…STUPID! [rising from chair] I send you out on one little assignment. One. ONE! I send three of you for ONE assignment. Explain to me again why I do not have the Ruther plans on my desk at this precise time.
Agent 2: It’s that Zachary Smart! He was on guard duty when we got there. Be surprised we got back in one piece.
Junior: I think you will want him to kill you, after I BEAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOU!! Dumkoffs! Idiots! Morons! [pauses] Sissies! Get out of my office. Snell, move, get out of MY OFFICE!!!! [sits back down and leans back] [sighs] [sits back up] Shtarker, when my father put me in charge of KAOS headquarters, I promised him I would make some major changes in the way we do things here. [pauses] How…can…I run a business…when I have idiots working for me!? And don’t get me started on that Maxwell Smart and his team.
Shtarker: I think maybe we should get rid of them.
Junior: [sarcastically] Oh, you think we should get rid of them? What a marvelous idea. And to think, here I am, trying to climb my way up the KAOS ladder, to finally become head of KAOS and that thought never even once crossed my mind. [angrily] What exactly do I do here all day? Play Tidily Winks? Huh? Of course, perhaps we should get rid of them! They’re holding up production. [calmer] I think I have an
idea though. First, I need to know where Zachary Smart is.
Else where, Zachary Smart is having lunch with his partner, Agent 66, at the Royal Gardens.
66: It was nice of you to treat me to lunch today, Zach.
Zach: [getting napkin] Think nothing of it. We did a great job on our last case and so I figured I’d treat us to a big lunch.
66: I’m glad this has nothing to do with the raise we got afterwards. [Zach smiles]
Zach: Of course not, babe. In fact, this raise is helping pay for this wonderful lunch. [leaning over to 66] And maybe dinner.
66: [smiling] Play your cards right, Smart.
Halfway into eating their lunch, Zach got a call on his shoephone.
66: [woefully] Zach…
Zach: I know, I know. Look, I’ll be right back.
Zach gets up and heads for the phone booths. He enters one and starts to remove his shoe, with great difficulty. He finally gets his shoe off, takes off the bottom soul and answers.
Zach: This is Zachary Smart, Agent 78.
Max: Sorry to bother you at your lunch hour, Zach, but this is of great importance.
Zach: Oh, hi, Dad. [sarcastically] Bothering me? No, no. Just cause I was having a romantic lunch with Agent 66, think nothing of it.
Max: I’m glad you’re not bitter. Look, Zach, I need you and 66 to get down here quick. We just had a call from Conrad Siegfried, Jr.
Zach: [surprised] Junior! We’ll be right there. [hangs up]
As Zach is hanging up his shoe phone, there’s a call in the phone booth he’s in. He thinks nothing of it and answers.
Operator: I have a collect call for a Mr. Arnold Zimmerman.
Zach: I’m sorry, operator, but there’s no Arnold here.
Operator: Please, sir, this caller is very impatient and needs to talk to an Arnold Zimmerman.
Zach: Yeah, but operator there’s…
Operator: I’ll have to patch the call through, sir.
Zach: But, operator, I…
Woman’s Voice: Arnold? Arnold, honey is that you?
Zach: I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m not Arnold. I was trying to tell the operator…
WV: Where’s my Arnold? I’m calling from California, you know! Go get him!
Zach: But I…
After arguing for another couple of minutes, Zach opens the phone booth door and peeks his head out.
Zach: Is there an Arnold Zimmerman in the house?
Arnold: I’m Arnold Zimmerman.
Zach: [showing him the phone] Phone!
THE NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!
Setting: CONTROL headquarters. Max, Zach, and 66 stood in Max’s office, reading over a note sent by Junior.
66: I guess I don’t really understand, Chief. What does Junior have in mind?
Max: 66, the Ruther Plans are the most top-secretive plans being kept in the Pentagon. So top-secret, I don’t even know what they’re for.
Zach: So wait. Are you telling me I’ve been guarding a top-secret file all day that may or may not be important? What’s the point of guarding them if no one knows what they’re for?
Max: The President knows what they’re for. So do our whole military operations. We just don’t know what they’re for. Anyway, Junior and KAOS wants those plans and he says if we don’t give them to him, he’ll just take them.
66: But Chief that’s impossible. First off, the Pentagon is highly secured area. No one gets in or out without proper authorization. And even if they do get in, they wouldn’t stand a chance against the guards.
Zach: Right. And besides, Pop, I’m standing guard for the rest of the day. No one’s getting past me.
Max: I’m glad to hear that, son, but just for precaution, I think I’ll add another guard to that station. Just down the hallway. What time are you going back, Zach?
Zach: Well, I told the guard my lunch hour would be for about an hour and half to two hours.
Max: You took an hour and a half hour lunch break? Why?
Zach: [looks at 66, then Max] I told you, Pop. I was having a romantic lunch. [66 blushes] But you called, so that shortened it a little. [looking at watch] I actually have to be back in about thirty minutes.
Max: Alright. Make sure you’re on your guard, Zachary. Junior’s just as bad as his father.
Zach: Believe me, Dad, I’ve had many run-ins with Conrad, Jr. I’ll be on my guard, don’t worry. [to 66] C’mon, Trace. I’ll drive you home.
Zach and 66 leave Max’s office and head for the elevator. In the KAOS high command office, Junior was on the phone, very excited indeed.
Junior: [phone] Yes, yes. That’s perfect. What’s that? He is, huh? Well, for this plan to work, make sure he doesn’t leave his apartment building. No, no, I’ve already seen him. Tell him to proceed as planned. By this afternoon, Zachary Smart will either be in jail or dead. [laughs]
Back at the Sky Terrace Apartments, Zach is saying goodbye to 66.
Zach: I don’t think I’ll be able to keep that dinner date tonight. Not with me standing in front of a door all night.
66: Well, as a spy, your duty is to protect those plans. It’s okay, we’ll make it for tomorrow, okay?
66: Zach… be careful.
Zach: [smiling] Ooh. Worried, are you?
66: I’m not worried. I’ve just…gotten use to you, that’s all.
Zach: [laughs] Well, I’ll be fine cause you care about me so much. Bye bye…sugar. [starts to leave]
66: Zach…[Zach turns around] [kisses him] Don’t call me sugar. [closes door]
Zach smiles, leaves and heads downstairs to his car. He starts off, but only gets about two blocks before he cars starts to sputter. He looks at his gauges and sees that he is out of gas.
Zach: Out of gas?!
Zach sits there and wonders what happened to his gas line, seeing as he had filled the tank just that morning. A short time later, Zach arrives at the Pentagon. The guards let him and he walks down to his post. He takes out the key from his pocket and unlocks the door. He enters the room and closes the door. He walks over to the large cabinet by the opposite wall and starts to look for something. Finding a
manila folder, he quickly leafs through it and finds it’s the one he needs. He places the folder in his jacket and casually walks out and stands at the door. Another agent walks by to see if everything is alright.
Agent: Hello, 78.
Agent: Everything alright?
Zach: Fine. Actually, 39, I was wondering if it would be possible if you could take my place. See, I…uh, have a date with Agent 66 tonight and I’d like to get things…prettied up, if you know what I mean.
39: Of course, Zach. I’ll just tell the Chief you had an emergency to attend to. You know, 66 is a nice girl. You two make a cute couple.
Zach: I like to think so. Thanks, 39. I owe you one. [leaves]
At CONTROL headquarters, Max is pacing back and forth in front of his desk, while Agent 99 sits on the
edge of the desk, trying to calm her husband down.
99: Max, please stop pacing the floor. You’re going to put a hole in it.
Max: 99, do you not see the importance of this? Zach could be in a lot of trouble and I would think, as his mother, you’d be a little more excited about this. [just then Zach walks through the door]
Zach: Dad, I’m sorry I’m late, but…
Max: Alright, Zachary, where is it?
Zach: [looking around] Where’s what?
Max: Oh, like you don’t know! [continues pacing]
Zach: [confused] Uh, this is news to me. Are you upset at something, Dad?
Max: You have no idea what kind of trouble you’re in, do you? Do you have any idea what this will do to your career? Zach, Zachary, tell me the truth. What did you do with them?
Zach: Dad, in all honesty, I haven’t the foggiest notion of what you’re talking about.
99: Zach, are you saying you don’t know what’s happened?
Zach: I haven’t a clue! I’ve been trying to get my car to start for the last half-hour!
Max: So you weren’t at your post today?
Zach: I couldn’t! That’s why I came here. I wanted to tell you to have Agent 39 cover me until I got there. Why? What happened?
Max: Zach, the Ruther plans were stolen today.
Zach: Oh no! By who?
Max & 99: You.
Zach stood there, ultimately confused and totally shocked!
Setting: CONTROL headquarters. Max and 99 have just informed Zach that he’s the culprit behind the stolen Ruther plans.
Zach: [shocked] Me!? But how can I steal the Ruther plans if I was getting gas in my car?
Max: I don’t know, Zach, you tell me.
99: Zach, tell us everything that happened after you left today.
Zach: Well, I left here with Agent 66 and I dropped her off at the apartment. Then I went back downstairs and got in my car. I hadn’t even gone two blocks before I ran out of gas.
Max: [suspicious] You ran out of gas?
Zach: Yeah and that’s the strange thing. I filled that tank before I got to work this morning. I finally found the problem. My gas line had been cut. So I had to push my car to the nearest service station. Then I came here.
Max: Well, Zach, I have to say that’s a hard story to swallow.
99: There are several witnesses that say they saw you at the Pentagon this afternoon. Agent 39 just called to say you had an emergency to take care of. After he discovered the theft, he told us the real story of why you left.
Max: He said you and 66 were having dinner tonight and you were going to get ready. When he went in to check the files, the Ruther Plans were gone.
Zach: [chuckling] Well, you don’t really think…[looks from Max and 99] Now, wait a minute! I didn’t steal those plans! I’ll prove it to you. Call 66. I told her we couldn’t have dinner tonight because I’d be standing watch all night. Just call her.
Max: Alright, Zach. [picks up phone and dials] [pause] No answer. [hangs up]
99: Zachary, tell us the truth. I’m sure if you just hand over the plans, you won’t be handled too harshly.
Zach: [angered] You know, I really don’t care if no one else believes me, but you’d think my own parents would!
Max: [calmly] Alright, Zach, alright. You say you didn’t take the plans, okay. But if you didn’t, someone else did.
Zach: Mom, Dad, I swear to you. I did not take those plans. I was nowhere in the vicinity of the Pentagon today.
99: Zach, if you didn’t take those plans, there’s someone in this city posing as you who did. And if we don’t find who that someone is, you’re going to be a lot of trouble.
In order to take Zach’s mind off things, Max and 99 decide to treat Zach to dinner later that evening at the Royal Gardens. Picking a booth by the window, the three quickly order and then get started on the theft of the plans.
Max: In any case, we know that KAOS is definitely behind this.
Zach: [depressed] If we can prove that. Listen, what’ll happen if…if I have to answer to these charges?
Max: Well, the really big thing would be that you’d be sentenced to some…serious hard time.
Zach: [shocked] What’s the small thing?
Max: You’ll be on suspension. Permanently.
Zach: You mean I’ll be fired. [sadly] I’ll never work as a counter intelligence agent again.
Max: Don’t worry, Zach, we’ll get to the bottom of this. Won’t we, 99? [looks at 99] 99?
99 had been staring at a table across the way and had a rather confused look on her face.
Zach: Something wrong, Mom?
99: What if I told you that something that was supposed to be here, was somewhere else? But at the same time, that something was here? What would you say to that?
Zach: I’d say you’ve been drinking.
Max: What do you mean, 99?
99: Well, see that table across the way?
99: Agent 66 is at that table.
Zach: With some other guy? [more depressed] I’d rather be in jail.
99: But Zach, that’s just it. The other guy she’s sitting and talking and flirting with…is you.
Zach: [sarcastically] Don’t comfort me, Mom.
Max: No, Zach, she’s right. [Zach goes to look, but is stopped by Max] Don’t look. This may be the answer to everything.
99: What are you thinking, Max?
Max: 99, how is it possible that Zach is sitting here with us, but is also having dinner with 66? Or be in the Pentagon stealing the Ruther plans, but also fixing his car?
99: [snapping her fingers] Of course!
Both: The League of Imposters!
Zach: [looking at both of them] Involve me in this conversation.
Max: That would explain everything!
Zach: Let’s focus back on me. Who’s the League of Imposters?
Max: The League of Imposters is a section of KAOS. They are masters of disguise and can impersonate anyone.
Zach: Dad, I find that hard to believe.
99: Would you believe they impersonated Johnny Carson for about two years? [confused look from Zach]
Max: How bout Jay Leno?
Zach: I might believe that. So, what you’re saying is…the League of Imposters is responsible for this?
99: That would explain it, but of course you’ll need witnesses who can vouch for you that you were indeed at that gas station.
Zach: I think I can, but it won’t be very good. The attendant never really saw me. I was in such a rush to get to CONTROL, that he may or may not have seen me.
Zach casually looks over at 66’s table to see her kissing his double. Enraged with jealousy, Zach tries to get up and go over to the table, but is quickly stopped by Max and 99.
Zach: But, Dad!
Max: I have a plan, but for it to work, that imposter has got to think you have no idea of what’s happening.
Zach: [distressed] So, you want me…to sit here…and watch him kiss …my …very …good …friend?
Max: Something like that. Look, this is what we’ll do. We’ll wait till they leave, I’ll have Max follow them. Then we will cleverly catch the imposter.
Zach: [calmer] How?
Max: If KAOS is smart, they’ll try and use this advantage, right? They may kill you and have this guy take your place, which would be great in a way.
Zach: [shocked] My death would make you happy? Haven’t I suffered enough today, Dad?
Max: [annoyed] They aren’t going to kill you. I’ll make sure of that. I’m saying, that in any case, their next target would be try and get the imposter into CONTROL headquarters. Well, we’re going to let them do just that. Then we’ll have the imposter and clear this whole thing up.
Zach: Sounds like a good plan.
Max: It’s a great plan. And it’ll work too. Let me call your sister and have her wait outside and follow them. [getting up] [to 99] Make sure he doesn’t do anything.
Max left the booth and went to the pay phones. He looked around cautiously and began trying to take his
shoe phone off. Being successful, he quickly dials his daughter, Agent 24.
Maxine: You want me to follow Zach and 66 around? Dad, isn’t that a little weird?
Max: I’ll explain later, Max. Just meet us at the Royal Gardens restaurant in a couple of minutes. [hangs up]
As Max puts his shoe back on, the other phone rings.
Max: [answering] Hello?
Operator: I have an important call for an Arnold Zimmerman.
Max: Who? I’m sorry, operator, but there’s no Arn…
WV: Arnie, is that you, honey?
Max: Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I’m not Arnold. Sorry. [hangs up]
Max steps out of the phone booth and runs into another man.
Man: Oh, excuse me, sir.
Max: Quite alright.
Man: Excuse me, sir, but was there a call for me?
Max: Are you Arnold Zimmerman?
Man: Yes I am.
Max: The operator wants to speak to you. [leaves]
Max goes back to the table and sees that Zach is about ready to go on a rampage.
99: Glad you came back.
Max: [sitting down] [to Zach] Max is on her way. After they leave, you stay with us. I don’t want to take any chances with you. And besides, this way you’ll stay out of trouble.
Zach: [sarcastically] I’m already in enough trouble. So will the guy who’s sitting with Agent 66.
Max: [sarcastically] I’m glad you have your priorities straight. [glancing at table] Hey, they’re leaving. [to Zach] Don’t move. [Zach sits back in his seat]
Agent 66 and the other Zach get up and leave and head for the door and walk out. Just then, 99’s cell phone starts to ring and she answers.
99: Hello? Just a minute. [hands phone to Max] It’s Maxine.
Max: [taking phone] Why didn’t you call me? [pause] Oh, right. Good idea. Where are you? Yeah. Good, Max. Don’t stop following until they get home. [pause] I’ll explain later, Max, but just know that the person you believe is your brother isn’t really. [pause] No, you are not right, Maxine, Zach is not adopted. [evil look from Zach][annoyed] Nor was he left on the doorstep…Maxine! [pause] Thank you. Be at work early tomorrow, okay? Alright. Goodbye. [hangs up][hands phone back to 99]
Zach: What do we do now?
Max: We wait. With any luck, your sister will find a way to get your double into CONTROL headquarters tomorrow.
Setting: CONTROL headquarters the next day. Max, Maxine, 99, and Parker are waiting for the arrival of one or both Zachary Smarts.
Parker: Chief, are you sure both Zachs will show up today?
Max: I’m positive of it. The real Zach gets here at 8:15am everyday. He’s never on time. The imposter Zach will get here just to be in CONTROL headquarters. And if it’s evident from dinner last night, Agent 66 will be bringing him to work.
Just as Max predicted, Zach’s black firebird pulled into the garage of CONTROL headquarters. On the other side of the garage, 66’s blue convertible came in with Zach as her passenger. As one Zach quickly ran towards the elevator, 66 and another Zach pulled into a parking space next to 99’s jeep.
66: [looking at jeep] Your mom’s here early.
Zach: [also looking at jeep] Yeah. I guess Dad got a ride this morning. [to 66] Well, darling, I’ll see you up there. [kisses her goodbye and gets out car]
Zach takes a couple of steps toward the elevator, turns to see where 66 is and quickly ducks into one of the dark hallways. He looks around and flips his watch face up and begins to dial. The scene goes to KAOS high command where Junior and Shtarker are waiting for a call.
Shtarker: [answering phone] Hello? Oh hello Franz. Yes, I’ll put you through. [handing the phone to Junior] Our favorite Smart. [laughs]
Junior: [taking phone] Hello, Franz. Where are you?
Franz: I’m in the parking garage of CONTROL headquarters.
Junior: Excellent. Does anyone suspect?
Franz: Not at all. In fact, I’ve even got Smart’s girlfriend charmed. [laughs]
Junior: Wonderful, Franz. Wonderful. Now look, when you get in to CONTROL, you will be playing your best role since Ed Bradley for that 60 Minutes special. Good job, by the way. I really believed you to be Ed Bradley. But, to digress, you have to make sure everyone believes you are Zachary Smart, especially his parents. Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart are no strangers to the League of Imposters. But if you go over with
them, KAOS will have them right where we want them. Dead!
Franz: Don’t worry, Heir Siegfried. I will not fail. [hangs up]
After hanging up, the other Zach continues toward the entrance to CONTROL. In the Chief’s office, the first Zach arrived, a bit earlier than usual.
Zach: [out of breath] I’m here! I’m here. [taking deep breaths]
Max: Morning, Zach. You’re here early.
Zach: I am? [looks at watch] Yes! I’m a whole five minutes early!
Max: Yes, but you’re a whole ten minutes late. As usual.
Zach: Yes, but I can explain. See, what happened was…
Max: Forget it, Zach. Do me a favor. Trudi left to do an errand and she has one of the files out on her desk somewhere, go get it for me.
Zach: If it’s on Trudi’s desk, you won’t be hearing from me for days.
Max: [annoyed] Zach…
Zach: I’m going, I’m going. [leaves]
Zach is searching everywhere under piles and piles of papers and folders on Trudi’s desk. As he searches, one of the files falls under the desk and Zach goes under to go get it, just as 66 and the other Zach walk in through the elevator door, holding hands. They go into the Chief’s office.
66: [smiling] Morning all!
Max: Well, it’s nice that the two of you could get here. [sarcastically] And only fifteen minutes late, too.
Zach: Sorry, Pop, but we can explain. See, it all started when…
99: Zach, never mind. Look, do me a favor. I think I lost a ring on the steps from the lab. Go see if you can find it for me.
Max: And make it quick.
Zach: Sure. [walks over to the secret entrance of the lab and opens the door.] Awfully dark down there.
Maxine: Then turn the lights on. [Zach goes downstairs and the door closes as the other Zach comes through the door]
Zach: I found it, Pop. It was under weeks and weeks of work.
66: How did you do that?
Zach: How did I do what? [realizing who he’s talking to do] Wait, I’m not talking to you!
66: [hurt] What? Why?
Zach: Ooohhh, like you don’t know! Don’t touch me either.
66: You weren’t saying that this morning.
Zach: [mouth drops open] Oohh. How can you break my heart like this?
66: What’re you talking about?
Just then the other Zach came up from the lab.
Zach 1: Mom, I didn’t find anything, but I’ll look… [sees double] [pulls out gun] Move away, very slowly.
Zach 2: [also pulling gun] No, you move very slowly. Throw that gun over here.
66: [looks at Zach on her left] Zach? [looks at Zach on her right] Zach? Two Zachs? This is going to be very complicated.
Max: Both of you put your guns away and come over here. [both Zachs put away their guns and stand side by side]
Parker: Amazing. Two Zachary Smarts, exactly the same.
Zach 1: What’s the meaning of this?
Zach 2: Oh, as if you didn’t know!
Max: Zach! [looking back between both of them] It’s very simple. One of you is a KAOS agent and a thief. The other is the real Zachary Smart.
Parker: But Chief, which Zach is the real one?
Max: Parker, that answer is very simple. Any father can tell who his real son is. [pointing to the one on the left] It’s that one. That’s the real Zach.
Zach 1: [on right] Dad!
Max: Oh. No, it’s that one. [points to the one on his right]
Zach 2: [on left] Dad!
Max: [looking back at both Zachs] [sees everyone looking at him] Okay, so I can’t tell my own son apart from my own son’s double! But if he was in a crowd of people who didn’t look like him, boy, I’d tag him!
Maxine: Well, how are we going to tell them apart then?
Max: Well…Zach’s supposed to go up against a committee tomorrow for trial. We’ll just put both on trial and decide who the real Zach is.
99: So whoever the fake Zach is will stand trial for the theft of the Ruther Plans.
Max: Right. We’ll just make some changes to the committee. Max, I want you and 66 to be on the committee and I’ll just step down and replace myself as assistant head.
Zach 2: Wait a minute! Why don’t we just solve this now? I know I’m the real Zach!
Zach 1: He’s lying, Dad. I’m the real Zach. Ask Tracie. [looking at Zach 2] She’ll vouch for me.
Zach 2: [angered] Why you dirty…
In an instant, Zach number 2 had hit Zach number 1. A large fight insued until Parker restrained one of the Zachs with a sedative. That Zach immediately passed out and fell on the floor.
Zach 1 or 2: Thanks, Parker. Do you see? Did you see that? That Zach tried to kill me!
Max: That doesn’t mean anything, Zach. That could easily be the real Zach.
Zach: Well, thank you very much! I would hope my own parents would believe that I was the real Zach, which of course, I am.
Maxine: In any case, what do we do with our tale of two Zachs?
Max: We’ll have to put them in custody, I guess. Parker, you know what to do.
Parker: Right, Chief.
Parker stuck the other Zach with the needle holding the sedative. He instantly passed out and hit the floor. Everyone looked at him, then at Parker.
Max: [annoyed] Parker…was that REALLY necessary?
Parker: What? They’re docile! No fighting! Everyone’s happy! [looks from everyone] Alright, I’m happy.
The scene moves to the next day, at the Trial/Hearing of Zachary Smart. Seated on the panel were Gen. H. James Turtle, next to him was Senator Wesley Brook, next to him was Agent 24, Maxine Smart, sister of the defendant, next to her was Senator Fredric Straussmen, and at the end was Agent 66, the defendant’s partner.
Across from them sat two Zachary Thomas Smarts. Over by the far right wall stood Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart, parents of the defendant. Senator Brook started the proceedings.
Brook: Well, I’m sure we’ve all been introduced, so let’s proceed. Zachary Thomas Smart, you are here today to first, prove which one of you is truly the real Zachary Smart and two, bring the fake to trial as a government thief. So, let’s get the questions started, shall we? Gen. Turtle, if you’ll start us off.
Turtle: Smart #1, how much money in damages did you pay to CONTROL last year?
Zach 1: You want an actual total?
Turtle: Yes, sir.
Zach 1: $984.54.
Turtle: Smart #2, same question.
Zach 2: Ummm, do you want the total that you already know or the damages you don’t? [smiling]
Straussmen: Please answer the question at hand, Mr. Smart.
Zach 2: $984.54.
Straussmen: Smart #2, what was the reason you took a five-week absence last month while on a case?
Zach 2: [hesitant] Well, that’s a long story indeed…probably too long, but I’ll tell the short version of it. I had…a slight accident and I was put on leave as not to…hurt myself again.
Brook: And what was the nature of this accident?
Zach 2: I’d rather not say. It’s of a personal nature.
Straussmen: Smart #1, perhaps you can shed some light on this.
Zach 1: Certainly. In so many words, I caused personal injury to myself by…pulling a muscle. So I went on leave. [looks at Zach 2]
The hearing continued with the asking of professional questions. The panel took a short break and let the defendants have counsel, so to speak. Max and 99 went to talk to one Zach, while 66 was talking to the other Zach.
Zach: Well, that’s it. [motioning towards 66] She thinks that’s the real Zach. If everyone sides with her, I’m in a lot of trouble.
99: Zach, don’t worry. You still have your sister on the panel.
Zach: [looking at 99] I’m dead. I’m going to jail.
Max: Look, the most important thing is to not lose your temper.
Zach: Lose my temper? Dad, I’m the most docile person in the world! What could possibly make me lose my temper?
Zach casually looked over and saw 66 kissing the other Zach.
Zach: [getting out of chair] Excuse me for a moment.
Zach walked over to the couple and tapped the other Zach on the shoulder.
Zach 2: Sorry to…bother you, but I felt compelled to come over and give you this present I have for you. You know, no hard feelings. Bury the hatchet.
Zach 1: Hey, that’s nice. Well, where is it?
Zach 2: Oh you want it now?
Zach 1: Yeah I want it now. Give it to me.
Zach 2: You’re sure? Cause once I give it to you, you can’t give it back.
Zach 1: I said let me have it!
Zach 2: Alright.
Zach number two once again hit Zach number one knocking him down. Zach number two was restrained, again, but by two guards by the door. He was led back to his seat and made to sit there, while Zach number one was helped to his feet and placed in his chair.
Zach 2: He did ask for it. He begged and pleaded for it and I gave it to him. [to Zach 1] And no hit backs!
The panel came back and took their seats to begin the second part on the hearing. Maxine started off.
Maxine: Smart #2, what happened to my Mr. Fuzzy Bunny when we were kids?
Zach 2: [hesitant] I can’t answer that question.
66: Why not?
Zach 1: Cause he’s not the real Zachary Smart.
Zach 2: [to Zach 1] Want another present from me? Shut up!
Brook: Mr. Smart, all questions must be answered before this panel.
Zach 2: That doll had an accident.
Maxine: What kind of accident?
Zach 2: It…flew off the roof of our house.
Maxine: You mean it was THROWN off of the roof of our house!
Zach 2: I never threw it. It…fell a little.
66: A minute ago, you said it flew.
Zach 2: Flew, fell, what’s the difference?
Maxine: The difference is the fact that was my favorite doll!
Brook: Order! Order! Agent 24, please stick to the facts.
Maxine: Sorry, sir. [addressing the Zachs] Zach #1, what is my most prized possession?
Zach 1: That would be your first marksmanship medal.
Maxine: Zach #2, same question.
Zach 2: The necklace that…a certain someone gave you. And I think in lew of our parents being here, I will refrain from revealing that name.
66: That’s not fair. All answers have to be answered. How do we even know if you’re right?
Zach 2: [sarcastically] You don’t, Max does.
Turtle: Let’s try and keep this on a professional level please. The judgement solely belongs with Agent 24. If she accepts his answer, we’ll move on. If not, Mr. Smart will have to elaborate.
Maxine: I accept the answer. [Zach laughs slightly and sticks his tongue out at 66]
66: Oh, shut up. You’re not even talking to me.
Turtle: Please. [looking at Zach and 66] Agent 66, you’re question.
66: Thank you. Smart #1, where were you on the night the Ruther plans had been stolen?
Zach 1: I was with you, having a romantic candlelight dinner. [Zach 2 rolls his eyes]
66: Same question, #2.
Zach: Having dinner with my parents.
66: Smart #1, do you remember the first time you kissed me?
Zach 1: Of course. It was last night at dinner, a night I will never forget.
Zach 2, who’s just sulking next to the romantic heartthrob of number 1, just hits him in the jaw. Zach 1, now having enough of this, also hits Zach 2 and the two once again are in a brawl. When they are finally separated, Zach 2 is handcuffed to his chair by the guards.
Brook: Mr. Smart, I assure you that there will be no more out bursts from you. Now, just sit there and answer the questions like a calm human being. Agent 66, please continue.
66: Smart #2, same question as answered by Zach # 1.
Zach: [angrily] I don’t kiss and tell, but apparently [looking at Zach 1] certain people in this room do! Yes, as a matter of fact, I do remember the first time I kissed you, but I highly doubt that you remember it yourself.
66: Mr. Smart…
Zach: Don’t talk to me!
Brook: I think the members of the panel have enough to vote, unless there are any other questions. [no questions from the panel] Well, then panel, in front of you is a small strip of paper. Please write down who you feel is the real Zachary Smart. When you’re done, pass them down to me and I will tally the numbers and give the results.
The panel didn’t take long on the decision and soon Brook had all the papers passed in to him. He looked them over and looked at each of the Zachs. He then stood up and made his announcement.
Brook: By unanimous vote, we the panel find that Smart number one is the real Zachary Smart.
The panel looked a little confused by the announcement and Maxine quickly looked at the ballots and found that Brook was lying.
Brook: [gun drawn] For the penalty of impersonating a government agent and thus the theft of the Ruther plans, you are sentenced to die.
Maxine: [standing] Wait a minute!
Turtle: [gun against Maxine’s side] Hold it.
Brook: [gun on everyone] Nobody moves. [to Zach 1] Kill Smart!
Setting: The Hearing of Zachary Smart. Three KAOS agents had been revealed and the plan was to kill everyone. The real Zach had been handcuffed to the chair he was in by the guards to keep him restrained and now it would be his downfall.
Zach: You can’t kill me. How would you explain this?
Franz: Simple. Finding you guilty, you get enraged and pull a gun. In the shoot out, everyone is killed except for Brook, Turtle, and myself. Everyone will think I’ve killed the imposter and barely escaped death myself. No one will be the wiser. Goodbye, Mr. Smart. Consider this way of…burying the hatchet. [laughs]
Zach: You’ve got a terrible sense of humor. I’m so much more funnier than you are.
Zach kicked Franz in the knee causing him to drop the gun. Brook was there though and shot Zach as his chair rolled backwards into one of the guards. Acting fast, Straussmen knocked the gun from Turtle’s hand and punched him.
A shot rang out and Brook keeled over on the desk, dead. Max was ready to shoot the other Zach when he shot the gun from Max’s hand, but was immediately shot by Parker, who stood in the door.
The guards quickly got the handcuffs off of Zach and called an ambulance. 66 rushed over to Zach and hugged him, in which he immediately screamed in pain.
Zach: [in great pain] Don’t touch me. Please, don’t touch me.
99: Zach, are you alright?
Zach: [sarcastically] I’m fine. Pay no attention to the blood running down my arm. It’s just a scratch.
Parker: I found the real Gen. Turtle and Senator Brook tied up down the hall. Good thing I was coming by to see the results of the hearing.
Max: Well, all we have to do is find where the Ruther plans are and we can take these guys to jail.
Zach: How did you guys know I was really the real Zach?
Maxine: With that temper, how could we not?!
Zach: Oh ha ha. Yeah, that’s really funny.
Everyone starts to leave, as 66 helps Zach to the door.
Zach: Oh yeah, I’m not talking to you.
66: Zach, I really thought that was you I had dinner with. Do you really think I’d kiss another guy?
Zach: How did you know I was the real Zach? Seemed to me you had your mind made up about the imposter.
66: Oh, Zach, I knew you were the real Zach.
Zach: You what? And when did you realize this?
66: When I kissed the other Zach. No two people kiss the same, you know. I knew when I kissed him in the restaurant he wasn’t you. [pause] And the fact that I saw you in the Royal Gardens with your parents. [leaves]
Zach just stands there, thinking. He finally smiles and follows her out.
Zach: You love me, don’t you? You’ve finally faced facts and can’t live without me, can you?
THE ENDING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!!!!