KAOS in Control
“Have you seen Dad?”
Zach had been all over CONTROL headquarters, looking for his father. He had some big news to tell him and the man wasn’t around. He came back upstairs to the outer office and noticed Agent 22 was sitting at the front desk.
“22, have you seen my Dad?” Zach asked.
“Yeah, he just came in.” the agent replied. “He’s in his office.”
Zach hurried to the door, when he stopped and came back. “22, why are you sitting there?” he asked, confused as to why dumb Agent 22 was sitting at the front desk. “Isn’t that Trudi’s job?”
“Yes, this is Trudi’s job.” The agent mocked. Zach and 22 were known enemies at CONTROL and couldn’t stand to be around each other. “Trudi is on vacation, so being the gentlemen that I am, I told her I’d make sure her job wasn’t in jeopardy.”
“Your jobs are always in jeopardy, 22.” Zach replied, sarcastically. “Your both always in danger of being fired.”
Zach gave 22 a wicked smile, before running face first into the office door, which he had neglected to open.
22 started to laugh out loud at the bumbling rival to his right. Zach stared the man down, before noticing a water can near one of the plants (thank goodness for his mother suggesting flowers within the outer office). He walked over, picked up the can, walked over to Agent 22, and poured the water all over his head. That stopped his laughter. Zach silently laughed, as he walked into his father’s office.
“Dad!” Zach exclaimed, rushing over to the desk.
Max looked up in surprise. He had been going through his desk, looking for something. “What?” Max asked, in surprise and annoyance.
“Dad, you’re never gonna believe this!” Zach started, clearly excited.
“Well, maybe if you tell me what it is, I might believe you.”
“I found out what KAOS is up to.” Zach stood before his father, with a huge smile on his face.
Max, on the other hand, was completely shocked. Had the Smart brats figured out their plan before it even got off the ground? “What exactly did you find out?”
“Well,” Zach said, a tad bit miffed as to why his father hadn’t said, What a great job, son! or That’s why you’re my son, Zach. “I have my sources, you know. See, Agent 27 is missing and he went to go check out the KAOS warehouse. Well, he sent a message back saying…”
“Saying the warehouse was smuggling things out, right?” Max continued.
“Yeah!” Zach said, in awe. His Dad was so smart. “How’d you know that, Pop?”
“Because I was just down there.” Max said. “And I assure you, nothing is going on down there.”
Zach looked at his father in confusion. “Are…are you sure?” he asked. “I mean, I heard…”
“Well, you heard wrong, Zachary.” Max replied, very annoyed. He wanted to get this kid out of there, so he could continue looking through the Chief’s files. “I went down there myself, looked around, and didn’t see a thing. So I suggest you forget the whole thing. Is that clear?” Zach wasn’t sure as to what he should say.
“No buts, Zachary!” Max exclaimed, standing for effect.
“Alright, Pop.” Zach replied, a look of hurt and defeat on his face. It was very rare for Max to yell at him like that and the fact that Max didn’t even look sorry for doing it, hurt Zach even more.
Zach left the office, looking as though he was about to cry. Max watched the young man leave and a cruel and wicked smile crept across his face. The fun was just beginning.
“Hey there, Mrs. S!” called 22, to the beautiful woman who had walked into the outer office.
99 turned and saw the man behind the desk and recognized him to be Agent 22, almost a bad ladies man as Maxwell Smart thought himself to be. He would be her ace in the hole.
“Good morning, 22.” She said, walking towards the desk. She sat on the edge of his desk and crossed her legs. “How are you today?”
“I…uh…uh…” 22 was speechless. His eyes went back and forth to those beautiful blue eyes and luscious lips to the long legs that were crossed in front of him.
He’d always had a slight crush on 99…every man at CONTROL had a slight crush on the ex-agent
turned congresswoman…despite the fact she was another man’s wife, not to mention that man was their boss!
“I’m fine.” 22 managed to say, his voice jumping an octave. “And…and…and…and yourself?”
“Wonderful,” the woman replied, smiling seductively at him. “Just seeing you. Actually, 22, I was wondering if you could help me.” 99 got off the desk and bent over, so that she was looking into 22’s eyes.
22 nodded his head repeatedly, while trying to agree to the woman’s terms. “Sure, Mrs. Smart.”
“99,” 99 said, running her fingers through the agent’s hair. “Mrs. Smart is so…informal, constricting.”
“I agree.” 22 said, falling deeper and deeper into this woman’s charms. “What is it I can help you with…99?”
“Well, it so happens, I was supposed to meet someone today at the Pentagon, but I’ve forgotten where. Old age, I guess.” The woman smiled.
“Not with you, Mrs….I mean, 99.” 22 replied, giving the woman a debonair smile. “You have all the spirit and…” the agent did a quick eye sweep of 99 from top to bottom and back again. “…equipment of a twenty year old.”
99 laughed. “Oh 22, you’re so sweet.” She said, tracing the agent’s ear with her finger. “I was meeting
in the room where the Jones-Peters plans are being kept.”
“Oh, those new plans for the air force?” 22 asked, looking through the address book on the desk.
“Those are it.”
“They’re in the Lincoln Memorial room.” The agent replied, a large smile on his face.
“Thank you, 22.” 99 cooed. She then gave him a soft kiss on the lips, before sauntering out of the office and through the elevator doors. 22 sat back in his chair, watching the woman leave.
“I think I’m in love.”
Junior sat in his chair, while Shtarker waved a rather large leaf over his commander’s head. “You know, Shtarker,” Junior said, leaning back in his chair and sipping on a large ice tea, with lemon.
“Sometimes… sometimes I worry about the future of KAOS. I sit here at my desk, dispatching agents to do my bidding, and always coming up short. But then…then there are those times when the plan works. And I no longer worry about KAOS. It’s those times when I sit back and relax.”
“I know, Mien Heir,” Shtarker said, waving the large leaf. “When things go good, I say to my self, ‘Self, things are going good’ and then I too relax cause you are relaxed.”
Junior looked up at his lackey. The one thing he hadn’t asked for from his father was Shtarker. “Thank you, Shtarker.” Junior replied, trying to hide his annoyed look at the man. “You’re such a big help.”
“Danka, Mien Heir.” Shtarker said, a stupid grin coming across his face. “I didn’t spend those six years in school for nothing you know.”
Junior nodded, finally knowing at least one factor of the man’s stupidity. “That would explain it.” The intercom on Junior’s desk started to buzz and Shtarker quickly went over to answer it.
“Commander Conrad Von Siegfried’s office.” He said.
“KAOS high command is on the televiewer.” Replied the voice.
“Should I patch them through?”
“Of course, you big dummy!” Shtarker exclaimed. Sometimes he couldn’t believe the idiocy in the organization.
Both Junior and Shtarker straightened up and Junior gave the signal to Shtarker to turn on the monitor. The picture came on and it was that of a familiar face. “Conrad!” said the man, clearly a tad bit upset.
“Good morning, Dad. How is everything going?” Junior replied, a grin on his face. The grin quickly disappeared when his father’s answer came back.
“Horrible!” Siegfried replied. “Your mother and I were taking a lovely vacation when I get a call from my office saying KAOS has spent one million dollars. What is that money for, Conrad?”
“Relax, Dad.” Junior said, hoping his news would cheer his father up. “The money was that of a payment fee. You’ll never guess who I got to impersonate Maxwell Smart and Agent 99.”
“The Andrews Sisters.” Siegfried said, sarcastically.
“Good guess, sir, but no. I got none other than Vance and Victoria Neil.”
“The hitman and the seductress?” Siegfried asked in surprise.
“Heard of them, have you?” Junior replied, smugly. He took a sip of his ice tea and snapped for Shtarker to get him another.
“Heard of them? They are the deadliest killers on five continents!”
“And I’ve got them.” Junior said. “Dad, as we speak, Vance and Vicki are literally tearing CONTROL and Congress apart information wise. Their instructions are to get as much information possible, driving CONTROL out of business and then killing the rest of Team Smart.”
“I must say, Conrad, that’s certainly an interesting plan you have.” Siegfried said. He knew there was a reason for handing over leadership to his son. “I hope for your sake, it works.”
“Oh, it’ll work, Dad.” Junior said, a high amount of intensity and desire in his eyes. “I assure you of
“Everything seems to be under control, but tell me something. If Vance and Victoria Neil are at CONTROL
and the Congress building, where then are the real Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell Smart?”
99 was gently shaking Max, trying to revive him. Max woke up with a start and saw his wife standing over him.
“Oh 99,” Max said, taking deep breaths. “I had the worst dream. I dreamt that stupid Junior had lured us to their KAOS warehouse and then these two people who looked like us, I mean really looked like us, stood there and smiled while you and I were knocked unconscious. I mean, how rude!”
“I mean, how very very incredibly rude!” Max continued.
“I mean, really, 99. If I was a double of you, do you think that I would stand there and smile as you got knocked out? Certainly not!”
“Max!” 99 exclaimed, trying to get her husband’s attention.
“I’m trying to tell you that everything happened.” She said.
“Huh?” Max asked in confusion.
“Everything you just said happened. Junior really did lure us to his KAOS warehouse and there really were two people who were are exact doubles and they really did smile while Junior’s men knocked us unconscious.”
“Oh.” Max said, finally realizing that his dream was no dream.
“But despite everything, I do agree with you on one thing.” 99 said, sitting next to Max on the little
cot he laid on.
“What’s that, darling?”
“It was very rude of them.”
“I thought you might say that.” Max replied, grinning at 99.
“Well, Mr. Smart, it seems we have an even bigger problem.” 99 said, staring at the four walls that surrounded them. “How do we get out of here?”
“Don’t worry, Mrs. Smart.” Max said, standing and looking around their surroundings. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Now let’s see. We’re surrounded by four solid walls. No windows.”
He walked over to the door and pushed on it. “Steel door, probably locked on the outside.” He took one last look before sitting next to 99 on the cot. “99,” he started.
“I don’t think we’re going to get out of here.” 99 did her usual rolling of the eyes.
“That’s not very comforting, Max.” she said, leaning back.
“It wasn’t really meant to be.”
The two sat and started to think. In a matter of minutes, Max started to laugh. “I’m glad you find the situation very amusing, Mr. Smart.” 99 replied, sarcastically.
“99, don’t you see?” Max said, still laughing. “We’re as good as saved.”
“All we gotta do is call CONTROL and the kids will have us out of here in no time.”
“Max, I doubt they’re going to give us a phone.” 99 said. Now it was Max’s turn to roll his eyes.
“Not that, 99,” he scolded. “I mean my shoephone.”
“Of course!” 99 exclaimed, realizing what he had in mind. “Good thinking, Max!”
“I know.” He replied, smiling. Max removed his shoe and started to remove the sole. “All I gotta do is give a little ring to Zachary and we’re saved.”
Max removed the sole and went to dial, but realized something was missing.
“Hey,” he said, staring at his phone. “Where’s my dialing pad?” The rotary dial on Max’s phone was gone, as was his earpiece to receive.
“Oh Max,” 99 said, her hope disappearing. “Junior thought of everything. He must’ve removed the dial and ear piece while we were unconscious.”
“99, we gotta get out of here.” Max said, a determined look on his face.
“Because we need to stop our impostors and save the world?” 99 reasoned.
“There’s much more at stake than just that, 99,” Max replied, looking at his shoephone. “This time…it’s personal.”
Back at CONTROL headquarters, Max was still going through the Chief’s desk when 99 walked in. She carried a folder in her hand and came over to the desk. She sat on the corner, crossing her legs and putting the folder on the desk.
“What’re you doing here?” Max asked, still going through the desk.
“I’m finished,” 99 said. “And I have something for you.”
“Do you?” Max replied, arching an eyebrow. His hand reached for her leg and she quickly swatted it away.
“Business before pleasure, my darling.” 99 scolded.
“Well,” Max said, sarcastically. “While you were…doing business…I’ve been sitting here, trying to find access to the CONTROL files.”
“I take it you’ve had no luck.” 99 said, seeing the frustration on her husband’s face.
“Good guess.” Max said, rather annoyed. “I bet you the idiot keeps all his files at home.”
“Well, then later tonight, we’ll just go through the house and found out if that’s true.” 99 suggested, running her fingers through the man’s hair.
“And just how do you suppose we’ll get in there, my dearest?” Max asked, sarcastically. Just then, Maxine walked through the door.
“Hey,” she said, walking over to the desk. “I was hoping to see you two. Have you heard? The Jones-Peters plans were just stolen. I already got some agents out there now, Dad.”
“Good job, kitten.” Max said. Maxine looked at her father in slight confusion. He never called her kitten before.
“Listen, Maxine, how would you like to come to dinner tonight?” 99 asked, smiling at the woman.
“Sure,” Maxine said, still surprised at what Max had said. “Is Zach invited too?”
“Of course.” 99 said. “Your brother’s always welcomed.”
“Okay,” Maxine replied, somewhat confused at her parents’ behavior. “Well, I’m gonna get back to the Pentagon and all. Seven o’clock, right?” Max and 99 nodded at the question and Maxine left, feeling a bit perplexed.
“Now why did you go and do something like that?” Max asked, as soon as Maxine left.
“Don’t you see, Vance darling?” 99 asked. “Not only do we get to search the house, but we might be able to rid ourselves of the Smart brats in the process.”
Max sat back in his chair, a wicked grin on his face. “This is why you’re the brains of this team.” He
“It’s a talent.” 99 replied, smiling seductively at him.
Max gave the woman the once over and complimented, “You have many talents, my dear.”
“And tonight, we’re going to put your talents to use.” 99 said. She watched as Max picked up one of the paperweights and crushed it in his hands.
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